[Ranma][BnB][Xover] Beavis and Butthead One/Half

[James Eades]

Warning Label: This fanfic contains foul language, bathroom
humor, bad jokes, sexual innuendo and inappropriate statements.

Language Conventions: Since this story takes place in Japan,
Japanese is presented as the `standard' language, in normal
quotes (""). English is presented as ("<>"). If it seems to be
confusing at first, just bear with me. It gets worse.

Partial Disclaimer: Characters from Ranma 1/2 are property of Takihashi
Rumiko; Beavis and Butthead are property of MTV, and all are used without
permission. The Standard Disclaimer is at the end of the last chapter.

This is a RanmaFic. Really. It is just that tonight, Ranma's
guests are:

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD ONE/HALF

CHAPTER ONE

Thunder rumbled above the streets of a small, midAmerican
town. It was a night which could only end in disaster. A
quirky wind played with the grass on the unkempt lawn,
whipping bedraggled bits of paper into the air. Raindrops
began to fall ominously.

In the small frame house, two youngsters slept.

One twitched in his sleep, his blond hair wet with sweat
as he panted with exertion. In his dream, he wore a loose
white outfit, bound at the waist a by black belt with
diamond points which spelled out his name. Evil ninjas
fell by the dozens as he lazily swung his deadly fists.

The other lad puffed huge breaths between gums shored by
metal braces, as he stomped through primeval forests
looking for prey. He was Tyrannosaurus Rex, the most
fearsome creature ever created. Giants of the prehistoric
world fled in fear and awe, for he could slash them apart
with his claws, rend them with his teeth. The small
creatures were beneath his notice. Besides, they kept
getting stuck in his bridgework...

Unnoticed, he morphed into a common superhero, thrown into
a dungeon while attempting to rescue an heiress.

Rain rattled on the roof, a sound dimly heard in the
cluttered bedroom. On a grimy bed Butthead stirred
restlessly. He had no reason to fear the rain, but the
sound triggered associative relays in his mind.

The patter of the rain in the gutters became footsteps.
They were coming for him and his girl... woman... whatever
this gorgeous creature was who clung to him. Any minute
now, they would fling open the massive steel doors of the
cell and attempt to kill Butthead.

They would fail.

They would fail because it was time to become...
SuperButt! More powerful than Led Zeppelin! Faster than
REO Speedwagen! Better looking than...

No, no, no... He'd already done that. Instead, He
became...

SuperKingKongZilla!

His massive arms swelled until they were like treetrunks,
his pebbled skin like alligator hide. With huge jaws, he
bit through the titanium steel of the cell doors and freed
himself and the two gorgeous babes with him, one blonde
and one brunette. No, one was blond and the other was a
redhead. No, they were both blondes. And they loved him.
They clung to him and pressed their bosoms to him and did
wonderful things with their long graceful hands while they
told him how much they loved him and...

Thunder boomed very close by.

Instantly awake, Butthead did the first thing that came
into his mind. He ran to check on the TV set. It seemed
to be undamaged, the little numbers came on and the screen
began to buzz and lighten... but there was only snow on
the screen.

"<Aaagggghhhh!!!>" Beavis screamed from behind him.
"<The cables gone! The cables gone! The cables g..
<smack!>>"

"<Enough, already,>" said Butthead, taking charge of the
situation. "<The lightning knocked it out. We gotta
wait 'til it comes back on.>"

"<They won't work on it now! It's three in the morning!>"
Beavis quavered.

--------------------

<ring> "<Hello?>"

"<911 Operator. What is the emergency?>"

"<Yah gotta get over here right away! It's dead!>"

"<Calm down, please. Who is dead?>"

"<Everything! I can't get nothin'!>"

"<Please calm down, sir. Tell me what is wrong.>"

"<There was this big boom, see? An' everything went dark.
I was having this kick-ass dream, see, and...>"

"<Wait a minute. Is this Mr. Butthead?>"

"<Yeah, yeah. Hurry up! I'm gonna miss Blowhard's new
video!>"

"<Mr. Butthead, what have we told you about making these
prank phone calls?>"

"<This ain't no prank call! It's dead! All I get is
snow!>"

"<Oh.... Snow, like in a television screen?>"

"<Yeah, yeah... that's right! My TV's dead!>"

"<Ahhhh... Mr. Butthead, would you please call the cable
company? I understand they had some lightning damage in
the storm.>"

---------------------

<ring> "<Yeah?>"

"<Ya gotta fix my TV!
I'm gonna miss Blowhard!>"

"<Butthead, right?>" "<Who are you talking to?>"
"<Aw, it's Beavis and Butthead
again.>"
"<Not them! Get rid of them!>"

"<Yeah, yeah! Hurry up!>" "<What do I say?>"
"<Tell him we'll get it when we
can. He has a whole city ahead
of him.>"

"<Uh.... Butthead, we'll
get to it as soon as we
finish the other
emergencies.>"

"<Crap!>" said Butthead, "<You wouldn't believe the last
"<I wish I *was* a dinosaur! thing they tried to pull...>"
I'd eat up that place like
Godzilla!>"

They stared at the snow for minutes.

Eventually, Beavis yawned. "<Well, I gotta go back to
sleep.>"

"<Me too,>" agreed Butthead. "<I was having a cool dream.
I was a dinosaur. I kicked butt.>"

"<Yeah... <yawn> I was a martial artist.>"

"<What'd ya do? Paint Martians?>"

"<I was a kung fooer, Dimbutt. I beat up a whole army!>"

"<Yeah. We oughta have a dream together sometimes. We'd
wipe up the place.>"

"<Yeah,>" then snores.

"<Yeah,>" Butthead grinned as he lay back on the pillow,
light from a street lamp glinting off his braces. "<Yeah,
that'd be cool.>"

Morning brought calm, a faded sun peeping through clouds,
and still no cable.

"<This sucks.>" announced Butthead.

"<Let's go borrow someone's TV,>" suggested Beavis.

"<*Everybody's* TV is out, Dummy! We'd have to go clear
to China to find a TV that works!>"

There was a knock at the door. Springing to admit the
caller, convinced that it was a message about the cable,
Beavis instead encountered a figure in loose shirt and
dungarees with a yellow bandanna wrapped around his head.

"Excuse me. Is the Furinken High School anywhere around
here?"

The two boys looked at one another. They did not
understand Japanese. Of course, there are those who would
argue that they could not understand English, either, but
that is part of the story.

After a long pause, they began to discuss what they had
heard.

"<Huhuhuh. He said frinkin',>" Butthead noticed.

"<Yeah. Heeheheh.>"

"<Huhuhuhuhuh.>"

"<Hehehehehehe.... what's frinkin'?>"

"Oh, well. I guess not. Excuse me."

Seeing the figure turn desolately and prepare to depart,
Butthead had an idea. That is, an alien concept occurred
to him which had something to do with cable deprivation,
the prospect of another day at school, and most of all
this sport recently introduced to him (of which he knew
absolutely nothing) with the enticing name of 'frinking'.

"<I'm gonna follow him,>" he announced, but by then the
street was empty.

----------------

Japan:

The damp air of a cold dawn blew across the river,
chilling Ranma even more. A fine mist fell from thinning
clouds, ensuring his female form. Somehow, it seemed
appropriate.

>From the sash on her gi she drew the razor-sharp kanto,
placed it before her on the mat and bowed. The rising sun
lit a cloud to the west and from the reflected warmth a
darkness fell across her vision.

"Prepare," said a voice.

That voice... Mother? Almost she rose in alarm, then
remembering, subsided.

Nearby, a heap of fur, black and white and drenched in
red...

The knife was sharp. There was almost no pain going in.
But slashing across was cold and white hot and... Then it
did not matter, for with the skill of a master, her mother
carried out her own duty and brought her katana swiftly
and sharply down... The world spun and ended with a dull
-thump-.

Everything stopped, but before Ranma's hearing faded, she
heard a different note in the voice, almost tearful.

"Good-bye, son."

-----------------

"Yyyyaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!"

"Oh! Ranma! Did you have a nightmare?" Kasumi said from
the door, eyes wide.

"Hai. Another dumb nightmare. I bet something bad is
going to happen. I can just feel it."

"Well, I do hope you won't let it disturb you. I wouldn't
want you to be too tired to enjoy the trip to the Dumdmn
Caverns."

"No way I'm gonna miss *that*. The whole day out of
school, picnics and tournaments," He stretched mightily,
then added slyly, "Too bad Ryouga won't be there."

"Oh, Ryouga-kun is so well-traveled. He'll show up."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

--------------------
It was now later that day. The
youths had returned from their field trip,
with a casualty... Happosai.
--------------------

The weathered old hag balancing on a walking stick slid
the door to Happosai's room open, came out and bounced
over to where Akane and Ranma were waiting.

She said, "Happosai is deathly ill. What happened? There
was a disturbance in the force last night."

"You've been watching too many Star Wars movies," said
Ranma.

"It's all the same. Force, ether, vibrations. You live
three hundred years and you begin to feel things. What
happened?" The old hag frowned at him, "Do not make an
old woman repeat herself."

"We were cutting through the Akabaka Forest, when this
freak," Ranma indicated the comatose Happosai, "run up
trying to peek under Akane's skirt."

Akane crossed her arms and looked darkly at the old man,
but her frown could not remain cold and hard for long, he
was lying so still.

"About that time I caught him and hit him. Usually
doesn't do anything to him, he just hits the ground
running and comes back for more mischief." Ranma looked
almost bashful, then continued, "We must have disturbed
something when we were fighting, cause it came up out of
the ground and headed for Akane. Ugly, looked like greasy
smoke."

"That was what I felt," agreed the old hag.

"Anyway, Happosai got in the way, and this *thing* glommed
onto him by mistake. Big mistake. Never saw anything let
loose of anyone so fast." (1) Anyway, he seemed to be
alright until we were coming back through town. Then he
just collapsed, and we had to carry him."

"But the damage was done," observed Cologne. "It was a
hideously evil demon, trapped by a shrine seal. You must
have jarred the seal enough to allow it to escape."

"Yeah, well it went right back. Grabbing *him* would have
shook anything up," Ranma continued, puzzled, "But I
don't see why he is still out."

"Did you see the mark on his neck? The creature kissed
him. Obviously a kiss intended for Akane, but he
intercepted it."

"Whataya know? The little creep did something good, for
once."

"But it will cost him dearly."

"Huh? How so?"

"This 'kissing demon' did not run because it was repelled
by the old man. It is like a trap-door spider which waits
in its lair for a victim to come by. When it catches
someone, it 'kisses' them, and then returns to wait."

"Wait for what?" Ranma tensed, "I don't think I'm gonna
like this."

"It is a hideously evil creature which drains the life of
its victims through the spirit contact. It is so evil
that even Happosai cannot survive it. He will remain
paralyzed until his life force is drained away."

"Yeah, I knew there'd be a catch."

Cologne said, "He may be a perverted old man, but he nobly
risked his own life in order to protect one you love, son-
in-law."

"He risked his life? The only reason he was there because
*I* hit him with a lucky shot. He was too busy trying to
peek up Akane's skirt to do anything noble."

"Nevertheless," Cologne pogoed up to peer closely at
Ranma, " you now owe him a debt of honor. You must do
your best to revive him..."

"Heh. I thought I heard you say 'revive him'. Just when
we have a chance for some peace and quiet around here."

"...Otherwise, he will die and you will never be able to
repay your debt."

"Urk..." Ranma drew away from her for a moment. "Hey,
wait a minute! You just said he got hurt helping someone
I love. I gotcha! How can I be your son-in-law if I love
someone else?"

Akane glanced up quickly at him, then down at the floor,
whispering to herself, "Ranma?..."

"The man my granddaughter marries must have a heart big
enough to include a whole village," Cologne sniffed,
"otherwise he would not be worthy to be a chieftain."

"Ahhh, man..."

It finally dawned on Ranma how Akane might interpreted
what he said, but when he looked at her she was pointedly
not looking at him.

Cologne continued, "And, Happosai will surely die unless
we can find a cure. Since he was downed by the kiss of a
creature of unspeakable evil, he must be revived by a
creature of the opposite nature."

"Nani?"

"But who would that be?" asked Akane.

"Or what?" Ranma echoed.

"I do not know, " admitted Cologne, "But you must find a
way to cure him, and soon. He is not going to last long."

"Man, talk about mixed emotions...," muttered Ranma.

