Ranma 1/2 Elseworlds - Lookin' Down the Barrel of a Glomp [FANFIC]

[Stefan Gagne]

Ranma 1/2 Elseworlds : Lookin' Down the Barrel of a Glomp
By Stefan Gagne

Intro/Outtro Story by John Walter Biles

(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
to eat my own colon to live.)

(DISCLAIMER : This is NOT a UY/Ranma crossover fanfic.)

%

"AKANE!!!!!!!!!!" The shout echoed through the streets of
the Nerima district from a small park, home to a wishing well.
The shouter was one Ranma Saotome, an increasingly desperate
teenager who had just watched his fiancee Akane Tendo fade away
after making an unspoken wish.
In his usual straightforward manner, Ranma was trying to
defeat the well in in combat and force it to bring her back.
The well, however, seemed to be being stubborn...or perhaps didn't
understand what Ranma was trying to convince it to do...or possibly
was incapable of any such deal at all. Ranma switched tactics and
prepared to toss a garbage can down the well, in the hopes that it
would perhaps get ill and toss Akane back up...or something. He
wasn't quite sure what the well had done with Akane...but past
experience taught him beating things up usually got results.
"AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed the garbage can, startling Ranma,
who dropped it. A cute brown haired girl popped out of the garbage
can. She started flailing away at Ranma in a manner unlikely to do
more than mildly annoy him. "You almost tossed me down the well!"
Ranma blinked, then recognized the girl..make that guy. It was
Tsubasa, Ranma's least favorite transvestite. Not that he really
had a favorite. Well, unless you counted Ukyou, but Ranma didn't
think of her as a transvestite, even if she had dressed and lived
as a boy for ten years. For a moment, he paused to consider
whether anyone would even be able to tell if Tsubasa acquired the
same curse as him, then his brain returned to the matter at hand.
"You're behind this! Aren't you! I should have realized it
when Ukyou was the first person to disappear! And now what have
you done with Akane?" He lifted Tsubasa and shook him, trying to
overcome the part of his brain shouting at him not to get violent
with a female. With difficulty, Ranma shut off that voice and
focused on the now shaking and crying Tsubasa.
"I didn't do anything! I came here to wish that she might
come back!" Tsubasa shook with fear.
"Yeah, right. Well, I guess you're not lying. There's no way
you could have made her vanish like that when..." Something was
wrong. Ranma realized his head felt heavy. Then the weight leaned
over and looked at him. It was the wrinkly, repulsive martial arts
master known as Happousai.
"What's wrong, Ranma?" Happousai said. "Don't be sad. I
have a nice new bra for you to wear just as soon as I get you a
little water so it will fit properly!"
Ranma plucked Happy off his head and tossed him at a nearby
tree. "Get away you old pervert! We're trying to find Akane!"
Happy bounced off the tree and over to the well. "So that's
the way it's going to be? You won't even consider wearing a bra?"
Ranma said, "NO! I won't! You're a disgusting dirty old
man!"
Glaring at Ranma, Happy said, "Show your master some respect!"
He began raising a bucket from the well.
Snorting, Ranma said, "Why? You don't deserve respect. A
martial arts master who lets himself be locked up in a cave for ten
years? Yeah, right. The power and the glory are yours, all right."
Tsubasa quietly slipped off and put on another disguise while they
were distracted.
Happousai made a swift move, and Ranma dropped into a fighting
position. "Probably gonna try and toss a grenade down my shirt,"
he thought.
It was a rolled up scroll, not a grenade, and Happy only
opened it up and read it. Ranma blinked.
Happy chortled. "You think I am weak? You simply haven't
been trained properly in respect boy! But I'm going to fix that
right now!"
An eyebrow went up. "What, by reading me a bedtime story? By
boring me into submission?"
"No! I bought this scroll from a street vendor and..."
A part of Ranma's brain quickly analyzed this and concluded
that Happy was about to use something magical. Ranma had had many
experiences with magic, ranging from bad to outright catastrophic.
The brilliant tactical part of his mind considered its options
carefully in the approximately two seconds he had before
catastrophe would begin to strike.
Unfortunately, it was still considering options when
catastrophe struck. For once, Happy showed off his true skill at
martial arts and not just his true skill at being a pervert.
"Anything Goes Martial Speed Reading Technique!" Happy
shouted, whipping out the scroll and reading off a long string of
what sounded to Ranma vaguely like Serbo-Croatian, or maybe Urdu,
or at least not Japanese.
Ranma blinked. Nothing happened. He started to sigh in
relief, but then Happousai continued.
"Heh! This scroll grants one wish! And that power is now at
my command!" He cackled and waved the scroll over his head.
Ranma lept for the scroll, despite the fact that it was already
too late.
"My wish is that I had never stayed locked up in that cave for
ten years! I wish I had gotten out immediately! Heh! Now you'll
see boy! I will have already shown you who's boss by now."
Ranma shuddered, for the prospect of the alteration of history
in this manner was not a pleasant one to him. Nothing happened.
He smirked. "Looks like you couldn't even do that right."
Suddenly, Happousai vanished. The scroll dropped to the
ground.
Ranma wasn't sure whether to be glad, or to be very, very
afraid.

*

Purple Robes tossed aside his/her street vendor costume, sat
down, and observed the pool. A vision began to form. "Let's see
if the old man's desires can give me what I want. And let's pray
it doesn't have as bad of side-effects as it might."

%

Ding!
And then it exploded.
Kaneda yelped and hit the ground, covering his head as the
severed microwave door sliced through the air like cheesewire
through cheese. It embedded in the far wall with a TWANNGGGG,
like a knife vibrating up and down.
It wasn't the lid that was the problem, though. It was the
rest of the room, which was now coated in egg, danish chunks,
jelly, tinfoil, and various herbs and seasonings. As usual, his
latest experiment was a complete and utter failure.
"Well," he said aloud, brushing various intermingled sauces
off his apron, "Bang goes that idea..."
"Another failure?" Nabiki asked, leaning in the kitchen
doorway.
"Yes, Nabiki, another failure," Kaneda grumbled, starting
the long process of cleaning up. "How much did you win this
time?"
"Five hundred yen. Akane has too much faith in you," Nabiki
said. "I could grow old and retire just by banking money on you
never successfully cooking anything."
"Don't you have some off track betting parlors to cruise,
Nabiki?" Kaneda asked, pulling at the microwave door. "I'm busy
here."
"Just make sure you have this mess cleaned up in time for
Akane and Mrs. Saotome to cook dinner, Kaneda-chan."
"Don't call me Kaneda-chan!"
By then, however, Nabiki had left. Kaneda sighed. Deep in
his heart, he KNEW he was a master chef. People calling him a
'Home Economics Pansy' wouldn't stop that dream. People betting
on his continued failures wouldn't stop that dream. Heck, even
his total inability to produce something edible by carbon based
life forms wouldn't stop that dream.
What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up, like a
raisin in the sun?
Hmm... Raisins... Kaneda rooted through the cupboard,
looking for a box. Inspiration had just hit him for a sort of
raisin-jello and rice surprise, if he could just find--
"Kaneda-kun!" Akane called, running inside. "What was that
explosion?"
"Just the microwave," Kaneda said. "Hey, we got any
raisins? Or even grapes. I think if I stuck grapes out in the
sun it'd be the same thing..."
"You BLEW UP the microwave?!" Akane gasped.
"Sorry," Kaneda replied.
Akane sighed. "It's okay, Kaneda-kun... I can work around
the mess. Scoot over, I've got to fire up the oven for dinner."
"One of these days, Akane. One of these days I'll finally
cook something for the whole family, or my name isn't Kaneda
Saotome!"
"Yes, well, you do that. Now scoot, I've got to get
cooking. After all, if I didn't feed us, who would?"

*

"AIEEE!"
"HENTAI!"
"MANIAC!"
"GET HIM!"
The figure carrying a sack of underwear ran down the street,
laughing merrily. "Come get me, girls! If I had more time, I'd
greet you properly, but I suppose underwear will have to do for
now..."
The figure easily dodged a series of vicious swipes with
brooms, rakes, and mops that the female crowd was waving madly. If
there were any available, they'd probably have been carrying
torches as well. The figure hopped into a crowd of shoppers at
an open air market, then slipped into an alley while his pursuers
plowed through the customers like so many bowling pins.
"Nyah! Missed me!" he said, sticking out his tongue and
pulling at an eyelid. "Now, let's see what haul we've got...
bra... bra... panty... oooh, this one's been used recently! (sniff)
Terrif. Bra... bra..."
The sign was smashed against his head before he could react.
The panty thief dropped his sack and flopped to the ground in an
awkward lump.
The woman dropped the YIELD sign, sighing. As is, this
situation simply wouldn't be presentable to the Tendos and
Saotomes. She'd have to wait for the rain to stop and look for
some hot water.

*

The family settled for dinner, breaking out the chopsticks
as Akane brought the various bowls out. Mr. Saotome's stomach
could be heard growling from seventeen paces, and heightened its
volume upon seeing food.
"Stop drooling, dear," Nodoka said, wiping her husband's
mouth with a napkin. "I know you love Akane-chan's cooking, but
let's not make ourselves look undignified over it..."
"It's not THAT good," Kaneda mumbled, poking through his
dinner.
"Don't play with your food, Kaneda-kun," Nodoka warned. "You
know, Akane-chan, if you keep up with your cooking lessons,
one day you'll make a fine wife for some lucky husband!"
"Auntie!" Akane exclaimed. "I'm... I'm not ready for
marriage just yet."
"But your cooking is excellent!"
"..not THAT good..." Kaneda mumbled again. Most of the
family ignored him.
"What, that? Big deal... I mean, anybody can cook," Akane
laughed, ignoring the grumbles from Kaneda's corner of the table.
"Martial arts is FAR more difficult."
"Another talent of yours which is growing every day!" Soun
nodded through his constant stream of eating.
"Ah... thanks, dad," Akane said, proceeding to sit down and
start eating before more heaps of praise were thrown at her.
"Ah, Saotome, remember that dream we once had?" Soun mused,
in between payloads. "Of uniting our families together by
marriage..."
Kaneda choked violently on his rice. "What!?"
"Yes, Tendo, I recall that promise," Genma nodded. "But, if
you recall, we specifically had in mind pair up our R--"
"Pass the salt," Nodoka interrupted, flashing her husband an
angry glare. Genma blinked, and handed it over.
The rest of the kids made no comments; the last thing they
wanted to do was encourage such an idea, each considering the
horrors involved.
Nabiki would rather eat nails than marry Kaneda, frankly.
Well, he wasn't THAT bad of a guy, even if she did make fun of
him at every turn and think he was rather pathetic at anything he
tried and wonder if the boy had some sort of bad luck burned into
his soul from birth. There were other, richer fish in the sea
than him, however. She dismissed the parental whimsy as just
that, whimsy, and continued eating.
Akane balked at the idea of marriage entirely. First of
all, the only Saotome available to marry was Kaneda, who she had
treated as a brother since as far as she could remember. Plus,
she had this little thing; she hated boys. Hated 'em, hated 'em,
hated 'em. (Well, except for Kaneda, who was more of a sis...
sibling than a 'boy'.) No marriage here, thank you very much,
dad...
Kaneda didn't want to get married to a gold digger, nor to
someone that could show him up at every turn in the kitchen. Not
that he HATED them... okay, perhaps Nabiki... but they were his
sisters, in a way. That didn't leave any other options in the
Tendo family.
And after all, there weren't any other children.

*

Ranma straightened his shirt, nervously picking at the
wooden ties. Kasumi paused, in mid knock.
"Are you alright, Ranma?" she asked.
"Fine, fine. Just a little shaken up. Thanks for waiting
for the weather to clear," he said. "You sure this is the
place?"
Kasumi pointed to the nearby sign : THE SAOTOME-TENDO
ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL ARTS DOJO. "This is the place. I wonder
if they'll recognize us... it's been so long..."
"I'd be happy just to get indoors and take a bath, frankly,"
Ranma said. "Thirteen years of road travel doesn't go wonders
for the hygiene..."
"That's all? You're not the least bit excited about finally
seeing our families?"
"A little excited... but really, I can't remember them,"
Ranma said. "You were six when we left, I was only three."
"Well... if you're nervous, we could wait a few days..."
Kasumi suggested. "Nothing's making us introduce ourselves into
the family on our first day back in Tokyo..."
"I'm not nervous," Ranma said. "Besides, we've been waiting
long enough to come home... let's get on with it."
Kasumi nodded, and knocked on the door.
"Who can we expect to see again?" Ranma asked.
"Well..." Kasumi thought, tapping her chin with a finger.
"There's our parents... I have two sisters, Nabiki and... Akane,
yes. And I think you have a sister. I recall her owning an
easy-bake oven and crying when nothing cooked right."
"Just a sister, then," Ranma said. "I don't remember mother
much, but I remember Dad, at least. He had glasses and was
really loud."
Kasumi nodded. "He doesn't have any hair, either."
"That should do for initial recognition, then," Ranma said,
straightening out his shirt for the nth time. "I just hope they
recognize us."
The door opened, Kaneda looking outside. "Yes, what can I
do for you?"
Kasumi paused. She didn't have any brothers... "Excuse me,
this IS the Saotome-Tendo Dojo, yes?"
"That's right. Are you two looking for training?" Kaneda
asked. "We're at dinner at the moment, but considering the
nonnegative, nonpositive number of students we have, I'm sure Mr.
Tendo would be very pleased to see you--"
"He's here right now?" Kasumi asked, perking up.
"Yup. We--"
"DADDY!!" she yelled, bowling Kaneda over on her beeline
path towards the dining room. Kaneda blinked before hitting the
floor.
"Sorry about that," Ranma said, helping him to his feet.
"She's been waiting awhile for this..."
"Who're you, anyway?" Kaneda asked, dusting his apron off.
"Saotome Ranma," Ranma said, bowing. "Pleased to meet you,
Mr...?"
"S...Saotome," Kaneda said. "Saotome Kaneda..."
"Huh? I thought I had a sister."
Kaneda groaned. "Is this another prank by those twits at
Furinkan? Tell them I'm perfectly happy being a MALE cook, thank
you, and they can stuff themselves--"
"No, no, not a prank," Ranma insisted. "I'm Saotome Ranma. Do
you remember me at all?"
"We gave at the office," Kaneda said, shutting the door in
his face and returning to the dinner table. You get all kinds of
wackos in Nerima, he thought.
(This, in general, was true. Nerima was a magnet for mania
and chaos, compared to the relative peace of other Tokyo suburbs.
Unfortunately, one side effect of this is the inability to
distinguish between 'Neriman Unreality' and 'Reality'. Thus
leaving a highly confused Ranma to stand on the dojo stoop, not
sure what he should be doing.)
The dining room was more confusing than the front door,
unfortunately.
"Wha... what do you mean, you're not my mother?" Kasumi
asked Nodoka, sitting in Soun's lap.
"I'm Mrs. Saotome, dear," Nodoka said.
"Where's my mother, then? I've been gone so long, I hoped
she'd be here when I got back..."
"Didn't you know that mom died?" Nabiki asked.
(dramatic pause)
'died?' Kasumi asked, in a really tiny voice. Then the
sobbing started.
"Saotome, I thought you said we'd never see Ranma or Kasumi
again!" Mr. Tendo asked, cuddling his daughter.
"I d-didn't think we would..." Genma stammered. "I mean,
the master DID say he was going to take them away forever..."
"Alright, WHAT is going on here?!" Akane demanded, slamming
a fist against the table. Most of the dishes jumped. "I don't
like being confused. Dad! Mr. Saotome! EXPLAIN!"
"I'm confused too," Kaneda said, rejoining the others at the
table. "Who's this girl?"
"This... this is our long lost daughter, Tendo Kasumi," Soun
said.
"We have another sister?" Nabiki asked, quirking an eyebrow.
"Wow, dad, I didn't know you had it in you."
"It's not like that!" Soun protested. "It's.... we just
lost her at a early age, and thought she'd never return... so we
decided not to mention her again, so the pain wouldn't
resurface..."
"Mom's DEAD?!" Kasumi asked again, looking up for a moment
from her crying spree.
"I think a history lesson is required," Kaneda said. "Let's
get this out in the air. Why haven't we heard of a Tendo Kasumi
before?"
"Because my baka husband went and made possibly one of the
stupidest promises of his life, that's why," Nodoka said, more or
less to herself, but probably more to others. "His perverted,
slimeball martial arts sensei demanded his first born child, as
well as Mr. Tendo's, and naturally my darling husband agreed
without so much as a verbal protest."
"He wouldn't let us leave otherwise!" Genma rebutted,
standing up.
"So why didn't you two just beat him up or bury him under a
mountain or whatever?!" Nodoka asked, getting up to match Genma's
glare.
"We TRIED. We had him drunk, sealed in a barrel, strapped
with dynamite, dumped in a cave and sealed up with a ward-coated
boulder," Genma said. "That didn't work. Even under all THAT,
the best trap we could make, he got out. We realized how
hopeless it was to lose the master after that point... how we'd
be locked in servitude and training until the end of time... we
got off LUCKY by exchanging our future children for our freedom!"
Nabiki turned to Akane. "Are you following this?" she
whispered.
"Not really, but I'm guessing we'll have everything figured
out later," Akane said. "Plus... it's not healthy to interrupt
while Mr. and Mrs. Saotome are in another of their fights..."
"Surely you could have found another way than giving up my
baby boy!" Nodoka said. "AND your best friend's baby girl...
taken away at such a tender age when your stupid 'MASTER' came a-
knockin'..."
"You don't know Happousai! He'd never stop training us if
we didn't give him replacements. You should be happy I did make
that promise, or you and I would never have been able to marry
and lead a normal life! Anyway, that's not a problem anymore, is
it?" Genma pointed out. "Kasumi and Ranma are back now, and...
my god... is HE with you, Kasumi-chan? The master?"
Kasumi looked up from her father's chest long enough to
shake her head.
"Good. Umm," Genma stopped. "Where's Ranma?"
All eyes swivelled to Kaneda, who was too busy stuffing his
face to pay attention.
"Oh, Kaneda-chan?" Nabiki inquired, smiling evilly.
"Doff calf me fhat," Kaneda sort-of said, between bites. "What
now?"
"Was there another boy who showed up with Kasumi?"
Kaneda paused. "Wait, you mean this 'long lost brother'
story is true?"
Everybody nodded. Very. Slowly.
"Oops," Kaneda mumbled.

*

After Kaneda opened the door to a very grumpy looking Ranma,
mumbling apologies and begging forgiveness, the reunion
commenced.
Akane had cooked enough food to give everybody a decent
sized meal, despite the two new mouths to feed. This is because
Mr. Saotome typically eats enough to feed three people. Kasumi
gradually calmed down, Ranma forgot about having the door shut in
his face, and all were in high spirits as the severed arm of the
family rejoined at the shoulder.
"We lived in Tokyo for a few years," Kasumi said, swirling a
finger in her lemonade. "It was quite nice to settle down and go
to school, instead of wander the open road and get into trouble."
"I fear the many horrors you befell at the hands of the
Master," Soun said gravely. "I hope you were not overly
traumatized..."
"Eh, you gradually get used to the old bugger," Ranma said.
"Ranma, your language," Kasumi warned.
"Ack. Sorry, Oneechan."
Oneechan? Several minds thought. Kasumi continued. "Anyway,
while there, we noticed other Tendos and Saotomes in the
phone book... we were going to visit earlier, but Happousai
picked that moment to take a training trip to China, where--"
"Do we have any more cookies?" Ranma asked, pushing crumbs
around on the plate.
"Yeesh, Ranma, you eat like a horse," Akane commented.
"I haven't had a decent meal in days," Ranma said. "So, the
more food I can get, the better."
"Food?" Kaneda asked, perking up. "Just ONE second!"
Before anyone could stop him, he was in and out of the
kitchen, now carrying a dented tin tray, covered in Saran Wrap.
"Voila!" he said, pulling the plastic covering off, like
ripping the skin off a decaying animal. "Kaneda's Brownie
Surprise."
"I'm afraid of anything you make that has the word surprise
embedded in it," Nabiki said. "And those aren't very brown. More
of a mauve."
"Nobody said brownies had to be brown, Nabiki," Kaneda said
icily. "Bro, want one?"
"Ummm... I'll pass," Ranma said. "Thanks for the offer,
though."
"I'll take one, Kaneda-kun," Kasumi said, smiling sweetly.
"No! Kasumi! I don't want to lose you so soon after your
return!" Soun gasped. A brownie smacked him upside the face with
a sickly SPLUT, Kaneda growling. Kaneda carved/spooned out a
lump of brownie for Kasumi, placing it on a plate.
"Anyway, how did you two manage to leave the Master?" Genma
asked, eyeing the brownie wearily.
"After we got back from China, Happy caught on to our notion
of visiting you guys," Ranma said. "He announced his intentions
to take us to some place called New York for combat survival
training. I think that was the breaking point... I couldn't take
training life anymore. So, while at the airport, Kasumi and I
stuffed him into a large trunk, pop-riveted it shut, and gave it
to Customs. I don't think we'll ever see him again."
"Still, we must be on our toes constantly," Genma warned,
taking on the tone of a typical wise father figure. "The Master
is a wily demon. Why is Kasumi turning purple?"
"KASUMMIII!!!" Soun freaked, grabbing for his daughter. Kasumi
wobbled around slightly, then finally swallowed the
congealed lump of brownie. Her color returned to normal.
"Needs sugar," Kasumi said.
"Needs... sugar..." Kaneda wrote down. "Okay, thanks."
"You know, Tendo, now that Ranma and Kasumi have returned to
us, we could finally fulfill that promise..." Genma suggested.
"Promise?" Nodoka asked, looking up. "You made ANOTHER
promise? Who do they have to be enslaved to now?"
"It was a perfectly harmless promise, dear," Genma smiled.
"You'd approve. In an effort to ensure our families continued
happiness an prosperity, we decided to marry Ranma to one of
Tendo's daughters!"
"What?!" Akane gasped.
"Oh, good, he didn't mean me," Kaneda said, relieved. "Anybody
else want a brownie?"
"Whoa, umm, what?" Ranma asked. "Married?"
"That's right, my boy. Well... we KNEW that eventually the
Master would return for you, but dammit, I was so proud the night
you were born that Tendo and I decided to link our families
together."
"How many drinks did you have before you made this promise,
dear?" Nodoka asked.
"Just seven, why?"
"That's right, Saotome," Soun nodded. "And now on this
joyous day that your boy has returned, we can finally see our
dream through! Go ahead, Ranma, pick one."
"Pick one what?" Ranma asked, dense.
"He means pick a wife, bro," Kaneda said. "Want a brownie?"
"But... I don't WANT to get married!" Ranma said. "I barely
know any of you, besides..."
"That goes double for me," Nabiki said. "Sorry, Dad, but
I'll have no part of this. I've got too much to do with my life
to get married at the moment. You'll just have to go with
Akane."
"WHAT?!" Akane gasped. Again.
"Or Kasumi," Nabiki shrugged.
"Me, marry oneechan?" Ranma asked. This whole family
reunion thing was looking less and less appealing by the minute.
"She's not your sister, Ranma," Nabiki noted.
"Yeah, but... well... we grew up together. She's
practically my sister by, whaddya call it, de jura? Or is it de
facto?"
"Then the matter is settled!" Genma smiled. "Ranma and
Akane shall wed."
"No way!" Akane exclaimed, getting to her feet. "There is
NO WAY I'm going to marry a boy I just met. He could be some
sort of hentai freak for all I know!"
"WHAT?!" Ranma yelled, jumping to his feet as well. "I am
NOT a hentai freak!"
The others instinctively backed away from Ranma and Akane,
recognizing the body positions and voice tones from one of Nodoka
and Genma's fights... and knowing it's best to be away from the
blast radius when such a fight occurs.
"You might be a mad serial chicken rapist for all I know,"
Akane said.
"And I might not be," Ranma added. "Don't go judging people
before you try to get to know them, okay? I'll have you know I'm
the greatest guy I know!"
"You're biased."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Doesn't ANYBODY want a brownie?" Kaneda asked, waving the
tin pan about in the air.
Ranma paused. "No. Akane, I'm not going to argue. Look,
pop, don't push me into something like this. It ain't fair, not
on my first day home. Akane... I'd rather you not bite my head
off before you have adequate reason to."
"Well, I..." Akane started. She really didn't have a reason
to yell at Ranma... she was just startled by her dad's decision.
Inwardly, she kicked herself to attacking him like that. For all
she knew, he could be a really nice guy, and she just ticked him
off.
"I'm gonna get ready for bed," Ranma announced. "Take a
nice hot bath and hit the sack."
"Not enough hot water to draw a bath," Nabiki noted.
"Something's funny with the pipes."
Both Ranma and Kasumi panicked momentarily. Ranma, however,
regained his composure quickly. "Okay, then I'll take a COLD
bath. Yo, Kaneda, over here for a moment."
"Hungry?" Kaneda asked, hopefully.
"Not really. C'mere," Ranma motioned. Akane resumed
arguing about marriage with her father, ignoring the two boys.
"Something up?" Kaneda asked, setting the brownies down.
"Yeah... look, man, I'd like you to do me a favor," Ranma
said, looking around nervously. "I know you just met me and all,
but I'd appreciate it..."
"Might as well start off on the right foot, bro," Kaneda
suggested. "Whaddya need?"
"I gotta take a bath," Ranma said. "I've been on the road
for WAY too long and smell pretty nasty. But I need you to stand
outside the door and make sure nobody comes in."
"Eh? Why not just lock the door?"
"Because the other half of the job is to make sure I don't
come out until I'm done," Ranma said.
"What?"
"Trust me on this, bro," Ranma said. "I'm counting on you
here."

*

The human mind can forget a staggeringly wide range of
things.
For instance, Kaneda's mind, under the right conditions, can
completely forget why he's standing in front of a bathroom door.
This normally happens when an inspiration for a revolutionary new
variation of steak stir fry pops into his mind, and he bolts for
the kitchen.
Also, Akane's mind, under the right conditions, can
completely forget that Ranma had publicly announced his
intentions to shower. This normally happens when she's been busy
arguing with her father about the pluses and minuses of marriage.
Sadly, both conditions were met. While Kaneda was busy
burning meat and laying on enough spices to kill an oxen, Akane
was in the bathroom, getting ready to wash up.
When Akane slid open the door to the inner bathroom, wearing
nothing but a yellow wash towel (draped across one wrist) she was
greeted by a brown haired boy who was just getting out of the
tub. Keep in mind at this point that both of them were
completely naked to understand the reactions : one of surprise,
one of joy.
"Yowza!!" the boy exclaimed. "Come to poppa, honey buns!"

*

GLOMP.
"AIEIEEEEEEE!!!"
WHAM! POW! (CrUnCH.) WHACK! CLANGGGGG...
StompstompstompstompstompstompSKREEEeeee... (grind)
Kaneda looked up from his ingredients to track the noise,
which is good, because at that moment the dish caught on fire and
would have torched his eyebrows. He patted out the flames and
rushed from the kitchen.
"Akane?!" he asked, as the girl walked by, wearing a
bathrobe and carrying the huge wooden table she had dragged off
the floor. "What's wrong?"
"There's a PERVERT in the bathroom!!" Akane blurted. "My
god... he... he GRABBED me! I can't let him live!!!!"
Kaneda panicked, then quickly gathered his wits. "Where is
he now?"
"Still up there. I hit him until he let go," Akane said. "And
I'm going to go jam this table down his throat!"
"Let me handle this," Kaneda said, putting the obligatory
Masculine Protective Blocking Hand in front of Akane. "I'm the
man of the houOOOF"
Akane pulled her elbow out of his side. "Baka! I want to
kill him myself! After what he did..."
"This guy could be dangerous, Akane! I don't want you
getting hurt."
"And I don't want EITHER of you two getting hurt," Nodoka
said, announcing her presence to the world from a nearby doorway.
"I'll handle this."
With that, she walked across the room, with the Stomp of the
Determined Mother carrying her along. Reaching out an arm, she
plucked her katana from its usual resting place on a wall sword
rack and unsheathed it. This was not a mere katana. It was a
KATANA. Long, metal, and very, very good at cutting things.
"I'm helping," Akane announced, setting the table down in
favor of a nearby wooden mallet which had appeared out of nowhere
and unfortunately nobody noticed this fact.
"Me too!" Kaneda offered.
Akane glanced the boy over. "But you're unarmed."
"Easily fixed," he grinned, leaning into the kitchen for a
moment to pluck a four foot long metal spork off the utensil
rack. The little spiky bits in front gleamed in the light,
reflecting off the curved bowl of the spoon part. If it wasn't
for the unusual size of it, the spork would make a good cafeteria
tool.
"What's that thing?" Akane asked.
"Fighting spork," Kaneda said, gripping it in a manner
similar to his mother's sword grip. "I paid 20000 yen for it. They
make them in Switzerland. Never thought I'd get a chance to
try it out. Alright... let's go."

*

Ranma finished buttoning up his shirt when the four metal
prongs punctured the door, ripping it from its hinges.
With a twist of the waist, Kaneda flung the skewered wooden
door off to the side, letting it fling off the spork and land
somewhere near the sink. He charged in, right past Ranma,
looking for whatever hentai loon had snuck in. Nodoka and Akane
hopped in and took flanking positions on either side of the door.
"What'd he look like, Akane?" Nodoka asked.
"He was kinda skinny, had really big eyes and brown hair. And
he was drooling," Akane said, fingers gripping her mallet.
"Hey, Ranma, you see anybody matching that description up
here?" Kaneda asked.
"Err... no, why?" Ranma asked, trying not to look anybody in
the eye.
"He groped Akane," Kaneda said. "We're going to beat him
into a shapeless mass. Maybe he slipped out the window..."
"Drat!" Akane yelled, bashing a nearby roll of toilet paper
flat. (And not one of those wimpy 400 sheeters, it was a mammoth
1000 sheet roll.) "We almost had him... I should have finished
him off when I had the chance."
Nodoka lowered her sword, examining Ranma's face. "Ranma-
kun, what happened?"
"Huh?" Ranma asked, turning away.
"Your face is covered in bruises!"
"Oh, this?" Ranma laughed. "Ha ha... I slipped on a bar of
soap and fell. I'm such a klutz."
Akane's knuckles whitened on the hammer handle. "So I take
it the floor slapped you and made that handprint on your right
cheek?"
"Huh? Umm..." Ranma trailed off, unable to think of a good
excuse. Akane marched right up to him and put her hand up
against the mark, making Ranma wince in pain; it was an exact
match.
"YOU were that pervert?!" Akane screamed. "And here you
were saying you're not some hentai freak? I should have known
better! BOYS! You're all the same!"
"Wait, Akane, I--" Ranma said before Akane whammed him on
the head with a mallet. Ranma stumbled around a bit, eyes
looking in opposite directions, and collapsed.
"That was a bit unnecessary, Akane," Nodoka said, tapping
her foot on the tile.
"Eh? Oh. Sorry, auntie," Akane said, lowering the mallet
sheepishly. "But... but he deserved it!"
"Didn't you say the peeping tom had brown hair?" Kaneda
asked, bending down to examine Ranma's ponytail. "Ranma's got
black hair. Yow, look at the size of that bump..."
"Well... it happened so fast... maybe I really saw black
hair," Akane shrugged.
"Still, we had better get Ranma downstairs," Nodoka said.
"Kaneda, grab a spare cot and pillow. Akane, get a wet
washcloth. It's bad for someone with a head injury to lie on
hard tile like that."

*

Nodoka's sword was back on the wall, as was Kaneda's
ridiculous weapon. Akane's mallet went... somewhere.
"I don't get it," Kaneda said, adding more ice to the bag on
Ranma's head. The boy was still out cold. "Akane's assailant
didn't look like Ranma, but Ranma claimed nobody matching that
description was in there. So where was Ranma?"
"It's GOT to be him," Akane said, pointing. "No way it
couldn't have. I am NOT going to marry that jerk."
"Something is missing from the story," Nodoka said. "I
mean... well, Ranma seemed perfectly social and normal earlier. I
was worried he might turn into a hentai, actually..."
"Why's that?" Kaneda asked.
"See, my husband's sensei is... was something of a dirty old
man," Nodoka explained. "Actually, more like the embodiment of
six dirty old men. I was always worried that somewhere out
there, he was turning my child into a deviant, mixing his own
immoral teachings into my son's training instead of socially
acceptable norms. So before the kids left, I asked Kasumi to
make sure that Happousai never turned my Ranma into a hentai. I
figured it worked after seeing him today, quite a normal, healthy
boy..."
"With unhealthily healthy urges," Akane grumbled.
"What went wrong?" Nodoka wondered aloud.
"Shouldn't Ranma be breathing?" Kaneda asked.
"Maybe Kasumi couldn't stop him," Akane wondered. "The man
DID sound powerful, from what I've been hearing..."
"Possibly, yes," Nodoka nodded. "It was wrong of me to ask
such a little girl of such a large favor."
"I'm not really going to have to marry that freak, am I?"
Akane asked.
"Akane-chan, my son is NOT a freak," Nodoka noted.
"Sorry," Akane apologized. "But... still, it's not serious,
is it? The marry-him-or-else thing?"
"You are honor bound, Akane," Nodoka warned. "Even if it
was under one of the most ludicrous promises I've heard yet... it
is a promise."
"But..."
"Guys, I REALLY think Ranma should be breathing," Kaneda
stated.
"Do you really hate my son that much, Akane? You barely
know him."
"Umm... but if that was him, and he is like that... I don't
want to spend the rest of my days with a maniac," Akane said.
"Then I'd suggest you wait and hear the full story."
"GUYS!" Kaneda waved frantically.
"Hai, auntie. I'll wait."
"Good."
"HELLO! Yoo hoo!" Kaneda shouted.
"What?" Nodoka asked, looking up.
"Ranma's not breathing," Kaneda repeated.
Akane slammed a fist against Ranma's chest. Ranma jolted
slightly, eyes snapping open like a firecracker, and resumed
normal oxygen exchanges.
"Ghghrhhghll?" Ranma asked.
"Wake up, you," Akane glared.
"What... oh," Ranma said, memory of his last memory hitting
him as hard as it originally had. "Umm."
"Explain," Akane demanded.
"Well, it's a rather long story... well, no, it's a short
story, but I really wish it was long because I don't like to tell
people because it's not a GOOD story so it's short but it's not
long and--"
"Son, you're babbling," Nodoka noted.
"I am, yeah," Ranma nodded, propping himself up by the
elbows. He turned to Kaneda. "Hey, weren't YOU supposed to be
watching the door, BRO?"
"I, umm, got distracted," Kaneda said sheepishly.
"Ranma-kun, did you really grope Akane?" Nodoka asked.
"NO!" Ranma defended. "I mean, no, I'd never do that,
especially considering what a violent person she is--"
"VIOLENT?!?!!" Akane yelled, rebutting the point.
"Then who did?" Nodoka asked.
"Ataru did it!!" Ranma said. "He did it, not me! I swear,
it wasn't my fault, I can't DO anything about it, alright? I'm
not him, no matter what it may look like!"
As the conversation teetered over the edge and fell directly
into the Twilight Zone, most sentences stopped before being said.
Instead, facial expressions must be used; Akane's look of anger
and confusion... Nodoka's look of calm resolution and confusion..
Kaneda's look of just confusion... and Ranma's look of total
embarrassment.
And, of course, Kasumi's sleepy yet alert look as she
wandered downstairs, keeping a blanket wrapped around herself.
"What's all the fuss down here about?" she asked, rubbing
her eyes.
"Kasumi, could you explain to them what happened when the
old freak dragged us to China?" Ranma asked, pointing to the
group (but mostly to Akane). "I don't want ANOTHER person
thinking I'm a pervert!"
Kasumi sighed, and turned to Akane. "I take it you met
Ataru."
"Who?" Akane asked.
"Well, it's like this..."

