Anime Hospital 9 [FanFic]

[MegaZone]

[Note: This was sent to me without a proper header, so I just posted it
like this. The other archived files in this series should have the author's
proper address. -MegaZone PS: That means DON'T send comments via reply,
or I'll get them.]

Anime Hospital

episode nine

Ah! My Hospital



"Are you sure about this?" Heather asked Toni while she,
Mike, and Pam all waited by the diminuitive receptionist.
"For the fifteenth time, we've got no choice in the
matter," Toni snapped back at her.
Heather continued to watch the front glass doors with
apprehension. "Maybe if I slapped Stoopenstein around a bit, we
could get him to change his mind," she said, looking at Toni.
Mike glowered at her.
"It was just a suggestion," Heather said.
"Well, the sooner this problem gets fixed, the better,"
Tnoi said. "I don't even know what they're doing here."
Pam nodded. "Our computer system is not sophisticated
enough to warrent their presence."
Toni groaned. "I know." She took a swipe at her monitor
and said, "But what little computer we do have is completely
frozen up while those beasts roam free down our halls. You have
no idea how much work is getting mixed up on me."
Heather stuck her tounge out and made a face. "Those
things disgust me every time I see them." She shuddered. "Still,
do we have to call 'her' to take care of this for us?"
"Of course we have to call 'her.' She's the only one
with any experience in dealing with them."
"I see Heather's point, Toni," Mike said. "After all,
we all know what kind of trouble usually follows her around."
"We all see Heather's point, Mike. We just have to hope
for the best." Before Toni was finished speaking her mind, a
very large, vaguely insectlike creature ambled into the lobby.
It seemed to have a sadistic grin on it's face as it hobbled up
to nurses, doctors, and patients, scaring them with loud
gurgling sounds.
Without warning, a huge wooden mallet came crashing down
on the creature, squashing it flat and making a rather unnerving
squishing sound. A young girl with long black hair lifted her
weapon off of the mess and smiled with satisfaction. "Chalk up
another one, Sis," she called behind her.
The stunned quartet looked beyond the girl to see that
five other people had entered through the front glass doors and
were moving in to join the girl. Once they were all together,
they all approached the desk, where Toni was shaking her head in
disgust.
"I hear you have a computer virus," Skuld said, taping
her mallet on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, but we only serve Animes here. You can
visit, but we're not allowed to treat you," Toni said, never
looking away from her stack of papers.
"But our appointment was at this hospital," came the
protest.
"Of course it was. We still can't treat you." She
looked at each of the cartoon motorcycles, covered in bandages
at several odd locations. A malicious smile played across her
lips as she said, "Hospital policy, you understand. Now beat
it."
As the prospective patients turned away, one of them, a
little red scooter, started riling the leader, a larger bike
wearing a German WW2 helmet. "I toldja, I toldja!" it repeated
ceaselessly.
"Oh, shaddup!" it screamed back.
The entire gang was bowled over by a fleeing bug and
then tossed in all directions as Skuld cam crashing through
them, eyes fixed on her prey.
"You see what I mean?" Heather said, holding out a hand
in the direction of the ensuing chaos. "This is what happens
when we ask Animes for help." She sidled up to the receptioist's
desk and set her elbow on it to rest her chin on her hand.
"We're not going to get anything done."
"Since when was that ever a problem with you?" Toni
asked, arching her eyebrows.
"It's not the same. Avoiding work's no fun when it's not
your fault. Stoopenstein's gonna get it the next time I see
him,"
Toni smirked. "Well, I could give you something to
deliver..."
Heather turned a fearful eye at the enormous stack of
papers sitting on Toni's desk and said, "No thanks!"
"Then why don't you clean some rooms, or make some beds
or something?"
"Ha! I leave that to the orderlies."
Toni made a fist and gritted her teeth. "Then just go...
organize something, okay? I have more than enough work to make
up for your lack of it!"
Heather sighed, but then perked up when she looked at
the waiting room across the hall. Seated at different ends were
Urd, trouble consultant Kei, and Lufa. "Organize something...
Sound's good to me." As she walked away, Toni just sighed and
hid her face in her hands.
"She better not blame me when Mike catches her," Toni
simply said.

