Ranma 1/2: Ranma Jijou, Part 7 [FanFic]

[Dov Sherman]

Ranma Jijou, Part Sept
(Ranma Squared, Part Seven)

A Silly Ranma 1/2 Fan-fiction by Dov Sherman

Ranma 1/2 and its characters are all copyright and trademark to Rumiko
Takahashi to whom this fan-fiction is dedicated.

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Chapter 12: Rendezvous with Ranma

"GET OFF MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"

Happousai eagerly squeezed his body between Ranma's breasts. "Oh, my
darling Ranma-chan! Just allow an old man this small pleasure."

"Let go of me, you old creep!" Ranma pounded Happousai on the head
but the old man clung on tenaciously.

"No, no, Ranma-chan! How could I ever leave such a beautiful girl as
you! And how could I ever leave such beautiful breasts as these?"

Ranma shivered in disgust. "Ugh! You dirty, little freak! Alright, if
that's the way you want it!" Ranma placed a hand on the outside of each
breast and pressed as tightly as he could, smothering Happousai.

"Mmmpphh!! MMMMPHHH!!!" Happousai was caught in Ranma's bosom, unable
to breathe. If he let go, he'd be able to catch his breath but what
bliss it was to be smushed in such a sweet embrace! This was such a
rare opportunity, such an uncommon blessing! Such a... a... <gasp>...
wonderf....

Ranma felt the old lecher's body go limp and released him. Picking up
Happousai by the collar, Ranma tossed him up into the air and kicked him
into low orbit.

"Stupid old man." Ranma turned back to the second Ranma or, rather, to
where he had been. "Hey! Where'd he go?!" The other Ranma was nowhere
in sight. Now Ranma was in trouble. He just knew that that impostor
was trying to set him up for something and he figured he'd better find
out just what it was and quick or else he'd get blamed for it. But
where could he have gone?

Ranma scanned up and down the street. No sign of him. He looked back
at the telephone pole the other Ranma had been leaning against. Nothing
there but a simple trash can. A trash can? Ranma looked across the
street to the garbage pick-up spot. Ranma suspected that any trash cans
in this area would be over there. He oughta know, too. He'd landed in
them a few times. So his only clue was a trash can out of place. Well,
that seemed pretty obvious.

Ranma picked up the trash can and upended it, dumping Tsubasa, still in
his "Ranma" disguise, on the street. As Tsubasa started to scramble
away, Ranma pinned him to the ground with his foot.

"It wasn't me! I didn't doing anything! Aiiggh!!! Don't hit me!"
Tsubasa wailed in his best little-girl voice.

Ranma growled in his own girl's voice, "Tsubasa... you little creep.
Just how stupid do you think I am? Why are you dressed up as me? You'd
better start explaining right now!" He picked up Tsubasa and shook him
roughly to emphasize his point.

Tsubasa twiddled his thumbs nervously. "Well, ah-no, er, uh, I wasn't
going to do anything bad. I was, uh, just going to go see Ukyou-sama
and, uh..."

"Ranma!" Akane called from inside the Nekohanten. "Just where do you
think you're going?!" Akane stormed out of the restaurant, ignoring the
unconscious duck in the doorway. "You'd better start explaining right
now!" Akane struck an angry pose on the sidewalk, fists clenched
tightly at her sides and glared at Ranma and... Ranma? Two Ranmas? One
male, one female. As if one stupid Ranma wasn't bad enough. Just what
the heck was going on here? "Ranma! Just what the heck is going on
here?!"

"Calm down, Akane." Ranma tossed Tsubasa through the air to Akane who
caught him roughly. "That one's a fake."

Akane glared at the second Ranma. No wonder Ranma had been acting
strangely all night. Even Ranma couldn't be as rude as he'd been at the
Nekohanten that evening. Actually, he hadn't really been rude, exactly.
It was just that he'd been overly polite to that Chinese bimbo Shampoo.
Not that it was really that big a deal. After all, why should Akane
care who Ranma was polite to. It wasn't as if Akane was jealous. It's
not like she particularly liked Ranma or anything. The engagement was
their parents' idea, not hers. She wasn't jealous. Uh-uh. No way.

