[Ranma][Parody] The Butt
Gary Kleppe
FFIRC presents...
THE BUTT
(A parody)
Writers (in alphabetical order): Mike Allen, Ken Arromdee, Jenny Chan,
Donny Cheng, Alan Harnum, Gary Kleppe, Matthew Lewis, Ryoucilo, Myungsu
Suh
This is a parody of "The Bet," by Gregg Sharp. It is being done strictly
for fun, and no offense is intended toward Mr. Sharp or any of the
others who have worked on the series. All characters used herein are the
rightful property of their respective creators.
PART ONE
Somewhere, in a room beyond the limits of time and space, dwelled a
being beyond the limits of taste and sanity. The being sometimes took
the form of a cat with coal-black fur. Other times, it appeared as a
wild-haired young boy. In either case, the being wore an oversize smile;
some would have described it as lascivious, while others would have
merely looked away while clutching their stomachs.
The being laughed. "He he he! My visitor should be here soon!"
As if in response to his statement, a figure materialized in the room. A
hood obscured its face, and bulky robes made it impossible to even tell
what gender the figure was. Not that it mattered; such concerns were for
lower beings.
A raspy voice issued forth from the figure, seeming to resonate at three
or more different pitches at once. "You are he who is titled 'Feline God
of Really Crappy Fanfiction?'"
"That's me!" the cat-being said. "But you can just call me by my given
name. Oscir."
"I have come in response to your summons," the figure continued,
maintaining a businesslike demeanor.
"Ah! Then you must be the goddess Taka--" Oscir found himself
interrupted by a hand placed over his mouth.
"No. She of whom you speak has instructed me to convey a message. She
refuses to be a part of, and I quote, 'whatever ridiculous project' you
are planning. She furthermore says that if you so much as speak Her
name, or even use it in your internal narration, divine retribution will
surely befall you."
"Bummer." The goddess Tak--, or rather, the Goddess Whose Name Oscir Was
Not Allowed to Mention, was reputed to be enormously powerful. There was
no sense in taking chances, especially for a being whose motto was Love
the One You're With. "Never mind. How about you? Come here often? What's
your favorite color?"
"My function is as a god of moderation," the hooded figure answered
dryly. "Though some say that the way in which I carry out my function is
rather extreme."
Oscir scratched his head. "That's, um, interesting." He didn't like
paradoxes; they meant thinking, and that always made his brain hurt.
"Anyway, come here often? Did I use that line already?"
"I can see that you do not understand. I am a god of universal
moderation. My function is to deal with those entities who imperil the
cosmic equilibrium, or who are just too annoying to be allowed to exist.
When I observe such an entity...." The figure froze Oscir with an evil
glare -- a neat trick considering that its face remained completely
hidden. "... my duty is to remove it from the continuum."
Oscir immediately backed away several feet. "Anyway, since you-know-who
isn't here, perhaps you'd like to participate in my little project,
hmmm?"
The figure nodded.
"The idea is to start with a timeline representing a popular,
widely-enjoyed manga series -- and, by making the smallest possible
change in the timeline, transform it into the silliest, most pointless
'alternate universe' imaginable. Something that will be the butt of
everyone's jokes. You know the sort of thing I mean?"
"Yes. I am prepared with such an entry. It's an idea I once mentioned as
a joke. One of our writers has hacked it out into a teaser. Let us
watch."
The figure looked down onto the ground, where a small circular pool of
water lay. For several moments, it stared into the still waters.
"Um... is something supposed to be happening here?"
Oscir reached down onto the floor next to the pool, pulling on a small
silvery handle. A whooshing sound was heard as the waters of the pool
suddenly swirled around and around in violent circles, and a scene began
to form....
***
Soun Tendo stared at the postcard.
Hi. Bringing Ranma from China. -- Saotome
"A- Another alternate universe fic?" Tears formed in his eyes as he read
the words again, the postcard shaking in his grip. "Oh, how I've
w-w-waited for this day!"
***
"Ranma?"
Genma Saotome strolled proudly down Jagaimo street. Passers-by shot
curious looks at him, which he ignored. After all, the life of a martial
artist was not something that could be understood by the layman.
"Ranma! Where are you, son?"
The boy had run away again. He would be found; Genma had no worries
about that. He was simply looking for attention -- hiding because he
wanted his father to come after him. It was a perfectly normal phase for
him to be going through at this time of life, though his impending
engagement to one of the Tendo daughters did make it an inconvenient
time.
Genma cast his gaze at a street vendor. "Ah! There you are, son!" He
spotted Ranma, sitting idly on a vegetable cart. "You can't hang around
here, son. It's time to meet your future wife! I know you're nervous
about the engagement, but we've all got to do our part to uphold family
honor."
The vendor stared at Genma uncomprehendingly. Genma handed the man a few
yen for his troubles as he took hold of Ranma. For some reason, people
always seemed to expect money from him for finding the boy.
"Let's go, son." It was strange, come to think of it. Every time Ranma
was missing, he would always turn up somewhere where they sold
vegetables. But Genma wasn't complaining, since that made it easier to
find the lad.
Yes, the life of a martial artist wasn't easy. The public simply didn't
understand. Even Nodoka hadn't understood, back on that painful day when
father and son had had to say goodbye to mother....
***
"Good wife, bring me our infant son. I must take him along on a rough
and arduous training journey so that he may be molded and shaped into
the greatest martial artist of his time."
"Dear...." Nodoka gazed up through teary eyes. "I'm afraid that that
won't be possible. I'm afraid Ranma is... no longer with us."
Genma rolled his eyes. "Of *course,* he isn't with us. That's why I
wanted you to *bring* him to me."
"You don't understand. The doctor said a rare childhood disease was
responsible. Don't you see, Ranma has... passed away."
"Um...." Genma scratched his head. "Okay. So change his diapers and
*then* bring him to me."
"Dear." Nodoka's voice became quieter and a bit more firm. "I'm telling
you that Ranma is dead."
"What does that mean?" Genma asked. Nodoka replied by gesturing with her
index finger, indicating for him to come closer. He brought his ear
directly up to her mouth.
"IT MEANS DEAD, YOU IDIOT! AS A DOORNAIL! HE'S A CORPSE! WORM FOOD! HE'S
KICKED THE BUCKET! HE'S SHUFFLED OFF THIS MORTAL COIL AND JOINED THE
CHOIR INVISIBLE! YOU KNOW THE REST!"
Genma pulled back, calmly brushing a few drops of sweat from his
forehead with his hand. "I'm afraid you must be mistaken, dear."
Nodoka folded her arms in front of her. "There's no mistake, husband."
"But of course there is," Genma said in a lecturing tone. "A true
martial artist does not accept defeat. Certainly Ranma, destined to take
his place as the greatest martial artist of his generation, would never
accept the greatest defeat of all."
Nodoka stared intently at Genma for several moments, as though she were
trying to solve a puzzle. "All right, dear. Just wait right here. I'll
bring you Ranma."
Genma beamed a self-satisfied smile as his wife went into the kitchen.
Women were always so sentimental. He knew how to handle them, though.
You just had to be firm.
Nodoka quickly re-entered the room. "Here you are, dear." She put
something into Genma's outstretched hands. "Here's Ranma."
"Ranma!" Genma gazed down at the boy. "Ready for a lifetime of training,
son?" The boy was smaller than he'd expected, but he could tell that he
was healthy. Maybe it was because of his robust complexion.
***
"Do we *have* to do the scene from volume one, Daddy?" Nabiki asked.
Soun nodded sagely. "I'm afraid so. It's in our contract. This *is* an
alternate universe fic!"
"All right, if we must...." Nabiki continued, sounding unenthused, with
Kasumi accompanying her in unison. "What kind of guy *is* this Ranma?"
Soun laughed, then cleared his throat. "No idea."
"Excuse me, Father?" Kasumi said. "Could we at least skip a bit here?"
"Um, I guess that would be all right." Footsteps were heard from
outside. Soun and Nabiki ran towards the entrance.
"Daddy!" Nabiki shouted. "I'm not marrying Ranma! He's old, and bald,
and he has a pot belly!"
Soun whapped Nabiki on the head with a pillow. "That's not Ranma! That's
my old friend Genma Saotome! Ranma is his son!"
