[XOVER] [Fanfic] SILLY MOON: Shinto and the Brain (1)

[David G. Homerick]

SILLY MOON:
SHINTO AND THE BRAIN
An unauthorised parody.

Original "Sailor Moon" characters created by Noriko Takeuchi.
"Pinky" and "Brain" are property of Warner Bros. Inc.

PART 1

FADE IN

MUSIC UP -- A few bars of the SILLY MOON THEME ("Three Little Maids From
School" By Sir Arthur Sullivan).

HIGH ANGLE of a Tokyo street. The camera is looking down the street past
a large number of signs. Most of them are in Japanese, but one also has
English lettering. It says DEAN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM. The camera slowly
pushes in on this sign. CUT to:

Interior of the ice cream parlor. MUSIC OUT. A bell rings as BUNNY and
RAVEN enter. Bunny is about fourteen, with knee-length blonde hair tied
in two ponytails and an air of perpetual incomprehension. She runs up to
the counter and peers at the ice cr eam inside. Raven is taller and
slightly older, with jet black hair hanging to her waist and an air of
perpetual PMS. JERRY is also here, mopping the floor. He is about
fifteen, and greatly resembles Jerry Lewis. There are no other customers.

RAVEN
Hey, Jerry. How's Dean?

Jerry stops mopping.

JERRY
Oh, hi, Miss Raven!

He waves at her, despite the fact that she's less than a yard away. She
rolls her eyes and heads toward a booth. CUT to:

MEDIUM SHOT of Bunny from inside the glass counter. She is peering at the
ice cream in the foreground. Raven and Jerry are in the background.
Bunny has her forefinger in her mouth.

BUNNY(removing the finger)
I want Chocolate and Strawberry in a bowl!

RAVEN
You don't want a cone?

BUNNY
No, I want a bowl! And a fork!

JERRY
I'll get your ice cream, Miss Bunny!

RAVEN
A fork?

CUT to a TWO-SHOT of Bunny and Raven sitting at the booth. Bunny has a
bowl of ice cream and is energetically crushing it with a fork.

BUNNY
I like to moosh it all up and eat it as it melts!

Raven watches with a mixture of fascination and revulsion. Bunny beams up
at her.
RAVEN
Just don't stab yourself with your fork again.

She looks away.

BUNNY
My mommy always says life is like a bowl of
ice cream.

Raven waits for her to finish, but Bunny merely resumes her crushing.

RAVEN
Well?

BUNNY
Well, it is.

Raven takes a deep breath.

RAVEN
Why is life like a smooshed-up bowl of
strawberry and chocolate ice....

Bunny interrupts her, giggling.

BUNNY
Not a smooshed up bowl of strawberry and
chocolate ice cream, you silly!

RAVEN
No?

BUNNY
No! Any old ice cream!

RAVEN
I see.

BUNNY
You're so silly!

Raven grinds her teeth.

RAVEN
Silly. I'm silly. Ha, ha. Silly Mars wants
to know WHY life is like ice cream, or Silly
Mars will lose her temper and SHAKE Silly
Moon until her BRAIN rattles like a pea in a
BOXCAR!

Bunny shrinks away.

BUNNY
Don't hurt me!

Raven visibly struggles with her temper, then slumps back into the booth.
She takes a deep breath, then releases it.

RAVEN
I might confuse you with a Zen master if I didn't
know you were an imbecile.

Bunny picks up her bowl and drinks from it with a slurp.

RAVEN
DON'T DO THAT!!!

CUT to the entrance to the shop. The bell rings again as an unconvincing
artificial man lurches through the door waving a very convincing handgun.
His mouth is a grille and his joints are clearly hinged. He appears to be
made of cheap plastic. The gun is large, black, and well-maintained.

WIDE SHOT of the shop. The robot ROBBER points the gun at Jerry, then at
Raven and Bunny, then back at Jerry.

ROBBER
Okay, this is a robbery! Narf! Any one of
you moves gets drilled!

CUT to Jerry, cowering behind the counter.

JERRY
Oh, please no, Mister Bad Man! Not with
the guns and the shooting and the breaking
things!

CUT to the robber.

ROBBER [in a different, lower voice]
I want five gallons of your pecan praline ice
cream, young man.

CUT back to Raven and Bunny

RAVEN
Pecan praline...?

BUNNY
He's a bad man!

RAVEN
Nobody likes pecan praline.

BUNNY
Only a bad man would steal ice cream!

She pulls a small, plastic wand out of her purse.

RAVEN
Why would anyone steal...

She notices what Bunny is doing.