Tsubasa waved his arms frantically. "No! I'm not an impersonator! I'm
the real Ranma! That one's a fake! Aiiiggghhh!!! Don't hit me!!!"

"Tsubasa." Akane recognized his voice.

Ranma picked up Mousse under his wings and turned to Akane. "Bring him
inside. I think he's got some explaining to do."

Akane picked up Tsubasa by his Ranma-esque pigtail and dragged him into
the Nekohanten.

The Tendos and Genma stared at Ranma. Their heads swivelled together to
look at Tsubasa. Then they all looked back at Ranma. Nabiki cleared
her throat. "Is anyone else here getting a sense of deja vu?" Turning
to Kasumi, she added, "And don't say `Oh my!'"

"Goodness!" Kasumi said.

Ranma and Akane stood on either side of Tsubasa. Ranma poked him with
one dainty, but angry, finger. "Okay, you little okama! Start
explaining!"

Cologne stepped out of the kitchen, leaving her staff behind. It was
clear to her that if Ranma were in female form, it was likely to be
raining outside again. If it were raining, Ryouga would have become
female as well. So this wasn't Ryouga. Ranma had called this second
Ranma an "okama" and she only knew one transvestite that could disguise
himself as Ranma so well. Tsubasa's arrival was fortunate, indeed.
Ryouga's secret and her plans were still safe.

"Tsubasa," Cologne said. "It looks like our plan has failed. We may as
well give up."

Tsubasa spluttered, "OUR plan? This isn't anything to do with me! It
was you and Ryouga planning something!" Tsubasa wasn't about to take
the heat for Ryouga!

"Ryouga?!" Akane hoisted Tsubasa up by his shirt collar. "Where? Where
do you see Ryouga? I don't see any Ryouga, just you! And how dare you
insult such a nice boy like Ryouga-kun! He's far too honorable to do
something like that! Why don't you just admit what you were doing?!"

"But I didn't do anything! It was Ryouga! I swear!"

Ranma shook his head. Where did Akane get this idea about Ryouga being
such a great guy? She was always defending him like that. If she knew
the truth about her little P-chan, she'd see what a jerk Ryouga really
was. Not that Ranma cared how Akane felt about Ryouga. It didn't
really matter to him. It's not like Akane was anything special to
Ranma. He'd never be interested in a baka, uncute tomboy like her
anyway. Not Akane. Never. Not a chance.

Akane shook Tsubasa by the neck. "Stop trying to blame Ryouga or I'm
gonna..."

"Ah, let him go, Akane. You can't just go beatin' up some little wimp
like him. Besides, his stupid plan didn't work anyway so let's just
drop it, okay?"

"But it wasn't me!" Tsubasa protested. "I didn't do anything! It was
Ryouga!"

Jeez! Ranma tried to give the little creep a break and he still
wouldn't come clean. "Cut that out! You can't really expect me to
believe a stupid story like that! You're here. You're dressed like me.
Ryouga's not here. Heck, Ryouga's probably not even in Japan for all I
know!"

* * *

A few blocks away, Ryouga ran down the street closely pursued by Kunou,
Kodachi, Ukyou, and Happousai.

"My darling Pig-Tailed Girl! Do not fear our perfect love!"

"You wretched girl! The Black Rose will make you suffer for hiding her
Ranma-sama!"

"Sweet Ranma-chan! Squeeze me in your perky breasts again!"

"Ran-chan! You get back here! You still owe me an explanation!"

Damn that Ranma! Ryouga wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for that
cursed Ranma Saotome. The plan may have fallen apart at the seams but
he'd make sure Ranma would pay for getting him into this trouble. Ryouga
gnashed his teeth and swore vengeance against his foe, his most hated
rival. He would punish that Ranma Saotome.

* * *

Back at the Nekohanten, Ranma, in his male form, stepped out onto the
sidewalk with his father and the Tendos, glad that the rain had finally
stopped. He handed an empty tea kettle to Shampoo. The rain in this
district was just too damn unpredictable.

