[Ranma][FanFic] Special Ops Team 1/2, Casefile 1 - The Diabolical Botanical Fanatical KUNO!
Lawrence Chu
NOTE: This is NOT supposed to hold to canon. If any of the characters
here are OOC, it's because they needed to be (or maybe it just slipped).
None of the events in the manga OR anime are used, just the characters and
locations themselves. Oh yeah, and the KUNO Foundation used here doesn't
have any relation to the KUNO Foundation used in Chris Willmore's
excellent fanfic universe, "Ranma 2096."
Now that that's over with, on with the show!
Oh, wait. That's right, I need the disclaimer. One sec. It's right
after the title sequence. Trust me on this. When did I do anything bad
to you?
***
Out in an alley, a group of thugs await their next victim. They don't
have a name, but the police are aware of them. They live off of their
prey, and what their prey has, they need.
Money. A whole lot of it.
Take the teenage couple going by. Looks like pig-tailed boy has a
Chinese shirt on. He must be rich to have gotten one of those, after
all, he had to go to China to pick it up, right? The girl behind him
probably has at least some pocket change. After all, if the lovebirds
were going somewhere this early, they gotta have some cash for the date,
right? Besides, that chick's pretty cute, and innocent looking...
It was time for them to rectify that situation. Both of those
situations. Er, meaning the one about them having cash and the one
about the girl looking innocent.
The leader of the gang stepped out of the shadows and courteously
introduced himself. "Hello there. Spare some money for a poor, young
man?"
The boy just laughed. Hard. The girl had the decency to blush.
The look on the gang leader turned sinister. "Maybe we'd better just
take it from you." He took out a pocket knife and advanced on them.
The rest of the group, all ten of them, stepped out of the shadows.
The boy continued laughing, then nodded to the girl, while still trying
to calm down. He finally assumed a serious look on his face and calmly
replied, "Maybe you'd better get out of here before the macho chick and
me wipe your face on the ground."
The gang charged the two of them. Approximately 3.14159265 seconds
later, the boy and girl walked out of the alley and straightened out
their clothing, completely unharmed.
*THWACK*
Well, almost unharmed.
"That's what you get for calling me a macho chick, you jerk."
***
They're quick.
They're deadly.
They're the #1 team of Agents that Special Ops has.
They're too young to drink.
They're...
Special Ops Team 1/2
A somewhat irreverent romp through the world of criminal espionage as
seen through the eyes of teenagers
by Lawrence Chu
a Product of My Imagination
Based on characters created by Takahashi Rumiko
All rights reserved. Used without permission. Don't sue, I have no
money.
***
CASE FILE 1: THE DIABOLICAL BOTANICAL FANATICAL KUNO
or
Special Ops Team 1/2 Can Fight!
***
In a secluded area of Tokyo, there lies a building. In it, some of the
world's top secret agents meet together as a group. There, under the
organization of one of the most ruthless leaders ever known to man, they
plan out the most daring of deeds, the most cunning of crackdowns, and
the most interesting of infiltrations within.
It is an okonomiyaki restaurant.
And a fairly popular one at that.
"ORDER UP!" Ukyou created fifteen okonomiyaki (for those keeping count,
that's six pork, three special, three vegetarian, two plain, and one
Meat Lover's) and let her waitress...er, waiter...whatever Konatsu was
deliver them to their respective tables.
One of them, of which one vegetarian plate was delivered, was a booth
with a woman whose face was hidden by a newspaper. She laid it down on
her table, took out a pen and a highlighter, and started marking
articles.
She was interrupted by a young man with a pigtail and a girl with almost
tomboyishly short hair. "'Scuse me, mind if we sit here? Everyplace
else is chock full of people."
She never looked up, but she managed a "No, it's all right, you can sit
there if you like." The couple made their orders and started talking to
each other (if you could call it talking--it was more like an extremely
heated debate involving the use of various weaponry).
Ten minutes later, another young man with a bandanna tied around his
head wandered in with a confused look on his face, walked by their
table, and asked, "Where is Nerima?"
The three people gestured to the table. He sat down next to the woman,
who just shifted her newspaper to the side and allowed him in.
The four of them sat there, in three different worlds, until the shop
closed. "Okay, Ken-chan, you can rest now," called Ukyou from behind
the counter. She turned off the stove, cleaned off the countertop, and
sat down in the chair at the end of the booth. Konatsu just sat at a
nearby table and poured himself a glass of water.
The woman finished with her marking of the newspaper and set it down,
one particular article visible.
"There's our assignment, ladies and gentlemen. This has KUNO written
all over it."
The headline read:
FOUR ARBORETUMS RANSACKED
Disaster strikes one week
before Int'l Botany Conf.
The woman continued. "Although the police deny it publicly, my sources
within the station report that all the arboretums were covered with
black rose petals. Everyone here knows what that means." All of them
nodded.