*

Picture a foggy day in China. The fog in particular is
clustered around a large group of natural springs, each with a
sign pole sticking out of them. These are not normal pools; they
are the springs of Jusenkyo, where each pool has a curse that
will change you into another form when doused in cold water.
Fortunately, each pool is clearly labelled, and warning
signs are posted in at least thirty different languages, telling
EXACTLY what the effects are of landing in a pool of water. They're
even color coded; the majority in blue, which were simple
body change pools. Some in yellow, being pools that add to your
body, or compound curses (such as Drowned Yeti Riding Crane
Holding Snake). Plus, there are the few red ones, the Occupation
And/Or Archetype Pools, such as Drowned Buddhist Monk or Drowned
Virtuous Man. Clearly, Jusenkyo is a dangerous place, and any
idiot could see that from the sheer number of warnings pasted on
it.
Today, the signs are absent.
The Jusenkyo guide tossed a sign reading 'Spring of Drowned
Lawyer' in chinese onto his fire, huddling around it for warmth.
"Very bad winter, this is," he said aloud. (You tend to
talk to yourself when kept isolated in the mountains for several
decades.) "Almost out of wood for fire! What I do if run out?
Maybe poles work as good as signs..."
"HELLO!!!" a whiny, nasal voice called, rapping on his hut
door sharply. "We're here to train! Up and attem!"
The Guide panicked, hearing a voice other than his own for
the first time in months, and tore the door open. Before him
were two teenagers, and some... thing. Possibly human. It was
smoking a pipe.
"Which way to the training grounds?" Happousai asked,
puffing. "I've got two slacker students here to beat some sense
into!"
"Slackers?" Ranma asked, perking an eyebrow. "You call
twenty four hour a day fasting and training slacking?"
"Ah! Sirs, you in luck. Training ground reopen today
after, ah, renovation," the Guide grinned. "This way, sirs."
"I don't see why we had to come all the way to China," Ranma
said, picking his way across the mountain landscape, led by the
Guide. "I was just getting used to living in a city. Tokyo's
rather nice."
"So is going to school," Kasumi nodded. "There's so much I
have still to learn that you can't learn on the road."
"Bah! Education in anything other than martial arts is
highly overrated," Happousai spat. "Now, THIS is education.
Danger, strategy, the smell of sweat in the morning air and the
smack of fist on fist... My boy, today I will pass onto you my
ultimate technique."
"What, that grenade thing?"
"Not that, m'boy, but the technique I have yet to
successfully impart to my students... the one which will mark you
as the TRUE heir to my Anything Goes Martial Arts," Happousai
grinned. "I call it... THE GLOMP OF DEATH."
Pause.
"What a stupid name," Ranma commented, earning a whack to
the back of the head with Happy's pipe.
"It's your refusal to heed my advice that gets you into
trouble, m'boy. Why are you so hesitant to learn my techniques?"
"Because most of them involve theft of underwear, groping of
women, theft, cheating, jaywalking, arson, or are generally
tasteless, that's why. I won't let you turn me into a hentai
like you." Ranma said.
For a change, the master didn't immediately thrash Ranma for
his blasphemies. In fact, he smiled.
That's when Kasumi first knew something was wrong. She had
done her best to keep Happousai's teachings from screwing up
Ranma's ability to interact with normal humans, on a promise to
his mother... a promise she had kept to this very day. Not an
easy promise to keep; she'd had to re-teach Ranma in gender roles
and social norms back when he was little, often confusing the
poor boy to the point of tears. But it had worked. Ranma now
had a very good sense of right and wrong, deviance and normality.
But that smile, that was the smile of Happousai planning
something, like the time he cleaned out an All You Can Eat
Okonomiyaki Shop and left THEM to wash dishes. Kasumi
instinctively heightened her senses and reflexes, waiting to see
what the senior citizen had in mind.
"Lovely weather, ne?" Kasumi noted, trying to change the
subject.
"Oh, certainly! China is lovely in winter," Happousai
nodded. "All those mountains, peaks capped in white, standing
out in pairs... ah, I love mountain climbing. In factURRRKK"
"I've never been much for climbing," Kasumi stated, her fist
neatly intercepting Happousai before he could clamp himself to
her breasts. The master slid off her knuckles slowly.
"So what's this Glomp of Death whatsit, anyway?" Ranma
asked.
"Here sirs, we gone to land of cursed spring -- Jusenkyo!"
the Guide pointed, with a flourish. Kasumi perked an eyebrow at
the CURSED part, but returned her attention to Ranma and
Happousai.
"It's a technique. An ULTIMATE technique. A blow of death,
if you will, only obtainable by true masters of my art... I
myself have only managed to do it thrice," Happousai recanted.
"However, I have figured out the way for you to be able to do
it... do it perhaps even better than I! And thus I proudly teach
you this technique."
"Yeah, whatever," Ranma said. "What do I do first?"
But by then, he was already airborne, flying through the air
via Happy's pipe, headed straight for a pool that Happy had
picked out himself...

*

"Hentainiichuan," Ranma said.
"Hentwhat?"
"Hentainiichuan. Spring of Drowned Pervert. And now,
whenever you hit me with cold water, I turn into... into someone
else," Ranma grumbled, looking away from Akane.
Kasumi nodded. "If I had known about what sensei was
planning, I would have stopped him... I am sorry, Mrs. Saotome. I
failed in keeping my promise to you not to let him turn Ranma
into a deviant..."
Nodoka patted Kasumi's shoulder. "It's alright, Kasumi-
chan. You didn't know. There's nothing you could have done."
Akane was considerably less sympathetic. Blind Rage would
probably be a better term for it. "YOU! So it WAS you who
jumped out of the tub and grabbed me..."
"No, it wasn't!" Ranma said, anger in his voice. "Look,
this wasn't a normal Jusenkyo pool. Usually you just turn into
dogs and bears and chickens and things, but this was rare one, a
personality pool. When you hit me with cold water, not only do I
look like someone else, but my MIND changes, alright? I'm not me
anymore, I'm some guy we've been calling Ataru so no women come
looking for Ranma to get their panties back--"
"You steal underwear?" Akane asked, horrified.
"Not me! That's my point! I'm Jekyll and Hyde now. I
didn't grope you, HE did."
"Bah! What a cop out. You're just trying to cover up your
own weirdness with some ridiculous story," Akane accused.
"Yeesh, I tell you the truth and you say I'm an out and out
liar? Jeez, you're such a thickheaded tomboy!"
That's when Akane hit him with the table.
"You didn't have to do that, Akane," Nodoka said.
"He called me a... a TOMBOY!" Akane protested, letting go of
the table edge. Ranma offered no protest beyond the wheezes of a
man knocked unconscious. "The nerve of it. And I am NOT
thickheaded or violent."
"Well, you did whack him one earlier," Kaneda noted, but
quickly shut up when Akane cast him her best 'Do Not Mess With
Me' glare.
"Anyway, Ranma-kun has had a very hard time since," Kasumi
explained. "Whenever it rains, for example, his alter ego comes
out and runs amok... stealing underwear, peeking under skirts,
swiping dirty manga from stores, and generally causing a lot of
chaos. Fortunately, hot water turns him back to normal, but it
doesn't wash the pain away."
"Wow. That's very deep and poetic," Kaneda noted.
"He's the one who said it," Kasumi said, pointing to... the
table. "Although I think he was referring to the pain of being
beaten up by angry women more. There's no known cure for this,
although I think when we mashed sensei into a pulp and sent him
to Brazil in a handbag, it perked Ranma up a little."
"See, Akane-chan, it's not his fault for what he did,"
Nodoka reiterated. "You shouldn't hold it against him."
"Well... he... he STILL called me a tomboy," Akane reminded.
"And that was when he was 'himself'. Plus, I don't know if I buy
this 'not in control of myself' thing. It sounds too easy. Maybe
he's just faking that so he can do whatever he wants when
he changes bodies."
"I don't think so--" Kasumi started.
"Freak by choice or not, he's a freak, and I'm not gonna
marry him," Akane said, determined. "He's everything I hate
about boys. Call the wedding off. I don't know why I even
considered taking it seriously in the first place!"
Before anybody could object, Akane got to her feet and
stomped off to her room, causing a few floorboards to warp from
the impact tremors.
"Is she always like this?" Kasumi asked.
"Lately, yeah," Kaneda said. "I mean, at least around boys.
She's had some problems at school with them."
"But you're a boy, Kaneda."
"Ah, well, I guess it's different," Kaneda said, then
quickly changed the subject. "I think we'd better get the table
off my bro, you think?"

*

Nabiki yawned. "I oughtta be charging extra, considering
the hour. I need my sleep for that economics test tomorrow,
Akane."
"If I HAD any extra money, maybe you could charge for it. For
now, 500 yen will have to do. So is there an entry or not?"
Nabiki slapped the EJECT button on her CD-ROM. "This is an
older CD of Compton's. See the label? 1992. I don't think
it'll be on this. What's it called again? Jusenkyo? How do I
spell that?"
"Look under myths," Akane suggested.
"Myths. Alright," Nabiki shrugged, pushing the drive closed
again and loading the program. "Myths. What kind? Greek,
Egyptian, Japanese, Chinese, or Suburban?"
"Suburban myths?"
"You know, like the hook on the car door handle and the dog
that got microwaved and that whole rock candy and soda thing."
"Chinese. Definitely chinese."
"Chinese myths, okay. Starts with a J, right? Here it is.
Jusenkyo. Mostly harmless."
"Eh?"
"'Mostly harmless due to the signs recently added, Jusenkyo,
the training ground of cursed springs is believed to hold a
magical power of metamorphosis,'" Nabiki read from the screen.
"'Namely, whoever that falleth into a cursed pool shall take the
body of a creature that drowned there long ago.' Sounds like a
fun place for a vacation."
"According to those two downstairs, Ranma fell into one of
these pools," Akane said. "Hmm. So the place exists... does it
say anything about 'personality pools?'"
"Eh?" Nabiki blinked. "Lemme see. Mostly it's talking
about animals that drowned there, maybe a few people... this
isn't a very long entry. There's only so much space on one CD,
and people tend to look up wars and things more than myths. What's
it suppose to have? Personality pools?"
"Get this," Akane said, in a disbelieving tone. "Supposedly,
Ranma was out at this place, and fell into this
spring which turns him into a pervert when you hit him with cold
water. Stupid, huh?"
"Sounds accurate, according to this," Nabiki nodded, tapping
the screen. "Frankly, I've heard of weirder. Like all those
little guys which multiplied when you threw water on them."
"What, so you believe this?"
"No. But I'm not the one engaged to him," Nabiki grinned.
"And hey, if it is true, so what? Just don't throw water on him.
Problem solved."
"But... but... Nabiki, he's a hentai!"
"Not all the time, right? By the way, if you want marriage
counselling like this, that'll be another 500 yen."
"I'm broke, Nabiki."
Nabiki hrmmed. "It's no fun when you're broke. We can't do
anything sisterly."
"Whatever happened to family loyalty?"
"I sold it. Now, if you don't mind me asking, how're you
planning on dealing with this?"
"Aha! Give me five hundred yen first or I won't say," Akane
grinned, chuckling over her one-up on her sister.
Nabiki grinned right back and passed Akane's five hundred
yen over to her, shooting down the younger sibling's momentary
victory.
"Oh," Akane ohed. "Umm... actually, I'm not sure. I mean,
no, I'm not gonna MARRY that guy... but if what he's saying is
true... can I still hold what he did against him?"
"That'll be five hundred yen for further consulting," Nabiki
said, taking the bill back. "And the answer is no. Have a nice
day. I need to sleep."
"What, that's it? Just no?"
"If he really is a split personality, then no, you can't
blame him for what he is," Nabiki said, wandering back to her
bed. "How you deal with THAT is up to you. Good night. Go
watch some Oprah if you need more advice."

*

Kaneda skipped a stone across the Tendo pond, getting in two
skips before it ran out of water to skim across.
"I think the table was a bit much," Ranma said, trying to
ignore the throbbing bulge on the top of his head. He pitched a
stone as well, getting in four quick hops before it joined the
small pile forming on the other side of the yard.
"Hey, bro, you DID call her a tomboy," Kaneda noted. "Not
exactly the wisest of moves, you know?"
"She started it!"
"Actually, you did, in the bathroom."
"That WASN'T ME!!" Ranma yelled, getting about two
centimeters away from Kaneda's face.
"Whoa, whoa, back off, I know it wasn't you," Kaneda said,
backing off himself. "Sorry. It was just an accident, man, they
happen. I'm sure it'll fade away and be a silly memory by
morning."
"Weren't you supposed to be guarding the door so such an
accident WOULDN'T happen?"
"Um."
Ranma sighed. "No, forget that. It would have happened
eventually, I can't peg it all on you. I just wish I could have
had a chance to explain it before anybody found out."
"When were you planning on letting us know about the, ah,
third Saotome brother?"
"Um."
"Thought so. Oh well. So how much control do you have over
this other guy? Ataru, right?"
"That's what we're calling him. He seems to like the name. I
can't control him at all... I can remember what he did after I
change back, but when he's in control, it's like I'm asleep."
"That's why you wanted me to guard the door and keep him in,
right?"
"Right. Man, why couldn't I have just fallen into a NORMAL
Jusenkyo pool? Being a dog or a bear or a chicken or whatever
would be preferable."
"Bet you wouldn't like it if you fell into a spring that
turns you into a girl," Kaneda smirked.
"That'd be easier to deal with, on the whole," Ranma
grumped. "Argh. Now I need to live under the same roof as that
crazy girl. I wonder how many times she's gonna be hitting me
with that table."
"She's not that bad, really. She's just been having some
trouble at school recently with the Y chromosome."
Long pause, as both brothers thought of what to say next.
Ranma got in a six skipper which arced around the pond nicely.
"Bro, I've got an idea," Kaneda said, sinking a stone to the
bottom of the pool in a lame skip attempt. "You're home now, and
you're going to have to live with Akane--"
"I'm not gonna marry her."
"I didn't say that. Ranma, when two people don't get along,
but are forced to be together, they can either do two things;
separate, or learn to live with each other. Now, Akane isn't
leaving anytime soon, and neither are you, so the only way you
can go is to make up with her. Wouldn't you at least like to not
hate her, not have her hate you, and not get into fights all the
time?"
"It would be novel, yes," Ranma said. "I don't want to have
yet another girl hate me for having this curse. Gets to be
repetitive."
"Alright, follow me," Kaneda said, getting to his feet.
"Eh?"
"We're gonna go talk to her. But trust me on this; I've
known Akane longer than you. Do EVERYTHING I tell you to and all
will be cool. Got it?"

*

"Knock," Kaneda ordered. Ranma gave him an odd look, then
rapped quickly on Akane's door.
"Who is it?" a muffled voice from inside asked.
"It's Ranma."
"Beat it," she cheerfully offered.
"Well, that was helpful," Ranma shrugged. "So where's my
room?"
Kaneda ignored Ranma and knocked again. "Akane, it's
Kaneda. Come on, let's talk this mess over before it festers too
long, 'kay?"
"Kaneda-kun, I'm tired. Please, go away."
"Ranma's said he's sorry."
"I did?" Ranma whispered.
"Well, you will," Kaneda whispered back. "Follow my lead.
Akane? Please, can we stop in for a minute?"
Akane opened the door, checking Ranma over with an
appraising eye. "Is he Ataru or Ranma at the moment?"
"I'm RANMA," Ranma grumbled.
"Alright. You have ONE minute," Akane agreed, opening the
door. The boys entered.
"What we have here is a failure to communicate," Kaneda
said, starting off the conversation. "Or rather, a failure to
listen. Now, we've heard about Ranma's condition, which explains
what he did in the bathroom, right?"
"R..Right," Akane nodded, remembering Nabiki's encyclopedia.
"Now, let's assume the whole story is true for the moment
until we get evidence to the contrary," Kaneda suggested. "So,
you have no reason to be mad at Ranma for his actions as Ataru."
"Hey, he also called me a violent tomboy. And that's when
he wasn't in hentai mode," Akane scoffed.
"Now just wait a mi--"
"For which he's sorry," Kaneda said, cutting his brother off
sharply.
"Am not," Ranma rebuked. "SHE'S the one who still thinks
I'm a pervert."
"Ah, but you see, now that she can't legally claim that due
to innocence-by-reasons-of-insanity, that claim is null and void,
and she can retract the statement and the attacks, therefore
giving you no just cause for your counter-verbal-attack!" Kaneda
exclaimed, with a flourishing arm gesture.
Akane and Ranma blinked simultaneously.
"Umm... I mean, you're not one, so if you both take it back
we'll all be happier. How's that?"
"Huh?" Akane asked.
Kaneda groaned. "Okay. Let's do this play by play. Ranma
is not REALLY a pervert. Okay, he's one half pervert--"
"HEY!"
"--but you can't hold it against him because of the
personality split. Therefore, Akane, you have no right to go and
accuse my bro of doing stuff like that."
"But... but..." Akane started. "Well... no. But--"
"--so if Akane takes back what she said and apologizes for
hitting you, then Ranma can take back what he said about her
being violent and EVERYBODY can be happy and nice and calm. How's
THAT?"
"Me? Apologize for hitting that jerk?" Akane laughed.
"You're kidding me, bro. Like I could apologize to her
after what she did--"
Kaneda hung his head. "Now it's getting sad. You two are
that adamant about sneering at each other, huh? Bro, I thought
you said you didn't WANT to be hated."
"No, of course not, but--"
"Then why the hell are you acting so pompous?"
"Could you NOT interrupt me for a change, Kaneda?" Ranma
asked.
"Ah, forget it," Kaneda said. "Rot together for all I care.
If you're really interested in never getting along, I'm not gonna
be dragged into your eternal argument. Goodbye."
With that, Kaneda stomped out, and closed the door. The two
in the room stared at the closed door, shocked lightly at 200
volts.
"Umm," Ranma stated.
"You told him you didn't want to be hated?" Akane asked.
"Well, duh. Nobody likes that," Ranma said, with less spite
in his voice than before. "I mean, really. It's bad enough that
I have this curse, but it keeps alienating people before I even
get to know them..."
"Maybe... maybe I was a bit too quick to judge," Akane said.
"MAYBE. I mean, I haven't really seen you normal for very long.
Really."
Ranma sighed. "I've gotten worse. Much worse. Here, take
a look at this..." He rolled up his sleeve, revealing a large
bruise on his upper arm. "Got that yesterday. It was raining,
and Ataru latched onto someone in the business district and asked
her to father his children. She hit me repeatedly in the arm to
get him to go away."
"You call that a bruise? Take a look at this," Akane said,
pulling up a pajama leg to reveal a larger one on her leg. "Fight
yesterday morning at school. I was ducking to avoid a
blow and slammed my leg on the pavement. Hard concrete."
"Bah. Back of the neck, multiple scars. Rake. A week ago,
a crowd of angry women was chasing Ataru after he stole their
underwear. They caught him and pummelled him... getting me too,
obviously. Most of the other injuries faded, but the rake left a
lasting impression."
Akane winced. "That bad, huh?"
"Yeah. Makes getting hit by a large table almost seem
pleasant in return. Almost."
Akane paused. "Maybe the table was too much."
"You could say that."
"Would it help if, umm, I said I shouldn't have hit you with
it and I was sorry?"
"I'd appreciate it," Ranma said.
"Alright. I really shouldn't have smashed you with the
dining room table. Sorry."
"I guess calling you a tomboy was going too far too," Ranma
said. "I'm... sorry 'bout that too. Argh. I wish you hadn't
found out before I could properly explain the curse..."
"I know now, at least. We'd better get to bed. Hopefully
tomorrow won't be as, er, painful."
"Agreed," Ranma said. "So, no hard feelings? Or, at least,
less? We're still not getting married, of course."
"Oh, of course not. To think that dad would have the
audacity to engage me off before I could even crawl!"
"Ditto. Hmph. Well, don't worry, I doubt we're gonna give
them the satisfaction of seeing THAT lame plan go into action."
"Agreed. For now, though, you'd better get to bed, we have
school tomorrow."
"Yeah. 'night," Ranma waved.

*

"I TOLD you that would work," Kaneda said, pulling the
stethoscope away from Nabiki's wall. "A little guilt does
wonders. Now pay up."
"At least you're better at manipulation than cooking,"
Nabiki nodded, passing 500 yen to Kaneda.
"I'll ignore that crack about my food this time. I'm just
glad I averted certain disaster. Those two would've been at each
other's throats day in day out if it wasn't for me."
"It's just one night, Kaneda. Akane has mood swings that
rival most carnival rides. You never know."
"Oh, come on, Nabiki. Problem solved. After that, what
could possibly go wrong?"
Thunder ripped through the atmosphere like a garden weasel,
stabbing forks of lightning down from the heavens, illuminating
Nabiki's room with a brief flash of the fires of god.
"I hate omens," Kaneda grumbled.

%

It was still raining when the house awoke the next morning. It
was a light, cheery drizzle, not a torrential downpour. Perhaps it
could be called refreshing. It was also the first day
of school for Ranma and Kasumi at Furinkan High.
"I'm glad they're letting me into Ranma's grade," Kasumi
said, delicately eating Akane's breakfast. "With all that road
travel, I was worried they wouldn't let me into high school at
all. I'm getting old."
"Oneechan, you're not THAT old," Akane called from the
kitchen. "Honestly. Has anybody seen Ranma?"
"I think he's still asleep," Kaneda said, between bites. "Want
me to get him up?"
"Sure. I'll make our lunches," Akane said.
"Hey, I can make lunch for us if you want to wake him."
"All those in favor of letting Akane make lunch?" Nabiki
asked. Many hands were raised.
Kaneda grumbled, and headed upstairs.

*

Kaneda nudged Ranma's form with his toe. "Yo, bro, get up.
School. We need to cram some books into your head."
"Go away. I'm sick," Ranma said, pulling the covers over
his head.
"Sick?"
"Yeah. Totally ill. Go on without me, I'll be okay."
Kaneda rolled Ranma over, and put his palm over Ranma's
forehead. "No temperature. No sweats. You're not green. Get
up and get your butt to class, man."
Ranma groaned. "You really wanna know why I can't go to
school today?"
"I'll bite, why?"
"That," Ranma said, pointing a thumb to the window behind
him, which the rain was cascading down. "Lots and lots of water.
I'd rather not have Ataru show up for my first day of school. Call
it a whim."
"Oh, is that all? I'll loan you my umbrella."
"Umbrellas can be knocked away, Kaneda."
"Alright, then I'll use the umbrella, and you can have my
raincoat and hat."
"I can get splashed enough to change forms, even in a
raincoat. Or if I bend over and water runs down the back..."
"You can't exactly lounge around every day it rains, Ranma.
School doesn't work that way. Come on, get up and face the
peril."
"No, it's too perilous," Ranma complained, trying to hide
under his covers.
"Sheesh, not man enough to face a little rain?"
"What did you say?" Ranma asked, pulling down the covers.
"Well, I can understand if you're not up for the challenge,
it's perfectly normal to wuss out, given the circumstances..."
Kaneda said, trying a little of the reverse psychology that aided
him so well the previous evening.
"Hey, I'm not the one who wears a frilly apron," Ranma
laughed.
"A man can wear an apron," Kaneda said, trying to remain
calm. "It's been done before. At least I'm not afraid of the
big bad rain cloud."
"At least I don't have an EasyBake Oven."
"Hey, I'll have you know I made some really great stuff with
that oven back when I was a kid, mister water soluble!"
"Dough boy!"
"Hydrophobe!"
Both boys paused, trying to figure out which combatant the
lyrics to 'MacArthur Park' would tick off more. They decided not
to bother and just came to blows instead.

*

CRASH.
"Oh my, was that a crash?" Kasumi asked, sipping her tea.
"Sounded like furniture." WHAM! "More furniture." CRUNCH.
"Wood... no, bone..."
"What is going ON up there?" Akane asked, marching out of
the kitchen, still carrying a stirring spoon.
"Sounds like my boys are getting to know each other! Ha ha
ha! Pass the salt," Genma said.
"We don't have time for this, school is in ten minutes,"
Akane grumbled, grabbing the assortment of bentos and setting
them on the dining room table. Kasumi and Nabiki each selected
one as Akane stomped upstairs and threw open the door to Ranma's
room.
Kaneda fell back to a defensive posture, avoiding a spinning
kick aimed at his head. Ranma did the same, as the two brothers
sized each other up.
"Didn't think a cook would bother with martial arts," Ranma
said.
"I'm a Saotome. It comes naturally," Kaneda said. "Shut up
and fight!"
"Will BOTH of you cut it out?" Akane demanded, shaking her
spoon in rage. "We've gotta get moving or we'll be late for
school."
"Ranma's sick, apparently," Kaneda said.
"He seems fine to me, now come on," Akane said, grabbing
Ranma's pigtail and dragging him along.
"Whoa, Akane, wait..." Ranma trailed off, pulled along
helplessly. Kaneda darted after them, fight seeming less
important than the immediate problem.
"Akane, hold up, stop!" he called. "We gotta get our--"
"I have your lunches already, now come on, we can't be late
for your first day!" Akane said. With that, Akane and Ranma were
out the door and on the way to school.
Without raincoats.
Kaneda fetched his umbrella and raced to catch up to the
pair, but by then it was too late. Now Akane as dragging a
brown-haired boy by his collar, eyes locked firmly on the road
ahead of them.
"Akane, slow down already!" Kaneda said, stupidly holding
the umbrella over Ataru, sort of like saying 'duck!' after they
fire the rocket launcher. "We've got a problem."
"What problGYAAAH!!" Akane yelped, as Ataru peeked under her
skirt.
"Pink polka dots. They clash," he said, in a whiny voice
entirely unlike Ranma's. He pulled his head back up. "Ah, feels
great to be in the rain. Kaneda, why does it look like Akane's
about to smack me?"
"Probably because she's about to smack you." SMACK. "See?"
"I see," Ataru nodded, rubbing his cheek. "Sheesh, just
having a spot of fun, no need to get all uptight about it. So,
lead on to school! The noble profession of the student learner. Is
it co-ed? Or better yet, all-girls? I could cross dress and
sneak in! It'll be fun!"
"I had forgotten about this," Akane grumbled. "Well, not
much we can do about it now. Come on, let's get moving."
"Lead the way, O flower of the desert," Ataru bowed, using
the opportunity to sneak a peek under Akane's skirt again. "Well,
MAYBE pink works..."
"We can't let him stay like this," Kaneda sighed. "Akane,
you go ahead to school, I'll go get him some hot water..."
"Don't you have an economics test today?" Akane asked, after
clubbing Ataru with her schoolbag.
"No, that's Nabiki."
"Yeah, but you're in her class."
Kaneda paused, mouth open. "I had forgotten about that. Umm.
Can you get water? I'vegottarunnowbye." With that, he
broke into a flat out run, kicking up a small two inch tidal wave
in the street-long puddle as he went.
"Just you'n me, cutie!" Ataru beamed.
"None of that. If you touch me, I can hurt you in ways you
can't even comprehend," Akane warned. "Now let's go get you some
hot water."
"Waaah! I don't wanna turn back into that wimp Ranma!"
Ataru whined. "He's such a twit, and too depressing to boot. I
just wanna have fun! Come on, let's cut school and go party. It's
a nice day!"
"It's raining."
"My point exactly. Your bra strap is showing. No, don't
put it back, I like it."
Akane groaned. That's Ranma, she thought. I will NOT hurt
Ranma. I will NOT hurt Ranma.
Unless he makes me.
"How about this. Follow me, I know a GREAT place to cut
class," Akane lied blatantly.
"Cool!" the mindless Ataru exclaimed. "Lead on, cutie."

*

"Ah, good, he's in," Akane noted. "Come on in, Ataru. Sorry
about the eye."
"Waaah, no you're not," Ataru grumbled, rubbing his black
eye.
Actually, no, I'm not, you lecherous little spaz, Akane
thought to herself. You deserve it for pinching my rear when I
dropped my books. Hmph.
"Doctor Tofu!" Akane called. "Patient!"
"A doctor? Hey, does he have a nurse?" Ataru smiled.
Akane grinned evilly. "Oh yes, one named Betty-chan."
"Betty! Ah, a name that inspires a thousand ships to set
sail and men to march to war in her name. Quick, where is she?"
"Right behind you."
"He-LOO, Nurse!" Ataru cheered, turning around to face the
grim spectre of death staring at him with empty sockets for eyes.
It grinned in the way skeletons are great at doing.
"HELLOOOOOO!!!" Betty called, in a falsetto-Tofu voice. Ataru
screamed, scampering backwards into the door, which swung
away for him to hit the floor.
Doctor Tofu laughed, setting the skeleton aside. "Sorry to
scare you. This is Betty-chan, my skeleton. What can I do for
you?"
"We need some hot water and something for his eye," Akane
said. Doctor Tofu nodded, and went back into the clinic to fetch
them.
"Whoa, hot water? Ewwww! I hate hot water!" Ataru yelped,
in mock fear.
"We can't have YOU show up in Ranma's place for school,
Ataru," Akane said.
"Awww, why not? Ranma never lets me play. It's really sad.
Allow me a moment to ponder the injustice of it all, nustled
between your--"
Akane's foot met Ataru's face, his hands inches away from
her body.
"I've got that hot water," Doctor Tofu said, leaning in from
the doorway.
Akane grabbed the water, and doused Ataru before he could
object (or recover from the kick). Ataru's hair shifted color
and his body got more muscular, soon replaced by Ranma, who
sulked on the floor.
"I hate it when that happens," Ranma grumbled. "If you'd
have let me grab some rain gear before we left, maybe I wouldn't
have..." He took a quick inventory, with a nearby mirror. "A
black eye and a bumped nose and a slap mark on my face."
"Is there something going on here I should know about?
Akane-chan, who is this boy?" Tofu asked, pointing a tongue
depressor at Ranma.
Akane sighed. "Well, we're officially late already. Nothing
can fix that. Might as well spend some time and explain
while he bandages you up."

*

"Jusenkyo, hmm?" Tofu asked, scratching his chin. "I've
heard of it. As a legend, of course. Amazing that such a place
really exists."
"It exists," Ranma nodded, various bandages bobbing on his
head in reply as well. "You're a doctor... is there any cure for
this?"
"Possibly. If you were to go back to China and find
something similar to a 'Spring of Drowned Saint', it might
work... or it could make you a priest. Hmm. This is trickier
than a so-called 'normal' curse, you see, since it's not just a
matter of changing your body..."
"But is there a cure?" Akane asked.
"I'll look into it, Akane-chan. For now, you two need to go
to school; you're late. I'll loan you my umbrella."
"Well, on the plus side, I won't have to deal with all those
guys once I arrive," Akane smiled.
Ranma blinked. Not only at the first smile he had seen on
Akane since he arrived, but at the sentence. "What guys?"
Akane's smile dropped like a lead potato. "Trust me. You
don't want to know."

*

The entire population of Furinkan was waiting for them when
they arrived, umbrella shielding Ranma from any rain.
"Wha?" Ranma asked. "Is this an outdoor school or
something?"
"No... in fact, this is kinda unusual," Akane said. "Why
make everybody stand out in the rain?"
"Hey! Guys!" Kaneda called, wandering over to the pair.
"Guess what? Bomb scare. They're postponing classes while the
cops search the place."
"Where's your umbrella?"
"Nabiki bought it. I made eight hundred yen at the expense
of a drizzle."
"Didn't you pay a thousand yen for it at the store?" Akane
asked.
"..." Kaneda replied.
"Looks like we struck it lucky, then!" Ranma grinned. "We're
not going to be late. This is a good thing."
"Not quite..." Akane said, looking at the crowd nervously.
"Why?" Ranma asked. "Hey, why're all those guys in sports
uniforms headed this way?"
"Oh, great. Here they come. I'll hold your bag, Akane,"
Kaneda sighed, taking her schoolbooks. "Better hop to it."
Akane nodded, growling. "Stupid BOYS..."
The Furinkan clock tower read 9:30 as the fight began.
Ranma stared in awe as Akane rushed the mob, plowing her way
through it like a Saturn-V rocket into foam rubber. Boys fell on
either side of her as she punched, kicked and bodyslammed the
crowd. The parts of the student body that were not in the fight
hooted madly and cheered Akane on while Nabiki took bets beneath
her new umbrella.
"What the--?" Ranma gaped.
"Oh, she does this every morning," Kaneda said, trying to
squeeze under Ranma's umbrella. "All because of that stupid
challenge."
"Challenge?" Ranma asked, trying to ignore the sound of
bones breaking.
"Yeah. The current head of the SGA is this repulsively
egotistical jerk called Kunou Tatewaki," Kaneda said. "Anyway,
this Kunou guy has a thing for Akane--"
"For HER?"
"Yeah, for her. But so does half the male population of
Furinkan. So, every morning they fight for the honor of dating
her..."
Ranma watched Akane trash athlete after athlete, often
taking two birds out with one blow by employing Saotome School of
Throwing People At Other People techniques. "I guess she really
doesn't want a date."
"The whole deal has sort of turned her off from our gender.
That's primarily why she reacted so negatively to you yesterday.
Ah, good, she's done."
Ranma's eyes strayed from the pile of broken bodies to the
Furinkan clock tower. It was now 9:31.
Damn, he thought, she's GOOD. For a girl.
"Honestly!" Akane exclaimed. "When will these bakas just
GIVE UP..."
Ranma noticed the blur of an incoming weapon before Akane
did. "AKANE! LOOK OUT!"
Akane snagged the rose out of the air, stopping its
movement. Thunder crackled overhead.
"Hey, who's that?" Ranma asked, pointing to the guy that was
emerging dramatically from his hiding place in the all-concealing
shadows.
"That would be Kunou," Kaneda said. "Hey, scoot over, share
the umbrella. He typically fights her last. He never wins."
"What's he saying?"
"Just some poetic junk. He's really into drama. Ah,
there's the lightning thing again, no idea how he does that..."
The school bell rang. Whoever was left standing started
filing back into the school, leaving the victims to be carted
away to the infirmary. Within moments, it was just Kaneda,
Akane, Ranma and Kunou. Ranma took Akane's bag from Kaneda and
wandered over to her side, staying under the umbrella.
"Akane, come on, we're gonna REALLY be late if we don't get
moving," Ranma said, passing the bag and grabbing her hand.
"You there!" Kunou said, in a deep bass voice. His wooden
swordpoint strayed to a place six inches from Ranma's chest.
"You're being rather familiar with Akane, are you not? Who are
you?"
"Ranma, don't bug me, I'll finish this soon," Akane hissed
under her breath.
"Me? I'm--"
"Ah, but is it not custom to give one's own name first?"
Kunou asked. "Very well, mine I shall give! I am the
undisputed--"
"Can't talk, we're late," Ranma said, leading Akane towards
the door. Kunou paused, dumbfounded, before dashing to intercept
them.
"You dare interrupt my introduction? The very level of your
rudeness amplifies the rudeness therein," Kunou warned. "Kunou
Tatewaki will not withstand such insolence from a lowly freshman.
Who are you, knave?"
"If I tell you, will you go away?"
"This is a point which remains to be seen, cur."
"I'm Saotome Ranma," Ranma said. "If you want to continue
your monologue, drop by the Tendo Dojo later today, where I'm
staying. For now, class is starting. Seeya."
Kunou's eyes widened in terror. "Under the same roof as the
noble Akane?!"
Ranma ignored the frantic hand signals from both Akane and
Kaneda to shut up and go inside, and decided to play along with
this creep's questions. "Yeah, that's right. I'm staying there
now. You gotta problem with that?"
Kaneda shrugged, and headed inside. He had a test to take,
slaughter aside. Between Kunou and Akane's punishments, he hoped
that after Ranma's first week here there'd be enough left of his
brother to pick up with a sponge.
"Kunou, ignore him, okay?" Akane requested. No, demanded.
"He's not a threat to you."
"Anyone who contemplates sharing the inner sanctuary of
Tendo Akane must be worthy of such a gift," Kunou said sternly.
"He's just staying at my house with his family. It's not
like I'm engaged to him," Akane shrugged.
"I thought you were," Ranma said, without ANY forethought
involved. Akane smacked her forehead in disgust.
That tore it. Something in Kunou's mind snapped like a
twig, and it wasn't his inner child. More than likely, it was
his temper.
"You WHAT?!" Kunou growled, letting the last word roll from
one side of his mouth to the other. "You dare pretend to be
worthy of the hand of the most noble Tendo Akane?!"
"No, man, you got it all wrong! It was my baka father's
idea to engage us--"
"So you ARE ENGAGED? INSOLENT WHELP! You hound Akane and
dare to show your face before me? Kunou Tatewaki shall bring you
to justice! Prepare yourself!!!"
With that, Kunou lunged with his bokken. Ranma sidestepped
easily, maintaining an iron hard grip on his umbrella. Now,
under normal circumstances, Ranma would have just loved to trash
this fool. However, he thought, not only was he late, but
fighting while trying to keep an umbrella over your head is
rather tricky for anybody except that guy in junior high...
whatever. He simply didn't have the time.
Kunou, however, didn't give a damn about the rain or the
time, and kept up a relentless attack. Ranma hopped around,
dodging the blows as Kunou left large gashes in the landscape...
cutting down trees that had stood for hundreds of years,
demolishing walls, slicing open a water fountain--
Ranma panicked and leapt away from the water spurt,
balancing his umbrella to block the fountain flow and the rain.
This also left him wide open for an attack... a hole which Kunou
slid into to take advantage of...
"RANMA!" Akane called. But by then it was too late; Ranma
was destined to be Saotome on a Stick(tm).
Unless, of course, a forearm were to stick itself out to
intercept Kunou's head and clock him one across the noggin. A
leg swept out to knock him off his feet as well, with a final
blow to the back of the neck while he was in midair to put him
under the weather for awhile.
"Oh my, hope I didn't hurt him too much..." Kasumi pondered
aloud, shifting seamlessly from an attack posture to a posture of
worry. "You two should go to class. I was wondering why you
hadn't come in yet."
"Thanks, oneechan!" Ranma smiled, regaining his balance. He
and Akane got inside while the gotting was good.
Kunou stirred, fighting to regain his senses. He shook his
head clear of the fuzz that had formed in it, and slowly focused
on Kasumi.
"I'm so sorry about that, but you really shouldn't be
fighting during class," Kasumi said, bending over to help Kunou
up. "It's not right."
"Who... who are you?" Kunou asked, stunned.
"Tendo Kasumi," Kasumi said, bowing. She waved goodbye and
headed back inside the building, off to class.
She?
SHE had launched those blows which had reduced the great
Kunou Tatewaki to a crumpled heap on the ground?!
She was formidable... perhaps even... MORE formidable than
Akane!
Kunou staggered into school, dazed, thoughts of Tendo Kasumi
reeling through his head...