Akane said, "Where do we start? And what do we look for?"

"I will tell you after I study my omens," stated the old
hag, "But it must be soon. Very soon."

_______________

(1) The spirit was willing, but the flesh was rank.

---------------

In a small, midAmerican town, a stranger came upon two
young boys who were going about the healthy, wholesome
activity which marks American youth as the most highly
civilized people in the world. The first boy had stubbled
brown hair and braces. The second had a sharper face and
curly yellow hair.

"<Gimme back my money, dammit!!>"

"<I gotta get a bigger crowbar.>"

"<Hurry up!>" urged his companion, "<heheheh... I want a
chocolate fudgie!>"

"<Shut up, asswipe!>"

"<It was MY quarter it took!>"

"Ohyo!" spoke the stranger, standing directly behind
them.

"<Yike!>" duo-ed the two boys.

Two startled sets of eyes turned to face the third person,
a muscular lad with dark hair and a yellow bandanna around
his shock of black hair.

He spoke again, but the two lads remained frozen in place.
The stranger racked his memory for foreign languages, then
reached into his back-pack.

The stranger said, (from Japanese-English phrasebook):
"<Furenken High School for looking at I be>".

He got glassy stares in return.

"Oh, well," he muttered, "This obviously isn't it."

Beavis said, "<E...Whad' he say?>"

"<Something about frinkin'. It's him!>"

"<Who?>"

"<The Porto Rican guy who came by when the cable went
out.>"

"<Cool. heheheh. What's Frinkin'?>"

"<I think he wants to show us. I'm gonna see where he
goes.>"

"<Yeah... heheheh... I gotta see this.>"

-------------------

At an unspecified place, in an unspecified region, in an
unspecified province, two rather short figures struggled
up to a signpost. On the sign were many different
translations of a single sentence, "Beware! Jusenkyo
Cursed Springs! Stay Away!"

One spoke.

"<Dammit, Beavis, quit pushing! I'm trying to read
this!>"

"<Right... heheheh... What's it say?>"

"<J... Jus... Jo-sink-hole, I think.>"

"<Let's ask this guy in the green suit.>"

"Ah, you are travelers, no?" The Guy in The Green Suit (a
guide) said.

"<What'd he say?>"

"<*I* don't know. Why can't he speak English?>"

"<Ah, forgive me. So you are English?>"

"<Whadda you mean? I'm not English... huhuhuhuh... I'm
not one of those foreigners.>"

"<Yeah... heheheheh... I'm Beavis, and he is Butthead.>"

Life was not going well for the guide; first the terrible
weather, then these tourists who insisted on being rude
and obnoxious. Very well, he would attend to them and
then go back to his shack for some soup and tea. He turned
to the nearest of the youths, a dark-haired lad with
stubbly brown hair and braces.

He said, after establishing languages for an interface:
"<Sirs, here we have the legendary cursed springs of
Jusenkyo...>"

"<Are you sposed to... uh... like curse at it, or
something?>" said the lad.

"<Yeah,>" agreed the second lad, with curly yellow hair
and a protruding lower jaw. "<Cause we know some good
ones. Like 'May your wiener get eat by a hot dog', or
something.>"

"<That was cool,>" agreed the first.

The second just... (giggled?... naw... chortled?... forget
it...) made an unpronounceable noise.

"<Yeah... We're looking for some chicks... and some
frinkin'.>"

"<And we heard you had some... like geesha girls...
heheheheh... >"

The guide beamed, the bearer of bad news. "<Ah, sirs.
This is China, not Japan. We do not have Geisha here.>"

"<Dammit, Beavis! They don't have any chicks here! Why'd
you follow that Porto Rican anyway?>"

"<You followed him too, Bunghole!>"

The guide spoke carefully, nervous about the way these two
were shoving one another. "<Please, you be very careful
around these spring. More than one hundred spring here
and all have own traj...>"

"<Shut up, Assmunch!>" cried Butthead, "We're looking for
chicks! We don't care about no dam springs!>"

"<Look, Butthead. These holes have sticks in them. This
is cool. Like, you can stand on 'em while you whiz.>"

"<Please, sir!>" the guide felt the first twinges of fear,
"You not... *gasp* Please, Sirs! Not in spring!>"

"<Yeah, Beavis... Bet I can hit that one over there.>"

"<That's just cause your stick's higher, Buttwipe!>"

"<Yeah... my stick's higher... that's cool.>"

Again the guide tried to avoid disaster, "<Please, sirs!
You not climb on... >" If they contaminated the springs,
he would have to perform the rites of purification.
Painful rites. Perhaps even fatal.

"<Just a minute... I see a higher one...>"

"<No! I saw it first! That's mine...>"

"<No way, Butthole!>"

*Splash!*

Alternate *Splash!*

"<Sirs!!... Oh, why must this happen?>"

The guide helped the first lad... ahh... person out of the
water. He explained as gently as he could to the dazed
youth. "<You, sir, have fallen into Nyanniichuan, spring
of drowned girl. Legend say anyone who fall in spring
take body of young girl when splashed with cold water.
*sigh* Now I must use hot tea water to turn you back.>"

To Butthead, he said, "<You, sir, have fallen into oldest
known spring, called ... *gasp*... oh, no...>"

"<What's his problem?... heheheh... Gimme your shirt. I
got water in my eyes.>"

"<Shut up, dillweed. Whatcha mean knocking me off in the
water, huh?>"

"<Say, Butthead... you look kinda funny...>"

"<Sirs, let me fix this...>"

<splash!>

"<Hey!>"

"<Back off, asswipe! I don't want no bath!>"

"<But, sir, to return to normal, you must have hot
water!>"

"<In your dreams, fartnocker. C'mon, Beavis. Let's get
out of
here.>"

"<Yeah... all this water sucks...>"

CHAPTER TWO BEAVIS AND BUTHEAD ONE/HALF

"Where's Pops? I gotta figure out something to do for
Happosai."

"Father and Mr. Saotome left this morning," Kasumi said as
she cleaned up the breakfast table, "They said for us not to
worry, they had the solution to everything."

"Hey, that's neat... I hope."

"Father said for us to be careful, there was a mugging near
the park last night."

"A mugging? In Nerima?"

"Yes, isn't it terrible?"

"Strange, I'd think. Who'd be that dumb? I mean, I ain't
the only martial artist in this area, I know."

"Nevertheless, he said for us to be careful."

"Right, right. Whatever."

---------------------------------

It was midafternoon in the Tendo household, when the back
door opened.

Kasumi looked up from her dishes and dried her hands.

"Konichiwa, Ryoga-kun. Welcome back. Who are your
friends?"

The stout lad looked behind him, jerked as though in
surprise, "They're not *my* friends," he asserted.

"But they came with you. Don't you know who they are?"

"Just a couple of gaijin kids who followed me around. I
couldn't get rid of them. And look at them! They just
walked in as if they owned the place!"

"All the same, they came with you. We really should treat
them as guests. Do you suppose they might be lost from a
tour?"

"I tried asking them, but they don't speak Japanese."

"Let me try. (to the guests) Ohyo gozaimas!"

"<She said Ohio... huhuhuh... This ain't Ohio!>"

"<Heheheh... Cute chick, though.>"

"<Huhuhuhhh... Ahhh... Illinois???>"

"<Geisha? heheheh>"

"Ryoga, they are speaking English... I think... Ask Nabiki.
She knows more foreign languages than I do. Oh, and I'll
bring some soup. I'm sure they are hungry."

-------------------------------------

"Who's the kids?" asked Ranma as he stole a neglected rice
ball from the counter, "Man, talk about ugly!"

"They are Ryoga's guests," said Kasumi helpfully, "He is
looking for Nabiki to translate for us."

"American, huh? Well, I can't help. I flunked English.
These two sound like chickens with all their huhuhuh and
heheheh."

"Will you show them around? Nabiki hasn't come in from
shopping, and Ryoga..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Heh. Trust *him* to pull something
like this." To the gaijin kids, he said, "Hey, guys!"

He was greeted by two blank stares. One spoke, but it was
just noise to Ranma.

"<Where's the bathroom? I gotta go.>"

"<Just gotta look around. See if this joker can help.>"

Butthead pantomimed taking a leak, which earned him a frown
and then a look of sudden comprehension from Ranma, who
guided him to the correct door. After long minutes and
strange noises (which sounded like experimentation with
various handles and knobs), Butthead exited.

On the way back, Ranma showed him the dojo where Akane was
practicing. The little gaijin's face was pale when he
returned to the living room.

Ranma was female when she returned to the kitchen. "I found
Ryoga," she said, "He was sitting in the closet. Said he
didn't want to be around these two."

"Oh, you're Ranko-kun, now... I thought you were..."

"Yeah, I was," agreed Ranma wiping her face with a cold
dishrag, "Grape soda. He's touchy today."

"It was very mature of the two of you to talk without
fighting, Ranma."

"Yeah, I'll tell him that when he comes to."

----------------------------

It was after Genma and Soun had returned that Nabiki made
the introductions.

"<My name is Tendo Nabiki. This is Tendo Akane, Tendo
Kasumi is in the kitchen; They are my sisters. Tendo Soun,
my father, is in the corner playing Go with... ah... the
panda.>" When this did not faze the two teenagers, she
continued, "<This is ah... Saotome Ranko, and Hibiki Ryoga
is in the... ahhh... the little room.>"

Beavis leaned toward Butthead and whispered, "<You wanna
know something funny? These weirdos all have the same first
name!>"

Ranma almost fell backwards.

"<I understood that!>" she exclaimed. "<How did I
understand that?>"

"<*You* don't talk funny,>" noted Butthead.

"<Yeah, but...>"

"What are you saying, Ranma?" asked Akane. "I can't
understand when you talk that fast."

"He just spoke to them in English," explained Nabiki,
"Better English than mine, I might add. Ranma baby, have
you been holding out on me?"

"Don't look at me!" Ranma shook her head in confusion.
"They just made sense when I heard them!"

The panda looked up from the gameboard and held up a sign,
[Me too!]

Butthead said, "<Ahhh... my name is Butthead and this creep
here is Beavis.... we're like ahh... traveling together, or
something.>"

"<Yeah,>" agreed Beavis, suppressing with reluctance a drool
of appreciation at the number of cool chicks in the room.
"<Or something. We're looking for some gir... Oww!>"

"<Shut up, Beavis! You want I should smack you again?>"

"<But they might show us...>"

"<Shut up, I said! Ixnay on the irlsgay!>"

"<But...>"

Butthead took Beavis aside, while their hosts looked on with
a mixture of consternation and curiousity.

"<Beavis, do you remember what happened in class when you
hit the watermelon with the hammer?>"

"<Yeah... splat!... heheheh... that was cool.>"

Butthead looked about cautiously and indicated Akane.

"<Ihay awsay erhay ashsmay ahay ickbray ithway erhay bare
hands!>"

Beavis's eyes grew larger as he surreptiously peeked (he
stared openly) at Akane. "<Ithway erhay arebay andshay?>"

"<Itway erhay hare... are... bare hands!>"

Beavis returned his attention to his companion, "<Onay
Itshay?>"

Meanwhile, Ranma was explaining her ability to the Tendo
sisters.

"I dunno what happened!" she said.

"Well, consider this," Nabiki sighed, "What would you have
in common with them?"

"Them???? Whaddya mean??"

"Well, look at them. They seem fairly normal, if badly
drawn, teenagers. And they are foreigners. They wander in
here from who-knows-where, following you-know-who..."

"I heard that!" exclaimed Ryoga from the other room.

"... and you know what *that* means."

"They could have been anywhere," said Ranchan.

"Oh, no," said Akane. She was beginning to understand
Nabiki's point.

"You *do* have an afinity for cursed people," Nabiki added,
"And since both you and your father somehow understand them,
I can only draw certain conclusions."

"One way to test it out," said Akane, rising to her feet and
heading for the bathroom.

Kasumi intercepted her.

"Surely you're not going to make our guests feel
uncomfortable, Akane? Cold water is such a shock. And if
they *are* cursed, maybe they don't want everyone to know."

"I just thought... Well, maybe you are right. But what if
they are cursed? Isn't it better to know *what* they turn
into?"

"They are our guests, Akane. Please?"

"Oh, all right."

Akane remembered some cursed visitors who had been... well,
rather homocidal about their experience. And the person
they were homocidal toward...

"Ranma?"

