[Ranma][Fanfic] Close Encounters of the Hentai Kind

[Martin Bennett]

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Clogged Sink Press Presents:

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction

Close Encounters of the Hentai Kind

By: Plunger

All characters copyright of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Inc. and
Viz Communications, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah...
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[Story begins...]

[Nerima, Morning]

[Scene opens with an airiel picture of Nerima. It is sunny day and all
seems right in the world.]

[The typical sounds of morning in a Japanese town can be heard. They are
similar to the sounds of most towns around the world. Cars driving, shops
opening, children walking to school, laughing and joking. However in Nerima,
Japan, there is a sound not heard in most places. It is the sound of a regular
morning ritual...]

[Picture zooms in on Happousai. He is running along being persued by a mob of
enraged women, who are armed with a variety of nasty and sharp looking
weapons. He laughs loudly as he hops along, carrying his bag of booty.]

Happousai: Ahhh! Another wonderful haul! (to women) Come on, girls! Can't you
keep up with an old man?! You know how I love seeing your beautiful
breasts bounce in the morning!

[Happi is so intent on his game that he fails to see a familiar figure. He
charges right into her foot as she kicks him. He sails up in the air and lands
on his back on the ground. He looks up and sees heaven.]

Happi: Ahhh! Pink polkadots! (jumps up) I'd recognise them anywhere! (leaps
at person) Akane-chan!

[Akane stops him midflight with her fist and then steps on him.]

Akane: You disgusting old lech! What are you up to now?! (sees mob) I see you
have few admirers... Let me help you get to them!

[Akane pulls her foot back and punts Happi straight at the mob of women. They
see him coming and knock him onto the ground. They then beat him senseless.
Akane sniffs and walks off, satisfied. Ranma walks off with her, sniggering.]

Happi: (weakly) I'll remember that...

[Scene cuts to Furinkan High.]

[Ranma and Akane walk through the gates together. Well...perhaps not
together...but definetly at the same time.]

Akane: That little lech is such a pest!

Ranma: Be glad he doesn't want to train you!

Akane: No! He just wants my underware!

Ranma: Yeah...go figure... There's just no accounting for taste...

Akane: And what does that mean?!

Ranma: (offhandly) Well... Who'd want the panties of an uncute tomboy like
you, anyway?

Akane: Grrrr! DIE, RANMA!

[Akane hammers Ranma and punts him into the air. He sails some distance and
lands heavily, right at Kunou sempai's feet.]

Kunou: Well, Saotome... I see you bowing at my feet. Does this mean you wish
to beg for mercy? Go ahead. I may grant it.

[Ranma gets up and glares in Akane's direction as she walks over to the
confrontation. He then turns to face Kunou.]

Ranma: I'm not interested, Kunou. Go find someone else to annoy...

Kunou: How dare you! I will crush you! (raises his bokken) Judgment is at
hand!

[At this point there is a rumbling sound and everybody turns. Ranma leaps
straight up in the air. Akane dives out of the way as Happi lands on Kunou
and then bounces off. Kunou gets up, only to be run over the same mob of
women from before. Ranma lands near Kunou and crouches down. Kunou is
unconscious. Akane walks over to join Ranma.]

Ranma: (to Akane) You know... I don't think I've ever been glad to see that
little lech before...

Akane: Hah! I wish he'd go away! Permanently!

Ranma: (shrugs) Wishing don't make it true!

Akane: (frowns) I know. Come on!

[Ranma and Akane walk into the building, leaving Kunou layed out on the
ground.]

[Scene cuts to the sports field. Or more specifically, the girls locker room.
There are a number of screams and shouts from within. A moment later, Happi
bounds out. He is being persued by the girls hockey team. They look mad.]

Hockey Team: Come back, Pervert! We'll crush you to powder!

Happi: Come on! This is no fun if you don't try! Come and get-

[He is cut off as a LARGE spatula is placed in his path. He slams into it and
is then scooped out of the air and flicked to the hockey team. They surround
him and beat him to a bloody pulp. Ukyou nods to the greatful hockey players
and walks off, satisfied.]

[Scene cuts to classroom 1-F. Inside, Ranma, Akane and Ukyou are sitting
together.]

Ukyou: I just found that little hentai Happousai in the girls changerooms!

Akane: I know. He's so discusting...and embarressing!

