[Putnawa's Blog] Heartache
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Putnawa
Sep 10, 2009, 6:07:48 AM9/10/09
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My most recent relationship has come to an end. I had high hopes, but it's clear to me now that it was wishful thinking.
In many ways, she is exactly what I'd want. It would be difficult to find someone who has so many of the qualities I find both attractive and necessary. Unfortunately, there's also a handful of things that I just don't know what to do with.
I thought I could provide the loving and supportive environment she would need to be her best self. Perhaps I fooled myself into thinking I know what her best self could look like, but I think it's more likely that she's interested in other goals. I suppose I could've changed my thinking about how I could be loving and supportive to better match her ideas, but many of the things she wasn't interested in "improving" were, ultimately, hurtful.
Sadly, I reacted to the perceived rejection of my love and support with my worst self. Jealousy, anger, control, and other self-destructive goodies bubbled to the surface, and are now tainting our friendship. At least on my end. She says she doesn't care, and I think I believe her. "I don't care," is a horrible thing to hear from someone you love.
So now I find myself needing to do the impossible: move on. Somewhere I have to find the part of my brain that wants to fix things, to save things, and turn it off. (I was going to type "kill it," but decided that may have been too dramatic and self-indulgent. As if a break-up post isn't self-indulgent enough.)
I feel diminished not having someone to care for. My self-image has taken another knock as I objectively evaluate my behavior in our relationship. I'm angry about the slights I've tolerated during our relationship, and those I'm experiencing now.
Two years ago I was going to take some time off from dating. I wanted to focus on work and graduate school and myself, creating the life I want for myself. And while I was thinking about all of this (and preparing to blog about it, of course), I browsed through the personals on Craigslist. And I saw her ad. I recognized her as someone I'd had a crush on for years, but who always dismissed me when I tried to talk to her. I think she had her sights on someone else at the time. Regardless, I talked myself into taking one last chance. What could it hurt, just one date to see how things might go? They went well. They were great. For most of the next eighteen months, they just got better. I miss those days, and regret that things have ended this way.
Now I grieve for what was, and what could have been. I put the good memories aside for better days, and try to learn the lessons from the difficult times. I get back to focusing on career and graduate school. And, eventually, I'll heal.
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Posted By Putnawa to Putnawa's Blog at 9/10/2009 02:50:00 AM
In many ways, she is exactly what I'd want. It would be difficult to find someone who has so many of the qualities I find both attractive and necessary. Unfortunately, there's also a handful of things that I just don't know what to do with.
I thought I could provide the loving and supportive environment she would need to be her best self. Perhaps I fooled myself into thinking I know what her best self could look like, but I think it's more likely that she's interested in other goals. I suppose I could've changed my thinking about how I could be loving and supportive to better match her ideas, but many of the things she wasn't interested in "improving" were, ultimately, hurtful.
Sadly, I reacted to the perceived rejection of my love and support with my worst self. Jealousy, anger, control, and other self-destructive goodies bubbled to the surface, and are now tainting our friendship. At least on my end. She says she doesn't care, and I think I believe her. "I don't care," is a horrible thing to hear from someone you love.
So now I find myself needing to do the impossible: move on. Somewhere I have to find the part of my brain that wants to fix things, to save things, and turn it off. (I was going to type "kill it," but decided that may have been too dramatic and self-indulgent. As if a break-up post isn't self-indulgent enough.)
I feel diminished not having someone to care for. My self-image has taken another knock as I objectively evaluate my behavior in our relationship. I'm angry about the slights I've tolerated during our relationship, and those I'm experiencing now.
Two years ago I was going to take some time off from dating. I wanted to focus on work and graduate school and myself, creating the life I want for myself. And while I was thinking about all of this (and preparing to blog about it, of course), I browsed through the personals on Craigslist. And I saw her ad. I recognized her as someone I'd had a crush on for years, but who always dismissed me when I tried to talk to her. I think she had her sights on someone else at the time. Regardless, I talked myself into taking one last chance. What could it hurt, just one date to see how things might go? They went well. They were great. For most of the next eighteen months, they just got better. I miss those days, and regret that things have ended this way.
Now I grieve for what was, and what could have been. I put the good memories aside for better days, and try to learn the lessons from the difficult times. I get back to focusing on career and graduate school. And, eventually, I'll heal.
--
Posted By Putnawa to Putnawa's Blog at 9/10/2009 02:50:00 AM
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