Mike ran down the hall as quickly as he could, fearing
that he was already too late. "Kahm! Kahm, put him down!"
The horned girl dropped Tetsuya from her iron grip and
looked at Mike with a mixture of anger and confusion. "Why
should I?"
The head nurse came to a halt in front of the pair, and
before he spoke, glanced briefly at Tetsuya trying to regain his
breath. "There's been a mix-up in the computer system. We had
him paired up with Ranma as a male and we didn't catch the
change in enough time to re-assign room." Mike stopped and
thought a bit. "Essentially, Ranma's still a guy, so it
shouldn't bother you anyway, should it?"
"Ha!" Kahm said. "Tetsuya's just the kinda pervert who'd
enjoy it too much anyway."
"I am not a pervert!" the boy finally got enough energy
to say.
"Sorry, gotta run," Mike said, and disappeared in a
flash.
The head nurse continued down the hall, faster than the
teads could carry him, hoping to avert yet another disaster.
Suddenly he stopped in mid-step and slowly turned in disbelief.
He had just passed Mari from the A-ko Universe and Kenshorio
from the North Star Universe, holding hands and gazing into each
other's eyes longingly. Mike shuddered and turned away, wishing
he hadn't seen it.
"Nabiki! Stop right there!" Mike said when he finally
got within earshot of the girl.
She froze guiltilly and turned around. In her hands was
one of the computer bugs, and she had been in the middle of
tying a leash around it.
"Nabiki, you can't take one of those things home with
you so that you can hack into your bank account."
Nabiki made a wounded look. "I just figured that if
Akane could have a pig, I should be allowed to have a bug. My
motives were purely innocent!"
Mike folded his arms and stared her down. Nabiki put up
a good fight, but was distracted when the bug started to squirm
in her arms and made a hasty escape.
"I've got him!" a voice from behind said, and before
Mike knew what happened, he was smacked on the head by Skuld's
mallet of destruction.
He fell in a heap, causing Nabiki to back away in
surprise. Skuld looked down and saw what she had just done, and
all she could say was, "Oops."

The doctors filed out of the emergency room, and one
stopped to look at the three women standing outside. "He should
live. This is usually against policy, but I think an exception
can be made this time. Go ahead and take a look. It may help
bring him out of it."
Toni, Heather, and Pam all entered the room as quickly
as they could, Heather nearly tripping over the other two. When
they were able to see the condition of it's occupent, they all
lowered their heads.
Mike was in a deep coma, and the monitors that had been
hooked up to him did not look encouraging. "He's in real bad
shape," Toni said with far less than her usual level of
sarcastic apathy.
"It's all that Anime's fault!" Heather said. "If it
hadn't been for her, he'd still be up and bossing us all around.
They know us humans can't take the same level of punishment they
can! I swear she'll die the next time I see her!"
"Calm down, red," Toni told the nurse. She looked at Pam
and said, "Did you ask?"
Pam nodded grimly. "She cannot help."
Toni scowled. "Figures. I didn't think Belldandy could
work her magic on humans. We're gonna just have to hope for the
best." She started out the door, saying, "Let's go. There's not
much good we can do here."
"I'd like to stay a bit longer, if you don't mind,"
Heather told the receptionist
"Suit yourself," Toni said, and she and Pam left the
room.
Once they were gone, Heather turned and looked at Mike
again. Her eyes were showing the first signs of tears, and she
seemed to be having trouble breathing. "Mike... Mike, I know you
can't hear me, so I can say whatever I want, and you won't ever
know."
She paused to take a few breaths. "Mike, you're a real
jerk, you know that? A real stick-in-the-mud who needs to learn
to loosen up a little. But, I swear, if I lose you, I'll never
forgive you, you know why?"
There were tears streaming down her cheeks by the time
she moved away from him and placed her hand on the doorknob.
"Because... I love you."
The door shut silently behind her, and Mike was left
alone in the room. It was then that the wires hooked to him, as
well as the few tubes he was injected to, began to glow. The
monitors all started to scramble their readouts, and Mike
dropped out of the coma and into a peaceful sleep.
"Mike.... Mike...." a voice spoke from nowhere. Mike
didn't respond.
The glow finally faded away. "Mike...."
Mike suddenly sighed. "Nurse... Jones," he wheezed.
"Wake up, Michael. Wake up and talk to me."
Mike's eyes opened and he immediately shut them again.
"Ah, my head hurts."
"Welcome back, Michael,"
"Hm?" Mike opened his eyes again and looked around.
"Who... who's there?"
"It's me, Michael," the voice said. The voice was very
hard to distinguish, and it could not even be certain what the
gender of it was. "I'm the hospital."