RAVEN (cont.)
HEY! WATCH IT!

Bunny leaps up onto the seat of the booth, swinging her wand in a wide
circle and narrowly missing Raven, who dodges out of the way.

BUNNY
STOCK MOON TRANSFORMATION FOOTAGE!

RAVEN
Aw, nuts.

FILE FOOTAGE: MUSIC UP. The background behind Bunny disappears and is
replaced by an abstract background. Her clothes also disappear and she
spins around nude. What looks like a sailor-themed figure-skating outfit
appears, followed by gloves, boots, and junk jewelry. The entire process
takes about 45 seconds.

CUT to the ice cream shop -- MS of Raven and Bunny. MUSIC OUT. Bunny, now
Silly Moon, is standing on the seat of the booth.

BUNNY
I'm Silly Moon! People call me --

She leaps over the table.

BUNNY (cont.)
SILLY MOON!

She lands on the far side of the table, which upends, flipping the ice
cream bowl into the air. Bunny slides spread-legged down the table and
lands on her butt. Raven peers around the side of the table. Bunny looks
back at her. INSERT of the ice cream bowl flipping through the air.

Bunny giggles.

BUNNY
I falled down.

RAVEN
Stupid is as stupid does.

The ice cream bowl lands between Bunny's legs and shatters. Her eyes grow
much larger as she stares at it.

BUNNY
MY ICE CREAM!!!

Raven winces and clamps her hands over her ears. Bunny goes off like a
steam whistle.

BUNNY
WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

CLOSE-UP of the glass counter. It shatters.

CU of the light fixtures. They shatter.

CU of the front windows. They all shatter.

CUT to Jerry, huddled on the floor with glass raining down on him.

JERRY
...the screaming and the crying and the
glass breaking and...

CUT to a CLOSE-UP of Bunny and Raven. Bunny is wailing and Raven is
yelling into her ear.

RAVEN
...MORE ICE CREAM! JERRY'LL GET YOU
SOME MORE ICE CREAM IF YOU'LL JUST
STOP CRYING! IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT! I
PROMISE!

Bunny trails off into a series of sobs. She looks at Raven.

BUNNY
Really?

RAVEN
Really.

BUNNY
Okay.

JERRY (OS)
Miss Raven?

Raven looks away from Bunny.

RAVEN
Yeah?

CUT to Jerry.

JERRY
There's glass in all the ice cream.

CUT to Raven and Bunny.

RAVEN
Um.

She turns back to Bunny, but Bunny seem to have forgotten about crying.

BUNNY
Where did the bad man go?

RAVEN
It took the ice cream and left while you
were...

She twirls her finger in the air.

BUNNY
I wonder what he's going to do with
the ice cream.

RAVEN
Well....

WIDE SHOT of Bunny and Raven. Raven is kneeling next to Bunny. She turns
and sits with her back to the upended table. Glass is everywhere. The
camera begins to PULL slowly out.

RAVEN
I've been wondering about that myself.
No doubt it's part of some elaborate plan
to take over the world.

CUT to:

ESTABLISHING SHOT of ACME LABS at night. MUSIC UP -- The PINKY AND THE
BRAIN THEME. The camera moves towards a sign with large Japanese
lettering. Underneath, in English, is written ACME LABS JAPAN. CUT to:

Interior of the lab. The camera pans past an unlikely assortment of tubes
and wiring with a large ring in the middle and past the robot robber
carrying a large jug of ice cream before settling on two white lab mice,
PINKY and BRAIN. Brain is shorter than Pinky, with an enlarged cranium.
Pinky is taller, and looks distinctly goofy. Brain is working a
complicated control system, while Pinky watches. MUSIC OUT. TWO-SHOT of
Pinky and Brain. Their voices are, respectively, the higher and the lower
voices of the robot robber.

PINKY
Zort! That was fun, Brain. When do we
eat?

BRAIN
We're not going to eat the ice cream,
Pinky.

PINKY
We're not?

Brian twists a control. CUT to the robot robber dumping the ice cream
into a large funnel.

BRAIN (OS)
No. Dean and Jerry's Pecan Praline Ice
Cream is the only natural source of
Dextromenthopraline, an essential chemical
for...

CUT to CU of Brain, LOW-ANGLE. He rubs his hands together, gloating.

BRAIN (cont.)
...the operation of my time machine!

CUT to Pinky.

PINKY
Zounds! a time machine! Uh, where we
goin', Brain?

CUT back to Brain. He scowls.

BRAIN
It has occurred to me, Pinky, that
whenever I explain my plans to you in
detail, they invariably fail.