*

"You didn't have to butt in on my fight, you know," Akane
hissed, hiking her arms up a bit as the weight of her water
bucket pulled on them. "I could've beaten him and made it to
class in time without anybody getting in the way."
"Why don't you just tell those guys you don't want to date
them and get it over with?" Ranma asked.
"Eh? Who told--"
"Kaneda."
"Oh. I TRIED saying no. The mob that attacks me every day
doesn't really care, though, not after Kunou proclaimed that
anybody who beat me could date me..."
"Why on earth do they want to date you, anyway?"
"Not a cl-- hey. Are you saying I'm ugly again?" Akane
asked.
"I didn't say that," Ranma denied. "I'm just wondering why
half the male population chose a single girl to chase."
"Don't ask me. Maybe it was Kunou's speech. Maybe I'm just
not lucky. Either way, now those IDIOT boys attack me every
morning. It's getting annoying. I *hate* boys."
"I can see why. Sheesh. That Kunou jerk must be pretty
obsessed to go THAT nuts after finding out we're engaged."
Suddenly, both sliding windows in the classroom behind them
FWIPped open, students jamming through the small openings,
shouting and yelling.
"Akane! You got engaged? That's great!"
"Ranma, you jerk! *I* want to be engaged to her!"
"So how long have you known him?"
"Is he a good kisser?"
"It's so beautiful..."
"That's my pancreas you elbowed, pal."
"This is so exciting!"
"Hey, Ranma, does this mean you're gonna die at the hands of
Kunou now? Can I take bets?"
"Where's Nabiki? I'd like to bet on that!"
"That WASN'T my elbow."
"Whoa! Wait! Stop! It's not like that!" Ranma protested,
backing off from the thundering horde of students.
Akane narrowed her eyes at Ranma. "Sheesh, you'd think
after the first time you'd learn to SHUT UP about that. What
happened to 'We're not getting married'?"
"We're NOT! Hey, you, let go of me. Don't you people have
anything better to do right now?" he shouted to the crowd.
Why can't Ranma keep his big mouth SHUT?! Akane growled in
her mind. At least Kunou's out of earshot. I hope.

*

"Tatewaki!"
"Sir!" Kunou blurted, looking up from his notes.
"I asked you a question," the teacher repeated, tapping a
ruler in his palm.
"Umm..."
"Problem?"
"No, I am merely searching the contents of my vast memorium
to formulate an answer which is--"
"Anybody else?" the teacher asked the class. Someone raised
a hand, and the teacher thankfully left.
Kunou stared down at his notes. They weren't notes, per se,
as much as the deranged scrawls of a man torn. KASUMI. AKANE.
KASUMI. AKANE. KASUMI. AKANE, repeated over and over again over
his half-hearted scribblings about the Shinto Plains.
Who was this mystery woman, whence came out of the blue to
fill his days with light? Lovely and noble Kasumi, the one with
skills beyond compare, the one he had exchanged eighteen
beautiful words with?
Of course, he was Kunou Tatewaki. Information would not be
denied to him. Given Kasumi's family name, perhaps information
was sitting one row over, even.
"Tendo Nabiki, I have a question for you," Kunou said,
leaning across the aisle.
Nabiki looked up from her tightly organized and cross
indexed notes. "Hai, Kunou-chan?"
"Why did you not tell me you had a second sister?"
"Oh, her? I take it you met Kasumi. She just showed up
yesterday. Long Lost Tendo, as it were."
A sign! Truly her arrival from parts unknown was a sign
that she was here as a gift from the gods. Blessed was Kunou!
"If I were to impart a message to you, Tendo Nabiki, would
you be so noble enough to deliver my words to your other sister?"
Kunou asked, pulling out his Ink Kit.

*

School ended, relatively uneventful after the morning
madness. The rain cleared up, and Ranma walked home safely with
his siblings and siblings de facto. (or is it de jura?)
"Alright, I promise I won't let it slip again," Ranma said,
flashing a boy scout salute. "I didn't realize it was that big a
deal."
"You'll probably realize tomorrow, when all my self
appointed suitors start going after YOU, too. GYAAAHHH!!!" Akane
screamed, smashing up another series of bricks into shrapnel.
"Bricks don't hit back, you know."
"I know. I'm just working on my strength."
"Strength isn't much use if you can't hit anything that
won't hold still."
"Hmph. I can certainly hit moving objects. I AM a martial
artist, after all."
"Alright, prove it. Smack me one," Ranma said, getting up.
"Nani?"
"Come on, let's give it a go. See if you can even touch
me," Ranma grinned.
"Easy enough," Akane shrugged, launching a fist at Ranma
head, which he easily ducked. She paused, then tried a kick,
which Ranma bent backwards to avoid.
Four eyes watched the pair go through a fight without a
single connecting blow.
"I told you things weren't that good between them," Nabiki
said. "I don't think it's possible to erase all of their fun-
filled first night. Give me back my money."
"They're just sparring, Beek. It's a perfectly normal
martial arts thing," Kaneda rationalized. "Heck, Ranma and I got
into a scuffle this morning, t'weren't nothin'."
"Don't call me 'Beek', Kaneda-chan."
"Don't call me Kaneda-chan, BEEK."
Nabiki grrrred. Kaneda grrrred. Tension mounted. Seconds
ticked by. Sweatdrops formed. Kasumi walked into the room.
"My, what's everybody staring at?" Kasumi asked, peering
towards the dojo door that Nabiki and Kaneda were intently
observing.
There is a natural body pheromone which occurs rarely in
human females, currently unnamed. This chemical, when inhaled,
tends to deliver a double dose of distraction and calming. Tendo
Kasumi tended to emit fifty parts per million of it wherever she
went.
"Oneechan! Hello!" Nabiki waved, losing her rivalry
interest for the time being. "Glad to see you. I've got a
message for you."
Nabiki pulled an arrow out of her backpack, complete with a
hand-written note attached.
"Kunou-chan wanted me to deliver this, because his bowstring
broke and he couldn't simply shoot it at the house," Nabiki
explained, passing the wooden shaft and rice paper note to
Kasumi. "Someone's got to explain the miracle of Federal Express
to that boy..."
Kasumi blinked, and pulled the note off. There, printed in
exquisite, perfectly formed lettering, read :
To the one known as Tendo Kasumi.
Meet me at the Furinkan Field at precisely 5:36 PM.
Kunou Tatewaki.
This message printed on 100% recycled paper.
"Hmm," Kasumi mused, reading the note. "Who is Kunou
Tatewaki again?"
"He's the guy you maimed today," Kaneda said.
"Oh, that boy who was harassing Ranma-kun and Akane-chan. Do
you suppose this is a letter of challenge?"
"I wouldn't doubt it. Kunou's got something of an ego,"
Nabiki said. "And that something is at least twelve miles in
diameter."
"I really just wanted him to stop hurting Ranma. I didn't
mean to pick a fight or make an enemy. Perhaps I can go talk to
him and settle this non-violently."
"So you practice martial arts too, huh sis?" Nabiki asked.
Kasumi nodded. "I didn't have much else to do on the road
trip. Plus, it helped me keep sensei from doing anything silly."
"Silly?" Kaneda asked, perking an eyebrow.
"Still, there's no need to fight this nice boy," Kasumi
said, passing the arrow back to Nabiki, who immediately examined
the weapon for any resale value. "I'm sure I can talk him out of
it."

*

Kasumi glanced around the school athletic field, then back
at her digital watch. 5:37. Hmm. Perhaps the boy was late, or
her watch was simply a minute or two off.
She really didn't like to fight. It wasn't in her nature to
WANT to convert healthy humans into little broken piles of tissue
matter on the floor. However, she had a promise to keep, and to
do that she needed martial arts.
'Kasumi-chan, please, promise me that you'll do what you can
to keep the master from touching you,' her father begged her, way
back at age six. She didn't quite understand what he meant, but
she knew he was dead serious; he was crying more than usual,
almost to the point where the floorboards were warping.
Sensei didn't do anything to her at first, but she knew that
her father wouldn't have asked her to promise him unless there
was a real need for it. So, in between keeping the campsite
clean and cooking meals, she learned martial arts.
And was DAMN good at it. Although she was incapable of
saying the D-word.
It just comes naturally for Tendos, she assumed, since she
had heard that her real father was a great martial artist. So,
she practiced alongside Ranma-kun, but only used her skills when
needed. Still, sensei made no attempt to touch her anywhere. She
was beginning to wonder why her dad insisted that she
promise, until one day, around age twelve, Happousai introduced
her to the Ceremony.
He called it a 'coming of age' thing, and it basically
involved bad music on his portable eight-track, some readings
from Dr. Seuss and then a cheap feel. Before he was within two
feet of her, however, she cleanly and swiftly ground Happousai
into the dirt and hurt him in a variety of unusual and creative
ways.
He'd try to make a move for her after that, but was never
successful. After all, Kasumi had a promise to keep. Well,
Happousai was a pervert, the poor old man, and Kasumi could live
with that as long as she made sure she never was at the receiving
end of his little habits and whimsies. Shame really, because she
knew he was a master of martial arts. Just that he also was a
total jerk. But she wouldn't say the J-word, either. At least
she learned how to deal with Happousai, whereas Ranma decided to
antagonize him day in day out after Kasumi's teachings showed how
twisted the master was. Bad for Ranma, but--
"Ahem," Kunou ahemed, clearing his throat.
Kasumi looked up, memory revival fading away quickly,
monologue chopped down with an axe. Oh dear, it was bad for a
martial artist to let down her guard! She fell back into a
defensive pose, just in case.
"What are you doing?" Kunou asked, cocking his head. The
boy was standing straight up, in no sort of attack pose. In
fact...
"Excuse me, if you don't mind me asking, where is that
wooden sword you had earlier?" Kasumi asked, keeping her pose,
but loosening up a little. "Was it stolen?"
Kunou laughed. "Heavens, no. The thief which thinks he can
steal from the great Kunou Tatewaki thinks wrongly indeed. I
have simply denied myself the company of my familiar weapon. I
have no need of it."
"Oh, I'm glad to hear that," Kasumi smiled, standing upright
again. "I was a bit worried I was getting into a fight."
"I have, however, decided to give you THIS!" Kunou shouted,
flinging an object at her.
Kasumi quickly sidestepped, and grabbed the weapon out of
midair. Rose petals filled the air.
She blinked.
She blinked again, just for good measure, and examined the
weapon, which turned out to be a bouquet of flowers, with a
cheery FTD tag still attached and a price that rivaled several
breeds of automobile.
Kunou had already started walking away, but turned around
long enough to say, "Tendo Kasumi... I love you."
Kasumi blinked three more times, from surprise and pollen.
I LOVE YOU, the words echoed for no reason whatsoever.
"Oh my," Kasumi said plainly, sinking to her knees.

*

"You're kidding me," Nabiki laughed. "He gave you THOSE?"
"Hai, Nabiki-chan," Kasumi nodded. Not one to waste good
flower arrangements, Kasumi had put the bouquet in a vase upon
returning home.
Nabiki checked the tag on the flowers. "Not bad. You could
do worse, sis. Go for it."
"But... now, honestly, Nabiki, I can't. After all, I've
only exchanged a few dozens words with him. And he's so young.
Younger men... well, they're young."
"Look at it this way. Go for it or he'll be chasing you
until the end of the time. Kunou-chan is SO persistent. Rather
cute, in a way. He's been after Akane for... hmmm. I wonder if
he's given up on Akane."
"Boy, would I love that!" Akane grinned, wandering in. "No
more fights every day. I could actually walk from the front gate
to the front door without having to kneecap anyone. Thanks for
taking him off my hands, sis."
"But Akane, I'm not going to accept his... well, I'm glad he
didn't propose, but I'm not exactly planning on going along with
this," Kasumi fumbled. "Is he that persistent? I mean,
certainly if I talked to the boy and explained with a simple no,
he'd understand, right?"
"Someone here doesn't know sempai very well," Kaneda laughed
from the kitchen.
The three sisters blinked. They hadn't even noticed him
enter there!
"Kaneda! What're you doing in there?" Nabiki called.
"Cooking, what else?" he replied loudly.
"He has to be stopped," Nabiki whispered. "Jeez, I let down
my guard for six minutes and he slips in. Akane, you run in
there and grab him, I'll barricade the door."
"Come on now, is Kaneda-kun's food that bad?" Kasumi asked.
"With a little training, anybody can be a good cook."
"Kaneda is cursed, sis. Born under a bad sign. If he ever
cooks something edible without severe gastrointestinal pain, the
world will end," Nabiki laughed.
"Nabiki! He's not THAT bad..." Akane started. Then sighed.
"Okay, he is that bad. But I have faith. He'll grow up to be a
GREAT chef one day."
"Yeah. And maybe I'll win the lottery," Nabiki said. She
considered the ramifications of that, and said, "Err, scratch
that. I just bought a ticket yesterday and don't want to jinx
myself."
DING DONG!
Nabiki blinked. "We don't have a doorbell. Who's that?"
"I'll go get it," Kasumi offered, and got up from the dining
room table.

*

It was Kunou. Again.
"Greetings, fair maiden," he bowed before Kasumi. "I took
the measure of having Sasuke install a doorbell on your house, so
that I wouldn't damage the door of your domicile with my muscular
arms and the act of knocking."
"Umm... that's very kind of you," Kasumi replied, not sure
what else to say to that. "What can I do for you?"
"I realized that my previous order of flowers was shipped
incorrectly," Kunou said. "I have travelled across the city to
deliver the correct flowers to you. I have ensured that FTD
Incorporated felt the wrath of the Kunou family for their
grievous error."
"Oh! That explains the price tag!" Kasumi guessed. "I
thought it looked wrong." Oh dear, she thought, I hope the poor
boy didn't lose too much money in this mixup. The flowers did
seem too expensive for a high school student to afford.
"Kasumi, who's at the door?..." Akane called, wandering over
to join them. She paused a few feet from the door. "Oh. Sempai."
"Greetings, Tendo Akane," Kunou bowed again. "One moment
and I shall have your flower arrangement unloaded as well. I
advise both of you to step back while Sasuke moves them."
"Mine?" Akane asked, walking off to the side while Kunou's
diminutive ninja hauled in a five foot tall, three foot wide ring
of roses, daises, violets, and seventy four other varieties of
flower Akane couldn't recognize. The banner stretching across
the wreath read KASUMI.
"Yes, yours. For I have decided that both of you are too
dear for me to give up. Therefore, I pursue the love of the fair
Tendo sisters in duet," Kunou grinned, as Sasuke hauled in an
identical wreath reading AKANE.
Kasumi checked the price tag on one of the wreaths. "Oh
my," she said, without quoting the figure.
"Whoa, let me get this straight," Akane said. "You're
planning on dating me AND my sister? Doesn't that strike you as
the least bit weird? And why won't you just GIVE UP on me for a
change?!"
"It was the best answer I could come up with," Kunou
shrugged. "Both of your presences are what light my days and
fill my nights with--"
Kunou was cut off as one of the wreaths smacked into his
head. He thrashed about a bit, careful not to harm the flowers,
and got it off. He stared around the room, looking for the
offending flower child.
"Take a hike, 'sempai'," Ranma suggested. "I think the
girls have expressed it enough that they don't want you around."
"Ranma, what are you doing?" Akane demanded. However, Ranma
and Kunou were already eye-locked and ear-locked; not caring
about the world around them. Anybody with aura goggles would
have been blinded.
"It seems the false suitor of Tendo Akane wishes to take
both my lovely Akane and Kasumi away from me," Kunou said, not
moving his eyes one radian. "Very well. If it is a challenge
you want, it is a challenge you shall have!"
"Fine by me. But not here, this is a living area. The
dojo's out back," Ranma said.
"Ranma, bug off, alright? This is between me and him!"
Akane yelled, pointing to Kunou.
"Hey, you SAID you wanted him to cut it out," Ranma
shrugged. "So, I'm going to cut him up. What's the problem?"
"Bah! To think that a mere peasant such as yourself could
harm me!" Kunou laughed. "Bring him on! I feel no pain!"

*

"Ow," Kunou yelped. "Not so hard, Nabiki."
"Jeez, Kunou-chan, you're pathetic," Nabiki grumbled,
wringing out a wet washcloth as she aided his recovery. Kasumi
had insisted that after the severe beating he got at the hands of
Ranma, that it would only be fair to give him first aid. However,
the only person willing to do it was Nabiki. Kasumi was
avoiding the upperclassman, for some reason.
"He merely got lucky," Kunou protested. "I can take him any
day. I will NOT let him stand between me and my loves!"
"Ever consider a change in love interest?" Nabiki asked. "Say,
to someone less... guarded."
"Bah. No forces can withhold my fury! I will be like the
tsunami, wiping away all opposition! Ow."
"So why can't the tsunami walk out of my daddy's dojo under
his own power?"
"I'm simply gathering my strength," Kunou said, narrowing
his eyes.

*

"I still say I could've taken him," Akane grumbled, munching
out of a bag of Cooler(TM) Ranch(TM) Doritos(TM) (C) 1995 all
rights reserved.
"Possibly, Akane," Kasumi nodded. "But really, I'm glad
Ranma took over the fight. I'd rather not have to hurt that poor
boy myself. He seems nice, but a bit... odd."
"Odd is an understatement. Hmph. Still, why'd that baka
Ranma have to jump in on us? I've handled Kunou ever since I've
met him. He's not THAT hard to beat."
"Maybe Ranma just didn't want to see you get hurt."
Akane paused. "Huh?"
"Well, maybe."
"Get hurt? Give me a break! I mean... fighting's not
hard," Akane rationalized. "Maybe I get a few bumps and bruises,
but big deal..."
"So you'd rather be fighting Kunou every day?"
"No way!"
"Then why not let Ranma deal with him?"
Akane paused. "Well... I mean..."
Kasumi smiled. "Look at it this way, Akane. Ranma's just
trying to help out a friend by taking some of her worries off her
hands. It's a blessing. I know you like to do things yourself,
but there's nothing wrong with him taking up a battle you've had
to fight for so long."
Kasumi paused. "Or maybe he just doesn't like Kunou and
enjoys fighting him. Either way, same result."
"Probably, yeah," Akane nodded. "He's the kind of guy
that'd just pick a fight for his own reasons. He's not doing it
to keep me safe. Not his style. No way."

*

"So why did you jump Kunou there?" Kaneda asked, patching up
the few scratches Ranma had obtained in battle.
"The twit was getting on my nerves," Ranma growled. "Honestly.
Trying to date two girls at once? And thinking it's
alright? Talk about your audacity."
"Not because Kasumi stopped him before you could trash Kunou
this morning?"
"Certainly not. I couldn't fight in the rain."
"Not because you were itching for a fight?"
"No. I was hoping to watch The X-Files tonight, but
unfortunately Kunou got in my way there."
"Oh, so you fought because he interrupted your primetime
viewing schedule?"
"Don't be silly."
"And it wasn't because you didn't want to see anything
happen to Akane?"
Ranma started to answer, then paused. "Eh?"
"You're not deaf, man, you heard me. Hold still, I need to
patch this cut up."
"Of course not. I had my own bone to pick with him, not
Akane's," Ranma stated flatly. "Not so tight with that band-aid.
At least it's over with and Nabiki brought the dink back to his
house."
"He'll be at you again, you know."
"Big deal. I'll take him out again in that case," Ranma
boasted. "I'm ALWAYS ready for an attack! HA HA HA!"
Kaneda sighed, and flipped Ranma across the room, slamming
him face first into a wall. Ranma stopped laughing for some
reason.
"Ha ha ha," Kaneda smirked.

%

"DISASTER! DOOM! HELLFIRE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!" the old
man screamed, dashing through the village, cane rapping on every
window he passed. "THE END IS NIGH! PACK UP AND RUN! SOON
THERE WILL BE NOTHING LEFT! THE GREAT METAL BEAST HEADS THIS WAY
NOW!"
The locals watched him with bemused interest. A few bar
patrons cheered him on as he ran, still screaming, by the local
okonomiyaki shop.
"What's he yelling about?" a patron asked, pointing a
chopstick out the door.
The chef, a rotund man with a cheesy moustache, laughed.
"That's just Hiroaki. He's our local doomsayer. Every week he
tends to run around town declaring the apocalypse. We think he
may be clinically insane."
"That's awful. Shouldn't someone do something about it?"
the patron asked.
"What, and pass up such obvious entertainment?" the chef
laughed. "Don't worry about it. He's never been right. Hey,
boys, see any great beast headed our way?"
"Nope!"
"Nada!"
"Negatory!"
"Nein!"
"Non!"
"Nyet!"
"Uh, like, what's that?" a boy near the door asked, as a red
pickup truck screamed down main street at 78 MPH, wiping out a
few storefronts in the process.
Several plates were dropped.
"I'll be damned, he finally got it right," the chef
grumbled. "Okay, sound the alarm."

*

The town was in a panic.
The truck, with the driver asleep (or dead) at the wheel,
was happily crashing around, destroying property and sending
everybody scrambling for higher ground. Another fun aspect of
this truck was the large wooden cases in the back, clearly marked
in gaijin lettering, reading TNT.
The patrons of the okonomiyaki shop stared down as the truck
smashed into the side of a street, wiping out the front window of
a dentist's shop and a flower arranger.
"Hiroshi is gonna be miffed," the chef sighed. "He just
finished paying for that window."
"I could try to stop that truck," the female patron from
before said. "Jump on the roof or something, maybe pry the door
open..."
"Naah, don't bother. Either it'll run out of gas, run out
of town, or crash somewhere. I wish I knew what TNT meant
though."
"It means explosives 'n bombs 'n stuff," the boy from
earlier piped in with. "Read it from an AC/DC lyric
translation."
"Explosives?!" the chef gaped. "You mean... it crashes, a
large chunk of the town goes boom?"
"Probably! It'll look so COOL! YEAH! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
FIRE! Heheheh m heh heh m heheh."
"Someone whap that boy, please. Alright. Miss, you think
you can stop that truck?"
"Not before it hits those two in the road, no," she said,
pointing to the two unsuspecting pedestrians, a few hundred feet
in front of the speeding truck.
The bar staff and customers made mad hooting noises and
screams, trying to get the notice of the hapless fools that were
about to become roadkill. The doomed didn't seem to notice,
however, and kept on walking.
The girl turned away, not particularly interested in seeing
human okonomiyaki.
If she had looked, she'd have seen the boy (the one on the
right) whip out an umbrella, using it to pole vault over the
truck, and the girl (the one on the left) cartwheel off to a
side, whip out a ribbon and completely tear the front axle off
the truck with it.
The truck, suddenly lacking half its wheels, skidded to a
dusty halt in the country road, without going BOOM.
"YES! ROCK!" the boy cheered, headbanging in appreciation.
"Whoa," the chef exclaimed. "Everybody downstairs. Those
two are coming this way."

*

The huddled masses, no longer huddled on the roof, streamed
out of the buildings of town, applauding wildly in favor of the
two kids who had saved their village.
"Ma'am, I've got no idea how you managed to stop a runaway
truck with a... what is that?"
"It's a ribbon," she replied, in a voice not unlike sexy,
smooth saxophone with several shining and sinister spikes
sticking straight out.
"Ah, yes, a ribbon. However you did it, good job. How can
we repay you two?"
"Tell us," the boy said, in a voice like bitter bread baking
over a brunt, brittle bonfire, "Where is Furinkan High School?"

*

"I found what I was looking for in Compton's 1993
encyclopedia," Doctor Tofu said.
"See? I told you I needed the update," Nabiki whispered to
Akane. "Doc, can I buy that edition off you?"
"Sorry, Nabiki, I need it for the clinic. Anyway, they have
a long section about Jusenkyo in it, which I was reading...
Ranma, why didn't you just look at the signs before you jumped
into that pool?"
"There were signs?" Ranma asked. "Not when we went. And I
was THROWN in."
Doctor Tofu nodded. "Well, the section details how Jusenkyo
was created. They got a magician to bless the land, or curse it,
depending on your point of view, so that whatever drowned there
would enchant the spring they died in with physical form
transformation. However, they had a problem; the springs
wouldn't allow for more than one type of any one thing."
"Eh?" Ranma asked, getting quite confused.
"Well, here's how your curse was developed," Doctor Tofu
replied, paging through his paper edition of the encyclopedia.
"Apparently, the springs of Jusenkyo already had spring of
Drowned Boy, and when an adolescent boy from the local village
drowned in a fresh pool, the pool wouldn't take a pure Drowned
Boy curse. It accepted the body, but needed more so it would be
different from other pools. So, it also took on the boy's
personality. Apparently he was the town letcher."
"Terrific," Ranma groaned.
"After the village learned of this new ability in the pools,
they drowned several others... judges, doctors, teachers,
architects, musicians. Also some personalities, such as selfless
givers, romantic lovers and philosophical wisemen. (*) From then
on, whenever the village was short a professional, or if a
villager was deemed worthy of gaining a new personality, they
could use the pools. It led to a great deal of prosperity,
before the entire Jusenkyo civilization vanished without a
trace."
"So is there a cure, Doctor Tofu?" Akane asked.
"Well... it doesn't say. Apparently, body cures were easy
to obtain, and frequently they could build armies of 'manimals'
and cure them back after the fight. But nobody ever thought to
find a reverse effect for the other pools. It's hard to develop
a 'Spring of Perfectly Normal Person'."
"How about a saint pool?" Nabiki asked.
"That would probably modify Ranma more than we want him to
be modified. Or the two personalities might conflict and drive
him insane."
Ranma grimaced. "Oh. Joy."
"Surely there has to be a cure!" Akane exclaimed.
"I'm still looking, and don't call me Shirley. I'm positive
there is another way around this somewhere," Tofu replied,
closing the book. "It's just a matter of looking. Of course,
finding it may take several weeks, months, or even years..."
"Years," Ranma replied, in something of a haze. "Great. Well,
at least I know one thing."
"What?" Tofu asked, replacing the volume with the others in
his medical library.
"Considering my current situation, this is rock bottom.
Nowhere to go but up, so what could possibly go wrong?"
Thunder tore across the sky, crackling lightning in
irregular patterns that spoke of evil and doom and disaster.
"Um... did I say something wrong?" Ranma asked.

*

"So Tokyo is this way?" the boy asked, pointing in the wrong
direction.
"No, it's this way," the farmer said, pointing south.
"Alright, thanks," the boy nodded, starting off in a new,
more incorrect heading. "Come on, Kodachi."
"He said it was this way, Ryouga-kun," Kodachi corrected,
pointing south.
"I know he said that, that's why I'm going that way."
"No, you're going that way. This is this way and that is
that way. You see?"
"Sir, didn't you say to go this way?" Ryouga asked.
"No," the farmer reiterated, "THIS way. Not THAT way. THAT
way doesn't go THIS way. THIS way and THAT way are not the SAME
way."
"Alright, so I'll go that way," Ryouga said, a bit more on
course, but still in the wrong direction. He continued straight
and true on his faulty heading.
The farmer looked oddly at Kodachi. "What's wrong with that
boy? Was he dropped on his head too many times as a child or
something?"
"No, he just has a bit of a problem with directions,"
Kodachi said. "Don't worry, I'll get him to Tokyo safe and
sound, or at least sound! Ohohohohoho! Wait up, Ryouga-kun!"
"At last, I shall reach Tokyo and have my REVENGE!" Ryouga
called out, marching along the road.
"Hai! And I mine!" Kodachi replied, jogging to meet him. She
stopped dead in her tracks before the yellow sign, though. "Umm,
Ryouga-kun--"
"YOU WON'T HIDE FROM ME, SAOTOME RANMA!!!" Ryouga cried out
to the heavens, starting a massive rockslide.
Kodachi sighed, leaning on the 'QUIET -- LANDSLIDE ZONE'
sign, and wandered back to the farmer. "Can I borrow a shovel?"

*

"I got it! I FINALLY GOT IT!" Ataru yelled, clutching his
newly found prize to his chest as he raced around the upstairs
level of the Tendo home. "Akane's bra! Wow! A prize among
prizes!"
"BAKA! GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU!" Akane yelled,
pounding along after him.
Downstairs, Kasumi listened to the footfalls with bemused
worry. She turned to Genma, who was busy swallowing large
amounts of animal meat without chewing. IE, dinner.
"Maybe you shouldn't have thrown Ranma-kun into the pond,"
she suggested.
"Bah," Genma bahed, munching away. "He's getting sloppy in
his martial arts. A ninety year old grandmother could have
avoided that throw!"
"At least you could have tossed him somewhere less..."
(CRASH of windows breaking upstairs) "Damp," Kasumi added.
"If she keeps this up, we're going to have to drag Ranma
back to Doctor Tofu again," Nabiki reminded the others. "Remember
last week, when Ataru managed to sneak into the
bathroom with my camera? Smashed up Ataru, smashed up camera. I
paid 5000 yen for that camera."
"What does that have to do with the doctor?" Kaneda asked.
"Nothing. I'm just saying I paid 5000 yen for that camera,
that's all," Nabiki said. She ate 2/3rds of her dinner before
adding, "Oh, and Ranma didn't enjoy it, either."

*

Ataru bounced from roof to roof, across Nerima, the bra
whipping in the wind as Akane made periodic grabs for it.
"I said GIVE THAT BACK, you twisted freak!" Akane yelled.
"Nyah nyah!" Ataru called back, sticking his tongue out.
"Finders keepers losers weepers! Come on, it's just one bra,
cutie. Surely you won't miss it!"
"Yes I will, and don't call me--"
An eclipse of the sun came about.
The two paused, as day turned into night. Or at least
seemed to; in fast, it was just a shadow from something circular
blocking the sun...
The open umbrella slammed into the roof they stood on,
puncturing the shingles where Akane and Ataru were just standing.
The boy grasping the umbrella handle pulled his weapon out, which
was no worse for wear, struck a dramatic, defiant pose and
shouted :
"SAOTOME RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!"
"Who?" Ataru asked.
The boy blinked. He left his umbrella aside, and wandered
over to Ataru, examining him. "Hmmm. You're not Ranma."
"Nope no way no how!" Ataru grinned. "And proud not to be."
"Odd... from the air, you LOOKED like him..." Ryouga said,
scratching his head. "No matter. Where is Furinkan High
School?"
"That way, three blocks, can't miss," Ataru said. "Bad
locker room, they just added security for some reason. The
restrooms aren't too bad, though, and you gotta admit, the gym
uniforms are nice."
"Huh? Whatever. That way, you say?" Ryouga asked, pointing
off to the north-north-east plus two degrees.
"Certainly. Happy trails," Ataru smiles, saluting. Ryouga
grabbed his umbrella, bouncing off in the opposite of the
direction he was going the wrong way in.
"Umm... who was that?" Akane asked, stunned.
"Eh, dunno," Ataru shrugged. "Just some guy, I guess. Though
if he wants to kill Ranma, no need to have him go the
right way, ne?"
"Oh! That reminds me," Akane said, grabbing her bra and
kicking Ataru into orbit. "I want this back."
"CUUUUUTTIIIIiiiii...." Ataru trailed off, soaring into the
sky. Akane grinned, and headed back home.
A face peered up from the roof edge, where someone was
climbing up a ribbon to join the party. She watched as Akane
jumped to the ground, and stealthily followed.

*

"I'm hoooome!" Akane called, wandering back inside.
"How was your romp with Ataru?" Nabiki asked, looking up
from the Monopoly board, where she was slowly but surely driving
Kaneda into the poorhouse.
"Oh, ended the usual way," Akane shrugged. "I'll be
upstairs putting this back if you need me. Losing again, Kaneda-
kun?"
"That's Kaneda-chan," Nabiki laughed.
"No, BEEK just has a slight advantage," Kaneda managed,
through clenched teeth. "Aha! You landed on Broadway! I've got
you now, Nabiki."
"Actually, Kaneda, I've already bought Broadway from you."
"Eh? No you didn't!"
"Corporate espionage and mergers," Nabiki smiled. "I'll
have my people issue a memo to your people. I think I'll build a
few hotels now... say, ten?"

*

When Death comes knocking, it doesn't use the front door.
Usually, it'll use a window, after properly greasing it and
ensuring nobody is inside. The figure slipped inside easily,
skulking along the darkened hallways of night like a skulk,
hugging the shadows like kawaii Hello Kitty dolls.
Most of the family was asleep at this point. Most except
for one, who was downstairs, making a midnight snack. The figure
followed the sounds of cold cereal, heading downstairs without
stepping on any loose floorboards. It approached the kitchen. It
entered the kitchen. It pulled out a mallet.
"TENDO KASUMI, PREPARE TO DIE!!" Kodachi yelled, on the
downswing of the mallet.
Kasumi ducked and rolled out of the way, but her Lucky
Charms didn't live up to their name, as the mallet crushed the
bowl into fine power and milky splatter.
Kodachi pulled the mallet out of the breakfast's demise,
dripping blue diamonds and purple horseshoes, and swung again at
Kasumi, who was quickly on her way out the door.
"Oh my, you again?" Kasumi asked, backing off, dodging swing
after swing. "How did you find me?"
"I tailed someone," Kodachi said. "You'll pay for what
you've done to me, hussy!"
"Shhhh! You'll wake daddy!" Kasumi warned, jumping to avoid
the mallet's SLAM against the floor. Kodachi pulled out her
ribbon, chasing Kasumi upstairs.