"Yeah?" Ranchan had been listening to the visitors.
"Kids!" she smirked.

Akane continued, "Are there any... other experiences you
haven't told us about when you and your father were in
China?"

"Huh? Ahh, no."

"Well, Nabiki has started me to wondering. Isn't it
possible these two are cursed?"

"No way. Heh. It took us a week to find the springs, and
we had a guide. These two couldn't even find their rear ends
with a roadmap."

"You forget who they were following."

"..."

Ranchan looked back at the two, who were in turn looking at
her. There was something about the way they stared, eyes
focused about her chest, breathing in a ragged rhythm, the
slightest drip of saliva beginning to wander from the corner
of their mouths, that seemed familiar.

"Oi," she moaned. "They could be Happosai's apprentices!"

Akane had observed the two and come to the same conclusion.

"We have to know," she said grimly.

"The sooner the better. Just so long as Kasumi doesn't know
about us wetting down her guests."

"And since when are you so worried about Kasumi?"

"Well, if she gets upset, she might not feel like cookin'."

"Oh, and *I* might have to?" Akane's face began to flush
with anger.

Ranchan felt a bashing coming on and hurriedly blurted,
"Right now, I'd better get these two wet and see what
happens."

"<Com'on, guys, let's get a bath!>" She started toward the
bathroom, and this time Nabiki made the interception.

"I hate to be a bother, but... aren't we forgetting
something, Ranchan?"

"Naw, I'm not. Are *you* forgetting something?"

"I really don't think you should... y'know... arouse our
guests this way."

Ranchan looked back over her shoulder at two rabidly eager
faces. "Double Oi," she groaned. "I forgot."

Kasumi came to the rescue with some cookies, which the
gaijin kids seemed to love. Later, she prepared a futon for
the two disappointed travelers, and they went to bed
immediately for a short nap.

"Poor children," she said, "They were too tired to take a
bath."

-------------------------

"Ranma! Mr. Saotome! We have visitors!"

"Okay, Kasumi!" called Genma, "We'll be right down!" He
and Soun gathered around Ranma.

"Son, we need to talk to you," Genma said gravely.

"We have found a way for you to help," agreed Soun.

"Well, why should *I* have to... what're ya doin'?" Genma
had reached behind him while Soun sprinkled some dust over
his hair.

"Removing the dragon's whisker from your braid..."

"Hey, wait!!!!.... what..."

"IchineesansheeGO!!" The 'Go' was punctuated with a pitcher
of ice water, and Ranma yanked away from her father,
struggling with loose red hair which came past her waist.

"What... what... what..."

"I know it sounds extreme, but we have come up with the
perfect way to revive Happosai," smiled Soun.

"I don't like it already!" growled Ranma.

"Cologne has said that Happosai must be revived by a
creature of supreme good."

"Yeah? What does that have to do with *me*?"

"Well, there is nothing better than a goddess." started
Soun.

"And a kiss from a goddess would surely wake our master!"

"Yeah? Look, I don't live in no dorm, and my name ain't..."

"But if you could just *look* the part, the master's
subconscious would do the rest..." Soun pulled bales of
silk from the shopping bags.

"Oh, no! No way! You guys ain't gettin' me in any costume
like that!"

"But it's for the good of the city!" blubbered Soun.
"Those bullies roaming the night are getting bolder, and the
only person who can run them off is Happosai."

"And you are the only person who can revive Happosai!" added
Genma, as he held the costume before Ranma.

"I think you guys are *nuts*. But okay, maybe..." Ranma took
the bright silk into her room, returning in splendid glory.
Down the stairs, the two awakened gaijin boys looked up, then
returned to wolfing their meal of tea and cookies.

Soun and Genma were awestruck. "He looks heavenly!" swooned
Soun. Genma started to agree, but seemed to choke on the
words. "He looks fine," he admitted.

"Now, what'a I have to do?"

"You must go to where the master lies stricken."

"Yeah, yeah, I got that."

"You must say, 'I have come from heaven to revive you.'"

"Oh, yuck. Do I gotta?"

"Yes, yes. It is very important. Even in his sleep he can
hear you, and if he truly believes what he hears, this will
work!"

"Right. And then what?"

"And then you kiss him..."

"What!!!!!??? No way!!! No how!!!! I'm outta here!!"

"Ranma!" Genma's voice cut like a knife.

"What?" Ranma, subdued by the tone, asked belligerantly.

"This is for your honor. Think of it, boy. He's dying
because of you. If you can do anything to help, *anything*,
you must do it."

"It ain't gonna help me if he gets well and I'm sick."

"Think of something else. Pretend you are kissing a stone,
or a watermelon."

"You're not making it any easier!"

"Pretend you are kissing anything. A frog. A pig," Soun
suggested.

"Yup, I'm outta here."

"Ranma. It must be done."

"How about if I kiss just his forehead... yuck. Even that
would be gross."

"That would be fine, boy. Just DO it!"

Happosai seemed even more shriveled than usual. His face
was strained, his eyes squinched tightly shut. Ranma leaned
over him, her costume flaring brightly.

"Say it!" called Genma.

"Ahhh... I have just arrived from heaven, and I'm gonna
revive you... I hope."

"That wasn't very sincere!"

"I gotta do something repulsive and you want me to be SINCERE?"

"Just DO it!!"

Halfway to the old, shrunken face, Ranma faltered. She
backed away and tried again, but she could stand to get no
closer than a half meter from the old man.

Until Genma pushed her, face down onto the shriveled chin.

Ranma snapped up straight, a strange look in her eyes. She
blew her cheeks out like a squirrel, then ran. Silks flowed
like a river of color as she bolted down the stairs, past
the two boys, and into the kitchen.

"Water!" She cried.

The bucket was empty.

The pitcher was dry.

There was only the dishwater in the sink that Kasumi had not
emptied. It would have to do. Ranma gargled with the stuff.

This had one unfortunate side effect. It was hot, therefore
Ranma-she became Ranma-he. And the hair began to grow.
Fast. Unreasonably fast. Horribly fast.

Ranma panicked and ran through the house, fleeing his
burgeoning hair.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa(splash!)"

Ranma wiped the water from her eyes to see Genma-panda
holding an empty bucket, a look of supreme fear on his furry
muzzle.

"What's up Pop.. urk.. Panda-san?" For only then did she
see who the visitor was, sitting in the living room.

Nodoka looked up from her knitting. She arose.

There were sounds:

The sylph suggestion of the laquered bamboo sheath being
withdrawn from a silken obi.

The whisper of a foot and a half of steel, steel which had
been beaten flat, folded, and beaten flat again a hundred
times, then whetted into unholy razor sharpness, being drawn
from that bamboo sheath.

The whistling song of that blade cutting through the air...
er... the hair.

Snicking through the hair. About shoulder length, actually.

"Just a minute, while I finish trimming the tangles. My
goodness, child! How did you get your hair so long? It's
gorgeous!"

"I been workin' on it," panted Ranma, eyeing the panda and
Soun, "And I think somebody gave me a special treatment."

-------------

Later:

"What did you guys do to my hair? It ain't never grew that
fast when I took the whisker off."

"Just some formula we picked up... It was fortunate that we
took that precaution, boy. If you had wandered downstairs a
few minutes earlier when your mother came in..."

"She's gone," sighed Ranma, "Pops, give me that dragon-
whisker. It's the only way I can get away from those young
hentai."

"But I thought you took it already," objected the older
Saotome.

" I didn't... Somebody else must have taken it. Kasumi, did
anyone else come in besides Mom?"

"Oh, yes. Cologne brought some supper."

A nearby hideous cackle raised Ranma's neckhairs.

"I thought you might try to welch out on your duty," said
Cologne, "So I decided on a little insurance. Revive
Happosai and I'll return your hairtie."

"Gimme that, you old hag!"

"Unh-unh-unh! I have hidden it, and nothing you can do will
make me give it up. Except your duty." She vanished on her
walking stick.

"Aww, man!" panted Ranma after a fruitless chase, "I knew
this was going to be a bad day!"

"Perhaps we should call Dr. Tofu," said Kasumi, "Happy-sama
seems to be getting worse."

CHAPTER THREE BEAVIS AND BUTHEAD ONE/HALF

Kuno also had a dream.

He sat on a mat on a raised platform on a porch overlooking
a magnificent garden, enjoying his children playing nearby.

A daughter toddled up to him, so like Tendo Akane that it
took his breath away. Her adoring mother came out of the
kitchen, bearing a plate of delectable snacks. She popped
one into Kuno's mouth and followed it with a loving kiss.
He held her gently and looked out over his estate. He was a
happy man.

Then his other children tumbled about him, playing a game of
tag. There was a girl, redheaded as the sunset, a perfect
image of his pigtailled goddess. Any moment, he felt sure,
his red-haired love would arrive with the tea service, and
his happiness would be complete.

Chasing the daughter was a son, and he looked like... Saotome?

The figure pouring the tea smiled at him. Too tall to be
his goddess. The hair was black. The face, bending to give
him a loving kiss...

Kuno awoke with a shudder.

"What peculiar dreams do assail me! Surely they portend some
momentous event!" he cried, "I know! The time must be at
hand to present my favors to the flames of my heart, before
that villainous Saotome can steal them away! I must act!"

---------------

Mr. Hashimoto, who ran the corner grocery, was raising the
shutters to his store. He turned away to come face to face
with an ugly creature with an orange mohawk, dark
curvilenear glasses, and gaudy pink earrings.

"C..Can I help you?" he quavered.

"Yeah, you can. Are you Happy?"

"Not at the moment," admitted Mr. Hashimoto.

---------------

Beavis lolled back in the steaming water, floating almost
asleep.

"<Oh, man, is this living!>" he sighed.

"<This is a big tub,>" noted Butthead.

"<And this water is hot!>" agreed Beavis.

"<No, jerkweed. I said this is a big tub.>"

"<Ahh... so?>"

"<I mean it's a BIG tub.>"

Beavis displayed a carnivorous smile as he nodded
understanding and climbed atop the tile bench.

"What in the world is going on?" cried Kasumi as she ran up.

Nabiki was leaning on the bathroom door, a sour expression
on her face as she listened to the shrieks of laughter and
booming splashes within.

"It's them," she said, "They are practicing bellyflops."

"Oh, my... Can't we stop them? They'll get water all over!"

"Be my guest," Nabiki stood away from the door.

"Ahhh... some other time, perhaps?"

"Kasumi, you've got to let us do something. It is not a
matter of them being cursed or not any more... they are
wrecking the house! Maybe we can talk to them. They'll
listen to you... you've got to get them to settle down!"

The older sister shuddered at the racket within the
bathroom. "It wouldn't be right," she said simply, "They
are our guests."

"Suit yourself," Nabiki sighed, and readied the mop and pail
for use when the boys finished.

---------------

"Akane, before you go to jog, would you hurry to the market
and get some sugar?" Kasumi called, "We seem to be out. Oh,
yes, and get some honey, too."

"But I got some just yesterday," objected Akane.

"I know. I am very sorry to bother you."

"That's okay... But I bet those two had something to do
with it!"

"I really can't say," admitted Kasumi.

"She just *won't* say they ate it all," grumbled Akane to
herself as she nipped out the door, "Why is she protecting
them?"

---------------

Akane returned from her morning jogging to find Ranma
sitting pensively watching the fish. After a moment she had
said nothing, so Akane moved closer to her.

"Are you all right, Ranma? It's not like you to be so
quiet."

"Huh? Oh, I guess the old creep bothers me. He don't get
any better. I didn't wanna believe that tale about the
demon, but now..."

"Well, there's really nothing you can do, 'til we find out
*what* will help."

Nabiki appeared after breakfast, dressed to go visiting,
taking advantage of the short school break to drum up some
business.

"Have you heard about the disturbance in the marketplace?"
she asked. "Buncha thugs going around hassling people.
They are looking for someone."

"Probably me," sighed Ranma.

"Boy, you really *are* depressed," said Akane.

Nabiki accompanied them to the dojo. Akane was talking with
Nabiki and Ranma, discussing the mob which had appeared in
the marketplace the night before, when Ranma's attention
seemed to wander. A mischievous smile replaced her frown.

"You're not paying attention to what I'm saying!" accused
Akane, "What are you doing?"

"Just looking at a full moon."

"You don't know what you are talking about! It's broad
daylight! And shouldn't you say *the* full moon instead of
*a* full moon?"