LONG SHOT of Pinky and Brain, from the rear. In the background is a small
platform with a circular arch. Brain begins walking towards it. Pinky
watches him go, looking hurt.

PINKY
Well... I don't... I don't MEAN to, you
know, do anything....

Brain reaches the platform, stands on it, then turns.

PINKY
Wait for me, Brain!

He runs down and joins Brain on the platform. Brain produces a remote
control and presses a button.

PINKY
Say Brain, did you know life is like
a bowl of ice cream?

They stand there for a long moment, then Brain looks up at Pinky.

BRAIN
Why is that, Pinky?

The arch above them crackles with energy. Pinky and Brain glow brightly,
then vanish. CUT to:

TRAVELING SHOT of five girls walking towards the camera on a Tokyo street.
The setting sun is behind them and their shadows stretch out towards us.
>From left to right, they are MINNIE, Bunny, MAMIE, MACKIE, and Raven.
Minnie has long blonde hair, worn loose like Raven's, and is Raven's
height. Mamie has short bluish hair and is slightly shorter than Bunny,
and Mackie has red-brown hair in a short ponytail. She is half a head
taller than the other girls. All are around fourteen, except possibly
Mackie.

Bunny has her finger in her mouth. Raven suddenly bobs forward and peers
at her.

RAVEN
Is your finger in your mouth again?

Bunny yanks out her finger and hides it behind her.

BUNNY (abashed)
No, Raven.

RAVEN
If you absolutely must suck on that thing,
at least do it in private. Nobody can stand
to look at you when you do that.

BUNNY (sullenly)
Mikey thinks it's cute.

RAVEN
Of course Mikey likes it; Mikey's a damn
pedophile. He likes you because you're
fourteen on the outside and six on the
inside. He'd probably think it was cute
if you spat up.

MINNIE
All right, Raven, just stop it, okay? This
was supposed to be Mackie's big day; why
do you always have to ruin things for everybody?

RAVEN
Me? _I_ ruin things? Which one of us
randomly selected contestants turns out
to be incapable of using chopsticks?
Behavioral scientists, using standard
conditioning techniques, have successfully
trained _Americans_ to eat with the damn
things and our little rabbit still can't use
them after fourteen years of practice.

MINNIE
Why don't you ask Mackie if you ruined things?

RAVEN
Hey, Mackie, did I ruin your birthday?

MACKIE (reluctantly)
Well, y'know, Rave, y'kinna upsets ever'body
when y'goes off like dat.

Raven looks at her for a long moment, hurt.

RAVEN
All right. I'll be quiet, then. If you don't
want me to talk I... won't talk.

Mackie pats her clumsily on the shoulder.

MINNIE
Well, that's nice to hear. Maybe the
rest of us can enjoy the last ten minutes
of the day.

RAVEN
One last twist of the knife....

Mackie throws up her hands and stops walking. REVERSE ANGLE -- behind
Mackie. She turns in a circle, then drops her arms to her sides. The
others continue ahead.

RAVEN (cont.)
... from Miss Love and Beauty. You stand
there and call _me_ a bitch when--

MINNIE (interrupting)
You pick on Bunny, you snipe at everyone, you
haven't a good thing to say about....

Her voice fades into background babble as they walk on. Bunny looks over
her shoulder, then disengages from the others. She runs back to Mackie
and bows in front of her.

BUNNY
I'm really sorry I ruined your birthday,
Mackie.

Mackie grabs her shoulder and spins her around. She pulls Bunny back
against her chest in a rough hug.

MACKIE
Aaaah, you wasn't so bad. Not like dem
two, anyhow. But mebbe you could kinna
watch it wi'da finger thing. It don't bother
me none, but it alw'ys sets Raven to, well,
ravin', y'know?

Bunny giggles.

BUNNY
Ravin' Raven. Okay, Mackie.

She skips off to join the others. Mackie lopes after her. REVERSE ANGLE.
Raven and Minnie are still at it, flanking Mamie, who has her head cocked
curiously, like a spaniel. Minnie has her arms folded over her chest and
is glaring at Raven, who is holding forth.

RAVEN
...Hot dogs, right? Hamburgers. Ice cream
in a cone. Ice cream on a stick. _Hot dogs_
on a stick. Pizza pie.

MINNIE
Pizza's Italian.

RAVEN
Doesn't matter. It got popular in America.
Fried chicken. What else? That'll do for now.

Bunny arrives.

BUNNY
Raven Raven!

RAVEN
Not now, Bunny. Now, how do you eat these
foods, I ask you? With your hands.

BUNNY
Raven Raven!

Mackie arrives.