Ukyou looked around. "Say...we're short one person, aren't we?
Where's..."
Her voice trailed off. Her pulse started pounding as she let her eyes
wander about the room, slowly, as she looked at each of the people and
made a mental roll call of each person, checking each person off the
roster list until only one name was left. She paled, and her eyes
wandered slowly down to the chair she was sitting in at that moment.
The name came out with a shaky voice, because she was afraid that she
knew exactly where he was at that moment.
"Tsubasa..."
The door opened. Tsubasa wandered in. "Sorry about that, Nabs.
Traffic."
Everyone facefaulted, causing a number of dents in the table.
Nabiki tossed Tsu the newspaper. "KUNO's at it again."
"Killers United? Where...oh, got it." The transvestite-by-day stared
down at the article, then handed it to Konatsu. "'Natsu, look through
our dossiers and match up the people that might have done it, will you?
That's a good kunoichi." Konatsu nodded and went to the attic.
Tsu straightened out his suit and pulled up a chair. "Saotome. Tendo.
Hibiki." He nodded to each of the people, and the nodded back.
Nabiki pulled another folder from her jacket. "KUNO. Killers UNited
Operations. Previous leader rejected after attempting to shave all the
members' heads. His son, the current president, is extremely skilled in
kendo. I have tried to curry favor with him, though all negotiations
have failed. The assassins he selects are an elite few, though he hires
a number of others who act more like PR executives who run their day
operations."
She took a sip of bottled water and set it down. "Our job is to
infiltrate KUNO's main base, located beneath the president's mansion,
and discover exactly what they plan on doing with those stolen plants.
Hold on a sec, wait until Konatsu comes back with his report."
Konatsu came down with a folder and a video. "Got it!" he called,
putting both down on a table. He produced a VCR and television from
beneath the counter/grill and placed it in front of them. He loaded the
tape and played it, and the display immediately showed a buxom woman in
a tight leotard, who was performing some rather flexible moves that
could be interpreted in various ways. Ryouga's nose exploded on the
spot, and the other males started drooling a little bit subconsciously
(including Konatsu).
"This is Kodachi, AKA the Black Rose. She's both the chief biochemist
and assassin within KUNO. She happens to be the sister of the
president, though their relationship is somewhat strained. Her criminal
trademark is a trail of black roses at the scene of the crime. Be
warned, no matter how unarmed she looks, she always has concealed
weapons; that is how she was trained." Konatsu stopped the tape and
opened up the folder. "This is her criminal record. Impressive, ne?"
Tsubasa scanned down the list and whistled. "Even more impressive is
the number of times she gets away with it."
Nabiki sat, and gave her orders. "Tsubasa, you're going in with recon.
Stay in there until you know exactly what they're doing. Probably
something to do with biochemical weapons. Go to it!"
Tsubasa stood up and shouted, "YES MA'AM!" And with that, he stormed
out the door.
"Ranma, Akane, provide backup. You'll stay a block down from KUNO HQ.
You know exactly what you're supposed to do." With that, she winked.
They blushed. Akane got her mallet out on instinct alone. "Get to it,
you crazy lovebirds. Now don't blow your cover, no matter what you do,
understood?"
Ryouga looked like he was about to explode. Combined with the fact that
there was still blood dripping from his nose, it looked like he had just
gone through a bar brawl. It was Akane that Ranma was going out with.
HIS Akane!
How DARE he!
*CLANG*
Ukyou lifted her spatula off of his head. "Much better."
"Mm-hm. Ryouga, make sure you're at THIS place by six. We're going to
need you to shake the spies until then." She drew up a map and pointed
at a small street not far away from Ucchan's. "Ukyou, you go with him
and make sure he doesn't go too far, okay?" Ukyou nodded.
Nabiki inhaled a little bit, then said the word. "Scramble."
And they did.
***
dial nit
##############
RING
RING
CONNECTION ESTABLISHED, PLEASE WAIT...
ESTABLISHED AT 33600BPS.
Welcome to Nekomi Institute of Technology server version 3.1
User:nabs311
Pass:#############
Error. Pass:########
Error. Pass:##############
Logged in.
>finger hit...@nit.edu.jp
#######
Fifteen bags of popcorn under a hundred degree sun,
with two hundred fifty Snapples consumed as one.
As the student's life grows dreary,
he continues getting weary,
and he'll feel better when it's all said and done.
--This is Hitomi Hikaru, complaining about life.
#######
>talk hit...@nit.edu.jp /e:15p.100s.250S.1
SENDING REQUEST...
ACCEPTED. ENCRYPTING CHANNEL...
SECURE.
<hitomih> about time.
<nabs311> Sorry, Tsu stuck in traffic.
<hitomih> report
<nabs311> Sending. One moment...^C
INTERRUPTED. PLEASE RECONNECT.
