e-text parody (5-3): The Blockbuster of Rohan (Part 1)
David M. McCandless
There IS One Particularly Naughty Word Within The First Few Pages of the
Story". (Youngsters, be warned.)
*********
COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU!
THE AMAZING, STUPENDOUS, TECHNICOLOR, POSITIVELY MEDIEVAL, CONFABULATORY,
BRIGHT SHINY BEADY MOVIE OF THE YEAR!
*** THE BLOCKBUSTER OF ROHAN ***
NOW SHOWING IN PURE CINEMAXX
(a little racier than simple CINEMAX
but not NEARLY as visually stimulating as CINEMAXXX!!!)
! STARRING !
CHARLTON HESTON as King HeyHoDen
KIRK CAMERON as Eonard
ELVIS COSTELLO as Morrie Brandybuck
and SIR LAWRENCE OLIVIER in a breakout black-face performance as Lady
Eowynifred --
the poor little irrelevant blonde girl who was blown off by a king for the
shocking love of an elven princess
-------------
* Take 1 *
ACTION! ADVENTURE! ROMANCE! ABCESSED TOOTH REMOVAL!
All in the frugal spirit of Cecil B. DeMille!
[Somber voice overdub while camera zooms over a vast wilderness landscape]
"Now all roads ran together like the art of Jackson Pollack, to meet the coming
of war and the onset of the Shadow and to create as confusing a mess as
possible -- much like the final cut of the movie "Elizabeth."
"And far away, even as Pipsqueak Took stood above the gate of the Magic Kingdom
of Minas Tirith (TM), sneaking peeks down the costumes of the well-endowed
female 'Solid Gold' revue dancers, the rabble of Rohan descended into the
valley where lay waiting for them the blessed tropical resort of Dunhero..."
[A wind sends ripples across the Nile, making the shrubs rattle upon the
plains. The camera zooms down triumphantly to a starkly bearded face...]
King HeyHoDen: LET MY PEOPLE GO.
[Shot of Braveheart extras beating swords on shield]
[Shot of Starship Troopers extras beating ray guns on shields]
[Shot of Irish rugby spectators beating in heads of English spectators]
[Shot of Soul Train dancers beating out the beat to "Brick House" by the
Commodores]
[Shot of screaming lawyers beating the snot out of each other with briefcases]
Producer: CUT! CUT! TOO EXPENSIVE -- THE LAWYERS WILL SUE! START OVER!
-----------
*Take 2*
[Text scrolls back into the background of a black field of stars]
Chapter XXXXX [or L, in Roman shorthand]
THE DUNEDAD STRIKES BACK
"And so the Lord Aragon's voracious appetite had left little provision for the
peasants of Rohan -- forcing them to pass what stuff they had amongst each
other, in order to fuel their ire against the Empire.
"First came the hraka soup, followed by a light hraka salad with a dressing of
hraka extract. Those soon were followed by hraka sorbet, roast hraka, steamed
hraka, braised hraka in hraka sauce, hraka in the basket with sautéed hraka,
and finally, for dessert, hraka meringue pie with orange-hraka icing and nice
juicy chunks of hraka.
"Once Morrie Brandybuck thought they had given him a cheeseburger with onion
rings and a Coke, but it turned to be a ground-hraka sandwich with french-fried
hraka on the side and a glass of ice-cold pureed carbonated diet hraka.
"And so did the Rebellion finally find itself in dire straits, with resistance
against the evil Empire of Morder quickly fading..."
Morrie (grimace): This stuff tastes like shit.
Darth HeyHoDen: Turn to the Dark Side, Luke. We've got Ben 'n Jerry's.
Producer: CUT! CUT! TOO FATTENING! START OVER!
-----------
*Take 3*
[The great ship slips beneath the waves like Gary Condit's chances for
reelection. While screaming Rohan peasants in topcoats and wingtips fling
themselves overboard, the band switches from "Boogie Wonderland" into a cover
of "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat." After multiple explosions, leaping
sharks, and a giant digital aquatic balrog make their appearances, we are left
with two young relatives desperately adrift on flotsam and jetsam in the
freezing seas.]