RAVEN (cont.)
No knife, no fork, no spoon. Now, if the
Americans inherited these utensils from
Europe, but are now getting rid of them,
what does that say about their....

BUNNY (giggling)
Raven Raven!

RAVEN
WHAT! WHAT! What do you want!

BUNNY (to Mackie)
She doesn't get it.

MACKIE (to Raven)
Y'don't get it.

RAVEN
Don't get what? What's to get? Raven Raven.

BUNNY (giggling hysterically)
Raven Raven!

MACKIE
Raven Raven!

RAVEN
STOP it!

She swats at Bunny, who dances out of reach. Raven glances at Minnie and
Mamie. Minnie has her head down and is laughing helplessly into the palm
of her hand. Mamie, seeing Raven looking at her, imitates Minnie's
position. She peers anxiously at Raven.

BUNNY
Raven Raven!

MACKIE
Raven Raven!

MINNIE
Rave....

She breaks down in giggles. Raven glares at all of them in turn.

RAVEN
I see. You all hate me and want me to
open my belly. Well, it won't work!

BUNNY
No, we love you. Raven Raven!

Still giggling, Bunny darts forward and grabs Raven in a bear hug. Mackie
closes in and grabs her from the other side. Raven struggles, but her
arms are firmly pinioned.

RAVEN
HEY! LET GO OF ME!

LONG SHOT from across the street. Raven breaks into a run, thrashing from
side to side. The three of them stagger down the street. Minnie and
Mamie trail after them.

BUNNY and MACKIE
Raven Raven!

CUT to the front of the temple, fairly close in on the door. Raven enters
frame still gripped by her friends. She stops suddenly.

RAVEN
All right, I give up. Raven Raven. Let
me go, okay? We're at the temple; I
gotta go in.

Mackie releases her, followed by Bunny. Raven straightens her clothing
and makes a show of dusting herself off. Then she places her arms over
her friends' shoulders and steers them towards the temple.

RAVEN
Why doesn't everyone come in for a bit?
I'll make tea if you promise to stop this
"Raven Raven" thing. You'll put me in an
early grave.

Minnie and Mamie enter the scene and follow her.

BUNNY
You still don't get...

Raven tightens her grip.

BUNNY
OWWWwwwwww....

CUT to WIDE SHOT of the temple kitchen. This is an old Buddhist temple
that has been converted into living space. The floor and walls are raw
stone, but the ceiling is acoustic tile. Crumbling patches in the walls
have been replaced by concrete. Light comes from a single naked bulb in
the ceiling. A diminutive refrigerator-freezer and a plastic sink stand
against the wall in the background, and all the girls but Raven are
sitting around an old wooden table. There are only two chairs, so Bunny
is sitting on the table itself while Mackie leans against it. All face
the camera. In the foreground we can see the top of an old electric
range.

Raven enters the frame and places a chipped iron kettle on the range. She
flips on the heat.

RAVEN
Five teas, hold the ceremony.

CUT to another WS of the girls and Raven. Raven is by the stove to the
right and the girls are watching her. There is a plywood cabinet between
the stove and the camera. In the background is a darkened archway.

MINNIE
Is this by way of apology?

CUT to Raven, from the rear. She opens the cabinet and removes an
unopened package of unidentifiable cakes or biscuits.

RAVEN
I suppose so, although it's not aimed
specifically at you, Minnie.

CUT to an OVER-THE-SHOULDER SHOT of Minnie, from behind Mamie. She is
sitting at the table, and Bunny and Mackie are near the edges of the
frame.

MINNIE
Heaven forbid. So this is an act of
diffuse contrition?

Raven leans into frame and places a plate in the center of the table. She
tears open the package and empties it onto the plate.

RAVEN
I think it's aimed at all my friends not
named "Minnie." That, of course, excludes
none of my friends.

CUT to Bunny

BUNNY
Are you fighting again?

CUT back to Minnie

MINNIE
Yes, dear. But very politely.

Raven moves out of frame and Mackie picks up a cake. The other three
follow her lead. CUT to Mackie.

MACKIE
Hey, Rave, What are dese, 'zacly?

CUT to Mamie, sniffing her cake cautiously. CUT to Raven.

RAVEN
They're Not Remotely Chocolate Cupcakes.

CUT to Mackie, examining her cake critically.

MACKIE
Yeah, I kin see dat. But what are dey?

CUT to Bunny, stuffing her entire cake into her mouth. CUT to Mamie,
holding hers to her ear.

RAVEN (OS)
I just told you.

Mamie jerks the cake away from her ear and looks at it, shocked. CUT to
Raven.