"Oh." Nabiki's wide smile returned. "So where *is* Ranma?" she asked
Genma. "Is he cute?"
Genma plopped something down on the floor. "Ranma, meet my friend Tendo
and his three daughters. One of them will be your new wife!"
The three girls stared down on the floor. "Daddy," Nabiki said, "this is
a potato."
Soun shook his head, bewildered.
"Is this a joke, Dad?" Akane asked angrily. "How could your friend have
given birth to a potato?!"
"Oh my," Kasumi said disappointedly. "I bet this potato is younger than
I am."
Genma looked down at the potato. "Ranma, take some time to get to know
these girls. Later, you'll be choosing one of them to marry!"
"Oh, he wants Akane," Kasumi quickly volunteered.
"Oh, definitely," agreed Nabiki quickly.
"Eh?" Akane scowled at her sisters. "You must be joking! Why would *I*
be--"
"Well...." Nabiki replied calmly, "you're always saying how you hate
boys, aren't you?"
"So you're in luck!" Kasumi smiled at her. "He's a vegetable! Completely
asexual!"
"Yeah, Akane. And you won't have to worry about him being unfaithful.
Ranma only has eyes for you!"
"Akane, give it a chance," Soun said. "Talk to Ranma. Get to know each
other."
Genma nodded. "Excellent idea, Tendo." He turned to his would-be
daughter in law. "What do you like to do other than martial arts, Akane?
Ranma's favorite hobby is floating down rivers in an old inner tube."
"Yeah, right," Akane grumbled.
"It IS! Ask anyone! Everyone who knows Ranma will tell you that he's a
tuber!"
Akane rolled her eyes. "Okay, Ranma, I'll tell you something about
myself. Would you like to know what my favorite old American television
show is?"
Everyone paused to listen.
"MASH!" Akane suddenly picked up the living room table and, in one quick
motion, slammed it down, crushing the potato.
"Ranma?" Genma stared uncomprehendingly at the scene. "Where are you,
boy?" He turned to Soun. "He must've run off again. He does that from
time to time."
"It's okay, Mr. Saotome," Kasumi said. "I think I know where Ranma is.
Look in the bag under the kitchen cabinet."
***
"Well, what do you think?" the robed figure asked.
"He he he! It's great!" Oscir jumped into the air, clicking his heels.
"An idea that lame is a sign of true genius! Oh, we're off to a *great*
start! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, TAKAHASHI-SAMA!"
Oscir froze, realizing what he'd just said. The two figures looked up as
a low creaking sound was heard. Then the ceiling collapsed, burying them
both. Would this be... the end?
"NO!" From under a ton of rubble, Oscir smiled. "He he he! This is only
the beginning!"
PART TWO
Saga, the Nordic Goddess of History, stared at the cat.
She repressed her irritation.
Oscir.
Saga cooly addressed the feline. "You shall not interfere."
"Oh come on. Let's have some fun."
In an angry flourish, Saga drew her grey cloak and stepped away from the
scrying pool, facing the cat. "I have cultured this timeline from the
smallest change possible. You shall leave, now." She drew upon the
Seidr for emphasis.
The cat slowly backed away. "Hey, hey. Let's be cool about this."
"Go."
"Okay, okay. I'm going. I'm going."
Oscir winked away, and Saga sighed in relief. She was certain she would
win with her pet timeline of the mortal named Ranma Saotome. She could
not have that-- that nuisance disturbing her creation. Yet... she had
delayed her work of transcribing the histories of timeline 2019 because
of this amusing diversion.
"I must at least catch up to when the bedouin Ibrahim finds the Fallen
Star," Saga muttered. The goddess cast a protective ward around her
scrying pool and whisked herself away to her home to work.
After a few moments, Oscir reappeared in the scrying room.
"Yeesh, that hag has to calm down."
The feline tapped his paw against the shimmering ward and mused, "Have
to break through this..."
After fiddling around with spells for an hour, it broke through the ward
and started its fun.
"Heheheheh," the cat gloated, "Saga will LOVE this."
= = =
"Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the first annual Ranma Trophy
Tournament! The contestants are the cast of Ranma 1/2. There's the
Tendo family in the Tendo-mobile!"
"Nabiki, are you sure about this? [sniff]"
"Relax daddy. The 'grand prize' also comes with fifteen million yen.
This Honda Civic will do the job. I paid off some guys to do some
special adjustments. And with Akane at the wheel and her natural
instinct for destruction, all the others will be crushed."
"Waaaah!"
"I'm going to rescue Ranma. How dare that crazy cat kidnap him?! It
might be molesting him right now! [sob]"
"Oh my. What's this red button?"
"Waaaah! The Anything Goes School will never be joined! Waaaah!"
"Next is the Chinese Amazons in... a giant plastic duck?!"
"Mousse dumb and blind. How he drive duck, great-grandmother?"
"Never fear, grand-daughter. I touched Mousse's secret-secret Amazon
shiatsu point of--"
"[gasp] Secret-secret Amazon shiatsu point of--"
"[nods] Yes, grand-daughter. The secret-secret Amazon shiatsu point
of--"
"Oh Shampoo so happy! Rescue groom from pervert cat! Get ready, stupid
Mousse!"
"Yum."
"The next contestant is... an ambulance driven by the Kuno siblings!"
"Ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho! My darling
Ranma-sama, I will rescue you, and we will live happily ever after!
Ohohohohohohoho!"
"Alas, my dearest sister has finally tipped over the edge. Yet the
family blood that binds us dictate that I had to request her release
from that enchanted fairy castle. A thick envelope always does the
trick. Yes, rescue that cur Saotome from... from..."
"Shut up, brother dearest, or I will pump you so full of LSD that you'll
think dear Ranma-sama is your accursed bitch Ranko!"
"Oh. Das gut."
"And finally, the Yattai-mobile, driven by the managers of Ucchan's
Okonomiyaki-ya!"
"Ukyou-sama, I think we are overloaded."
"Konatsu, I know what I'm doing. We need all the okonomiyaki batter we
can carry. I have a plan. [evil chuckle] Trust me."
"Oh boy."
"And a final word from our sponser, Genom Incorporated! Here's Mr.
Quincy!"
"Ahem. Welcome to the--"
[BOOOM]
[Four hardsuits appear]
"Damn it! It's another boomer clone."
"Figures."
"Knight Sabers, away!"
[Hardsuits disappear]
"[announcer sweatdrops] Ummm... and lets get the race started! On you
mark, get set, GO!"
PART THREE
"Small change, right?" Shaft, the deity of blaxploitation films
said. No one wanted to mess with him, because he was a bad mutha--
-Shut yo mouth!-
Even so, Shaft kept a distance from Oscir-- not because he was
afraid, or unable to pound the living hell outta the cat-thingy,
but because he really didn't want to touch Oscir, something which
he'd have to do to stomp the effed up furball.
"Yes. Change. Smallest one wins," exclaimed Oscir, leering at
the god and listening to the Seventy's funk music emanating from
him. That bass-line was... intoxicating.
"Well then," Shaft said from the other side of the pool,
pausing for the guitar riff to end, "What about this?"
"Good change! Small change! Er, what is change you make?"
Maybe Shaft could put on some thick gloves or something. A
Haz-mat suit would do, since then he wouldn't have to worry about
and splashing blood or gore or anything....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: Some parts contain profanity. You've been warned.
Gangsta Ranma
Genma chased after his son, the cat. On one hand, the boy had
finally learned the Neko-ken, and that was good. On the other hand,
the boy now thought he was a cat: that was bad. That the cat didn't
really seem to like Genma was even worse, as innumerable scratches
and cuts and bites proved.
Ranma was out of sight when Genma came to an intersection. Left
or right, left or right? Genma went right, since people tend to go
right when forced with a choice. Ranma, however, was left-handed as
a cat (would that be left-pawed, then?) and went left, towards the
harbor. Nice fishy-smelling boat there. Promise of lots of good
food. Yum!
Ranma boarded a fishing trawler, whose next port of call was in
a mysterious land of Lost Angels.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The trawler pulled into the port late at night. A scruffy
looking boy made his way down the side and swam to the pier in a
dirty, no-longer-white gi. On shore, in a strange place, the child
did the only thing he could.
