14th Feb 2007 Happy St Valentine's Day!
Gadzooks!
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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http://www.funny-ecards.com/cards/valentine/vday-balloon.html
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A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up,
she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he
said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to
his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of
dreams".
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Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're
right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a
woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que
(bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but,
he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short
so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get
married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance
designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a
convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting
to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend
half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair
Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never
be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war
stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out
anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours
of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of
your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park
(park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After
children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience
(pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to
remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have
dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself
lucky to get a card
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Hilarious Irish Gifts for
St. Patrick's Day
It doesn't
matter if you're Irish or not, we have gifts for everyone! Great for the St.
Patrick's Day parade or your local pub! Get into the Irish spirit with our
collection of hilarious gifts.
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Not just on Valentine’s Day;
I cherish you when flowers of spring
Appear in the midst of May.
When the air is filled with heat;
Without you in my life each day,
I wouldn’t be complete.
When leaves are turning gold;
I loved you when you were younger;
I’ll love you when you’re old.
When colder days are here;
I love you, love you all the time,
Every minute of the year.
But I want to let you know,
It’s not just today, but always,
That I will love you so.
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q. What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A. Stick with me and we'll go places!
.
Q. What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A. Hog and kisses!
.
Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A. Sure, they're very scent-imental!
.
Q. What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A. "I'm sweet on you!"
.
Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. "I find you very attractive."
.
Q. What did one pickle say to the other?
A. "You mean a great dill to me."
.
Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A. "I love you a ton!"
.
Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. "You're fun to hang around with."
.
Q. Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A. He fell in love with a pin cushion!
.
Q. What did the pencil say to the paper?
A. "I dot my i's on you!"
.
Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. "I love you a whole watt!"
.
Q. What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A. Ughs and kisses!
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Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Atlas.
Atlas who?
Atlas
Valentine's Day is here!
http://www.myfavoriteezines.com
http://www.jokeworm.com/quotes/
Jokeworm's Random Cute Pic
http://www.jokeworm.com/cutepics/
http://www.jokeworm.com/facts/
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