RAVEN (cont.)
They're Not Remotely Chocolate cupcakes.
Grandfather buys them.

CUT to Mackie, looking annoyed.

MACKIE
Raven Raven....

Raven steps into frame behind her. The camera pulls back slightly into a
close TWO-SHOT.

RAVEN
No, don't. Here.

She presses the wrapper into Mackie's off hand. Mackie holds it up and
reads from it.

MACKIE
"Not Remotely Choc'late Cupcakes. From
da makers of Milli Vanilli."

CUT to Bunny, miserably chewing a huge lump of whatever. CUT to Minnie,
nibbling demurely.

MINNIE
Well, whatever they are, they certainly
aren't chocolate.

CUT to Mamie. She carefully places her cake back on the plate. CUT to
Raven and Mackie. Mackie takes a bite of her cake.

RAVEN
Well?

MACKIE
Like dental tape.

RAVEN
Grandfather loves them. They remind
him of the War.

GRANDFATHER (OS)
Raven --

CUT to LONG SHOT of RAVEN'S GRANDFATHER, standing in the shadows of the
archway. He is a short, wizened old man with a threatening expression.
MUSIC UP slightly, quietly ominous.

GRANDFATHER
Raven, front and center.

CUT to GRANDFATHER'S POV. MUSIC OUT, leaving dead silence. The girls are
sitting or standing stock-still around the table, staring at him. Then
Raven moves away from the others and walks up to him. Her footsteps echo
loudly in the room. She tucks her hands behind her back and stands
quietly. The scene is frozen for another long moment, then Mamie raises
her hand and waves shyly.

CUT to OVER-THE-SHOULDER shot of Raven's Grandfather. Grandfather takes
out a piece of paper and slowly unfolds it.

GRANDFATHER
I just got this memo from the head office
at the Grand Shrine of Ise. It's a list of
the top ten reasons you are unfit to be a
priestess.

He eyes Raven, but gets no response.

GRANDFATHER
Number ten: You lack respect for the
ancient traditions of the shrine.

RAVEN
Pardon me, Grandfather, but don't you
usually start with number one?

GRANDFATHER
No. Number nine:

CUT to Minnie, Mackie, and Bunny at the table. Raven and her Grandfather
remain in the background. Their voices are only slightly muffled.

MINNIE(whispering to Mackie)
Oh, I know this! This is what that
Letterguy did at the Academy awards!

GRANDFATHER (cont.)
You sell charms and amulets door to door.

MACKIE(to Minnie)
What was wi'dat spinnin' dog, anyway? I
didn' get dat.

RAVEN (to Grandfather)
What's wrong with selling amulets? We
need the money.

MINNIE
It's an ironic metaphor for show business.

BUNNY
What's an ironic meddafor?

MACKIE
Goin' beyon'da calla duty.

BUNNY
Huh?

GRANDFATHER
PIPE DOWN BACK THERE!

Minnie and Mackie rearrange themselves into more respectful postures.
Bunny hides behind Mackie. CUT to Raven and her Grandfather.

GRANDFATHER (to Raven)
What's wrong with it is that it's undignified.
[in a falsetto] "Ding-dong! Shinto calling!"
You're a priestess, not the Avon lady.

CUT to Bunny, peering out from behind Mackie. She giggles.

BUNNY
Ding-dong! Shinto calling!

CUT to an OVER-THE-SHOULDER shot of Grandfather, from behind Raven. Raven
whirls around, scowling, then suddenly smiles tightly.

RAVEN
Do I amuse you, Dear-Bunny-My-Friend?

CUT to Bunny.

BUNNY (happily)
Uh-huh!

CUT back to Raven and Grandfather. Raven scowls.

RAVEN
Shut up!

CUT back to Bunny. She sobers, sticks her finger in her mouth, and
shrinks back behind Mackie. CUT back to Raven and Grandfather. Raven is
still turned away from him.

GRANDFATHER
Number eight:

RAVEN
FINGER!

GRANDFATHER
WHAT!?!

CUT to Minnie.

MINNIE
Don't yell at her! She doesn't know any
better!

CUT back to Raven and Grandfather.

GRANDFATHER
I'll thank you to keep your opinions to
yourself, young lady!

Raven whirls to face him.

RAVEN
She meant me. Yelling at Bunny.

She whirls back.

GRANDFATHER
Number eight:

RAVEN
If she'd listen to me, she'd know better!

REVERSE ANGLE of Raven, over Grandfather's shoulder. He reaches out, grabs
her chin, and pulls it around to face him.

