[Ranma][FanFic] Ring of Toltiir 5
GreggSharp
RING OF TOLTIIR V: NOT THE BAKA
by Gregg...@aol.com all char (c) someone else
At an okinomiyaki restraunt, lightning flared. The
ground outside Uuchan's was marked by a circular
patch of the lightning which intensified briefly
to an almost solid wall of blue sparks. The
lightning then died abruptly, but the street was
no longer empty.
A woman with long dark hair holstered her
futuristic pistol and smiled. "A world without
Mihoshi," she said with a beatific smile.
A blonde man with a black leather duster
lit a cigarette and adjusted his dark sunglasses.
"You sure about this, ace?"
The third of the four figures didn't
look remotely human. A reddish scaled dragonlike
humanoid with wings folded back who was attempting
to take in his surroundings. "It's magic, and
cursed magic at that. I'm supposed to be 100%
confident? No, this is how the cards SEEM to work."
The fourth was a slightly overweight young
man still wearing El-Hazard clothing. "I think this
is the world Zen came to. Until we resolve SOMETHING
in this world, we can't go on to the next one."
"Beer!" The man in sunglasses moved to a
vending machine. "Do you realize how long it has
been since I've had a beer?"
"Saving the world can wait I guess," the
fourth man agreed. "Besides, maybe we can figure
out what's going on BEFORE we're in the middle of
the mess."
----------------^_^-------------------
Akane-kun grinned an evil lecherous grin and gave chase.
Shampoo (in her newly acquired cat-girl cursed form),
Ukyou (in her cursed Akane form), Nabiki (with a blood
alcohol level far above legally drunk- her own Juusenkyo
curse) were all running. Kasumi had started out as prey,
but had become predator as her _own_ Juusenkyo curse
unlocked a little door in her mind and let a Beast out.
Finally Akane, in her cursed male form, lumbering along
and making various tasteless comments.
At the head of this procession, screaming
in abject terror, was Ranma in his cursed female form.
Cologne merely watched from the sidelines, and
started debating whether or not to intervene in this
madness.
Finally, after the third pass, her staff flicked
out twice. Kasumi and Akane hit the floor as inertia
exerted its force on paralyzed bodies.
A few minutes later everyone was back in the
room and hot water was being passed out.
"Son-in-law, daughters-in-law, I need to
explain a few things to you about those Cursed Rings
you all now wear." Cologne sent a smoke ring to the
ceiling. "If pleasure or pain is given to the wearer
of the Husband Ring, then that is shared by the wearer
of the Wife Ring. 'As if one flesh' it is said. Of
course, as further control over impulsive males, the
effect is far greater if the wearer of the Husband
Ring inflicts either upon the wearer of the Wife Ring."
There was a flush on several faces as various
ideas suddenly occurred involving pleasure.
"Get your minds off that!" Cologne paused. "Well
at least for now." Visions of many great-grandchildren
rose unbidden in Cologne's mind. "Definitely think
about that later.
"These rings also serve to convey various of
the ancient cultural attitudes of the Amazons to the
wearers. After all, these are PUNISHMENT items for those
who have failed to live up to our rules. This is why
Ranma (a male) is now afraid of his superiors (his
wives) and why all of you have become more aggressive
especially where Ranma is concerned.
"It is made a little more confusing in that
Ranma is wearing the Wife Ring, and that all of you
have Husband Rings, but this much is certainly
foreseeable."
Ranma glanced over at Akane, who had an icepack
on her head and was looking thoroughly zarked off.
"Oh my son, you are so manly to have so many
wives," said Ranma's mother Nadoka as she exchanged a
glance and a nod with Cologne. Both thought of the mass
of grandchildren that this should produce and were
already planning how to split the group- some to grow
up as proper amazons, and some as proper Japanese.
Probably let the girl children be raised as amazons
while the boys were raised in Japan, both realized
that they had an ally in the other if an arrangement
could be reached.
Ranma watched Nadoka Saotome's quiet little
smile and Cologne's smirk and was feeling quite
creeped out.
"To honor and obey," said Nabiki with her own
cattish smirk on her face. "Hmmm. So we can do anything
we want with Ranma-kun and he can't help himself..."
"He can't lie to us or abandon us..." Ukyou
said thoughtfully.
"Ranma must perform husbandly duties," nodded
Shampoo. "Life good. Shampoo knew sooner or later,
somebody give Shampoo break and Shampoo then have
husband."
"So Ranma, why don't you tell me something
I've been wondering about for a long time," Akane
said, smiling sweetly as she edged near a thoroughly
weirded out Ranma. "Since you MUST tell the truth..."