>encl sum.dat hit...@nit.edu.jp /e:15p.100s.250S.1
ENCRYPTING...
SECURE. SENDING...
ACCEPTED.
>talk hit...@nit.edu.jp /e:15p.100s.250S.1
SENDING REQUEST...
ACCEPTED. ENCRYPTING CHANNEL...
SECURE.
<nabs311> Enjoy. BTW, like the new "pass. error" messages. Worked like
a
charm.
<hitomih> No prob
<nabs311> We still on for tomorrow?
<hitomih> sure, just swing by the cmpus, at 8
<nabs311> OK
<hitomih> campus
<hitomih> need to establish comm with tsu, 1sec
<naDisconnected. Press ctrl-c to leave.^C
>list
USERS ONLINE (LIST ACCURATE AS OF 3:37:41.39348):
There are [15] users currently on the nit.edu.jp server.
<5dai>
<annohide>
<arasakin>
<chowyunf>
<darkwnd>
<fujishik>
<hitomih>
<k1>
<lumlover>
<megami1>
<muhoshik>
[nabs311]
<penpen>
<sadamoty>
<takahasr>
>talk k...@nit.edu.jp
SENDING REQUEST...
ACCEPTED.
<nabs311> Don't forget the payment tomorrow. I need money for a dinner
date.
<k1> Anything to keep her identity a secret.
<nabs311> As long as you have the cash.^C
INTERRUPTED. PLEASE RECONNECT.
>fingINCOMING TALK REQUEST FROM hit...@nit.edu.jp. ACCEPT? [Y|N]y
CONNECTING...
CONNECTED.
<hitomih> comm setup. back one hour.
<nabs311> Any later, and Ranma and Akane charge in. Don't worry.
Later.
<hitomih> sure thing^C
INTERRUPTED. PLEASE RECONNECT.
>lo
DISCONNECTED FROM SERVER
quit
***
Killers United, or KUNO, as most official and underground officials call
it, is a highly sophisticated combination of warehouse/laboratory/gold
store that resides underneath the mansion. The Chief of Security,
Sasuke, makes sure that the traps are well-set and maintained by the
hour, and that cameras, which cover all angles by the way, are all
functioning.
This is the reason why Sasuke believed that they were safe. He and a
crew of twenty kept an eye on all the monitors, all the time, alert for
any people who might be scurrying towards the house. Typically, when
one is spotted, the crew gets out the popcorn and enjoys watching the
poor bastard get fried.
However, none of them were on the lookout for a moving flowerpot.
Anyone who saw it would believe it to be one of Kodachi's experiments
anyway.
Kurenai Tsubasa, reconnaissance specialist, crawled along in his
flowerpot disguise, inching across the field, carefully avoiding
whatever security traps there might have been, as he made his way to
what his blueprints said was the back entrance.
He was almost there...three more feet...
The flower pot continued to glide across, stopping only once to step
over a tripwire.
Two more feet...
One foot left...
Six inches....
Five...
Four...
Three...
Two...
One...
One half...
One quarter...
One ei*THWACK* Ow!
While the narrator got the idea that he was carrying it too far, Tsubasa
stepped on the ledge of the back doorway and knocked on the door. A
servant came out, and the last thing he saw was a flower pot making a
grab towards him.
A moment later, Tsubasa stepped out in the servant's uniform (and
convenient anonymous facial mask) and anchored the pot so that the
servant wouldn't be able to jump up and down. With that, he strode in.
As he continued down the corridor, a series of faceless people wandered
about, rushing to and fro, sending information about. People in lab
coats, people with clipboards, people in suits, and various combinations
of the three were passing by, scooting around, and standing about him.
Good for him, they didn't notice him. He continued until he reached an
area labeled
#####################
# -*BIOCHEM LAB*- #
# #
# ACCESS PROHIBITED #
# W/O AUTHORIZATION #
# VIOLATION OF THIS #
# MAY RESULT IN #
# SEVERE PUNISHMENT #
# EG TORTURE AND/OR #
# DEATH #
# #
# HAVE A NICE DAY #
#####################
and hid nearby.
It was all going to plan.
***
"Sir! Sir!"
KUNO security staff member Gosunkugi Hikaru tried in vain to get
Sasuke's attention. Being the new member typically has that kind of
problem. Being Gosunkugi tended to amplify that problem by about ten.
Billion.
After five minutes of going unnoticed, Sasuke ran right into him, which
solved his visibility problem. He finally reported what was disturbing
him.
"Sasuke, sir, I think we have a problem. I sense a disturbance in the
Force around the BioChem lab--sir! Sir! Don't walk away like that,
it's rude. Ow, my shin. Don't touch me like that, it hurts. Come
back! Itaaaiiii..."
Gosunkugi decided right then and there that he had to do something about
what he saw. He drew out his mallet, nail and voodoo doll, and readied
it.
Inhale.
Chant.
Exhale.
