Remove brain before stabbing.
It's fairly pain free.
Don't go too deep.
Not quite, but maybe this procedural will give you some ideas. My good ol'
pal Ernie sent it to me, and I was looking for an opportunity to post it.
"MY PATENTED HOME TESTICLE REMOVAL PROCEDURE"
Latest Medical Home-Operation Update
I got to thinking while I was cutting the grass last summer
and the handle of the lawnmower struck me in the family
jewels, (testicalious humongus) causing me great
discomfort, "Why... Oh Gawd Why are mans balls out here in
the open and exposed to such painful assault from
unforeseen elements" ?
If you think about it, it just doesn't make any sense
having them swingin around getting bit by dogs, kicked by
kids leaping in your lap, crushed by a Harley seat,
sweating in summer, freezing in winter, especially since I
sure as hell don't intend to have any more kids (Hell, I
don't even like the ones I've got!) so the thought
occurred to me...
"Why not just remove them?"
My ingenious mind went to work on the problems and
logistics of removing them safely and with the least amount
of discomfort and bleeding. Just then the Ice cream truck
was driving by the house playing those repeated lines of
"It's a Small Small World" for the um-teenth time. Thats
when it hit me.
Dry ice will freeze and numb those two egg-shaped jewels so
fast that if I work fast enough there would be little or no
real discomfort during their removal ! So I rushed out to
the ice cream truck and quickly talked the 400 pound ice
cream schlurping driver into selling me a 6" by 6" inch
square of the "local anesthetic" for only $2.00. When she
asked what I wanted it for I lied and told her it was for
my son's science project (which she fell for immediately -
hardly pausing for a second from licking the dripped ice
cream drumstick and pecan glob from her giant knuckles)
I ran into the house and immediately started assembling my
new home self-operation kit with the following items on the
workbench in my basement.
1) A bottle of Jose Cuervo Gold (additional anesthetic)
and my George Jones shotglass
2) The 6" X 6" block of Dry Ice on a pretty clean oil
3) My Exacto knife (with a new blade of-course)
4) A nearly empty jar of pickles from the refrigerator to
hold the removed testicles (I ate the remaining pickle
leaving the pickle juice in the jar)
5) A small hand mirror from my wife's dresser (for
improved angle viewing)
6) Gauze bandages (3 feet)
7) A sewing kit with a needle designed for leather sewing
8) a spool of heavy black nylon thread
9) And a Bible (just in case)
Once I had everything laid out on the workbench I dropped
my drawers and began applying the dry ice to my scrotum.
It was uncomfortable at first but I adjusted after a couple
minutes and a couple shots of tequila.
I angled the mirror for the proper view of the scrotum
which was already numb and turning blue from the dry ice
and my courage level was increasing with each shot. Since
I was completely numb I decided to make use of the vice
which was mounted along the edge of the work bench. I
closed the vice slowly and carefully to prevent any
unnecessary damage to the twin egglets.
There was a slight crackling sound as thread by thread the
vice closed securing the twins stationary for the next part
of the procedure.
I picked up the oil rag and placed it under my scrotum to
absorb any blood that might result from the cut. I took
the exacto knife in hand, adjusted the mirror one last time
and after a deep breath made the first incision on
the underside of the now purple but quite numb scrotus
There was an audible popping sound as the first signs of
blood squirted out over the table. It reminded me of the
sound my knee makes when I bend it just right but I was not
too alarmed. I laid the exacto knife down and took 2
consecutive shots of tequila as a last measure of
confidence and resumed cutting immediately on the scrotum.
I hit something that felt similar to gristle but after a
determined effort the gristle gave way to the very sharp
edge of the new exacto blade and within one minute I was
standing, separated from the vice and my previously adored
two buddies and I felt a strange sensation of satisfaction
for a job well done.
As I looked down at my penis and the surrounding area I
thought "Damn...my dick sure looks weird without my balls
hanging below them" It was at this point I first had
questions about the cosmetic appearance of what I had done.
I picked up the mirror and looked myself in the eyes and
felt a sense of betrayal to myself. That's when I saw the
solution ! In the mirror I noticed how similar my ear
lobes looked to my now detached scrotum. Yes, As I got
older my ear lobes had increased in size and indeed,
they even had a small amount of hair on them ! I decided
that I would :
1) Numb the earlobes
2) remove the earlobes
3) Install (sew) the earlobes to the remaining skin below
I completed the operation in under 30 minutes and was
somewhat pleased with the result. My newly fashioned ball
sacks were somewhat smaller but other than the pain of the
stitches I knew that I would never again feel the pain
of bumping or squashing my balls again. (However, when I
first wake up in the morning and scratch my "balls" my
As I removed my twins from the vice I carefully removed
each testicle from the severed scrotum and gingerly placed
them in the jar of pickle juice and I proudly displayed
them on the mantle over the fireplace until my senile
Aunt Broomhilda ate them thinking they were pickled eggs on
her last visit at Christmas last year.
I wrapped both my ears (what was left of them) with gauze
bandage and electrical tape. My ears have since healed but
they do itch in the mornings and during sex they wiggle.
As for the scrotum, I made a small changepurse out of it
and won 1st prize with it at a local arts and crafts fair
Although I've never won any major medical awards for my
efforts, I do have the satisfaction of knowing my Speedo's
fit better, riding my Harley without fear of pain and It's
a hell of a lot more exciting when my wife blows in my
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of every
four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman
LadyJ is available at www.ladyj.net and fine stores everywhere.
I'm a rocker
I rock OUT!
"LadyJ" <la...@ladyj.net.fuck.spam> wrote in message
"Nick Stevens" <nicksp...@darkwings.co.uk> wrote in message
>haha well maybe if i lived in bizzaro world but heh i like my balls and want
>to decorate them
>i just pushed an 18g stud threw, virtually no pain and alot of
It takes an 18ga stud to know one.
"Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito-Lay."
- George Carlin
> I'm a rocker
> I rock OUT!
why must i love you, irrational fleshling?
judith grunberger * jcoo...@onastick.net * http://grunberger.net/
and now that I've begun I'm finding things everywhere
Is it due to my coolness or that i rock out with the best of them?
I'm a Rocker
I Rock Out
> On 5 Jun 2001, Mr. Coolness wrote:
> > I'm a rocker
> > I rock OUT!
> why must i love you, irrational fleshling?
"That part where you got tense and screamed - I didn't hurt you did I?"