*

Ataru finally landed a moment later, in the fishpond outside
the Tendo Dojo.
It wasn't a fun landing, but it was a landing, and after
smacking a dozen birds on the way down, he was glad it was over. At
least his cutie was the one who smashed him. That kind of
frequent flyer mileage he didn't mind racking up.
Ataru crawled out of the pond, shaking carp out of his
clothing, and was starting to head back inside when he noticed
two figures on the roof fighting.
One he recognized as Kasumi. The other... well, he couldn't
see the other very well at all. Still, wow, what a fight! He
wished he had popcorn handy to munch while he watched. A duck, a
kick, blocked blow, a... string? Whip? Whatever. Kasumi had
leverage, though, and managed to tug-of-war her opponent
around... man, this was better than a Segal film.
The fight finally ended when Kasumi managed to knock the
girl off the roof.
Girl?
GIRL?
Yeah! It was female, whoa! She fell through a beam of
light on the way down, highlighting her form. Hey, wait, that
would mean a vision of loveliness would go splatter all over the
ground. We can't have that.
Ataru darted across the lawn, squelching slightly, and dove.
His outstretched hands weren't of much use, since he overshot,
but his body provided a very nice cushion for Kodachi to land on.
The wind knocked out of him, Ataru stayed put. Kodachi got
up and rolled him over, leaning atop him.
Ataru stared up at her with one of his eyes, the other
straying slightly, dazed from the impact.
About now is when the violins and cellos would kick in,
driving the soundtrack into a thunderous romance tune, with
overtones of 'Rhapsody in Blue'. What a shame that life isn't
filmed in THX.
"What a man!" Kodachi exclaimed, clasping her hands to her
chest. "Dearest sir, thank you for saving me. I am in your
debt."
"Uh, okay, cool," Ataru nodded. Something was wrong. He
was THIS CLOSE to a nubile young body... and it was scaring him.
Maybe it was the look in her eyes, not unlike a cat stalking a
mouse, or a lion watching a deer, or an Orkin man observing a
cockroach. "Could you, like, get off me?"
Kodachi ignored him. She was too lost in thought,
specifically thoughts along the lines of, What a Manly Man! I'm
So Lucky To Find Someone Special! An All Girls School Is Not A
Good Place To Find a Husband, I'm So Glad I Tagged Along With
Ryouga On A Revenge Streak Or I'd Never Have Found My Dear,
Sweet... uh...
"Your name, kind sir?" she asked, pressing closer.
Ataru squirmed to get away. An alien action, but something
primal in his soul was telling him to run around until he found a
hole and go hide in it and maybe eat some cheese. "Uhh, Saotome
Ataru."
"Saotooome... Ataru," Kodachi repeated. Kunou Kodachi and
Kunou Ataru. Kunou Ataru and Kunou Kodachi. It sounded great
both ways!
"Dearest Ataru, accept this in return for your valiant
efforts," she requested, blowing him more than a kiss.
The 'more' was a small amount of a black powder, which Ataru
made the incredibly stupid mistake of inhaling. Every muscle in
his body froze up, except for his brain, which was panicking
wildly.
"Wha... fa... whoa... uhh..." Ataru mumbled.
"Just a bit of paralysis powder! Ohohohohohohohohoho!"
Kodachi laughed. It was quite possibly the most evil sounding
series of HO's and OH's Ataru had ever heard in his life, ringing
around his ears like The Gong Show.
Kodachi stood up, and looked down at the squirming insect
she had pinned. She smiled. It was almost too easy.
"Now, Ataru-sama..." she breathed, bending down, filling
Ataru's view with her lovely and hideously frightening features,
"Make me your o--"
THWACK. The dumbbell smashed against the side of the
Kodachi's head like a dead cat. She stumbled a few times, then
fell into the pond.
"Kasumi! Come quick, I caught a prowler!" Akane yelled from
the dojo door, carrying another dumbbell, just in case. "Ataru,
are you okay?"
"Gaah," Ataru commented.
"Good. Where'd that prowler go?" Akane asked, wandering
outside. She found a ribbon, and a school uniform, but no
prowler. The unknown assailant was missing.
Akane shrugged, dragging the paralyzed Ataru inside the
dojo. The door shut behind her, considerably louder than the
thrashing in the pond...

*

"Thanks for the hot water," Ranma thanked, toweling his hair
off. "Jeez, that was weird. First time I've known Ataru not to
paw a woman that close. Wonder why."
"Why was the prowler trying to attack you, Kasumi?" Akane
asked.
"It's part of a very old feud I had back in junior high,"
Kasumi said. "See, Happousai decided to settle down in Tokyo for
awhile, and he enrolled me in an all-girls school and Ranma in an
all-boys school."
"I hated that place," Ranma commented.
"My school wasn't that nice either. In particular, there
was this one girl, Kodachi, the leader of the gymnastics team. Her
team's leotards vanished one day, apparently stolen by
Happousai, and she demanded an answer out of me about where they
went. Since Happy had run off that week on some underwear
stealing jaunt, I was left holding the bag..."
"Hey, yeah!" Ranma nodded. "I remember that. Some kind of
gymnastics contest, right? You won."
"Hai, I won. Kodachi pulled out some flowers, which I
pushed in her own face," Kasumi said. "She passed out. I won. I
wanted to make sure she wasn't hurt too badly, so I rode in the
ambulance that took her away... she couldn't move, but she said a
lot of really unpleasant things. I'd rather not repeat them."
"About a week later, we left for China, and yadda yadda,"
Ranma nodded. "Oy. I didn't know there was a serious challenge
involved, though. So she's back now for revenge, huh?"
"It looks like it, sadly," Kasumi nodded. "I was hoping
she'd forget about it, but it looks like I was wrong. I wonder
why she left her belongings in the yard, though..."

*

Ryouga landed on the wall surrounding the Dojo property,
quietly as a lark. He thought he saw Kodachi go this way, but it
took him awhile to find the place... and now, no Kodachi.
Uhoh.
Her clothes and ribbon... so she was here. Ryouga
instinctively looked around for any sources of water, and finally
leapt down towards the pond, perching on the edge of the water to
investigate.
"Kodachi?" he whispered. "You around here?"
There was a nudge from behind, and Ryouga, already slightly
off balance, was pushed into the pond. Kodachi flashed him a
sneer, and in their new common language, grunted : What kept
you?!
To ordinary members of the genus homo sapiens, it would have
sounded like a bunch of bweeing.
Akane crept outside, hearing noise. She had a wooden
training sword out, in case it was Kodachi again.
"To whoever's out here, I'll have you know I'm heavily
armed!" she called. Nobody replied. There was, however, a tug
at her ankle.
She looked down, and saw the most ADORABLE little piglet! It
had these big moon eyes, and a kawaii neckerchief with yellow
and black tiger stripes. It was tugging on her pajama pant leg
insistently.
What's more, there were TWO little black piglets. The other
was sulking by the pool and simply wore a purple hairband around
its neck, but was nevertheless quite kawaii.
"Hey, c'mere," Akane beckoned, getting down on her knees and
offering a hand to the yellow-wearing pig. It sniffed her hand
cautiously, then approached it. Akane scooped up the piggie,
looking it over, then went over to pick up the other pig, which
offered minimal resistance.
Hmm. Odd, this other pig had a seriously nasty bruise on
its head. Well, soon enough fixed.

*

Ranma tossed the towel back inside the bathroom, and
sneezed. Getting hit with water so many times in one day wasn't
very good for the health, or the hygiene. Thankfully, the pipes
were fixed, and he could safely take a shower.
"Ranma! Are you taking a shower?" Akane called, wandering
upstairs with an armload.
"Yeah, why?" he asked.
"Could you do me a favor and give these piglets a bath?" she
asked, forking the two pigs over to him. "I found them outside. I
think I'll keep them as pets, they seem nice."
"Hey, this yellow one's trying to bite me!" Ranma said. "Ow!"
"I might as well go work on my skipped homework, now that
I'm up... Let me know when you're done with them," Akane called,
heading to her room.
They seem nice? Ranma thought. He didn't like the dirty
looks the one with eyelashes was giving him, nor the angry looks
the other was imparting to him...
He carried his payload of other white meat into the
bathroom, nudging the door shut behind him with his foot. The
pigs squirmed around, trying to get away. Odd that Akane would
want wild animals as pets.
Ranma kept them pinned under a towel while he drew a nice,
hot bath. Once the temperature was right, he took a pig in
either hand and plunged them underwater.
He was pretty surprised with an extremely angry looking girl
and a VERY angry looking boy popped up, one under each hand. Both
naked. Both upset.
"..." he asked.
"RaaaannNNNNmaaa...." the boy growled, bearing his fangs.
"I've finally found you! DIE!!!!"
"Whoa!" Ranma yelped, putting a soap container between
himself and the boy's fist. "Where'd you two come from?"
"We were the pigs, silly boy!" Kodachi snarled. "All thanks
to YOU!"
"Ummm... you I know," Ranma said. "But who's this guy?"
"It's Hibiki Ryouga!" Ryouga blurted.
"Hibiki... uuhh... Hibiki?" Ranma asked, thinking back.
"Hibiki, Hibiki,... Nope, doesn't ring a bell."
"We HAD a fight scheduled, but you and your sensei ran off
to China," Ryouga reminded.
"And I followed along, since I have a thorn to pick with
your partner, Kasumi," Kodachi added.
"Fight? Ryouga, Ryouga... hey, yeah! I remember you!"
Ranma smiled. "Long time no see."
"Good. Now hold still so we can kill you!" Kodachi yelled.
Both former pigs lunged for Ranma, grabbing onto him.
"Whoa! Ack! Cut it out!" Ranma yelled, trying to bat them
away, to avail. The beating had commenced, but was quickly
stopped when Ranma's flailing arms accidentally reached out and
twisted the cold water knob.
The shower rained down, opening like the vault of the
heavens to pour cold water on the trio. Where there was two kids
ganging up on one, there was now a hentai and two piglets.

*

"YAAAA!" Ataru yelled, running out of the bathroom (trying
to keep a towel wrapped around his midsection), chased by the
pigs. He kicked Ryouga away, only to have Kodachi clamp onto his
shoulder with her teeth.
"Ranma, what's going--?!" Akane started, leaning out of her
door to see Ataru fighting with her piglets! She stomped over
and slugged Ataru, grabbing Ryouga the pig off the ground.
"There there, did mean Ataru hurt you?" she asked, huggling
the piglet. It quickly stopped fighting, surprised at the sudden
warmth of his new position.
Ataru got up, rubbing his jaw. "Those pigs tried to kill
me!" he yelled.
"Don't be ridiculous, Ataru, they're just piglets," Akane
said, crushing Ryouga to her chest with a muffled bwee?. "Besides,
that one seems to have taken a liking to you."
"Eh?" Ataru asked, before noticing that the piglet on his
shoulder had stopped biting and started nuzzling. Of course...
it was Kodachi!
"Ugh, get offa me!" Ataru demanded, slapping the pork
(huhuhuh) away. Kodachi hung on.
"Awww, that's cute. Don't hit her," Akane cooed and warned
in sequence. "I'll name mine P-Chan."
"Pee what?"
"You know... pig cute?"
"I don't want a pet pig! Hey, this thing's CRAWLING on me!"
Ataru yelped, trying to shake Kodachi off.
"Whatever. We'll change you back tomorrow, I'm too tired to
deal with this," Akane said. "Me and P-Chan'll just go to bed."
"What?" Ataru asked, stopping in his pork evasion. Kodachi-
piggie stopped also, looking at P-Chan in surprise, who couldn't
look back on account of being nestled in Akane's chest. "Whoa,
hold up, you're gonna take that slab of bacon to bed with you?!"
"Well, duh," Akane said, sticking her tongue out. "It's
just a pig, Ataru, calm down."
"Waaaah! But I wanna go to bed with you!" Ataru whined.
Kodachi narrowed her eyes and chomped on Ataru's shoulder again.
"You have your own pig," Akane said. "Now, GOODNIGHT!"
She stomped off to her room, helpless P-Chan in tow, and
slammed the door behind her. Ataru grumbled, and went back into
the bathroom for his clothes and some hot water.

*

"Alright, let's get one thing straight," Ataru said, setting
the hot water bucket down after dosing Kodachi. "I am NOT
keeping you as a pet piggie. It's bizarre. And
furthermoyaaaaahhh!!"
Kodachi had glomped onto Ataru at this point, ticking his
ear. "But darling, it's so perfect! I can stay with you all the
time and nobody'll ever know. Let me be your hog. Oink oink."
"Gaah!" Ataru gargled. "Get offa me! You're creepy!"
"Why, I'm SO glad I decided to come along for revenge!"
Kodachi beamed, letting Ataru fall to the floor. "Okay, maybe we
did follow you to China and accidentally fall into one of those
silly springs, but oh, what a situation this has opened to me! Lo,
I am Bliss. Are you alright, Ataru darling?"
"No."
"Great!"
"Could you, like... put some... uhhh..." Ataru stammered,
trying to get the words out.
"What, darling?"
"Look, this is hard for me..."
"What's wrong?"
Ataru sighed, and spoke the phrase he thought he never would
be caught saying : "Could you put some clothes on? It's kinda,
umm, distracting."
"Oh, tosh. Let me continue. Your identity does surprise me
on two accounts," Kodachi mused. "One is that you're a Jusenkyo
victim too. Which pool did you land in?"
"Spring of Drowned Hentai. Although I prefer the term
'Socially Challenged,'" Ataru said. "This is my cursed form. It's
more of a mind-split than a body split, Ranma and I are
really different. I like myself better than myself, if that
makes sense."
"I guess you, or rather, that awful Ranma person knocked me
into Spring of Drowned Black Piglet. Ah, what bittersweet irony
to have my darling be my enemy as well! I savor the melodrama.
Darling, shall we go to bed now?"
"WHAT?" Ataru said. "NO! Beat it! Get outta my house!"
"Fine. I'm sure your family will react well to a naked
woman strutting around their house in the middle of the night. Go
ahead and kick me out now."
Ataru smacked himself in the face. Jeez, here he had a
willing, unclothed woman and it just HAD to be the scariest,
creepiest, WEIRDEST human on the face of the planet. He simply
had NO luck, did he?
It could be worse. She could be an alien who liked
electrocuting people... bah, no, that's just silly. Like that
show with those two FBI agents that Ranma seemed to enjoy.
"Alright, alright, you can stay. FOR NOW. And under my
terms," Ataru warned.
"I'd do anything to stay with you, darling!" Kodachi beamed
as the cup of cold water Ataru was filling hit her.
"A pig is acceptable," Ataru said. "But you're NOT gonna be
in my bed. I'll get out a pillow for you or something."

*

"YAWN. Ataru's a real jerk, isn't he, P-Chan?" Akane asked
her piglet, which stared up at her with nervous eyes. It wasn't
expecting to be hauled into a stranger's bed tonight... although
it wasn't putting up any objections.
"Bwee," P-Chan agreed.
"Well, at least Ranma's not Ataru ALL the time. Just under
that stupid curse," Akane shrugged.
P-Chan's eyes blinked in realization. It grrred slightly. So
the brown haired boy, the one that knocked them into the pool,
it WAS him?! He had suspected...
"Awww, are you still mad at big bad Ataru?" Akane laughed,
hugging her kawaii l'il piggie tighter. "Just sleep tight, mommy
will protect you."
Then Akane kissed the pig.
And the pig's life changed dramatically.

*

Ataru waited until fatigue had made the Kodachi piglet fall
asleep on the pillow bed he had prepared, then stealthily crept
out the window, kettle in tow.
The plan was this : Expose Ryouga for the human he was, so
Akane would slap HIM instead of Ataru for being a pervert. Then,
while Akane was broken up about Ryouga's betrayal, Ataru could...
'console' her. Yeah. Heheheh. Cool.
Honestly, Ryouga had a grudge streak a mile wide. So
Ataru's not-so-better half stole his lunch bread on a day to day
basis! Not ATARU'S fault, no siree. And even so, to stampede
his way off to China and back again just to finish one of Ranma's
fights was simply stupid. Well, Ataru would put an end to this
silliness once and for all. THEN he could worry about his other
pork product.
Ataru resisted the urge to whistle a happy little tune, and
approached Akane's window, sliding it open.
Perfect! The cretin was sleeping in her arms. A little hot
water right now would make the ULTIMATE compromising position.
Maybe Ataru's luck was looking up after all!
He slipped inside Akane's room, steam floating out of the
kettle nozzle, and prepared to pour.
"Bwebwee?" a voice called from the windowsill. He turned
slowly, to see Kodachi the piglet staring at him, angry.
The saying goes : 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'.
Ataru appended 'like a woman who is a piglet scorned' to that
statement as Kodachi jumped him, knocking the kettle away.
"Why, you little--" Ataru started, chasing Kodachi around
the room. P-Chan quickly woke up from the noise, and joined the
fray; the room now looked like Ataru was chasing two black little
superballs.
Eventually, both piglets impacted on the back of Ataru's
head, sending him sprawling into Akane's bed, just in time for
her to wake up.
Just in time to wake up on top of Akane.

*

"This'll take at least a week to heal," Doctor Tofu said,
applying the last of Ranma's pressure points and re-sealing the
plastic casts. "Until then, try not to move."
"I can't believe YOU did this to me," Ranma grumbled,
turning his... eyes to look angry at Akane.
Akane shrugged, petting her new piglet. "I couldn't just
let Ataru get away with something like that, Ranma."
"Yeah, but you're slamming ME just as much as you slam him,"
Ranma grumbled. "Akane, please... I know my curse is hard to
live with... but can you go easy on Ataru next time? I haven't
had a single day here in Nerima so far where I haven't had an
injury."
"Ranma has a point, Akane," Doctor Tofu nodded. "If you
want, I can try to teach you some common shihatzu points for
disabling a foe without severely hurting them. It might be
helpful whenever Ataru is on the loose."
"Alright, doctor," Akane nodded. "I can't find your pet pig
anywhere, Ranma. I guess she went off somewhere."
"Fine with me," Ranma said, resisting the urge to shrug.
"Shame YOUR little piggie couldn't meet a horrible accident..."
he mumbled under his breath.
"That's one," Akane said.
"Eh? One what?"
"One whack I owe you for when you're recovered."
"Great, now I'm running up a tab," Ranma groaned as Akane
laughed. Ranma perked an eyebrow painfully. "What's so funny?"
"I'm just joking, Ranma," Akane smiled. "Relax. You're
hurt enough. I've got to get back to the dojo... remember, get
well soon."
Ranma blinked. It was a nice smile... "Oh, okay. Err,
thanks. Akane."
Akane nodded, and headed out. P-Chan bweed one more time
nastily at him, but was too busy cuddling in Akane's arms to
attack Ranma again.
I'll have to have some words with that pig when I get out of
here, Ranma thought to himself.
"I've got to head down the pharmacist for your pain killers,
Ranma," the Doctor said. "I'll take an hour. Don't move while
I'm gone."
"Got it, doc," Ranma didn't nod as the Doctor left.
Thankfully, he had the television on, so Ranma watched bad game
shows for a few minutes.
"Ahem," a voice by the door called.
"The doctor's out," Ranma replied. "He'll be back in an
hour or so."
"Really? Ohohohohoho! That's wonderful!" the voice rang.
Ranma, panicked, looked to the door, to see Kodachi in a
full nurse's outfit, with a bucket of cold water. "Time for your
sponge bath, darling!"
Ataru's screams rang through the neighborhood for quite some
time.

*

Ranma was going to be laid up at the clinic for longer than
anybody had imagined. When asked what had re-injured him, he
could only recall horrible images of sponges, and would have to
be calmed down with sleep-points to get him back into a rational
frame of mind.
Meanwhile, Akane had to take care of both piglets at the
Dojo, much to Kodachi's disgust.
"What do you see in her, anyway?" Kodachi asked one day,
when both were fully human. (They had taken to hiding clothing
in secret spots around the house just in case.) The pair was
hanging out near the pond, but were especially careful not to
fall in.
"In Akane?" Ryouga asked. "Well... it's like... you ever
look at someone, and in that instant, just KNOW you were meant to
be together?"
"I've... had that feeling, yes," Kodachi said. "But this is
AKANE. The one who talks in that awful baby voice and makes you
wear a bib when she feeds you. How can you handle that?"
"Okay, okay, so she just thinks I'm her pet," Ryouga
grumbled. "I'll tell her as a human how I feel about her."
"Oh yeah? When?"
"Well... eventually," Ryouga shrugged.
"Ryouga, we've been hanging around the dojo as humans AND
pigs for quite some time now. You've had plenty of opportunity."
"Speaking of opportunity, how come you're not attacking
Kasumi?" Ryouga asked. "You said you wanted her dead for making
you alle--"
"You promised you'd never mention it again!!" Kodachi
yelled.
"Whoa, whoa, okay. Sorry. Anyway, why?"
"Oh, I have better prey to stalk," Kodachi smiled, in a way
that suggested either evil or love or both.
"Oh. RANMA," Ryouga snorted in a piglike way.
"Ataru. His name is Ataru."
"No, it's Ranma. The original baka, Saotome Ranma, stealer
of bread, ruiner of lives. He's why we HAVE these curses,
Kodachi."
"Well, he's a better man because of it. Ah, my darling
Ataru! Soon I will figure out a way to keep you from turning
into that horrible Ranma person, then we can finally wed..."
Ryouga looked at her funny. "Uh. Right. Whatever."
Kodachi hmphed. "I'm not the one who's a cute widdle piggy-
wiggy."
"Yes you are!"
"Well, I don't indulge in playing baby," Kodachi said. "Unlike
some pigs."
"Well, bwee to you!" Ryouga said, using one of the most
horrible insults in bweese he knew.
"Is that so?!" Kodachi scowled. "Well, BWEE! BW'WEE!"
"BWEE!"
"BWEEE BWWEEE BWEEEEEEE," Kodachi drawled out.
"Excuse me, is P-Chan out here?" Akane asked, leaning out
the dojo door.
Ryouga paused in mid-pig-insult. "Oh! Akane-san... ah...
no, I think I saw him run inside. How's, ah, Ranma doing?"
"We're going to drop by the clinic later tonight for a
visit," Akane said. "I was going to bring P-Chan along to keep
me company."
"I'm sure he's around," Kodachi said, rolling her eyes. Well,
at least she could go see Ranma as well, in guise, as could
Ryouga.
Akane nodded, and walked back inside.
Kodachi and Ryouga looked at each other and shrugged.
"If we went as ourselves..."
"...it wouldn't go over well, no," Ryouga nodded.
"This curse is rather annoying, even if it is useful,"
Kodachi spat. "Being a pig is so... boring."
"I know, I know," Ryouga sighed. "Not much we can do about
it. At least we're both pigs and can cover for each other, if
need be."
"Ohohoho! Yes... such as that time you gave me one of your
bandannas so we could prove to Akane that you and P-Chan weren't
the same," Kodachi grinned. "Now my darling Ataru has no hope of
exposing you."
Ryouga laughed. "Yeah, that was good. We make a good team,
even if we're furry most of the time. Anyway... off to the pond.
After you, madame."
Both pigs hopped into the pond, then headed inside, back to
their alternate lives.

%

Winter came, and Ranma had healed up reasonably well. He
was on crutches for a few days, but after that, he was back to
normal. Then he tried Kaneda's Soup Surprise and went back to
the clinic for a week.
Eventually, however, there came a period where Ranma wasn't
crippled, and he managed to lead a fairly normal life. Normal,
except for Ryouga attacking him every now and then, Kodachi
splashing and glomping him (in that order), or Kunou demanding
Ranma's head on a platter for daring to come between him and
Akane or Kasumi.
"I'm beginning to wonder if life under Happousai was
better," Ranma wondered aloud.
"Hmm?" Akane asked, looking up from her skate laces. "Come
on, it's not THAT bad, is it?"
"Well... it's fairly bad. I mean, I keep getting attacked
by your baka friend Ryouga, and that twit Kunou..."
"You always win. What's the problem?" Akane asked. "You
are a good martial artist, you know. For a boy. You know, I
think if you weren't testing your skills on a daily basis, you'd
be BORED."
Ranma choked. "Bored?! Bored of peace?"
Akane nodded. Ranma considered this.
"Alright, admittedly it's a more entertaining form of
training," Ranma said. "Katas are okay, but actually beating
Kunou's rear is more enjoyable. Although still, maybe a vacation
is in order or something. Winter break IS coming up... or would
everybody just follow us? Ryouga, Kodachi, Kunou... by the way,
weird how those two ended up being related."
"They're quite similar, hai. As for a vacation, well, who
says we need to tell anybody where we go?" Akane asked. "Way I
see it, we'd be better off not publicizing it. Get away from
town for awhile and unwind."
"They'd find out. They always do."
"Don't be such a party pooper, Ranma. I'm sure it could be
done. You and I flee off somewhere without telling anyo... that
is, flee with the folks, you know, family vacation and such?"
"Yeah. Yeah. Definitely go with pop and the others,
definitely," Ranma nodded furiously, covering Akane's verbal
error. "For now, I guess skating will have to do."
"True. Umm. Ranma, why don't you have your skates on?"
Akane asked, pointing to the unused pair. "Can't you skate?"
"What? Me? Ha! I'm the greatest skater that ever lived!"
Ranma boasted. "I just... don't feel like it today. I think
I'll just eat my hot dog and watch. Why're you taking the pork
brigade with you?"
P-Chan bweed up from his seat on the rinkside diner table,
wrapped up in a nice yellow scarf. 'K-Chan', Ranma's name for
the other pig ("If you knew why there's a K there, you'd never
believe me," he told them) was also in the scarf, although K-Chan
looked considerably less happy to be there.
"Well, why not?" Akane asked. "When was the last time you
took your little K-Chan out for a good time?"
"Never. I don't LIKE my little K-Chan," Ranma reminded her.
"Bleah. You're just not an animal lover. I'd take care of
her for you, if it wasn't that she likes you more."
"Tell me about it," Ranma grumbled. "Well, go skate with
the pigs. Have fun. I'll be here."
"You sure you don't want to skate with me?" Akane asked.
"Please? It'll be fun."
"Don't worry about me," Ranma said. "I'm cool here. No pun
intended."
Akane laughed anyway, then skated out, the pigs perched on
either shoulder.
"'tis a thing of beauty, the queen of ice," Kunou said,
looming behind Ranma. "Lo, but to gaze upon the nimble lass of
winter, to see her dance her dance of ages upon the silvery
surface, not unlike the water nymphs of times long gone. One
such as you, however, cannot appreciate the intrinsic value of
this wonderful view."
"Yo," Ranma replied with, not bothering to turn around in
his diner seat.
"I have not come to once more thrash you, Ranma," Kunou
said, ignoring for the moment that he had yet to be successful at
any form of thrashing. "I seek the location of Tendo Kasumi, so
that I might skate with both my loves."
"She's at home trying to teach Kaneda how to cook," Ranma
said. "IE, forget it."
"Very well. Denied of the more pleasant option of skating
with my loves, I shall have to fill my time with the less
pleasant option of challenging you in their honor. Prepare
yourself!"
Ranma grabbed his skates from below the table, and without
looking, whirled them over his head. The boots kicked Kunou's
head, knocking him out, and whirled back to the floor with a
flick of the wrist.
"You might be annoying, 'sempai', but at least you're not
much of a threat," Ranma said, patting Kunou's sleepy head and
getting up to get another hot dog. "You I could smack around any
day."

*

"K-chan!" Akane called, skating through the crowd, easily
avoiding any head on collisions. "Where are you?"
She sighed, looking at the other pig on her shoulder. "She
must have fallen off. Poor girl... we'll find her, P-Chan!"
P-Chan nodded, and helped with the search by looking around.
He was very aware of what effect ice skates would have on a pig
trapped on the ice, and didn't exactly want to see Kodachi sliced
into bacon strips. It wouldn't be right, after all.
However, they had been searching for awhile now, with no
success. The rink was devoid of swine, except for P-Chan.
"She's not here," Akane said, nearly reading P-Chan's
thoughts. "That means... someone must have taken her!"
Akane quickly skated back towards the rinkside diner, P-Chan
hanging on for dear life. Hmph! he thought. Of course, there's
trouble, so she goes running to Ranma. How typical. If only
there was some hot water around...
She stopped skating, sliding up to the wall nearest to
Ranma's table, where he was munching on a hot dog. She glanced
for the merest of moments at the unconscious Kunou sprawled on
the ground, ignored him, and turned to Ranma.
"Find K-Chan!" she ordered.
"Eh?"
"K-Chan is missing. I think someone took her!"
"What's your point, Akane?" Ranma asked, looking up from his
foot.
"Well... she's gone! We've got to get her back."
"Bleah. She can take care of herself. Who cares if she's
MIA?" Ranma asked. "You know I don't want that pig, anyway. Get
P-Chan to stop biting me."
"P-Chan, stop that! Ranma, you've got to help me find her.
She could be hurt somewhere, or worse, she could be sold to a
butcher!"
Ranma sighed. "Alright, alright. We'll look for your
precious K-Chan. Where've you looked?"
"I checked all around the rink. Nobody has her."
"Did you check the diner?"
"Obviously, no. I just got here."
"If you checked here first, you'd notice that girl over
there has her," Ranma said, pointing a thumb.
Akane blinked. Sure enough, there was a kawaii l'il girl,
with a fur coat draped over her shoulders, eating a sundae at the
other side of the diner. And she had K-Chan nustled under an
arm, the piglet obviously trying to get away.
"Don't just sit there, Ranma, go get your pig back," Akane
said, the fear out of her voice now that she knew of K-Chan's
location.
"Later," he said. "I'm not done eating."
"Hmph!"
"Excuse me, miss?"
Akane looked up at the boy who had just stepped between the
ice rink wall and Ranma's table. He wore a cashmere sweater,
with stylish pants and a wavy haircut. He looked down at her
with possibly caring eyes.
"Uh... yes?" Akane responded. P-Chan grrred at the new boy.
"Did you say that girl over there has a pet of yours?" the
boy asked, pointing without looking.
"Oh... hai," Akane nodded. "She has my BAKA! friend's pet
pig, K-Chan."
The boy nodded. "One moment."
With that, he wandered over to the girl's table, yanked K-
Chan from her arms and walked back over, presenting the pig to
Akane.
"There you go," he said, setting K-Chan on Akane's shoulder,
next to P-Chan. "That's my skating partner, Azusa. She has a
habit of naming cute objects and taking them for her
collection..."
"CHARLOTTE!" Azusa, the girl, shouted, darting over. The
boy blocked her, to keep her away from Akane.
"My name is Sanzenin Mikado, member of the Golden Pair," the
boy said. "This is Shiratori Azusa. I'm sorry for any
inconvenience my partner caused..."
"Give me back my Charlotte!" Azusa demanded, grabbing an
ashtray from Ranma's table and whacking Mikado with it. Mikado
ignored her.
"Anyway, I hope that--"
"GIVE ME BACK MY CHARLOTTE!" Azusa begged, grabbing Ranma's
chair (much to Ranma's surprise) and smashing it over Mikado's
head.
Mikado yelped, and span to face Azusa, with a considerably
more manic look on his face than the Calm, Charming Exterior he
was presenting Akane. "Do you HAVE to do that, you stupid little
girl!?"
"Waaaah," Azusa whined. "I just wanted my Charlotte."
Mikado turned back to Akane. "Now, ma'am, if you'll do me
the honor of a slight repayment for finding your pet..."
"Huh?" Akane asked, as Mikado held her chin delicately,
angled his head, and moved in to kiss her--
--and a bit of onion smacked against his cheek.
Mikado looked up at Ranma, who had obviously flicked the
onion at him. Ranma was very nonplussed.
"Thanks for your help, fellah, now take a hike, okay?" Ranma
asked.
Mikado examined the onion. "So. You challenge the Golden
Pair?"
"No, I threw an onion at the Golden Pair. THIS is a
challenge," Ranma said, walking within Mikado's personal space.
"See the difference?"
"Charlotte!" Azusa squealed in glee, grabbing K-Chan before
anybody could stop her.
"A small wager, then?" Mikado suggested. "Say, that
piglet?"
"WHAT?!" Akane yelped. P-Chan bweed, eyes doubling in size.
"As far as I'm concerned, you can have the pig," Ranma
shrugged. "I'm just interested in kicking your ass. Akane
doesn't like to be grabbed like that, you know."
Akane just stared, dumbfounded.
"Then I set the challenge date at Saturday morning," Mikado
said. "At this very rink, for Martial Arts Figure Skating."
"Could be Martial Arts Basket Weaving for all I care, I'll
win anyway," Ranma said. "And make you wish you hadn't tried
that."
"Very well. Come, Azusa," he said, tugging the girl along.
K-Chan bweed angrily, but couldn't get away.
"RANMA!!" Akane yelled. "HOW... HOW could you just... you
let them... and then you... ARGH!"
"What?" Ranma asked.
"First of all, you LET them take your pet pig! Second, why
on earth are you getting into a brawl over my honor?"
"It's not that," Ranma denied. "Just don't like that guy's
attitude any. Besides, you said it yourself, if it wasn't for
all these fights, I'd be bored."
"Yeah, but--"
"Don't worry, Akane, I'll win. It's got Martial Arts in the
title... what was the second part again?"
"Figure Skating!"
Ranma paused. "Skating?"

*

"Ranma, how COULD you let them take her away like that?"
Ryouga asked. "And you call yourself a warrior? Have you no
honor to rescue ladies in distress?"
"Kodachi's a freak, not a lady," Ranma said. "That was a
lousy stone skip, Ryouga. Any idiot can get two bounces."
"Kodachi is NOT a freak," Ryouga said, skipping a stone
across the pond with two bounces. "She's just... eccentric."
"Well, of course. She's a Kunou. Anybody rich and a freak
is just eccentric."
"Bah! You deserve less, Ranma. With that kind of attitude,
you'll never get anywhere with women."
"Maybe I should try your approach; wear cute little bibs and
drink from a bottle and squeal happily when your get snuggled by
your mommy-poo."
Ryouga whapped Ranma across the head with his umbrella. "It's
not like that at all!"
"It's not?" Ranma laughed.
"Okay, maybe it LOOKS like that. But I truly love Akane,
and I know deep down inside, the feeling is most definitely
almost completely positively returned!"
"Could you tack on any more adjectives to that, Ryouga?"
Ranma asked. "Look, what's the big deal? Kodachi's a warrior.
She'll get away from that Azusa psycho easily enough, right?"

*

"Welcome to your new home, Charlotte!" Azusa cheered,
wandering into her Gallery. "I keep all my kawaii objects here,
like Jean-luc, Jean-paul, Michelle, Antonio, Gabriella,
Josephine..."
K-Chan watched in disgust as Azusa pointed out various
gumball machines, traffic lights, snow globes and precious gems
of all sizes and colors.
"...and kawaii l'il Benjamin, and Jadzia, and Kira," she
finished. "I think I'll put you next to Kira!"
K-Chan looked over at Kira.
And panicked. Because Kira was a LARGE bowl of flowers,
just dripping pollen all over the place... the piglet tried to
scrabble away, but Azusa had placed her on a pillow before she
could escape.
The sneezes set in first. Then the coughing, and the
spasms. Eventually, full paralysis, pollen choking up K-Chan's
snout. By a sheer stroke of bad luck, Azusa had figured out
Kodachi's super-weakness.
"Byebye! I gotta go practice if I'm gonna keep ya!" Azusa
waved. "Be a good girl and stay put, or my brother Juyza's
electric security system will fry you like a bug when you try to
leave the property! Baibai!"
Kodachi blacked out shortly after, growling piggy defiance
and blood-curdling vengeance against little miss Shiratori... and
indirectly, little miss Tendo...
Way back when, when girls were little girls and boys were
little boys, there was a slathering pit of hell known as Junior
High. And in this particular all-girls Junior High, a fight was
going on.
Kodachi, a younger, uncursed Kodachi, leapt atop one of the
four posts that made up the gymnastics ring. Her rival, Tendo
Kasumi, the one that trained under that horrible little underwear
thief, was going to suffer in his name.
"This ends now, little cockroach girl!" Kodachi laughed,
pulling a bouquet out from behind her back. This was a special
blend she had been working on for years now, a rare combinations
of poisons and antihistamines that not only would paralyze her
opponent, but also paralyze her whenever she came in contact with
OTHER flowers. The Ultimate Hayfever.
Regardless of who won this gymnastics match, Kasumi was
going to pay. Oh yes. She was going to pay.
Kodachi, however, hadn't counted on Kasumi blocking the
flowers with a gymnastics club, shoving the black roses of doom
into her own face.
The world spun. The sneezes came first, followed by the
coughing. Soon the judges were on the mat, screaming for a
doctor, as the spasms racked her body... and then, black.
She would never be able to touch, or even be near, a flower
again. Her livelihood robbed of her.
Even after all that, in the present day Kodachi no longer
chased Kasumi with such vigor. She had more important things to
do with her life. But this didn't mean her permanent hayfever
was going to go away. And it certainly didn't help her current
situation, as she drifted in and out of darkness under the warm
glow of Azusa's overhead lamp (Lucas).

