[Fanfic][updated]Ranma 1/2: Monkey Business Chapter 3
And Death shall have no dominion...
Ranma Nibunnoichi: Monkey Business
Chapter 3: Monkey strikes!
Written by: David Tai
Edited by: Paul Gallegos
Based on characters created by Rumiko Takahashi
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DJT...@RITVAX.ISC.RIT.EDU
and
GALL...@ARIZONA.EDU
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[Ranma is staring up at the monkey standing in front of him. Who can blame him?
It's not often you see a 50-foot monkey wearing a golden headband, a green
tunic, and a large tigerskin.]
Ranma: Yaaah! Who are you supposed to be ?!
Monkey: I am the Stone Monkey. I am the Great Sage, Equal of
Heaven. I am Sun Wu-k'ung, but you may call me...
the Handsome Monkey King!
Ranma: Never heard of you.
Monkey: Harumph. I certainly hope your skills are better than your memory,
Saotome.
Ranma: How DO you know my name, anyway?
Monkey: From the Chinese style clothing you wear, plus that ponytail, it seems
apparent you ARE Ranma Saotome. However, I had to be sure, so I
followed you around. Never hurts to be sure.
Ranma: Waitasec... why ARE you going to kill me?
Monkey: Why do you think, demon?
Ranma: Demon?
Monkey: The time for talking is past. Taste cudgel, demon!
[Monkey slams down his staff at Ranma. Ranma dodges... again and again and
again, as Monkey keeps trying to hit him.]
Monkey: Humph. You could be almost as good as me... in about 20,000 years.
[Monkey shrinks down to Ranma's size] Now, it's time to get serious.
[Monkey jumps into the air.]
Ranma: Hah! Mid-air combat is a speciality of the Saotome School! [Ranma jumps.]
Monkey: HAH! [blocks Ranma's kick and quickly whirling his staff to hit Ranma's
head, sending him flying...]
Not as good as mine, however.
Ranma: Uh... [looks up to see Monkey come hurling at him] ROARING LION BULLET!
[Ranma releases his ki energy. However, Monkey quickly twirls his staff and
dispates the energy, then lands on Ranma with both feet before jumping off and
somersaulting into an offensive stand.]
Ranma: [holding stomach] DAMN!
Monkey: Humph. Hardly a challenge.
[Ranma spies the Panda and Soun in the crowd.]
Ranma: Hey, Dad! Give me a hand here!
[The Panda takes a look at the Monkey. He charges, as Soun jumps into the air
for a flying kick. However, Monkey nonchalantly flips the Panda and allows Soun
to land stomachwise on the end of the staff. The Panda and Soun gather their
wits, look at each other, and start dashing away.]
Ranma: Dad!
[The Panda lifts a sign, "Nice knowing you, son" as he and Soun disappear from
sight...]
Akane: Ranma, rest! I'll cover you!
Ranma: No, you stupid girl! He's too GOOD!
Ukyou: I'll help! Go, Akane!
[Ukyou hurls a steaming okonomiyaki at Monkey as Akane dashes. Monkey simply
blocks Akane's charging punch, opens his mouth, and swallows the okonomiyaki-
only to spit it out.]
Monkey: Pah! The Japanese can't cook, that's for sure!
Ukyou: Why you! That was my BEST okonomiyaki!
[Ukyou charges in, and begins to pound Monkey with her giant spatula. Monkey
just stands there and grins as Akane and Ukyou pound away at him without any
visible effect. Finally, Akane and Ukyou collapse, panting hard.]
Monkey: Now that the appeals are through, shall we commence with the execution?
[Monkey takes a step forward. Then a large blast of ki energy hits Monkey from
behind, staggering him.]
Ryoga: Hurting Akane? You DIE!
Monkey: You caught me by surprise- and the last thing you want to do is catch
old Monkey by surprise. [Hits Ryoga on the head with the staff. Ryoga
falls.] Now, then, are there going to be any more distractions?
[Silence, as Ranma staggers up to his feet.] No? Okay, then...
[And a bicycle comes hurling out of nowhere, running over Monkey's back in the
process.]
Shampoo: Here I come!
Ranma, Akane, Ukyou: Shampoo!
Ranma: Great timing, Shampoo.
Akane: Yeah, great job.
Shampoo: Was nothing. Ranma- you marry me?
Akane & Ukyou: What?
Ranma: Eh? [looking befuddled.]
[Akane, however, soon realizes...]
Akane: Well, Ranma- this is your destiny. Goodbye.
[Akane starts to turn away. Ranma grabs her by the arm.]
Ranma: Wait Akane! That was Cologne, the fortuneteller! I mean, the
fortuneteller was Cologne!
[Akane turns her head.]
Akane: Spare me.
Ukyou: Uh, I hate to interrupt, but I think we have a problem.
[Ranma, Akane and Shampoo turn to look at Ukyou. Ukyou points behind
them.] The Monkey's up.
[And indeed, the Monkey King IS standing, and looking furious. The staff glows
menacingly as Monkey speaks.]
Monkey: Didn't I ask for no more distractions? I grow very weary of this. You
are dead, demon.
Shampoo: Uh-oh.
Ranma: What's "uh-oh"?
Shampoo: That the Monkey King!
Ranma: That's who he said he is.
Shampoo: Run, Ranma!
Ranma: From HIM? I'm ready for him now.