Then she turned to look at the window Ranma was facing. Her
face became bright pink.

"Ooooohhhh!" Akane growled, "I don't care *what* Kasumi
thinks! I'm getting some cold water!"

Just then, Kuno-sempai appeared at the dojo gate and spied
the girls.

"Tendo Akane! My goddess!" he exulted.

"Oi!" Ranma flinched, "Don't remind me of goddesses!"

"Oh, how the gods of fortune do smile upon me, this gray
day!" he continued, "Two visions of loveliness! Akane!
Pigtailled Girl! My cup runneth over!"

"Yeah, yeah, Kuno. What do YOU want?" said Nabiki.

"And the inestimatable Tendo Nabiki," added Kuno. He turned
back to Akane and Ranma, "I have come to warn you of the
dangers of traveling alone on the unprotected streets of
Nerima. There is mischief afoot."

"I *think* we are aware of some trouble in the marketplace,"
said Akane, "I assure you we can handle ourselves."

"Nevertheless, I am here to offer my services as protector
and bodyguard. With the Blue Thunder at your side, no foul
fiend would dare accost you."

"Oh, wow!" Ranma could not resist a ditzy simper, "Which
one of us are you offering to escort, first, hmmmm?"

"Why I... Unngghhh... both?" Kuno dithered between Akane's
frown and the sappy smile on the redhead; his two loves.
Clearly he had not thought his offer through. (1)

"Oh, never mind!" fumed Akane, "We'll be alright, Kuno. Why
don't you escort Nabiki? She has to go out on business."

"I... Arr... Harrrumph... Very well, then. Business.
Noblesse oblige..."

Nabiki got her satchel and joined Kuno. She could be seen
opening the satchel and removing an envelope as they turned
the corner.

After they left, Akane turned on Ranma.

"Ranma, you should be ashamed of yourself! That was petty.
That was.. was cruel! That... that was just like an
airheaded girl!"

"You saw what he was going to do! He would have stuck
around this place all day long, being noble and heroic,
and... Ahhh, he makes me sick!"

---------------
(1) But why should we let THAT surprise us?

---------------

It was dawn, the next day, Saturday. Ranma tossed back the
quilt, rose and stepped over the Panda to open the window.
The morning air was brisk, and she inhaled deeply. A
movement on the grounds below caught her eye, and she
slipped noiselessly down the stairs, past the kitchen where
Kasumi was preparing breakfast, and around to the front of
the house.

"You'd better feed them something," muttered Ran-chan as she
handed the gaijin over to Kasumi, "I found them trying to
blow the koi out of the pool with giant firecrackers."

Akane followed her outside, then pulled Ran-chan to the side
yard.

"Ranma, you idiot!" blurted Akane, "Why didn't you just
'accidentally' tip them into the pool? It was the perfect
opportunity!"

"Heh, guess I just forgot. I was too busy trying to get
them out of there before your pop caught them and we had an
international murder on our hands."

They were interrupted by the gaijin boys, who walked stiffly
out the gate and down the street.

"<Let's go somewhere where we're appreciated,>" said the
dark-haired one.

"<Yeah>," agreed the blond, "<Appreciated.>"

"What's their problem?" Ranma wondered.

Kasumi appeared.

"Oh, dear," She seemed to be in a state of shock. "I feel
terrible. I said such AWFUL things to them."

Ranma stared. Kasumi? Blowing her top? What could she
have said?

"I told them that they should respect the fish in the pool,"
Kasumi said. "And that father would be very upset if
something harmed his koi."

"And? Is that all?"

"Isn't that terrible enough? How could I have said such
things?"

"Ahh, Kasumi?"

"Yes, Ranma? Oh, I feel so badly."

"Kasumi, don't worry about it. I'm sure they will get over
it. If you are worried about them, I will find them and
bring them back."

"Oh, thank you, Ranma-kun."

Akane decided to go with her. "I don't think they
understood a word she spoke to them," she guessed. "I bet
she used Japanese... and the mother tone of voice."

"Yeah, the guilt trip knows no language barrier."

"I'll find Kuno and Nabiki, and ask them to look, also."

---------------

It was later that night. Ranma and Kuno met outside
Ucchan's and compared notes - after Ranma had extracted a
`no touch' agreement from Kuno. Both had met panicky people
who had seen `purple monsters' and a `violent girl'. Kuno
had found a gaggle of very young school children who cried
because their `big purple friend would not play with them'.
More shopkeepers had been accosted by gang members, but no
one had been hurt. And the two gaijin were nowhere to be
found.

"Purple? Violent girl? Sounds almost like..."

Glomp!

"Nihao! Ranma miss Shampoo?"

"Yow! Leggo! I can't breathe!"

"Ranma?" Kuno was instantly alert. (2) "Is that foul fiend
about? I have a noble mission to protect my true loves!
He must not be allowed to interfere!"

"He for real?" Shampoo wanted to know.

"As real as a hangnail," Ranma said grimly.

Ucchan's was almost empty, for a Saturday night. Ranma and
Shampoo occupied stools at the counter, while Kuno stood
guard. Ukyo had seen them coming and already had treats
turning a delicate brown on the grill.

"Evening, Sempai," Ukyou looked up from scrubbing the other
grill, "What'll it be?"

Kuno posed. "We cannot sup here. My passion requires that I
furnish better food for my goddess than mere flap-jacks and
hodge-pudding!"

"Will you get it through your thick head, this ain't no
DATE!" Ranma shoved him away from her.

"Very well. Whatever noble excuses you may fathom, 'tis but
a moment's glibness to shield your gentle presence from the
tongues of fools."

"I'm gonna have to *kill* him!"

Nettled, Ukyou dropped a plate loaded with delicacies in
front of the upperclassman.

"You want Shakespeare? *That* is Shakespeare! (3) Pure
art! Hi, Shampoo," she added, "Seen any mice lately?"

"Paddle girl *not* funny," Shampoo retorted.

"Then you won't like your okonomyaki... it's shrimp."

"Shampoo taste first. If I like, I eat."

"Hey, lover," Ukyo addressed Ranchan, "What brings you here
in such pedigreed company?"

"Oh, you mean Kuno? We were looking for a couple of foreign
kids who've been staying at our place. I guess they felt
unwelcome and ran off."

"Haven't seen any strangers, here. Uh oh, except these
customers... back in a minute."

The customers she went to greet were rough looking boys in
punk leather garb and garish hairdos.

"Have you got Happy here?" asked the first.

"Not lately," admitted Ukyo, "But I'm working on it."

"Don't get smart with me!" snapped the tough, "I wanna know
if you've seen him."

Kuno snapped to attention at the tone in the customer's
voice, fingered the hilt of his bokken, and prepared a
challenge, but Ukyo waved her hand behind her back at him,
telling him to cool it.

"I'll get smart in my own establishment," she said with a
touch of steel in her voice, "Tell me what you want or beat
it."

"Or what... you'll throw us out?"

"You ain't heard the last of us!" the tough called from the
gutter outside the cafe, a very brief instant later. "The
Bull will be here in a minute, and that'll fix your clock!"

Ukyo turned with mock concern to the others, "Is my clock
broke? Bother!"

Before she could return to the comfort of her grill, the
door was flung open again. The Bull had arrived.

Ranchan beheld a short girl in denims, blackheaded with a
bowl haircut, with very blue eyes. Her denim jacket and
pants were patched at the knees and elbow with bright
colors. At her belt hung a bull whip.

"What the hell is this?" the newcomer wanted to know.

"You're the Bull, I guess," Ukyo guessed.

"Bohal. Bohal! (4) Can't you people pronounce anything
right?"

"Okay, Bohal. What's your problem?"

"My guys are helping me look for someone. They say you're
giving them trouble!"

"Excuse me," said Ranma.

"Whadda *you* want?" demanded Bull.

"This person you are looking for - his name is `Happy',
right?"

"Yeah, do you know him?"

"Well, I can't say, at the moment."

"Do you know him or not?"

"Sorta."

"Then where is he? Tell me! I've gotta be in Kyoshu next
week and I ain't got time to waste!"

"I can't."

"Whadda ya mean? Can't or won't?"

"Can't. It's a matter of honor. Believe me, if I could, I
would. He probably deserves whatever you are wanting to do
to him."

"It is about honor that I want to see him. And hurt him.
You have to tell me!"

"Sorta figured that. And nope."

"Well, you'd better tell me. I could get ugly."

Ukyo interrupted. "Take it outside," she insisted. "I
don't want another repair bill."

"Butt out, willya? I'm discussing business with this dame,
here."

"It's my cafe. And I threw out the last jackass who got
smart with me!"

"Think you can do something about it? C'mon! I challenge
you!"

"A formal challenge? I'm looking forward to this!" Ukyo
removed her apron and spun it to Ranma, "Hold this, honey.
I won't be long."

The fight was fierce but brief, going from simple pushes and
kicks to thrown weapons in a matter of seconds. Ukyo threw
first spatuallete, but was answered shortly by a flurry of
projectiles which looked remarkably like Ryouga's bandannas,
except that they were more intimate.

Lacy nighties and frilly garters sailed into the air,
entangling Ukyo and hampering her movements. She cut them
away, only to find more deadly objects coming her way.

Steel panties and bras clanged off Ukyo's battle spatula as
she returned fire with spatualletes. After that, the fight
was hand to hand with both girls scathingly belittling the
other's performance.

The battle was waging hot and heavy, from the front of the
store to the counter, and out through the door. Ranma
lifted her legs out of the way as the two brawlers rolled
past, and watched nonchalantly.

"That uncouth female has accosted the fair Ukyo!" declared
Kuno, "I must separate them!"

"Hold on," said Ranma, "Just wait."

"But how can I wait? It is not chivalrous to allow such
brigandage to continue! I must do something!"

"You gotta do something, all right. Here, help me finish
off this plate of okonomyaki, before it gets cold."

Shampoo, having unglomped Ranma, chewed reflectively on
a pancake and watched as Bohal and Ukyo threw each other
around the street.

Eventually, the brawl slowed to a halt. The combatants
glared at each other over poised weapons, breathing heavily,
then dropped their hands. Arm in arm, they retreated indoors
for a last plate of okonomyaki as Ukyo locked up for the
night.

"Guess they can keep that stuff outside," she panted, "That
was almost more fun than I wanted to have."

"But who win?" Shampoo asked. No one answered, too busy
chewing.

"Next time, we do it on a full stomach," agreed Bohal, with
her mouth full of shrimp okonomyaki.

"Hah! Next time, I'll stomp your ass," smiled Ukyo.

Bohal just grinned, and took another bite.

"But who win?" Shampoo asked.

Ranma pulled up a stool. "So," she said, "I take it you
two know each other?"

Ukyo looked at her, then at Bohal, then back at her.
"Nope," she said with a straight face, "Never saw her before
in my life."

"I like to pick the best fighter in a place," murfled Bohal
around a huge bite, "Then when I beat them, I don't have to
worry about anyone else."

Ukyo, watching Ranma's face, grinned from behind her
former opponent and surreptitiously stuck out her tongue.

"No, really," said Ranma, "You two know each other, right?
Right?"

"But who win?" asked Shampoo.

She was interrupted by a figure at the door.

"Granddaughter!" came a sharp voice, "Is this how you do
your chores?"

Shampoo wilted before the tiny crone poised on a walking
stick, "Shampoo sorry, Grandmother," she began, "Husband has
...."

"You are needed at your own place of business. *Now*!"

"Hai, Grandmother," she left.

"And as for you, son-in-law... Shouldn't you be looking for
something?"

Kuno had assumed a battle stance, torn between loathing for
the ugly hag and his desire to protect his love. "Explain
yourself, old woman!" he demanded.

"I'll not," she replied, "Especially to a young whelp like
you. Learn better manners," And like a mongoose to a
snake, she skittered up to Kuno and patted his cheek. "Before
I have to teach them to you."

"Yeww," Kuno said as he backed off.

"C'mon, Kuno," said Ranma, "Let's get out of here. [I can't
believe it. I'm *protecting* this jerk!]"

--------------------

Ranma found them huddled in the grass beneath a bridge,
shivering in the early morning air. Kuno carried the blond
one, while she carried the other back to the Tendo house,
and Kasumi put them to bed with unusual care. Akane had a
plan, but it was late the next morning before it could be
put into motion.

