[Ranma][FanFic] Special Ops Team 1/2, Casefile 2
Lawrence Chu
the jokes/non-sequiturs in this fic. There is one, I repeat, ONE
French swear-word in here. Other than that, the fic is clean.
Once again, I point out that this isn't supposed to hold to canon.
Any slips in character are intentional. None of the events in the
manga or anime are used, just the characters and locations themselves.
For expanded author's notes and annotations (and cultural reference
guide), just e-mail me. Oh, and they contain the translations to the
French words, just in case you want to know.
***
"Next order!" Ukyou called as she flipped another okonomiyaki on the
grill.
"Basic okonomiyaki, please."
Without looking up, Ukyou whipped up a basic okonomiyaki at a speed
where friction baked the thing more than the grill did and continued
cooking. "Okay. Next order!"
"Tuna okonomiyaki and a bottled water, please."
Without looking up, Ukyou made a tuna okonomiyaki, used her foot to
trip Konatsu, who somersaulted into the bottled water shelf, which
tipped over and miraculously dropped a single water bottle, which
landed in Ukyou's hand, who handed it over to the customer and
continued cooking. "Okay. Next order!"
"I'll take an onion okonomiyaki, a bottle of MegaVolt Cola, and...
oh..." The customer whipped out a gun. "Whatever cash you have."
Without looking up, Ukyou took out a pocket spatula from her
bandolier, threw it at the customer, which caused him to drop his gun
in surprise (as well as pin him to the back wall of Ucchan's, where he
got a thorough beating by the regulars), which landed on Ukyou's super
spatula, which she used to fling the gun back into the closet, where
it landed with a pile of other sidearms, and continued cooking. "Okay.
Next order!"
"I'll take the green pepper and beef okonomiyaki, please..."
***
They're quick.
They're deadly.
They're the #1 team of Agents that Special Ops has.
They're too young to drink.
They're...
Special Ops Team 1/2
A somewhat irreverent romp through the world of criminal espionage as
seen through the eyes of teenagers
by Lawrence Chu
a Product of My Imagination
Based on characters created by Takahashi Rumiko
All rights reserved. Used without permission. Don't sue, I have no
money.
***
CASE FILE 2: A FRESH-BAKED DEEP-DISH DELIVERY OF DEATH, SERVED
PIPING HOT!
or
I hate the Golden Pair!
***
Lunchtime at Ucchan's.
A wonderful place to be, as long as you don't put your elbows on the
grill.
Using the Kuonji Marital Arts Okonomiyaki Cooking Special Technique,
Ukyou produced a large number of okonomiyaki (three pork, five
vegetarian, three House Specials, one Ranchan no Supercombo, and four
marshmallow and chocolate sauce okonomiyaki for the four fat gaijin in
trenchcoats and fedora hats in the corner--they insisted, so she
cooked) and Konatsu swept them up immediately and delivered them.
Meanwhile, we see our heroes sitting at another table, patiently
waiting for their orders and their leader. Ranma and Akane were on
one end of the table, holding each other's hands underneath the table.
Ryouga was sitting on a chair, ready to explode from the looks on the
couple's faces. Tsubasa was the chair.
Ukyou eventually closed up the shop (after finally giving in to one of
the gaijin who insisted on paying for another hundred and ten
okonomiyaki to go) and sat down in the booth, across from Ranchan and
Akane. Although she wasn't particularly happy with their admission of
love for each other, she accepted it and gave up. Sure, she gave an
occasional glance towards him that lasted a minute or so, but she was
slowly working off of it. However, now she had to lead THIS jerk
around and make sure he didn't get lost, and it really got to her.
Oh, well.
They all sat there, talking animatedly (part of the animation being
sarcastic retorts and mild bapping), until Nabiki strode through the
door with a number of folders tucked under her arm. "File this," she
told Konatsu as she handed him one of them. He obliged and took it
upstairs.
"Down to business." Nabiki dropped the other folders down on the
table. "There have been a series of robberies in the area. Nothing
too serious, but the amount of merchandise lifted totals half a
million yen. There appears to be a connection to a dramatic increase
in pickpocketing within the last week, too. The only thing linking
all of these robberies is that a young girl and a teenage boy were
seen rollerskating or ice-skating in a number of the incidents. They
have since been identified as the Golden Pair."
She opened up one of the folders. "This is Shiratori Azusa. We
believe that she's the one in charge of the actual robberies
themselves. Look at that record of hers, and you'll see the pattern
fits." The folder was passed around the table.
Another folder was picked up and opened. "This here's Sanzenin
Mikado. Some of us may remember him from that kissing incident."
Ranma and Akane took this moment to shudder.
Nabiki continued. "His relation with Azusa appears to be purely
professional."
"Thank God," Ukyou sighed. Everybody stared at her.
"Er...*ahem* although he never steals himself and has even returned a
number of the items in the past, he has recently been suspected of
encouraging Miss Shiratori's kleptomania. We're still not sure why."
She rose from the table. "You are to find out exactly how Mikado
Sanzenin plans to benefit from this deal. First out will be Ranma.
One second." She rose and grabbed a cup of water and splashed it on
Ranma who, predictably, turned into a female.
"Hey! Whadja do that for?" Onna-Ranma screamed in protest.
"It's part of your undercover disguise. To complete it so that no one
recognizes you, you are to wear these." She handed over a pair of
sunglasses. Ranma put them on. "There. Now nobody will recognize
you."
Konatsu came down and looked at the table of five. "Hey, where did
Ranma-sama go? And who's the red-haired girl with the sunglasses?"
Nabiki looked at Onna-Ranma and nodded. "Now, your plan will be to
enter their known roaming spots. Your best bet would be the Kolkolz
skating rink. I suggest you get there ASAP. And don't forget to
establish the comm lines."
"You got it!" With that, Ranma ran out the door, but not before
looking at herself, imagining the mission ahead, and shuddering.
"Tsubasa, you are to follow Ranma. She's going to need backup
eventually, and I want you to make sure she doesn't turn back into a
male, voluntarily or otherwise. We don't want any, er, complications
to arise from this."