*

"I don't see why this has to go in pairs," Ranma grumbled,
tying his skates on reluctantly. "I just challenged that Mikado
jerk, not both of them."
"Well, it's pairs skating. So get on the ice, Ranma, you
and I need to train train train," Akane said. "Hey, where's P-
Chan?"
"Akane!" Ryouga called, running over from the entrance of
the rink, slightly damp and carrying a pair of tiger striped ice
skates. "Let me be your skating partner!"
Ranma rolled his eyes. "She already picked one, Ryouga. Stay
here like a good little piggie and watch from the
sidelines."
"Who you callin' a pig, hentai?" Ryouga asked, smirking.
"Could you two please not fight right now?" Akane implored.
"It's very important that we skate."
"I bet Ranma here can't even skate," Ryouga grinned.
"Hey, I can too skate," Ranma rebutting, tying his skates on
with renewed vigor. "It's easy enough, right? No problem. Heck,
I'm a MASTER skater."
"I'll have you know I'm a master skater as well. Perhaps
even more masterful than YOU. Ever heard of Yamaguchi? Harding?
Kerrigan? Gretzky?"
"Yeah?"
"Bumblers," Ryouga grinned, looking down at Ranma. "Compared
to me."
"Alright, buddy, put the ice where your mouth is and let's
see who's the better skater," Ranma challenged, getting to his
feet wobbly.
"You're on!"
Both boys took massive strides over to the gateway in the
rink wall that connected the diner to the ice, placed a foot on
the ice and proceeded to defy gravity by hitting the ground
harder than human beings really should.
"I think you've got a ways to go before you beat Wayne
Gretzky, Ryouga-kun," Akane said, laughing as she looked down at
the pair. Something wasn't right. "Ryouga-kun? Yo, Ryouga! Is
he okay?"
Ranma twisted around painfully, until he was facing Ryouga. He
snapped his fingers in front of Ryouga's face a few times, and
slapped his cheeks lightly. "I think the boy's out cold. I
guess I win by default."
"I thought you said you were a master skater."
"Hey, I am!" Ranma boasted. "On the street. Give me some
rollerblades and I'm fine. But ice... well, ice is a bit
different. A bit. Umm. You're serious about this training
thing, right?"
"Of course."
"Alright. Hang on," Ranma said, walking in a bow-legged
manner on his skates, up to the diner bar. He ordered some ice
water, and doused himself.
Ataru popped into view, shaking his hair dry. He looked
around. "What the... oh, great."
"Ataru? Why on earth did you VOLUNTARILY--"
"Ranma, you prick!" Ataru yelled, smacking himself across
the face. "How dare you leave ME to soak up your shame when
everybody finds out you're the lousiest ice skater in the known
universe! I'm gonna get some hot water and teach you a lesson in
pain!"
"You'd vanish if you did that," Akane said flatly.
Ataru slapped his forehead. "D'oh. I hate this curse. So,
cutie, I take it you're now expecting me to humiliate myself on
the ice, ne?"
"That about sums it up," Akane smiled. Spending time with
Ataru might be fun after all, for a change!
"Well, if you're gonna have your skirt that short, you
really should wear something that matches," Ataru said, from
between her legs. "White and red are OKAY, but they don't stand
out."
Or maybe not.

*

"Help! Help! Assistance! Emergency! Aid! HELP!" Ataru
called, skating backwards across the rink, waving his arms. People
laughed at him, which made Akane all the happier. This
was one of Ranma's better ideas, really.
"You look like a fool, you know," Akane said, skating in
lazy circles around him.
"Then help me look less foolish and train me, cutie," Ataru
said between clenched teeth. "I want to kick Mikado's ass, and
that's rather hard to do if I'm going backwards."
"Oh, so you have a beef with the Golden Pair too?"
"Of course I do. We share a FEW things in common, Ranma and
I. Just not any of the important stuff..." Ataru said, reaching
out to grab onto Akane and stop himself, grabbing her butt in the
process. Akane batted his hand away, and Ataru hit the ground
painfully.
"Man, this sucks," he spat. "You're not being serious about
this at all."
"YOU'RE the one who's trying to grope me at every turn,
baka!" Akane said, bapping him across the head.
"I can't help it. It's in my nature. Ranma would WANT you
to train me seriously, ne?"
"Well, hai..."
"So come on, let's get it on. On the ice, I mean. Hmm.
Sounds interesting--"
"Ataru? Do me a favor. Don't talk," Akane said, helping
the boy up. "And if you want me to show you how to skate, you
keep your hands to yourself unless you want them cut off with my
left skate blade, got it?"
"Hey, I'm no infidel," Ataru joked. "Tough order. I'll
give it a go. Can I have one last feel before we start, for old
times' sake?"
"No," Akane said, swinging the boy out to arm's length and
spinning him around. Ataru whirled like a wind up top, Azusa
skating narrowly around him.
"Boy, your partner can really skate!" Azusa clapped. Then
Ataru crashed into the wall, and she stopped clapping.
"We're working on it," Akane admitted. "But by Saturday,
he'll be fully prepared to get K-Chan back from you!"
"Charlotte stays with widdle Azusa!" Azusa shrieked,
stomping her foot.
"That remains to be seen," Akane smiled evilly. Then a grey
blur cut in front of her, dragging her backwards slightly into a
skating dip.
"Sorry about her," Mikado said, skating forward, Akane in
his arms. "You're right, we'll see this Saturday. It will be a
remarkable challenge. By the way, you still haven't let me thank
you for helping you the other day."
"Wha?" Akane asked, the T cut off by Mikado's lips.
...
Ataru stared from his crumpled heap, as Mikado kissed Akane
deeply.
KISSED AKANE.
"YOU BASTARD!!!!" Ataru screamed, causing most of the rink
traffic to stop and give him funny looks. He scrambled up onto
his skates, glaring daggers at Mikado, who had let go of the
stunned Akane by this point.
"Problem?" Mikado asked.
"You... you complete and total BASTARD!" Ataru spat
(literally). He shook on his skates. "You kissed my cutie
Akane! I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE THAT YET!"
"I don't know who you are, boy," Mikado said, skating over
to face him, "But you have irked me. What is your name, so that
we can engrave it on your tombstone?"
"Saotome Ataru," Ataru growled. "And you're not going to
live for what you've done, got it? Akane is MY fiancee! If you
so much as CONSIDER laying another lip on her, I'll rip your
heart out and eat it!"
"Such vile words," Mikado recoiled. "Very well, my schedule
is free this afternoon. I can deal with you."
"Ataru, what are you DOING?" Akane yelled, finally
recovering from her stupor.
Ataru let out an inhuman battle cry, and launched himself at
Mikado. Not expecting such a wild attack, Mikado backed up
slightly, but not fast enough to keep Ataru from jumping on him
and doing a fairly good job of beating the top of his head flat.
Azusa skated over to pull Ataru off Mikado, but the smaller
boy lashed out and knocked Azusa away. Mikado finally peeled
Ataru off, throwing him aside. Ataru flailed around, trying to
get to his skates, but it was little use.
"Your insolence goes beyond normal techniques," Mikado said,
wiping blood off his upper lip. "The Golden Pair will have to
pacify you to prevent you from insulting other skaters in this
way. Prepare... for the DOUBLE KICK OF DEATH!"
Ataru got to his feet, fell down, got to his feet and fell
down again. Mikado and Azusa took a leisurely time skating back
to get some running room, then made a beeline for Ataru.
Ataru tried to cover his face with his hands as the pair
launched into the air in a graceful leap, intending to slam two
skate blades into his head. They never got there.
Akane plowed into the two at full speed, throwing the
icemaker Zamboni into gear and punching the throttle. The Golden
Pair was knocked away as the icemaker rumbled along. Akane let
it coast on the ice, and hopped out, grabbing Ataru while skating
for her life.
As the battered Ataru and the fleeing Akane made their way
out of the rink, the Zamboni crashed through the wall of the ice
rink and made its way down the parking lot, totalling cars in its
wake and lowering the property values of the neighborhood.
"Kawaii Zamboni!" Azusa called, starting after it. Then she
noticed her partner, in a catatonic state on the ice. She pikued
a few times cutely, and poked him.
"Why, he's out cold!" she laughed, skating over to her
backpack and fetching her Crayolas. "What an opportunity!"
The other skaters nearby grinned as well. Art in action.

*

Somewhere close by, a couple was busy eating dinner. It was
not a normal dinner; an issue was in the air, an issue which
needed to be dealt with as soon as possible.
"Ms. Noodle?" Mr. Soup asked, pausing in his eating
"Hai, Mr. Soup?" Ms. Noodle asked, looking up.
"Will you marr--"
Then the runaway Zamboni plowed through the house and landed
the pair in the hospital with a sizeable medical bill. It left a
nice shimmering trail of ice as it went along.
This really had absolutely nothing to do with the Tendos or
Saotomes, but it's still a good thing to know.

*

"More injuries?" Doctor Tofu asked, looking up. "Honestly,
Ranma, I could grow old and retire treating you."
"Not Ranma," Akane reminded, hauling Ataru's battered rear
into the clinic. "In fact, get some hot water."
The doctor nodded, and helped Akane load Ataru onto a bed
before heading off to fetch the Easy-Access Fix Ranma Kit he had
installed recently.
"That little ----ing ---- --- ---------- and
his --- ------ ---!" Ataru cursed.
"Ugh, that's really repulsive, Ataru," Akane frowned.
"Yeah, well, I mean every word of it. I can't believe that
pervert had the audacity to do that to you!"
"I would have slugged him, if you hadn't interfered," Akane
said. "Besides, you're one to talk! You're ALWAYS after me for
cheap feels and kisses and things!"
"Yeah, but there's a difference," Ataru said. "I love you,
he doesn't."
"..." Akane said.
"......" she added.
"Here's the hot water," Doctor Tofu said, pouring the kettle
on Ataru. "I made sure I kept one bed with rubber sheets, just
for Ranma. Feeling better now?"
"Much," Ranma said. He noticed the stunned expression on
Akane's face. "What?"
"You... what did you just say?"
"Me? Nothing. Oh, great, did Ataru say something
incriminating again?" Ranma scowled. "Look, I keep saying, it's
not MY fault the things he says. Don't pin his words on me."
"But..."
"I'm not THAT badly injured, doc. A bump or two, maybe,"
Ranma said. "But still, better patch it up... I need to be in
good condition for Saturday. There's no way I can let Mikado get
away with what he's done."
"You know about the...?" Akane asked.
"Of course. I know what Ataru knows, after the fact. Grrr.
Akane, yo, what's wrong? You look like someone died."

*

P-Chan tugged at Ranma's pant leg, frustrated.
"What is it, boy? Trying to say something? Did someone
fall down a well? Kasumi get pinned under the tractor?" Ranma
joked.
P-Chan gave up tugging and started biting.
"Alright, alright, hot water it is, coming right up," Ranma
said, walking to the bathroom, pig attached to his ankle. He
poured the water on P-Chan, leaving Ryouga clamped onto his ankle
by the teeth.
"Thanks," Ryouga said, in a way that showed he didn't really
mean it. Ryouga grabbed one of his outfits from under a bathroom
tile, and pulled it on. "I've got business to take care of
tonight."
"Namely?"
"I've got to go bust Kodachi out of Azusa's place," Ryouga
said.
"Why? I'm going to beat Mikado to bits on Saturday and get
her back."
"Simple. I don't trust your ability on the ice any more
than I trust mine," Ryouga said. "So, an extraction mission it
is. You want to come along? I'd ask Akane, but we've kind of
negated the possibility of her finding out who her piggies are."
"She's your pig partner in crime," Ranma shrugged. "If you
want to go get her, that's your prerogative. I'll settle for
just getting her from Mikado."
"Well, either way, she'll be back soon," Ryouga said. "Wish
me luck or I'll hit you."
"Luck," Ranma nodded. Ryouga headed out the door.
He had declined to tell Ryouga about Mikado's little
maneuver today, mostly because HE wanted a piece of Mikado before
Ryouga did anything to him first.
Of course, knowing Ryouga's directional sense, he might not
be back until Saturday.

*

Saturday rolled around when Ryouga got back.
He hadn't even found Shiratori Manor. He was convinced that
it was moving around on him, because whenever he followed
directions to get there, it was mysteriously absent. Perhaps it
was enchanted, like Brigadoon...
(It was a good thing that Ryouga never found Shiratori
Manor, actually. He would have been vaporized by the security
system within nanoseconds of entering the yard. Azusa was VERY
serious about keeping her kawaii babies safe and sound. Having a
brother who is an electronics genius and works for compact discs
helps as well.)
Whatever. Okay, perhaps he hadn't managed to rescue Kodachi
that way, but the least he could do was take Ranma's place as
Akane's partner, and win Kodachi's freedom back himself.
If Ryouga had paused to think about WHY he was doing any of
this, he might have discovered something quite shocking about his
motives. Thankfully, he did not, and continued onward in blind
faith of his goals.
He had managed to hitchhike over to the skating rink in time
for the big fight. Ryouga appreciated the value of a good ride;
you didn't have to walk a lot, and you ALWAYS got where you
wanted to go. Nobody deliberately misinformed you when you asked
for directions, like they normally did. He made up his mind to
travel by car more often.
Now, he thought, looking up at the 'TODAY ONLY : BATTLE FOR
THE CHARLOTTE CUP! GOLDEN PAIR vs. TWO COMPLETE UNKNOWNS!' sign,
I just need to find the door.

*

The crowd cheered equally for both pairs, even though they
didn't. The Golden Pair were obviously favored to win, according
to the odds Nabiki was offering the crowd, much to Akane's
disgust.
"When do we start this tango, anyway?" Ranma asked. "I'm
impatient to start kicking tail."
"Ranma, you still can barely skate. How are you planning on
doing this?" Akane asked.
"I'll find a way," Ranma stated.
"Uh-huh. Look, Ranma, just stay out of the way and let me
handle this. No need for you to go careening off into the wall
and double your doctor bill AGAIN."
"THIS IS IT! THE BATTLE FOR THE CHARLOTTE CUP!!" the
announcer on the overhead speakers cheered, crowd cheering right
alongside him.
Ranma glanced over at the 'cup'. That was Kodachi, alright,
but she seemed less active than normal. Heck, they didn't even
have her in a cage or anything. Why wasn't she running away? Nice
flower arrangement in the trophy cup, though.
"ARE YOU READY FOR FULL TILT SKATING ACTION AT ITS BEST?!"
(CHEER) "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME UNNECESSARILY VIOLENT CARNAGE?!!"
(CHEER!) "THEN LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUMMMBLLEEEE..."
"That's our cue," Akane said. "Come on."
"Wha?" Ranma said, tugged along, trying to keep upright. The
two teams charged each other, using partners as weapons;
Akane had swung Ranma out at arms length, making him quite queasy
as he spin in wide arcs. He missed Azusa and Mikado, however,
and sent Akane into a tailspin which she barely recovered from.
"You could have hit them from that distance, Ranma!" Akane
called. "I'll go around for another pass, get it right this
time!"
"Hey, why am *I* being used as the blunt instrument?" Ranma
yelled.
"Because you can't really skate, baka!"
Akane raced at the other couple, intending to clothesline
them with her and Ranma's linked arms. Azusa easily ducked under
it, lashing out a foot sweep that knocked Akane on her rear and
sent Ranma spinning into the distance.
"IT LOOKS BAD FOR THE CHALLENGING TEAM, FOLKS!" the PA
system blared, in a happy, detergent selling voice. "WILL THEY
SURVIVE? OH, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE PIG?"
"Shut up and we'll find out!" Akane yelled, shaking a fist
at the sky. Mikado scooped her up like dog poop on a sidewalk,
coasting along.
"OH NO! MIKADO GOES FOR HIS FAMOUS LIP ATTACK! IT'S PRETTY
EARLY IN THE MATCH TO BE THINKING OF SUCH THINGS, BUT THAT'S
NEVER STOPPED HIM BEFORE!" the announcer yelled.
Akane froze, stunned once more at the worst possible time.
Ranma tried to skate back in his direction, but it looked like
he'd never make it in time. The lights went out.
There were some concerned yells as the ice rink plunged into
total darkness. A thunk, a splash, and the lights went back on.
"Alright, Akane!" Ryouga yelled, standing at full height
after knocking Mikado off of her. "Let's show these two what a
REAL team can do!"
The recently splashed Ataru crashed head on into Ryouga, and
the two formed an inelastic collision that slid slowly backwards
across the ice.
"WHAT'S THIS?" the announcer asked, in a very Batmanesque
voice. "IT SEEMS THE CHALLENGING TEAM HAS SPLIT UP, AND A NEW,
ALL MALE TEAM IS IN ITS PLACE! WOW! THIS IS UNHEARD OF, FOLKS!"
"Boy and girl or boy and boy," Mikado said, "It matters not.
Azusa and I will vanquish you!"
"You twit, you got me partnered with you!" Ataru yelled,
whacking Ryouga across the top of the head.
"I was HOPING you'd go chase some skirt while Akane and I
finished this ridiculousness!" Ryouga yelled back, also
exchanging a blow.
"THIS IS A TEAM?" the announcer asked, surprised.
"Me? Chase some babe when I'm too busy bringing Mikado to
justice for kissing Akane?" Ataru asked.
"Hey, I stopped him before he could do that!"
"Not NOW, idiot. He did it last week."
Long pause.
"WHAT?!" Ryouga screamed.
"You heard me. Lip lock all the way. Nice 'n deep. Of
course, we can't let him get away with that, ne?"
"WHAT?!?!?!" Ryouga repeated.
"Bah, you're no fun, you're a broken record. Now, let's
team up and get that--" Ataru noticed Azusa skate by lazily,
watching the strange young boys fight each other. Little hearts
popped up in Ataru's eyes. "Sweeto!"
"Aieee!" Azusa yelped, skating away as Ataru made his way
haphazardly towards her. That left Ryouga to face down Mikado
alone.
"Seems it's just you and me, stranger," Mikado grinned.
"Is this true?" Ryouga asked, pointing to the resting place
where Akane had crashed into the wall. "Did you kiss... Akane?
Akane, are you okay?"
"Seems she's taken a hit to the head with that wall," Mikado
sighed. "Pity. I was so hoping to greet her in my usual way
again..."
"YOU *DID* KISS HER?"
"Yes. And this is to you...?"
Ryouga screamed with the fury of the gods themselves, and
slammed a fist into the ice. "YOU DIE TODAY, SANZENIN!!"
The ice cracked under his fist, then cracked s'more, then
cracked s'more...
And eventually split the rink in half.
The ice floes splintered away, forming tiny islands. The
announcer blathered on about this and that while the crowd
cheered. Azusa was busy beating up Ataru on a far off 'island',
while Ryouga and Mikado's islands drifted apart. Akane lie
slumped on a smaller ice floe, safe for the time being.
"You nitwit, this was a frozen swimming pool!" Mikado called
out. "You've destroyed the rink! How do you expect to fight a
proper match on this?"
"I don't care about proper anymore!" Ryouga said. "I just
want your head on a platter, you WOMANIZER!"
Much to everybody's surprise, Ryouga grabbed one of the
largest ice chunks on the rink, picked it up with ease and threw
it at Mikado.
Mikado didn't have much choice in the matter. He dove into
the water, before the gigantic slab of frozen water could have
crushed him into fine paste. Not one to be one-upped, Ryouga
started grabbing more and more ice, tossing it haphazardly like a
series of mortar rounds at Mikado whenever he came up for air.
"You can run, but you can't hide!" Ryouga called, hurling
rink bits through the air. The water rocked and rolled with
waves from all the falling ice, tipping the icebergs containing
people to the point where Azusa slid into the water, much to
Ataru's dismay.
"Honey! Come back! I never got to see what color your
panties were!" he called to the water.
"MY, IT SEEMS THAT MIKADO'S BOBBING TO THE SURFACE... GOSH,
I HOPE HE'S OKAY... BUT *WOW*, WHAT A SHOW! LET'S HEAR IT FOR
THE GOLDEN PAIR, THEY MIGHT NOT BE OUT OF THE HYPOTHERMIA WARD
FOR SOME TIME TO COME! COULD WE HAVE A MEDIC AND A DIVE TEAM ON
THE FLOOR, PLEASE?"
Ryouga panted, regaining his balance as the seas rocked. "I
got him! I got him!"
"Yo, Ryouga, good one!" Ataru said, running across the ice
floes to high five his 'partner'. "Let's get your damn pig and
run. Where's Akane?"
"She's on that floe right over..." Ryouga said, pointing to
an empty floe. "Umm."
"Oh, great, she must have slid into the water!" Ataru
yelped. "Can she swim?"
A series of bubbles came up where Akane had gone under. Both
boys stopped dead in their tracks, frozen with fear. A
stronger fear overcame initial fears, and they both dove for the
water to save her.
"Umm, Ryouga man, did you think this through?" Ataru asked,
in mid air. "I mean, I'm already in cold water form, but you..."
"Huh?" Ryouga asked, before the full horror of what he was
doing hit him in the form of the icy water.
"AKKAAANNNNWWEEeeeee..." Ryouga trailed off, piggy paddling.
He wasn't going to stop, curse or no. Akane had to be saved.

*

Ranma coughed, snuggling into the blanket the hospital had
provided him. It didn't help; he was still incredibly cold.
"She's okay, right?" he asked the doctor. "I mean, she's
just asleep, right, not in a class three coma or brain damaged or
dead or anything, right?"
Suddenly, all the beeping life support monitors they had
Akane on flatlined.
Ranma's eyes bugged out, as well as the eyes of the small
bandanna wearing piglet he was carrying. The doctor grinned
sheepishly and put the electrode back on her wrist that he had
accidentally knocked off. The monitors resumed a regular series
of beeps.
"She'll be fine, yes," the doctor said. "You're lucky you
got her out of the water when you did. Any longer and we might
have had problems."
Akane's eyes fluttered slightly, as Ranma watched intently.
"Akane? You alright?"
"R...Ranma?" she asked, wiping haze out of her eyes. "Where
am I?"
"The hospital. You had a water mishap," Ranma said. He
tossed P-Chan lightly across the room, landing him in her arms.
"Here's your pig, by the way. He dragged you to safety with his
teeth."
"Wow," Akane said, skritching P-Chan behind the ears. He
seemed to enjoy it immensely.
"We won, by the way," Ranma said, after a quick sneeze. "K-
Chan is safe and sound back home."
"I'm heeeere!!!" Kodachi announced barging through the door,
wheeling a portable IV along with her. "Where's my Ataru
darling? And that pig."
"There is no Ataru, only Ranma," Ranma reminded Kodachi. "As
for the lump of pork, he's right there."
"I heard all about the, ah, match," Kodachi said. "And I
had myself transferred into this room so I could hang around with
my good friends Ataru and Akane and P-Chan!"
"Transferred?" Akane asked.
"I had, ah, a severe allergic reaction the other day,"
Kodachi said, coughing slightly and pointing to her IV stand. "I'm
on antibiotics now so I don't get any nasty lung diseases. Say, can
I take your kawaii piggy out for a walk?"
"Oh, P-Chan? Sure," Akane said, handing the pig over to
Kodachi. "Make sure he's back in time for dinner."
"Yeah, we're having pork stir fry," Ranma said before
Akane's bedpan smacked him upside the head.

*

"That was rather foolish of you, Ryouga," Kodachi said,
passing the clothes she had brought with her to the boy.
"What was?" he asked, pulling the pants on.
"That whole affair at the rink. I saw bits and pieces of
it, whenever my allergies lessened enough for me to wake up," she
said. "Honestly. You could have just left my Ataru-kun to
handle it."
"I wouldn't trust Ataru-kun to handle tying his own shoes,
much less rescue you," Ryouga replied. "And seeing how Azusa
treated you, you're lucky I stepped in to help. And where was
Ataru when you needed him? Womanizing. I heard Azusa's going to
bring him up on charges."
"Hmph. I'm sure he would have jumped to my aid, if you
weren't in the way."
"Kodachi, he's not reliable. Heck, he's even said to your
FACE that he doesn't like you. You need a strong, reliable guy
at your side, not that wuss."
"Oh? And who would you suggest?" Kodachi asked, raising an
eyebrow.
"Well, me. I mean, someone like myself," Ryouga shrugged. "I
don't know. Someone who's strong and loyal and doesn't mind
helping with your problems. You find that kind of a person and
you're set for life, and trust me, 'Ataru' is NOT that person. He
got you cursed, for crying out loud!"
"Okay, okay, so there was that," Kodachi admitted. "But, I
mean, I can let that slide, right? So he's an irresponsible,
conniving little hentai. He's also kawaii."
"Ugh. What a repulsive thought. Ranma as Kawaii."
"His name is ATARU!"
"It's RANMA!" Ryouga insisted. "He's Saotome Ranma, and
he's a psychotic, split personalitied maniac, and he's not going
to support you or anything you try to do, and you're just going
RIGHT for self destruction if you think anything to the
otherwise!"
"Oh? YOU'RE the one who's chasing some girl you can't even
talk to as a human being!"
"How I handle my affairs isn't your business. It's mine. But
I can't sit by and watch you kid yourself like this. It's SO
obvious that Ataru isn't going to be by your side like I am."
The two paused.
"You are?" Kodachi asked.
"I mean, ah, someone like... ah... well, you know what I
mean."
"No, I don't."
"Yeah, you do, don't kid around, HEY LOOK IT'S MEL TORME!!"
Ryouga yelled, pointing. While Kodachi was distracted, he poured
a nearby bucket of janitor's soap water over his head, and
scampered off to Akane's room as fast as his hooves would carry
him.

%

"Gluttony. Gotta love it," Ataru grinned, basking in the
glow of his chocolate parfait.
"You eat like a pig, Ataru," Akane complained, taking
delicate bites from her dessert.
"No, HE eats like a pig," Ataru said, pointing to the P-Chan
on the table. "I eat like a horse. Come on, Akane, you've got
to admit these things are GOOD."
"What I don't understand is why Ranma wanted you to eat it,
and not himself. It was rather surprising to have him enter the
washroom here and jump out with brown hair..."
"Awww, the punk just can't handle a few odd looks," Ataru
said, horfing down a few more ounces of ice cream. "Not exactly
normal for males to be seen munching down sweet treats like this.
Fortunately, I care less about my reputation than he does. For a
change, I have something to thank Ranma for! How're your two
scoops?"
Akane grabbed Ataru's collar. "I SAID, no more jokes about
my breasts!"
"I meant your ice cream. Sheesh, you chicks are so
overreactive," Ataru said. "Your other two scoops are nice too,
by the way."
'And now, it's time for : Those Wacky Amazons!' a nearby TV
blared. 'A situational comedy in deepest China...'
"I'm complimenting you, you know," Ataru said. "I don't get
why you're always angry about that. Don't you like being told
you have a beautiful body? Would you hold it against me?"
"Shut up and eat your food, Ataru."
'In today's episode, Aftershave is forced to give the kiss
of death to an outsider girl who turns out to be a boy in
disguise! Special guest star Jamie Farr. Let's see what
happens...'
"Five parfaits down, five to go," Ataru said, pushing his
now empty ice cream glass aside. "Hey, can I get this cherry one
next? It looks yummy."
'But first, these messages.'
"At least I'm not using MY money for this," Akane grumbled,
digging out her purse. "Oneechan was nice enough to loan me some
funds..."
'Friends! Hungry? Strapped for cash? Why not take the
economical solution to your famine preventative needs, and stop
by for some okonomiyaki at--'
CRASH! The far wall of the restaurant caved in, rock,
drywall and plaster collapsing in a head of dust. Ataru dropped
his spoon in surprise; Akane dropped her pig.
Someone was standing in the cloud; a black patch against the
bright day sky, where the building's newest door had been made
rather forcibly. Finally the dust cleared.
"Ucchan??" Ataru gaped.
"Alright, where's Ran-chan?" the boy in the hole demanded,
pointing an oversized spatula at the crowd. He hadn't noticed
Ataru and Akane across the restaurant, given the size of the
room. "I saw him enter here. Anybody seen a guy, about this
tall, black hair, pigtail?"
"I think he went into the bathroom," a random patron said.
The spatula boy growled. "RAN-CHAN! I'm coming for you!" He
promptly ran for the men's room, kicking the door down first.
"He seems mad," Ataru commented. "That's unusual... Akane,
methinks we oughtta scram for now."
"What? Who was that?" Akane asked, gathering up P-Chan and
the remains of her ice cream beneficiary fund.
"Old friend. But I'm getting one of those primal instincts
to run and hide and I think I'd better heed nature's call. C'mon."
Ataru grabbed Akane's arm and ran for it, ignoring the
sounds of Ucchan terrorizing various customers in the bathroom.

*

"Maybe I should go talk to him," Ranma mused, poking around
his dinner with a chopstick. "I've never seen him that angry
before..."
"You still haven't explained who HE is," Akane noted.
"Ukyou is one of our old friends," Kasumi explained. "When
Ranma-kun was about six and I was nine, Happousai cleaned out his
father's all-you-can-eat okonomiyaki shop and stiffed us with the
bill. Ukyou felt sorry for us and helped us wash the dishes we
had to clean to make up the bill."
"He's a pretty nice guy," Ranma nodded. "A good chef, too. I
was hoping that we might settle down near his place instead of
leaving for yet more training... why'd we leave, anyway?"
"I'm not sure. Sensei just woke me up and told me to pack,
then we were gone," Kasumi said. "More rice, anyone?"
"Certainly!" Genma said, grabbing the rice bowl. "Ah, your
cooking is always a delight, Kasumi-chan."
"Actually, I made the rice," Kaneda grinned. The rice bowl
clattered to the table as Genma rolled around, choking and
grasping at his throat. "I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Sheesh,
pop, sometimes I don't know if it's my skill or my reputation
that makes you people hate my food... hey, Kasumi, when's the
next lesson?"
"I should have enough time tomorrow. Your preparation of
cold cereal yesterday was quite good! Even if there was too much
soy sauce."
"You put soy sauce in Lucky Charms?" Ranma gagged.
"Hey, it had every color except brown. I figured it'd help
the variety of flavor."
"I think we're straying from the topic," Ranma interjected.
"Kasumi, do you want to go visit Ucchan tomorrow? I checked the
phonebook, he's opened a store in town."
"Who's Ucchan?" Kaneda asked.
"Ranma-kun's pet name for Ukyou. Ucchan and Ran-chan,"
Kasumi explained. "They were quite good friends... hai, Ranma,
we can go tomorrow. Perhaps I'll make a welcoming gift for him."
"Hey, I'll make one!" Kaneda said. "Always a good idea to
greet newcomers to town with friendliness and food."
"We don't want to kill him, Kaneda," Ranma said.
"Hah! I've gotten better, Ranma. Wait'll you see how great
my cooking is now!"
"What, are you going to give Ukyou a bowl of Super Golden
Crisp, complete with noodles?"

*

Actually, what WAS Kaneda going to make?
He wandered around the kitchen; late at night, you
understand, since if anybody caught him going in without
supervision during the day, it'd be curtains. He wanted to make
something nice, but not too wild, but something that tasted and
looked GOOD, without puffy marshmallows and corn pops.
Kaneda didn't actually care much about impressing Ukyou, who
he had never met before. He just wanted to show up Ranma and
everybody else... especially Nabiki.
He started in his usual way, selecting ingredients and
tidbits that seemed appealing to the eye, arranging them in nice
patterns and putting the pan over an open flame for n minutes
while he read ZEN OF COOKING on the kitchen stool. When the
timer chimed, his meal was ready...
Hmm. No. It didn't LOOK special. It was just his usual,
his 'Surprise' style dish. If he wanted to make an impression,
he'd have to do something unique... unusual... DIFFERENT.
He'd follow a recipe!
That'd be a new thing for him. He always thought of recipes
as too restrictive to the pure creative flow of food, but hey,
might as well give it a shot.
Kaneda rummaged through the recipe cabinet, a place he
rarely strayed to, and looked around for something interesting.
Which book was it Akane would typically cook out of? No, that
one was thicker, wrong color, binding's different... THIS.
He pulled the thin black notebook out of the cabinet,
leafing through it. It looked quite useful... heck, it started
right off the bat with 'How to Boil Water'. Alright, we'll start
at chapter one, then work through until we find a recipe that
seems to work, he mused, getting a kettle.

*

Ranma yawned, stirring in his sleep. Morning already? Aww,
ma, I don't wanna go to school... waah...
"You don't have to, it's a weekend," Nodoka said. Oh, so
she actually WAS there, Ranma thought. "Just that you told me to
wake you up early enough so you could visit your friend..."
"I'm up, I'm up," Ranma said. "Thanks, ma."
Nodoka nodded, and slipped out of the room. Ranma rolled
over, face to face with K-Chan.
"Hey!" Ranma emitted, hopping out of bed. "I thought I told
you NOT to sneak into my bed at night."
K-Chan gave him an innocent little look, and a kawaii l'il
bwee noise. Ranma rubbed his eyes.
"Alright, go change in the bathroom if you want to," Ranma
said. "I'll wait until your done. Maybe Kasumi's got some
breakfast ready I can munch..."
K-Chan nodded, and scampered across the carpet, towards the
bathroom. Well, at least Kodachi had calmed down a bit. Before,
she'd try to do more than just sneak into bed as a pig, Ranma
thought miserably. He put on his slippers and ambled downstairs.
Something smells good... he mused, floating his way down on
the scent. Mmmmm! Breakfast...
"Mornin' bro!" Kaneda called, waving a stained kitchen
implement at him.
Ranma stopped dead in his tracks. "Kaneda? What are you
doing?"
"Cooking," he said. "Man, did you know that if you follow a
recipe, you don't get any of those little black things under the
rice? I had no idea. Wow."
"You're making us breakfast?!" Ranma said, in abject horror.
"What? No, no. I'm working on my welcoming gift for
whatsisname," Kaneda said. "I've been cooking my way through
this notebook for, oh, about... all night. It's very
informative."
"ALL NIGHT?!" Ranma exclaimed. That's it; we need to get a
door for that kitchen and padlock it.
Kaneda gave Ranma a nasty look. "Could you please show SOME
appreciation for my efforts occasionally? Besides, you're not
going to be eating this. This is for Ukya."
"Ukyou."
"Whatever."
"Kaneda, I'm not going to let you kill my friend with your
horrible cooking!"
"Since when has anybody died from my food?" Kaneda asked.
"Well, you did put Mr. Tendo into a coma a month or three
ago--"
"Fluke," Kaneda argued. "And he was only in coma for four
days. Besides, I've improved. Just ask Kasumi. Hey, Bro, can
you watch over my food and make sure nobody swipes it? I need to
go change."
"Into what, Batman?"
"No, baka, into my best clothes. Gotta make a good
impression to match my good food," Kaneda said, reaching up to
the spice rack and pulling his four foot long spork off the wall.
"What's that?"
"It's a fighting spork. Remember? This'll be the second
time I get to use it."
"You're gonna beat up Ukyou?" Ranma asked, confused.
"No, I'm going to wear it."
Ranma laughed. "You'll look really stupid, with a four foot
spoon on your back."
"It's a SPORK, not a spoon. Just watch the food, alright? Be
right back."
Kaneda wandered off. Ranma examined the covered dishes,
trying hard not to imagine the various man-made mutations of
culinary treats that might be present under the sheaths... ugh. He
didn't want to put his old friend into the hospital! He HAD
to do something, before it was too late...