_______________

(2) Well, as alert as he ever is about Ranma, which is to say
(all together now) "Not very!"

(3) Okonomyaki loosely translates to "As You Like It,"
according to 'A Son's Duty'. Thank you, Ichinohei Hitomi!

(4) Actually, Bohea-all. Pronounced `bweeul'.

END OF CHAPTER THREE BEAVIS AND BUTHEAD ONE/HALF

----------------------------------------------------------------
My thanks to my pre-readers. I know I have stretched the rules
on a few conventions, and borrowed a lot from some truly fine
stories, but it is nice to hear your opinions of this story.
Comments and Criticisms appreciated. Flames will be used to
toast marshmallows and weiners at the next BnB gettogether.

------------------------------------------------------------

Authors notes: Okay, I goofed up. Pulled an amateurish mistake
on my first post to RAAC. BnB 1/2 has 6 (count 'm) SIX chapters,
and I sent in three without explaining that there were three more
coming. Aaarrrggghhh! And I wanted it to be so PERFECT!!!
<sniff> (Well, considering the subject matter, perfect would be
reaching. Maybe, okay. Or, not stinking. Or, not TOO gross.)

Anyway, here is the final part, the last chapters of

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD ONE/HALF

CHAPTER FOUR

She heard the sound of the tapping of the cane, but for some
reason it triggered no danger response. The sound stopped
in the hallway outside her door, and the door slid slowly
open. Still no warning from her senses. Not until she could
see the gnarled wood poised beside her futon did she get the
slightest tingle, and she opened her eyes enough to look up.

"Whadya want, you old hag?"

"Hmmm. You still have good reflexes, son-in-law. I was
just visiting your poor, dying responsibility. You don't
have much longer to redeem yourself."

"Will you get outta here? This is my bedroom, for cryin'
out loud!"

-----------------

Kasumi was wistful at breakfast.

"Poor Happosai," she said, "I just looked in on him and he
appears worse."

Nabiki grimaced. "I suppose that means another visit from
Doctor Tofu. I hate paying his bill, he's so hard to deal
with."

"You mean you can't fast-talk him," said Ranma.

"He doesn't bend," admitted Nabiki, "But I thought Happosai
was doing so much better. Last night he was looking
around."

"Poor Happosai-san. He appears to have slipped back again."

"What's on your mind, Ranma?" asked Nabiki, "You are looking
particularly thoughtful today."

"Me and Akane gotta talk to our visitors," she replied, "Now
that we have Kasumi's blessing."

The two boys were swigging tea as though they were dry to
their toenails when the girls approached them.

"<Look guys, there is a place called Jusenkyo in China,
where they have lots of pools, with poles sticking out of
the ground. Have you ever seen anything like it?>"

"<Yeah-yeah! Huhuhhuhuuh! We saw that!>"

Akane's face fell. "<Did you fall into any of them?>"

"<Nono!>" The both agreed quickly.

"Boy, that's a relief!" sighed Ranma.

"<We jumped in,>" volunteered Butthead, while Beavis
chorused, "<Yeah-yeah!>"

"Didn't you guys see anything unusual since then?"

"Huhuhuh..."

"Hehehehh... No."

"Huhuhuh... There's this chick that keeps coming on to me,
but I can't catch her..."

"Okay, that does it! <Let's go out to the dojo!>"

"Are all these precautions really necessary?" asked Ranma,
"Why don't we just -splash- them?"

"Oh, *now* you're ready to wet them down? Let's be safe,
okay? Didn't you hear about a horrible monster terrorizing
people yesterday?"

"Yeah, and I also remember some little kids crying because
their monster friend wouldn't stay and play with them."

"So what are you saying, 'dunk them right now?'"

"That'd get it over with, if that is what you want."

"We are going to do it *my* way, one at a time."

---------------

Beavis:
Stages of Treatment: CONFRONTATION:

<splash!>

Stages of Treatment: REALIZATION:

No monster appeared. Akane and Ranma relaxed slightly as
they looked at the blond teenage girl who had replaced the
slight blond teenage boy. She was noticeably better
looking. Beavis, having been warned about the change,
responded as would any redblooded boy who suddenly
discovered that he had been changed into a girl. (1)

"Hey! I got boobs! heheheehhee!"

There were a few moments of self-exploration and
exclamations as Beavis looked at and felt him/herself.

"I got... Wow! This is *major* cool!"

Eventually, the seismic discoveries seemed to subside, and
the blond girl actually looked bored. The expression
eventually became one of discomfort. "Hey!" she exlaimed,
"I gotta go to the john! How do I go to the john in this
outfit?"

"Excuse me," smirked Ranma, "I think that is my cue. It's
like this..." as she leaned close to whisper the bad news
into the blond's ear.

Stages of Treatment: DENIAL:

Beavette listened to her explanation with huge eyes.

"No way!" she squealed.

Ranma nodded with smug satisfaction, "Way," she said.

For the first time, the little blond looked embarrassed,
"Unh-hunnh!" she cried.

"Okay, how long can you hold it?" asked Ranma, and she got
comfortable.

Then it was a simple matter of waiting for pneudraulics to
force the new girl to attend to biological necessity.
Beavis/girl squirmed in discomfort and tears began to flow,
until finally she unfroze from the chair where she had been
sitting and ran doubled over to the bathroom.

"Really, Ranma," said Akane, "Wouldn't it have been kinder
to pour some hot water on him so he could take care of it in
his old form?"

"Hey, it's training, awright?" responded Ranma.

"Maybe so, but I'm beginning to think you are *enjoying*
this!"

"I gotta admit its interesting to see it happening to
someone else," she frowned, "But, don't forget, I been
through it too. It don't do no good to hide from it."

Beavis/girl returned from the bathroom looking about
apprehensively.

"You need something to boost your self-confidence," Ranma
predicted. "Time to do some exercises."

It took only a few rounds for them to realize that the
little blond girl was a natural athelete. All she needed
was practice, and Akane showed her some of the simpler moves
from the 'Anything Goes' lesson plan. The girl/Beavis
quickly finished them and asked for more.

Then, while their new protege was cleaning up, they
approached the other member of the pair, cautious because of
the fearful tales they had heard of giant purple monsters
roaming the streets of Nerima.

---------------

Butthead:
Stages of Treatment: CONFRONTATION:

<splash!>

Stages of Treatment: REALIZATION:

"Hey, cool!" purred the creature. "I really *am* a
dinosaur!" It posed before a mirror for a moment before
noticing a few minor discrepancies. For instance, the
plumpness. The long green hair. And the short expanse of
fabric draped about the shoulder.

"Dinosaurs have hair?" asked Ranma.

"I didn't know they wore cloaks," added Akane, "Wait...
That's not a cloak. It's a shawl."

"He's kinda pink," Ranma added.

"That's purple," Akane corrected him.

"Purple?" They turned to each other in pleased shock.

Stages of Treatment: DENIAL:

"I'm a dinosaur!" wailed the creature. "A killer! A
Tyranosaurus Rex! I eat elephants for breakfast! I stomp
on cities! I...I..." It subsided into blubberings.

Akane suddenly realized, "Now he's speaking Japanese! Do
they get new abilities when they get cursed?"

"Yeah, but... I think its a HER."

"I'm starting to feel sorry for them," whispered Akane,
"They were more dangerous in their normal state."

Stages of Treatment: BLAME:

The dinosaur abruptly straightened its tail and strode
toward the dojo door.

"Wait'll I get that Porto Rican!" she growled, "I'm gonna
tear him limb from limb! I'm gonna..." The voice became
softer and softer, until she reached the outside and
stopped, turning toward the house.

"Is that rice curry I smell?" she asked.

"Yes, Kasumi is cooking some for father," explained Akane.

Stages of Treatment: ADJUSTMENT:

"Oh, it smells lovely! Do you suppose she would mind if I
helped?"

Akane gaped. Ranma reached up and shoved her own mouth
closed with one hand while holding Akane upright with the
other.

"Oh, I suppose not," Akane finally gasped, "But you'd
better let us introduce you."

Stages of Treatment: ACCEPTANCE:

She went ahead to smooth the way, but Kasumi seemed to see
nothing unusual about a purple dinosaur assisting in the
kitchen. "I needed someone to prepare the eggplant," she
explained.

Back at the dojo, Akane became a whirlwind of jumps, kicks
and blows as she tried to quiet her mind with exercise.
Finally she stopped to gasp for breath, and panted, "Why
does she *do* that?"

"Do what?" Ranma said from her upsidedown lotus.

"She just *accepts* things, as if they were nothing! It
could be a space ship landing, or magic rabbits, or...
or..."

"Don't forget, she has seen a lot of strange stuff."

"Yeah, but she's always been that way. Even before you
showed up. What are you looking so smug about?"

"Just thinkin'. I wonder how well dinosaurs can cook? It
would be nice to have somebody to help Kasumi."

"Ranma, you are an IDIOT!!!"

Beavette, coming out for more practice, watched the female
body go cartwheeling overhead to land in the koi pond.

"Cool! Nice throw!" she called to Akane, "Can you teach it
to me?"

Stages of Treatment: MUTUAL SUPPORT:

Once again, Nabiki stood beside the bathroom door, a glum
expression on her face.

"There goe the utility bills, again," she said, "First the
cold water, then the hot. Don't they get tired of it?"

Inside the bathroom, Beavis had just squirted Butthead into
dinosaur shape, only to be splashed himself. She threw one
more pail of hot water, then sat down to catch her breath.

"<What a blast!>" she said.

Butthead sat beside her, hands clasped behind his head, and
said thoughtfully, "<Uhh... We oughta go out and find some
ninjas to whup.>"

"<Yeah... about a dozen or two. Whatcha looking at?>"

"<Ahh. Beavis, have you got something wrong with you?>"

"<Naww. I'm a girl, stupid!>"

"<No shit? You mean this...>"

"<Oww! Whatcha pokin' me for?>"

"<Huhhuhhuh... That felt funny. Soft. Like...>"

"<Like a girl's boobs, asswipe! Quit it!>"

"What're they doin'?" Ranma asked.

"Just chuckling and giggling. They're fascinated with
themselves," Nabiki said.

>From inside the bathroom, they heard an exclamation,
"Keeyii!!", followed by a loud thump, then the door flew
open and Butthead sprawled on the floor between them.

"<Pushed the wrong button, didn't you?>" noted Nabiki, as
they helped him to his feet.

"Better get some clothes on him," suggested Ranma.

Butthead squirmed away from them and ran, naked, back into
the bathroom. He was met with a faceful of cold water.

"What'sa matter, Beavis? All I did was..." she bellowed
hugely in a dinosaur roar. Beavette clapped her hands to
her ears, and Butthead quietly added in a loud whisper, "I'm
sorry! I mean, all I want is to be your friend. Will you
be my friend?"

"Yeah... heheheh... yeah. Just shut up, alright?"

"Okay. Now I'm upset."

"Fine, fine. Gimme that hot water, willya?"

"Okay... Friends?"

Beavis nodded, shaking water about. "<Okay,>" he said, "<You
want the rest of this hot water?>"

The dinosaur looked about.

"Not now," she said, "I'm still upset. And when I get upset
I want to eat."

Unconsciously, Nabiki backed away, and Ranma shifted to a
defensive posture in front of her.

"And when I feel like eating, there is only one thing which
will cheer me up. Brownies."

"Brownies?" Ranma lowered her guard slightly.

"Oh, yes," the dinosaur's eyes seemed to light up, "There is
nothing to sooth the savage beast like fresh hot fudge
brownies. Do you suppose Kasumi-sama would allow me to use
her kitchen?" (2)

Beavis stepped up, tucking his tee-shirt into his shorts,
"<What'd he say?>"

"<He... She wants to bake brownies.>"

"<This I gotta see, hehehe!>" chortled Beavis.

"I better get a shopping list," said Nabiki, "I don't think
we have the ingredients," She was muttering to herself as
she left, "Let's see, chocolate, milk, nuts, film..."

Later:

The smell of brownies baking filled the kitchen, and by
convection the entire house. It was a pleasant, foreign
scent, the way the dinosaur mixed the ingredients, but
appealling.

Happosai was weakly sitting up, barely able to keep his eyes
open. He was still very sick, and would not or could not
talk. Kasumi was sitting in vigil by his bedside.

Ranma, missing Akane and the second barbarian, looked and
found them in the dojo. Akane was watching as Soun
instructed Beavette on defensive blocks.