"Papa? Papa" the boy asked in Japanese to the world. "Dad?"
Two large men strolled down the streets near the harbor. "Yo,
you see dat?" the one man said and pointed at the scruffy looking
Japanese child wandering around.
"Da kid? Yeah. Wut's 'e doin' out at dis time o' night?"
"Parents prob'ly crack-heads or sumpin'. Ain't no life fer a
kid, y'know?"
"Shi' man. I know whatchoo mean. Least inna gang you gots
people'll take cara ya. You tinkin' whut I'm tinkin'?"
"That we roll the kid for all 'e's got?"
"Yeah."
"Let's do it."
A bad mistake on the part of the two gangbangers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, okay, okay. So like, what happens next, right?
<Insert scene of kid-Ranma kicking the two gangbangers' asses>
<Insert scene where they turn around and recruit him for their
gang. Hey, if he's good enough to kick their asses now, they
definitely want him on their side when he grows up, right?>
<Insert scene where they give present Ranma to their boss, an aging
yakuza, Toshiro, who teaches Ranma English and some other important
skills, like how to shoot, breaking and entering, et cetera. All
the important skills of streetlife>
<Insert scene of Ranma getting a tattoo of a horse on his left
shoulderblade>
But what happens ten years later?
"Yo, Horse! You ready?" said a dark-skinned youth.
"Yeah Rico Suave, we goin' bus' some caps tanight. Lock an'
load, baby, cuz we ride t'night!" an asiatic youth with long, black
dreads replied.
"Yo, why you always callin' me Rico Suave? Yoo knows I hate
dat!" the latino in his plaid flannel shirt and kahkis said,
gesticulating wildly.
"Yeah, well whatchoo goin' do 'bout it, homes? Keep callin' me
Horse an' dat's da last yoo gots ta be worryin' about, cause yoo be
too busy tryin' ta get my foot outta yo punk ass!"
"You dissin' me, Ranma? You dissin' me? I'll put my foot up yo
ass so hard you be tastin' shoe polish fo' a month!"
"Shit, man. 'nuffa dis. Let's jus' do da job. I got a bitch
waitin' for me back in my crib," Ranma, who wore black baggy pants
with a crotch down to his knees and a shirt with Africa colors
running down it, said.
"She ain't like dat last ho you had, right? You know, the
crackhead?" Rico chuckled. "Wakin' up one day ta find all yo stuff
gone cuz she done sold all dat!" Rico slapped his thigh with his
handgun and laughed.
Ranma tsked. "Yo, you gots t'admit, she was some fine piece o'
ass."
"Yeah, well, I hope you wrapped it up good, man. Don't know
where a crack-head's been, or wit' who, you know what I'm sayin'
man?" Rico said philosophically.
"Fuck you. I'm clean, gee. Let's just do dis an' get back."
"Sure. I'm drivin' cuz you're an insane bastard an' I don't
trust you wit' my wheels."
"You treat dat ting bedda dan yo bitch, man!"
"Hey! She treats me better than my bitch, man!"
Crunch, a large, powerfully built black youth of about sixteen
with a shaved head came in with a hand strengthener in one hand and
an uzi in the other. "I have seen the light!"
"Testify!" said Rico.
"What you talkin' 'bout, Crunch?" asked Ranma.
"Yo, check it out, Ranma, check it out. So like, this fool's
sworn off women now that he's found out about ringin' his rag."
answered Rico.
"Never needed to! Been fuckin' since I was ten!" interjected
Crunch.
"I hear that! I hear that!" Ranma agreed.
"So now the fool's sworn off chicks," Rico said sadly, shaking
his head.
"Yo, straight jerkin'! It's low maintenance," Crunch explained.
"So, we goin' do dis or what? I gotta get back to da crib."
"Yeah, we goin' right now. Lock'n load, boys. We's gonna pardy
hardy!" Ranma said savagely with a grin.
***
"Toshiro, something went wrong," Ranma said in Japanese as he
knelt before the man he knew as father. "Someone tipped off the
cops. I can't stay here anymore."
Toshiro sighed. "I knew this would happen someday. It is all
right. I have made arrangements," he answered, also in Japanese.
"Arrangements?"
"You will go to Japan for a while. It is something I have
wanted for you, anyway. There you will learn more of our ways and
will rise higher in our ranks when you come back.
"Already, I've found you a cover. A man named Genma Saotome and
you will be a father-son pair of," Toshiro shuffled a few papers,
"martial artists."
Something about the man's name was familiar, but Ranma couldn't
place it. He shrugged it off for another time. "Guess I'm going to
have to leave my arsenal here. You'll make sure no one will
mishandle them, will you, father?"
Toshiro laughed. "We know who to pay, and how much. Bring them.
Have fun. Consider it a vacation. Keep your nose clean and do what
the Oyabun tells wants you to do. If you deal drugs don't take
them. Now go, that's all this old man knows anymore."
Ranma stood up and hugged Toshiro, who hugged back. "I'll miss
you," they both said at the same time, then cracked a smile when
they realized what they just did. Ranma left, not noting the tears
on Toshiro's cheeks. Toshiro sat there and did not notice the tears
on Ranma's cheeks.
In Japan:
"Yo, you da man?" Ranma, still in dreads which hung casually
about his shoulders and generally doing his Bob Marley impression,
said.
"Who're you?" grunted an older, fatter man wearing a tan gi.
There were a lot of people in the airport, but Ranma had a
description of who to look for.
"You're new son. Ranma. Let's get my gear an' get outta here.
Where we goin' be stayin' anyway? Nice honeys there? I likes me
tasties, y'know."
"I'm not doing this because I want to, you know, but because I
have to," the older man, Genma was his name-o (unlike his pet dog,
who was called Bingo) said, taking out two flasks of water.
The man unstoppered one flask and poured it over himself.
Instant panda. The panda took the other flask and poured it over
Ranma. Poof! Instant gansta bitch, complete with bright,
fluorescent, gotta-be-a-dye-job-for-sure hair and large, luscious,
mouth-watering melo-- eyes... yeah, eyes....
"Wha'dya do that for?" the indignant Ranma screamed.
"Sorry. Rules, don't you know. De rigueur. Have to get Jusenkyo
curse and all that."
"Oh, so, how'd you speak when you're still a panda?"
The panda held up a small cassette player. "I recorded this
earlier."
"So, what we's gonna do now?"
The panda held up a sign which read: Now we're going to go to
some sap's place where he and I'll force an engagement on you to
one of his three daughters."
"Nuh-unh! No how, no way am I gonna get engaged to dis guys
daughters! If he's gotta get 'em engaged like dat, dey's gotta be
some serious bowser bait! They's--" Ranma was cut off buy the panda
showing him pictures of the three Tendo girls. "Well, it'd be
imp'lite not ta talk to dem, right?"
The panda nodded.
"An' you said we's c'n bum off da guy fer a while too, right?"
The panda nodded vigorously.
"Den what's we waitin' for? Lez get goin'!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmmm, so what happens now?
Part 2: Ranma meets the Tendos-- likes Kasumi because there's a ho
that knows her place.
-- likes Nabiki because there's a ho
that can rock his world, and
knows some of his 'business'
-- thinks Akane's a bee-yatch! and
needs to be slapped around a
bit
Part 3: Ranma's first day at school and the Kunos-- What kind of
moron brings a stick to a gun-fight?
Kodachi-- hmmm, we have a supplier, now we just need a market
for the drugs. Perhaps Nabiki could help....
Part 4: Ryouga, The Amazons and Ukyo--
Ryouga? What the hell for!?! No bread feud thing here! Well, yeah,
but this time Ryouga wandered to L.A. and instead of getting run
over by Ranma's car, he made a dent in it which pissed Ranma off,
so he busts Ryouga's kneecaps. Now Ryouga's got a prosthetic leg
with a shotgun in it, and he's out for revenge.
The Amazons? De rigueur for the course, I'm afraid.
Ukyo? Tracks Ranma, who actually is the son of Genma, even if
he and Genma don't know it, down. Turns out she's a big fan of
Shabba Ranks, O.P.P. and Dr. Dre too, so she's all copacetic,
right?