*

"KASUMI! AKANE! Ready to go!?" Ranma called up the stairs.
"It's getting late!"
"Almost!" Kasumi yelled down.
Ranma loitered by the stairs. Honestly, it took those girls
so long to get ready to go anywhere... no, no, he shouldn't
complain about that. It's something Ataru might do.
A few minutes later, the travelling sideshow began to form,
first with Akane in her nicest yellow dress, then Kasumi in her
regular clothing.
"Now are we ready to go?" Ranma asked.
"Hai. Let's go see Ucchan!" Kasumi said. "It's been so
long, it'll be nice to meet him again..."
"Whoa! Wait up!" Kaneda called, darting downstairs. He was
wearing his spiffiest threads; the red sweater vest combo, some
nice trousers, and that bizarre fork thing stuck to his back via
a belt holster. "Lemme get my food."
"We'll, ah, meet you there, let's go," Ranma said, grabbing
both Akane and Kasumi by a hand and running for it. Before
either girl could protest, all three were out the door.
Kaneda raced into the kitchen, but stopped, skidding on the
cheap tile.
Every bowl was empty. Scraped clean, with a food-like mess
by the garbage disposal.
That... that...
IDIOT!!!!!
HE RUINED MY FOOD! Kaneda screamed silently, fuming in rage.
He didn't even try it to see if it was good, he just chucked a
night's worth of work down the disposal?! He dies. He dies
slowly and painfully the minute I get my hands on him...
No. That would be too easy.
"What I'm gonna do," Kaneda said to the world at large, "Is
blast his goddamn socks off with one last ULTIMATE recipe!!"
With that, he flipped around the book. Something good.
Something fast to make. Something GOOD. Found it. He ran
around the room, grabbing ingredients, following the recipe to
the letter.

*

"This would be the place," Ranma laughed. "'Ucchan's'. Cute
name for it. I guess he's still making okonomiyaki."
"Ucchan is a pretty cutesy name for a boy," Akane thought
aloud. "Kind of unusual..."
"Well, 'Ran-chan' is a pretty cutesy name for a boy as well,
but I'm not complaining. Ucchan's cool, you'll like him."
"Didn't you say Ukyou seemed mad yesterday, though?" Akane
asked.
"Oh, that... well, we'll clear that up now, I guess," Ranma
said. He knocked on the restaurant door.
The door slid open, and a hand reached out, grabbing Ranma
by the shirt. He started to say something, before being pulled
inside by the owner of the hand.
"RAN-CHAN!!" Ukyou yelled, slamming Ranma against a wall and
throttling him. "You've got some nerve coming here of all
places, you jerk!"
"Uh, hi," Akane waved. "Can we come in?"
"Certainly!" Ukyou smiled, before returning to her Demonic
Anger facial expression to deal with Ranma.
"Ucchan, hello!" Kasumi waved.
Ukyou gaped. "You too? Returning to the scene of the
crime, or rather the victim?"
"Hello," Ranma finally managed to say. "Uhh, is there
something wrong?"
"SOMETHING WRONG!?" Ukyou bellowed, whamming Ranma against
the wall a few more times, just for kicks. "You left me behind,
you baka!"
"Ebbe?" Ranma burbled. Ukyou finally let go, letting Ranma
fall to the floor.
"I was all set to go, too. Packed and everything. Then
what happens? You and your HENTAI sensei run off without me, but
WITH my father's yatai! You ruined his business, and you ruined
my life!" Ukyou accused.
"Have we come at a bad time?" Akane asked.
"Oh, I remember now!" Kasumi said, pleased. "We did leave
on a cart of some kind, I think... an okonomiyaki cart. Sensei
said your father gave it to us."
"Yeah, sure, as a bribe so you'd take me with you," Ukyou
said. "Or rather, it was a dowry. He had it all set up in
advance... the wedding would be this year. He used his last
favors from the Yakuza to arrange a glorious ceremony, complete
with catering by the finest chefs in the northern hemisphere, and
music by the London Philharmonic Orchestra. He spent every dime
he had in preparation, and when you decided to take off without
me, he had nothing left. So now, for my father, and for myself,
and for my family honor, I must now kill you. And your sensei
Happousai."
"Kill me? Wedding? Huh? What?" Ranma babbled. "Look, I
don't know what I did, but I didn't mean it! I swear it! There
was an earthquake, a terrible flood! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"
Ukyou reached behind her back, unhooking a large metal
object Ranma now recognized to be an enormous spatula. She
reared back, ready to slash out and hit Ranma... only to have
Kasumi grab onto the spatula handle, weighing it down.
"I'm sure we can work something out without anybody getting
hurt!" Kasumi claimed, hanging onto the spatula as Ukyou tried to
shake her off.
"You're just as responsible as he is!" Ukyou growled,
brawling with Kasumi over control of the spatula. "All three of
you! Where is your sensei, anyway? I want a piece of him!"
Ranma joined the fray for the spatula as well, same with
Akane. Eventually, all four were tugging for it, making for an
unusual sight when Kaneda wandered in.
"Is this some kind of new dance?" he asked, balancing the
stack of dishes he was carrying.
"Kaneda! Stop Ukyou!" Ranma yelled. "He's trying to kill
us!"
Kaneda peered into the tangle of combatants. "He's the one
in white?"
"YES!" Ranma called out.
"That's not a he, it's a she," Kaneda informed them.
All four paused, hands in mid grasp of the mega-spatula.
"NANI?" the three non-Ukyous chimed in with.
"What, isn't it obvious?" Kaneda asked. "Ukyou's a she, not
a he. By the way, I like the spatula. Swiss, right?"
"Uhh... yeah," Ukyou replied, too dazed to continue
fighting. "I paid 20000 for it."
"I brought you a Welcome to Town gift," Kaneda smiles,
setting the various dishes down. "Okonomiyaki. It was the
fastest thing I could make, since RANMA stuffed my previous feast
down the sink..."
"Ucchan... she... is he... huh?" Ranma babbled. The four
broke up from the fight as Ukyou pushed through to meet Kaneda.
"Who are you, anyway?" Ukyou asked.
"Saotome Kaneda," Kaneda addressed, bowing. "That baka's
brother. That's still a great spatula, you know. You look very
kawaii with it..."
"I do?" Ukyou asked.
"Yeah. I think a larger than life kitchen tool really
highlights a woman's natural beauty," he joked.
"I, ah..." Ukyou started and stopped, twiddling her fingers.
"Umm, thanks. Okonomiyaki, you say?"
"Yeah. It's not much, I'm afraid, but Ranma ditched the
feast I was going to bring. I hope you don't mind."
"No... okonomiyaki is okay..." Ukyou burbled, in a bit of a
daze. She examined the top dish, removing its covering, and
tried a bite.
"NOOOOOOO!!!" Ranma called. "Don't eat it! You'll die!"
Kaneda smashed Ranma over the head with his spork, and
whacked him once on the ground to keep him there. "Don't mind
him. Give it a try."
"It's... it's..." Ukyou stammered, swallowing. Gulp. "It's
quite good!"
"Oh, Kaneda-kun!" Kasumi cheered, applauding wildly. "I
KNEW you had it in you!"
"Good?" Akane asked, gaping. "Wow."
"Anyway, sorry if I interrupted the party," Kaneda said. "Just
go back to whatever you were doing. I've got muffins in
the oven."
With that, he promptly turned around and left.
"'bye," Ukyou waved.
"Are you going to attack me again?" Ranma asked.
"Not right now," Ukyou said.
"Oh. Good."
"Here," she said, handing him a nearby okonomiyaki. "A
letter of challenge."
"This is food, Ucchan."
"Not the pancake, baka, the sauce!" Ukyou said, bapping
Ranma over the head. "Read what I wrote in the sauce. I
challenge you to a fight to restore my family's honor, this
Thursday, here at Ucchan's. Now, unless you're planning on
buying lunch, get out of my restaurant."
"I think we've overstayed our welcome, hai," Akane said,
nudging Ranma to the door, who was too busy staring at the letter
of challenge, scrawled in Ucchan's handwriting on the
okonomiyaki. "Come along, everybody."

*

Kaneda tossed his stone, getting it to skip four times back
and forth across the pond.
"Alright! Four skip. Your turn," he said. "Hey, you ought
to put that in saran wrap or something. It's gonna go bad."
Ranma looked up from the okonomiyaki he was holding. "Hmm?
Oh. I don't think I'm going to eat it... that wouldn't be right.
I'm mostly worried about this message..."
"So she wants a fight. You've fought people before, it's
practically your favorite hobby. Well, that and collecting
injuries."
"But this is UCCHAN," Ranma insisted. "I mean, you know,
good 'ol Ucchan, best buddy Ucchan, friends for life Ucchan...
who apparently is a... girl?"
"I can't believe you didn't know," Kaneda said, skipping a
three-skipper across the pond, before one of the carp ate it. "It's
so obvious. She's pretty cute."
"I never noticed, no..." Ranma mumbled. "This turns my
definition of gender roles completely on its ear, you know. I
mean me and Ucchan were like THIS before. I was never told she
was a girl..."
"So why aren't you friends now, anyway?" Kaneda said.
Ranma sighed. "Happousai."
"Ah. Ye Olde Freake. What'd he do this time to screw up
your life?"
"Apparently, he engaged me off to Ucchan. HE knew about her
gender... and then he took the dowry, her father's yatai and
ran," Ranma spat. "We never knew, Kasumi and I. I remembered
Ucchan running after us yelling something, but I just waved... I
had no clue..."
"And now she wants your figgin toasted," Kaneda nodded. "Oy.
That is a situation. Well, you just pound her into the
dirt and you're safe, right?"
"I can't hit a girl!" Ranma protested. "It's... it's not
right!"
"Whoa. Hold up. I thought you hit Kodachi and Akane all
the time."
"How closely do you look? It's always me, escaping THEM,
and being hit by THEM. I can't fight girls. It's not proper."
"Ah, so groping them is okay."
"THAT'S NOT M--"
"Relax, I know, I know," Kaneda laughed. "Still, that is a
fix. Can't you just call off the fight? I mean, she's a nice
girl, I don't want to see her get beaten up either..."
"Maybe there is a way," Ranma shrugged. "Somehow to win
this and satisfy her anger without hurting her..."
"You know any, whatsit, ultimate moves?" Kaneda asked. "Stuff
that'll disable in a single blow without hurting her?"
"Well, I SORT OF know one," Ranma laughed. "Actually, Ataru
knows it, not me. Happy's 'Glomp of Death'. Unfortunately,
that's a move that has the capability of killing instantly, if
you don't do it right... if you do it right, it can ALMOST kill.
No, it's too risky. I don't want to hurt Ucchan that badly."
"Darn. Maybe if you borrowed some of Kodachi's sleep
stuff?"
"She hangs onto that powder like the plague. Maybe she'd
give it to her dear Ataru-darling, but I don't think he'd want to
stick around near her long enough to get it... Ugh, this is NOT
looking good. You know, with this kind of luck, maybe Shampoo'll
show next week."
"I don't see how hair care products come into this."
"No, it's--"
"Ranma-kun! Kaneda-chan! Dinner!" Nabiki called from the
dining room. "We're having okonomiyaki tonight."
Kaneda nodded, and got up. "Coming, Ranma?"
"Naah," Ranma said. "I'll skip dinner tonight."
"WHAT? Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?
Ranma would never miss a meal!"
"Call it a first," Ranma said. "Go eat, I'll be fine."
"Alright. Ranma, I'll see what I can do to help you, I
promise," Kaneda said. "After all, you're starting to get ME
depressed now. Maybe I can do something to stop this fight."

*

Ukyou paused in her evening training ritual, panting.
She had already destroyed six of the ten Ran-chan shaped
dummies she was using for practice. No need to push it and trash
ALL of them before she could have access to the real thing.
Ukyou wasn't expecting to see Ran-chan so soon after she
arrived in town. She had the challenge letter prepared to
deliver, then finally see him on Thursday, kill him and go home.
She was lucky her family still owned this branch of her father's
restaurant chain, for her to base operations out of... 80% of the
other branches had to be sold to cover the family's losses on her
ill fated wedding. Maybe it wasn't the best of the Ucchan's
chain... it still had cobwebs from disuse, and the chairs looked
like they were stolen from twelve different living rooms, but it
was a place to stay.
That was the plan, at least. Show up, challenge, kill him
and go. It didn't make room for complications, say, having Ran-
chan's sensei be missing or having his brother be...
NO. She had a mission here. Besides, she gave up on boys a
long time ago, after seeing that their entire gender was flawed
and worthless. Heck, she even masqueraded as a boy, to avoid
them screwing her over like Ran-chan had... HOW on earth did that
Kaneda boy see through her disguise? She wasn't that beautiful,
like he had said she was, so it couldn't have been that, ne?
Well, whatever. It didn't matter that they found out her
secret, because Ran-chan would be destroyed come Thursday anyway.
She kicked out at her training dummy, snapping it in half. He
might've been her friend once, but now, he had to be the enemy.
Knock Knock! the door went. Ukyou looked up; oh, yes, she
had closed the restaurant for the evening so she could train.
"Sorry, we're closed!" she called out. "Come again
tomorrow!"
"Ukyou, yo, it's Kaneda," Kaneda called, behind several
layers of wood, paper and glass. "Got a few moments?"
"Oh! Kaneda," Ukyou called, hopping to her feet and heading
to the door. She opened it, and let the boy inside. "I wanted
to thank you for lunch today. It was quite good okonomiyaki...
for an amateur, of course."
"Thanks," Kaneda grinned. "I followed the recipe pretty
closely. Look, I wanted to talk to you about my bro's little
problem here--"
Ukyou lost her smile. "Speaking on Ran-chan's behalf now?"
"I don't think you know the whole story," Kaneda said. "Kasumi
and Ranma were telling me today... you knew him way back
when, ne?"
"Hai, that's right. BEFORE my life crumbled around me."
"Yeeek, was it that bad?"
"More than you can imagine!"
"Uhh... okay. Anyway," Kaneda said, steering the
conversation away from that thread, "Turns out that Happousai
never told them about the engagement, and decided to swipe the
yatai. They weren't informed of anything other than your father
giving the yatai to them."
"What, so you're saying this is all their freaky little
sensei's fault? Come on, that's too easy."
"Exactly! Nice and easy. Now there's no need to go
disembowelling Ranma, right?"
"Kaneda, I appreciate you being nice to me, but... I can't
back out on this fight. I promised my father I'd avenge our
family name," Ukyou said. "And that can only be done by either
punishing Ranma, or getting him to fulfill that promise and have
him marry me."
Kaneda winced. "I doubt he'd go for that. He's got this
thing about arranged marriages. He's got one already to that
other girl who was here, Akane."
"He what?" Ukyou asked.
"Blame our parents. I guess they didn't tell Happousai
before Ranma and Kasumi left on their life long journey... Ranma
and Akane were engaged after Ranma was born. They've vowed not
to get married, of course, just to cheese pop off, but it still
makes it hard for them to try and get along."
"Wow..."
"Yeah, wow. So, Ranma needs to marry you or die, huh? Pretty
extreme results. Do you even want him to marry you?"
"What? No! I mean, well... it would get rid of the
problem," Ukyou noted, "But he's still my old bud Ran-chan, good
'ol friend Ran-chan, etc... It's a nasty situation either way..."
"So you don't want to fight him?"
"No!" Ukyou said. "I mean, yes. Well... don't you have any
easier questions than that?"
"Not really, no."
"Rats. Look, he's an old friend, yes. But I don't have a
choice. Either it's to the grave or to the altar with him."
"And you'd be willing to murder him or marry him if the time
came, right?"
"Of course. That's what I've been training for."
"I mean when the time comes, Ukyou. You'd be all set to
take his life away? To kill someone?"
Ukyou started to speak, but failed to say anything.
"I didn't think so. You're too nice a girl to become a
homicidal maniac," Kaneda smiled, perhaps the only forgivable
time in the japanese language to smile on the words 'homicidal
maniac'.
"Will you stop calling me that?" Ukyou asked, desperate to
change topics.
"What, a maniac?"
"No, a nice girl. I gave up on acting like a girl a LONG
time ago," Ukyou said, crossing her arms in defiance.
"Oy. That's a shame," Kaneda sulked. "I think you'd be
really good at it. You're cute enough, and you've got the right
personality to play the part... but if you want to be a murder, I
guess you can do that part too. It's your life, your choice."
Kaneda started to leave the restaurant, leaving a speechless
and wide eyed Ukyou behind. He paused, remembering something,
and fished around his pocket. "By the way... I made you this a
little while earlier. I didn't put the right amount of sugar on
those okonomiyaki and figured this would make up for it..."
He tossed a small, tissue-paper wrapped object on a table
near Ukyou, and exited the restaurant, welcome bell dinging away
as he left.
Ukyou fingered the object, unwrapping the paper. It was a
little sugar cookie, in the shape of a spatula, with a tiny
cinnamon heart embedded in the dough.
How kawaii! she thought, munching it. He's a nice boy...
for a Saotome, that is. She'd have to think over what he said. She
realized, for the first time, that she wasn't really looking
forward to Thursday anymore.
Ukyou gagged violently.
"And this is the WORST cookie I've ever eaten!" she blurted,
coughing up crumbs.

*

"Maybe the paprika and oysters in the dough were a bit
much," Kaneda mused, on his way home. "Oh well."

*

Monday turned into Tuesday, and Tuesday into Wednesday. Both
reluctant combatants trained to the max; Akane assisting
Ranma (much to his disgust) and Kaneda begging to assist Ukyou
(much to her discomfort.)
"You shouldn't be do this, Kaneda-chan," Ukyou said, setting
up another training dummy. "I can't let you help train me."
"Why?" Kaneda asked, steadying the dummy. He didn't react
in the slightest to the -chan modifier.
"Because I'm training to kill your brother! Don't you see a
conflict of interest here?"
"Awww, I don't think you'll kill him," Kaneda said. "At
least, I'm hoping you won't. You could MOSTLY kill him. He's
had that done so often to him, I'm sure he's used to it by now."
Ukyou sighed. "Look, you've been egging me all week, trying
to get me to give this up. I can't."
"Come on, be a sport. Maim my brother. It's just as fun as
killing him and it'll hurt him bad enough to avenge your family.
Okay?"
"Maim? You're ENCOURAGING me to maim your brother?" Ukyou
asked, shocked.
"Compared to the alternative? Yes. Please, Ucchan? Promise
me you'll just kick his ass MOST of the way?"
"I can't promise that!"
"Pretty please?"
"NO!"
"Pretty please with okonomiyaki on top?"
"Kaneda-chan, no."
"Pretty please with okonomiyaki on top and sugar sprinkles
with just a TOUCH of lemon."
"But--"
"Pretty please with okonomiyaki on top, sugar sprinkles, a
TOUCH of lemon and a scoop of strawberry ice cream!"
"Ugh. I can hear the cavities forming already."
"So is it a promise?" Kaneda asked. "Ucchan. Please. It'd
make everybody happier in the end. You know that you don't
really want to kill your friend."
Ukyou sighed, caving like Mt. Saint Helens. "Alright,
alright. I promise to maim your brother."
"Yatta!" Kaneda cheered, waving a pair of fans. "Alright,
let's train you 'till you can severely harm Ranma!"
"You're weird, you know that, right?"
"A-yup," Kaneda grinned, in a half-deranged, half-playful
way.
"Good," Ukyou smiled. "Alright, where do we start?"

*

"It's official," Kaneda said, wandering into the dojo, after
wiping his forehead. "Ucchan is going to cripple you!"
"That's great!" Ranma cheered, doing a quick dance of joy
with his brother. "Man, that takes a load of worry off my mind."
Akane stared at the two in disbelief. "Crippling is GOOD?"
"Well, considering the alternative," Ranma and Kaneda
shrugged, in stereo.
"I have a silly idea. WHY don't we teach you how not to get
crippled?" Akane said, pointing to Ranma. "Just because she's
agreed not to kill you doesn't mean you can't get hurt."
"You're right. I figure I can work on my dodging and
blocking, run her down, and have that be that. I might not need
to hurt her any."
"This is going to be a very strange fight," Kaneda
commented. "What're Nabiki's current odds?"
"3 to 1, favoring Ukyou," Ranma grumbled.
"Oh well. So you're gonna get nearly killed Thursday! Things
could be much worse. These are happy times. I think I'll
go cook something for Ucchan. 'scuze."
Kaneda wandered out of the dojo, Call of the Kitchen in his
veins. Ranma blinked.
"I think he has a thing for Ukyou," Akane said.
"Yeah, I guess," Ranma said.
"Jealous?"
"Me? No way. Ucchan's just this old friend," Ranma
shrugged. "I mean... I didn't even know she was female until
recently... whatever. Let's train."

*

A crowd had gathered outside Ucchan's on Thursday, itching
to see some carnage. There hadn't been a proper fight in this
town since that fiasco at the ice rink, and the population was
due for another good brawl sooner or later.
The fight was going to take place on a gigantic okonomiyaki
griddle, flown in for just such an occasion.
"Who ordered this?" Ukyou asked, pointing to the griddle as
it was unloaded from the Wide Load truck that carried it into
Tokyo.
"I've got an order signed Kuonji," the driver said. "Delivery
scheduled for Thursday morning, so we're right on time. Sign here,
please."
"Must have been father," Ukyou said, singing. "Delivering
my favorite arena, the family griddle, for my fight. That's
sweet of him. Thank you."
"No prob," the man said, tipping his hat. "Do you want us
to turn it on? Looks like the generator'll need some hookin'
up..."
Ukyou considered this. Normally, the griddle would be on
full power, providing the added challenge of fighting without
truly touching the ground... naah. She didn't want to give Ran-
chan third degree burns after she had beaten him to the ground.
"Leave it off for now."
"Ucchan! Yo!" Ranma called, wandering up with his entire
family and adoptive family. He was smiling widely. "Ready for
our fight?"
"In a minute, Ran-chan!" Ukyou called, waving back to him. "I
couldn't have picked a lovelier day for a fight. The birds
are chirping, the sun is shining, the clouds are white and
fluffy, and my dad is exiting that taxi."
Ukyou paused, backtracking a bit to her last statement. Dad?
DAD?! HERE?
"Ucchan. Greetings," her father nodded gravely, wandering
to her side. "I see you received the griddle. I thought it only
appropriate, since the blood of Kuonji enemies must only be
spilled upon the sacred arena..."
"Dad. What a surprise," Ukyou grinned through clenched
teeth. "Umm, what brings you here?"
"Ah, nothing would satisfy me more than to watch my little
girl crush the one responsible for the decline of our family!" he
smiled, patting Ukyou on the head. "Don't mind me, Ukyou-chan.
Feel free to walk over there and kill him at your leisure."
"Uhh... dad, about that 'kill' part--"
"I'll just stay in the front row and observe. Just pretend
I'm not here," he recommended, taking a nearby seat.
Ukyou panicked. This was horrible! Her father had come to
watch... he was expecting her to vanquish Ran-chan, and now that
he was so close by, he could object when she fulfilled Kaneda's
promise...
The day suddenly looked less lovely.

*

The fight raged on for a half hour, Ukyou putting up a wild
offense of slashes, whacks and swipes with her spatula. Ranma
managed to block most of them, or dodge, which is what dragged
the battle out so long.
"Something's wrong," Akane said.
"I know. This popcorn isn't very good," Kaneda noted,
spitting out an unpopped kernel. "Ucchan can cook better than
this."
"No, not the refreshments. I mean the fight. I was
figuring that Ranma would either let her get him, or she'd go
easy on him... that they'd want it over quickly. Plus, they
seemed so social before. Now look."
Kaneda sat back and observed. Hmmm. Ukyou DID seem a bit
wired... teeth gritted, sweating madly as she gave it her all to
hurt Ranma. Ranma seemed genuinely afraid; he was still putting
up a good defense, but it was more spastic, dodging, twisting and
turning to get away from Ukyou.
"She really gets into her work, I guess," Kaneda guessed.
"I, too am wondering why this battle has lasted so long," a
voice next to them said. "Hello. I'm Mr. Kuonji."
"Hello, sir," Kaneda bowed.
"It is unusual. It is as if both fighters are holding
back," the elder Kuonji said. "I could understand that uncouth
boy Ranma being afraid, but my daughter surely could have
destroyed him sooner than this."
"Oh. Umm," Kaneda said. "I... take it you're looking
forward to Ranma's demise?"
"Oh, certainly! It's only fair, considering what his false
engagement has done to me. I'm quite looking forward to it."
Kaneda grinned stupidly and nodded, quietly leaning over
towards Akane. "Psst," he whispered to her. "This could be bad.
If he re-convinced or intimidated Ukyou to really kill Ranma,
he's in for it."
"I'd better warn him," Akane said.
"Akane, no, you might--"
"RANMA!" Akane yelled. "LOOK OUT! SHE'S GOING TO REALLY
TRY AND KILL YOU!"
"Huh?" Ranma said, turning to face Akane and getting a
spatula in the back.
"--distract him," Kaneda finished.
Ukyou took advantage of the hole in Ranma's defenses,
gliding in on him like a hydrogen bomb. In a flurry of swipes
with her spatulas, big and little, Ranma was sliced, diced,
bruised, battered and thrown across the griddle, with
considerably more leaks on his body than he had two minutes ago.
"Finally!" Mr. Kuonji shouted, getting to his feet. "Now,
Ukyou! FINISH HIM!"
"Ucchan, you promised!" Kaneda called, getting his feet as
well.
Ukyou ignored both of them, charging Ranma, spatula raised
high to stab down at him. The crowd watched, waiting for the
beheading so they could applaud the victor, or waiting in terror
at the concept of Ranma being killed... she approached, stopped,
and prepared to slam it down like a guillotine blade, to finish
this stupid fight, so she could go back home, so her father
wouldn't be ashamed of her...
And slammed the blade of the spatula into the space two
inches to the left of Ranma's neck.
"Medic," Ranma coughed, before fainting from shock.
"Ukyou, what are you doing?" Mr. Kuonji asked. "You HAD
him!"
"It's over," Ukyou said, leaving the spatula embedded in the
griddle, next to Ranma. "I won. Let's go home."
"But you didn't take him out!"
"I don't HAVE to, dad! He's hurt enough. Our family honor
is avenged. I won't murder him."
"Alright!" Kaneda cheered. "She only maimed him! Let's
hear it for Ucchan!"
"Finish him, or you won't be ALLOWED home," Ukyou's father
said. It wasn't a demand, or a request; it was a statement of
fact.
"Oeeerr," Kaneda trailed off.
"Fine. Then I'll stay here," Ukyou said. "Go home, dad. Take
the griddle with you."
"I'm serious, Ukyou. If you don't complete your task, you
will not be welcome home," Dad repeated, wondering why his
daughter was rebelling.
"I said LEAVE!" Ukyou shouted back. "Get out of here! I
won't kill him, no matter what you say! Go away!"
With that, Ukyou ran back inside Ucchan's, slamming the door
behind her so hard that the glass shattered.

*

"Ucchan?" Kaneda called softly, looking through the door
within a door created by Ukyou's entrance into the restaurant. He
peered around, but couldn't see her inside the darkened
restaurant. He could hear a noise, but that was it.
He carefully turned the doorknob and entered, both to stay
quiet and to keep from stepping on broken glass. He picked his
way through the dim restaurant, past tables, towards the source
of the noise.
Which was Ukyou, in the kitchen, crying in the corner.
"Everybody's leaving," Kaneda recapped for her. "Ranma's
headed off to the clinic for some R&R, and your dad took a
taxi..."
"Kaneda-chan, please, just go away for now," Ukyou begged.
"You did the right thing, Ucchan."
"I know, I know... but it cost me a lot... I'm banished. I'll
never see my family again..."
"Come on, I'm sure the old man will realize he was wrong
after he calms down," Kaneda smiled softly.
"You don't know my father," Ukyou said, sniffling. "That's
it. I don't have a family anymore. I don't have anything left.
Just a dilapidated, rusty family restaurant in some far off city
I'm alone in..."
"You still have your friends, Ucchan. Ranma, Akane,
Kasumi... and you have me," he said, sitting beside her.
Ukyou nodded, leaning slightly on Kaneda.
"You're never alone, Ucchan," Kaneda said, fishing out a
hanky for her from his apron. "You did the right thing today,
and we're thankful for that. If you ever need anything, you know
we're here... and if you want to, I can try talking to your
dad..."
"No, no, I'll call him when he gets home," Ukyou said. "Maybe
I can figure something out with him... I hope. I'm stuck
here for now, though."
"Is that so bad?"
"No... no, not really."
Kaneda hesitated, then placed an arm around Ukyou's
shoulder. She didn't mind.

*

"Go ahead," Akane said.
"Go ahead and what? OW!"
"Ranma, hold still," Tofu said, holding Ranma down. "If I
don't apply this to all your cuts, you could get an infection."
"Go ahead and yell at me for distracting you in the fight.
Don't worry, you're entitled to," Akane said.
"Oh, that," Ranma replied. "Don't worry. I was getting
tired anyway... she would have gotten me eventually. I'm just
glad she didn't go all the way and kill me."
"You have Kaneda to thank for that, for convincing her not
to."
"Naaah... I don't think she would have, anyway. I think.
How's Ucchan doing, anyway?"
"She and Kaneda are fixing up Ucchan's, so she can open full
time," Akane replied. "She's going to try and make a living
running it instead of going back."
"That's good. Ask her to drop by sometime during visiting
houOWWWW!!"
"Sorry, slipped," Doctor Tofu admitted.

%

Thunder cracked across the sky.
"Don't tell me you said it AGAIN," Nabiki laughed.
"Well, it's true," Kaneda said. "I mean, life is good.
Ranma's back from yet another clinic stay, better than ever, and
he's actually getting along with Akane to an extent. Ucchan's is
doing quite a good business. Kunou's gone easy on us in terms of
ambushes and attacks. Life is sunshine and roses, what could
possibly go wrong?"
KRAK-KATHOOM!
"Stop saying that! It'll just being around bad luck!"
Nabiki asked, taking on a serious tone.
"I don't believe in luck or fate. Bring 'em on! Nothing
could possibly go wrong now!" Kaneda laughed.
"Maybe I should move out now and avoid the hassle of packing
while doom overruns us," Nabiki shrugged. "By the way, I own
Park Place. You owe me 100,000,000 yen."
"I really hate this game," Kaneda grumbled, counting what
was left of his money. "I hope Ranma's doing better than I am."

*

Meanwhile, over at the Weekly Ucchan's Poker Tournament,
Ranma was counting his money while he was sitting at the table,
because he didn't know there'd be time for counting when the
dealing's done.
"I hate this game," Ranma grumbled, turning some of his
cards over so they were right side up. He blinked when he
noticed they were still upside down after this.
"That's just because you're losing, Ran-chan," Ukyou noted.
"Cheer up! Nobody's luck can be that bad forever. I call."
"Two of a kind," Akane said, laying out a pair of jacks.
"Zilch," Ranma grumbled, tossing down his cards.
"Three of a kind, aces," Ukyou grinned. "I love this game."
"Hey, wait a sec," Akane said, stopping Ukyou before she
could collect the chips. "Ranma doesn't have zilch."
"What? None of the cards are alike," Ranma said, pointing
to his four of hears, five of hearts, six of clubs, seven of
diamonds and eight of spades.
"Yeah, but they're all in a row. I think that's a run or a
straight or something. Whatever it is, it beats three of a
kind."
"See?" Ukyou said. "Your luck's coming about, Ran-chan. I
bet you'll beat the pants off us yet."
"We're not playing strip poker."
"It's a figure of speech. I doubt I'd let Ataru play with
us for that reason, though," Ukyou said, pushing the chips over
to Ranma's pile.
Ranma examined the newly augmented cash pile. "Heh. Must
be my lucky day."
The wall to the left of them bulged, and collapsed into a
pile of bricks and mortar filling. The trio jumped from their
chairs, taking cover.
"KASSUUMMIIIII!!" the girl cried out, charging into the
room. "Where Kasumi? You hide? Shampoo see her come this way!"
"Sha, sha, sha, SHAMPOO!?" Ranma gaped.
"Shampoo want Kasumi, not you, strange boy," the purple
haired girl said, pointing a large curved mace at him. "You tell
Shampoo where Kasumi go now!"
"Did someone call?" Kasumi asked, peeking out from Ucchan's
kitchen. "The lemonade will be ready shor--"
"KASUMI! DIE!" Shampoo shouted, charging the kitchen door.
Kasumi quickly feinted back, and dove between Shampoo's legs as
she charged in.
Shampoo spun around a few times, but couldn't see her.
"Ah, Kasumi went that way," Akane said, pointing to the new
second door to Ucchan's.
Shampoo growled. "She no escape Shampoo!" she called, and
hopped off the poker table and Ranma's head on her way out the
wall, never to be seen again until sometime later.
"Ow," Ranma said, rubbing his head. "Kasumi, you okay?"
"Fine!" she said, crawling out from a hiding place under the
sink. "Oh my. Shampoo found us again..."
"Whoa! Hold it! Stop the music!" Akane called, forming a
Time Out signal with her hands. "Who's Shampoo? Another
mysterious visitor from your dark and secret past, Ranma?"
"Ah, so you know this story already," Ranma joked, before
realizing it was no joking matter. "Here's what happened..."

*

Picture the village of the Chinese Amazons. No, not that
cheeseball sitcom, Those Wacky Amazons, where all the huts are
superdeformed and painted over in pastel colors. These are HUTS.
Real straw and mud numbers. When it comes to frills, the amazons
tend to cut them up with small knives and go with a simplistic
housing approach.
It's a business as usual day. They had just wrapped up the
yearly tournament of champions, which, as usual, Shampoo had won.
She always wins, of course, because she's the strongest. The one
the other villagers look up to.
That kind of status can really inflate the ego. And each
year, after the contest, her ego would grow to a size that
rivaled her bonbori. This is the main reason why she even
considered letting that gaijin boy get near her.
Ah, a fan, was her first impulse upon seeing the brown-
haired, drooling boy charge at her. On any other day she might
have attacked him on sight for rushing her, but now she just
assumed he'd want an autograph or someth--
GLOMP.
"AIYA!" Shampoo yelled, as the boy clamped himself like a
striking cobra to her body, causing the two to fall over and roll
around a bit on the ground.
"Sweeto!" he said, some sort of gaijin battle cry,
obviously. He said a few other words she couldn't understand and
grabbed her in all sorts of really private places.
After a few moments of this, she decided : Fan or not, he is
going to have to be hurt very badly. She peeled the boy off her
body and proceeded to bash his skull in.
This is the reason why she never noticed the boy's companion
until the woman had managed to knock her unconscious.