Ranma: He seems to be on the rampage this morning... I wonder why...

Ukyou: I don't even want to know.

Akane: Yes. Ignorance is bliss.

Ukyou: It's a pity we can't do something about him...

Ranma: Who says we can't?

Akane: You tried! And where did that get you?! You just ended up with no
strength!

Ranma: (shrugs) So I went about it the wrong way. It doesn't mean he's
invincible.

Akane: Have you got any ideas?

Ranma: (shrugs) Stick one of his grenades in his mouth and throw him into an
industrial press?

Ukyou: It sounds good...

Akane: Why bother? He only comes around once a while.

Ranma: Yeah...and stays just long enough to take your underware and drive
everyone crazy! He's a menace!

Akane: Shhh! (glares at boys, who are staring) Okay! I want to turn him into
a pancake as much as you...but he's too clever and very lucky!

Ranma: I think we can get him if we try... Besides, I can think of plenty of
other people who'd like to take shot at him...

[Scene cuts to outside. It is lunchtime. Ranma, Akane and Ukyou are sitting on
the lawn. Suddenly Happi appears and lands on Ranma's head.]

Ranma: What do you want, you dried up old perv?

Happi: I saw you here and thought you might have some food for me.

Ranma: I have actually got something for you...

Happi, Akane and Ukyou: What?!

Ranma: (casually) Yeah...

Happi: What is it?

Ranma: My fist!

[Ranma punches Happi, sending him rolling across the ground like a medicine
ball. Happi staggers to his feet and glares at Ranma.]

Happi: You will pay for that, boy!

Ranma: Yeah, yeah... You'll avenge yourself... Big deal!

Akane: (walks over to Happi and crouches down) Why are you here, anyway?

Happi: Sweeto!

[Happi tries to glomp her but is met by her palm. He slumps to the ground and
tries to look innocent and cute. Akane glares at him and he begins to sweat.]

Happi: I just wanted a little fun... There are so many pretty girls here...
It's a one stop shop... I didn't think anyone would mind...

Akane: (picks him up by the collar) You are a disgusting, dirty, perverted old
man! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out of here! And if you
come back, I'll REALLY get mad!

Ranma: (grins) Now you're in for it!

[Akane throws Happi into the air and then punts him over the horizon. She then
goes and sits down with Ranma and Ukyou.]

Akane: Honestly! Will he ever learn?!

Ranma: Not unless you beat him to death... Say...there's an idea! Why don't
you just pulp him with your macho muscles?!

Akane: (warning) Ranma!

Ukyou: (calmly) Surely there's a better way to get rid of him...

Ranma: I'm open to suggestions.

Akane: I've had enough of him. He makes my skin crawl.

Ranma: I was wondering why you looked funny today!

Akane: (backhands Ranma) Who asked you?!

Ranma: (holding nose) Sowwy...

[Scene cuts to the Tendou Dojo. Happi bounds into the yard and pulls off his
perverts mask. He then walks into the house and finds Kasumi. He smiles and
launches himself at her.]

Happi: Sweeto! Come to Happi!

[Kasumi turns and sees him coming.]

Kasumi: Oh, my!

[Just as he is about to achieve glomp, she raises a frying pan. He crashes
into it with a sound generally attributed an orchestra falling down a well.
He falls to the floor and looks dizzly at her. Kasumi has put the pan down
and is looking at him.]

Kasumi: Would you like some lunch?

[Nabiki walks in and steps on Happi. She stops right on top of him.]

Nabiki: Hi, Oneechan. Did you just mention lunch?

Kasumi: Certainly. Taking a break from study?

Nabiki: Yeah... Not that I need to study for an economics test anyway...
(looks down) Hey! What am I stepping on?

Kasumi: Happousai. Lunch will be ready shortly.

Nabiki: (stomps him a bit) Oh. Okay...

[Nabiki walks back out and disapears. Happi is left on the floor, a total
wreck. Kasumi casually pulls out a broom and sweeps him outside. He floats
away like a leaf in the wind.]

Happi: Defeated...by two non martial artists...how sad...

[Scene cuts to a street somewhere in Nerima. Ranma and Akane are walking home
when Happousai bounds past waving a pair of panties. A moment later, Mousse
appears. He runs straight past Ranma and Akane.]