"So, how's she doin'?"

"Not bad, considering her poor muscle tone. She has almost
no endurance at all... Great energy, lot's of explosive
talent, but she loses interest almost immediately if you
don't keep after her."

"Yeah, I'd expect that from kids raised on telvision.
Still, she has more spunk than he does, as a boy."

"I sort of wonder why we are bothering," she watched as the
girl dodged a kick.

"Call it a premonition. Just the way I feel... Everyone who
gets cursed is going to have a hard time. Might as well be
prepared."

"Is it about Happosai?"

"Naw, he don't worry me. Well, just a little. I'm trying
to figure out what he's up to."

"Don't you mean 'how you can help cure him'? He dosn't seem
to be up to very much, right now, Ranma."

"Yeah... heh... I'd enjoy it, if it weren't for that old
hag."

"At least SHE is thinking about your honor! You ought to be
more worried about *that*!"

"Whad'a you know about it? Sometimes you are so uncute..."

"Ranma..."

"... and you don't even have a clue..."

"Ranma!!"

"... if you'd just stop and think..."

"Ranma, you are an... an... "

Words failed Akane. And, since she wasn't really one to
rely on words to convey her true emotions, she expressed
herself in the only manner in she felt comfortable.

"...Idiot!!!"

Soun and Beavette had stopped sparring to watch the
interchange. They applauded Akane's sudden shift and attack
which went through Ranma's defenses like a piledriver, and
the spectacular aerial display, even though it resulted in
minor damage to the wall of the dojo.

"That was great!" chirped Beavette, "Can you do it again? I
think I have the idea, now!"

"Not today," groaned Ranma as she pulled herself from the
floor. As she limped off, she could be heard to mutter,
"Kawaiikune!"

Beavette found her later, sitting on a rock before the pool.
The little blond sat beside her, trying to see what there
was in the still depths that could so demand Ranma's
attention. Finally, she spoke.

"You all right?"

"Yeah, thanks. Why does everyone want to know if I am all
right?"

"Heheheh... You ain't exactly cheerful..."

"You noticed, huh?" Ranma massaged her shoulder and looked
at the stars. "Fact is, I been thinkin'."

"Me, too."

"Yeah? About what?"

"About me and Butthead. We're kinda old pals," She
squirmed uneasily, then blurted, "Why's he gotta grope me?
I ain't that kinda guy!"

"Hmmm... I've had the same troubles. But different. I'm a
guy, too, y'know."

"Unh hunh. I saw you in that gown thing."

"It was a goddess costume." Ranma said sourly.

"I thought goddesses were supposed to have wings.
Hehehheh... They are cute, too, and you're cute... as a
girl... I mean..."

"Yeah, you're kinda cute, yourself... as a girl... in a guy
kind of way. And you're thinking about angels."

"Hunh?"

"With the wings."

"Oh, yeah, hehehheh..."

"I just thought you ought to know -"

"Yeah?"

"It don't get no easier..."

"That's what I thought." Beavette appeared thoughtful, and
added, "I always wanted to be a ninja kung fu fighter, and I
wanted Butthead to be there, too ... but... but... but
why'd he have to do *that*?"

It was a few moments before Ranma realized that the little
gaijin had tears in her eyes.

"Errr.. Maybe we ought to go in, now," Ranma suggested.

_______________________________
1 That is, assuming the red-blooded boy lived on nachos and
did nothing but watch music videos all day long...
2 Question: Where does a 300 lb dinosaur cook?
Answer: Anywhere she wants to!

CHAPTER FIVE BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD ONE/HALF

It was a typical, quiet afternoon in the Tendo
household, given the circumstances. The short school
break was almost over, and everyone was pursuing their
chosen recreational pasttime. For Butthead, this meant:

<splash!>

"Wha...wha..." Beavette sputtered up from her nap. She
remembered being male when she had started that nap.
She wondered how she had gotten wet, from fresh cold
water that tasted like tea, and found the answer very
close by.

"<Huhuhuh...>"

"<Whatcha do *that* for!?>"

"<Just checkin'... I thought I was dreamin' again,
huhuhu... That's a neat trick, turnin' into a girl. You
even feel like...>"

"<Oww! Cuttit out!>"

"<Just lemme see what - huhuhuh... <poke> <poke>...>"

There was a short pause, then Beavette replied,
"HeeYAH!"

The internal walls in some Japanese houses are not very
thick, and when they encounter a body traveling at near-
terminal velocity they have a tendency to collapse with
a loud noise. As did the living room wall in the Tendo
house.

"What happened?" Nabiki looked up from her Dow Report,
"Is that Shampoo, again?"

"Haven't seen her since Happosai got sick," said Genma,
as he waited for Soun to return his attention to a
slightly altered game board.

"It's the `guests'. I'll get the first aid kit," said
Akane, laying aside the Acme GripToughener(tm) equipment.

"I'll call the contractor," sighed Nabiki, "A person
can't even get a little free time to do some light
reading."

"Would you look in on Kasumi while you're at it?" called
Soun, "She's still sitting with Happosai, and it's
almost dinnertime... oof!"

The last comment was the result of a desperate nudge
from Genma, as he indicated Akane - who would
immediately volunteer kitchen duties in Kasumi's
absence.

"Maybe we should just order takeout," he suggested.

"Unless you can come up with several thousand yen, which
I doubt after your recent clothing purchases, I'd
suggest we find some other alternative," Nabiki said.

"And quickly, before Akane gets through bandaging that
obnoxious gaijin... Hmmm." Genma disappeared down the
hallway.

"Oh, Akane," Genma reappeared carrying a pail, "I'd like
a word with the young man after you are through."

Shortly:

<splash!>

"Whatever did you do that for? Oh, hello, Genma-sama."

"Actually, Soun-san and I have a little request," Genma
smiled.

-------------------

Beavis looked about the street corner. The signs were
illegible, but he did not worry. He could not understand
the people he met, but that was okay. They said something
like, "Please move, you are blocking the doorway," and he
replied something polite, like, "<Yeah, and up yours,
jerkweed.>" He had left the dojo before dinner, and his
stomach was complaining.

>From the gloom of his soul, he dredged a memory of more
comfortable times, when he could step into any corner store
and get a familiar caffeine-laced high-sugar soft drink and
hyperventilate in comfort. Here, the drinks had unfamiliar
names, and the food was different. "Where's the nachos?" he
demanded.

Eventually, his nose (which was quite sharp) led him to a
cafe where something exquisitely delicious was cooking.
Unfortunately, before he got there, it also led him by a
doorway where an ancient housewife was attending her evening
chore of sprinkling down the sidewalk with water.
Consequently, Beavette arrived at Ucchan's with drops of
water sparkling in her hair, in the last red rays of the
setting sun.

The flourescents were just coming on and chasing away the
gloom outside. The proprietor turned to her and smiled a
pleasant hello. "What will you have?" asked Ukyo.

"Pizza?" wondered the little blond.

"Nope. No pizza. You must be from out of town."

"Yeah, yeah...heheh. Guess you might say that. Whatcha
got?"

"Specialty of the house. Okonomyaki. I mix up a little bit
of everything, cook it just right, and serve it piping hot.
Delicious!"

"Oh. I forgot, I got no money."

"First one is on the house. You're one of Ranma's friends,
aren't you?"

"How'ja know?"

"He said he had guests from out of town." Ukyo looked
closer at her. "You don't look Japanese, but you speak it."
She dished up a pancakish delight for the gaijin.

The sounds of Beavette discovering the taste of okonomyaki
were drowned out by the sound of the cafe door slamming
open.

"I told you we would be back!" crowed Pink Earring.

"And I told you I won't have jackasses cluttering up my
establishment," growled Ukyo. "Now, do you get out or do I
have to get *serious*?"

For answer, the punk snapped his fingers and motioned to
someone outside. Three more toughs appeared, followed by a
fourth sporting blue hair and a leather vest.

"Lady, we are about to make your night a nightmare," laughed
Pink.

"Oh, yeah?" Ukyo said. She reached into the cash drawer
and withdrew a token. "And what does this say?"

Pink blanched. "I think we may have made a mistake," he
admitted. The retreat of the group was quiet, orderly, and
hasty.

"Wow!" Beavette breathed, "Cool! What'd you tell them?"

"Just showed them a sign from a friend," said Ukyo, tossing
the token back into the drawer, "She's their boss. Be
careful on your way home, though. They look like trouble."

"Don't think I wanna go home, right now."

"Boy trouble, huh?"

"Hehehh... you might say that."

"What's your boy friend like?"

"He *ain't* my boyfriend!"

"Okay, okay! Cool it! I didn't mean to get personal!"

"Sorry. I just ain't used to this. It's just... I ain't no
gal."

"You mean you're... like Ranma?"

"Yeah. heheh. Sorta... It's a long story. I got a pal,
and we followed this guy, and we got splashed, and ... and
.... now everything sucks!"

Ukyo sat back and eyed her. "So what does your buddy turn
into?"

"Sort of a dinosaur. Like a dragon. Almost."

"Almost?"

"He... she cooks."

"Ohhhh. I *think* I know what you are saying. *He* is a
she and she cooks things. What's the problem?"

Beavette smiled nervously. How could she open up to a
complete stranger? Well, she wasn't totally a stranger. If
she was, she was a friendly stranger, and that counted for
something. And she knew Ranma, and about the curse, and
didn't seem to be wigged out. Maybe she could be trusted.
Maybe she could even help, a little.

"It ain't when we are changed," she explained, "It's when we
ain't... or at least when I am and he ain't. He looks at me
funny..."

"And the hormones take over," sighed Ukyo. "Well, you
probably don't feel a thing wrong with it while you are
male... At least Ranchan doesn't, but when he is female he
seems to act differently. Then he almost understands what
it is like," she chuckled, "Especially when Kuno is around."

"I gotta get back to the dojo," said Beavette. Ukyo let
her out before closing up the shop.

She was back at the corner, turning toward the street to the
dojo, when she heard the slap of heavy feet on the pavement.

"If it ain't the friend of a friend," said Pink.

"Beat it!" said Beavette, but she was not expecting anything
so fortunate to happen.

"Little gal like you, wandering the streets at night, you
really need a *companion* to keep you company, don't you?"
Pink reached for her arm, and Beavette slapped his hand
away.

"Don't make me get pissed off," Beavette snapped. She felt
a strange tension shiver through her muscles, and her breath
quickened, an excitement building.

"Would we do that?" Pink asked his companions, and they
nodded cheerfully.

"I'm gonna tear off your ears and wrap them around your
tonsils!" Beavette growled. If her small size did not
impress them, maybe the tone of her voice would. It did
not. The gang members paused for only a second.

There was a shuddering hiss, then Butthead/Dinosaur stepped
into sight.

This stopped the bullies cold. The punk with blue hair
began to snicker.

Butthead the dinosaur fumed. Show him no respect, would
they? They would pay for that! Unnoticed, he morphed to
she.

"Hey, you!" She drew her dinosaur form up to her full pudgy
height, and roared, "Who do you think you are? I'm ashamed
of you! Does your mother know what you are doing out here at
this hour? Come over to my place and I will bake you some
cookies!"

Beavette slowly pivoted to stare at the dinosaur.

The mighty dinosaur stood aghast, hands clapped over her
mouth, with a look of sheer horror in her bulging eyes.

"Cream puff!" (1) sneered Pink and pushed forward.

Beavette glanced around, at unfamiliar faces and blank
stares from onlookers. No help there. They were on their
own. She stood her ground as the leader swaggered into
striking range.

The dinosaur glanced about also, but its eyes would not
focus. Composure shattered, it bleated twice and became
silent. The thug with blue hair skirted Beavette and
approached the dinosaur.

"What'sa matter, sweetie?" he jeered. "Gotta run home and
make some cake and ice cream?"

Beavette decided her target was near enough. She announced
her intentions.

"Heeyah!"

She leaped into the air, kicking him across the bridge of
his nose as she spun about and brought the other foot into
his left ear, using the leverage to somersault and alight in
her starting position. Pink staggered backward as his
compatriots surged forward.

Another rowdy joined Blue Hair. "Is there some baby in that
suit?" He asked. "I hear blubbering."

"Aw, that ain't no suit. That's her natural skin."

"Ohdear, ohdear... I'm so scared! Harf!!Harf!!"

Blue Hair extended a finger and said, "Howzaboutit, sweetie?
Wanna bite me?"