Part 5: Ranma finally meets the Yakuza head, and it's...
Happousai!?! Ranma finally meets Genma's bitch, Nodoka, who's got
some funny ideas about what being a man is all about, but Ranma's
down wit' dat, too.
More John Woo action, and songs by the Wu-Tang Clan as well.
Part 6: Decisions, endings and the truth comes out. Oh yeah, Akane
goes berserk once too often, acting like she's 'Dusted up to the
sky, and tries to take it out on Ranma, who rightly booyah's her
bitch-ass, bustin' some caps an' kickin' it ol' skull style.
PART FOUR
Oscir, Feline God of Really Crappy Fanfiction, perused his
magazine with gratuitous intent. The latest issue of Kennel Club
certainly had some fine bitches in it, he reflected silently.
A door suddenly appeared in the emptiness of the room that
lay beyond space, time, sanity or good taste. Oscir looked up
and carefully hid his reading material in a dimensional pocket.
"Come on in."
To his disappointment, it was not an attractive creature of
the four-legged persuasion that stepped through, but an extremely
fat man in an expensive tuxedo. The tuxedo had been rendered
worthless by stains, spots and, in one case, a fried egg. The
huge man was busily gnawing on a chicken leg.
"'Scuse me," he asked in a resounding bass voice. "Can you
direct me to the cafeteria?"
Oscir stared at him. "Who are you?"
The fat man stuck out a greasy hand. "Pav Arr Rottay, God
of Musical Drama. You would be?"
"Oscir," the degenerate god replied, slipping the fat man a
paw. "And may I say that I have never considered the size of a
man's body to be..."
"I've heard of you," the massive god said warily, pulling
his meaty paw away. "I think I'll be leaving."
He turned around to find the door gone. "Oh," he said,
raising his eyebrows. "Woe is me."
"Hahahahaha!" Oscir laughed. "No one leaves here without
providing a crappy fanfic idea. Or, possibly, we can work out
some other arrangement, big fella, how about..."
Pav Arr Rottay sighed and ate the last of his chicken leg,
bones and all. "Good thing I came prepared." From somewhere in
his voluminous tuxedo, he produced several wrinkled sheets of
paper stapled together. Also a rather hair-covered lollipop,
which he promptly popped into his mouth stick and all.
Oscir read the script. He read it again. Then he began to
giggle hysterically.
"You like it?" Pav Arr Rottay asked disinterestedly,
searching his clothing for other hidden treasures of food he
might have missed.
Oscir stared at the stained, dog-eared and tattered script
with a gleeful light in his eyes. "It's monstrous! It's
horrible! It somehow manages to insult both of the artists and
the entire body of their work at the same time!" He did a little
dance. "I _love it!"
"So it's in?" Pav Arr Rottay inquired. "I can leave?"
"Of course it's in!" Oscir shouted. "It's a terrible idea!
What if the series had been created by a German musical genius of
the nineteenth century, rather than by a Japanese manga genius of
the twentieth! Break out the sets! The fog makers! The thunder
machines! Everybody get into a Sturm und Drang mood! Up the
weltscmerz generators to full power! We're rolling this baby!"
So, without further ado, and with the necessarly preamble
and spiel out of the way, it's time for...
RICHARD WAGNER'S RANMA 1/2
WITH LIBRETTO BY ARAN HARUNUMO
WARNING : CONTAINS OPERA JOKES
(Stage Directions)
o/~ Music
[Sound effects]
***
(The scene is the front gate of Furinkan High School, Nerima,
Japan. The time is the present day. Early morning. A cloudy
grey sky. A flash of lightning arcs through the clouds.)
[A roll of thunder echoes moments later.]
(From the left side of the stage, KUNO TATEWAKI {Baritone} and
SAGURAKURE SASUKE {Tenor} enter.)
o/~ The leitmotiv of KUNO, for timpani, Wagner tuba and brass
bell plays, albeit slightly off-key. o/~
KUNO: Good servant, I do declare it is the day!
o/~ The leitmotiv of SASUKE enters, for harmonica, plucked viola
and pitch-pipe. o/~
SASUKE: The day, you say?
KUNO: The day, I say!
o/~ The leitmotiv of the theme of FATE enters, which consists
of a single person with no musical training enthusiastically
banging a gong without cease. o/~
SASUKE: I say! The day!
KUNO: The day!
KUNO and SASUKE: The Da~ay!
o/~ The leitmotiv of FATE begins to drown out the leitmotivs of
KUNO and SASUKE. o/~
SASUKE: ...
KUNO: ...
o/~ The leitmotiv of FATE has now overwhelmed the voices of the
performers, unfortunately. Just a moment while we fix this. o/~
[A gunshot from the orchestra pit.]
o/~ The leitmotiv of FATE ends abruptly. o/~
SASUKE: But master...
KUNO: Good servant?
SASUKE: Dear master...
KUNO: Good servant?
SASUKE: My ma~aster!
KUNO: GOOD SERVANT!
(Sasuke cringes fawningly.)
SASUKE: What day?
o/~ For a moment, the leitmotiv of SAOTOME RANMA, for string
orchestra, tambourine and slide whistle is heard. o/~
(Kuno clenches his fist in anger)
KUNO: The day I shall sla~ay Ranma Saotome~e!
SASUKE: That day?
KUNO: That da~ay!
o/~ The leitmotiv of KUNO grows in volume, as that of SASUKE
dims. o/~
SASUKE: How, master, how, oh do tell me now?
KUNO: I shall do it with my skill and...
o/~ The leitmotiv of the MAGIC BOKKEN for string quartet,
trombone and harpsichord begins to intertwine with that of
KUNO. o/~
KUNO: MAGIC BOKKEN!
(From nowhere, Kuno brandishes a glowing bokken, made of the
finest teak from the steppes of central Asia, burnished to a
buffy sheen.)
SASUKE: MAGIC BOKKEN!
KUNO: MAGIC BOKKEN!
SASUKE and KUNO: MAGIC BOKKEN!
o/~ The leitmotiv of the MAGIC BOKKEN swells, but is suddenly
drowned out by the surprise reappearance of the leitmotiv of
FATE. o/~
KUNO: Magic bokken!
o/~ The leitmotiv of FATE bangs on obliviously. o/~
[Another gunshot from the orchestra pit]
o/~ The leitmotiv of FATE disappears again. The leitmotivs of
the MAGIC BOKKEN and KUNO swell to almost deafening proportions.
The leitmotiv of SASUKE is a thin squeak next to them. o/~
KUNO: I shall slay him with my magic bokke~en!
o/~ The leitmotivs of KUNO and the MAGIC BOKKEN suddenly fade to
nothing. The leitmotiv of RANMA is heard, and that of TENDO
AKANE, for anvil, xylophone and piano. o/~
(RANMA {Tenor} and AKANE {Mezzo-soprano} enter from the right
side of the stage, deep in argument.)
RANMA: Tomboy!
AKANE: Jerk!
RANMA: Flat-chest!
AKANE: Flirt!
o/~ The leitmotif of LOVE, for cello, recorder and tinkly bell,
begins to play. o/~
(RANMA and AKANE stop arguing, and look very nervous. KUNO
strides up to them.)
o/~ Leitmotiv of KUNO begins to play. o/~
KUNO: Saotome, you do~og!
RANMA: What no~ow, Kuno~o?
KUNO: The time of thy doom is nigh!
RANMA: What, again?
KUNO: I shall smite thee!
RANMA: What, again?
KUNO: With my MA~AGIC BO~OKKEN!
(He draws the MAGIC BOKKEN)
o/~ Leitmotiv of the MAGIC BOKKEN begins to play again. The
leitmotiv of FATE also begins, but is silenced with a sudden,
strangled scream from the orchestra pit. o/~
RANMA: Huh?
KUNO: MA~AGIC BO~OKKEN!
SASUKE (not singing, just screaming): My god! How long is this
going to go on? It's monstrous! It's hideous! You just keep on
repeating yourselves! And singing! Do people sing all the time
in real life? How is this reflective of real life? Whatever
happened to the concept of holding a mirror up to nature in the
creative arts? Has everyone gone crazy but me? Why do hot dog
buns come in packages of six, but hot dogs come in packages of
eight? WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU PEOPLE?!?!?
o/~ The music stops. o/~
[Silence.]