Ranma sweated. He knew he was going to be
asked something embarrassing like who did he love
the best or did he truly love her or did he really
think she was uncute. Unfortunately his mother was
watching now and fleeing the country would not be
considered very manly.
"Uhm, yeah, Akane, maybe I should go check
the stove, ah heh."
"Why are you so jealous over P-chan?"
Ranma began to sweat, there was a compulsion
to speak, to tell all, that she _was_ his wife and
under the laws of the Amazons he couldn't avoid
telling her.
"Damn, Ranchan, that looks painful."
"Ranma you no look so good."
"Urk. P-p-p-"
Akane smiled, a cruel little smile.
"P-chan is..."
"Just say it, Ranchan. It can't be that bad."
"It not. Ranma no say, Shampoo know."
"He could tell you but he couldn't tell me?"
"Pervert-girl shut mouth and listen to
Shampoo. If Pervert-girl not stubborn low-grade moron,
Pervert-girl would have figured it out by now."
Ranma blinked. Shampoo knew?
Akane snarled and started to emit the familiar
blue glow.
"P-chan is Ryouga, fall in Juusenkyo when
pursue Husband to China, stupid P-chan stand next to
cliff over Juusenkyo, get knocked down as Husband run
by. Fall in cursed spring, turn into piglet, come back
to barbaric island of arrogant people, get Ranma to
promise not to reveal secret, then P-chan start sleeping
with Akane. Ranma try to hint, so Violent-pervert-girl
start beating on him. Shampoo leave out anything?"
"No, Shampoo, I think you got it."
"UKYOU KNEW TOO?"
"Hmmm," Kasumi looked into her tea. "Well, now
that everyone knows I don't have to leave him extra
copies of clothes around for when he changes back."
"KASUMI!?!"
"Which means those little perverted things you
were doing with P-chan at night..."
"NABIKI?! DID EVERYONE BUT ME KNOW?" Akane's
skin had turned an interesting shade of scarlet. "Ranma
YOU should have told me at least."
"Well, I uh..."
To everyone's shock, the hammer came out. It
was already well on its way when suddenly a tiny voice
could be heard in Akane's head as reason suddenly caught
up with ingrained habit. Wily Coyote would have been
entirely sympathetic. "What the hell am I doing?!"
"Oh dear!"
<WHAM!>
<WHAM x5>
Ranma got up, looked around, and rubbed where
the latest mallet strike had caught him in the side of
the head. That one had hurt.
He checked and Kasumi was breathing, but was
clearly out cold. She'd slammed forward into the table
and was going to have some swelling where her nose had
impacted the wood.
Nabiki had been in mid-jump, trying to catch
Akane's arm before the blow struck. She was out cold
too, as was apparent when Ranma got around to the other
side of the wall and could check.
Akane was concious, but just staring off into
space, mumbling something about "stop it P-chan that
tickles." Ranma was slightly nauseated as various
possibilities of what she could mean occurred to him.
Ukyou swept past him into the room. Glaring at
Akane, she checked Kasumi and started prying Nabiki out
of the wall.
Shampoo muttering what sounded like a series of
Chinese curses, walked in and used the teapot to change
back. "Shampoo very not happy at you, Pervert-girl.
If laws not keep Amazons from killing each other, then
might give you..."
"It was Ryouga...." Akane muttered, eyes wide.
"Then that time with the peanut butter and the...urk."
Ukyou and Shampoo exchanged a glance. Ukyou
started writing this down, but was stopped by Nabiki.
"5000 yen, and I get you a copy of the videotape
suitable for framing." Nabiki stopped to check her jaw.
It felt like a few teeth were a little loose. "For the
complete series I might consider a special deal."
Akane was still in shock, shaking her head as
things began to click together. The little pig had...
and then..."Ryooooouuuuugggaaaa."
Ranma was very glad he wasn't Ryouga, and was
rather hoping that Akane would remember that fact.
***************
Happosai was pissed. He was angrier at the
moment then the time Ranma had stopped his first panty
raid at Furinkan, more thoroughly zarked off then when
Ranma had deserved his special vengeance.
"Enough!" The little man screamed, using his
demon-dragon chi attack. It was enough to knock the
offending Zen out of the air and into a large black
fullsize sedan.
Yakuza members immediately began pouring out,
looking for something that was still moving to take
their vengeance out on. One flipped the young man off
the hood, then their gazes came down to Happosai.
"Beat it, boys, I ain't in the mood."
Flashing knives and other weapons common to
the "Japanese mafia"- the Yakuza moved towards the
old man who had something to do with the wreck of
their car. Happosai was all too glad to show them
what a rotten day he was having.