The dinosaur had been slowly retreating, but the last words
brought it to a halt. The two tormentors continued their
banter and failed to notice the sudden change in the eyes,
from tearful uncertainty to a smoky wrath. She straightened
again to full height, and drew a mighty breath.

"I'll see you in the hot place first!!!" she roared, and her
voice was enough to peel paint from nearby signboards. From
somewhere she withdrew a polka-dotted purse and wielded it
with dispatch, swinging it like a mace in an arc that
included two unfortunate skulls.

"Way ta go, Butthead!!" shrilled Beavette as she bounced
high enough to incapacitate an opponent.

Pink, having recovered enough to rejoin the fray, muscled
through the crowd trying to get to her and received another
clout to the face for his efforts. More gang members were
lifted and tossed aside as the dinosaur rejoined her
companion.

"It's kick-ass time!!" yodelled Beavette.

"Let's tan some rear-ends!!" cried the dinosaur.

Beavette for the most part relied on her legs and high
kicks, while the dinosaur settled on a technique which
exposed the posteriors of her opponents while she applied a
rigorous tattoo with the flat of her `hand'. "And you just
wait 'til your father gets home!" She added.

Eventually, the street cleared.

"What... was all that... about?" panted Beavette.

"I don't know, but I'm upset again. I feel like baking,"
announced the dinosaur.

"Cool," agreed Beavette. "Fudge... brownies?"

"Of course - Or maybe maccaroons."

"Both," said the little martial artist.

They set out to see if Kasumi was allowing visitors in the
kitchen. They did not make it there.

The figure which stepped from the shadows to confront them
had long, purple hair.

"What blond devil-girl want with husband?"

The dynamic duo puzzled about this for a moment, then shook
their heads.

"I dunno," admitted Beavette, "Who's yer husband?"

"If Shampoo no can see husband, devil-girl no see him,
either!"

"Hehehh... I don't have a clue," Beavette shrugged, still
perplexed.

"You no answer? Shampoo kill devil-girl!"

"Now, *that* I understand!" crowed the little blond, "I'm
gonna mop the street with this chick!"

"Uhmm, Beavis?" the dinosaur began, apprehensively hoarse.

"Don't get in my way!" cried Beavette, feeling the now-
familiar rush as her heartrate zoomed and the exhilaration
of potential combat brought her senses to full alertness.

"Uhmm, Beavis? I don't think this is quite the same..."

-----------------

"Not the same at all!" the dinosaur said mournfully, later,
as she carried the battered and unconscious blond back
toward the dojo.

"Wha' happened?" groaned Beavette.

"She beat you up," stated the dinosaur, "And she kept
hitting you, and hitting you, and... I couldn't stand it. I
made her stop."

"How did you... never mind. I don't want to think. Oooh, my
head!"

-------------------

Akane was surprised to find she had a companion in her early
morning jog. The little blond kept up with her for a few
blocks, but soon lagged behind. Akane slowed to let her
catch up.

"What are you doing out this early?" she asked, "You
haven't been an early bird."

"I'm... outa... shape..." puffed Beavette.

"I knew that, but I didn't think you cared."

"Gotta... get... in... shape... Can... I... come... a...
long?"

[Hmmph,] thought Akane, [now they're even following us
around while we're exercising!] To the girl, she said,
"Okay, but I set a fast pace. Can you keep up?"

"Sure...," and Beavette promptly fell sprawling.

Akane sighed and went back to help her up. "Wow, you took
some beating!" she noted, "Who did this?"

"My... -gasp-... second teacher."

"Teacher? Second?"

"Yeah, heheheh," the little blond grinned up at her, "You...
were my first."

"Oh," said Akane. After a short respite, they were off
again, and they jogged together.

"What's your... favorite... rock group?"

"Rock group? Well... "

"I like Metallica, or Twisted Sister, or...")

"Well, how about the Grateful Dead?"

"The Grateful... Dead? Ewwww!"

"How about some of our Japanese groups? We have good
musicians, too, you know."

"Yeah?... Do you have... some CDs?"

"Not many. But we could borrow Nabiki's."

"Cool!"

-----------------

Days later, Ranma found them watching sumo wrestling. "<Hey,
guys? Can I ask you to do something not quite... moral?>"

Both boys nodded immediately.

"<We'll...>" Ranma began, but Nabiki interrupted her.

"<Can we borrow one of your guests for awhile, Ranma? Kasumi
is sitting up with Happosai and we really need dinner.>"

"<Okay. Do you guys mind?>"

Butthead started to nod his head, but was drenched before he
could complete the motion. "Not at all!" his other self
replied, eagerly.

"Don't forget to bake an extra order of cookies," called
Nabiki to the dinosaur shape hurrying to the kitchen.

"Aren't we spending a lot on groceries?"

"Not at all, Ranma-kun," Nabiki smiled mysteriously, "In
fact, we manage to turn a small profit. I have a few
dedicated customers."

"Yeah, right. I suppose you tell Kuno I baked the
brownies."

"Nope. I tell him Akane does the brownies. You bake the
maccaroons. As for Kasumi..."

"Kasumi? Who would... Oh."

"He thinks Kasumi is baking the chocolate chip. Yes,
Tofu-san does indeed bend. And most nicely, I might add.
Glad to do his little bit to help finances. Although I am
always careful to get a receipt and get away before his
glasses fog over."

-----------------

They followed Ranma through the streets of Nerima.

Butthead could scarcely keep his hands still. "<I can't
help it,>" he said, "<That is such a cute red-headed
chick.>"

"<Ahhh... I don't think you want to mess with her,
Butthead.>"

"<Why not? Don't she make you want to slap a shlong to
her?>"

"<Butthead... that's a guy.>"

Butthead got up close and squinted. "<Those look like boobs
to me,>" he said.

"<He's a guy. Like I am. Heheh...>"

"<No, he ain't! Look, I'm gonna prove it...>" Butthead
reached.

Beavis stopped him.

"<Heheheh... I oughta let you do it, asswipe. But trust me
on this. That's a guy. Don't you remember when we got here
that guy showed you around? That's him.>"

"<Nawww! Huhuhuh... Ain't she blushing? Huhuhuh... I think
that's cute.>"

"<Umhhh... I think it means he's about to kill you!>"

Ranma stopped and turned to face Butthead. She took him by
the collar, lifted, and drew him very close, as she growled,
"<What he said.>" She released a momentarily chastened boy
to tag along behind.

---------------

They entered the Nekohanten and were greeted by Cologne.

"My granddaughter tells me your two changling friends could
learn a thing or two about the art, Son-in-Law."

"<Whad'd she say?>"

"<She said you guys got potential.>"

"<Really? What was that she called you?>"

"<Aww, she calls me 'son-in-law'.>"

"<She's your mother-in-law? Whooah!>" exclaimed Butthead.

"<Heheheh... Sorta creepy.>"

"<Yuh... Like gag me with a shovel. Huhuh...>"

"You might inform your friends that I can understand them."
Cologne said, "Tell them they might regret being impolite."

"Y'know what? I don't think that would make any
difference."

"Why are you here, son-in-law?"

"I was takin' our guests out for a meal, something tasty."

"You will not find anything you want, here." Cologne said
frostily.

"Ya got my hairtie. I'd like to get it back."

"Ahhhh... But to get it back, you have to waken Happosai!
You haven't done that, yet, and your honor remains in
question. Of course, if you wanted my help, you could just
call."

"That's okay. I got that figgered out, and my friends here
will help me."

"Hmmmm. Then good luck, future in-law. You will need it."

They wound up at Ukyo's cafe. Bull was there, with a couple
of her cronies, and the blue-eyed gangleader stepped up to
Ranma immediately.

"Awright, Princess," she said, "We never finished our
conversation last week. Where's Happy? I'm in a hurry!"

"I told you, I can't help you!"

Bull shoved her, and Ranma bobbed right back.

"You're gonna tell me or I'm gonna hurt you! Now do you
tell me where to find the little creep or do we dance?"

"I can't tell, and I won't fight. I don't fight girls."

"What's with you? Won't stand up for yourself?" To Ukyo,
she said, "Do you know this wimp?"

"Yep," said Ukyo, "And he won't fight you. Don't mean he
*can't* paste you, though."

"Well, that's a sorry sack of s... Will anyone stand up for
this pansy?"

Beavis demanded a translation.

"<I'll fight her!>" exclaimed Beavis, "<I don't mind
fighting girls!>"

"<Beavis, you're gonna get your butt whupped, again,>"
dourly predicted Butthead, "<That is one tough chick.>"

"<I don't care! I'm ready for her! I can take her!>"

"I don't believe this," growled Bull, after getting her own
translation, "This *wimp*?" She looked closer at Beavis,
who was fidgeting and jumping around. "I can't fight
*this*!" She placed a hand on his chest and pushed him down
without effort.

"<Hit me with the water!>" screamed Beavis, "<Hit me with
the water!>". Butthead gladly dumped his iced drink on him.

She was dripping when she rose from the floor, and Bull did
a classic double take.

"I thought you was a guy," she said, "Who the crap are you?"

Beavette shook water from her hair, stretched, and cracked
her knuckles. She no longer fidgeted, but seemed to tingle
with suppressed energy.

"I'm your worst nightmare," she growled.

_______________________________
1 Okay, it was much worse than that. But let's keep it
to an `R' rating, okay?

CHAPTER SIX BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD ONE/HALF

The air in the room was tense as the two girls faced off.
Bull readied her bullwhip. Beavette just waited, alert,
working the stiffness out of her muscles as she poised on
the balls of her feet.

"Hope you got a good doctor," called Bull as she flipped
eight feet of braided leather out behind her.

Akane and Nabiki slid onto stools beside Ranma.

"What are you guys doin' here?" Ranma wondered.

"Have you ever known me to miss a sporting event?" asked
Nabiki.

"And I have an interest in it, too," said Akane, "Nabiki
said you would be here. Really, Ranma, you are so obvious".

"Oh, really? I thought I was being pretty sneaky."

"Hah!" said Nabiki, "You have a plan, Ranma. It's as plain
as the nose on your face."

"I'm waiting to see if he has the instinct. He can dodge,
thanks to your father."

"And he can run, thanks to Akane," added Nabiki as she
considered hiking the odds she had given the other customers
in the cafe.

"But does he have the spirit?"

---------------------

Beavette quickly found herself on the defensive.

The whip cracked inches away from her face, and she jerked
back only to have to dodge again in the other direction. She
was being herded. That ticked her off. Bull rolled the
sinuous leather back and forth, snapping it rapidly in the
confined space. Beavette felt a stinging slap on her bicep,
and blood ran hot down her arm.

She was more than ticked off. She was mad. She did
something she had never considered... she began to pay
attention to the patterns the whip wove through the air on
its way back and forth between her and Bull. She was hit
again, and again. Then one time as the long, thin leather
line hissed past, she shot out a hand, grabbed it, and
yanked. The handle, pulled from Bull's grasp, came straight
at her head. She ducked and the whip handle broke glass in
the window behind her and dangled into the street.

Surprised, Beavette looked at the torn skin on the palm of
her hand and shrugged, dropped the whip and assumed what she
hoped was a fighter's stance facing the raging Bull.

Ukyo was waving something at her - a wide flat mixing bowl.

"You're going to need this!" called Ukyo.

Beavette caught it as it whirled overhead, brought it in
front of her face to examine it, almost by reflex, and
nearly had it torn from her hands as something whanged off
the other side and ricocheted into the ceiling.

"What the HELL!!" exclaimed the little blond.

"Iron Underwear Attack!" called Bull.

Beavette looked around the bowl to see other objects flying
her way, thrown by Bull. Dancing around them, she
identified some lacy stuff as women's underthings, while
there was other stuff she could not recognize. A garter
slapped her arm and tangled around it. She left it there
because it made a handy bandage for the whip wound, but the
rest she avoided. Another hard object clanged against the
bowl.

"So *that's* what it is," growled Beavette. "Well, two can
play at that game." Casting about, she wove her way through
the fusilade to the nearest table, holding the bowl, which
was now vibrating frequently with solid hits, before her.

"Saotome Anything Goes Stiffed Waitress Attack!" she
called, throwing whatever she could find on the table.
Napkins. Plates. Tablecloth. Toothpicks. A receipt book.
A lamp, with candle burning.