Mousse: SAOTOME! BRING BACK SHAMPOO'S PANTIES! I WILL DESTROY YOU!

Ranma: (big eyes) But I...

Akane: (bemused) He thinks Happi is...you! (ammused) Hahahahahaha!

Ranma: It's not funny! He'll be out to get me, now!

Akane: Well. You could go find him and explain.

Ranma: Nah. I'll have to beat him up either way.

[Mousse come screaming back around the corner. He sees Ranma (the real one)
and charges.]

Mousse: DIE, RANMA!

[Ranma ducks as Mousse attempts to slash him with his claws. Ranma jumps over
a blade and plants his foot in Mousse's face.

Mousse: Ow. Why did you do that?

Ranma: Hey, you were the one attacking me!

Mousse: That's because you stole Shampoo's underware!

Ranma: No, I didn't! I don't do that sort of thing! That was Happousai!

Mousse: But I could have sworn...

Ranma: You can't see me, can you?

Mousse: (adresses Akane) Of course I can. I'm facing you right now!

Akane: Actually, I'm Akane.

Mousse: Oh. Happousai you say?

Ranma: Yeah... He seems to be having a busy day...

Mousse: Then it is he that I must punish!

Ranma: Why are you worrying?

Mousse: I must protect the honor and person of my beloved Shampoo. Therefore
I have to get her panties back.

Ranma: (waves hand) Whatever... Good luck!

Akane: Give him a punch for me, too.

Mousse: I will. Bye!

[Mousse runs off in a random direction. Ranma and Akane watch him for a moment
before moving on.]

Ranma: Well, you can't say Happi's being inconspicuous.

Akane: Yes. I wonder why he's in such a frenzy today...

Ranma: Maybe he has a quota to meet? Who knows? Maybe he has to steal two
tons of underware a month or something...

Akane: I wish our fathers could have gotten rid of him once and for all.

Ranma: Happi's some sort of demon. I don't think you can kill him...

Akane: How about a bullet in the brain?

Ranma: He hasn't got one... Nothin' there to hit!

Akane: He's just so frustrating...and expensive! Whenever he shows up, our
finances crumble.

Ranma: He's the living embodyment of economic rationalism...

Akane: What?

Ranma: Nothing... Just something Nabiki said...

Akane: Whatever... What he is, is the living embodyment of perversion!

Ranma: If only we could disembody him!

Akane: (smiling) How about disembowel him?

Ranma: It's a pity, though... He is a great master...

Akane: Of perving!

[Ranma and Akane walk back home and find Souun at the front door. He appears
to be trying to explain why all the ladies underwear in the neighborhood is
on his washing line.]

Souun: Umm... Well.. You see... (sees Ranma) Ahh! Ranma will explain! (points)

Ranma: What?! Why me?!

[The women turn as one and start castagating him.]

Ranma: (to Akane) Help!

Akane: You're pathetic! (to women) Calm down!

[They turn to Akane.]

Akane: We have this pervert that lives here. He won't go away and he brings
what he steals here... If you wait, you can bash him when he gets back.

[The women agree and Ranma and Akane are able to go inside. A short time
later, the sounds of a riot can be heard outside. A moment after, Happi
staggers in and collapses. He is looking rather mangled. Ranma picks Happi up
on his foot and looks at him.]

Ranma: What do you know? Pummeled pervert.

Happi: I will crush you for this, Ranma!

Ranma: It's not my fault if people recognise you for the pervert you are on
sight!

Happi: You told them!

Ranma: No, I didn't.

Happi: Yes, you did.

Akane: No, he didn't.

Happi: How do you know?

Akane: I told them.

Happi: (crying) Oh! Akane-chan! How could you?! Your old grandpa Happousai!
How can you do this to me?!

Akane: Easy. You're a perverted old lech and I hate you!

Happi: You'll still give me a hug, won't you?

Akane: I'd rather marry Ranma!

[Souun runs in.]

Soun: Oh! I'm so happy! Congratulations!

Akane: I didn't say I was marrying him!

Soun: (crying) Oh! Woe is me! How can you get my hopes up and then dash them
like that?!

Akane: I...(sighs) You're all hopeless!

[Akane storms out. Ranma plays footbag with Happi for a moment, before
punting him out the door.]

[Scene cuts to the dinner table. Then entire family is sitting around eating.
Happi is nowhere to be seen.]