KUNO: ...
RANMA: ...
o/~ A single, weak bang of the leitmotiv of FATE. o/~
KUNO: Magic bokken.
RANMA: Magic bokken?
KUNO: Magic bokken.
AKANE: Magic bokken...
o/~ The leitmotiv of the MAGIC BOKKEN explodes into being! o/~
RANMA and AKANE and KUNO: MA~AGIC BO~OKEN!
SASUKE (speaking): I give up. (Sasuke leaves the stage.)
RANMA and AKANE and KUNO: MA~AGIC BO~OKEN!
etc, etc, etc...
The author, having realized that the Magic Bokken joke is getting
a little old, and also realizing that most people are going to
realize he just stole it from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon, and also
realizing that a lot of people probably don't know what a
leitmotiv is, what with the decline of the arts in society today,
which he blames entirely on television and video games and
foreigners, it's not that I've got anything against them, they're
just, well, different, you know, and... well, anyway, let's just
skip to the big finish, shall we?
(Furinkan High School is in flames. RANMA lies wounded in center
stage, his head cradled in AKANE's lap. Behind them, the bodies
of RYOGA, MOUSSE, SHAMPOO, COLOGNE, HAPPOSAI, NABIKI, KASUMI,
SOUN, GENMA, NODOKA, UKYOU, AKARI, KODACHI, LUM, ATARU, LINA
INVERSE, MASAKI TENCHI, KUSAMA DAISUKU, RAND AL'THOR, RIC "NATURE
BOY" FLAIR, THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO and A KITTEN lie in a heap
amidst the burning ruins of Furinkan.)
o/~ The leitmotivs of RANMA, AKANE and LOVE. o/~
RANMA: Akane...
AKANE: Ranma...
RANMA: If only we'd believed in the power of the...
AKANE: Magic bokken...
RANMA: Too late...
AKANE: Now...
RANMA: What will...
AKANE: Happen...
RANMA: To...
RANMA and AKANE: U~us?
o/~ The leitmotiv of FATE is heard for a moment.
[Chainsaw noises from the orchestra pit.]
(Suddenly, lightning flashes again.)
[The crash of thunder.]
o/~ The RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES begins to play.
(Suspended on strings, KIMA, SAFFRON, KORUMA, MASARA and PANTYHOSE
TAROU BAKEMONO are lowered from up above. All of them are
dressed as Valkyries; chain-mail, winged helmets, pointy metal
brassieres, etc... On KIMA, the effect isn't bad. On everyone
else [particularly PANTYHOSE TAROU BAKEMONO] it is very, very bad
indeed.)
[A loud creaking from PANTYHOSE's strings]
PANTYHOSE: Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
(The strings snap. PANTYHOSE falls on top of RANMA and AKANE.)
o/~ The leitmotiv of BEING CRUSHED TO DEATH, for mouse organ and
whoopee cushion. o/~
(KIMA looks disgusted)
o/~ A single, solitary, leitmotiv of FATE.
(The curtain falls.)
***
The author of this section would like to apologize to Richard Wagner,
Rumiko Takahashi, the world in general, and anyone else even remotely
offended by this disgraceful piece of writing, but you have to
keep in mind that he comes from a very bad home, and was
regularly thrashed as a child, and his poor mother with her
fingers all shaky from working at the factory night and day, and
him having to take care of his seventeen brothers and sisters
all day, well, anyway, we're all very very very very very sorry
it happened and we promise it will never ever ever happen again
no matter what.
PART FIVE
Oscir, the ever watchful 'Feline God of Really Crappy Fanfiction?', or
FGoRCF, as his/her/its friends would've called it, if it had had any,
sat watching the fics of "The Butt" as they played out in his/her/its
"Flushing Pool of Viewing" (Patent Pending).
When what to its wondering eyes should appear, but a gay old elf. The
elf wore a strapless, burgundy satin evening gown with matching combat
boots. His white hair had been styled to match the style worn by
Florence Henderson when she had played the mother on "The Brady Bunch."
"Huh? Who are you? Do you want to play, too?" Oscir greeted the
strange elf to his domain.
"I am Wedgewise, Quean of Fairies and God of Television Shows from the
Nineteen-seventies and before." His voice quivered with excitement. "I
have an entry to make. Is it too late?"
Smiling in appraisal of his vic..., guest, Oscir warmly answered, "Nay,
it is never too late to enter my contest! Unlike some others, that I
shall not mention the name of, I BET you've got a real winner on your
hands." He winked suggestively at his royal(?) visitor.
"Yes, you are correct FGoRCF -- may I call you FGoRCF? I have an entry.
It only requires a few little changes." Striding forward, he held out
what looked like a little man in a rowboat, "May I?"
Eagerly lusting after what he/she/it was being offered, Oscir could only
nod his head.
"Thank you," Wedgewise said as he leaned over the pool and placed the
object in the water. Beginning an incantation, he made a few passes
with his hands as he said,
"Little Man, Little Man,
In your boat row, row, row.
As you sow your seeds of change,
They will struggle to grow, grow, grow.
Quickly now, before the readers all get 'ol,
Make this pool a 'Tidy Bowl.'"
Finished, Wedgewise daintily wiggled his nose as the pool began to flush
a new reality.
"Ooh, I just love an elf that does magic!" Oscir said as he/she/it
attempted to glomp onto Wedgewise. "Let's watch while we get all
snuggly-wuggly, okay?"
Sweating profusely at the suggestion, the gay old elf found himself
distinctly, one might say even profoundly, disgusted at the idea. He
said, as he tried to disentangle himself from his captor, "Really, I
would prefer to keep our relationship on a business or platonic level."
"Pooh, you're no fun either." Oscir grumpily walked away and began to
watch...
A "My Three Sons"/"The Brady Bunch"/"Ranma One-Half" Fusion
"My Tendo Bunches"
Soun Tendo stood sorting the mail. She had met the mailman just as he
had dropped off the family's mail.
"Now wait just a darned minute here!" She began to rant towards the
author. "I'm supposed to be the father figure. I can't be the father
figure if I'm a woman."
Nabiki, her middle daughter, heard her mother and, at the author's
behest, explained, "Mother, it's in your contract that you are to be the
head of the household. Nowhere is it stated that you must always be
male or uncursed. I told you to use my services. Now to refresh you on
your history, you were born a hermaphrodite and your parents decided at
your doctor's suggestion to make you fully female."
*^*^*^
"A hermie? I like it!" Oscir interrupted the story.
"Yeah, I knew you would," Wedgewise said.
"Why did you have them ~fix~ her. There's nothing wrong with having
both!" Oscir glared at his/her/its companion.
"Can we get back to the story now?" The elf really didn't want to go
there.
*^*^*^
With a sour look on her face, Nabiki asked, "Are you finished now? I
don't like being interrupted." Waiting just a little longer to see if
anyone else was going to jump in, she finally finished her explanation.
"Your parents had already named you Soun, so they left it that way.
That made things a little difficult for you in high school. The H.S.
English class nicknamed you Soun-a-or-late-a. According to my sources,
this was because of your reputation. After high school, you trained
with Genma under Happosai."
"Please tell me that he's not your father," Soun begged.
"No, Mother, you may have done it with him, but he's not our father.
You met Ryu shortly after your training ended and married him. You were
very fertile and quickly had three girls: Kasumi, myself, and Akane.
Ryu died or left us at the right canonical time and Aunt Nodoka, your
sister, came to live with us."
"Nodoka? She's my sister and she lives here?" Soun was startled out of
her impending bout of tears.
"Yes. You had to take a position with the family company to be able to
make enough money to raise us. Nodoka's husband had taken their son to
train him and you took her in. She took over the duties of a wife and
now runs our home while you are at the office working." Nabiki dryly
finished.
Looking at herself, Soun asked, "This is a small change?"
"Mother, there's more. Just wait," Nabiki, holder of knowledge given by
the author, told her. "If someone were wagering, I'd make THE BET that
you're holding a postcard from China."