STRIKE!
"AAAAUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!" The scream of pain delighted Gosunkugi. Not
because he was into sadism or anything, but it meant that he was doing a
hell of a lot better with his voodoo.
"Kuso! Gosunkugi, you just killed one of the camera maintainers!"
But not better enough.
***
"Say, Chijin, when did we get a cigarette machine?"
"Beats me. In'it dangerous for one to be right outside the biochem
lab?"
"S'poze so. Oh well, since it's here, might as well make use if it,
ne?"
"Sure thing. I need a pack of WinstAAAAAA--"
"Hey, where'd you gYYAAAA--"
***
Nabiki looked at her watch. She frowned a little bit, then ran to a
public payphone and started dialing.
//Moshi moshi.//
"Guess who."
//Right. What's the problem?//
"It's been about half an hour since the last report."
//And?//
"Half an hour isn't good. I think he's stuck in there or something."
//Che...Send the Dirty Pair in fifteen minutes if he doesn't report in.
He might be in serious trouble otherwise.//
"Right."
//Ja ne.//
*Klik*
***
Tsubasa sealed their mouths shut with duct tape, and casually strolled
about. He needed to report to Nabiki before she sent anyone in. If she
did, their cover would be blown and there'd be no way they could
continue. He had to find a private place, quickly, or all hell would
definitely break loose.
Someone stopped him in his tracks.
"Say, son, I've never seen you here before. Need any help?"
Tsu looked up at the man. He looked like a strange cross between Santa
Claus and Ken Masters (hey, YOU try describing someone who looks like a
cross between Santa and Ken Masters. You expect ME to do it for you?
What do I look like, I'm drunk?). Tsu did his best with the "I'm new
here, and I'm really nervous and my boss is going to fire me if I make
one small move and I'll be homeless for the rest of my life and the
police will arrest me for vagrancy and I'll die if I make that one wrong
move" act. "Er...I'm kindalost, and I'm trying to get to the
bathroom...could you help me?"
"Sure thing, son. Two halls down, to the left, you can't miss it." The
man made the gestures appropriate to the directions.
"Err...thanks! I'll see you around, I hope!" With that, Tsubasa ran
down to their bathroom.
***
//##basa rep##ting.//
Nabiki sighed relief, then spoke back. "Tsu! What took so long?"
//##orry. I'm having a little p##blem with wi## s##atic, and I ##dn't
find a ##vate ##ace.//
"I can't hear you, there's a lot of interference somewhere. Turn down
the mike volume."
//##ning it do##. I've located the biochem lab. I'm going to try to
get in now."
"Right. Confirm entry, and report every five minutes."
//Right. Tsubasa out.##//
***
Tsubasa swiped Chijin's passcard through the BioChem lab's entry and
walked in, switchblade open beneath his right palm. Not that he'd need
to use it, but one never knows when it would be needed.
Oddly enough, the corridors were empty, save for a few cameras here and
there along the corners. However, even a single camera could be a
problem with the security. Good thing he still had a number of face
masks and wigs in, er...Disguise-space.
And speaking of disguises...
***
Nabiki paced back and forth. It was 5:30 already. Tsubasa should have
overheard something by now, but the reports he was giving stated that he
hadn't overheard anything at all. If they didn't receive word by 6:00,
then they would have to call the entire thing off and leave to avoid
suspicion. The operation would be ruined.
//##abs, come in. Repeat, Nabs, come in.//
Nabiki immediately raced to her headset. "Tsu! What is it?"
//Just listen.//
She paused for a few seconds, struggling with overhearing the words over
the static.
//...will make......ma lo.....at last.....//
"Tsu, are you recording this? I can't hear a thing."
//Yes. I just wanted you to hear--//
//OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!//
Nabiki cringed as the laughing rang through her ears as if she were the
clapper for three thousand different churchbells. "Chikusho! What was
that about?"
//Um...I believe we have here our first vocal sample of Kodachi.//
"Okay...do you think it's safe for the others to enter?"
//If they can get past the security, it should be okay. It's pretty
strong stuff, though. I almost got caught.//
"Ano...could you get to the security people?"
***
"Don't try it anymore, Hikaru, you're killing us AAAAUUUGGGHHHHHHHH!!!"
"I know I can do it! The disturbance is now in the BioChem labs! I
gotta kill it!" Hikaru went through his mind to see if there was
another spell he could use that didn't kill the people around him,
firearms or no.
"Dammit, Gosunkugi, you're fiYAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
That didn't stop him from continually rebinding the voodoo dolls and
trying again, though.
***
//I suppose. The problem wasn't that it was heavily booby-trapped, it
was that the place was rigged for silent alarms in Security, would then
press a button to activate the traps. If there's nobody in the security
region, we could clean their clocks.//
"I'll give you until 6:00 to clear it out. After that, ready or not,
they're going. See to it, number one."