Souun: Happousai is causing chaos and suffering once again. He is truely an
evil creature!

Genma: He is a threat to this entire house.

Nabiki: It's a pity no-one will have him charged...

Akane: You know what the courts are like! It'd take months!

Ranma: Yeah, and beating him up is more fun, anyway!

Souun: I've had seven more complaints this afternoon. He is damaging the
reputation of the school.

Genma: Maybe we could reason with him...

Akane: You can't reason with him. He's crazy!

Ranma: Yeah, the only way to deal with him is fighting.

Kasumi: Why not put him back in the cave?

Genma: He got out last time!

Kasumi: True...but it did take ten years for him to get out.

Genma: That IS true...

Souun: It would get him out of our hair for a while...

Ranma: Why don't we give him a concrete kimono and throw him into Tokyo
harbour?

Genma: No. He'd just be a hazard to shipping.

Akane: We could express courier him to Brazil.

Ranma: How about donating him to science? They could cut him up to figure out
what makes him tick!

Nabiki: I wonder if he'd have any resale value...

Ranma: What?

Nabiki: We could sell him to African slave traders...

Ranma: Who'd buy him?

Nabiki: Hmm... Point taken.

Souun: There must be some way to be rid of him...

Genma: You're right, there must...

Souun: Hmmm... Got any ideas, Saotome?

Genma: None, Tendou. What about you?

Souun: Nothing at all...

Akane: This is pathetic! I've got better things to do!

[Akane gets up and grabs Ranma by the ear.]

Akane: And so do you! Hurry up!

Ranma: But I'm not finished!

Akane: Yes, you are! Come on!

[Akane drags Ranma out.]

[Scene cuts to Akane's room. She and Ranma are trying to do homework. They
are being prevented by an arguement they are having.]

Akane: Why can't you keep your mind on your work, Ranma?!

Ranma: 'Cause I keep trying to figure out a foolproof way of getting rid of
the groping grandpa!

Akane: Just let it drop. He'll go away sooner or later.

Ranma: (sighs) I just hope it's sooner rather than later...

[Scene cuts to morning. Ranma and Akane are eating breakfast. Happi comes
in and glomps onto Ranma-kun. Ranma is most surprised.]

Ranma: What are you doing?

Happi: Reverse psychology.

Ranma: Huh?

[Happi whips out a jug of water and splashes Ranma. Ranma changes and Happi
merrily climbs all over Ranma-chan's chest.]

Ranma-chan: Aaaarrrrgh! HENTAI! GET OFF ME!

[Ranma-chan slams Happi into the floor and kicks him into the wall. Ranma-chan
then goes over to Happi and steps on him.]

Ranma-chan: Do that again and I will hurt you in ways you can't even begin to
imagine!

Happi: ...

[Ranma grabs her school bag.]

Ranma-chan: Let's go, Akane.

Akane: O-okay...

[Ranma-chan and Akane quickly walk out and leave Happi to gather dust on the
floor.]

[Scene cuts to Furinkan High. Ranma-chan and Akane walk through the gate and
are intercepted by the everpresent Upperclassman Kunou.]

Kunou: What joy it brings me to see both my loves together!

Ranma-chan: Oh. Kunou.

Akane: What do you want, Sempai?

Kunou: I want to date with you both! (tries to hug them)

Ranma-chan: Buzz off, Sempai! (kicks him)

Akane: (punches him) Are you serious? You want to date us both?

Kunou: I cannot choose between you! You are both too lovely for me to decide!
Yet I could not bare to deprive either of you!

[At this point Happi arrives. He is waving a bra. He lands on Kunou's head.]

Happi: Ranma! Wear this bra for me!

Ranma-chan: Ack! Get lost, you lech!

Kunou: Get off me! (shakes Happi off)

Happi: Wear this bra or they'll sag!

Ranma-chan: Go away, freak!

Kunou: Egad! A bra waving, perverted pensioner! (to Ranma-chan) Never fear, my
love! I shall protect you! (to Happi) Now, small and wrinkled lecher!
It is time for you to face justice!

Ranma-chan: (to Akane) Funny coming from him!

Akane: Shh...

[Happi stares at Kunou for a moment. Kunou lunges and Happi easily evades it.
Ranma-chan and Akane take their opportunity and flee.]