"Hai, Mistress Nabiki!"
Nabiki leaned forward with a growl on her face. "And I never want to
be called 'Mistress Nabiki' again. It's forbidden."
"Anything you say, Nabs." And with that, Tsubasa skittered off, which
sent Ryouga crashing to the floor.
It ought to be noted that Tsubasa was still in extreme cross-dresser
mode.
Nabiki straightened up again. "As for the rest of you people, we're
going to keep you as a 'brute force' team. Not that some of you
actually use brute force, but you guys have the ability to when you
want to." With this, a small arrow appeared, pointing at Akane's
head. Nobody noticed, because it wasn't actually there.
"Okay, that's what we have. Anybody have any questions?"
Ukyou raised her hand. "Do you have Sanzenin-sama's phone number?"
Akane and Nabiki stared at her. Hard. Ryouga just 'feh'ed and looked
away.
Nabiki straightened up. "If that's all the questions we have for
now--"
"YOU'RE just jealous, aren't you, Akane-chan? Now that you're
shacked, you want to find someone else, huh?"
"Shaddup!" *Whop*
"Hey, cut that out!" *CLANG*
"OH YEAH!?!? WELL, TAKE--"
"People." And soith Nabiki did speaketh, and soith the temperatureth
did dropeth by a numberith of degrees no less than two, and soith the
women did calmeth down. And there was much rejoicing. Yaaayyyy.
"Now that we've all taken out our aggressions, does anyone have any
questions _pertaining to the case_?"
Silence.
"All right then. Scramble."
***
C:\Terminal\>term
Welcome to Terminal v3.01c
Registered to: Tendo Nabiki
Serial# 8675309
dial nit
##############
RING
RING
RING
CONNECTION ESTABLISHED, PLEASE WAIT...
ESTABLISHED AT 33600BPS.
Welcome to Nekomi Institute of Technology server version 3.1
User:nabs311
Pass:#############
Error. Pass:########
Error. Pass:##############
Logged in.
>finger hit...@nit.edu.jp
######
We're not Home right now, so
Please leave a Message after the
Beep.
--Hitomi Hikaru
######
>talk hit...@nit.edu.jp /e:wpb
SENDING REQUEST...
ACCEPTED. ENCRYPTING CHANNEL...
SECURE.
<hitomih> whaddaya want? i'm kinda busy right now.
<nabs311> Just wanted to tell you that we're getting started. We're
getting everything filed in right now.^C
INTERRUPTED. PLEASE RECONNECT.
>encl sum.dat hit...@nit.edu.jp /e:wpb
ENCRYPTING...
SECURE. SENDING...
ACCEPTED.
>talk hit...@nit.edu.jp /e:wpb
SENDING REQUEST...
ACCEPTED. ENCRYPTING CHANNEL...
SECURE.
<nabs311> Got it?
<hitomih> ya
<nabs311> I'll make the report at 8. KoS.
<hitomih> got that. ranma's on the beep, one sec
<nabs311> How inconveDisconnected. Press ctrl-c to leave.^C
>list
USERS ONLINE (LIST ACCURATE AS OF 5:30:53.34195):
There are [15] users currently on the nit.edu.jp server.
<5dai>
<hitomih>
<jifjazzy>
<juraipri>
<kiyakumm>
<masakite>
<miyuki>
[nabs311]
<natsumi>
<nitsubod>
<romanovn>
<ryuuyash>
<scroggst>
<skechan>
<sofaspud>
<tydrippr>
>talk 5d...@nit.edu.jp
SENDING REQUEST...
ACCEPTED.
<nabs311> You still owe me for those pictures, you know.
<5dai> Hey, I'm broke! You gotta let me work off the price of those
pictures later! I already sold my bike off to that Higurashi
girl and gave you that, can't you work with that for now?
<nabs311> You could've sold it for a higher price. A much higher
price.
<5dai> Now hold on just a minute there! Don't you feel sorry for her?
She's sick all the time! I don't think it's right to charge
her full price for that kind of thing. Just go with what you
have!
<nabs311> I have a dinner date tomorrow, all right? My date will be
very irritated if I can't pay for my side of the meal. You
wouldn't want a certain Kanrinrin-san to know about a
certain little deal we have going, would we?
<5dai> Well, I guess I could ask for a rent exten^C
INTERRUPTED. PLEASE RECONNECT.
>INCOMING TALK REQUEST FROM hit...@nit.edu.jp. ACCEPT? [Y|N]y
CONNECTING...
CONNECTED.
<hitomih> all right, we have it going. every hour or else.
<nabs311> The brute squad'll be ready. You'll see.
<hitomih> brute squad? you going to send in anyone else besides your
sister this time?
<nabs311> :P
Disconnected. Press ctrl-c to leave.^C
>lo
DISCONNECTED FROM SERVER
quit
C:\Terminal\>cd\emulat~1
C:\Emulator Programs\>zsnes princess_maker2.sfc
***
And so, with "Beautiful Blue Danube" playing in the background, we
move to the Kolkolz Ice Rink. On the left we have many Golden Pair
fans holding pictures of their idol (some of them are waving around
posters of Azusa, too). To the right, an unpiloted zamboni paving
the rink in haphazard figures. Right behind it, Shiratori Azusa is
chasing it, screaming "Wai! Jean-Pierre Paul Luc-Alexandre le
Cinquieme! Come back to mommy!"
Continuing down the aisle, we come to one of the many exits to the
hallway and ticket office. Three doors down to the right, we come
to a door. This door is special, because it in itself is the Mecca
of many females in the Nerima district.
It is the portal to the dressing room of one Sanzenin Mikado.
We now have a good view of the door, which has been somewhat worn down
from fanatical graffiti. The outline of a star can be seen where the
last thirty were taken down. There is a peephole which looks INTO the
room (it's still unclear as to which party planted it, Mikado or his
fans). There are so many hearts and "I love you, Mikado-sama!"
messages carved into the door that hardly any of them are visible
anymore. Although the door was once two feet thick, the graffiti had
worn it down to a foot and a half, not to mention that this was the
third door they had to install because of the complete wearing down of
the other doors. And to top it all off, there are a total of seven
deadbolts to prevent anyone from coming in through the door. That's
right, anyone. Anyone. ANYone.