//Aye aye, Captain.##//
***
Tsubasa cautiously peered out from inside the chair. Kodachi had left,
and he had his recording. It was time to go into Security and bust
their asses.
He cautiously inspected the diagrams, finally deciding on a route to get
there. Like most uninspired action movie people, he waltzed in through
the Security door.
All around him were unconscious, possibly dead bodies. All of them
surrounding one Gosunkugi Hikaru, a voodoo doll, a light five-inch nail,
and a big bad voodoo mallet. Tsubasa wasn't sure whether or not to sigh
in relief or scream in terror.
That's when Gosunkugi just threw the mallet at Tsubasa.
"N-Nighty-night, Kurenai-san," were the last words he heard before
sinking into the blackness.
***
Ranma pressed Akane up against the wall. No one else seemed to notice
them, and they didn't notice anyone else. The two of them were in their
own little world, and nothing could bring them out of it.
//Ranma! Akane! We need you in the mansion, now!//
Leave it to Nabiki to be able to shatter their world, especially
considering how frantic she sounded.
"Take it easy, Nabs," Ranma said into his mike as he ran through the
streets of Nerima. "We've got it covered."
//I don't think the security's down, be very, very careful!//
"Got it." Ranma tapped his mike out. "Come on, Akane! Move it!"
***
//Ryouga! Ukyou! We need you in the mansion! Get a move on!//
"Sure thing, sugar. Anything else?"
//Beware of the security. Don't think it's off.//
"Right." Ukyou dragged Ryouga down to the KUNO Foundation headquarters.
***
Tsubasa awoke to the smell of roses. He immediately became nervous.
It wasn't because he was tied to a chair. He had been able to get
through traps like these, although the ropes were a bit...tight...
It wasn't because he was in a huge underground botanical complex. He
actually kind of liked flowers, even really deformed ones with the
tendency to eat things like small animals, insects, and Jeeps.
It wasn't because he was stripped naked. Well, maybe it was a bit of
that.
It was the person who was staring intently at him at the edge of the sun
lamp. The shadows indicated that yes, she was definitely a female.
Without a doubt.
It was definitely what the woman was wielding. The ribbon she was
holding looked like it could be painful.
It was definitely the smile she wore on her face. Not nice,
but...lecherous.
Ho boy.
***
The four members of Special Ops Team 1/2 gathered around the front door,
deciding the best method of getting in. They decided to make their
entry in the stealthiest way possible for a Nerima Martial Artist.
*CRASH* *CRASH* *CRASH* *CRASH*
(For those of you who were wondering exactly what happened, it goes
kinda like this: Ranma was punted over by Akane, who was then lovingly
thrown in the air by Ryouga, who launched himself from Ukyou's spatula,
who used the spatula as a spring/catapult mechanism thing. Trust me,
it'll look really cool in the anime version when it comes out
ridiculously overpriced and badly dubbed in about five years.)
The four of them landed on the top floor of the KUNO Foundation
building, in a room full of security officers, all of whom were bored
and decided to indulge in some Loaded Heavy Weaponry Juggling. They
stopped to look at their new playmates.
Thirty seconds later, a muffled explosion could be heard from outside.
***
Gosunkugi Hikaru, Private Voodoo Security Guard, was on his way to see
The President. He stepped in and tried his best to appeal to The
President's ego. Typically people don't have the dignity to do this,
but remember, this is Gosunkugi.
"Very well. You may stop your ritual offerings and bowing whenever you
feel in your person that it is the proper time to do so. Truly; I do
request of you that you should stop the groveling. Please let go of my
leg. Thank you. Now, what is it that requires my esteemed self to be
in your presence?"
"Ah...b-...b-..."
"As soon as you are done being stunned by my intimidating form, you may
proceed with your report."
"b-...b-...blah...*ahem* I located a spy on the premises. The other
employees were...ah...not conscious at the time. He is being
interrogated by your sister. I, um, thought that you might, er, want to
know. You know."
"That I did. I will see to it that you are rewarded handsomely. In the
meanwhile, you are given the permission to take this pencil off my desk.
No, that pencil. The short, stubby one. Yes, that is the correct
pencil. Now, you are hereby requested to--"
There was a muffled boom in the distance. It couldn't have been more
than a few corridors down.
"Alack! I smell a sound! If my tongue does not deceive, it is the
result of the espion*'s compatriots attempting to remove his presence
from these premises! They shall not survive, for I am..."
He struck a pose as was appropriate.
***
Meanwhile, it turned out that the explosions, although potentially fatal
to most people, only did damage to the scenery, and not even large
damage at that. Special Ops Team 1/2 remained unscathed, and so did the
security guards. With that, they began to fight.
Four martial artists to twenty security officers. Who do you think is
going to win the match, the officers? You've gotta be kidding me. But
I suppose I'm going to have to describe the match anyway. It's a trend
in these fanfics.