[Scene cuts to shortly after. Kunou is layed out on the ground, unconscious,
again.]

Happi: (looks around) Now... Where is my beloved Ranma-chan? She must be
hiding! But I'll find you! You have a date with this bra! Oh, yes, you
do!

[Scene cuts to classroom 1-F. Ranma-chan sneezes and then shivvers.]

Ranma-chan: Urrrr...

Akane: What's up?

Ranma-chan: Don't know... Just a sudden chill...

[Scene cuts to later. Ranma and Akane are trying for follow a suitably boring
lecture. Suddenly Happi bursts in.]

Happi: Ranma! At last I've found you! Hurry up and put this bra on!

[The entire class looks at Ranma.]

Ranma-chan: Don't look at me! It's not my fault!

Happi: Please put this on. I'll leave you alone if you do!

Boys in Class: Yeah...Ranma...Put it on...Good idea...Yeah go on... You may
as well...

Ranma-chan: Perverts! Get out of it!

[Happi hops over and waves the bra at her.]

Happi: What's the big deal? It's just a bra!

[The boys all crowd around.]

Boys: Go on, Ranma... Just for a joke... Yeah do it... Go on! I dare ya!

Ranma-chan: Argh! What is this?! (gets an idea) RAPE!

Boys: Huh?!

Ranma-chan: RAPE!

[Kunou bursts in.]

Kunou: I will save you, my osage no onna!

Ranma-chan: Great... Kunou... Guess this wasn't such a good idea...

Akane: (flatly) Not one of your better ones.

[Kunou goes nuts and attacks everyone. He finally reaches Happi and is decked
again. Happi takes advantage of the chaos and glomps several girl. They bap
him off and he heads for Ranma-chan. Ranma sees him coming and redirects his
course of flight so that he sails gracefully out the window. In the carnage,
Kunou trips and headbutts the fire alarm. The bell rings and everyone starts
pouring out of the building.]

Ranma-chan: I am getting really sick of him!

Akane: Me, too!

Sensei: Saotome! You had better have a good explanation for this!

Ranma-chan: Ack!

Akane: Now you've done it!

Ranma-chan: Why is it my fault?!

Akane: Because you had to bait him!

Ranma-chan: ME?!

Akane: Oh, look... Just shut up and let's get out of here...

Ranma-chan: But...

Akane: Come on!

[Ranma and Akane go outside, just as the fire brigade arrive. They manage to
avoid the sensei and escape.]

Ranma-chan: That was a nice mess...

Akane: You have to admit...things are never boring...

Ranma-chan: Not with that sicko senior citizen on the lose, they're not!

Akane: How does he manage to cause so much trouble?

Ranma-chan: I don't know... But I do know I've had enough of this!

Akane: So what are you going to do?

Ranma-chan: First thing is to go and change back!

Akane: We're near Dr. Toufuu's clinic. We could get some hot water from him.

Ranma-chan: Okay.

[Scene cuts to Dr. Toufuu's Clinic. Ranma and Akane are walking in the door.
Dr. Toufuu looks up from his desk.]

Toufuu: What can I do for you two today? Repairs or hot water?

Ranma-chan: Just some hot water. please.

Toufuu: Just a minute...

[Dr. Toufuu gets up and walks out. He comes back a moment later. He notices
their glum expressions.]

Toufuu: Problem?

Ranma-chan: Yes. (at same time) Akane: No.

Toufuu: Which is it, yes or no?

Ranma-chan: It's definitly yes.

Akane: I guess so...

Toufuu: So what is it?

Ranma-chan: Happousai.

Toufuu: Oh. Is he back?

Akane: Yes, unfortunatly.

Toufuu: Don't be too hard on him. He's just an old man trying to enjoy his
last years... It just so happens that his retirement activites aren't
very socially approriate.

Akane: He's a lecherous old pervert!

Toufuu: Yes, he is. I suppose a little hypnosis could work...maybe...

Ranma-chan: Nah, he'd be able to resist that!

Toufuu: Has he always been like this?

Ranma-chan: For as long as anyone can remember, yes.

Toufuu: It must very deeply ingrained into his psyche... It might send him
mad if we tried to interfere...

Akane: And he's not mad now?!

Toufuu: He's not mad... Just fixated...

Akane: Is there any way we can get rid of him?