*

"I didn't want to hurt her," Kasumi said, "But she WAS
hurting Ranma rather badly."
"Hurting Ataru, correction. I myself would not be glomping
people I've never met before. Or anybody, for that matter."
"Hai, your curse is kind of annoying that way," Ukyou
nodded, who had been introduced to Ataru the hard way a week or
two back.
"Anyway," Ranma continued, "Since Shampoo didn't finish
killing me, I was around to see the villagers gather around us,
whispering things. Our guide translated them as stuff like 'wow,
she won' and 'shampoo lost' and 'this is very unusual.' After a
minute of this, Shampoo got up, walked over to Kasumi and kissed
her."
"What?" Ukyou exclaimed, dropping her cards.
"No, no, on the cheek," Ranma said, poking his own cheek to
demonstrate. "Lucky for us, it was a kiss of death. If an
outsider beats an amazon, they get a death mark and have to be
hunted down. Shampoo managed to tail us and attack at least once
a day for most of our trip out of China... looks like she made
her way to Japan, at last."
"So this crazy Chinese maniac wants to kill Kasumi? How
many assassins did you two pick up on your jaunt to China,
Ranma?"
"Well, let's see... Ryouga and Kodachi, but they've calmed
down a little, even if I have to beat sense into Ryouga
occasionally... Ukyou awhile before that... and Shampoo. That's
should be it," Ranma said. "On the bright side, once Shampoo is
dealt with, no more problems will be creeping up!"
"Baka, I was joking! Argh. So now what?" Akane asked. "Would
Shampoo know enough Japanese for Kaneda to work his
diplomatic magic and talk her down?"
"Unlikely. She didn't know any when we were in China, and
it doesn't look like she's very fluent now," Kasumi said. "Oh
my... I hope she doesn't cause too much trouble..."

*

"Come on, Nabiki, spot me another loan. I'll let you have
my little top hat."
"Sorry, Kaneda, but that marker has a very bad market value.
Pewter isn't worth much nowadays."
Kaneda groaned. "I can't believe I passed up poker at
Ucchan's for this. Well, it looks like you win. Again. What a
surprise."
"Kaneda-chan, it's not if you win or lose, it's if you win!"
Nabiki said, raking in her hotel bill, Kaneda's last yen.
"Don't call me Kaneda-chan!"
"Ukyou calls you that all the time," Nabiki smiled.
"Ah, well, see, that's different," Kaneda blurted, blushing
slightly.
"Uh-huh."
DING DONG!
"Go see who's at the door," Nabiki said, not bothering to
add in a please or thank you.
Kaneda grumbled, heading over to the front door. Before he
could reach it, the door was knocked off its hinges as Shampoo
walked through the portal without bothering to open it.
"Nihao!" she waved. "Kasumi home?"
"Err, no," Kaneda said. "But she's due back soon. Who're
you?"
"Name Shampoo!" Shampoo said. "Who you?"
"Kaneda. Anyway, you can wait here, if you want."
"Shampoo wait," Shampoo nodded. "What with funny bits of
colored paper and odd square thing on table?"
"Just a game, and a bad one at that," Kaneda said. "We just
finished."
"What, no second round?" Nabiki laughed. "Come on, Kaneda.
It's just like that football Lucy keeps jerking away. You know
you want to take a swing at it."
"Oh, alright," Kaneda said.
"Shampoo play too!"
"Uh..."
"SHAMPOO PLAY TOO!" she said, pulling out one of her
bonbori. "Shampoo no like *boring* waiting."
"Okay!" Kaneda said. "The customer with the big round thing
on a stick is always right..."

*

"You on little square call Park Place," Shampoo said. "That
bad. With lots little red things that mean you give Shampoo lots
paper, yes?"
"How... how...?" Nabiki said. "I'm BANKRUPT! HOW?!"
"Shampoo always win," she grinned.
"Hey, that's fine with me!" Kaneda said, practically rolling
over with laughter. "I like your style, Shampoo. Let's buy out
all of Nabiki's property with a joint venture to add insult to
injury."
"Nani?" Shampoo blinked.
"Umm, let's take everything she has," he summarized.
"Okay!" Shampoo nodded. "We give Nabiki lots paper things
and you give over cards so Nabiki keep playing, yes?"
"What kind of a deal is that?" Nabiki asked. "You'd own it
all."
"That's why it's called Monopoly, Beek," Kaneda grinned
evilly.
"Kasumi late late," Shampoo noted, looking at her wrist
sundial. "She normally not show before sun go down?"
"No, not normally," Kaneda said, gathering all Nabiki's
titles under the glorious name of ShampKanedCo. "In fact--"
Kasumi looked in through the front do... hole. "Oh my," she
said, inspecting the damage. "Did someone have an accident?"
"Kasumi!" Shampoo yelped, jumping to her feet. She quickly
bowed to Nabiki. "Good game. Must play again soon, it fun.
Kasumi! Die!"
Shampoo pulled a large curved sword out of nowhere, and
charged. Kasumi skittered inside, and away from the blade, but
Ranma wasn't so lucky.
"Wha?" he said, wandering into the house to face a charging
Shampoo. Akane quickly pulled him out of the way of the whirling
blade as Shampoo raced past. Ranma peered inside nervously as
the two raced upstairs.
"What's going on in there?" Akane asked, petting P-Chan.
"Looks like Shampoo stopped by," Ranma said.
"Yeah, and it was great! She beat Nabiki at her own game!"
Kaneda grinned. "Heh, heh, heh. Umm. Why is she chasing Kasumi
now?"
"She's trying to kill her!" Ranma exclaimed. "We've got to
do something. Where are they now?"
"GET OUT OF OUR WAY!!" Kasumi yelled, dashing down the
stairs, Shampoo in hot pursuit. Shampoo made a few slashes at
Kasumi, succeeding only in severing a couple units of furniture,
which fell to pieces like a jigsaw puzzle with all the little
knobby parts removed.
"They're outside now," Kaneda said. "Ooog. That wall will
never be the same... or that fence... or those bushes... or--"
"Can't Kasumi just, like, beat Shampoo up?" Nabiki
suggested. "Nothing the little 'businesswoman' doesn't
deserve..."
"HELP!" Kasumi called.
"DIE!" Shampoo called.
"I think that's an affirmative no. Argh. I'll handle
this," Ranma said.
"Bro, don't put yourself at risk like that! We just got you
BACK from the hospital! I'll do it," Kaneda offered.
"She's my sister. I should be the one to rescue her," Akane
said. "I'm a martial artist too, you know."
"The longer you argue, the more likely we'll get sliced
Kasumi for dinner tomorrow," Nabiki reminded them.
"ARGH!" Ranma yelled. "I'm sick of all these people showing
up to kill me and Kasumi! Let's just end this here and now
instead of running! I want some water. Cold!"
"Huh?" Nabiki went.
"Forget it, I'll get it myself," Ranma said, stomping off to
the kitchen. There was a quick SPLASH!, and a dripping Ataru
walked out.
"Okay, where's the chick I'm supposed to deal with?" Ataru
asked.
All three present pointed out to the yard.
"Got it," Ataru nodded. "NOBODY just waltzes in here and
tries to whack Oneechan, even if they are curvy and gorgeous. Outta
my way."
"Whoa, not-quite-bro, you don't mean you're gonna try--"
"Yes, Kaneda, the ultimate move."
"Isn't that incredibly dangerous?"
"So's she," Ataru reasoned, walking outside.
He watched the two girls chase each other around in circles,
measuring up their relative sized. He checked his trajectory,
the wind speed and direction, the current temperature, the angle
of slant to the earth, his running traction, ki level, and
distance to the target. Calculated some quick physics equations
to finish the preparations, and launched.
"ANYTHING GOES ULTIMATE ATTACK!" he shouted, racing across
the yard like the Concord, bushes bending in his wake and falling
back when the shockwave blasted them. Arm outstretched in the
position of the scorpion, he called out, "GLOMP OF DEATH!"
"Nani?" Shampoo went, turning her head as she ran nearby.
Ataru slammed into Shampoo like a sixteen ton weight, the
two flying through the air and into a nearby wall, Ataru fixed
around her chest, nuzzled perfectly between her breasts. The
wall collapsed as the pair formed a really unusual looking hole
in it, and landed with a halt on the other side.
The family members panicked, and dashed across the dojo lot,
over to the hole in the wall. On the other side, amidst the
rubble, was Shampoo, eyes rolling around independently in her
sockets while Ataru cuddled.
"Oh my," Kasumi catch-phrased.
"Wheee!" Ataru grinned, looking up. "I wanna do that
again!"
"She's not dead, is she?" Nabiki asked.
"Naaaah. I made sure I didn't set the move on 'cut in
half'. Check this babe out, man! She's a dreamboat!" Ataru
beamed. "Today... I am the luckiest man... on the face of the
earth."
"Good. Maybe you'd better get off her, before she wakes up
and decides to kill you," Akane recommended, with a nasty sting
in her voice.
"Eh?"
"SHE'S GONNA GIVE YOU THE KISS OF DEATH, BAKA!" Akane
stomped. "You just set yourself up for the same fate Kasumi has!
Good job, you pervert."
"Well, if I die now, I'll be a happy man," Ataru said,
cuddling with the out-cold Shampoo a little more. "Ah. Bliss."
"I get the feeling that a lot of us are gonna get death
marks just from protecting Ataru and Kasumi," Kaneda said. "Man,
having an amazon around really bites."
"Guys, maybe we ought to run. She's coming around," Nabiki
said, pointing to Shampoo, whose eyes were no longer spinning
quite so fast.
"Running would be advisable," Kaneda said. "Last one
upstairs behind a locked door is a rotten okonomiyaki."
Nabiki, Kaneda made a break for it. Akane stayed long
enough to say, "Good luck fighting her off, Ataru. If you live,
go upstairs, I'll be adding more locks to the doors." She split
as well, carrying P-Chan along.
"Yoo hoo! Honey buns! Wakey wakey," Ataru said, playing
with Shampoo's hair. Then he kissed her.
"AIYAAAA!!!!" Shampoo screamed, snapping awake. She grabbed
Ataru and slammed him against what was left of the nearby wall.
"HENTAI!"
"mhmph," Ataru replied.
Realization struck Shampoo like the Hand of God.
This... this HENTAI... had beaten her!
He defeated her in combat!
OH NO!
"Shampoo life ruined!" Shampoo wailed. "Shampoo have to
marry freak boy!"
"Wha?" Ataru asked, peeling himself off the wall.
"By tribal village law, what outsider who is male who defeat
amazon must MARRY amazon!" Shampoo said, breaking into a Full
Soun Tendo Cry(tm). "Shampoo is beaten by ecchi loon who defeat
Shampoo by hugging to death! This too too awful"
"Alright! I'm getting married!" Ataru applauded.
"Shampoo rather be buried alive than marry hentai!" Shampoo
bellowed.
"Nyah nyah! You have to!" Ataru said, making a face. "Wow,
what a wife you'll make! Come on, let's hit the sack together,
I'm tired."
"NOOOOOOO!!!" Shampoo yelled, running back into the house,
Ataru in hot pursuit, little hearts in his eyes.

*

Kaneda was busy hammering boards over his door when Shampoo
kicked the door down, barricades and all.
"Yow!" he managed, before the door crushed him. Shampoo
bounced off the door, then picked it up and beat it back into
place with her maces. She grabbed Kaneda and shook him back to
life.
"Kaneda hide Shampoo now!" she demanded. "Save Shampoo from
freak boy!"
"Grrhgl?" Kaneda offered, becoming the second Saotome to
babble incoherently that evening.
"Shampoo no want to marry pervert ecchi hentai maniac freak
loon! You hide Shampoo and make pervert go away!"
"Who, Ataru?"
"Whatever name is, he evil! Save Shampoo from evil!"
Shampoo begged, hiding behind Kaneda.
"Uhh... okay," Kaneda agreed.
"Shampoo thank Kaneda person. Where Shampoo hide?"
"Um, get under the bed or something," Kaneda said. "What's
this about marriage?"
Shampoo explained it.
"Whoa," was his response.
"Help me, Kaneda person, you Shampoo's only hope!"
"Why don't you just kick his ass?" Kaneda asked.
"Shampoo no allowed to kill husband! It worse than... worse
than... really really bad thing!"
"Alright, alright, stay under the bed and I'll handle this,"
Kaneda said. He unpried the door from its frame, and quickly
went to the bathroom to get a bucket of hot water.
"CUTIE HONEY BUNS!" Ataru called, wandering upstairs. "Come
on, your hubby's hungry and wants dinner!"
"Hey!" Kaneda called, getting Ataru's attention. He quickly
splashed Ataru with the water.
"Gurgle!" Ranma went. "Thpbbbt. Thanks. Aw, man... that
was BIZARRE."
"So Ataru beat Shampoo, and now they're wedlocked?" Kaneda
asked. "That's not good."
"Well, Ataru likes it... and as long as Shampoo never finds
out about the curse, I don't care. Where is she now?"
"Cowering under my bed. I think Ataru really scared the
bejeezus out of her," Kaneda said, setting the bucket aside.
"Well, good. See if you can get her to leave. Ataru and
Ranma are rather worn out from their fun little Glomp of Death
maneuver and could use a nap now," Ranma said. "Nighty night,
bro."
Kaneda nodded, headed back into his room and closed...
err... put the door back up. "Shampoo? It's safe. Ataru's
gone."
"Really?" Shampoo asked, peeking out from under the bed.
"Shampoo safe?"
"Certainly. So, go on home, or to wherever you're staying
in Tokyo," Kaneda said. "He won't bug you."
"Shampoo no have place to stay."
"You what?"
"Kaneda person deaf?"
"No, no, you're currently homeless?" Kaneda said.
"Shampoo stay with Kaneda! Kaneda make Ataru demon go away
and keep Shampoo safe! Kaneda POWERFUL person."
"Well, you can't stay in my room," Kaneda said. "Hmmm.
Alright, I'd suggest just crashing on the couch downstairs. I'll
explain it to everybody in the morning. Only no killing Kasumi
tonight, okay? We're all tired."
"Hai. Shampoo grant Kasumi one more night to live because
Shampoo tired too," Shampoo nodded. "Baibai!"
With that, she walked out the (closed) door once more,
causing it to splinter and collapse for the last time.
Kaneda shrugged, got into his pajamas and crawled into bed.

*

The sun rose the next day and crashed into the Earth,
killing everybody.
No! Not entirely true. The sun just rose, as it normally
does, without crashing. The Tendo household woke slowly from the
uneasy night, and assumed normal Saturday morning activities.
Ranma, for example, was watching cartoons.
"YEAH! Take that, Negaduck!" he cheered, munching on his
Lucky Charms.
"Scoot over, I want to watch Sailor Moon," Akane insisted.
"Ugh. You're kidding. Come on, watch this, it's more
entertaining."
"What, a duck crimefighter? How ridiculous."
"Not as ridiculous as a sailor suited girl that defeats
demons with love," Ranma mocked.
"We need a tie breaker here. Nabiki?" Akane called.
"Nabiki went out shopping," Kasumi called from the kitchen.
"Alright, Kaneda?"
"Kaneda's still asleep."
"Knock Knock," Ukyou called. "I'd actually knock, but your
door is missing for some reason... oh, a doorbell." DING DONG!
"Come on in, Ukyou," Akane said. "Here, break this tie. I
want to watch Sailor Moon and Ranma wants to watch this badly
dubbed american garbage. Which would YOU rather see?"
"Hey, that's not a bad show," Ukyou said. "But you're
right, the dubbing is terrible..."
"Ah! Ucchan's decided. We watch this," Ranma said.
"Baka, she said it was bad!"
Ukyou took the remote while the two were arguing, and
flipped over to YAN CAN COOK.
"This is much better," she said, leaving them speechless as
she went off to look for Kaneda.
It should be pointed out that Shampoo was at no time on the
couch during this exchange.

*

"Kaneda-chan!" Ukyou called, exploring the upstairs hallway.
"It's a nice day outside! Let's go on a picnic! I packed a..."
Ukyou stopped short of the shredded wheat that was Kaneda's
door, and her jaw dropped when she looked inside.
Kaneda was still sleeping. The strange part was the purple
haired Chinese girl snuggled up next to him under the covers.
"Mmmm," the girl hummed in her sleep, scootching closer to
Kanedajust to make the situation look worse. (Although that
probably wasn't her intention.)
"KANEDA-CHAN!" Ukyou gasped, dropping her picnic basket.
"Whoa I'm awake I'm awake I studied for the test honest!"
Kaneda rambled, bolting awake. "Oh, Ucchan. Hello."
"You seem to have developed a growth," Ukyou said coldly,
pointing to Shampoo.
"I have? YAAAA!" Kaneda exclaimed, hopping out of bed. "What
the--?"
"Goodbye," Ukyou said, leaving, without bothering to get her
basket.
"Whoa, whoa, Ucchan, it's not what you think," Kaneda said,
picking his way across the ruins of his door to follow Ukyou. "She
must have crawled in while I was out! She was just gonna
crash on the couch for the night, she didn't have anywhere else
to go--"
"Kaneda? I don't want to hear about it," Ukyou said,
turning around to pinch Kaneda's lips shut. "It's none of my
business what tawdry, lust-driven things you do with that bimbo
who tried to KILL Kasumi, by the way. I'll just be going."
"Ucchan, please, let me explain!" Kaneda begged.
"Why should I care?" Ukyou asked, turning around to flash
him the COLDEST of smiles. "It's not like I have any business in
your love life. Oh no, not Ucchan. Once again, and this time I
mean it, GOODBYE."
She slugged Kaneda one to emphasize this point, then headed
downstairs, straight out the door and off into the sunset. Err,
sunrise.
"Ow," Kaneda said, rather belatedly.
"Shampoo sleep like log!" Shampoo exclaimed, stretching.
"Kaneda bed far warmer than rock hard old cold couch."
"Yeah, whatever," Kaneda said, absentmindedly. "Excuse me."
Kaneda walked back into his room, grabbed a chunk of wood
and slammed it against the frame, just so he could say he slammed
his door. Shampoo shrugged, and headed downstairs, seeking
breakfast.

*

"Nihao!" Shampoo called. "Nihao, Akane. Nihao, Ranma. "Ni...
KASUMI!"
"Oh dear," Kasumi said, dropping her cereal bowl.
"DIE!" Shampoo yelled, once again obtaining her bonbori from
somewhere. Kasumi took off at a cheetah's speed, evading attacks
as Shampoo chased her around the room.
"This cooking show is boring," Akane commented.
"Yeah, but those two running around are far more
entertaining," Ranma said, munching his cereal. "Okay, it looks
like Shampoo is still around. Now what?"
"Well, we could try this," Akane said, dumping her cold
cereal on Ranma's head.
"Mmm, marshmallows," Ataru said, picking them out of his
hair. "Yum. I like the purple ones myself. Hey, speaking of
purple... HONEY!"
Shampoo skidded to a halt, eyes going WIDE at the sight of
Ataru. "Aiya! It Ataru devil!"
The chase resumed, only in the other direction, with Ataru
circling around the room in pursuit of Shampoo. Kasumi wandered
over to the TV to join Akane.
"The situation hasn't improved much," Kasumi noted. "Hmmm.
What to do about this..."
"Well, on the bright side, she's not killing you at the
moment. Want some of my cereal?"
"Certainly, Akane-chan."
"HONEY!!!!"
"AIYA!!"
Kasumi and Akane weren't the only ones watching the floor
show, however.
"She's right, this entertaining," Ryouga laughed, watching
from the top of the stairs, eating his cereal.
"Hmph. That hussy thinks she's going to marry MY Ataru
darling, does she?" Kodachi sneered. "I spit upon her claim! It
holds no water. Hmm. Why is she running away like that?"
"I have this funny feeling she doesn't like Ataru very much.
I can see why."
"What's there not to like about him?"
"Hmmm. Putting aside the letch factor, he's also selfish,
self-absorbed, greedy, on a perpetual sugar high and generally a
very annoying little man," Ryouga said. "AND a letch."
"You could only DREAM of being as manly as he, Ryouga,"
Kodachi smiled.
"WHAT? I'll have you know I'm six times the man he is!"
Ryouga said, putting down his bowl.
"Prove it," Kodachi said.
Ryouga grabbed his bowl, took a few more munches to finish
it and drink up the milk, then tossed the bowl in an arc that
ended up with it CLANGGGGing off Ataru's head. Ataru collapsed
like a sack of potatoes. Shampoo stopped running, and sat down
to catch her breath.
"It was an easy throw," Kodachi shrugged.
"Hey, I could do that from fifty paces. No, a hundred. Let
me try. Oh, let me try."
"Some other time, Ryouga-kun."
"Foo."

*

Meanwhile, across town, Kaneda was pounding on a door.
"Ucchan, come on, let me in. I'm sorry! I didn't do
anything... but I'm sorry!"
"Go away, Kaneda-chan! We're closed!"
"I'll let you hit me. Repeatedly."
"Don't you remember? I'm not mad about this. It's not my
business."
"Actually, this is your business, Ucchan. You own the
restaurant."
"That's not what I meant!" Ukyou yelled. "Don't be cracking
jokes at a time like this, baka!"
"Well, you're obviously mad about SOMETHING, and I'm
guessing it's Shampoo's little stunt. I've got your picnic
basket. Come on, be a sport and lemme in."
"No dice."
Kaneda sighed. He didn't want to have to do this, but
hey... he reached in through the broken window on the door,
twisted the knob and opened it.
Ukyou stared right through the back of his head. "You have
ten seconds to leave before I call the cops, and nine seconds
before I beat you within an inch of your life. One."
"I didn't do anything! She snuck into the bed!"
"Two."
"I swear it to be true, cross my heart and hope to die."
"Interesting choice of words. Three."
"Please?"
"Four."
"Come on, don't be mad!"
"Six."
"WHAT HAPPENED TO FIVE?"
"Seven."
"This isn't fair!"
"Eight."
"Ucchan, I love you!"
"Ni...." Ukyou trailed off. "Repeat that."
"I said I love you. Please don't kill me."
"Uhh... you're just saying that."
"If I'm dishonest, may lighting strike me down and kill me,"
Kaneda vowed.
"There's no storm outside, how's lightning going to hit
you?" Ukyou asked.
"Then I'll say it! I swear to god, I'll say it!" Kaneda
proclaimed.
"Wait... NO! KANEDA-CHAN, DON'T!"
"Ahem. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!?!?" Kaneda yelled,
turning around to shout it out the window. "NOTHING COULD
POSSIBLY GO WRONG NOW! DO YOU HEAR ME, WORLD? NOTHING!!"
Thunder did not roll.
"And lo, no lightning," Kaneda said, returning to face
Ukyou. "Now do you believe me?"
"H... hai..." Ukyou said, stunned.
"Good. Boy, am I glad to get that off my chest. Why don't
we--"
Ukyou jumped him, kissing him hard, and the scene faded out
with violins and cymbals crashing and other fun things.

*

"EEEEECHHIIIIII!!!" Shampoo yelled, ripping Ataru off her
lips and smashing the dining room table over his head.
"Honey buns...." Ataru mumbled, before collapsing.
"Shampoo getting sick of this!" Shampoo said, jumping up and
down on the table (and Ataru). "Shampoo need find way get RID of
Ataru forever!"
"So kill him," Akane suggested, half joking.
"Shampoo no can kill husband, as much as Shampoo want to,"
Shampoo growled.
"Well, if you keep jumping on the table like that, you're
going to..."
Shampoo quickly hopped off the table, and pulled it off
Ataru, setting it down right side up. "Ataru? You no hurt?"
"Only my pride, baby," Ataru said, attaching himself to
Shampoo's chest again.
Shampoo threw him across the room. "LEAVE SHAMPOO ALONE!"
"Don't you remember?" Ataru said, bounding off the wall and
landing on his feet. "I'm married to you by law now. You know,
they say married life ties you down and makes you discontented. Not
so. I'm enjoying it. So where's my lunch, woman?"
Shampoo sighed. "Shampoo no fight anymore... Shampoo have
no choice. Must take husband back to China and wed. Poor, poor
Shampoo..."
"Wait, take him with you?" Akane said, getting serious. That
would mean taking Ranma, too...
"Hai," Shampoo nodded sadly. "A sad sad fate for
Shampoo..."
"A glad glad fate for Ataru," Ataru grinned. "Okay, let's
go. Where's China, anyway? Do they have big soft beds and lots
and lots of--"
"You can't do that!" Akane said. "He belongs here."
"It tribal law!" Shampoo said, on verge of tears. "This bad
situation, but only way out of. Shampoo so sad!"
"Ahem."
All heads swiveled to Nabiki.
"I officially declare negotiations open," she said, sitting
at the dining room table. "I'll bill you later, of course, but
let's work at the problem for now. Kasumi, could you come out
here? I have an idea. Ataru, you and the little wife come over
here too."
Ataru scooped Shampoo into his arms, ran over and deposited
the stunned girl at the table. Kasumi sat down as well, weary of
Shampoo lunging at her, but Shampoo was too busy batting away
Ataru's hands to pull out a weapon.
"Now, as I understand the situation, we have two problems
here," Nabiki said. "Let's think of both of them as tangible
objects, to make things easier."
"Tangy?" Shampoo asked, confused. "Ataru quit grabbing
those!"
"Like... say this fork is your death mark on Kasumi," Nabiki
said, grabbing said utensil off the floor, where it had been
dumped earlier from the table. "Shampoo, take the fork, because
it's your obligation to kill Kasumi, not ours. And let's say
this spoon is Ataru's obligation to marry you. Ataru, take the
spoon."
"Ataru takes the spoon. Check," he nodded, grabbing the
silverware.
"Now. Shampoo, wouldn't you like to see Ataru give up that
spoon?" Nabiki said.
"Shampoo no understand. What spoon have to do with
marriage?"
"Alright, forget the metaphor. You don't want him for a
husband, but he has the right to marry you now due to law, yes?"
"Hai, this true."
"And Kasumi doesn't want you to kill her, yes?"
"That's true as well," Kasumi nodded.
"Ataru. It's all in your hands. If you are willing to give
up your right to marry Shampoo, Shampoo will give up her right to
kill Kasumi. How's that sound?"
"You no can do that!" Shampoo said. "There no precedent in
law for that!"
"If there's no precedent, then you can set one, right
Shampoo?" Nabiki smiled.
"Well..."
"Look at it this way. Set the precedent or you get to wake
up to THAT face every morning, every day, every week, every
month, every year until you DIE."
Ataru smiled helpfully at Shampoo, a strand of drool
dangling from his lips. His eyes spoke of nothing resembling
care and understanding.
"Precedent good. Shampoo LIKE precedent," Shampoo said.
"Ataru give up on Shampoo now, yes?"
"Awwww, but I wanted to marry her!" Ataru whined, glomping
on to Shampoo in a non-fatal way. "She's so kawaii and wonderful
and if I don't see her nude soon I might explode."
"Aiya..." Shampoo exclaimed, horrified at the thought. (The
thought of Ataru exploding or her exposing herself to Ataru, more
likely the latter.)
"Ataru, if you don't go along with this, she'll kill
Kasumi," Nabiki said. "Do you want to see that happen?"
"Well... uh..." Ataru said. "I mean... Kasumi, you can take
care of yourself, right?"
"Not every day, no. I'm afraid chances are Shampoo will get
the better of me at least once, and that's all she needs," Kasumi
replied.
"Awww, come on! You're all trying to ruin my fun! Me? Give
up this adorable l'il moppet, who I'll legally be allowed to
be with every day without the cops complaining?"
"And have her kill oneechan," Nabiki reminded.
"That's entrapment. Waah. Oh... alright. Sheesh. You
people are such stick-in-the-muds. I'll give Shampoo-chan up for
Kasumi. Hmph."
"YAAAY!!!" Shampoo cheered, hopping up and down for joy.
"Kasumi, go free and make nice nice, Shampoo going home without
horrible Ataru! Have hard time explaining to great grandmother,
but have harder time explaining bringing horrible monster into
amazon gene pool..."
"Eh, whatever," Ataru dismissed. "I guess I'm cool with it.
After all, we all know who I really want."
"Who?" Kasumi asked.
"My lovely Akane-chan!" he grinned, zipping across the room
like an arrow and latching onto Akane, who was still watching
television. He managed to get a better look at the picture tube
when his head was pushed through it.

%

"That's eighteen stitches, all done," Doctor Tofu said,
closing up his surgery kit.
"And once again, good triumphs over evil, Ataru gets beaten
up by Akane and I get the short end of the stick," Ranma sighed.
"Sorry," Akane apologized. "But... well... you know..."
"Yeah, I know. It's okay, Akane. Doc, have you found a
cure YET? Ataru is really becoming a nuisance..."
Doctor Tofu paused, considering the question. "I... no. No
cure."
"Why the pause, then? Come on, doc, if you have a lead,
spit it out..."
"It was more of a thought than a lead," Doctor Tofu said.
"See... if you want to simplify things, you could say that Ranma
is possessed by the spirit of Ataru. Demonically possessed. I
was thinking, well, perhaps we could exorcise him."
"An exorcism? What, Ranma's going to start vomiting soup
and having his head spin?" Akane asked.
"It was just a passing thought," Doctor Tofu said. "But it
might merit looking into. I'll do some research. It would help
if we had an expert in Jusenkyo around... what little info I can
find out about it doesn't seem to be of any use."
"An expert?" Ranma asked. "Hmmm..."

*

"Jusenkyo?" Shampoo asked, half tugged, half led into the
clinic. "Shampoo no understand. Why for Akane and Ranma drag
Shampoo from airport? Shampoo no know anybody here who have
local curse..."
"But you do know about Jusenkyo, right?" Ranma asked. "I
mean, your tribe uses it for training. I think. I hope."
"Hai, we do... also for many other thing, like helping
village out," Shampoo said. "Many curse not very bad and in fact
help village. Since original Village of Jusenkyo take big hike,
Shampoo village decide to use pools..."
"You're Shampoo, right?" Doctor Tofu asked.
"Hai. I Shampoo. Shampoo have flight in three hour,
Shampoo need be on plane to escape horrible Ataru..."
"This'll only take a little while, Shampoo," the doctor
said, getting out a notepad. "See, we have this friend At.. ah..."
Doctor Tofu examined the wild hand signals Akane and Ranma
gave behind Shampoo's back, and retracted that statement. "We
have this friend," he continued, "With a Jusenkyo curse, and we'd
like to cure him."
"That easy. Go to pool of human and dunk," Shampoo
suggested.
"Ah, but it's not a body curse. It's a body and MIND
curse."
"Hmmm. Those hard. Shampoo wish great grandmother here,
she know more..." Shampoo said, thinking hard. "How get rid of
body and mind curse..."
"Is there a way to exorcise it out of him?" Tofu asked.
"What exor... aiya! Shampoo know that word!" Shampoo
nodded. "There way, Shampoo think. Shampoo know procedure!
There way to get cursed body and mind out of normal body and
destroy. Here, Shampoo write down procedure and then go to plane
before it take off!"
Tofu nodded, and handed the pad and pen to Shampoo. Shampoo
began madly scribbling, using her warrior's dexterity to scribble
at 90 WPM, flipping page after page as the pen smoked slightly.
When done, she tossed the pen and paper at Tofu.
"All done! Shampoo go now. Shampoo thank friends for
getting big bad Ataru leave Shampoo alone!" she smiled, waving.
"Baibai, Ranma! Baibai, Akane!"
"Be seeing you," Ranma nodded as the amazon exited stage
left. "Alright! We've got the cure! Fire up the exorwhatsits
and let's get cracking."
"We've got a problem, Ranma," Tofu said, examining Shampoo's
notes. "She wrote the procedure in Chinese."

*

"ARGH!" Ranma yelled, tossing a chair across the room in
frustration.
"It's just a few more days, Ranma," Akane rationalized.
"Doctor Tofu will have that translated soon, and then we can
finally get rid of Ataru once and for all."
"I know, I know," Ranma said. "I'm just itching to get rid
of my evil twin, that's all. I can wait. I can wait. I can
wait. I can't wait! ARGH! I wanna get rid of that bastard
NOW!"
"Quit yelling!" Akane demanded. "You'll annoy the
neighbors. Now, let's just find a way to pass the time... isn't
it poker night?"
"Ucchan canceled," Ranma said. "She said she'd be busy,
going out somewhere with Kaneda."
"Okay, that's out. How about Monopoly?"
"Nabiki threw it out. She said she'd never be able to beat
Shampoo's skill, and is going to stick to playing Life. I'd
suggest Twister, but that'd be something Ataru would enjoy more."
"He is pretty enamored with me, yeah," Akane nodded, without
any negative emotions in her voice whatsoever.
Ranma stopped. "You say that as if you don't mind."
"What? Of course I mind! Ataru's a pervert and three
quarters... but I dunno, I guess the attention is nice."
"If you wanted that kind of attention, why not just give in
to Kunou, or all those boys? Oh, wait, they gave up awhile back.
The boys, at least..."
"That's not what I mean," Akane said. "Whatever, it was a
slip of the tongue, forget I said it."
"Hey, if you want, you could fulfil dad's promise and marry
a Saotome. Just that he'd be named Ataru," Ranma laughed,
getting a faceful of the chair he had previously thrown.
"I don't want to marry ATARU, you jerk!" Akane shouted. "He's
AWFUL. You're easier to live with than he is."
"Yeah, but we're not getting married. Remember? We
promised," Ranma reminded.
"Oh. Yeah. Look, can we talk about something else?" Akane
asked. "This isn't a good way to pass the time either."
"Alright, agreed. Hmmm. Up for playing Super Famicom?"
Ranma suggested.
Akane thought for a minute. "Ranma, what did Doctor Tofu
say would happen to Ataru, exactly, once we exorcise him?"
"Huh? Oh. Basically, Ataru's spirit is shunted back into
the Jusenkyo pool he came from."
"So it'll kill Ataru?"
"Akane, Ataru isn't a person. He's a personali... Umm...
think of him more like a demon," Ranma suggested. "Like we're
extracting a tapeworm. We'll be better off once he's gone,
right?"
"I guess so..."
"Try not to think about it," Ranma said, patting Akane on
the shoulder. "The sooner we get this over with, the easier
it'll be on us."
"Ataru darling!" a voice upstairs called, as a recently
dampened Kodachi raced downstairs, physically turning Ranma
around to face her. "What's this about getting RID of my
darling? How dare you even consider that, Ranma?"
"He's on his way out the door, Kodachi. Deal with it,"
Ranma said. "Besides, he's never liked you."
"My Ataru is just shy, that's all," Kodachi said. "Always
trying to get away from me, chase other women... he's playing
hard to get because he's too afraid to let me know his true
feelings."
"No, actually, he hates you," Ranma said.
"He does not!"
"Does too. You scare him. He experiences raw, pure fear
whenever he's around you, and he hates you because of it. He'd
rather you left him alone and go away," Ranma said flatly.
"How... HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL?" Kodachi asked. She
reared back, and slapped Ranma across the cheek. "No! I don't
believe it. I want to hear this from darling himself!"
"Alright. Akane, water. We'll see about setting the record
straight before Ataru goes the way of the dodo," Ranma nodded.
"You'll see, Saotome Ranma! Ohohohohohohho! You're WRONG. My
Ataru loves me and you know it, you're just trying to keep us
apart."
"Your water," Akane said, passing the glass to Ranma.
"I'm going to try and confuse Ataru a bit before he
arrives," Ranma said. "I'll turn and face Akane. Kodachi, stay
behind me. Akane, ask Ataru about his feelings for Kodachi. He
won't know she's behind me, and without Kodachi to intimidate,
he'll speak the truth."
"Sounds reasonable," Kodachi said. "You'll eat your words,
Ranma, just watch."
Ranma turned around, faced Akane, and deliberately unhinged
his mind with a few blows to the head. Once he was sufficiently
dazed, he splashed the water in his face.
"Hey, Ataru, what do you think of Kodachi?" Akane asked.
Ataru reeled slightly, trying to stabilize. "Huh? Her?
Scary. Very scary."
"Do you hate her?" Akane asked.
"You could say that, yeah. She creeps me out, man. Why do
you ask?" Ataru inquired.
"DARLING!!!!" Kodachi growled, grabbing Ataru and spinning
him around again. Ataru stared up, jacklighted by Kodachi's
eyes, realizing he was about to die. "DARLING NO BAKA!"
Kodachi slapped Ataru twenty times, then ran upstairs,
crying. Just to confuse Ataru even more, Akane poured hot water
on him.
After all, we don't want him running away before we can
exorcise him, Akane thought. He might object to his own dea...
removal.