After the explosion rocked the room and the smoke cleared and everyone
stopped coughing, the guards charged towards the fearsome foursome with
incredible speed. It is obligatory that I say that the guards could
take down black belts of other dojos and that it was the fact that they
were Nerima Martial Artists that allowed them to not only withstand the
assault but to repel it. Anyway, it went like this.
Simultaneously three of the security guards went for Ranma (who leapt
out of the way), and the coconut-like sound of their heads colliding
secretly delighted him. Then they passed out. After that, two other
guards charged him with lightning speed. A tenshin amaguriken later,
Ranma threw one guard out of one of the new skylights and created a
window with the other. The three other guards got back up again only to
pass out when Akane punted another guard in their general direction.
Akane, on the other hand, attracted the bulk of the guards. She had no
idea why. Eight of them charged towards her, and she calmly
swept-kicked through six of them. The other two were more of a problem,
though. One of them jumped and did a dazzling leap in the air, shifted
position, and aimed a kick at her head. She barely dodged it and nearly
walked into a fist from the other guard. She then proceeded to whip out
her mallet from Hammerspace and knock the first guard out. The other
guard took this opportunity to grab Akane and was about to toss her out
when she suddenly realized exactly where the security guard's hands
were.
"SECURITY GUARD NO HENTAI!" Akane let the guard have a quick nap with
three of his fellow guards.
Ukyou was having a little more fun with her guards. Not that kind of
fun, you perverts. This isn't a John Biles fantasy.
*CLANG* *CLANG*
Ow! Sorry, Bailesu...you too, Ukyou...
Anyway, the three that had stayed behind to fight her were experiencing
the joys of okonomiyaki making. Needless to say, they were the
okonomiyaki. After being battered with a giant battle spatula, the
guards were exhausted enough not to notice exactly what she was whipping
out of grill-space.
Oops, did I give it away? Oh well, you can imagine what happened to
them next. If not, let's just say she took off their helmets and set
the grill to "deep fat fry." The screams could probably be heard for a
mile.
Ryouga had the simplest time of them all, though. He just let off a
shishi houkou-dan and the four remaining guards were thrown into the
hallway.
***
The president of KUNO glided down the hallway, onwards towards his
destiny! Nothing would stop the Blue Thunder now! Mayhap the elite
security guard force recruited by none other than he hath slowed them
down. Thus, it would be a fight to deliver justice to the people who
dare release the prisoner who had attempted espionage on the mighty
KUNO! As he reached the quarters in which the battle was being drawn
out, he halted mightily to inspect...
Kami-sama! 'Tis a goddess of battle, that woman! Yes, if the lovely
Tendo Akane would allow it, he would gladly date with she, even if she
be a member of the scoundrels that were Special Ops Team 1/2! He was
admiring her beauteous grace as she malleted one security guard into
submission--oh, to be put under submission by her...but what's this?
NO! Only he may be allowed to fondle her, not that insolent whelp of a
security guard! Ah, she knows to save herself for Blue Thunder. Such
purity! And she's breathing heavily too...
***
The four of them, after having finished each of their guards, stood
there breathing heavily. After about five seconds of that, a light
sound of applause filled the room.
"An excellent show, think I. However, they are no match for me, as you
will soon discover."
Kuno Tatewaki, current president of the KUNO foundation and yakuza
group, stood in the doorway, katana at his side. He proceeded to walk
forward and trip over a guard. After getting up and brushing himself
off, Kuno stood and gave a mighty pose that Commander Riker would have
been jealous of had he not been in a different television series.
"Allow me to introduce myself. I am the mighty Kuno Tatewaki, president
of the KUNO foundation, which donates charity to organizations which
benefit children, such as the 'Free Arms for Tomorrow's Generation' fund
and the people who created the 'Teletubbies.' However, you may know me
by the name given to me by those who know me well--"
"...i.e. his brain cell," Ranma muttered under his breath.
"--THE BLUE THUNDER OF THE KUNO FOUNDATION!" Lightning struck the
katana again and allowed Kuno to do a credible imitation of a Cajun
Blackened Catfish. Not that he felt it, or even got affected by it, but
it really looked funny. The lightning went off in search of Gosunkugi
again.
"HARR, PREPARE YE'SELVES F'R THE--oh, damn." Kuno cleared his throat,
and went back to his normal accent. "PREPARE THYSELVES FOR THE FIGHT OF
THY ENTIRE LIFE SPAN!" With that, there was a mighty gleam from the
katana as he flew through the air...
***
"So tell me, Tsubasa dear, where might your friends be?" Kodachi bent
forwards towards Tsubasa, whose nose was on the verge of explosion.
"Ack," was all Tsubasa replied with.
"Please...please, pretty please?" She was now practically sitting on
him and batting her eyelashes.
"Ack." Tsubasa couldn't say much else with a ribbon around his throat.