Toufuu: Well... I suppose you could shove him through a Weed Eater and
sprinkle him on your garden... But that's a little extreme.

Akane: So there's nothing you can do?

Toufuu: Not really. My hypocratic oath as a doctor prevents me from
interfering against the patients will.

Ranma-chan: Pity... You might be able to get him to go away.

Akane: I guess we'll have to think of something else...

[Scene cuts to later. Ranma and Akane are walking home from Dr. Toufuu's.
Ranma is now male.]

Ranma: That didn't help much. Even Dr. Toufuu can't do anything!

Akane: Maybe we could just distract him for a while...

Ranma: No. We have get rid of him permanently.

Akane: I don't think we can.

Ranma: Well, I think we should go with a tried and true method. Tie him up
and put somewhere where he can't get out.

Akane: Our fathers got him drunk last time. I don't think he'll fall for that
twice...

Ranma: We need something strong and easy to use...

Akane: What about concrete?

Ranma: Huh?

Akane: Get some quick dry cement and throw it on him.

Ranma: Then what?

Akane: (shrugs) Put him back in the cave, I guess...

Ranma: It's worth a try...

Akane: Let's get everyone that he's annoyed to help us!

Ranma: We don't need the entire town!

[Scene cuts back to the dojo. Ranma is looking for cement and Akane is
calling various useful people with grudges against Happousai. Shortly after,
they all arrive. Ukyou, Shampoo, Mousse, Kunou and Kodachi all show up. They
are clearly eager to get their own back. By some obscure chance, Ryouga
stumbles in at the right moment.]

Ranma: I never thought I'd say it... But I'm glad to see you, Ryouga.

Ryouga: You are?! (suspicious) Why?

Ranma: We're gonna get Happousai. Wanna help?

Ryouga: Well....

Ranma: He stole Akane's underware.

Ryouga: I will crush him!

Ranma: Thought you'd say that.

Kodachi: (gloms onto Ranma) What about me, Ranma-sama? Are you glad to see me?

Ranma: No. Get off!

Kodachi: Ohoho! I do so love a man who plays hard to get!

Ranma: Geez...

Akane: Okay. Let's get organised.

[Everyone sits around the table and looks at a crude map that Akane has
drawn.]

Akane: What we need to do is lure Happousai to a location where he can't
escape or is distracted. Here would seem to be the easiest place to
deal with him. What you have to do is herd him towards me and Ranma.
We'll do the rest...

Kunou: What can Ranma do that the mighty Tatewaki Kunou cannot?!

Ranma: Throw wet concrete.

Kunou: What?! I-

Kodachi: Leave it to Ranma-sama, dear brother... There is no need to
overexert yourself.

Shampoo: How we get him here?

Akane: If you chase him along Orange Road you can force him to come in the
back gate and we can cover him in the cement.

Ukyou: (smiling) So it's a case of paving our way to victory?

Akane: (flatly) Haha. Yes. I guess it is. Does everyone know what to do?

Mousse: I see one small problem...

Akane: What?

Mousse: We don't know where he is.

Ranma: Yes, we do. He's been creating havoc in the shopping centre. If you go
there, he'll probably be raiding the lingerie shop.

Mousse: Oh, okay.

[The rest of the group walks out, leaving Ranma and Akane behind.]

Akane: I hope this works...

Ranma: Me, too. We're in trouble if it doesn't!

[Ranma and Akane walk outside. Ranma is standing facing the gates. He douses
himself with water. Akane goes and hides next to the dojo. She is holding a
bag of cement and a bucket of water.]

[Scene cuts to the Nerima shopping centre. There are screams and shouts from
various women as Happi merrily wanders about, feeling and fondling. Shampoo
and Mousse arrive.]

Mousse: Now all we have to do is find that little pervert...

Shampoo: Shampoo want to smash little pervert. He have lot to answer for!

Mousse: We will get him...

[Happi bounds out of the crowd and sees Shampoo.]

Happi: A beautiful girl come to greet me! How nice!

[Happi leaps towards Shampoo's breasts. She is ready for him and belts him
with her bonbori. He sails into a utility pole and slides to the ground. He
staggers to his feet.]

Happi: Why did she- YEOW!

[He is cut off as Mousse unleashes a volley of blades.]

Mousse: Die, lecherous one!