As we come in through the door, we see Sanzenin Mikado: the man, the
myth, the legend, the returner of stolen goods. And he is brooding.
You may ask yourself or me about why he may be brooding. The answer
is this: a certain red-haired woman and her short black-haired friend
were beginning to take over his mind. The reason they were doing so
was that the two of them were the most beautiful women in the area.
They were also the most elusive. Every time he attempted to advance
on them, they would pull away, usually with violent force. Ah, there
was nothing that he loved more than women playing hard-to-get.
We are now entering the dark maw that is The Mind of Sanzenin Mikado.
...
...
women
...
...
...
women
...
...
...
women
...
Um, perhaps we shouldn't do that. Instead, let us indulge ourselves
to a view of Shiratori Azusa, who will be walking in the door any
moment now.
*clack*
Ah, the beauty of narrative omniscience. Or perhaps narrative
omnipotence.
Azusa glomped onto Mikado and started kissing passionately. She
then took off his shirt ("Wai! Didier!") and worked her way do--
*WHACK*
I guess narrative omnipotence isn't everything it's cracked up to be.
Itai.
"WAI! WAI! LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND! SAINT-GENOLIER HAS COME BACK TO
HIS MOMMY! WAI!" she joyfully sang as she danced around, waving what
looked to be a discarded box of ramen.
Mikado didn't even look up from the pictures he was looking at.
Instead, he just brushed her off with a simple "Yes, yes, very nice.
Now please let me get back to my contemplation."
...
...
...
women
Er...*ahem* anyway, Azusa was very annoyed at Mikado and started
thrashing him over the head with her skates ("Ca-fait-mal" and "Ca-
fait-rien") repeatedly, until Mikado stood up.
"FINE! If you're going to be like that, GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU
INSOLENT LITTLE--"
He didn't even bother completing his sentence. Instead, he just
stormed out of the room, waded through the hordes of fans as they
tried their best to get his attention, stuffed a few of the bras
tossed at him into his pocket, and stopped.
There was a red-headed pig-tailed woman with sunglasses leaning on
a vending machine (must've been a new one--he didn't remember one
being there before). She looked familiar, but he wasn't sure where he
knew her from. He may have kissed her, but then again, he would have
remembered someone who looked like that.
He started ogling her from a sideways glance. First, off came the
Chinese shirt, then the black pants, and now the sunglasses--
*piku*
Without those sunglasses...she looked remarkably like...
...HER. The red-haired woman who cried tears of joy when he kissed
her. Possibly the most beautiful woman in the world.
Haha! Now to get back to get Azusa and have her do the voodoo that
she do so well... Er, she DOES so well.
***
"Are you sure this is gonna work?" Ranma whispered into the vending
machine. It jiggled back an affirmative in response. "Good. I
don't wanna have to go through this another time, hey? Just be
thankful you've never kissed him before."
There was a pause. Ranma stared at the machine. "Wait...don't tell
me that you've kissed him." The look in her eyes were pleading. If
anyone were around, they'd be wondering who she was pleading to.
"Please don't."
The pause lasted longer. Ranma was about to puke when it suddenly
dawned on her as to why Tsubasa wasn't talking. "Ah, Tsubasa, there's
nobody else around. You can talk, you know."
Tsubasa popped his head out of the machine, letting a few MegaVolt
Cola cans fall out of the dispenser alongside his head. "Oh! Well, I
was just going to say that after this, you won't have to worry about
him kissing you again!"
Ranma nodded and grumbled. "Yeah, I know. It's just that maybe
there's gonna be kissing before we're done, y'know? An' I'm afraid
that it's me that's gonna be kissed. I really don't want that to
happen, 'cuz I'm gonna puke all over him if it does, right?" She sat
and fumed a little more. She's cute when she's fuming.
Ranma yanked Tsubasa out of the vending machine and started kissing
passionately. She opened up Tsubasa's shirt and worked her way do--
"KACHUUTENSHINAMAGURIKEN!" *whamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwham
whamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwhamwham*
As the narrator dragged himself down to the nearest medical clinic,
Ranma continued fuming. Tsubasa smiled perkily and replied, "I don't
think you'll have to worry about that! After all, if something was
going to happen to you and you were gonna puke all over him, wouldn't
that be a sorta revenge? Hmm?"
Ranma nodded. "Yeah, I guess. But doesn't that sound a little si--"
All of a sudden, Tsubasa ducked his head into the machine. A small
blur whizzed by and whisked it away with a cry of "Juanita! Juani--
er--oh, wait, it says it has to be French here--Jeanette! Jeanette!
WAI!"
The blur sent Ranma's hair flying in its wake. "Hey, waitaminnit!"
she screamed, running in the direction of the lost machine. "Come
back here!"
***
Nabiki's radio flared to life.
//##abiki! Come in! Goddammit, hurry up! COME BACK H##E!//
"Ranma! What's going on?"
//They t##k Tsuba##a! They t##k T##ubasa! I don't know how that kid
did it, but she p#cked up the ENTI## VE##ING MACHINE and sc###ied away
with it! GET BACK HE##!//
"Well, yeah, for some reason Tsubasa always gets taken. I assume
you're following Shiratori-san."
//DAMN ###AIGHT I'M FOLLOWING ##IRATORI-SA##!//
"Ranma? I can't hear you too well. Can you turn down the mike a
bit?"
//Not n##, Nabiki. Just get everyone ready, okay? OH, SH##//
"Ranma?"
//########################################//
"Ranma!"
//########################################//
"Dammit, Ranma, come back!"
//########################################//
"RANMA!!?!??!!!"
***
*RRIIIIINGRRIIIIINGRRIIIIINGRRIII--*
>clak< "Hello?"
//They've got both Tsu and Ran.//
"Ah."
//What should I do about it? Brute Force?//
"Wait fifteen minutes. Then send in Brute Force."
//Got that.//
"Bye now." >clak<
***
"It appears you're missing something, yes?"