Begin Commercial Break

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Sitting on it is a girl who's skin is bright blue. A hand
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End Commercial Break


"What?" Mike said, half rising, but realizing that it
wouldn't be very wise just in the nick of time. "What kind of a
sick joke..?"
"It is no joke," the voice assured him. "Michael Jones,
I am the very hospital you walk through every day. I see you
everywhere you go. I see everything you do. I hear everything
you say. I know everything about you and everyone else who are a
part of me."
"This can't be real," Mike said. "I must be dying, and
this is some kind of nightmare before I go."
"Michael. Will you not listen to me, now that I can
speak to you at last?" The voice seemed to be on the verge of
tears.
Mike simply sighed and said, "All right. Talk. It's not
like I can stop you."
"Heather loves you."
Mike jerked as if he'd just been shot with electricity.
"All right, now I know this is some kind of joke."
"It is no joke. She said so just before she left this
room."
Mike blushed. "No, I just can't believe it. Why are you
telling me something like this?"
"Because it is the truth. I want you to know the truth
that I know."
"All right. Prove to me that you're telling me the
truth," Mike said.
"Would you like a detailed account of all the love
letters you dictated to Madoka, and Nene, and Ukyou, and any of
a dozen other Anime girls when you thought no one was watching,
but that you never got the courage to-"
"All right! I'm convinced. Well, if Heather wanted to
let me know that she loved me, why didn't she tell me herself?"
Mike's eyes widened with sudden realization, and before the
Hospital could answer he said, "Because she didn't want me to
know!"
Just then, Mike heard the sounds of an argument breaking
out just outside his door, and he said to the hospital, "What's
going on outside?"
"I am letting everyone know the truth that I know."
Mike bit back the curse that jumped to his lips, and
simply gritted his teeth as he started to reach for one of the
needles injected in him.

Belldandy, Keiichi, Urd, Skuld, Megumi, and Sayoko were
all watching the hospital staff with confused looks on their
faces. "Skuld?" Belldandy said.
"Yes, sister?" the young, raven-haired girl said.
"Are you certain all the bugs have disappeared?" she was
watching all the doctors and nurses with growing concern.
"Oh, they're still here. I can tell. I just can't find
them anymore. Who knows what kind of trouble they're getting
into?" She looked at everyone around and giggled. "You'd almost
think they've never heard of a talking building before. Don't
they know that all buildings have sprits of their own?"
"Um, Skuld?" Keiichi said.
"What?"
"Niether did I until I met your sister."
Skuld looked up and said, "Really? I thought that was
just because you're naturally thick-skulled. Oh, well. Guess I
can't be right about everything."
Keiichi gave her an annoyed look.
Megumi suddenly said, "It's really scary the way they're
all having such intense conversations, isn't it?"
Everyone else said, "Uh-huh."
Just then Pam walked up to them. Behind her, the walls
almost seemed to be saying, "Pam, Pam, why won't you talk to me?
I have so many things I want to tell you."
Pam ignored the voice and simply walked up to Skuld.
When she was standing right in front of her she simply look
Skuld right in the face and said nothing. Skuld, too, did not
seem to have anything to say, until, after a while, she nodded.
Pam nodded back and turned to leave. "Bye, guys," Skuld
told the others. "Nurse Kaburi and I are going to do a little
investigating."
"Do you have any idea what just went on?" Sayako asked
everyone else.
"Not a thing," Keiichi said. "I've heard some things
about that nurse, but with the people in this hospital, you
really never can tell."
"Oh no!" Belldandy said then. "Those two doctors are
arguing with each other!"
"You see?"