Shampoo: Not ready for Monkey, Ranma! RUN!
Ranma: I can take him! [dashes at Monkey, only to be met by a flying somersault
by Monkey, who flips him casually, sending him back to...]
Shampoo: Ranma, STOP!
Ranma: Out of my way- I'm going to get him! ROARING LION BULLET!
[Ranma pushes Shampoo out of the way and releases his energy. Monkey, however,
dispates the explosion with his staff.]
Ranma: That's it! I'm going to get him this time! [dashes at Monkey.]
Ranma: TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!
[Ranma throws 518 punches. Monkey however, is braced, with staff twirling and
blocking.]
Ranma: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!
[Ranma takes a look at his hands- painfully red. He looks up at a grinning
Monkey.]
Ranma: No hard feelings?
[Monkey swing his staff, sending Ranma flying back to the girls.]
Shampoo: Ranma, run!
Ranma: One more technique left... SAOTOME SECRET TECHNIQUE!
[Monkey braces... only to see Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, and Shampoo running away.]
Monkey: Hey! Think you can hide from old Monkey?
[Monkey jumps.]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
[Ranma and the girls are running.]
Ranma: Dammit, Shampoo, who's that guy?
Shampoo: He the Monkey King!
Ranma: Who IS he?
Shampoo: Tell you later... look out!
Ranma: Wha---
[Ranma stumbles over a twirling staff and falls into a fish pond, as the Monkey
King lands, casually flipping his staff back into his possession.]
Monkey: Got you.
[Ranma-chan jumps out of the fish pond, in a fighting stance.]
Monkey: Wha-? [puzzled. He begins scratching his head, before speaking.]
Pardon me, ma'am. Have you seen a boy with a ponytail in the pond?
Ranma-chan: Eh? (gets an elbow from Akane) Oh, uh- he dove down past me and
went... thataway. [points finger at nowhere specific.]
Monkey: Ah, thank you. Sorry to disturb you. [Monkey leaves- thataway.]
Ranma-chan: Whew.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
[Shampoo's restaurant, the Nekohanten. Cologne is sitting at a small, round
table when Ranma-chan and company comes in. Ranma, Ukyou, Akane sits down, as
Shampoo disappears into the kitchen.]
Ranma-chan: Ok, Cologne- you saw that monkey at the fair, right?
Cologne: Yes.
Akane: Why is he after Ranma?
Ranma: Isn't that obvious? He wants to kill me!
Akane: Yes, but WHY?
Cologne: Perhaps you should ask Monkey himself that question.
Ranma-chan: Who IS that character, anyway?
[Cologne settles back in her seat, as a flashback sequence starring Monkey
starts.]
Cologne: The Monkey King is a famous legend in China. He was born of the union
of Heaven and Earth, from a stone. He became King of monkeys, and
lived in the Cave of the Water Curtain. One day, he got bored, so he
sought to become an Immortal. The Monkey met a teacher, learned the
secrets of Immortality, transformation, and many other powers, and
returned home. Using his knowledge and powers, he acquired the Staff
that forged Heaven. The Jade Emperor, Ruler of Heaven, sought to keep
the Monkey controlled, so he gave him a honorary title: Great Sage,
Equal of Heaven, and a job as the heavenly horsekeeper. However, this
job irritated Monkey, so he created much chaos in heaven, as only a
trickster monkey can. Only Erh-lang, nephew of the Jade Emperor,
managed to stop him. But Monkey escaped, and stole the elixir that
made him tougher and strengthened his immortality. He aspired to the
Jade Emperor's position, and only the intervention of the divine
Buddha stopped Monkey. Buddha tricked the Monkey, and trapped him
under a mountain.
[end of flashback.]
Ranma-chan: So Monkey's immortal?
Cologne: Very much so.
Akane: But how did Monkey escape the mountain?
[Shampoo enters, with a pot of hot water, which she pours over Ranma.]
Cologne: A Buddhist priest was sent to India to get the scriptures of Buddha. He
had three disciples, and one of them was Monkey. Probably about 6 or 7
thousand years ago.
Ranma: Monkey? How can that be? Monkey should've been mad as hell.
Cologne: Kuan-yin, Goddess of Mercy, begged Buddha for mercy, and Monkey was
given a chance to repent and make amends. And Monkey DID make amends,
protecting the priest from demons and evil spirits. But Kuan-yin
included a safeguard in case Monkey backslides.
Akane: Safeguard?
Cologne: Yes. Kuan-yin gave Monkey a cap with a golden headband. The headband
became unremovable, and remained on Monkey's head no matter how
hard he tried to get it off. The headband, with the proper prayer,
would squeeze Monkey's head very very hard, and Monkey had to
cooperate or suffer severe pain. It wasn't used very often, and the
priest and his disciples got the scriptures after many adventures.
Ukyou: Ranma! The headband- Monkey was wearing one!
Ranma: That's right! We got him!
Akane: But how do we learn the prayer?
Cologne: Alas, the only people who knew that prayer was the priest and Kuan-
yin.
Ranma: But Kuan-yin is immortal, right? She IS a goddess.
Cologne: Correct, but to find her would require a bit of work.
Ranma: What about Happosai's nanban mirror?
Cologne: It should work if you ask it to send you to Kuan-yin's dwelling place.
Akane: There's just one problem- we need to get it from Happosai.
Ranma: Leave that to me. I've got a plan.