Sanzenin Mikado stood before her. Sanzenin Mikado, the famed ice-
skater. Sanzenin Mikado, the ladykiller. Sanzenin Mikado, the
Matt Damon of the skating world. Sanzenin Mikado, the biggest
playboy in the universe. Well, there's Ataru Moriboshi, but Mikado's
harem was completely willing. At least, most of them were.
Let's focus on the second item on the list, that bit about him being
a ladykiller. It is said that when Mikado deliberately turns on his
charms, many of the people within a ten meter radius melt under his
influence and make little heart eyes at him, including most of the
women.
Ranma, however, was NOT affected. "Yeah. Gimme back the dispenser
machine that your partner decided to snatch away from me."
Mikado gave a grin. "Why, certainly, my dear...how should I describe
your beauty?...my dear pig-tailed goddess."
Ranma's hands immediately went into Takahashi Devil Pose #46 (you
know, the one with the pinky, thumb and the index fingers pointed out
while the middle and ring fingers are clenched in) as she heard those
last three words. After swallowing the spit she was choking on, she
nodded. "Thank you, Sanzenin-san!" she replied in the most adorable
voice possible.
(Three blocks away, a wine-tasting session stopped because the wines
all seemed to go sour at once.)
"Call me Mi-chan, please. Right this way." Mikado opened up the
stage door and escorted her through it, whereupon he closed it
immediately, leaving the two inside.
Alone.
With a whole assortment of objects, ranging from fishcakes to beer
bottles to a pig that looked like P-Chan to a pointed stick to the
desired vending machine disguise with Tsubasa still inside it.
Ranma gagged, and prepared himself for what she would have to say
next.
"Ooooh, thank you sooo much, Mi-chan! I really, really need a soda
badly and this machine is the only one that sells Dr. Pepper! All
the other ones only sell Mr. Pibb! Thank you! Thank you!
Thankyouthankyouthank..."
***
Meanwhile at Furinkan High School, the Chem Club was busy working on
another experiment. The leader examined one of the members, occupying
himself with some dangerous chemical.
"Be careful with that one. If the sugar levels are raised any higher,
the entire solution will become extremely volatile and react to the
slightest detail."
It was at about this time that Ranma spoke the aforementioned line.
*KABOOOM*
***
Mikado gave his most winning smile (which sparkled like the Dickens,
a trick he picked up from his cousin Mitaka) and made an extra clause.
"Of course you may leave, dear, but on one condition: you must kiss me
as a reward."
THIS stopped Ranma. "A...a kiss?"
Mikado nodded. "A kiss. Or else you stay here with your precious...
er...vending machine."
Ranma stopped, thinking this one over. "A kiss?"
Mikado started...getting impatient. "Yes, well, you might as well get
it over with; I know how much you enjoyed it last time, I suppose you
would jump at the chance for a second kiss, ne? Or perhaps..." he
raised his eyebrows suggestively-- "you would like to go further?"
Ranma, who was previously stunned and, for all intents and purposes,
catatonic, snapped out of it. "NO," she said, with all the hostility
of an ultra-nationalist towards a foreigner, or perhaps the hostility
of canonists towards the narrator.
Mikado, in what could possibly be called a brilliant attempt to use
his mind to do smart things, attempted reverse psychology. "Then
I suppose I'll have to leave you here ACK!"
Ranma removed the vending machine from Mikado's head. "All too easy."
She then darted out, with Tsubasa in disguise and all under her arm.
***
Thirty steps later, Ranma realized that carrying a vending machine
under her arm was physically impossible, as well as aesthetically
impossible. Although the first part of that realization could be
ignored, she knew that having something look...well, off...could very
well be a sin among mangaka. Let's face it, let's see YOU draw a
five-foot-tall person carrying a vending machine tucked under his/her
arm and not look bad. See? You can't do it.
With this in mind, she stopped and put Tsubasa-vendor down.
Bad timing.
You see, ever since the formation of the Golden Pair (which had
officially been around for about three years), Asuza would almost
continually beat Mikado about the head with her skates. The first
time it happened, he was out for a good three hours. However, with
each beating, he woke up in less and less time. The Sanzenin head
had developed an immunity so efficient that even his hair would spring
back into shape within a few seconds of getting clocked a good one.
So, when Ranma lowered the vending machine onto Mikado's head, he only
passed out for a few seconds. She didn't realize this, though. In
the meantime, he had quietly signaled for reinforcements (consisting
of him jumping up and down and pointing at Onna-Ranma) and brought ten
hockey players down on her, pinning her to the ground.
"I'm sorry, Miss...Saotome, was it?...but I suppose I will have to
keep you until your friends come looking for you. Especially that
raven-haired beauty, from whom I would like to steal yet another
kiss."
He paused. The narrator took this time to flee from the canonists.
*kliklikliklikliklikliklikliklikliklik* *SLAM* *rrrrmmmmmmmmbl*
Oops, looks like the fourth wall broke again.
"Say...why are you so...reluctant...this time around? I seem to
recall that the last time you accepted me with open arms."
Ranma's face contorted into a snarling mask of rage. Ryouga's lawyers
came by and slapped her with a copyright infringement suit.
"I didn't kiss you, you kissed me, you stupid [censored] [censored]! How
could you even [censored] believe that I would ever [censored] want to
[censored] kiss you, you [censored] mother[censored] [censored]
[censored] [censored] dog-and-horse-[censored] [censored]!!?!?!???!?"
Onna-Ranma didn't scream at Mikado.
"You...caught me at an inconvenient moment," Ranma stammered. Quite
literally, was the unstated subtext.
"Just as well, you kissed me. No matter, I suppose. Take her away!"
Ranma screamed and kicked furiously as the ten extremely burly hockey
players dragged her away. Too bad none of them were wearing Panthers
jerseys, because if they did I could've just ended the fic a heck of a
lot sooner.
***
Ukyou, Akane and Ryouga hovered outside the Kolkolz Ice Rink. Then
the narrator decided to make "hovered" a figurative word, and all
three crashed down to the ground.
They're definitely going to get me for this later.