Having already sorted the mail, she answered, "Yes, there is! How did
you know?"
"Don't bother, Mother. I'll get everyone. Let's meet in the dojo this
time; I'm really tired of having to go through all of that tedious
dialogue always in the dining room. See you there in fifteen minutes."
Nabiki walked off without bothering to get an answer.
Stunned, Soun wandered into the dojo and found herself wishing for a
nice, soothing cup of Darjeeling, a long hot bath, and a nap. The
stress level associated with this alternative reality was too much for
her sensitive, womanly body. Thinking a little bit more, she decided to
scratch the nap and make the bath an even longer one with the door
securely locked.
A few minutes later, Akane, Kasumi, Nabiki, and Nodoka were seated in
front of Soun in the dojo. By an amazing coincidence, they all assured
Soun that they knew what she had to say.
"Fath, er, I mean, Mother, I've put a sign on the door for Genma and
Ranma to come on into the dojo. It's not like they haven't been here
before," Kasumi politely told her mother.
Nodoka, with a look of apprehension, said, "I haven't seen my husband or
my darling little boy in ten years. I hope that he hasn't done anything
bad or misguided with him. I'm sure that he didn't. Genma was always
very level-headed."
As she finished, they all heard the outside door open. With a rising
sense of expectancy, they all turned to face the entrance of the dojo.
After a few moments, the door slid open. Surprising all of them, a wet,
male Ranma strode in, another slightly older wet, male Ranma strode in,
and yet another even older wet, male Ranma strode in. With a huge
smile, Genma walked into the dojo. The only difference between canon
Ranma and Genma and these ones was the fact that all four of them
sported hair with permanents in them.
In chorus, they all said, in very disgusted voice, "I'm Ranma Saotome,
sorry about this."
Clapping her hands together in excitement, Soun shouted, "Oh, my prayers
have been answered! There's a man for each of my girls!"
"That's right, Soun. Now our schools will be truly united." Genma
stood looking at his old travelling companion.
"Hey, I can't marry these girls! They're my cousins. Mom's their
aunt!" Ranma, Ranma, and Ranma again chorused.
"That is a problem." Soun frowned.
"How come there are three of you?" Nabiki reasonably provided the
author a chance to explain.
"Well, I didn't fall into the Spring of Drowned Girl. I fell into the
Spring of Drowned Three Sons. I found myself split into three
afterwards. The cool thing is that it's permanent and I have two
brothers!"
"I have the perfect solution then, my beautiful friend," Genma proudly
announced. "I divorced Nodoka shortly after Ranma and I left. I
certainly am not going to commit seppuku and a divorce negated the
agreement that we signed. Marry me, Tendo! Then you and I will have a
child that will be the heir to both of our schools!"
Heart melting in love at his words, Soun found herself wishing that
Genma had asked her twenty years before. So many things would have gone
differently. Running into his waiting arms, she cried, "Yes, yes, my
love! I will marry you!"
And thus was born: "The Tendo Bunch"
*^*^*^
Grinning at his work, Wedgewise looked at Oscir and asked, "Well what do
you think?"
"I love it! I love it so much that I'd like to do it with you!" Oscir
said with a lust-filled tone.
Sweating a little, the elf backed away a little and said, "Um, you're
not my type?"
"What is your type? I can change." Oscir tried to pout cutely. Let's
just say it didn't work.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Wedgewise ran away in fright.
"At least, Artemis doesn't run away from me," Oscir sniffed, trying not
to cry. "Any more, at least."
PART SIX
"Hey, is this a party?" asked the godlike being who had just
flown in.
"Yo, Saffron!" said Osciir. He pointed to one of the
universes over his left shoulder. "Thought you were in there,
not out here."
"I'm not a godlike being. I'm a god. If you gods can go
around and fiddle with all these universes, maybe you should
have invited some of the gods that already live there. It's
only neighborly." Saffron proceeded to strangle Osciir.
"Say, I always wondered, what are you a god of?" asked
Osciir. "By the way, why are you strangling _that_?"
Saffron dropped Osciir like a hot potato (which really was a
hot potato, from the first fic) after taking a second look at the
god's anatomy. He blasted open the door and in came the cast.
"That's the Ranma cast?" asked Bragi. "I've never heard of
them."
"Doesn't matter, half the fans have only seen the Viz version
and they haven't heard of me either. Besides, the regular cast
is still recovering from the last few fics. Let's roll 'em,"
answered Saffron.
Sankichi sat in his house, the Sankichi Dojo, with his three
daughters, Anna, Nabiki, and Kanna.
"You're _not_ telling me Nabiki's an obscure character," said Bragi.
"Fine." Saffron shot an energy blast into the universe.
Sankichi sat in his house, the Sankichi Dojo, with his two
daughters, Anna and Kanna. Anna, the farm girl, was cleaning
house, while Kanna was acting tomboyish. "Anna, would you mind
cleaning up that big soot stain from the floor? And then, get
the postcard. My old friend Kaeru-sennin and his son Herb are
coming home from China and...
At this, Anna threw the postcard into the teeth of the hapless
Martial Arts Shogi player. "If you know what's on it, we don't
very well _need_ it, do we?"
----
"You're Kaeru-sennin? But you're a frog."
"What do you think Kaeru means in Japanese? It's almost like a
bad fanfic name, except that I'm really in an episode. Now let's
get to the script. This is my son Herb. I fell into the pool of
drowned frog and he fell into the pool of drowned girl. Anyway,
me and your father are going to engage him to one of you two
girls."
"Do you know martial arts, Herb?" asked Kanna.
"Hey, you do that really well", whispered Herb. "You look a lot
like the real Akane. Too bad nobody ever watched your episode."
He continued in a louder voice. "Sure, I do martial arts. I have a
special dragon style because my ancestors slept with animals..."
"Herb, you PERVERT!" yelled Kanna.
"I don't know," said Osciir. "Sounds sort of like fun."
----
Herb gaped as a crowd of boys gathered in front of the school.
"I hate boys!" yelled Kanna.
"Hold on tight," said Herb, and picked her up, flying over the
crowd into the school.
"Hey, wait a minute, you're not supposed to do that. Now the
guy who's playing Kunou will never make it inside past the
crowd."
"Aw, it's just a fanfic. Who's the substitute anyway?"
>From outside a voice could be heard. "I am Sentarou, the Green
Tea of Furinkan High..."
----
"Really, Herb?" asked the Akane lookalike. "You and this guy
fought over lunch all the time?"
"Yup. He felt he had to butt his head into the food. I told
him that if he did that his head would flatten into a spatula,"
replied Herb.
Occhan charged Herb, shouting his grievances. "For what you did
to me. My head is forever flat now! All thanks to you!"
"Hey," answered Herb. "I warned you, I didn't do it to you."
Lime ran in. "There you are, Herb. I don't understand this
universe stuff but we're buddies, so _I_ should be Ryouga. This
guy doesn't look the least bit like Ryouga!"
"Sorry, bud, you have the tiger stripe motif to replace the
bandanna with, and you're strong enough, but do you really want
a Jyusenkyou curse?"
"What kind of curse does Occhan have?"
"Pool of drowned dry person. He has to avoid water because it
makes him explode from the paradox."
----
"I must admit my sister is evil, scary, and perverted," said
Sentarou. "But she is my family's flesh and blood and..."
"I'm not flesh and blood," replied Kogane. "I'm a ghost.
Who's writing this script, anyway?"
----
NEXT: Pink, Link, Linlin, and Ranran are all arguing with Saffron
over who gets to steal Shampoo's role in this new universe.
They eventually compromise on sharing the role. Since there
are four of them, they can't use their own names, and settle on
"Economy-Sized Soap Pack."
----
Author's note: Well, if this one is chosen it'll continue with even more
characters in a similar vein. Midori, the kindergarten teacher, can get
Nodoka's place or maybe Hinako-sensei's place. In the absence of Ukyou,
we have Kaori, who can take the second-fiancee role. The lecherous guy,
Harumaki, can replace Happosai. Nabiki stays a soot stain unless
Kinnosuke is willing to hop in a girl pool, but he probably isn't.
Maybe we can use Linna from the BGC TV series instead. The only problem
may be that I need to think of something to do when the obscure
characters are supposed to show up but that's not much of a problem
since nobody uses them anyway.