Eonard (slipping under for the last time): Don't let go, Eowynifred. Promise me
you'll never let go.
Eowynifred: I won't let go, jerk. I'll never let go.
[She lets go.]
Producer: CUT! CUT! TOO PREDICTABLE!
Writer: Come ON. We've got to film SOMETHING here.
Producer: Sorry, you just blew the whole budget in three scenes. Not only do we
have to switch to a soundstage in New Brunswick, NJ, but all the stars are
walking.
Writer: (Gasp) No! Not Elvis Costello!
Producer: The good news is that Richard Dreyfuss has been hanging around the
set and says he'll do Morrie for peanuts, but only if you don't glue fur to his
feet. He says his feet are his best asset and he doesn't want them covered.
Writer: But... but... that's Tolkien SACRILEGE! The fans will roast us!
Producer: Clean-shaven feet, Richard Dreyfuss. Furry feet, you're stuck with
the pizza delivery boy. Take your pick. [Leaves]
Writer: (groaning, looking at his picture of Orson Welles) Oh, Rosebud, this
movie is going straight to Mordor in a meadowmuffin...
****
[Title scribbled on the back of an old pizza box lid]
"The bLocKbuSTer of rOhaN"
------------------------
Scene 1: Oh, I Do Love Maps
[The hordes of Rohan ride through treacherous fens, over hills, clearing mighty
rivers, descending into valleys and dark canyons, and climbing steep
ice-blasted mountains, until King HeyHoDen finally breaks down and purchases a
map from a nearby gas station.]
Morrie: Ha, just like I thought -- go down South Main, hang right at Silmaril
Park, then blow through until you see Cirith Ungol in the distance, and there
we are! It's so simple that even a MORON could figure it out.
Eonard (wrestling with map while the army looks on, confused): Gosh darn it,
does ANYONE know to fold this thing back up?
HeyHoDen: (dead-pan, to camera) At least we know he's no moron.
--------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: A Long-Expected Party Line
[While HeyHoDen and Eonard ride towards Dunhero at the head of the army, Morrie
follows closely behind, talking incessantly, filling King HeyHoDen's ears with
tales of his rebellious hobbit youth -- his nightly soirees of cow-tipping, of
egging Farmer Maggot's house, of spray-painting "Fatty Bolger Lives" on the
sides of the mill as the sheriff hallooed and hallayed after them.]
Morrie: (chortling) ...And THEN there was the time I stole some of Gandalf's
fireworks, drained out the powder, and stuffed it all into the bowl of the Old
Gaffer's pipe! When he lit up, BOY did he light up! You should have seen the
look -- I mean, soot -- on his face! Golly, I'm so ingenious, sometimes I even
dazzle myself!
HeyHoDen: (grumbling) Methinks my ears are dazzled enough.
Morrie: (continuing) I can't believe this! We started out with Pipsqueak, and
Frodo, and Sam, and all the others -- I came to help them -- but now they must
be hundreds of miles away in the heart of Mordor, if they are even alive at
all! And here I am, safe as a scuttlebug in the middle of nowhere. Isn't that
nuts? Life is just one big hobbit's holiday! Isn't it? Isn't it just grand?
Eonard: (pointing back in the direction they just came) LOOK! Isn't that Cate
Blanchett in a peekabo nightie?!
Morrie: Where?! [looks around] Naw, I think that's just an old barrow wight in
a shroud. [Turns back.] Guys? Hey, guys! Where'd you all go? GUYS?!!
--------------------------------------
SCENE 3: Dunhero, Some Hero
[The army studies a large sign saying, "Welcome to 'DunHero Estates' at Glen
Acres, a gated community. At DunHero, we don't get old -- we just get bent."]
Eonard: Dunhero at last! And me so hungry I could eat a horse!
[With a whinny, Eonard's horse tramples him into the mud, then gallops away,
followed by hordes of hungry screaming peasants.]
Eonard: (groaning) ...figure of speech...