Cologne and Shampoo waved to them as they left. "I apologize for the
inconvenience," Cologne called out. "Please allow an old woman her
fancies." Once they were out of earshot, Cologne turned to Shampoo.
"Find Ryouga quickly. Our plan isn't spoiled if we can prevent him from
meeting Ranma but we must act fast or that fool will ruin everything."

Shampoo nodded to her great grandmother. With a last, longing glance at
the retreating Ranma, she leapt up to the rooftops to begin her search.

Ranma jammed his hands in his pockets and fumed. This was just another
crazy night. Why couldn't he have a normal life? Akane would probably
find some way to blame all of this on him, too. That was just the kind
of thing she'd do. It was obviously Tsubasa's fault. They'd
confiscated Tsubasa's "Ranma" disguise and made him promise not to do it
again but Akane would still try to blame it all on Ranma. It was always
Ranma's fault. It would have helped if Tsubasa had just admitted to it
instead of trying to blame Ryouga. Wherever he was.

* * *

Ryouga skidded around a corner and dove into a nearby alley. Hiding
behind a dumpster, he watched his pursuers rush past the alley and away.
Ryouga wiped the sweat from his forehead. He was safe for now. But the
plan hadn't worked. He should never have listened to Cologne. Now he
was going to do things his way. It was time to seek his final vengeance
on Ranma. But first he'd better find some hot water and change back
into a man.

Ryouga peeked out of the alley and looked down the street. No sign of
the Kunous, Ukyou, or Happousai. Warily, he crossed the street and
entered a diner. It was likely he could find some hot water there.
Ryouga looked around for a waitress.

"Ah, my pig-tailed beauty. Once again, you enter my life. How you must
love me dearly."

Ryouga froze. That voice sounded familiar. No. It couldn't be. Slowly
he turned.

"My innocent flower," Mikado crooned as he took Ryouga's hand. "Please,
allow me to buy you dinner as a small token of my love. I'm sure you'll
find some way to repay me." Mikado threw his arms around Ryouga's
waist.

"Forget it, you freak!" Ryouga grabbed a potted fern and planted it hard
on Mikado's head. Hot water could wait. That Mikado really gave Ryouga
the creeps. He was almost as bad as Kunou. Ryouga ran quickly out the
door.

Mikado shook his head, dropping bits of pottery to the floor but leaving
the fern in a pile of soil still on his head. "How preciously
child-like. So coy. "Wait, my princess!" Mikado got to his feet and
ran for the door.

"OH! That fern is so cute! Laverne! Laverne!" Azusa ran out the door
after the fern atop her partner's head. It was just soooo cute! "Give
me back Laverne!"

Ryouga tore down the street. Risking a glance back over his shoulder he
saw Mikado and Azusa in hot pursuit on in-line skates. Damn that Ranma!
Why did that jerk have to get him into these messes?!

"Wait, my lovely! There's no need to be shy!"

"Laverne! Laverne!"

Ryouga quickened his pace. There was no way he was letting Mikado
Sanzenin anywhere near him. At least he'd managed to lose the others,
though.

* * *

Ukyou, Kunou, Kodachi, and Happousai stood in the middle of an
intersection and looked about in confusion.

Kodachi swore, "That impudent girl! She's not going to get away that
easily!"

"When I woke up in the park, I was so happy to find her again so quickly
after having been so tragically separated from such an innocent
embrace." Happousai sighed and sucked on his pipe. "Did anyone see
which way she went?"

Ukyou shook her head in dismay. She just had to catch up with Ran-chan.
She knew there had to be a good reason for his behavior that afternoon
but she wanted to hear it from his own mouth.

Happousai blew a smoke ring. "Well, if we don't know where she went,
perhaps we'd better ask somebody."

"The Great Tatewaki Kunou reduced to asking for directions like some
tourist peasant?! Methinks we have not arrived yet at such dire
straits." He pointed his bokken down a street. "Look hence! There!
There we shall find our answers!"

Kodachi, Ukyou, and Happousai turned to see Ranma walking up the street
with his father and the Tendos.