[Happi turns and runs off down Orange road, hotly persued by Shampoo and
Mousse. He runs into a lane and is met by Ryouga.]

Ryouga: You have molested Akane-san. You must die. SHISHIHOUKOUDAN!

[Happi dives out of the lane as Ryouga's chi blast flies towards him. He runs
off down Orange road as Ryouga joins Shampoo and Mousse in the chase.]

Happi: What did I do to get everyone so upset? Isn't an old man entitled to
a little fun?

[A little further on, Happi tries to turn off again but is met by Kodachi and
Tatewaki Kunou.]

Happi: Ack!

Kodachi: Here he is!

Kunou: He will face the wrath of the Blue Thunder! (lightening)

[Happi decides to avoid them and turns back to Orange road. He is now being
persued by all of them and he is looking a little worried.]

Happi: This must be some kind of plot to get me!

[Happi runs further and sees something in the road ahead. He slows as it comes
into view. It is Ukyou. She is brandishing her spatula and wearing a hockey
mask. She smiles evilly and pulls the mask over her face. The mask reads:
Okonomiyaki Death, in kanji.]

Happi: What is...

Ukyou: This is for Ran-chan!

[Happi tries to jump around Ukyou, but she hammers him with the spatula,
sending him through the gate and into the Tendou's garden. Ranma-chan is
waiting for him.]

Ranma-chan: It's about time you got here!

Happi: What is all this?

Ranma-chan: We're all sick of your perving, stealing, lying, thieving and
general lechery. It's time for you to take a vacation...

Happi: (evil glint in eyes) Really?

Ranma-chan: Really.

[Happi looks around and sees that all of the others are sitting on the wall,
glaring at him. He fails to see Akane, who is furiously mixing cement.]

Happi: So you're all going to pick on an old man?

Ranma-chan: No. Just me.

Happi: You?! Hah!

Ranma-chan: Since you're going, I thought I'd kick you around a bit first...
(smiles) For old times sake...

Happi: You dare...

Ranma-chan: Come on, pervert. Let's see what you've got... If you're not too
decrepit!

Happi: I'll show you!

[Happi attacks Ranma-chan, who dodges and then kicks him in to the wall. Happi
rebounds and knocks Ranma into a tree. Ranma-chan steps foward and throws a
fireball.]

Ranma-chan: MOUKO TAKABISHA!

Happi: YEOW! (dodges)

Ranma-chan: I thought you were the great master!

Happi: You still have much to learn... HAPPO-DAI-

[Just as Happi jumps at Ranma, Akane throws the quick dry cement on him. It
lives up to it's name and dries quick. Happi is stuck as a frozen statue. He
falls to the ground like a brick.]

Ranma-chan: (tapping concrete) What will we do with him now?

Akane: He'd make a good roof ornament...

Ranma-chan: Okay. Let's put him up as a warning to other perverts.

[Ranma-chan picks Happi up and jumps onto the roof of the dojo. She removes
the dragon that is currently there, and puts Happi in it's place. She then
jumps back down.]

Ranma-chan: That'll keep the demons away!

Akane: Not to mention most people.

[Ranma and Akane thank the other for their help. They all walk out, satisfied
that the evil has been stopped.]

Ranma: (to Akane) I wonder how long he will stay there...

Akane: Forever...hopefully...

[Ranma and Akane smile and look up at a job well done. They turn and walk into
the house.]

Ranma: You know... We actually work well together...

Akane: No, we don't!

Ranma: Yes, we do!

Akane: No, we don't!

Ranma: Yes, we do!

Akane: No, we don't! (smiles) Well... Maybe...

==============================================================================
Close Encounters of the Hentai Kind - Epilogue -
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

[Scene cuts to the roof of the Tendou Dojo. It is night. A strange sound can
be heard through the wind and the rain. It sound like someone cursing loudly.
Those within ignore the sound and continue to sleep peacefully. Ranma turns
over and begins to snore. Akane stirs a little and then smiles and settles
again. Genma makes panda sleeping noises and Souun sniffles in his sleep.]

[Scene cuts to a close up of the still concreted Happousai. He is glaring
into space.]

Happi: (through clenched teeth) You wait, Ranma! I'll get you yet! It's not
over! I'll be back! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'LL BE BACK! DO YOU HEAR ME?!

==============================================================================
- Fin -
plu...@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au