"It was you!" one doctor said to another. "The hospital
told me that it was you who stole my favorite stethescope!"
"Hey, it wasn't like that at all! I just borrowed it,
and then I lost it, and weh I saw how upset you were, I-"
"Shut up and just give me my stethescope back!"
"All right, you two, cut it out!" Toni said from behind.
"This is a hsopital, not a courthouse."
The first doctor looked at Toni and said, "But he stole
my-"
"Because the hospital told you so, right?" Toni said.
"Uh- yeah,"
Toni pulled out a couple of slips of paper and handed
one to each doctor. "You know the proper procedure for filing
complaints. Now why don't you wait to discuss the when the
hospital stops talking to you?" The doctors only gave each other
confused and defeated looks as Toni walked away, but they were
no longer arguing.
As she continued down the hall, Heather joined her from
where she was waiting. "Has it been like this long?"
"Almost from the moment the place started talking," Toni
said. "It's been rattling off all of our secrets, and most of
them aren't things we want anyone else to know. If this keeps
up, we're going to be in a lot of trouble."
"So, we've been in it deep before,"
"Yes, but it's never been our own fault. Even if we do
manage to keep everyone from trying to kill each other, the
nasty thing about the truth is that it stays with you for a long
time. The effects of this could last for years. We may never
recover."
Heather shuddered. "I hope Mike's still in a coma."
"What!" Toni said, spinning on her heel to face the
redheaded nurse.
"Because I wouldn't want him to have to see all this,"
Heather quickly supplied. "It would worry him too much."
"That's true," Toni said. "I- oh, no. Not now."
"What?" Heather asked, looking ahead. "Oh, I see what
you mean."
Dr Stoopenstien quickly approached the two ladies once
he noticed them, and he seemed very worried about what was going
on. "Ah, Nurse Farly. Ms. Li. I am so glad that I found you. I
was in my lab when the most incredible thing happened."
"The hospital started talking to you?" Toni asked
flatly.
Karl looked surprised. "Eh? How did you know that?"
"It's talking to everybody, you twit," Heather said.
"It is? Oh, that's right, it is! Actually, that's what I
wanted to talk to you about. It seems that some of the things
that have been said are a bit destructive to the staff's morale,
and I was hoping to get you two to help out with the problem."
Heather and Toni looked at each other, unsure of what to
say.
"Well, I mean, it's not as if the things it mentions are
really all that important," Karl continued. "I mean, for
example, is it really significant that you sometimes still suck
your thumb, Ms. Li?"
Toni's eyes grew wide with terror, and try as she might,
Heather could not help but giggle at the image.
"The problem is," Karl said, not even noticing Toni and
Heather anymore, "Everyone just seems to be taking these things
too seriously, so I've been asking everyone to assemble in the
lobby, and-"
"You did what!" Toni and Heather both said in disbelief.
The statement had apparently been enough to break them both free
of the effects of Karl's earlier revelation.
"Well, I just thought it would be a good place to-" Karl
began, but before he was even halfway through, he was speaking
to empty space as Toni and Heather started running full speed
for the lobby.