PART SEVEN
Oscir knelt down by the waters of the Scrying Bowl. His brows
were knitted furiously in concentration as he strained his mental
capacities to their utmost.
"How am I going to come up with a clever opening for this
segment?" He stared into the crystalline waters of the Bowl, willing
inspiration to come. "Ahhh, screw it. I'll just show this one by
itself...."
* * * * *
A man sat by the edge of the woods. A primitive man to be sure,
but a man nonetheless. Possibly the greatest man who had ever lived,
which was not saying much since they'd only been around a few hundred
years. Yes, even greater than that man on the other side of the trees
who'd discovered that a flat round slab of rock rolled when pushed on
its edge. This man discovered fire.
History would not record this, however. The man would never be
able to tell the rest of his race of his extraordinary discovery.
Instead, a group of unassuming reptites would find this man and exchange
the fire making rocks for some nice shiny yellow stones. Hey, they were
_really_ shiny.
Reptites? They were just a race of lizard-like men that held
dominance over the area and would have died out when the ice age came
along. Would have, that is, if they had not discovered fire. Mankind
ended up leaving this world, with only a few cave drawings and tools to
tell of their existence. Or so it was believed.
A big change in history? The ramifications of such a change
should be drastic and the world would have to be different. Maybe...
then again, maybe not.
* * * * *
"Tomboy!"
"Pervert!"
Soun sighed. "The two schools will never be joined, Saotome."
Genma shook his scaled hornless head. "Don't worry. They're
meant for each other. We'll knock some sense into them yet."
"Who wants to marry that bronto-headed jerk?" Akane asked
angrily.
"Says the girl that's built like one," Ranma taunted. He
suddenly regretted it as the shiny, blue-tinted scalp of his fiancee
turned an ugly shade of purple. It always led to him being punted into
the sky. Sure enough, he was.
Kasumi walked out of the kitchen at that moment. "Akane, you
really shouldn't have done that. Maybe he was being nice to you for
once and not teasing you."
Akane had the decency to look ashamed in the face of Kasumi's
gentle scolding. "I'm sorry."
"Tell that to Ranma. Now, Daddy, are you ready for your back
rub?" Kasumi asked as her retractable claws sprang forth.
"Oh, that would be great, Kasumi. You are such a wonderful
daughter."
Genma nodded. "I am envious of you, Tendo."
Nodoka, who stood nearby dusting, let out an exasperated breath.
"Oh, I suppose I can give you a back rub also." She set aside her
duster and went to look for a file to sharpen the points of her claws..
* * * * *
Ranma sighed as he flew through the air. Why did she always
have to make it so hard? He guessed it was a little suspicious of him
to have complimented her out of the blue like that. He had just been
taking Kasumi's advice, but Akane had thought there was some implied
meaning.
He sighed again. He hadn't been lying too. She was cute when
she smiled. Her small little nostrils flared slightly at the end of her
equally small snout. They complemented her round face well. The way
her small fangs glinted in the lighting made the smile all the more
beautiful. He was so wrapped up in the thought he didn't even notice
landing into the alley of the Nekohanten.
* * * * *
Shampoo shook her head disbelievingly. Out of the entire alley
way, Ranma had landed on the small portion that had the puddles.
"Shampoo wonder what make loud noise. Ranma come in, yes?
Great-grandmother was looking for you."
Ranma groaned as she got up. She noticed that she was smaller
than normal and sure enough she was a girl again. Aside from the
obvious change in chest size, her snout was also narrower, her tail much
more slender. A great many girls at school often asked her how she got
her tail so long, much to Ranma's extreme disgust. She looked up at
Shampoo and nodded. "Okay, I guess I can stop in. What does the old
ghoul want now?"
Shampoo shook her head. "Shampoo no know."
Ranma frowned. Something was wrong. "Get me some hot water and
then I'll ask her myself."
* * * * *
Cologne kicked the 'dactyl in the cage once more. "Quiet,
Mousse. This is important. I don't want you attacking Ranma right now."
Ranma ignored the glaring avian and asked Cologne his question
again. "Something bad happen in Joketsuzoku, you say?"
Cologne nodded. "The village sent me a drawing of the group
that attacked them. It seemed that the recent flooding of Jusenkyo
caused a great magical rift in the area. It was reported that the group
came straight out from the pools themselves."
Ranma looked at the drawing again and shuddered. Whatever this
race was, they were ugly. They had pale skin and had tufts of hair over
some parts of their body much like mammals. They didn't seem to have a
tail and had an extra finger on each hand. He suspected that they
probably had five toes, too. Ick.
"I'm afraid the world may never be the same again," Cologne
predicted omniously as she looked at the picture a second time.
* * * * *
Author's note:
Should be clear by now that the fic takes place after an
alternate Volume 38 of the Ranma manga. Where to go with this? Ranma
and cast find themselves in the toughest battle of their lives as they
fight the most violent race the Reptites have ever come across.
Since it is after Volume 38, Akane obviously has the biggest
chance with Ranma. However, you can change the matchups, whoever
decides to take up the bet.
PART EIGHT
Oscir looked at the figure before him and said, "Who are you?"
The figure wore a suit that somehow managed to cover his corpulent body.
He also wore a tie, and had the ruddy young face and obvious
intelligence of an elementary school-yard bully.
"Hello, citizen! I am the god Inhumanis Ignoramous and I bring you a
fanfiction worthy of your contest!" the god shouted.
Oscir said,"Wow! You are as loud as you are-"
But he was cut off as Inhumanis Ignoramous grabbed him by his collar and
said,"What were you gonna say? That I was fat! I'll kill you! I'll kill
you! Damn you, Al Franken!"
Oscir tried to remove the two meaty hands that were strangling him and
said, "No... ghgk... I wasn't...fdshk..."
Inhumanis Ignoramous loosened his grip and said, "You weren't?"
Oscir gasped for air and said, "No, I was just going to say that you are
as loud as you are witty! Akk... My throat..."
Inhumanis Ignoramous let go of Oscir and said, "But of course! Now as I
was saying, I had something for your contest!" Inhumanis Ignoramous
handed Oscir a couple of typed up pages and continued, "This entry for
your best of fanfiction competition will surely win!"
Oscir raised and eyebrow at 'best of fanfiction', but upon looking at
the fic he said,"Well, I can certainly say you do have a good chance of
winning this competition."
***
The Way Ranma 1/2 Ought to Be
For Ranma, being a white male in Japan was hard, but over time
the citizens bowed to his superior Western culture and knowledge.
Now all of Japan's culture was good because of the elimination of
their pornographic ultraviolent cartoons, like Ki-Ki's Delivery Service.
Just as Ranma was sitting down to read a copy of U.S. News, he was
interrupted by Ryouga Hibikistein. He was dressed in black with a
yarmulke on his head and a huge beard. He also held in his
hand a copy of the Torah and a shirt which said 'I killed Jesus.'
"Ah! Ryouga Hibikistein! You've come to try to spread your liberal
disinformation to the mass public, eh?!"Ranma said then looking at
Ryouga's t-shirt said,"You folks have control of the minds of these
children. And you are corrupting these children."[1]
Ryouga looked at his shirt and tore it off while crying,"Oh! I'm so
sorry! I should have realsed that my religion is inherintly inferior to
Christianity!"
"I am glad that you have come to your senses Ryouga." Ranma said.
Just then Shampoo, who was a black woman came into the
house. "Ranma how can you say that Martin Luther King Jr. would have
been against Afirmative-Action when he said and I quote 'a society that
has done something special AGAINST the negro for hundreds of years must
now do something special FOR the negro'?"
Ranma said,"It's the context you take it in!"
Realising his superior wisdom Shampoo shouted,"I was wrong! I must now
convert to Christianity and register as a Republican!"
Just then Akane ran into the room and shouted,"Ranma! Did you hear the
good news?!"
"What?" Ranma asked.
"Bill Clinton has been charged with the murders of over fifty people!"
Akane shouted joyously.
"Good!" Ranma said,"The liberal media had ruled them suicides or that he
had almost no connection to the people or that there was absolutely no
reason for him to kill them, but we proved them wrong!"