"Ranma... um, about tonight..." Akane started.

Oh, no. Here it comes. Ranma just knew she was going to try to blame
it all on him now.

"About tonight... I mean, I want you to know... I mean, uh... I
don't..."

"Ranma Saotome, you cretinous swine! Wherefore hast thou hidden my
goddess?!"

"Ranma-sama! My darling!"

"Ran-chan! I want that explanation!"

"My sweet Ranma-chan! Don't worry! I have a thermos of water and some
pretty lingerie for you!"

Ranma looked up at the rapidly approaching quartet. "Oh, man! I am
outta here!" He spun about and sped off the way he'd come.

Akane stamped her foot petulantly. That was just typical. Every time
she'd try to be nice, Ranma would take off. Well, she wasn't going to
let him get away with it this time. "Ranma! You come back here!" Akane
joined Kunou, Kodachi, Happousai, and Ukyou.

Kunou fell back a step and paced himself alongside Akane. "How
prodigious that you should join us, Akane-kun. Surely we shall bring
that lecherous Ranma Saotome to justice and then you shall be free to
embrace our love." Still keeping pace, Kunou pulled out a 5000 yen bill
and threw it to a convenient flower cart as they passed, snatching a
bouquet of roses which he held out to Akane. "Please, accept this
modest bouquet on behalf of my most sincere affections."

"Butt out!" Akane punched Kunou under the chin, sending him sailing
above the rooftops.

Kunou assumed a meditative lotus position in mid-flight. "How shy my
lily is. Why must we hide our truest feelings, sweet Akane-kun?" Kunou
sighed inwardly. The coy Akane Tendo. He loved her more deeply than
any river and surely she returned his love. But his strength and
manliness brought out her timidity. It was the same with the pig-tailed
girl, running from him when Kunou knew that, deep in her heart, she
longed to rush into his muscular arms. As Kunou began his descent, he
noticed a familiar figure running down the street. The pig-tailed girl!
So full of energy! How fortuitous that fate would bring them together.

"Wait, my dear!" Mikado called out, skating after Ryouga. "Don't hide
your feelings! Come to my arms!"

"Stay away from me!" Ryouga called back.

"Laverne! Laverne!" Azusa called to the fern clinging to Mikado's head.

Ryouga glanced back quickly. Mikado and Azusa were gaining on him.
Unless something happened soon, they would catch him.

"Pig-Tailed Girl!" Kunou crashed to the street directly ahead of Ryouga.

"Yaaarrrghh!!!" Ryouga skidded to a halt. Kunou in front of him, Mikado
behind him. How could this night possibly get any worse? Ryouga turned
down a side street and ran like mad. Damn that Ranma! This was Ranma's
fault for getting involved with those two creeps in the first place.
Ryouga would never have let that happen to himself. But Ranma was a
coward and never faced Mikado or Kunou down enough to put a stop to
their chase. Ryouga would have done that. He wouldn't just run away
from them. Ryouga was no coward.

"Pig-Tailed Girl!!!" called Kunou and Mikado in unison and they chased
Ryouga down the street.

Ryouga shivered and kept running. It wasn't that he was a coward or
anything. He could handle Kunou and Mikado easily. He just wanted time
to think.

* * *

Shampoo stopped on the rooftop and thought. Ryouga was somewhere around
here. Shampoo just had to find him. But how? Tokyo was a big place
and nobody could get lost as well as Ryouga. Maybe he couldn't find the
bathroom by himself but tonight, he'd definitely given Shampoo the slip.

Shampoo sat down hard and pouted in frustration. Shampoo needed a way
to find Ryouga. What would her great grandmother do? Probably
something clever involving ancient Chinese secret techniques that
Shampoo didn't know yet. It wasn't for a lack of trying though.
Shampoo trained harder than anyone in her village but Shampoo just
didn't have the knack for it. Mousse was better at special techniques
than Shampoo was and that irked Shampoo. How could someone like Mousse
learn so many techniques when all Shampoo could do is master the basics?
But, of course, Shampoo _had_ mastered the basics. Even for all
Mousse's techniques, Shampoo could still defeat him easily using only
standard hand-to-hand combat and only the simplest of hand weapons. But
now Shampoo wished that Shampoo had learned more special techniques.
Maybe one of them would help her find Ryouga. After all, it wasn't like
Ryouga would just fall into Shampoo's lap. Shampoo began to sigh as a
familiar figure slammed into her.

