[Ranma][Fanfic] Ranma 1/2: The Dragon Comb Mystery -- Part 6

[Edward T. Hrzic III]

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Ranma 1/2: The Dragon Comb Mystery
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Part 6 of 7

Written by
Ed Hrzic

Copyright (c) 1995 by
Ed Hrzic

Based upon characters created by Rumiko Takahashi and Warner Bros
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Previous parts may be found at "ftp.cs.ubc.ca" in the cirectory
"pub/archive/anime-fan-works/Ranma".
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Direct any comments to me at "bd...@yfn.ysu.edu".
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Text between < and > are used to denote a
character's thoughts.

<<< CONTINUED FROM PART 5 >>>

[Open on Ranma's classroom. (I think it's B-2?) Ranma is tapping
a pencil on his desk, his head leaning on his hand. Akane is
standing, reading a passage from their textbook.]

RANMA. <There's got to be more to this than he's telling.
There's something funny going on, and I think he's the cause of
it.>
TEACHER. What is the answer Ranma!
RANMA. (looking up) Uhhh...Forty-two.

[The teacher's mouth drops.]

TEACHER. That's...that's correct!
RANMA. Really?
AKANE. How about that? Ranma got one right. Maybe we should
declare a national monument.

[Cut to post office. A small, wooden crate sits on a table. A
man picks it up. He walks out and puts it on a truck. The truck
drives off. It passes through the streets of Nerima. In front
of the Tendo dojo, it hits a bump, and the crate flies out,
landing on the ground in front of the gate.]

[Genma (panda) comes out and begins to sweep the yard. Opening
up the gate, he sees a package. He picks it up and looks at it.
Emblazoned on the front of it is a sign that says "From Warner
Studios. DO NOT OPEN WITHOUT LIFE INSURANCE!" Since Genma can't
read english, he takes it in to the dojo.]
[Kasumi is sitting in the den when Genma brings it in.]

KASUMI. Hello Mr. Saotome. What do you have there?

[Genma makes a few noises while putting the crate down on the
table.]

KASUMI. What is it? It's written in english. Can you read it?

[Genma shakes his head.]

KASUMI. (calling outside of the den) Nabiki, you know a little
english, right? Could you read this?

[Nabiki comes in and looks at the package.]

NABIKI. Hmmm...it says, "Life Insurance Premium. Open as soon
as possible."
KASUMI. Well, okay. Does anyone have a crowbar?
NABIKI. Right here. (she gives Kasumi a crowbar)

[Kasumi puts the edge under the top of the crate and pushes
downward.]

[There is a HUGE whirlwind that comes out, knocking several
things down. When it disappears, everything is in disarray.]

NABIKI. What was that?
VOICE. What was what?
NABIKI. (turning to the voice) All th- What on earth are you?

[Nabiki, Kasumi and Genma stand looking at three dog-like
individuals. One is wearing brown pants, another is wearing a
red hat and blue shirt, and the last one is wearing a pink skirt
with a daisy in her hair.]

TWO MALES. We're the Warner Brothers!
FEMALE. And the Warner Sister!
NABIKI. Who?

[The three pose, as if for a picture.]

YAKKO. I'm Yakko!
WAKKO. I'm Wakko!
DOT. I'm Dot!

[Soun walks in.]

SOUN. What is this?

DOT. (looking at Genma) How cute! (she runs up and hugs the
panda)
YAKKO. (to Wakko) When did pandas become house-pets?
SOUN. (picking up Yakko) Who are you?
YAKKO. Do we have to go through that again?
SOUN. And just what are you?
YAKKO. That's a good question, and it deserves a good answer.

[Wakko, Yakko and Dot don their graduation caps. Yakko pulls down
a chart that has Wakko on it.]

YAKKO. (pointing with a stick) As you can see, Wakko here looks
very dog-like. But is he really a dog? Scientists have studied
for centuries to determine exactly what we are.
DOT. And we'll tell you a secret. We already know.
SOUN. (leaning down) Then, what are you?
WAKKO. (screaming in Soun's ear) CARTOONS!
SOUN. What? I can't hear you!
NABIKI. This is getting redundant.
YAKKO. No. Those cheap Japanese cartoons are redundant.
GENMA. (sign) Cheap?!

[Cut to outside of the dojo. The Warners run out, amid a hail of
fruit and vegetables.]

YAKKO. Was it something I said?
WAKKO. Where are we?
DOT. Definitely not in Kansas.
WAKKO. Or Tibet.
YAKKO. Or anywhere near a good cheeseburger joint.

[The Warners walk. A white smoke drifts past them. They
inhale.]

YAKKO. Yum!

[The smoke turns into a finger and beckons them. They drift
along, into Ukkyo's Ryokan. The sit in the chairs.]

UKKYO. (looking at Yakko) Are you hungry?
YAKKO. No, I'm Yakko.
UKKYO. That's not what I meant.
YAKKO. Then what did you mean?
UKKYO. I meant, do you have an appetite?
WAKKO. No, but here's my business card.
UKKYO. (getting down in their faces) Argh! That's not what I
meant.
YAKKO/WAKKO/DOT. (getting up in her face) Then what did you
mean?
UKKYO. Do you want something to eat?
YAKKO. Does a chicken have feathers?

[Ukkyo fries up three pancakes and serves them on plates. Yakko
looks at, then back up to Ukkyo. He pulls out a bottle and
shakes it.]

UKKYO. What's that?
YAKKO. Ketchup.
[He coats the pancake and starts eating.]