HeyHoDen: Pathetic oaf, get up before I feed you to the pigs! [With the word
"pigs," he notices the rest of the army silently staring at him.] Err, sorry,
figure of speech...
[He is interrupted by a prim voice belonging to a tall woman in blue. This is
LADY JANE DUNFORE, owner of the facility.]
Dunfore: Excuse me, you're blocking our toll barrier, and the beeper's going
crazy. Can I help you?
HeyHoDen: Peradventure thou mayest. I am HeyHoDen, king of the mark, rider of
broken saddle ponies, and defiler of flower beds. These are my loyal pigs, err,
subjects, and we --
Dunfore: Oh, of course, your majesty, I've been expecting you ever since your
paperwork arrived. Why don't you tell your royal pigs to make themselves at
home on the grounds while I show you, your family, and your sawed-off assistant
around?
Morrie: (bristling) HEY, lady, I'm not a sawed-off anything, I'm Richard
Dreyfuss, the actor, and I'm just cheesed-off, if anything, and I expect to be
shown some RESPECT --
Dunfore: My apologies, Richard. King HeyHoDen, if you'd care to have our most
skilled staff give Little Lord Richard the care he needs --
Morrie: Yeah, good, lady, it's about TIME...!
Dunfore: -- we'll make the day care facilities our first stop. This way!
Morrie: Hey! Day care? DAY CARE? What's this about day care?
HeyHoDen: (clapping his hands to get the attention of his loyal subjects) All
right, pigs! Feel free to wander, use the bathroom, snap some pics, and
purchase cheap souvenirs and t-shirts with beer logos on them, but don't forget
-- the herd leaves tonight at eight o'clock sharp, with or without you!
[With a shout, the starving army scatters across the grounds of Dunhero like a
giant herd of rampaging snorting swine, overturning recycling bins, flipping
golf carts, and devouring gardenias in their desperate search for food.]
HeyHoDen: They seem a little wound up.
Eonard: Maybe if you'd stop feeding them the same old hraka...
----------------------------
Scene 4: The Pukémon
Dunfore: The retirement village of Dunhero has EVERY form of recreation
imaginable, and all perfectly safe...
[HeyHoDen and Eonard look with interest over the grounds as elderly elven
retirees knock each other out playing horseshoes and bocci, while others are
parasailing with walkers in hand. Nearby, a shuffleboard player slowly clutches
at his chest and collapses. While his companion, a giant spider, wraps him up
and dangles him from a tree, a commotion arises over on the skeet-shooting
range.]
Dunfore: ...err, although we also possess an on-site 24/7 health care facility
with its own cardiac unit, just to be safe.
HeyHoDen: A king can never be too safe, I suppose, heh, heh. [He pokes Eonard
in the side with an elbow.] Last time Isildur went in for a dip, he came out a
human pincushion, right, Eonard?
Eonard: Err, right. Don't touch me.
[Now the path winds between great standing bushes cut in the likenesses of
chubby animals with large eyes, clumsily shaped.]
Eonard: Err, nice shrubberies.
Dunfore: The Pukémon they are called, and heeded little lest the heeder fall
into nausea; for no true power or cash value is left within them, despite their
once being prized by young children. Our hunchbacked groundskeeper insists on
cutting them, though, and because it keeps him from eating live gophers out on
the ninth green, we tolerate it.
[Cut scene to a horrified gopher puppet, watching groundskeeper Otto bite the
head off a plastique hobbit. Before he spits the plastique down the hole,
however, he reconsiders -- then swallows the stuff and takes another bite.]
------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL: Frumpy Old Men
[Hand-held cam shot of two old men in blue robes, as they play chess.]
Pallandro: (chortling) Check!
[Alatar mutters a word of power, and a nearby tree explodes from a lightning
strike.]
Pallandro: (under his breath) Poor sport.
Lady Dunfore: (overdub) It isn't uncommon for heroes to fake their own deaths,
just to get some time off. But while some facilities cater only to the rich and
famous, here at Dunhero, we don't take anyone but the very best -- even if
they're Maiar in disguise!
[Both men turn and smile cheesily into the camera.]