Anyway, the three of them looked at their watch and heard the second-
hand tick, tick, and tick until the supposed fifteen minutes had
passed. There was nothing but ticking and ticking and ticking and
ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking
and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and
ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking
and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and
ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking
and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and
ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking
and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and
ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking
and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and
ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking
and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and
ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking and ticking
until finally the watch hit fifteen minutes. After the general
consensus that nobody had heard any reports from the radio, they
waltzed into the Ice Rink. Figuratively. We stopped playing
"Beautiful Blue Danube" about eight scenes ago.
Upon entering, Asuza swiped Ukyou's spatula ("Wai! L'ascenseur-
descend-le-trou!").
Ukyou likes her spatula.
Ukyou likes her spatula a lot.
See Ukyou run.
Run, Ukyou, run!
Akane likes Ukyou.
Akane likes Ukyou a lot.
Not in THAT way, you sick perverts.
See Akane run.
Run, Akane, run!
Ryouga likes Akane.
Ryouga likes Akane a lot.
Yes, in that way. But he never thinks of it like that.
See Ryouga run.
See Ryouga get lost.
"WHERE THE HELL AM I??!?!!?"
***
Ranma pounded on the door, desperation showing on her face for the
first time since...well, since the last time he saw a cat. His ego
was too deflated for a Mouko Takabisha, his Tenshin Amaguriken had no
effect whatsoever on the doors or the walls, and there wasn't anyone
around to pull a Hiryuu Shouten Ha with.
Well, there was Tsubasa, but he's the kind that only gets mad in the
cute manner, and it's never a hot anger.
It was very depressing. VERY depressing.
Enough for a ki blast. A BIG ki blast.
Camera focus on Ranma.
"SHISHIHOUKOUDAN!"
Screen fades into greenish-white light. Cue explosions.
*KABOOM*
Light fades back on Ranma doing a decent imitation of charbroiled
steak. Zoom out to reveal the rest of the room, undisturbed.
She sat down, perhaps more depressed than she was before. Somehow,
Ryouga's lawyers came in, slapped another lawsuit on her, and left
without opening or closing the one portal into the room.
Then the door opened, a figure blurred in and tossed something in,
and the door shut and bolted itself again with an audible *click.*
Ranma took a look at the new object on the ground.
Ukyou's spatula.
They were here.
There was hope, after all.
***
Ukyou chased after Asuza, with a smaller spatula (on which there was
a tag reading "sva svern der propertie di Svensker Chef, bork bork
bork" attached to it) ready in hand.
"Get back here, you crazy--Mikado-sama!" Ukyou stopped dead in her
tracks. Akane, in a manner only possible in stories designed for
really ridiculous situations, didn't stop in time and slammed into
Ukyou from behind, causing the latter to stumble forward into Mikado,
who fell down backwards like a person who fell down backwards. This
brought Ukyou on top of him in what could possibly be seen as a
compromising position to Akane were it Ranma underneath instead of
Mikado.
Ukyou blushed for a moment, then turned back to Mikado. "Help me,
Mikado-sama, you're my only hope! Your partner has taken my
MMRFGH!"
Mikado pulled away from Ukyou's lips while she melted in his arms
(not literally!) and spoke in the most intimate ladykiller voice
reserved exclusively for all the beautiful women in the world. "Take
no fear, my dear...ah..." he broke off for a moment. "Begging your
pardon, madam, but what is your name?"
"Ukyou."
"My dear Ukyou-chan, we'll get you your spatula back in no time at
all. ASUZA, YOU CRAZY GIRL! GIVE THIS LADY BACK HER SPATULA!"
Said crazy girl appeared out of nowhere and started whining. "But,
San-chan, I don't wanna give her up! Please?"
Mikado's face twisted itself in a most unflattering manner. "YOU...
YOU...YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO! YOU GET TO TAKE THINGS, I
KISS THE GIRLS THEY BELONG TO AND YOU GIVE THEM BACK!"
There was a long silence. He recounted everything he said within the
last five seconds.
"Oops."
His thoughts skated through the ice rink of his brain to figure out a
way to cover it. Oddly enough, his first impulse was to switch to an
alternate plan that he actually thought of before! Wow!
Anyway, he turned to Asuza and barked out, "Plan B! These two! Now!"
Asuza took Akane's and Ukyou's stunned pauses as an opportunity to
steal their consciousness.
***
*RRIIIIINGRRIIIIING*
"Never fails. You get ready to go online and there's a ring at the
phone."
*RRIIIIINGRRIIIIINGRRIIIINGRRI--*
"Yeah, what is it??!?!?"
//Half an hour. Nothing. What should I do?//
"Well, obviously Sanzenin's got them."
//Really.// Nabiki's sarcasm was evident despite the telephone's
sound quality.
"Find someone to get them out! That's easy."
//But who? Can you get SOT 2?//
"Ah, agents R and A kinda had a...fallout over agent T again. They're
in the hospital. Agent R-O-K gives you a hearty 'Miya,' by the way."
//SOT 4?//
"You're kidding me. Six is out skiing, Four has gone out to wherever
he goes, One and her family are on vacation, Five is complaining about
how you and the rest of the team have been extorting money from him,
and Zero is busy trying to figure out everything with Two."
//SOT 1138?//
"The dog and the bunny? Are you kidding?"
//They've got guns.//
"No guns. Not us."
//Drat. Is there ANYBODY out there that can help us?//
"Sorry, kid. You're on your own."
//Damn.//
*CLA-CHACK*
***
Nabiki paced around back and forth, quietly venting her anger (as if
she could do it any other way). If she were able to perform a
frustration-based ki move, she would have done it now. However, she
couldn't.
It was nearing 5:30. There were no options left for her team. Either
she negotiated with Mikado, or somebody else negotiated with Mikado.
There was no way in Hell she was going to negotiate with Mikado. It
would mean that she would have to kiss him before the dealing was
done, like he probably would with any female he spoke with. And,
unfortunately, he wouldn't speak to any male negotiators.
That left Nabiki with a very, very perplexing situation. Where would
she find a woman who could negotiate as well as she could that had the
practical magic that would prevent Mikado from kissing her?