GRANDFATHER
I said, "Number eight." You do not pay
attention when being reprimanded.
Number seven:

RAVEN
You're making these up as you go, aren't
you?

CUT to Mamie. With a start, she produces a calculator and begins pushing
buttons. CUT back to Raven and Grandfather.

GRANDFATHER
Number seven: You interrupt your elders.

RAVEN
You ARE making these up!

REVERSE ANGLE of Grandfather over Raven's shoulder.

GRANDFATHER
Raven, if you say one more word that is
not "yes, sir," "no sir," or "I'm sorry,
sir," you will be confined to your room
until further notice.

CUT to Minnie

MINNIE
You should listen to your Grandfather, Raven.

CUT to Mamie, who is poking buttons with a look of total absorption.

MINNIE (cont. OS)
We've all been very concerned about you.

CUT back to Minnie.

MINNIE (cont.)
You've become unruly and wild. You need
discipline. I think this could be good for
you.

CUT back to Raven and Grandfather. Raven is turned toward Minnie again.

RAVEN (dryly)
Yes, _sir_.

GRANDFATHER
Look at me.

Raven turns back.

GRANDFATHER
Number six: You hang around with a
bunch of losers.
WS of the girls at the table, with Raven and Grandfather in foreground.
The girls start up, except Mamie (and Raven, of course). Bunny is about a
a second-and-a-half behind the other two.

MINNIE
WHAT!?!

GRANDFATHER
Look at them. A moron, a headcase, a
kneecapper, and a whore.

The girls begin shouting, interrupting each other in turn. Mamie climbs
out of her chair and walks toward Raven and Grandfather, seemingly
oblivious to the commotion behind her.

BUNNY
I'm not a moron, I'm a membicile!

MACKIE
An' I ain't no kneecapper!

MINNIE
And I'm certainly not...

CUT to CU of Minnie. She suddenly looks uncertain.

MINNIE (cont.)
ah -- not a... uh... a headcase.

CUT to WS of Mamie, Raven, and Grandfather. Mamie bows and holds the
calculator out to Grandfather. He takes the calculator and looks down at
it. INSERT of the calculator. It says "577345663." Grandfather cracks
Mamie on the head with it. She backs into a corner, clutching her head.
CUT to Minnie, who scowls.

MINNIE
And I don't think you should call poor
Mamie a whore.

CUT back to Raven and Grandfather. Raven turns towards Minnie and smiles.

RAVEN
You should listen to my Grandfather,
Minnie. We've all been very concerned
about you.

GRANDFATHER
You are confined to your room.

Raven spins back to him, open-mouthed.

RAVEN
What! But I wasn't... I....

GRANDFATHER
Number five: You blame the gods for things
that are properly your fault. Number four:
You act like an American.

Raven flinches.

GRANDFATHER (cont.)
Specifically, you act like Rush Limbaugh.
Number three: You poison mice, which are
sacred to Big Ears. Number two:

RAVEN
Wait a minute. Who's Big Ears?

Grandfather slaps her on the face. She gasps, and her eyes tear up.

RAVEN
What was that for?

GRANDFATHER
Don't play stupid.

RAVEN
I'm not playing anything. I've never heard of
Big Ears. Who's Big Ears?

MACKIE (OS)
Uh, Rave?

CUT to Mackie.

MACKIE (cont.)
C'rek me if'm wrong, but ain't Big Ears da
god yer shrine's deddicated to?

CUT back to Raven and Grandfather. Raven has her head turned again.

RAVEN
Consider yourself corrected. Really, Mackie,
don't you think I know my own shrine?

CUT to WS of the four girls. Mackie and Minnie look both worried and
confused. Bunny just looks confused, and Mamie is peering intently at the
ceiling.

MINNIE
No, I'm afraid _you're_ wrong, Raven. Big
Ears is the spirit of the laughter of children,
and your shrine has always been dedicated to
him.

BUNNY
I thought Raven's shrine was dekkidated to Kibo.

CUT back to Raven.

RAVEN
There! There, you see? Bunny remembers! No
Big Ears, right, Bunny?

CUT to Minnie.

MINNIE
I hate to tell you this, Raven, but Bunny isn't
very bright.

CUT to WS. Raven walks up to the others, with her Grandfather trailing
reluctantly behind her.

RAVEN
Thank you for pointing that out. There's
nothing wrong with her memory, though, right?

She takes Bunny by the shoulders.

RAVEN
What did you have for breakfast, Bunny?

BUNNY
I dunno.

Raven closes her eyes.

RAVEN
_Work_ with me here.