"All right, then. I think I'll have to move on to..."
She paused, for dramatic effect. All obsessive, neurotic bad guys do
that, you know? You never know how long they take before they actually
speak again. I could just go on and write for hours and hours and hours
and she could still be in the dramatic pause. Actually, not all people
who make that pause are obsessive and or neurotic. Sometimes they
forget what they were going to say next, like in Lemon Sherbet. Also,
it's just that the ones that ARE obsessive and neurotic are the ones who
TEND to make the dramati
"Plan B."
c pauses. Oh, she finally said it. Onwards, then.
He wanted to ask what Plan B was but all he could say was "ack." Not
that it would have mattered, because he would find out in a moment, when
Kodachi would say the words he feared the most:
"BRING ME THE WHIPPED CREAM AND THE DAIRY GOATS!"
Tsubasa paled, and tried to yell out "No! No! Anything but the whipped
cream and the dairy goats!" but it came out as, you guessed it, "ack."
"OOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!"
***
....and sliced through a table that Ranma threw in the air to fend him
off. Kuno turned around, and with a speed unrivaled by any other
swordsman, fended off a number of attacks from all around him. He
parried Ukyou's spatula, fended off Ryouga's blow, jumped over Ranma's
sweep kick and landed a peck on Akane's cheek.
That, of course, got Akane mad, so she whacked Ranma over the head with
a mallet. "How could you do something like that, you PERVERT!"
Ranma, who started rolling away from Kuno's katana, shouted out "It
wasn't me! It was him! Kuno!" He threw himself upwards, hopped back as
Kuno swiped forwards, and leapt overhead to land nearby Ukyou and
Ryouga.
Kuno, who spun around in time to notice three people charging him,
sidestepped the oncoming barrage of people and let them crash into the
wall. He then readied his stance, threw a bouquet of roses (which came
from, er, flower-space) to Akane (complete with a "To Tendo Akane: I
love you") which momentarily stunned her (not THAT way--this isn't
Kodachi), and charged towards the paralyzed trio.
"Ten...ba..tsu...DA! DA! DADADADADADADADADA!" He made several
slashes, which connected with Ranma and Ryouga's shirts before being
blocked off by Ukyou's uber-spatula. Unfortunately for our male heroes,
the block was so close that neither of them could move out of the hold.
Kuno grit his teeth and said, "I...do not...hit women...madam...but if
you don't...remove...your kitchen utensil...now...I will be forced...to
alter my code...temporarily."
He never got the chance, because Akane whacked him a good one over the
skull a second later. The last words he said before he dropped to the
floor were, "That hurt, you know."
With that, Ranma picked up the katana and the four of them darted down
the hallway.
***
Tsubasa hurt all over. There was no discipline in the world that could
have helped him with the pain he was feeling. Painkillers might have
cranked it down to a strong ache. Hell, morphine couldn't help him, and
he was quite sure that the strongest stuff on the black market wouldn't
do a thing.
As soon as the goats were taken away, Kodachi tried again. "You will
tell me now. Where...are...your...friends?"
Tsubasa opened his mouth and let out a scream of pain. Kodachi let out
a sigh. She whipped him again, making him scream even louder.
"I'll make it simple for you. Tell, I'll set you free. Don't, you'll
be in far more pain than you'll ever know. And I definitely won't show
mercy. As a matter of fact, don't tell me. I'll have more fun that
way. OOOHOHOHO--"
Her bout of maniacal laughter was cut off by a katana thrown at her
(which hit her hilt first).
"That's enough of you!"
The four clothed members of Special Ops Team 1/2 ran in and nearly
succeeded in turning Kodachi into pulp, if it weren't for the fact that
they didn't. Instead, Kodachi leapt out of the way and used her whip to
grab onto Ukyou's spatula, which was then promptly yanked out of her
hands.
"My spatula!" Ukyou screamed. Her face changed from startled to what
men refer to as an "it's that time of the month" expression. "YOU
BITCH!" She then took three hand-spatulas and flung it at her. Kodachi
skillfully manipulated the giant spatula to deflect two of the three,
but the third one trimmed the ribbon-whip to a foot's length, rendering
it useless.
"Harlot! Now you'll pay!" Kodachi produced three clubs from
Martial-Arts-Rhythmic-Gymnastics-Weapons-space and threw it at Ukyou.
She then twisted around (she's still in mid-air, mind you) and tossed
six more clubs at Akane.
Ranma and Ryouga were busy getting out of the way. Much as they knew
how dangerous Kodachi was, they didn't hit girls unless the situation
proved really, REALLY necessary. Somehow, though, Ryouga wound up
somewhere on the other side of the greenhouse, while Ranma ran over to
check up on Tsubasa.
Akane and Ukyou both deflected the clubs sent their way. Ukyou tossed a
pepper sack in the air and threw a hand spatula through it, causing the
small pouch to rip open and spray in Kodachi's face. In the meanwhile,
she picked up her spatula and ripped off the ribbon that was tangled
around it.
