WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Viola's Iris
I wrote this poem sometime back and it's one of my favourites but I
find that it fails to connect with an audience. What do you think of
it? In terms of what it is about or what it makes you feel.
Enjoy
-----------------------
STAY
by vee
Dreamland hours
of pink grass
& green flowers
raising their heads
to the yellow sky
where blue clouds
pass by...
I wonder how
orange rain
would feel on my
indigo skin?
Would it wash away
the white blood?
Or make my
purple eyes sad?
A world of color
Yet a world
very sour...
of laughing children
with tears in their eyes
Where there is trust
but the other spies...
Of found love
& lost hope
of mountain hikes
on slippery slope
Where lovers dance
but only from a
distant glance
Oh dreamland hours
of ALL those flowers
Scattered on the trail
of freshly painted oil
Where the puppy's
paw steps to spoil
A girl hoping
nonchalant on a path,
Yet not willing to incur
nature's wrath
Picks them up &
into the air
Set's them free
with abandon & flare
I'm mildly saddened in
this vast dreamland
I fear that am suspended
on sinking sand
I see the colors
both bright & dull
And feel my words
mixed up in a swirl
I dare to say
that you should stay
but I don't want to
tempt fate & have my
way
So in this surreal
dreamland
I let myself drown
in the sinking sand.
Alli
because there is "too much stuff"
for example in your first stanza
Dreamland hours
of pink grass
& green flowers
raising their heads
to the yellow sky
where blue clouds
pass by...
I wonder how
orange rain
would feel on my
indigo skin?
Would it wash away
the white blood?
Or make my
purple eyes sad?
If you were reading this from an objective point, read it a few times
and see if you don't think you may have overused the colour schemes.
You used eight colours, are you describing a rainbow? Or how you feel?
I also feel you should try and find better words that rhyme , it
reads discombobulated, It's a good poem but it could be better.
Sometimes as they say less is best...you don't need so many words to
bring your thoughts across to the listening/reading audience.
A world of color
> Yet a world
> very sour...
> of laughing children
> with tears in their eyes
> Where there is trust
> but the other spies...
> Of found love
> & lost hope
> of mountain hikes
> on slippery slope
> Where lovers