****************
Somewhere over Tibet, Kodachi, the Black Duck,
wondered where the heck Japan was. Not realizing her
sense of direction in duck form was nearly as bad as
Ryouga's, she flew on into the mountains.
****************
Nodoka was talking about how manly her son
was to not only have one wife, but apparently able
to satisfy that many women.
Ranma, quite truthfully, denied he'd done any
such thing. He also flinched as he heard something
being smashed in the background.
"Well, we can certainly tell where Akane is,
can't we?"
"Where are they, you thieves?"
Everyone turned to look at the group of young
women standing in the back yard.
Shampoo gave a cheerful shout. "Bui Ling!
Po Em, Chi Ki, Mai Li, Li Na, Sofa, Rin Su! You all
come visit Shampoo!"
"Not quite! We're looking for those men that
came into the village. They managed an escape." Bui
Ling shrugged. "Last minute break before the ceremony."
Shampoo nodded sympathetically. "These things
happen." Her eyes widened slightly as she saw something
behind her Amazon sisters.
Akane charged, seeing these women with drawn
weapons, well he had a lot of anger to work out. The
rain was just another thing that had gone wrong lately
and there was something to be said for a purely
physical resolution. The rain was light, but still
enough to trigger the change so that it was Akane-kun
who reached the amazons just as they turned.
His first blow struck the woman with the chain
weapon and knocked her back into the horse-sword
wielder. The next punch was blocked by the woman with
the staff. Akane-kun started a snap kick, and saw his
punch was blocked again by the staff.
Akane-kun watched the little birdies for a moment,
wondering exactly how he'd gotten dazed.
<GLOMP!>
"Wo da airen! Wo ai ne!"
Akane-kun looked down at the amazon with the
chain weapons and was trying to make the connection,
even as sounds of disgust (from some) and laughter
(from others) could be heard coming from within the
house. "What?"
The woman gently kissed one of Akane-kun's
cheeks. "Aiya."
Certain concepts suddenly clicked together as
the dizziness from that last staff blow wore off.
"Get away from me, you pervert! I'm not like
that! Really! I'm a girl!"
"Ah," Shampoo nodded wisely and winked at
her great-grandmother. "Akane and Rin Su make good
couple, yes."
Ukyou nodded and wiped away imaginary tears.
"Akane, it's perfect. We understand that you have
someone else now, and have to leave our little group.
We can only wish you the most happiness."
"What?!"
"She's still wearing the Wedding Ring," said
Cologne with a tone of great regret. "Unfortunately,
she cannot go and marry Rin Su at this time."
"What do you mean _at this time_!?"
"Don't worry, child, there's a way to divorce
you from Ranma so that you'll be free to marry Rin Su."
"Akane..." Ranma looked on in shock.
"Wow, sis, I had no idea you were this way."
"I AM NOT THIS WAY, NABIKI!"
"My little girl, er, boy is getting married!"
"Oh, hello father."
"WELL, Ranma," Akane glared over at Ranma who
seemed to be paralyzed by what was going on. "Aren't
you going to say SOMETHING!"
Ranma glanced around, looked at how Akane-kun
was being glomped in an identical way to how he himself
had repeatedly been glomped by Shampoo. The temptation
was overwhelming to respond to the situation in
the same way that Akane had always responded to his
situations.
"Fine, be that way, Akane, I hope you and
Rinse are happy together..." Ranma looked away from
Akane, as if he couldn't bear to see her. "I-I-I
understand. Certainly you've always been willing to
tell me how much you've hated me." <sniffle> Ranma
was keeping his face turned because he simply wasn't
a good enough actor to keep the grin off his face.
Keeping the laughter out of his voice sounded like he
was trying to hold back something, tears possibly...
Akane-kun would have done a facefault if Rinse
weren't holding him so tightly. "RANMA!"
"Put the mallet down, Akane!"
"You no want to do that, Hammer girl, I mean
Hammer boy!"
"Sis, you do that again, I _will_ get ticked.
You know what kind of trouble I can stir up if you do
that."
"Oh dear, not again..."
----------------------
<TELEPORT>
A panda crashed into the koi pond, managing
to bounce off a rock before a monstrous bellyflop.
Kasumi, with her usual presence of mind, grabbed the
koi flopping around on the ground and put it back in
the water. At the least it was a welcome diversion
from her sister/brother's new engagement. "Oh my."
Floating overhead, Kitchiri (goddess of
punctuality, Divine Retribution Office trainee)
pointed at the panda. "For crimes you have committed,
I call upon the justice of the heavens upon you,
Genma Saotome."