MINNIE
It doesn't matter what Bunny remembers.
_I_ remember Big Ears from my childhood.
Tales of him and Noodle Noggin were a great
comfort to me during my time in Bangkok.

BUNNY
What was so bad about Bangkok?

MINNIE
Never you mind. Raven, no one's trying to
pull a trick on you. I don't know why you
don't remember Big Ears, but I wouldn't lie
to you and say I remembered him when I didn't.
And even if I would, Mackie wouldn't.

BUNNY
Oh! I had Cap'n Crunch for breakfast.

RAVEN
Didn't I tell you not to eat that stuff? It'll
make you decadent.

BUNNY
Not if I brush.

A whistling sound begins, quiet, then rising. CUT to the kettle, which is
blowing steam merrily. CUT back to the girls.

RAVEN
The water's hot. I'd better start making
the tea.

GRANDFATHER
No tea tonight. Go to your room, Raven. We'll
discuss your further punishment in the morning.

He removes the kettle from the heat. Raven's shoulders slump in defeat.
She walks disconsolately towards the archway.

RAVEN
I don't understand. I scrub their shrine and
dress up in their robes and they turn around
and rearrange the universe while I'm not
looking. Maybe it's my breath. If I ...

Her voice trails off as she leaves. Grandfather turns to the other girls.

GRANDFATHER
I think it's time you girls went home.

CUT to the temple exterior. It's rather dark now, and a streetlight casts
a puddle on the ground. Minnie, Mackie, and Bunny are standing around
looking bewildered. Mamie stares up into the streetlight.

MACKIE
Dat jes' ain't like Rave, t'go makin' stuff
up.

MINNIE
I don't understand, either. I don't think she
was lying, but what could make her forget
the tale of Big Ears and Noodle Noggin? It's
one of the most famous stories in Japan.

BUNNY
How does it go?

Mamie claps her hands twice, sharply. Nothing happens, and she looks
disappointed.

MACKIE
Mebbe she's sick. Mebbe she got clobbered
inna head an' forgotta bout it. Happened to
Squeaky Yamaguchi once -- Lard Ass Tanaka
hit 'im so hard he forgot 'oo he was. Started
callin' hisself "Yo-yo-ma" and playin'a violin.

MINNIE
Well, we won't do any good standing around
here. I'll call you tomorrow morning and
we'll talk about it.

She takes Bunny's hand and leaves. Mackie walks off as well. Mamie takes
a measuring tape out of her pocket and checks the distance between her and
the lamppost. She plants her feet firmly and again claps her hands twice,
staring up into the light. Mackie reenters and drags her away.

The streetlight shuts off.

DISSOLVE to Raven's bedroom. This is a bare, monastic cell with a
sleeping mat spread across the floor, nearly filling the room. A desk
stands along one wall and there is a chest in the corner. The only light
comes from a gooseneck lamp on the desk. HIGH-ANGLE of Raven sitting on
the mat with her eyes closed.

Raven opens her eyes. She sits for a moment, then crawls over to the
chest. CUT to the chest as she opens it. It contains several articles of
clothing, folded neatly, school supplies, and a few hardbound books.
Raven takes a thick one and holds it up. We can see the title, but it's
in Japanese.

RAVEN (murmuring)
"Tales from the Shrine: The Complete Book
of Shinto Stories for Young Ladies."

CUT to HIGH-ANGLE. Raven crawls back to the middle of the sleeping mat,
cracks the book, and begins flipping pages. PUSH in slowly on the book.

Raven gives a gasp of surprise.

RAVEN
"The Tale of Big Ears." This wasn't here
before!

CUT to a CLOSE-UP of an illustration in the book. It's a beautifully done
watercolor of a lush garden, with two people in rich kimonos standing in
it. One is a middle-aged man, while another is a young girl.

RAVEN (OS, reading)
"Emperor Hashimoto had a sorrow. It was
not caused by the death of his wife, for he
was over that. It was not caused by fire
or flood, for the realm was peaceful and
calm. It was not even caused by foreign
devils dropping nuclear bombs on innocent
civilians, for that was a sorrow Japan had
yet to experience."

She flips the page. The next leaf shows the young girl's face. She looks
about thirteen, and vaguely tragic.

RAVEN (OS)
I'd forgotten how political this book was.
"No, the emperor's sorrow was that his
daughter, Sunlight's-kiss, had never laughed
or smiled in her young life."

CUT to CLOSE-UP of Raven, as she looks up from the book.

RAVEN
As I recall, Sunlight's-kiss was promised
to Lord Sakamoto, referred to behind his
back as "Lord Stinky-cheese." I wouldn't
smile either.