Ranma, watching, noted that Butthead was more interested in
Bull's attack weapons than he was in the action. He seemed
fascinated, pulled toward the debris on the floor behind
Beavette. "Just like him," she mused.

The flare of candle wax from the lamp ignited one of Bull's
patched sleeves. This distracted Bull long enough for
Beavette to get close. She was breathing heavily, nearly
winded, but she had to get in one good blow before Bull
pulled back and started throwing things again. She did not
have a lot of tricks to draw from, so she fell back on what
came naturally.

While Bull slapped at the flames, Beavette launched a flying
kick that took her in the midriff, and Bull was down. Ukyo
hurried to douse the fire.

Doubled up and wheezing uncontrollably, Bull looked up to
see Beavette's hand being offered to help her off the floor.
She waved it away, content for the moment to rack her lungs
in pain. Finally, she accepted aid and was pulled to her
feet.

"Sunnofabitch, you... hit hard!" Bull laughed. When she
could move, she threw her arm around Beavette's neck and
squeezed. "Gotta hand it... to ya. Beat me... fair and
square."

"What's all... this about?" Beavette indicated the intimate
apparal lying about, "Hehehheh... funny weapons..."

"That's what I'm gonna use on that bastard Happy," she
replied.

"Mind if I ask why?" Ranma joined the conversation.

Bull nodded her head `yes', "Why should I blab to you?"

"You can tell me, then," said Beavette.

"Hokay..." Bohal grabbed a cold drink and collapsed onto a
stool. "I usta be in this orphanage, see? Real dorky
place, only they fed us well. Couldn't get placed out.
Nobody wanted me. Said I was 'inferior'."

"That's rough," sympathized Ranma.

Bull glanced at her, "I ain't talkin' to you," she sniffed.

She continued, to Beavette, "Anyway, I had my belly full of
bein' looked down on. Then one day, there's a big flap...
seems a panty thief was working the dorms. Caught us with
our unmentionables hung out to dry. Took everybodies' stuff
but mine. All my life I have been called 'inferior'. Can
you imagine how I felt when everyone saw that mine were the
only ones he left? Even my UNDERWEAR was not good enough
for a panty thief! So I swore I'd get even with him."

Ranma glanced over at Butthead, who seemed to be quietly
collecting a bundle of lace for himself.

"THAT is why the old goat is hiding," she announced.

"Yeah? What old goat? Happy?" Bull asked.

"Tell you what," said Ranma, "Suppose I can flush 'Happy'
out of hiding. Then you can run him down and treat him
however you want to. Do you mind waiting a day?"

"No..." Bull said reluctantly, "But why can't you just tell
me where he is? Save you a lot of trouble."

Ranma sighed, tugging at her braid. "It's sort of a matter
of honor," she said.

Bull grabbed another mug of cold water and threw it on her
head, to cool off. Butthead, being nearby, caught some of
the spray and the ensuing panic emptied the cafe until the
dinosaur could call them back. Reluctantly, customers eased
back in and conversation resumed. A family of eight
clustered about Butthead/dinosaur, with the children begging
for a story or a game. A crowd of waifs developed, and
there were children waving them goodbye much later as Ranma
and her party started home.

"Fellows, I got one more thing to ask of you," Ranma said.

---------------------

Much later, that night:

"Well, hullo, Cologne. Fancy meeting you here, sneaking in
the back entrance."

"Uhhmm... I was just checking up on your responsibility,
Son-in-Law."

"Well, you're gonna have to wait," Ranma said, and she
whistled toward the house.

"Ranma, I still don't think you should be doing this!"
Akane said, shivering in the cold night air.

"Wait? What have you gotten into, Son-in-Law?"

"Using the old man's room as a dressing room," she said,
"After all, he's too sick to notice, and our guests needed a
place to change clothes."

"What? You'll ruin everything!"

"I sure hope so. Listen!"

>From the room above, they could hear noises of a door
opening, followed by a high girlish voice. "Oh!" it said,
"I can't change in here! There's someone in here!"

"Don't be afraid, pretty girl" pleaded a smaller older
voice, "Come closer, so I can see you."

"Hehehehe... What a cute little old man!"

"Pretty lady!"

"Oh! Heheheheh. Hello."

"Pretty lady! Gives a dying old man a kiss?"

"Sure! Hehehehh...."

"That sounds pretty healthy," smirked Ranma.

"Ranma! She isn't really going to..." started Akane.

"You better believe it," said Ranma, "Wait!"

"Ah... Who's that?" came a querulous old voice.

"This is my friend. She'll be glad to kiss you!"

The Tendo household vibrated with a piercing scream,
followed by a gentle voice crying out with great affection.

"But I love you! Do you love me? Will you play with me?"

"Get it away from me! Gaaahhh! Get it off!
GetitoffGetitoffGetitoffGetitoff-a-me!"

Ranma smiled more broadly. "The old pervert is awake, I
guess," she said. "My honor is no longer at stake. How
about my hair-tie?"

The old hag eyed the young girls. She hesitated, considering
the hold on Ranma she was giving up. "Here," she sighed,
handing over the thin strand. "But don't think you are off
the hook, son-in-law. Your honor just makes you that much
more valuable a husband for my granddaughter."

Akane sniffed. "Maybe he does have honor," she said, "But
he's still a pervert."

"Not as bad as some, though," Ranma declined to argue, her
attention being caught by the sight of a dwarfish man
scrambling madly over the fence, chased by a purple dinosaur
with long hair, a shawl, and a purse. The dinosaur was
calling him back with love.

"You did well," said Cologne, watching Ranma with hooded
eyes. "Against a force of unspeakable evil, you used a
force of unspeakable good."

Ranma sighed as she tied the braid in place.

"I don't think so," she added, "That poor hedge-demon is
probably still gagging."

Cologne's eyes narrowed.

"When did you figure it out?"

"When you kept coming back to check up on Happosai. I know
you didn't like him *that* much. And every time you
visited, he would get worse, so I guessed you were bringin'
him herbs to fake his `dying'. What I couldn't understand
was why he would go along with such a dumb prank, until I
found out about Bohal and her grudge."

"Heh heh heh... you'll do, son-in-law."

"Ain'tcha mad cause I beatcha?"

"Oh, I did not lose, future son-in-law. On the contrary,
you've just proved yourself that much more valuable."

"Grrr.. Why do I get the feeling I been wasting my time?"

-------------

It was late. Kasumi, exhausted, was resting from watching
over Happosai. The two gaijin, still in cursed form, were
also tired out from staying awake all night waiting for
Cologne.

Genma was hungry.

"I'm starving! I don't care if it breaks us, I'm calling
for takeout!" cried Genma, lifting the phone off the hook
and dialling without looking (1).

At that moment, Akane entered, bearing a plate of brownies
left from the previous night, and Genma began to help
himself.

There was a 'poof!' and a shapely girl with long silver-
blond hair stood before them.

"How may I help you?" she inquired, "You have one wish, use
it wisely."

Genma murfled around the brownies.

"I wish those two gaijin would get cured and go home,"
blurted Akane.

"Hmmmm. A two-parter. Well, it's worth a try."

Akane staggered back from the sudden flash of light. There
were surprised cries from the next room, as Beavis and
Butthead were returned to normal. Then there was a 'poppop'
as air rushed into the vacuum left when they disappeared.

"Done, and done," said the silverblond girl, tossing her
hair back out of her face.

"You mean you *cured* them, just like that?"

"Of course. I *am* a goddess, you know. Used this formula
I picked up last year from a company in China. Hadn't
tested it before, but it worked real well."

"But... but that means you could cure..."

"Wups. Sorry, only one wish to a customer. Goddess rules.
Oh, by the way, those smell like delicious brownies. Any
chance you might have some to spare?"

Akane eyed the crumbs on the plate and Genma's bulging
cheeks. "Nope," she said, "And you just zapped the chef."

"Well, them's the breaks. Gotta go!" and Urd unpoofed.

---------------

"Oh, Ranma, I'm sorry. I had a chance to cure you and I
messed it all up."

"Heh. From what you told me about that 'cure', it sounds
like the stuff Shampoo tried to fool me with... it only
worked temporarily. I wonder..."

Kasumi sighed.

Ranma said, "What'sa matter? You act like you're sad to see
them go. Don't tell me you found something to like about
them?"

"Oh, yes, I am going to miss her," Kasumi brightened, "She
was an excellent cook. We had such a good time baking
cookies."

"Guess every cloud has a silver lining," admitted Ranma.

"Oh, by the way, has anyone seen Ryoga?" Kasumi wondered
suddenly.

"Last I saw, he was hiding in the closet," said Ranma.

"He hasn't come out," said Akane, "Where could he be?"

"Leave it to him to get lost in a closet," sighed Nabiki.

----------------

Pushing aside a tangle of branches, he fought clear of the
briars and undergrowth. "Free!" he gloated, "I got away
from them!"

Rough hands caught him as he walked past a pine thicket.
"Don't go out there!" cried a bib-overall clad stranger,
"Fer God's sake, don't go out there!"

"Let go!" cried Ryoga, pulling out of his grasp. "What'ya
mean? I'm just now getting away from those creeps!" Again,
he exulted as he broke into the open, "I'm free! I'm ..."

In the clearing, two voluptuous creatures in tight blouses
and miniskirts sighted him. One turned to the other and
cried, "Look! A may-yun!" Over their heads swung a sign
that said, "Sadie Hawkins Day Races - R.I.P."

"Uh oh," he said.

---------------

On a plain, ordinary street, in a plain, ordinary town, two
youths woke from a bone-tired sleep.

Butthead yawned, smacked his lips, and sat up. [Must have
been a dream,] he decided. He journeyed to the bathroom
sink and splashed cold water on his face. [Yep, just a
dream.]

Wandering back to the front room, he switched on the TV, and
kicked it when it did not immediately come to life. The
numbers lit up. The screen sizzled to flakes of video snow.

He stretched mightily, as his companion wandered in.

"<Yawn> Man! I had a kick-ass dream!"

"Yeah. Me, too. Heeheheheh. That was a cool dream. I
fragged their butt!"

They eyed the defunct television set. Nothing they could do
about it right now. Time for school. Boredom. At least it
was not raining.

And boredom still as they returned from day after vacuous
day at school.

Then one day, they got a letter. From Bull.

There was silence as the two contemplated their memories.

Then they stared at each other for a long moment. It is not
difficult to imagine their conversation:

"Huhhuhuh...."

"Heeehehehe.."

Almost simultaneously they moved, one to the bathroom, one
to the kitchen. A listener at the door would have heard
nothing for long moments, then...

"Ohhhh, sh...!"

<Splash/Splash!>

Silence echoed through the house, then:

"How about fudge brownies?"

"Of course... or maybe maccaroons."

"Both!"

_______________________________
1 Not a safe thing to do in Nerima

END Beavis and Butthead One/Half

----------------------------------------------------------

Standard Disclaimer: Characters from Ranma 1/2 are
property of Takihashi Rumiko; Beavis and Butthead are property of
MTV; Urd, from Ah! Megamisama is copyright by Fujishima. All
were used without permission. Anyone else's property is their
own. Anthing left over is mine until the next yard sale. There
are some scenes and comments in this story where in all honesty I
cannot remember if they were derived from something in other
stories I have read or cut from whole cloth. So if you see
something that looks familiar, "Gomenasai, and domo- arigato".

Self inflationary explanations:
- No, the Akabaka forest does not exist. If it did, someone
would have logged it by now.
- Bull is a contraction for Bohal, gang members also called
her Bull because she used a bull-whip.
`Bohal' is a shortening of `Bo-hea' plus `all'.
`Bo-hea' is a Mandarin word for... naww, I'm not gonna
tell. Go look it up in Mr. Webster's.

I would like to thank my pre-readers, Daniel and Jesse Paul
for their cautious thumbs-up, Takahashi Rumiko for starting
this mess, the guys who turned BnB loose on MTV, Al Capp,
and Robert Heinlein for subliminal inspiration in ways he
never thought about.

Once again, thanks for reading. I know I have stretched the
rules on a few conventions, and borrowed a lot from some truly
fine stories, but it is nice to hear your opinions of this story.
Comments and Criticisms appreciated. Flames will be used to
toast marshmallows and weiners at the next BnB gettogether.

This fanfic is written for public consumption without intent
of monetary recompense. If you are making money from it,
you are being naughty. Just wait `til your father gets
home.

<jee...@ix.netcom.com>

James