Alatar: (speaking to camera) Hi! I'm Alatar!
Pallandro: And I'm Pallandro. While we made the cut, our friend Olorin -- or
Gandalf -- bombed out big-time.
Alatar: He was plain bad.
Eonard: (off-camera) What? Gandalf's evil?
Alatar: (whacking Eonard off-camera with his staff) No, young fool, just bad. A
terrible wizard. No stage presence, couldn't do a trick to save his life.
Pallandro: (nodding) Always dropping his marked deck, or sneezing from rabbit
spoor left in his hat, or forgetting the magic words of power.
Eonard: (off-camera) What words? Alakazam? Hocus pocus? Elbereth Githoniel?
Pallandro: No, "Cash in Advance," dolt. (He whacks Eonard on the head
off-camera, then sighs.) But he only has himself to blame. After flubbing the
old "Saw the Elf Maiden in Half" trick down in a Lothlorien nightclub, he lost
most of his bookings. Poor Lustianne just fell to pieces...
[There are loud gasps from off-camera.]
Eonard: But we thought she died of grief over Bluto's death, from the
slipcasts!
Alatar: (whacking Eonard on the head again off-camera) Oh, Olorin's changed his
story AGAIN, has he?
Pallandro: For centuries, it was, "She just stepped out for a smoke, officer,
and then I just found her like this in the parking lot." What audacity.
Alatar: The old goat. He tried to steal my peanuts on the flight over from the
Blessed Realms too, you know, while I was in the lavatory. And when we played
poker, he would always bid things like, "Ruling the world," or "Making cookies
out of Girl Scouts." Don't trust Olorin any farther than you can throw him,
unless you're throwing him into the Cracks of Doom.
Pallandro: I never understood what Sauron saw in him anyway.
Alatar: That degree from Cambridge, no doubt. It impresses everyone.
Eonard: (off-camera) SAURON??! The BURNING EYE of MORDOR?
Pallandro: (whacking Eonard on the head with his staff) What is this movie
becoming, a commercial for organic food?
Alatar (to Pallandro): Well, it's quite good -- the Burning Eye eggs are what
got me hooked, remember?
Pallandro: I was always partial to his fresh produce. But at least he's done a
lot for agriculture in Mordor.
Eonard: (off-camera) What? Mordor's all desert! Wasteland! Parking lots!
Alatar: (whacking Eonard on the head off-camera) Only from years of Gondor's
mine-stripping the countryside. Rainforests take some time to spring back.
Eonard: (off-camera) Sauron is trying to conquer Middle-Earth and enslave its
people!! Uncle, tell them!
HeyHoDen's (off-camera): Hey, I never met the guy.
Alatar: Sauron was the nicest young lad.
Pallandro: Worked in his garden all day, bare-footed, piling weeds for compost.
When Galadriel Seeds, Inc., took off a few years back, he wrestled with using
pesticides or artificial fertilizer but never gave in, as he was concerned
about the effects on the water table and food chain.
Eonard: (stepping on camera, with two black eyes) Look, can you just turn that
thing OFF? (He faces the old wizards.) We're talking about Sauron here.
SAUR-on! Destroyer of Middle-Earth. Kicker of Puppies. Writer of Parodies.
Thawer of Ice Cream. Eater of Babies.
Alatar (to Pallandro): I hear he's a vegetarian now.
Pallandro: I believe it. If there's one thing you can say about Sauron, it's
that he can't stand to see anyone suffer.
[There's a stunned pause as Eonard's pupils dilate and drool drips down his
chin. Then both men begin cackling insanely.]
Pallandro: (unable to breathe from laughter) Hee hee! Just kidding!
Alatar: What a look on the kid's face! It gets them every time!
Pallandro: "Vegetarian!" Oh PLEASE...!
Alatar: I thought the mine-stripping was a beautiful touch, myself...
Dunfore: (overdub) When your old men start acting funny, don't send them down
the Anduin in a flaming boat without oars -- send them to Dunhero! Dunhero
Estates: Brought to you by new Burning Eye hydroponic broccoli spears!
[end of part 1 / see part 2]
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