"Shampoo?! Oh, jeez, sorry 'bout that. Uh, excuse me!" He leapt to
his feet and tore off across the rooftops.

Shampoo blinked. Red Chinese shirt. Pig-tail. Looked just like
boy-type Ranma. But the real Ranma would have gotten home by now,
wouldn't he? That must have been Ryouga! Shampoo turned to call him
when she was knocked to the roof by a foot using her noggin as a
springboard.

"My darling Ranma-sama!" Kodachi bounced from Shampoo's head and away.

So that explained why Ryouga had disappeared! Kodachi must be chasing
him all over town, thinking he's Ranma. Shampoo'd better get rid of
Kodachi quick. She struggled to her feet only to be slammed down again
by the feet of Ukyou and Akane.

"Ran-chan! Where's my explanation?!"

"Ranma no baka! You get back here! I'm not through talking to you!"

Shampoo lay still on the roof and watched the three girls leaping away
from her across the rooftops. This was getting ridiculous. Shampoo was
NOT going to be made a fool. It was long past the time Shampoo showed
those three just what an Amazon was capable of! Shampoo pushed herself
to her feet and struck a battle pose. Shampoo would show them. She'd
show them exactly what it meant to anger Shampoo!

"Shampoo-chan!" Happousai glomped onto Shampoo and nestled himself in
Shampoo's cleavage. "How nice to see you again, my dear!"

"Aiiiiyaaa!!!" Shampoo belted Happousai into the night air. That little
Happousai! Shampoo looked to be sure Happousai would land far away then
turned and took off after her quarry.

Happousai gazed down upon the Nerima District. From his current
position, he had an excellent view. He could make out the bath houses,
a few lingerie stores, and many beautiful women enjoying the night life.
And Ranma-chan! There she was! What a beautiful little girl Genma's
son was! When had Ranma changed back into his cute little girl form?
But, then again, why question such good fortune? Happousai watched as
she ran down the street, followed by Kunou, Mikado, and Azusa. He
clapped his hands gleefully as he realized he was about to land in the
very direction in which they were headed. "Ranma-chan! Sweetie!" he
cried as he landed lightly alongside the pursuers. "I'm coming for
you!"

Ryouga looked back over his shoulder to see Kunou, Mikado and Azusa
joined by Happousai. Things couldn't possibly get any worse than this!

"Ranma! You fiend!" Mousse shouted as he leapt down into the road ahead
of Ryouga. "Your tricks won't fool me this time!" Mousse threw a hail
of poison-tipped arrows directly at Azusa. "Evade that, Ranma Saotome!"

Ryouga ran past Mousse and down the street. Risking a look back, he saw
Mousse still facing Azusa.

Azusa's eyes glittered brightly as she saw the deadly arrows streaking
through the air toward her. "Annabelle! Amandine! Adeline!" she
cried, gleefully plucking the arrows from the air. "Julian! Geraldine!
Roland!"

Mousse looked confused by Azusa's behavior. He put his glasses on.
"Where'd he go? Where'd he go?" Mousse spun around and spotted Ryouga.
"Ranma!" he hollered. "You won't get away that easily!"

Kunou, Happousai, and Mikado rolled right over him.

Ryouga kept running.

* * *

Ranma kept running. Akane, Ukyou, and Kodachi had been joined by
Shampoo now. At least Happousai was gone. But Ranma still didn't want
to deal with this. He leapt from the rooftop and ran down a street.

* * *

Ryouga glanced back. Kunou, Mikado, and Happousai had been joined by
Mousse. At least Azusa was gone. But Ryouga still didn't want to deal
with this. He turned in an intersection and ran down another street.

"Ranma, you fiend! Prepare to face my deadly Buffalo Wing Attack!"
Mousse warned.