"They're gonna put Ronald Reagan back in office!" Akane shouted
ecstatically.
Ranma jumped up and said,"Hot diggity dog! Our best Executive in Chief
is back in office."
Nabiki walked into the room. She was wearing an outfit that would be
appropriate on a man, but not on a woman. She also had on a K.D. Lang
shirt.
She said, "What are you guys yelling about?"
"Ronald Reagan is going to become the President of the United States
again!" Ranma said.
Akane said,"Well, not exactly, Ranma..."
"What do you mean, Akane?" Ranma asked.
"Well, Ronald Reagan is going to be the next Dicatator of America."
Nabiki said, "Why in hell are they going to do that?"
"In a poll it said that 99% of people are in favor of a dictatorship,"
Akane stated matter-of-factly.
"Oh, I'm sure those weren't loaded questions," Nabiki said.
Ranma stood up and yelled, "Nabiki you're just another feminazi Lesiban
supporter of Clinton!"
Nabiki blinked and said,"What are you talking about? I've protested
several of his political moves and find the man reprehenisible."
Ranma said, "That's what you would like us to believe, but we know
better. Clinton helped out the feminazis and they're supporting him!"
"Excuse me, but we do prefer to be called feminists and we don't support
him blindly. We just find it silly to charge him with murders when there
is almost no evidence to go against him."
"If you were a highway builder in Germany in 1936, and you would have
said let's keep Hitler because he built highways. You're a highway
man."[2]
Nabiki said, "That incredibly bad and out of context analogy has won me
over to your cause!"
"Good! Now let us celebrate Corporate Downsizing!" Ranma shouted, and
everybody cheered.
[1]Pat Buchanan said this to Norman Lear on Nightline
[2]Larry King said this on a show in response to Patricia Ireland, a
feminist, who said that she thought that Clinton's affair was not
serious enough to warrant the overturning of an election.
PART NINE
Oscir was watering what looked like a pile of paper. As he
watered it, the paper grew, and sprouted leaves and flowers.
The knock on the door prompted Oscir to look up from his
growing pile of entries for The Butt. As he walked over to the
door, the growing pile suddenly sprouted tentacles, mouth and
nasty looking spikes.
"Who is it?!" Oscir barked, which was an interesting
feat considering the fact he was a cat. He opened the door.
A round ball of flab with a mouth bounced into the room.
Oscir blinked. "Who the hell are you?!"
"Badfiiiiic."
"And you are the god of...?"
"Baaaaddddfic. Badfiiic. Baaadfi'"
"What do you want?" Oscir asked, annoyed. This ball of
flab was keeping him away from his beloved entries.
"Badfic. Badfic badfic. Baadficcc. Badfiii'." The flab
suddenly spat out a stack of paper.
"Ah.... let me see!" Oscir grabbed the slimy paper and
started to skim it over.
As he did this, a tentacle grabbed the ball of flab and
started to toss it up and down.
Oscir read the fic over and started to giggle.
At this time, the ball of flab was eaten by the plant.
Oscir didn't notice this. He was too busy laughing
insanely.
"Attack of the Killer Kawaii Animals From Mars"
An Entree by
I am not going to put my name on this
"Where the hell am I?!" Ryouga shouted. No one answered
him.
Suddenly, a panda barreled out of the surroundings and
ran straight towards him.
Screaming, Ryouga jumped into the air to avoid the panda,
only to be knocked into low earth orbit by a red headed girl.
Ryouga fell down towards a small pool. Just before he
hit the water however, a blind duck flew directly into him,
and Ryouga fell into the pool right beside the one he should have
fallen in.
A small black pig surfaced from the pool Ryouga fell into
and paddled over to the edge of the pool.
A panda suddenly came from out of nowhere and lifted the
pig up to look at it.
The pig looked at the panda intensely.
The panda looked at the pig intensely.
The pig opened its jaws and chomped down on the panda's
arm.
The panda started to growl in pain and shook his arm furiously
to detach the pig. The pig would not let go.
An hour or so later, the skeleton of a dead panda laid inside
the forest near the springs. There were bits and pieces of flesh
here and there, but for the most part, it was just bones.
A small black pig covered in blood stood near the panda, looking
at it, a blank expression on its face.
"Bwee.... bwee... bwe.. bwe. bwe..." laughed the pig softly.
"Bwee hee hee... BWEEE HEEEHEEHEE! BWEEEHEEEHEEE!!"
The insane laughter of the pig rippled through the air.
*********
One day, Ranma Saotome ran out of Furinkan High happily,
only to run into Ryouga Hibiki. The two started to fight when it
suddenly started to rain.
A female Ranma looked around for Ryouga, but all she found
was a small black pig. She stooped down to look at the pig.
The pig grinned, showing fangs.
"Since when did pigs have fangs?" she wondered aloud as
she picked up the pig and looked at the fangs closely.
She would never look at anything else, ever again.
*********
One day, Akane Tendo found a small black pig in her room.
She instantly fell in love with it and picked it up to hug it.
The pig opened its jaws...
*********
It was a small room, dimly lit. There was a small podium
in the center of the room. Behind the podium sat a black pig.
There were chairs in front of the podium, and assorted
kawaii characters sat in them.
"Bwee bwee! Bwee bweeeee bwe bweeeee," said the pig.
[Translations will be written in <>]
<Comrades! I have taken care of the Nerima martial artists!
How goes the plan?>
A cabbit stood up on her chair. "Miya! Miiiiya! Miiya!!"
<The plan goes well, Comrade P-Chan! I, too, have taken care of
both Ryoko and Tenchi. I have sabotaged all connections with
Jurai. We will not have to worry about any interference from
them."
P-Chan nodded. <Good job, Comrade Ryo-oh-ki. How goes the
cabbit fleet? Do we have enough battle ships for a full attack?>
Ryo-oh-ki smiled. <Ken-oh-ki and I have been busy...
producing.... and training the cabbits. We have enough for
a full attack.>
A small girl stood up on her chair. She had pink hair,
done up in two heart-shaped buns on either side of her head.
"Chibi-chibi. Chibi, chiiiibi chibi," she said. <I shipped
Tuxedo Kamen off to deep space. We will not have to worry about
interference from the Sailor Senshi for a few light years.>
P-Chan nodded. <Very good, Comrade Chibi-Chibi.>
A chubby rabbit-like thingy struggled to stand up. After
a few tries, it succeeded. "Pu! Puuuu! Pppuuu! Pu pu!!" <The
Magical Knights are... shall we say, permanently banned from
Earth. All connections from here to the other world have been
cut.>
<Excellent, Comrade Modoka!> P-Chan cried. <And that is
it! All obstacles have been destroyed! The earth is ours for
the taking! Tomorrow, we will be lords of the earth, my comrades!!
Buwhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!>
Oscir smiled. "Hey, flab-boy, this is horrible!" He
turned around to look for his guest. He could not find him anywhere.
Oscir shrugged. "Oh, he probably left. They always leave.
I wonder why?"
He tossed the fic over to the growing pile of entrees and
continued to water it, hoping it would grow some more.
CREDITS
"What if Ranma Were a Potato?" by Gary Kleppe <kle...@execpc.com>, based
on an idea by Tybalt (who appears with permission, but bears no
responsibility for his/her characterization or the content of the
chapter).
"Ranma/Super Deformed Double Feature" by Myungsu "wx721" Suh
<su...@students.uiuc.edu>.
"Gangsta Ranma" by Matthew "Maybeso" Lewis <may...@ican.net>.
"Richard Wagner's Ranma 1/2" by Alan Harnum <har...@hotmail.com>.
"My Tendo Bunches" by Mike Allen <m_k_...@hotmail.com>.
"What if the Characters Nobody's Heard of Took Over" by Ken Arromdee
<arro...@inetnow.net>.
"Through the Eyes of the Enemy" by Donny Cheng <che...@ucalgary.ca>.
"The Way Ranma 1/2 Ought to Be" by Ryoucilo <bo...@negia.net>.
"Attack of the Killer Kawaii Animals From Mars" by Jenny Chan
<andr...@hotmail.com>.
Edited by Gary Kleppe, with thanks to Rod M, and the other authors.