It was then that Kuno Tatewaki decided to show up.
"My dear sister, I wish to warn you that--oh, I see they've made it here
already. Very well, then. KYA!" Kuno charged Ranma, who did a
cartwheel over Tsubasa in order to dodge Kuno's boken.
"You may have taken my legendary blade, but you must now face the wrath
of vengeful younger brother! PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM, THOU VILEST--"
"Aw, stuff it, Kuno! MOUKO TAKABISHA!" The sphere of pride-generated
ki flew out and knocked Kuno to the ground. Ranma leapt up and
attempted to stomp on Kuno's head, but missed when he rolled out of the
way. Kodachi then tossed a bouquet of black roses at Ranma, who kicked
them into Kuno's face.
While Kuno lay paralyzed, Ryouga ran back into the fray, with a lei
around his neck. No one bothered to ask how it got there. He saw Kuno
paralyzed and started to kick him around and toss him into the foliage.
At about the same time, Kodachi finally gave up the ghost (hit by
Ukyou's battle spatula) and fell to the ground, landing on Ranma.
Unfortunately, both of them woke up at the same time.
"Oh, my Ranma-sama! I didn't notice you were here!" Kodachi sobbed
into Ranma's chest as she started to wrap her legs around him. "Please,
I need your--"
She stopped. It tends to happen when you have a mallet in your head.
"Thanks, Akane. I didn't know what I was gonna--"
He stopped. It tends to happen when you find yourself in midair.
"Baka." Akane looked at Tsubasa, then at Ukyou. "We gotta find
Tsubasa's clothing before we walk out!"
Ukyou looked desperate. "We don't have enough time! What're we gonna
do?"
A hand raised from the floor. "Although I would like nothing more than
to be naked in front of you, Ukyou-sama, I have an idea."
***
Four ragged-looking teenagers and one "turn right" sign walked away from
the now-official crime scene, headed for the Tendo dojo once more. It
was seven o'clock, so Kasumi would have dinner ready by now. Besides,
Nabiki was probably there, waiting and ready for the debriefing.
As they kneeled in front of Nabiki (and refreshments were brought out),
they discussed the entire mission, from the reconnaissance to the
infiltration, and who went wrong where. You know, typical debriefing
stuff.
"Tsubasa, please hand me the tape so that we can turn it over to the
authorities."
The only recently clothed Tsubasa handed over the recording that was
hidden in his cigarette machine disguise. "Here ya go. I think you'll
find the evidence on the tape proof enough of their actions."
Nabiki shook her head. "I'm not the one who decides if it's proof. The
court decides that." She then pushed the PLAY button, and Kodachi's
rants were quite audible:
"With this extract, I will make a botanical virus! All the plants in
the world will be infected by this, and they will all bend to MY
command! I WILL make Ranma-sama love me, AND world domination will
belong to KUNO AT LAST! Power will be ours. OURS!
OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!"
All of them cringed when they heard that last laugh.
"Well, I'm glad she didn't make that extract," Ranma said after his ears
stopped ringing. "I would've hated to see how she would make me love
her using those plants." He shuddered.
Tsubasa shuddered even more. "If you think that would be bad, you
haven't had her use the whipped cream and dairy goats on you yet."
"Why? What happened there?"
"Well, it went like this--"
"Very good, very good," Nabiki interrupted. "However, we don't have the
time to listen to these kinds of stories. We still have some more work
to do, and we have to be prepared if anything goes wrong. Understood?"
"HAI!" Everyone chorused at once.
"We're meeting again tomorrow, same time, same place, right?"
"HAI!"
"Very good! Now let's get up, and let's go eat!"
After a brief facefault, they got up and shouted "HAI!" twice as
enthusiastically as before.
***
END CASEFILE 1
***
Endnotes:
Finally done with the premiere of this Fanfic. Didn't think I'd go
through with it, because most of my other efforts haven't been finished
yet, either. Don't ask what I put myself through to get this done--most
of it came through sleep deprivation over vacation time.
I'm not sure if this is going to become a full-fledged series or not.
It'd be nice, but it would take a large amount of effort and I'm not
sure if I can handle it. I've already got a couple of episode plots in
my head, though, and perhaps another casefile will be out soon.
However, I'm not going through with it unless I receive feedback from
you guys. Positive, negative, whatever, as long as it's helpful in some
way, even if it's just a "keep it going" message (thanks to the person
who sent that message, it made my day).
If you want the full-fledged, Criterion Supplemental-type running
commentary and reference guide, just e-mail me and I'll have it sent to
you promptly.
In the meanwhile, thanks for reading.
This has been a Product of My Imagination
chu_...@hotmail.com
Let's hear it for the prereading crew, Yasha and Jiro Maeda!
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