CUT back to the book. Raven flips the page. This picture shows
Sunlight's-kiss surrounded by bearded old scholars.

RAVEN (OS)
"To cheer up his daughter, The Emperor
sent for wise men to expound on matters
of deep worth and meaningfulness. They
told her that all things were one thing, and
that that one thing was really nothing, and
since nothing was real, her troubles were
unreal as well so she might as well smile
and stop bringing everybody down. Yet
Sunlight's-kiss remained grave."

She flips the page again. The next page shows stylized but recognizable
images of Pinky and Brain standing under a bush.

RAVEN (OS)
"Then Sunlight's-kiss saw two small
figures approaching, and she politely asked
them their names. 'I am Big Ears,' said one."

Raven turns another page. The next picture is of Brain, standing proudly,
one finger raised in a declamatory pose.

RAVEN (OS)
"'And I am the Iconoclast,' said the other,
'god of independent thought and radical
individualism. I walk my own way,
unencumbered by the dark trappings of the
distant past. Freedom blooms in my
footsteps like flowers after a spring rain.
Follow me, and we shall think new thoughts
together. We shall be free.'"

CUT back to Raven, looking down at the book.

RAVEN
"'Bugger that,' said the Emperor."

She looks up, frowning.

RAVEN
Who _writes_ this stuff?

CUT back to the book. Raven flips the pages four or five times quickly.
The picture of Brain flickers briefly into animated life, slumping
dejectedly.

CUT back to Raven, still flipping pages. Apparently arriving at
something, she stops and resumes reading.

RAVEN
"And Big Ears stood on the knee of Sunlight's-kiss
and waggled his ears. And Sunlight's-kiss
smiled, then giggled, then laughed out loud.
And then the Emperor, in his joy, declared
festival through all of Japan. And people
through all the land of Japan danced and made
merry, on pain of death."

Raven slams the book closed and scowls.

RAVEN
I may not know what's going on, but I will
not have rodents infesting my religion. I
don't care how many people say they remember
this Big Ears, I know he didn't exist yesterday,
and I swear I'll do my damndest to make sure
he doesn't exist tomorrow.

CUT back to HIGH-ANGLE shot. Raven sighs and rubs her temples.

RAVEN
Just give me a minute. I'll think of something.

FADE OUT.

END OF PART 1

*****
GLOSSARY

CLOSE-UP (CU): A shot with the camera close to the subject. For a
person, this usually means the head and shoulders are shown.
CUT: The picture shifts from one shot to the next without any transition.
DISSOLVE: A transition beween shots in which there is a short period of
double exposure.
ESTABLISHING SHOT: A short shot intended to show where the rest of the
scene takes place.
FADE IN: A dissolve from a black screen. Opposite of FADE OUT.
FADE OUT: A dissolve to a black screen.
FILE FOOTAGE: Material recycled from elsewhere, not shot for the
production.
HIGH-ANGLE SHOT: A shot with the camera pointed down at the subject from
above. Opposite of LOW-ANGLE SHOT.
INSERT: A short bit of footage inserted into an otherwise uncut scene.
LONG SHOT (LS): A shot with the camera a considerable distance from the
subject. For a person, this means the entire body can be seen on screen.
LOW-ANGLE SHOT: A shot with the camera pointed up at the subject from
below.
MEDIUM SHOT (MS): A shot with the camera a short distance from the
subject. For a person, this means the head and upper torso are shown.
MUSIC OUT: The music being played fades away.
MUSIC UP: Music begins to play on the soundtrack.
OS: Short for OFF-SCREEN. Indicates the person speaking is not shown on
camera.
OVER-THE-SHOULDER SHOT: A shot of one person from behind another,
including the back of the head and the shoulder of the person in the
foreground.
POV: Short for "point of view." The camera shows what a character sees.
PULL BACK: The camera moves back, revealing more of the scene. Opposite
of PUSH IN.
PUSH IN: The camera moves closer to one element in the scene.
REVERSE ANGLE: A shot with the same subject as the previous shot, but
from the opposite direction.
TRAVELLING SHOT: A shot in which the subject or subjects are moving, and
the camera moves with them.
TWO-SHOT: A shot of two people, usually either facing each other or the
camera.
WIDE SHOT (WS): The camera takes in the entire scene instead of focusing
on one or two people or things.

NOTE: Raven and her Grandfather live in a _Buddhist_ temple, but tend a
_Shinto_ shrine. Temples in Japan are usually wood, but this one is
stone. Any similarity between the gods portrayed in this story and any
real gods is purely coincidental.

-- David Homerick sac5...@saclink1.csus.edu