"Oh, my. I hope Ranma-kun and Akane-chan and their friends will be
back soon. If they're not back in an hour, the cookies are going to
get cold!"
*piku* *piku*
*griN*
***
"...so this man isn't being very nice, and he won't let Ranma and
Akane come back home! I need you to ask him very nicely to bring
them back. Explain that if they don't come home you'll be very,
very sad and so will your sister."
Kasumi nodded brightly. "Okay! Should I bring the cookies with me?"
Nabiki shrugged. "Anything that you think will help Ranma-kun and
Akane-chan and their friends get out."
Kasumi smiled. If there were such a thing as a chibi-Kasumi, she
would be hopping up and down in enjoyment. "Let's go now! It sounds
like fun!" she practically sang merrily.
***
The Chem Club wearily cleaned up the remains of the science lab,
which had just recovered from being rendered unconscious by the
previous blast.
"Say, do we still have any more of that solution?"
"Yup, got some right here. It looks like it was untouched from the
last time. Wonder how that happened?"
It was at about this time that Kasumi spoke the aforementioned line.
*KABOOOM*
***
"That's right, Kasumi. Fun," Nabiki said, allowing herself a small
smile.
***
Mikado was ready to go and visit his beauties, who unfortunately all
had to be stuck in the storage closet that was Azusa's Storage Room
Number Twenty Seven (Or, as she called it, "Tous pour on et on pour
tous!"), when he heard a knock on the door.
Cracking open the door a little bit, he got an eyeful of two very
attractive young women.
"Sorry, ladies, autographs are only given when the rink is open."
He put on his best ladykilling smile, which looked like there were
diamonds spilling out of his mouth. The light brown-haired girl
stifled a giggle.
The dark brown-haired girl shook her head. "That's not what we're
after, Sanzenin-san. Let's just say that you took something from us
that we've...vested a great interest in."
"Oh?" Mikado put on a "Really?-I-have-no-idea-what-you're-talking-
about" look before saying, "Really? I have no idea what you're
talking about." The light brown-haired girl giggled again.
The dark-haired girl shrugged. "Please, allow me to discuss this with
my...associate, please."
"As you wish, ladies. I shall personally--"
"No need to, Sanzenin-san. We'll go outside ourselves."
***
Nabiki turned to Kasumi. "What do you think?"
Kasumi couldn't stop giggling. "He's so funny!"
Nabiki shook her head. "No, I mean, do you think you could ask him to
get Ranma-kun and Akane-chan and their friends back?"
The elder Tendo girl nodded. She would have covered her mouth to stop
the giggling if she weren't still holding onto the plate of cookies.
This caused the middle Tendo girl to smile a bit and pat her 'neechan
on the back. "That's the spirit, Kasumi. I'll be outside here if you
need anything, okay? Just scream if he gets too close for comfort."
"Okay!" And so, Kasumi went in, a plate of cookies her only other
accessory.
***
*CLAK* "WHERE IS THE KOLKOLZ ICE RINK!?!??!?"
"NO, hold onto the door! NonononononononononoNO!" *TZAMMM*
Onna-Ranma _just_ missed her opportunity keep the door from closing.
"Just great, Ryouga, now we're all stuck here!" Onna-Ranma pouted
again, because the author likes watching her pout. She's CUTE that
way. Just ask Kenko.
"Oh...er, sorry. Um..." he looked at the two girls, the guy-turned-
girl-in-guy's-clothing, and the guy-in-girl's-clothing, and a single
thought crossed his mind. Something that might...take their minds off
of the trouble that they were in. Yeah, that's the ticket.
"C'mon, people, let's sing! o/~ Hate is very, very bad... o/~"
***
People always say that when a girl is alone with Mikado, anything can
happen. It is said that there is always a large amount of sexual
tension in the air, and that, exactly a hundred percent of the time,
the tension snaps and the sparks fly.
Obviously, they weren't watching the might-be-called-a-conversation
between Mikado and Kasumi. At least, not from Kasumi's side.
"Would you some cookies? They're fresh baked."
"Sure, ah..."
"Tendo Kasumi."
"Sure, Tendo-san."
Mikado was sweating. He WANTED to kiss her, but something inside told
him that doing so was completely wrong. From someone whose conscience
allowed him to break up married couples and long-term relationships,
this was pretty amazing, considering that she even looked single. The
words "oedipal complex" started running through his head, but they got
stuck in his hair gel and never reached the brain. He probably
wouldn't know what it meant anyway.
Kasumi was still in a giggling fit. This man was funny! He was also
very nice. She didn't understand why such a nice man like him would
want to keep Ranma-kun and Akane-chan and their friends from coming
home for dinner. And look! He was enjoying the cookies, too!
Mikado's mouth met a piece of Heaven, and this time it wasn't a girl.
The flavor! The texture! The warmth! of the cookies kept screaming
words like "WOW" and "DELICIOUS" into his head. If there were ever a
death by gourmet cuisine, this would have caused it, but Kasumi was
just starting on her Martial Arts Bakery katas.
"This, my fair lady, is by far the best cookie I have ever had. Have
one yourself!"
"Oh, no, I couldn't possibly--"
"But I insist, Kasumi--" He deliberated. How should he address this
fine specimen of a young woman? Ah, yes. "--chan. It would be
rude to turn me down, would it not?"
Kasumi giggled even more. "I suppose it would, Sanzenin-san--"
"Mi-chan, please."
"--Mi-chan. Very well, then."
He watched, enthralled, as she took a cookie and placed it in her
delicate mouth. Her eyes closed and she smiled as she took a nibble,
then a larger bite, out of the cookie. Her mouth worked, oh so
sensuously, over the smooth, creamy flesh that was the cookie dough
batter. Her eyelids tightened and she let out a small "mmm" that
sounded innocent, but was so...so...erotic! Kami-sama, this lady was
actually turning him on! He leaned over to bite the other half off
and let their mouths meet...
Kasumi realized that she forgot all about napkins! Oh, my! How could
she be so clumsy, so inconsiderate, so unclean? She turned away to
pick up a few from the side table, and turned back to see Mi-chan
lying on the floor. My, my, what a funny man! She giggled.