By the time Heather and Toni got there, it was too late.
The hundreds of doctors, nurses, and orderlies who worked at the
hospital had all gathered in the immense front lobby, and the
effect had been like adding fuel to a fire. What could only be
described as the mother of all brawls had broken out, and dozens
of Animes were fleeing for cover in the ensuing confusion.
"You were saying something about 'long term effects',"
Heather commented.
"I forgot to account for the Stoopenstein factor."
"So what do we do?" Heather asked.
"Now? Pray, and make sure none of them notice us."
"Heather," the hospital said, suddenly. "Toni. Will you
talk to me now? Please. I'm so lonely without someone to talk
to."
"No," Toni said quickly.
"But, why?"
"Because you're not the hospital," Toni said. This
statement surprised even Heather.
"I am the hospital. Haven't I proven that to you?"
"You've proven that you know everything about us that
the hospital would know, but you're not the hospital. If the
hospital could really talk, it wouldn't cause this," Toni
gestured at the fight that was going on. "This, for a hospital,
would be suicide. You can't be the hospital."
"No, please. You must believe me. I am the hospital.
Shall I tell you about-"
Heather's eyes lit up suddenly. "Toni, I think you're on
to something, here."
"I hope so. I just hope there's something that can be
done about it. For now, we need to ignore this bogus voice and
concentrate on finding a way to shut it up." Toni looked back at
the fight that was going on, and she paused. "Eh? I wonder
what's happening now?"
It didn't take long to find out. Bit by bit, fighting
amongst the staff broke off, to be replaced by whispering, which
resulted in more cease-fires and more whispering. Finally the
cause of it all was made clear as Mike came limping into the
center of the assmbled staff. He looked to be in even worse
shape than before, with fresh bandages on his head that were
stained with blood, but the large man was making a fantastic
show of self-control as he began to speak.
"Look at all of you," Mike said, sternly, and many of
the doctors and nurses lowered their heads in shame. "Isn't this
supposed to be a hospital? Aren't we all supposed to be
professionals around here? Haven't we learned from our
experiences with our patients to be a bit more open-minded.
Can't any of you see that you've been had?"
At the last part, everyone started talking, mostly
voicing questions to no one in particular, or to Mike, asking
what in the world he was talking about.
"Quiet!" Mike said, and everyone was instantly silent.
"I've just gotten done talking with Nurse Kaburi. You know those
bugs that had infested the hospital? They weren't after the
computer system at all. They were feeding on the soul of the
hospital. And you all let yourselves get infected right along
with it."
Everyone gasped in surprise, and the hospital was trying
weakly to protest, but everyone was listening to Mike. "Aren't
we supposed to be a medical crew?" Mike continued. "It's our job
to cure infections, not fall victem to them ourselves. Ladies
and Gentlemen, we have a virus loose in the hospital, and it is
our sworn duty to eliminate it. Now are you going to help us do
it?"
"Yes!" Came the thundering response, as everyone lifted
their hands in unision.
"The get on out there!" Mike ordered. "Pam and Skuld
need all the help they can get!"
With a loud cheer, the lobby cleared as everyone went
running in different directions, all of them in search of the
bugs. Skuld's voice started speaking over the intercom, listing
off instructions on how to find and eliminate the little beasts.
When all was quiet in the lobby again, Mike sighed and
looked around. He saw Heather standing next to Toni, a look of
paranoid terror on her face. He quickly assumed his stiffest
posture and said, "Nurse Farley! What are you doing just
standing there! Go and help out!"
Heather visably relaxed, ans started running down the
south wing, mumbling, "Big, dumb jerk."
Once she was gone, Mike started to sink, to the ground,
but Toni caught him and lifted him up. "We've got to get you
back to your room. That was really stupid of you, leaving in
your condition."
"It had to be done."
"I know that, and good job."
Soon the hsopital was no longer speaking localized, but
was making universal screams heard throughout the entire length
of it. At breakneck speed it rattled off little facts about all
the doctors and nurses, hoping to distract them from what they
were doing to it. It wasn't working.
"And Pam is really a-" it started to say, but broke off,
as apparently the last bug was killed. There was a collective
groan as everyone had perked up their ears, hoping to hear a
revelation about the mysterious nurse.
"That sticks!" one of the nurses said. "Who was it that
killed the last one?"
"I believe the problem has been eliminated," Pam said as
she walked by, carrying the body of a dead bug in her hand.
"Figures," the doctor next to the upset nurse said.

"Are you sure you're going to be all right, Mike?" Toni
said as the three women stood next to his hospital bed.
"I'll be fine. Just leave the curing the sick and
mangled to the doctors," Mike smiled at them. "Just make sure
you don't take advatage of my absence to goof off, Nurse
Farley," he added with a stern voice.
"Since when have I needed you to be halfway to your
deathbed to do that?" Heather returned.
Pam simply smiled at Mike and said, "It is good to see
that you will be well."
"Thanks, Nurse Kaburi. Well, don't all of you keep
hanging around here when there's work to be done. Go on, get
back to work. There'll be more than enough time to visit me when
the day's over."
"Stick in the mud," Heather grumbled as she left with
the other two.
Mike watched them leave and smiled. Turning his head, he
looked up at the ceiling and began to count off his fingers.
"Now let's see. 'Dear Nurse Farley...'"


* * * Preview of Next Week's Episode * * *

The ancient Japanese Legends return, and they accuse the
Animes of trying to bury them in obscurity! When Myth collides
with Fantasy, only hilarity can result. The cast of Greenwood,
Maison Ikkoku, Video Girl Ai, and more Japanese Legends than you
can shake a stick at all guest star in next week's episode:
"Taking Things Literally"!