Nadoka had started forward when she saw her
husband, but stopped on hearing these words. With a
small smile, she sat back to watch this.
A flaring red nimbus appeared around Genma
as Kitchiri pointed some odd crystalline rod at him.
"From now on, every time you tell a lie, you shall
grow fatter. Goodbye for now." <TELEPORT>
"That's it? That's the Divine Retribution?"
Nadoka glared at her husband.
"I've met her before, she's new at this job."
Ranma shrugged. "I guess their training program leaves
a bit to be desired."
Genma-P held up a sign. [It's not my fault.]
<FLUMPH!>
Genma looked like he'd gained another thirty
pounds, all of it fat.
The sign flipped. [It has to be a mistake!]
<FLUMPH!>
Another sign. [I didn't do it.]
<FLUMPH!>
Sign flipped. [Everything I did, it was for
the Boy's sake!]
<FLUMPH!>
"Geez, he's getting pretty disgusting looking."
[Appearances can be deceiving.] A pause, then
the sign flipped when nothing happened. [It's not really
what it looks like.]
<FLUMPH!>
Having gained another 150 pounds, Genma-P was
looking a little overweight, even for a panda.
Nodoka, with a little smile, moved to get some
hot water. Genma was going to have a hard time running
away or lying to her, and she could see having to put
him through a very strict diet to get rid of the extra
weight. This could be interesting, after all.
------------------
Zen noticed the truck just before a laughing
Happosai drove over him in it. He pulled a pack of
cards from a pocket.
"Urk. Broken ribs, crushed spine, can't feel
my legs, don't WANT to do this." He knew damn well
that every draw from the deck was random, even if he
knew this would be a character card. Whatever he drew,
he'd be stuck in that form for awhile. He pulled the
card and looked at the picture with a shocked look that
faded to a resigned disgust. "Zen knew this would
happen sooner or later. Zen thinks this sucks."
The form of Future Trunks blurred and reshaped
and SHRUNK. Now at full health again, Zen looked up.
This could _really_ suck. Hopping away at full speed,
the cabbit raced to where he knew Happosai would be
going.
The one thing that Zen viewed as a good thing
in all this was that if they ran into Kei & Yuri, there
was a chance that he could change his name to Mughi and
not have to worry about whatever collateral damage they
did as Mughi ALWAYS escaped the problems of the Dirty
Pair.
--------------------
"Another beer," Shades made a gesture. "Dozo
biiru kudasai!"
"I didn't know you knew Japanese," managed Dan,
who was wishing he wasn't diabetic because he could damn
well use SOMETHING after the past few weeks.
"Hey, I know the important phrases. Where's the
bathroom? If you don't get outta my face, I'll kill you.
Do you take traveler's checks? My room has a map of Tokyo,
can you come over and show me around? You know, basic
necessities." Shades managed a worldly air as he sipped
on another 'Il Biiru Roso'.
"So what do you think is going on?" Kiyone asked
the dragon.
The dragon, who wasn't drinking because frankly
he flew like the Greatest American Hero without any
alcoholic hindrance, raised his head and favored her
with a glance. "This seems to be the Ranmaverse, so
I'd bet whatever needs resolved is over at the Tendo
Dojo. Uuchan's is closed, so that's probably where SHE
is. Either that or everybody's off to China doing
something with one of Ranma's fiancees, Akane's
kidnappers, or one of the other stock plotlines. Of
course I don't know WHICH Ranmaverse, so I just hope
it's not 'The Bitter End' or (worse) 'Lemonade Punch'."
Kiyone watched the dragon shudder and decided
she did NOT want to ask. "So desu ne."
The dragon uncoiled himself from where he was
sitting, causing the patrons of the bar to scuttle back
again. "Shades, Dan, I'm going to the Tendo-ke. You two
come when you're finished. I figure Zen will show up
there eventually, if he's not there already."
"I'm coming too," Kiyone checked the charge on
her blaster. "After all, people will be more alarmed if
they see you walking through the city like a six-six
Gojira as opposed to being ridden. If they assume a
'human' is controlling you, they'll think of you as just
a big animal."
"Good thought," the dragon seemed to smile with
that strangely flexible face.
"Later, Brad." Shades didn't even look up.
"Call me Carbine." The dragon said over his
shoulder as he followed Kiyone out into the street.
--------------------
"Honestly, Nadoka, I don't know."
<FLUMPH!>
"Uncle Genma, you're getting pretty disgusting."
"Damn pops, you look like Jabba the Hut."
---------------------