UKKYO. (looking at Dot) YOU'RE not going to use ketchup, are
you?
DOT. Of course not.
UKKYO. Good.
DOT. Mayonnaise tastes much better.

[Dot begins eating as well. Wakko picks up the pancake, throws
it over his shoulder, then begins to eat the plate.]

[Ukkyo stares blankly at all three of them.]

UKKYO. I've got to get a new job.

[Cut to streets of Nerima. Ranma is walking home with Akane.
Ranma is mumbling. Akane stops.]

AKANE. You've been saying that ALL DAY! WILL YOU STOP IT?!
RANMA. I got one right...I got one right...

[Akane clubs him.]

[Cut to outside of Ukkyo's Ryokan.]

DOT. I think we scared the poor girl.

[They see Akane hauling Ranma along the street.]

AKANE. That's the last straw, Ranma.

[Yakko pulls out a box and a straw, then shows them to her.]

YAKKO. No, this is.
AKANE. What is this?
WAKKO. That's getting very old.
AKANE. What are you? And what are you doing here?
DOT. You know, this would have saved a lot of time if someone
would have asked that first.
YAKKO. We're looking for a person, whose name is Ed. We've been
instructed to induct him into cartoon lunacy.
AKANE. Huh?
WAKKO. Like this hammer I have. (he pulls out a hammer) Can you
do that?
AKANE. Well...yes, of course.
YAKKO. Then you don't need to be inducted. See, we've been
instructed by the big guy upstairs to induct him. ID,
merchandise, his own show, the whole nine-yards.
AKANE. I think he's still at school.
YAKKO. Why there?
AKANE. He's helping the teacher.

[Cut to school. Ed is stacking some boxes in a corner. Ms.
Hinako (older) is grading some papers. Ed drops after putting
the last box on top of a shelf.]

ED. There...it's all done...
MS.HINAKO. Good. Now you can sweep file these papers. (she
points to a stack that's about 10 feet high next to her desk).

[Ed sighs.]

[The door bursts open. The Warners step in.]

YAKKO. Here we are, now where is-

[He sees Ms. Hinako.]

YAKKO. HELLOOOO TEACHER!

[Yakko and Wakko drool.]

DOT. What's going on?

[She sees Ed laying on the ground.]

DOT. Are you alright?
ED. That voice sounds familiar... (he looks up) YIKES!
DOT. What's wrong?
ED. (pointing) Y-y-y-you're Dot!
YAKKO. He's sure bright.
ED. How?
DOT. We're here to induct you into the halls of cartoon lunacy.

[Yakko and Wakko are about to sing.]

MS.HINAKO. What's going on here?
YAKKO. I plead the fifth.
WAKKO. I plead the seventh.
DOT. I plead half-and-half.
ED. This is not going well at all.
YAKKO. You think so? Try being in a animated feature that you
don't even belong in.
ED. Technically, I am.
YAKKO. What?
ED. In an animated feature.
YAKKO. Really? Which one? I might have seen it.
MS.HINAKO. Listen, he's my assistant. He has work to do. Now,
either make yourselves lost, OR I'LL GET RID OF YOU!
DOT. What does he need to do?
MS.HINAKO. File these papers.
DOT. I can do that! (she pulls out a file and begins scraping
the paper)
MS.HINAKO. That isn't what I meant!
DOT. Then what did you mean?
MS.HINAKO. To file them in the file cabinet!
DOT. Oh!

[Dot jumps into the cabinet and closes the drawer. There is a
scratching sound.]

DOT. (from cabinet) Do you have a flashlight? It's dark in
here.

[Ms. Hinako is about to explode.]

ED. Hey, Ms. H. Chill. You need to beat them at their own game.
Ahem. Hey Yakko.

[Yakko snaps out of drooling over Ms. Hinako.]

YAKKO. What?
ED. Sing all of the countries of the world, would you?
YAKKO. Sure!
ED. Wakko.
WAKKO. What?
ED. Sing the capitals and their states.
WAKKO. Okay (pulls out his fiddle)
ED. (to Ms. Hinako) Let's get out of here!

[He grabs her hand and begins running. Ms. Hinako reverts back to
normal.]

MS.HINAKO. Who are they?
ED. Animaniacs.
MS.HINAKO. That explains a lot.
ED. They can drive a person insane if you don't watch yourself.
Right now, we need a battle plan.

[Ed screeches to a halt.]

MS.HINAKO. What'd you stop for.
ED. They're in front of us!

[They turn around and run.]

YAKKO. (pulling out a walkie-talkie) Mr. Spielberg, we can't
corner him. He keeps us preoccupied.
MR.S. Be careful. Those Japanese animated characters can drive
you crazy with their antics. The bridge between your realities
is shaky. We'll be able to keep open for a generous amount of
time. You should hurry though, since we don't know how long it
will stay open.
YAKKO. Roger.
WAKKO. I thought his name was Steven.
YAKKO. It is. Roger is the film guy over there. We need to cut
to the next scene, okay Roger?
ROGER. Okay.

[Cut to forest. There is a flash of light. Four armored men
step out of the portal. Their armor is green, and they each
carry a comb in a sheath at their belt.]
>>> END OF PART 6 <<<
--
----------| Ed Hrzic -- Anime fan and fanfic writer! |-----------
......A MATTER OF OPINION...SUDS...VGHOSOI...MUNE KNIGHT........
"Surrender or die like lemmings!" - Omega Rugal, KOF '95
--------------------| bd...@yfn.ysu.edu |------------------------