[Ranma][FanFic] Scenes From Nerima 3:Further Acts Of Incompetence From The Cast Of Ranma 1/2
Emperor Stephen Schlueter
and
Rebels In Black Productions
Present
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Scenes From Nerima 3:
Further Acts Of Incompetence From The Cast Of Ranma 1/2
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A Blatant Rip-Off By Stephen "Mr. Sequels" Schlueter
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Based On
"Ranma ½" By Rumiko Takahashi
and
"Scenes From Nerima" By Andrew Eoff
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C&C To <emperors...@hotmail.com>
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In my ongoing quest to take a good idea and wear it completely thin, I
wrote some more "Ranma ½" out takes. The first section is dedicated to
straight Ranma bloopers. The rest are out takes from my own work
including, "An Alan Smithee Fanfiction" and the now infamous "Urban
Legends". I can only hope Andew Eoff forgives me for blatantly ripping
off his idea.
-Stephen Schlueter
Part One: Scenes From Rumiko Takahashi's Nerima
Scene One: Ryoga is about to ambush Ranma, yet again. He jumps high into
the air preparing for an assault.
Ryoga: Ranma! Prepare to die!!
He misses Ranma by a good ten feet and hits a wall instead.
Director: Cut!
Take 2:
Ryoga: Ranma! Prepare To Die!!
He tries to leap into the air and trips on a crack in the sidewalk.
Ryoga lands on his face.
Director: Oh, for... Cut!
Take 3:
Ryoga: Ranma!! Prepare... Hey, where is he?
Ranma is off stage signing autographs.
Ranma: Yeah, it's true. I do my own stunts.
Director and Ryoga smack themselves in the forehead and wander off
Scene Two: Ranma and Genma are doing their morning sparring. Ranma knock
Genma into the koi pond.
*Thunk!*
Director: Cut! Who forgot to fill the pond?
Scene Three: Ukyo, Ranma-Chan and Akane are in Ukyo's resturaunt talking
about Tsubasa.
Long pause.
Ukyo: Hey! Tsubasa! That's your cue to bust through the wall in the soda
machine.
Tsubasa: (muffled) Someone get the jaws of life! I can't move in this
thing!
Scene Four: Ranma confronts Prince Toma in his private chamber.
Long silence.
Ranma: Dammit. What's my line?
Toma: Why are you the lead? You're always screwing up? I'm going back to
my trailer. Call me when this bozo learns how to act.
Akane: I can't believe I turned down an opportunity to play the lead in
"Princess Mononoke" for this.
Scene Five: Akane and Ranma walking to Furinkan High. Ranma is walking
along the fence.
Ranma: You see, Akane, it's like this...
He slips and falls off the fence.
Director: Cut!
Take 2:
Ranma: You see, Akane, it's...
He trips on the top of a fence post and falls again.
Director: Jeez...
Take 3:
Ranma: You see, Akane...
He starts to lose his balance and falls *on* the fence. Everyone on the
set winces.
Akane: That had to hurt.
Scene Six: Yet another public bath house oriented storyline. Akane,
Nabiki, Kasumi and the central female cast are all soaking in hot
water.
Ukyo: I hate these bath house episodes. The steam messes up my hair.
Akane: Yeah, but we get triple our scale rate for doing nude scenes.
Kasumi: I get triple scale and you don't even see me.
Nabiki: Yeah, some of us are a tad too lucky if you ask me.
Director: Ahem. Ladies, we're rolling.
Scene Seven: Hiroshi, Diasuke, Yuka and Sayuri are standing around
chatting.
Long pause.
Hiroshi: Hey, where is everyone?
Diasuke: I'm getting sick of having to wait on the stars. We're just as
important as they are! We should go on strike!
All: Yeah!
Director: (To set manager) Remind me to kill them off in the next
episode.
Part Two: Scenes From Alan Smithee's Nerima
Note: These are out takes from the "Alan Smithee" fanfics I wrote that
became unusually popular. Considering Smithee's work, his out takes must
be pretty bad.
Scene One: Akane enters Dr. Tofu's office.
Akane: Doctor, how is Ranma? I'm so fearful he won't survive!... Oh,
please. Who's going to believe that I would say this crap?
Smithee: Cut! That's the point... Yeesh, how come no one knows genius
when they see it?
Scene Two:
Kuno: Both the pig-tailed girl and Akane Tendo have rejected me! I can
live no more!
Kodachi: Oh, please, when has that ever stopped you?
Kuno: Good point.
Smithee: Cut! Stop using logic, dammit!
Scene Three: The guest critics are in the balcony. Stephen Schlueter is
chatting with Roger Ebert.
Stephen: Honestly, Roger. I think you should give me a shot as the guest
critic. I can overanalyze things and I'm a lot more talented than the
guy you had on last week.
Zen: Zen is far more enlightened than you.
Smithee: People! Could we please get on with the scene!
Andrew: Hey! You're ripping off my idea!
Stephen: Uh-oh!
Stephen runs off the set.
Scene Four: The cast is going over the script.
Ranma: So basically we all commit suicide?
Ryoga: How come I have to die first? I always die early in these
stories. I died in the first "Urban Legends" fic too. I'd better call my
agent about this.
Akane: How'd this guy become a director?
Smithee: Stop insulting my work! I'm a genius!
Ranma: Sure you are.
Part Three: Scenes From "Urban Legends"
Note: The following are out takes from the "Urban Legends" slasher fics,
something I should probably be working on rather than writing this.
Scene One: Gosunkugi is about to be attacked by the killer.
*Thunk!*
Schlueter: Cut! Those windows aren't supposed to have real glass, you
morons!
Scene Two: The Tendo House. The phone rings.
Kasumi: Akane, could you get that?
Akane: Okay?
Answers the phone.
Akane: Hello?
Voice: This is AT&T. You haven't paid your bill this month.
Schlueter: Ha, ha. Very funny.
Scene Three: The closing scene of "Urban Legends: I Know What You Did
Last Semester". The killers confront Akane when Kevin Williamson wanders
onto the set.
Kevin: All right! Who do you think you are? You ripped off my idea!
Schlueter: Yeah, so? About a dozen other people did too. You should have
filed copyright sooner Kevin, I own the copyrights to "Scream" now.
Shows Kevin several legal documents
Kevin: Damn. I need a new lawyer.
He wanders off the set.
Schlueter: Let's try this again. Places!
[Note: Kevin Williamson is the now famous screeenwriter who wrote
"Scream", "Scream 2", "I Know What You Did Last Summer", "The Faculty"
and "Teaching Mrs. Tingle".]
Scene Four: On the set of Urban Legends H20, Akane is being chased by
the ghost masked killer.
Akane: Hold it a second!
Schlueter: Cut! What is it, Akane?
Akane: This can't be Principal Kuno. He's too tall.
Schlueter: I know. The Principal refused to appear in the sequel so we
hired someone else.
Akane: Who?
Schlueter: Robert Englund.
[Note: for those of you who don't watch horror films, Robert Englund is
the guy who played Freddy Krueger in the "Nightmare On Elm Street"
films. I've only seen the first one, personally.]
Scene Five: The ghost masked killer sneaks up on Nabiki in the shower.
He accidentally snips on the wet tile and crashes to the ground.
General Laughter.
Schlueter: I give up.
The End.
I've been spending a lot of time writing a very serious, very dark
fanfic so I decided to write this as a break from the more despairing
material. I only hope Andrew Eoff can forgive me for blatantly ripping
off his idea.
-Stephen Schlueter
--
"Look, Jiji, There's the ocean!"
"Big deal. It's just a big puddle of water."
-Kiki's Delivery Service
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