Mikado would have scowled if it were physically possible within a ten-
foot radius of Kasumi. Or if it were possible while seeing Kasumi
giggle.
"I'm sorry, Mi-chan. Would you like a napkin? There you go. Now, I
hope you don't mind if I ask for a very special favor, but--"
"Not at all, Kasumi-chan. Not at all."
Mikado stopped. They were getting a bit close. Maybe he could hold
her hand or something, something small like that. Then he could push
it a little further, and further, and take her lips.
His hands inched closer and closer to hers, while looking up at her
eyes. It wouldn't be too long now...
Kasumi looked at him, his hand, and immediately deduced what it was
Mikado wanted.
"If you wanted another cookie, you could have just asked! Here you
go!" She took the plate and held it to him.
"Huh? Oh! Er...thanks." Mikado looked a bit disappointed in what
didn't take place. Kasumi, however, looked genuinely pleased that
he liked the cookies so much that he wanted another one.
"Back to what I was talking about...I think you have my little sister
and some of her friends, and I really, really, don't want to serve
their dinner cold, so could you please bring them back?"
Mikado made the connection. Ah! So beauty runs in their family! Now
how could he steal the lips of this Tendo? She was equally as
beautiful, but her lips were untouched by him, unlike her younger
sister's.
The thought of kissing a pair of sisters was beginning to turn him on
again. He leaned forward, trying to put his hand on her leg. Slowly,
easy, just act as if it were nothing casual...
"WAI!WAI!WAI! JE-SUIS-LA-JE-VIE! JE-SUIS-*WHOMP*"
Apparently, Asuza bounced off of Mikado's hand, snatched the plate of
cookies, and hit her head on the ceiling after underestimating its
height. The cookies and plate landed back into Kasumi's lap,
completely undamaged.
Mikado, temporarily stunned by this previous interlude, continued.
"Ah, yes. You are Tendo Akane's sister, correct? Your beauty shows
in all your family members. I would have released them a long time
ago, but they hadn't cooperated with me."
"Why not? What did you want from them?"
"I asked for..." He felt dirty admitting this to Kasumi-chan. "...I
asked for a kiss."
Kasumi paused.
"And, in exchange for their return, I must..." Oh, Kami-sama, he felt
REALLY dirty saying this. Sure, he could just kiss someone and not
feel guilty, but actually asking it of Kasumi-chan?-- "I must...ask
you for...a...a..."
DAMMIT, JUST BLURT IT OUT AND GET IT OVER WITH! WHY ARE YOU HAVING SO
MUCH TROUBLE NOW, YOU COWARD?!?!?!?? "for...a kiss."
Kasumi smiled brightly. "Okay! Luckily for you, I DID made some kisu
soup!" She pulled out a steaming bowl of soup from Kasumi-space and
held it in front of him.
Mikado facefaulted.
Directly into the soup.
While she was still holding it.
Because of physics, he wound up connecting with it and brought it down
to the floor with him.
The bowl was ceramic.
"Oh, my."
***
Nabiki heard the crash outside the room and jumped in, taser at the
ready. If anything happened to Kasumi-neechan she'd zap his puny ass
to next Tuesday! Oh, wait, Kasumi's fine and Mikado passed out.
That's okay.
"So?" She asked Kasumi.
"He said he'd release them if I gave him kisu soup, so I brought some
out and he fainted into it."
Kisu soup? That didn't sound like--oh. "I think he asked you for a
kiss."
Kasumi blushed. "Oh, my."
"Oh, my, indeed. Did he tell you where they were?"
"No, but I think they're somewhere in that door over there." Kasumi
pointed at the other door in the dressing room, the one that said
"ASUZA'S CLOSET. GET OUT! MINE! MINE! ALL MINE!"
Nabiki ran over to it. "Okay, I'll check it out."
***
FIVE MINUTES LATER...
o/~ Is this the real life?
Is it a fantasy?
Caught in a land slide
No escape from reality o/~
o/~ Open your eyes, look up to the
skies and see
I'm just a poor b-- o/~
Nabiki opened up the door to see Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, Ryouga, and
Tsubasa singing in perfect five-part harmony. She stopped, then gave
Nabiki Vicious Grin #562 ("Time to take more from their paychecks!")
while the others sweatdropped.
"Mikado's out like a light. Let's get him, now. Oh, and Ukyou?
You'll need this." Nabiki tossed her her spatula, where it lay, next
to the door. "LET'S GO!"
***
Three girls, one guy, one guy-turned-girl-in-guy's-clothing, one guy-
in-girl's-clothing, one wolf-in-sheep's-clothing, and a partridge-in-
a-pear-tree raced through the maze that was Asuza's storage closet.
Oddly enough, Ryouga wasn't getting lost, but that might have been
because Ukyou was dragging him along.
After five minutes of running through different rooms, they finally
made it out to the actual dressing room, where they met up with an
unconscious Mikado, Kasumi, and something like ten hockey players
eating Kasumi's cookies (much to her delight).
However, that stopped as they saw the fearsome foursome, the
troublesome transvestite and the malicious mercenary jump out of the
dressing room door. Immediately, the hockey players circled around
Kasumi, ready to defend her with their lives.
"No, no! She's with us! I think you're supposed to fight us or
something."
One of the guys, who could be called their leader for convenience's
sake, made a face of realization. "Oh. Well, in that case...LET'S
FIGHT!"
The entire team cheered, and escorted Kasumi to the sidelines where
she could safely watch everything. Nabiki and Tsubasa walked over
there by themselves.
The sidelines watching the show looked kinda like this:
Wall Nabiki An unconscious Mikado A cross-dressing Tsubasa Kasumi Wall
And for those of you who were wondering, Asuza was still stuck in the
ceiling.
The hockey players set themselves into an attack formation and charged
the four other combatants. The leader shouted, "ONWARDS! ONWARDS TO
VICTORY!!!"
Approximately 2.014 seconds later, the three remaining hockey players
retreated, yelling out, "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! MAYNARD, BRING OUT THE
HOLY HAND GRENADE!"
"Maynard's dead, sir."
"Bugger. Well, then, bring in reinforcements!"