"Ranma no baka! I'm not done talking to you, yet!" Akane bellowed.

"Ranma-chan! Sweetcakes!" Happousai drooled.

"Ranma-sama! My darling! My love!" Kodachi cackled.

"My Pig-Tailed Goddess! I would date with you!" Kunou announced.

"Ranma-chan! I want my explanation!" Ukyou demanded.

"Pig-Tailed Girl! Come to your emperor of love!" Mikado crooned.

"Ryouga! No more run!" Shampoo called.

"Ranma! Oh shit!" Ryouga squealed.

"Who the heck are you?" Ranma said.

Ranma and Ryouga faced each other in the street. Ryouga looked back at
Kunou, Mikado, Happousai, and Mousse. Then he looked past Ranma at
Akane, Ukyou, Shampoo, and Kodachi. Finally, he looked at Ranma's
confused face. This was Ranma's fault. All of this confusion. All of
this chaos. All Ranma's fault. Ranma was a fiend, a coward, a liar,
and a pervert! He grabbed Ranma by the shirt collar. "Ranma! You've
gotta help me!!!" After all, who'd know better how to deal with this
mess than a fiendish, cowardly, lying pervert?

The crowd screeched to a halt around the two of them and stared in
confusion at the two Ranmas, except for Kunou, Kodachi, and Mikado who
didn't know any better and Shampoo who did.

"Pig-Tailed Girl!" cried Kunou as he threw his arms around Ryouga.

"Hey!" Mikado shouted. "What do you think you're doing to my
girlfriend?!"

"Ranma-sama!" Kodachi latched onto Ranma. "I knew that wretched girl
could never keep us apart!"

Akane, Ukyou, and Happousai stared at the scene. Two Ranmas wasn't
right. "Didn't we go through this already?" Akane asked.

"More tricks, Ranma?" Mousse sneered. "You won't fool me the same way
twice!"

Ranma pried Kodachi off and turned to the imposter. "Tsubasa..." Ranma
growled, yanking Ryouga out of Kunou's arms and shaking him angrily.

"Yes?" a nearby mailbox replied. Tsubasa's head popped out of the slot
on the mailbox and fixed on Ukyou. "Ukyou-sama!"

Ranma looked from Tsubasa to Ryouga. "Just what the heck is going on
here?!"

"Unhand my pig-tailed girl goddess at once, Ranma Saotome!" Kunou
shouted, grabbing Ryouga back and squeezing him to his chest.

"I said: What are you doing with my girlfriend?!" Mikado demanded as the
took Ryouga's arm and tried to pull him away from Kunou.

"You impudent peasant! It is I, not you, whom the pig-tailed girl
loves!" Kunou declared, pulling Ryouga away from Mikado.

"Peasant?! I am Mikado `Emperor' Sanzenin and it is I to whom my
pig-tailed princess bestowed her kiss of love!" Mikado declared back,
pulling Ryouga.

Ryouga found himself in the middle of a tug-of-war between two of his
least favorite people. Considering the options, he decided he'd rather
take his chances with Ranma. "Ranma! I'll explain! I'll explain! But
you gotta help me out here!"

"Aw, man. I guess I'm not going to find out what this is all about if I
don't. Okay, fine." Ranma cleared his throat and announced, "Rou-ga
Shuuhai-tai." Suddenly pointing down the street he cried, "Hey! What's
that?!"

But there was nothing down the street apart from the usual crowd of
bystanders watching them and making commentary.

"You don't really think they'd fall for that, do you, Daisuke?" Hiroshi
asked.

"Why not, Hiroshi?" Daisuke replied. "It's a pretty standard
technique."

Akane, Happousai, Kunou, Mikado, Kodachi, Shampoo, Ukyou, and Mousse
turned back to the two Ranmas but they were long gone.

[Read this in Akane's voice while envisioning quick clips from an
upcoming episode]:

Isn't it about time we found out the truth here? I still haven't even
heard about the wish I mentioned last time! Next time on "Ranma 1/2",
"Ryouga: The Secret of Blessed Water" See you there!