*

"WAAAAH!!" Kodachi cried, rubbing at her eyes as she jogged
to Ranma's room. She collapsed on the bed in a dejected heap,
saturating his pillow.
P-Chan, who was snoozing in the other room, heard the
commotion and quickly darted to the bathroom to tap into the hot
water pipe with pig-access nozzle Ranma had set up for him. He
changed into his clothes, and raced to Kodachi's side.
"What happened? What happened?" he repeated, over and over.
"Ataru hates me! My darling would rather I die! My life is
over!" Kodachi sobbed wildly. "I'll never win his heart, never
never never never! I'm doomed to dreary schoolgirl existence
until I drop dead and rot! Oh, boo hoo!"
"That bastard!" Ryouga said, slamming a fist into his palm. He
bared his fangs. "I'll kill him!"
"Killing darling won't make him love me," Kodachi said,
wiping her nose on Ranma's pillow.
"See? I told you! I told you he was no good for you,
Kodachi-chan," Ryouga said. "And now what has he done? He
abandoned you, just like I said!"
"Hai... that baka... *SNOORRKK*," Kodachi snorked, blowing
her nose on Ranma's quilt.
Ryouga sat on the bed, letting Kodachi ruin his own clothes
instead of Ranma's bed. She proceeded to leak fluid out of at
least two orifices onto his shirt. "I guess I was foolish to
ever think that there'd be a Mister Right for me, Ryouga-kun,"
Kodachi continued. "Woe is me."
"Kodachi? I..." Ryouga said, not completing the sentence. "I
just... I want you to know I'll be here for you, at least."
Kodachi looked up. "Really, Ryouga-kun?"
"Really," he nodded. "You deserve someone better than that
fink Ranma, and his equally finkish Ataru side."
"Arigato, Ryouga. I appreciate it," Kodachi said, sighing.
"Could you do me a little favor?"
"Hai, anything, Kodachi-san!" Ryouga said, getting to his
feet.
"Go skin my former darling alive," Kodachi said. "I'd do
it, but I know you'd enjoy it far more."
"Your wish is my command. SAOTOME RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!"
Ryouga screamed, running out the door and downstairs. The sounds
of combat drifted upstairs, soothing Kodachi's headache. She
smiled. Ah, the lovely tones of pain.

*

"Ah, Akane, good timing!" Tofu said, closing his Japanese-
Chinese dictionary. "I just got this translated."
"Actually, we're here because Ranma got beaten up again,"
she said, propping Ranma up as he walked inside.
"At least I won," Ranma said, smiling. He had one less
tooth than normal. "Man, Ryouga fought like a man possessed...
speaking of possession, let's get this puppy out of me so I don't
get into as many fights! I'm looking forward to a good stretch
of health."
"Ranma, I should warn you, my translation might not be
entirely correct," Doctor Tofu said. "I managed to get most of
it correct... I double checked when done... but there are still a
few things vague, or just weird--"
"What can it hurt to try?" Ranma shrugged.
"Well, we could annihilate your immortal soul."
"That's bad, right?"
"Very bad, Ranma-kun."
"Ah, screw it. Do it anyway," Ranma said.
"Ranma!" Akane exclaimed. "If it's dangerous, we shouldn't
try. You could die!"
"Life is risk, Akane," Ranma said. "And if I have to take
this risk to be rid of the sole cause of all problems, Saotome
Ataru, let's cut the cards and start gambling. Where do you want
me, doc?"
"On the bed will do," he said. "Akane, I'll need your help.
Gather those props I have set up and follow my instructions as I
read them off."
Akane nodded, and walked over to the hefty box of gizmos,
gadgets and foodstuffs as Ranma rested his weary bones on Doctor
Tofu's Ranma Rester. (He had declared this bed Ranma Only, so it
would always be available when Ranma came in with a new injury.)

*

"How much longer, doc?" Ranma said. He didn't like the way
the candle on his forehead was melting. Wax burns were NEVER
enjoyable...
The room had changed considerably. Flour had been scattered
around, as well as various herbs and healing leaves. Diagrams of
all kinds were sketched on the bed and on Ranma, and Akane was
wearing two candles strapped to her head.
"My throat is getting sore from repeating these passages,
too," Akane said. "Are you sure this is working?"
"No," Doctor Tofu said. "But we'll know in a minute or two.
I'm on the last few steps. Akane, poke Ranma on both sides of
his head, one inch above the ears. That'll open a flow for the
spirit to exit from.
Akane poked Ranma gently. "Got it."
"Now, stick that funnel in Ranma's left ear."
"A funnel?" Ranma asked.
"It's in the directions," Tofu said. Akane took the funnel
from Tofu's box of Exorcism Stuff, and placed the small end in
Ranma's ear.
"Okay, the final step is to take that toy duck, and toss it
at Ranma's forehead. That'll do it."
"A toy duck?" Akane asked, rooting around the box. "Ah,
here it is. Weird, though... how could a centuries old ceremony
involve a toy duck?"
"Perhaps it's symbolic. Any bird image will do. Letting
the demon take flight, I guess? Anyway, throw the duck. Finally,
according to the list, Ataru should be sucked out of
Ranma's body, and back to the Jusenkyo pools where he belongs."
"Bye bye, Ataru-kun," Akane said, grinning evilly. She
wound up a pitcher's swing, and neatly bonked the rubber duck off
Ranma's forehead with a 'squeak'.
The room exploded with white light. Ranma spasmed slightly,
eyes rolling back in his head. As her eyes returned to a useable
state, Akane watched as light poured out of the funnel, piling on
the floor in a congealed glop.
"This sucks!" Ranma screamed. "No pun intended! OW!"
The pile shaped itself, growing taller as it was fed from
the flow out of Ranma's ear. Eventually, it was humanoid in
shape... the colors molded, shifted, slid around like a liquid
jigsaw puzzle, taking an Ataruesque shape...
Finally, the flow stopped, and a dazed and confused Ataru
was standing next to Ranma, wearing an outfit identical to his
old host's ensemble.
"Yatta!" Akane cheered, slamming a fist into her palm. "We
did it! They're separate! Now Ataru'll be cast out, back to the
pools!"
Nothing happened. Ataru blinked, looking down at Ranma.
"Ahem. I SAID, now Ataru'll be cast out, back to the
pools," Akane repeated.
"Huh?" Ataru said, his first word as a free man.
"Doctor Tofu..."
"Whoa!!" Ataru exclaimed. "I'm out! I'm out! I'm not
trapped in HIM anymore! And I'm alive, to boot. THIS ROCKS! I'm
so happy. Hey, Akane, Ranma, thanks. I really needed to get
out. Boy, Ranma, now that I can see you from the outside, you
are one UGLY mother--"
"Something's wrong," Tofu said, flipping through his
translation. "But we did everything the list said to do..."
"It feels good to stretch my own legs for a change," Ataru
said, flexing his arms. "No, Ranma, don't get up, I'm fine. So,
who's for Bingo?"
"Doc, can I get up now?" Ranma asked, grabbing the candle on
his forehead and sticking it somewhere safer.
"Yes, go ahead, Ranma..." Tofu said absentmindedly, paging
through his notes. Was his translation wrong? They removed the
cursed form, certainly, but it was supposed to go away...
"Akane, let me thank you for this wonderful gift!" Ataru
said, darting over and hugging her tightly. "You've made me SO
happy. Let's get married now that that nerd Ranma's out of the
way."
"N...NANI!?" Akane exclaimed, trying to wrench herself free
from Ataru's glomp.
"Excuse me," Ranma said, tapping Ataru on the shoulder. Ataru
turned to look at Ranma, who was grinning. "You know, I
have always wanted to do this."
With that, Ranma reared back, and slammed a haymaker into
Ataru's face, knocking the boy clear across the clinic. Ataru's
head hit a wall and bounced, as he staggered on his feet.
"You've got no respect for your siblings, Ranma," Ataru
said, spitting out some blood. "And I have no respect for you as
a result. You never appreciated what I've had to put up with.
EVERYBODY likes you, and EVERYBODY hates me! Ataru's around? I'll
go find some hot water. Oh, darn, Ranma fell into the pond
and now Ataru's here, someone TURN OFF Ataru, he's bugging me."
"Quit whining and start fighting," Ranma said, cracking his
knuckles.
"As much as I'd like to mince words and fists with you,
Ranma, I have other things I'd rather do," Ataru said, glancing
at Akane for the briefest of moments. "Namely, see if I can find
an all night wedding service... after all, if I'm going to be
fleeing fate, I might as well drag along the one woman we're both
after, right?"
"HUH?" Akane asked, looking between the two boys, confused
as ever. The one woman BOTH were after? What was Ataru saying!?
With that, Ataru reached out an arm, grabbed Akane by the
shirt and ran out of the clinic.
"BLAST!" Ranma shouted, exiting the clinic, Tofu shortly
behind him. "Where'd he go!? He's not out here!"
"RANMA! HELP! RAaaannmaaa....." Akane's voice trailed,
from some direction. Ranma span to face it, but he was Ryouga as
far as the echo and reverb was concerned; Akane was gone, and her
vanishing cry for help wasn't telling where she went.
"That... THAT... I'll kill him!" Ranma yelled. "He's
kidnapped Akane, to do lord knows what, that little maniac! My
god... what if he tries to... NO! We've got to find them!"
"I think we need to form a search party," Doctor Tofu said.
"Scout out any 'Married In A Hurry' chapels, or places where he
could hide her."
"I'll call all our friends, and gather the Tendos," Ranma
said. "We've got to hurry, before Ataru does something he might
regret."

*

"Put! Me! DOWN!!!" Akane yelled, pounding on Ataru's back
as he carried her across the rooftops of Nerima.
"Not a chance!" he said. "Hmmm. Maybe I'd better wait it
out until the heat is off before we get married. You'll
understand, right Akane cutie honey love poo?"
"Don't say that! I do NOT love you!" Akane shouted back,
biting Ataru's neck.
Ataru didn't seem to notice. "Well, I love YOU. You're a
nice girl, very kawaii, good set of 'em, and I'll be damned if
I'm gonna let RANMA have you."
"I'm not in love with him either, baka! Now put me down!"
"And once again, he loves you, so big deal."
"He does not!"
"You forget, I have access... err, had access to his brain.
Oh, he didn't want to admit it," Ataru said, "He didn't want to
admit it to himself even, because of that silly promise he made
never to marry you. But hey, you're likeable, you know?"
"I don't believe you. Ranma's not a pervert like YOU!"
"True, but you don't have to be one to have a heart," Ataru
said. "It just helps you show it more. Ah, that looks like a
good hiding place... we can chill there a bit, wait for the goon
squad to go away and leave us in peace and live a happy life
together."
"I'd sooner eat dirt!"
"Well, we can make a quick lunch stop first, if you want."

*

"So the situation is : Ataru is in physical form, out and on
the loose," Ranma said, to the combined assembly of Tendos and
Saotomes. "We need to go find them, beat the living hell out of
Ataru and get Akane back before he does anything to her. We'll
split up into teams. Ah, wait a minute... someone's missing..."
Ranma looked around. "Anybody seen Kaneda?"
"Present!" Kaneda said, wandering through the newly replaced
Tendo Front Door(tm), Ukyou under one arm. "Ucchan too."
"Hey, what's with those red marks all over your neck?"
Nabiki asked Kaneda, grinning. "Rash?"
"These? Ummmm..." Kaneda said, trying to cover up his two
or three hickey marks, blushing slightly. "Yeah, rash. What's
this about Akane?"
"I'll repeat myself," Ranma nodded. "Ataru is--"
"We're here!" Ryouga said, wandering in with Kodachi. "What's
wrong? We heard the commotion..."
"Looks like the rash is contagious," Nabiki laughed. "Eh,
Ryouga-kun?"
"Huh? Oh. Uh, yeah, rash. Anyway, what's this about
Ataru?"
"Once more, from the top," Ranma reiterated. "Ataru--"
"Kunou Tatewaki has arrived!" Kunou said, marching in
through the door. "You summoned me? I understand the fair Tendo
Akane is in trouble?"
"Could we all shut up for a second and let me brief the
crowd?" Ranma requested. "Any more late showers?"
"What's this about Ataru darling?" a woman with green hair
asked, leaning in the front door. She blinked at the crowd of
strangers. "Sorry, wrong house," she apologized, and flew off
down the street.
"Ummmmm... to repeat," Ranma said...

*

"AKANE! COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!" Kaneda called.
"She's not at that shrine," Ukyou said, wandering to
Kaneda's side. "That covers this block. Is anybody covering
that section over there?"
"I think that's Nodoka, Genma and Kasumi's section," Kaneda
said. "They'll yell if they see anything."
"Nobody on that side of the street has seen her," Ranma
said, also joining the pair. "I guess this area's clean."
"Or maybe not. Tokyo's a big place, you know. Ataru could
be hiding almost anywhere," Kaneda reminded him.
"..."
"Wait," Ranma said, pausing. "Did you hear something?"
"Nope," Ukyou said. "Maybe we should check that block
there--"
"I distinctly heard something!" Ranma said. "Sounded
like... like ...."
"Like what?"
"Like ...! I'd know that stunned pause anywhere!" Ranma
said, realization striking him like a sledgehammer. "Akane's
nearby! Fan out!"

*

Ataru looked out one of the cracks in the wall of the
Furinkan clock tower, grumbling. "Blast. Ranma's close. This
is not cool."
"He'll find you and stop you, you letch," Akane said,
straining at the Chunk Of Clock Mechanism Ataru had tied her to.
She had to keep her voice up to be heard over the grinding of the
clock gears, but that was alright, since she was mad enough to
yell anyway. "What's your beef, anyway? Why kidnap me?"
"I knew what you two were up to," Ataru said, waving a Nuh-
Uh-Uh finger. "You were trying to kill me, to send me back to
that pool to lose my mind to the water again. That's fine, I can
see when I'm not wanted. But the problem is that *I* want me to
be around. And, now that I'm split off from Ranma, you folks'll
have no problem disposing of good 'ol Saotome Ataru."
"You think we'll kill you?"
"That's what you were trying to do with that ceremony,
remember?" Ataru laughed. "'Just think of him like he's a
tapeworm, Akane.' Makes it sound more noble. So if I can't hang
around with you socially and win your favor that way, we'll have
to forgo the favor and just exit stage left... skip town, get
hitched, raise kids, settle down, see you in a silky
negligegegee, and such. Stuff Ranma would object to."
"You're mad!"
"No, I'm angstful and obsessed. There is a difference,"
Ataru said. He turned back to the crack in the wall, his only
view to the outside. "No. NO! He's checking up here! HOW
could he know?"
Ataru marched away from the crack, shutting the clock tower
trapdoor. "I won't let him take you away from me. I won't let
him kill me before any of my dreams are realized. It's not
fair!"
"Life's not fair, Ataru," Akane said. "You're about to find
out the hard way."
There was a thumping on the trapdoor, as someone tried to
push it open. Ataru pressed his weight against the door.
"Nobody up here but the rats and hunchbacks! Go away!"
Ataru shouted.
"ATARU, OPEN THIS DOOR!" Ranma yelled, pounding. With each
strike, Ataru bounced into the air, until finally Ranma managed
to fling the door open and hop into the tower, followed shortly
by Ukyou and Kaneda.
"What's this, ganging up on poor little me?" Ataru asked,
wiping his chin. "Bullies."
"Just give Akane back, Ataru," Ukyou said, spatula out. "We
can hurt you in really neat ways otherwise."
"And I bet you just can't wait to do it," Ataru said. "But
you're forgetting something I have that you don't."
"Akane?" Kaneda guessed.
Ataru grinned. It was too easy. They weren't even moving,
and he had a straight line path.
"ANYTHING GOES ULTIMATE ATTACK!" Ataru called, arms locked
into the ready to grab position. "GLOMP OF DEATH!!"
Ataru flung himself at Kaneda, knocking the other Saotome
boy across the tower floor. Kaneda instantly lost consciousness
as his body was slammed into the wooden floorboards. Ataru let
go and rolled off, preparing to launch again.
Ukyou had a throwing spatula out, but all Ataru had to do
was recalculate to avoid it. He glided in on her, clinging to
Ukyou's body like spore mold and putting her out for the night. He
took the opportunity to give her a quick squeeze, before
turning his attention to Ranma, who was wide eyed, lower lip
trembling.
"I think the odds have taken a turn for the better," Ataru
laughed. "I'M Happousai's true student, not you. Oh, did I hurt
your friends? What're you gonna do now, Ranma? Cry?"
"Ukyou... Kaneda..." Ranma called, horrified. "You
MONSTER!"
"Of course, I'm Ataru the Monster to you, I almost forgot.
They're just sleeping, Ranma! You and I both know that you don't
kill and neither do I!" Ataru said. "Now get ready to lose,
Ranma, for the first time in your life! Akane is mine now!"
"She'll never be yours. You're not in love with her like I
am. You're just in lust," Ranma said.
Akane blinked.
"You know, we really look stupid, exchanging cheeseball
insults when we should be fighting," Ataru said, flexing his
fingers in pre-glomp position. "I think I'd better call a halt
to this before the movie critics pan it."
With that, Ataru ran screaming straight for Ranma, preparing
to embrace... yuk... another man into submission.
Ranma smiled, and stepped aside .002 seconds before Ataru
reached him.
Ataru blinked, charging right by Ranma, and off the edge of
the tower floor.
He twisted around in the air, grabbing for something,
anything to keep him from plunging into the rotating gearwork of
the Furinkan clock tower. His fingers clawed at the rotting
wood, ripping small chunks off as death loomed below him,
spinning quietly at one revolution per hour.
Finally, he managed to grasp Ranma's arm.
"Hang on, Ataru!" Ranma said, reaching down to strengthen
the grip with his other hand.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Ataru asked. "Let
go of me! Come on, it's what you've always wanted to do,
isn't it? Be rid of nasty Ataru forever?"
"I said hang on, you idiot!"
"And I said let go, YOU idiot."
"With both of you IDIOTS shut up and get back up here?!"
Akane yelled. "Ranma, don't let him fall!"
Ataru blinked. "Akane...?"
"You're a baka hentai maniac idiot loon dweeb spaz twit
moron with a side of stupidity and ecchihood," Akane said, "But
you don't deserve to die. Ranma, haul him up."
"You heard the lady's orders," Ranma said. "Besides, you
said it yourself. I don't kill people."
"Well, what's the point of hanging around this world if
nobody gives a rat's ass about your existence?" Ataru said. "None
of you people like me!"
"Ataru, if you let me pull you up, I promise you you'll be
an official sibling in the Saotome clan," Ranma said. "Okay? I'm
pulling now."
"You serious, Ranma? That's ridiculous!"
"I'm serious!"
"Seriously?"
"If I don't pull you up soon, there isn't going to be enough
left to be serious about," Ranma grimaced, muscles straining.
"Pull," Ataru nodded.
Ranma hauled, and dragged Ataru back to safe ground. Both
boys lay panting on the ground, wheezing from the effort.
"I can't believe you'd let someone as twisted as myself
live," Ataru said. "But you did. This blows my mind, man."
"Ataru, Kaneda said something to me a long time ago," Ranma
said. "When two people don't get along, but are forced to be
together, they can either do two things; separate, or learn to
live with each other. I just showed you that option one isn't
viable. So I'm willing to give option two a go, and so is
Akane."
"Just quit grabbing me," Akane reminded him.
"Can we go home, then?" Ataru asked. "I'm gonna pass out
here from overstraining myself. The Glomp of Death isn't easy,
you know, neither is hanging by one arm over certain death."
"Do you still want to marry Akane?" Ranma asked.
"I don't think either of you are very keen on the idea,"
Ataru said. "I just wanted to keep myself from being alone, when
it looked like nobody wanted me around... I'll withdraw the
proposal on one condition."
"Namely?"
"You put it back into action in your own words," Ataru said.
Ranma blinked. "What?"
"Come on, you know what I mean, and we both know how you
REALLY think. Wink wink, nudge nudge? Say no more. Call it
part of my Acceptance Into Society Path to get you two going on
the right foot."
"You want him to ask to marry me?" Akane asked.
"Correct," Ataru said. "Come on, be a sport."
"No way!" Ranma protested.
"You know you wanna..."
"Is he telling the truth?" Akane asked. "Ranma, do... do
you really care about me? That way, I mean."
"N... not entir... well... okay, yes. DAMMIT, Ataru, you
little jerk, you made me say it!"
Ataru laughed. "Gotcha. Now propose already."
"Anything to shut you up. Akane, will you marry me."
"No," Akane said.
"That satisfactory?" Ranma asked, turning to Ataru.
"...at least, not now," Akane added. "I mean... it's kinda
soon... you know."
"Yeah... I know," Ranma said, nodding in agreeance without
looking at Akane. "How's that, Ataru-hentai?"
"Perfect," Ataru said, smiling. "Oh, I'm so happy! Let me
hug the bri--"
Akane ripped through the rope around her wrists and slapped
Ataru across the face before he could rush up to hug her.
"Okay, I deserved that," Ataru admitted, before passing out.

*

"Let's go, guys! We're gonna be late!"
Akane, Ranma, Kaneda and Ataru ran out of the house,
dragging Akane-crafted bentos along with them.
"Who turned the electric toothbrush on super high, anyway?"
Kaneda asked, white stuff puffing out of his mouth. "If my gums
hadn't been so tormented, maybe we could have saved some time and
left early enough. I hate cotton balls."
"Guilty!" Ataru laughed. "Nyah nyah nyah."
"Why, you little--" Kaneda growled, swiping at Ataru with
his bento. Ataru easily ducked it by running behind Akane and
goosing her.
"Aieee!" Akane yelped, turning a full 360' and slapping
Ataru on the way around. "Quit that."
"Every minute we fight is another minute we'll be late,"
Ranma reminded them, tapping his watch as they ran.
"And every minute we yammer adds up too," Ataru added. "Come
on, gang, get the lead out."
The pair of pairs ran faster, eventually reaching the
Furinkan front gate. As usual, someone was waiting for them.
"Saotome Ranma, stand your ground and face me!" Kunou called
as they rushed past him.
"Great, now I need to go give Kunou his daily beating. As
if I wasn't late enough already," Ranma grumbled.
"Hey, let me pound him for ya," Ataru said. "I've wanted to
lay it on that poetry reading jerk since way back when. Ta ta!
Bye, bros plus cutie!"
Ataru broke off from the pack, jogging in a U turn to whomp
Kunou.
"I wish he'd stop calling me cutie," Akane mumbled to
herself.
"CUTIE! CUTIE! CUTIE!" Ranma and Kaneda echoed, laughing.
They ended up being late because of fighting anyway, as
Akane had some words with the original two Saotome brothers.

*

It should be mentioned before this tale runs its course that
a cargo jet, inbound to Hawaii passed over Nerima later that day.
The jet had a small hole in it; fortunately, only one parcel was
sucked out.
The parcel screamed its way (literally) down from the
heavens, landing in a birdbath of a pleasant suburban manor. The
security system launched a few surface to air missiles to blow it
out of the sky, but it had landed before the missiles could arm,
and they deflected off course to strike a mime school and an
accordion factory.
"Ooohhhhhhh...." the package groaned, stirring to life. The
tiny man, coated head to toe in shipping stickers and Customs ink
stamps, fell out of the bird bath. "I'll... GET... those two...
for this... ugh."
"Who's THEEEREE??" a kawaii voice asked, as Azusa walked out
of the front door. She clasped her hands together. "Oh, how
kawaii! A tiny little old man, with neat stamps all over him! I
think I'll keep him."
"Wha?" Happousai grumbled, observing the looming spectre of
kawaii tower over him. "No! Stay back! AAUUUGGGHHHH!!!"
Iris out on the screams that rocked Shiratori Manor, from
that day onward, as newly renamed Michael-Jean-Luc-Paul the Fifth
got used to his new home.

THE END
(at least, of this timeline...)

%

Ranma stared. Happy was gone. Just like Ukyou. Just like
Shampoo. Just like Akane. There had to be a link...a connection.
Wishes. That was the key. Birthday wish, maybe. Cologne had
mentioned a wish Shampoo made. Akane and the wishing well.
Happousai and the scroll. He had it! As long as no one made any
wishes, then they would be safe...and could find the maniac
responsible for all this. He grabbed Tsubasa from the
tree he was hiding as, and took off running for the dojo. He had
to warn them before it was too late. Then they could find the
maniac responsible for all this.
Someone was going to pay, and pay dear for taking people Ranma
cared about...

*

Purple Robes sighed. All that effort for nothing. Instead of
dying in a car wreck, a power line snapped a day later and
electrocuted Father instead. No matter what I do, he dies! Again
and again and again! I can't even blame it on my predecessor like
the first time...That was his fault. I learned that in the
library of time...where Nabiki and I got the power to cast you
down!
Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. We got rid of
you...but it didn't stop father from dying. He didn't die the way
you arranged it...this time he got hit by a car. I fixed that. So
a day later, he died...this time by bus. Wrecks, diseases, murder,
everything...over and over...He isn't supposed to die like this!
He lived to be 98, dying in bed in the original time line...before
the old Purple Robes wrecked everything! All in pursuit of some
goal... some goal... I still don't know what he was trying to
accomplish by causing Father to be murdered. How could he do
something so evil?
Not that what we did to him was much better. The naniban...
the first time Father died, Ryouga had thought of using the naniban
to save him. That worked. But then, instead of being hit by a
crashing car... Father got killed by a burglar. The second time
we tried to use the naniban, it also worked. But then the old
Purple Robes caught on to us. He came to get the mirror.
Nabiki and I only escaped because she thought to grab it in
the confusion and use it for her and I to escape. That brought us
to the library of time...the place where all that was, that is, and
yet might be is written down. The place where we learned how to
stop Purple Robes. The one place where we were safe from his
power. But we had to leave it to strike at him. We... we changed
things so he had never taken up the role...
Purple Robes shuddered at the thought of what they had had to
do...But in the process, Nabiki was caught in the wave of the
change of history, for it was her who left the library to enact
the change. When the old Purple Robes ceased to have ever been
Purple Robes, she ceased to have ever travelled through time to
stop him. A paradox. But only someone in the library could escape
Paradox. Or someone at the end of time...where Purple Robes now
resided. From here, you could look back and see all that
had ever been. And change it.
But history was proving harder to change than she thought. It
seemed to try to reassert itself, flowing back into old patterns.
And why wasn't the main history timeline changing? Why were people
just vanishing into new ones, instead of the whole thing changing?
Perhaps a bigger hammer was needed. Yes, that was the key. Make
a bigger change. A change so big, it couldn't simply flow back
into old patterns. Then Father would have a chance to live out his
full years. It might change a lot of things. But what did it
matter if Father could be saved? Yes. Now all that remained was
to find a proper target.

*

At the Past End of Time...
Yellow Robes sighed. A crisis in process and two of the three
Keepers of Time were new to the post and completely self taught.
At least Green Robes had had the decency to leave his replacement
a manual. But Purple didn't really understand at all what was
really going on. From what Yellow had learned, this was all too
common. It seemed as if only the Yellow Keeper ever got trained.
Greens usually found some fool to take over, and Purples usually
wiped each other out of history. What a messy way to run Time
itself. This made Yellow the senior keeper, which meant it was
Yellow's duty to clean up the mess Purple was making.
Yellow rubbed his/her hands together. "I could have been
you...I suppose in a sense I am you, Purple. My time line was
wiped out by the purple before the purple before you...who was
trying to fix the damage caused by his predecessor...Yet we are
substantially the same person.
"How can I make you understand that Father's death cannot be
prevented? Everyone dies in the end. The more you struggle, the
more damage you will cause. Until someone rises up to cut your
thread for what you have unknowingly done
to them. I must talk to Green, I suppose. He knew you too. I
suppose I should be glad you are not aware of our existence or you
might try to strike at us in your fear and desperation. I just
hope Green can keep up with building these alternate time lines.
And I hope I can keep getting enough threads to fill them...or
we'll have to let you alter the main timeline...and that could be
disastrous...You don't really understand a quarter of what
you are doing..."

*

At the Present End of Time...
Green Robes sat back to relax. He had finally cobbled
together a fourth extra loom and gotten the new thread supplies
integrated into it. Now he could sit back and relax. Time to try
and find out exactly what the other keepers of time did. He knew
from the three minute briefing his predecessor gave him that there
were three keepers: Yellow, who dwells in the past, spinning the
threads that Green weaves into the present, which will eventually
be cut by Purple, who lives in the future. He kept getting work
orders from the two of them to change various things, creating all
these looms to preserve alternate timelines. Unfortunately, large
parts of the manual were in what looked like Greek transliterated
into Sanskrit...so he really wasn't sure if he was doing it right.
"Hmm. Maybe I can take a look and see what Akane is doing."
That was one benny of the job. You could look at the tapestry and
see what anyone was doing, anywhere in the present. Or follow
their thread back and see their past. Then he remembered. One of
the work orders had removed Akane from the regular time line...and
put her in that other one where she was cursed...He had been
reluctant to do that...but he didn't want to screw up after several
months without a hitch. It was strange though. Little details
of recent months seemed...wrong. They didn't jibe with what he
remembered sometimes when he went back to observe the tapestry.
Had there been changes to the main timeline...that had already
altered it since he began to work? How long had he been here,
anyway? He didn't remember making many changes to the main
timeline.
He decided to check the manual. It fell open to the section
that talked about the payment of the Keepers of Time. "Each keeper
recieves 2000 Karmic Brownie points per year, redeemable at the
local Karma-mart or the after life transferral center of your
choice upon retirement, death, or being wiped out of existence by
your successor in the job." Green Robes shuddered a bit at that.
What was a Karma-mart, anyway? There was so much he didn't
know...so much he needed to learn.
BING! A bell rang and a form fluttered to the ground. It was
a work order for yet another timeline...followed quickly by another
load of threads. Green Robes shuddered and started looking for
more parts. This can't go on, he thought. This can't go on...

THE END

%

Author's postscript.
PHEW.
After a one month hiatus after completing half of chapter
one, I picked this story up again, sat down for FIVE STRAIGHT
DAYS of bad food and no sunlight and finished it. Boy, is it a
doozy. I am Happy(tm).
Here are a few author's notes, for those interested,
followed by the credits.
I'd like to clear up any confusion about the authorship of
this story. I got the final product in kind of a messy format...
thus proving the superiority of Wordperfect over UNIX! AHAHAHA!
Umm. Anyway. I did some formatting to the two portions of the
story that John Biles wrote, namely, everything before the
microwave explodes and everything after the first 'THE END'. The
fiction between these parts is done by me. The candy coating is
part of John's robed-guys storyline which continues through the
elseworlds saga, the stuff in the middle is the timeline in
question. His, mine, his. Bun, burger, bun. A-B-A. Got it?
Keen. :)
Anyway, notice the second disclaimer? I specifically wrote
that because I was worried people would look at Saotome Ataru,
blink, and go 'Hey, Ataru would never do that!'. And they'd be
right; Morobishi Ataru wouldn't, but the two characters have very
little in common besides
1. Same first name
2. Same physical appearance.
I mostly picked the name Ataru for this story because I'd be
dealing with a pervert who didn't look like Ranma, and who am I
to buck Takahatradition? :)
Another fun thing I'd like to point out is in the obligatory
ending climax battle, I selected a clock tower. I debated going
back and editing this to be a cathedral (do they have those in
Tokyo?) just for supreme coolness value; I mean, how can you
possibly beat large iron bells and rotting woodwork and a dark
atmosphere for a battle between good and evil? It's so Tim
Burton. However, I figured it'd be safer to go with the clock
tower of Furinkan. They both serve the same purpose, anyway.
Originally, Happousai was supposed to be around during this
story. Then I took a second look at the plotlines I had sketched
up and realized he wasn't really needed, since Ataru would be
filling in as resident pervert. The only thing that needed
tweaking was the ending (Happy was going to kidnap Ranma before
they could exorcise him), which I like better in this form
anyway. Oh, and they were going to use the 'Saint Point' to do
it, but I figured a really intricate exorcism would be more fun
and explainable for how Ataru manages to take physical form.
I really should head off one mail-complaint before it
arrives : WHAT ABOUT KASUMI AND DOCTOR TOFU?!!? Well, keep in
mind that Kasumi hasn't been around Nerima since she was six. I'm
guessing Doctor Tofu didn't start fogging up around her until
later than six, unless the doc is weirder than originally
thought. Plus, if I dealt with the Tofu-issue, it would be too
similar to the original plotline to be interesting, and would
tack on ANOTHER twenty pages to this. Just assume Kasumi wanders
off happily into the sunset with him later. Or maybe with Kunou.
He'd be a nice guy for her, if he'd calm down a little.
Another potential mail-complaint I want to quell would be
Kaneda's diplomacy, and how it got Akane and Ranma not to fight
all the time. I mostly went along with this plan of action
because Akane would be mad as hell at Ataru all of the time, and
I thought that having her hate Ranma as well might be overkill.
Ranma's life in this story is not the greatest incarnation he's
gone through, and if Akane hated him in both forms (ie, 24 hours
a day), it would be somewhat frustrating and depressing. This
ain't Greek Tragedy, folks, it's comedy.
(One fun thing to note is that Kaneda was a write-in after I
chucked the first draft of chapter one, JUST to be an Ukyou Lead.
Hence the large kitchen implement. I'm glad he developed into
more than that; he integrates himself into the family structure
much better than an extra, and serves a larger purpose in the
saga than just hanging around Ukyou with hearts in his eyes.)
Okay, ramblings aside, I'd like to thank the following folks
for assisting me creatively and supportively during the madcap
week that was Glomp Project 101. John Walter Biles, for
providing this series in the first place, letting me have a go at
it and helping when I got stuck on Shampoo's story. (Poor
Shampoo. I'm glad to see her character get some comic justice
done to, though.) Jeff Hosmer, for being my Anime Pusher and
Happousai expert and helping me fix two serious errors before
this story got posted. Jenny Gagne, my sis, for her creatively
twisted ideas to spackle in the cracks of this story and unique
photo editing skills.
I probably should have been working on Pong Kombat 3, but
I've got all the time I want to work on that, and this was more
enjoyable. I have no real plans for future fanfics, other than
some half evolved ideas for a Dominion fanfic (?!) or a Ministry
of Confusion sequel. Maybe something from Ah!/Oh!/Whatever! My
Goddess or This Is Greenwood... gaah. Time will tell, I suppose.
I'm certainly not done writing these things.
To anybody who wants to do a lemon sidestory of this :
Don't. Unless your last name is Stone. (big silly grin)
And finally, if you liked this story, LET ME KNOW! The
silent masses need not be silent any longer. Drop me a line at
one of the many addresses below. It takes an average of two
minutes to send e-mail, which surely you have free. No, I wasn't
calling you Shirley.
That's about everything I feel like typing in paragraph
format. Here's some nice tabular formatted information for you.

CONTACT ME AT THE FOLLOWING MUDs/MUCKs/MUSHes :
= Ukyou @ AnimeMUSH
= Skuld @ BakaMUCK = Juyza @ RanmaMUCK
- Ryouga @ BanzaiMUCK
- Twoflower @ FurryMUCK
- Twoflower @ AlephOR BY E-MAIL :
= twof...@glue.umd.edu
- ga...@locust.cic.net (if the first one fails ONLY)

THIS STORY WILL BE ARCHIVED AT :
= http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr
Spatula City; We sell spatulas, and that's all. Look under
Aisle 2 for the stories.
= http://www.wam.umd.edu/~johnbil
My man Biles's homepage, with all sorts of stuff, and the
official HTML Elseworlds Archive!
- ftp://spatulacity.dorm.umd.edu/pub/fanfic
(FTP site coming this fall!)
- ftp://ftp.std.com/archives/anime-fan-works/Ranma/Elseworlds
/ranma.elseworlds.barrel-of-a-glomp.gz

Thank you for reading.

Have a day.

Gaithersburg, MD
July 7th, 1995

(*) "Yeesh... what a bunch of cruel bastards."
- John Biles, after reading about how
Jusenkyo's personality pools were made.

THE END