"Right! ONWARDS! ONWARDS TO VICTORY!!!"
***
NOW it was a good fight. Don't ask me how they fit fifty hockey
players into the room. They must have all played the same frathouse
games or something.
The fight scene looked like something out of a Jackie Chan movie, if
you took the number of good guys and bad guys and multiplied them by
four. Take Ranma, for instance. He was having fun, inventing some
kind of breakdancing kata in which he walked around on his arms and
knocked people out with his feet. One poor fellow's shoulders became
the resting place for Ranma's shoes as he pulled off a physically
impossible flipkick.
Akane, for reasons unknown, was fighting with Mikado's dressing chair,
flipping over it and bashing someone's head with it, blocking with it
and counterattacking with a mallet strike, et cetera. She then topped
it off by spiral driving into the crowd with her fist in front.
Ukyou...was...well, making okonomiyaki and feeding some of the hockey
players. She neglected to mention that SOME of the ingredients were a
LITTLE bit stale...and about ten of them left to go use the bathroom.
She then proceeded to put that megaspatula to some good use.
Ryouga, despite his natural moodiness, was pretty happy at the moment.
Fighting was his element; he reveled in it. A lot. At the moment, he
was imagining that the hockey players looked like Ranma, and that all
of them were making fun of him and that they were saying that they
were better than they were...it made bashing their faces in a hell of
a lot more fun.
Ranma was tired of having his face bashed in by Ryouga, so he tossed
the Lost Boy into the crowd of hockey players. Unfortunately, he
sailed in a vector that sent him crashing into Asuza.
This looked like it was getting interesting.
***
Mikado woke up, his mind fuzzy. Very fuzzy. His head swam among a
flurry of voices:
"EERGH!"
"OUCH!"
"ITAI!"
"WAI! UN-PONT-TROP-LOIN! UN-PONT-TROP-LOIN! COME BACK TO MOMMY!"
"FIGHT! WIN! PREVAIL!"
"QUICK ROBIN, TO THE BATMOBILE!"
"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"
"BLIZZARD YUKIIIIIIIIIIItai..."
"GACK!"
"CHEKU BOUCH!"
"HRRRRRK!"
"GURK!"
"DRAGU SLAAAAAEEEEEOUCH!"
"ALBERT-CAMUS-A-T-ESCRIT-L'ETRANGERE! WAI!"
"I'm the mechanical--I'm the mechanical--I'm the mechanical man."
But through it all, he was able to hear one voice, the one he wanted
to hear the most.
"Mi-chan! Are you all right?"
He turned to his left, where he could make out a figure right next to
him. His sight was quite blurry, but he could note a few features.
Female.
Light brown hair.
Kasumi.
"Ah, my dear Kasumi-chan..."
He reached up for the kiss. He needed that kiss, it would help him
defeat the scoundrels fighting in his dressing room...or what was that
thing he was trying to do earlier? Why were they all fighting?
Yes, a kiss would definitely clear his mind up.
And, all of a sudden, his hand reached out and pulled her lips down to
his.
***
The fight stopped as Mikado went for the world record of "Longest Kiss
to Ever Take Place During Combat." Given that this had hardly ever
happened before and that whenever it did happen, one of the two
parties involved would get shot, it wasn't a very long record.
Mikado, however, had every intent to keep it up as long as possible.
In the meanwhile, Ukyou took a sink out of Kitchen-space, puked in it,
and passed it around to the other team members. They went through
seven sinks like that.
Kasumi just stared at the couple. "Oh, my."
After a minute and a half, Mikado came up for air. "Ah...only a
goddess like you could ever wish an opponent so much luck! Thank
you, Kasumi-chan!"
Ranma stared in horror, and was barely able to stammer out, "That
ain't Kasumi..."
Tsubasa snapped out of his shock. "Huh? What happened?"
It took him all of three seconds to figure it out.
After five minutes of nonstop abuse on Tsubasa's part, the other four
teenagers had to restrain him from killing Mikado. That didn't stop
him from spitting on the body.
"I'm not Kasumi, I'm a MAN, you creep! And keep those hands away next
time!"
Mikado didn't understand. "B-b-b-ut--you, you, you--"
At that moment, Azusa stole Tsubasa's wig. "Merde-de-putain!
Merde-de-putain! Wai! Waiwaiwaiwai*CLANG*"
At about the same time, Mikado's eyes came into focus and something
inside his brain started screaming "THAT'S NOT KASUMI! THAT'S NOT
KASUMI!"
And the Golden Pair fainted. One from Ukyou's spatula, the other from
shock.
Tsubasa stood there for a second before getting an idea. "Ukyou-sama!
Allow me the pleasure of delivering Mikado's kiss to your lips!"
*CLANG*
***
END CASEFILE 2
***
Endnotes:
Wow. This one took forever. It's a bit larger than the previous
chapter, and definitely larger than I ever thought it would be. The
amount of effort in writing this came from an excess amount of energy
from studying for exams. Matter of fact, I've done several other
things which I'd left off for a month or so at the same time, too.
Although I like the idea behind this fic, it's getting progressively
harder and harder to write it and still keep the humor running. I've
got a third casefile in my head, but how it's going to come out is
completely up in the air. Please, PLEASE come up with open feedback
on the fic. Public, private, whatever!
If you want the running commentary/author's notes on the fic (which
includes all the French Translations), just e-mail me and I'll have it
sent to you as promptly as possible. By now, it's a bit outdated, but
you'll get most of it.
And anyone who actually remembers this fic's original title and was
wondering what happened to it, I decided to save it for the next file.
John Woo fans'll understand why when they start reading... ^_-
In the meanwhile, thanks for reading.
Special Thanks go out to all my prereaders: Kyle Emmerson, TR Scroggs,
Yasha, L.A., Bryan Payne, Giovanni Guerrero, and Jiro Maeda!
This has been a Product of My Imagination
http://pomi.sandwich.net/
--
"To you and me this rice means nothing, but to my ancestors...don't mess
with my family. Apologize to the rice." -- Chow Yun-Fat
To reply to me personally, remove the "spameraser." part of my e-mail
address.