23rd Feb 2007
Gadzooks!
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27. When a Teacher asks you: "Why do you have so much trouble answering my questions?", in High School you reply "If it was easy for me, I wouldn't be in school!" In College you reply "I'm still hungover from Saturday night."
26. When a Teacher asks: "Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?" A wise-ass High School Student will typically reply: 12! January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... A College student will reply, "I told you, I'm still hungover from Saturday night."
25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
20. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)
17. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.
10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
5. College men are cuter than high school boys.
4. College women are mature.
3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip... uh, sick that day.
2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
Chief: Of course not! He's a Friar.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other,
"Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law."
The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes."
A cannibal student was suspended from school....
It seems he was buttering up his teacher
Q: Why don't Cannibals eat Lawyers?
A: Professional Courtesy!
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one!”
Cat User's Manual
CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous
Tester Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
Features:
- User Friendly
- Low Power CPU
- Self Portable Operation
- Dual Video and Audio Input
- Audio Output
- Auto Search Capability for Input Data
- Auto Search for Output Bin
- Auto Learn Program in ROM
- Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Full Power and Standby Mode
- Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
- Wide Operating Temperature Range
- Mouse Driven
- Self Cleaning
Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM
programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this
period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation between
individual units. Some of the units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's
quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage
rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import
restrictions.
Transportation:
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the
operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage
to the unit and serious injury to the user.
Installation Procedures:
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify
that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user should look
for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production
environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT to operation
in an environment temperature of 20deg C(+/- 3deg tolerance). Use a quiet room
with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT
unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program by displaying the output
bin. The next step consists in displaying the input bins. These should contain
H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets.
Immediately afterwards, you must display the output bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be
possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or
two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows,
the CAT will autoswitch to sleep( ) mode. This is normal. The MMU system will
store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be
interacting with the operating environment. The unit may often be placed in
direct sunlight. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT
system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability
comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the
site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate
CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may
lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port
across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors are never recoverable.
Such situations are not covered by warranties. If you decide to let your CAT
out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated until
the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring
the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as
well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is
effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. The
manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.
Applications:
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are few
productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their system for game
playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing
decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some of the better CAT
games are:
CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the
object code must be smaller.
MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself.
Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
STRING
The CAT attempts to parse a data string.
JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights
of operation.
CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as
one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
DANCE and SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
Maintenance:
CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs are
self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with
alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.
A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive
Technician) for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no
user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it
should be serviced immediately by a VET.
You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female
scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic
aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued
by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an
internal part.
Caution:
CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented
situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction
of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto defense mechanisms. Do not
strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin
connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds. Children should not poke
anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.
In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To
avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT
above water. This may lead to end-user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing
it by its "tail".
Service Life:
As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation.
The CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on many CAT units is
defective. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as
bird watching or studying tropical fish.
If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal
service. Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need the
extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.
User Groups:
CAT users can find other users on the net news group called rec.pets.cats.
Lifetime Warranty:
The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are
included.
Specifications:
- Models Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry).
- Interface Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
- Memory 16 MB with 1 MB in ROM. Upgrades available real soon now.
- Expected Lifetime 12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common).
- Weight 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
- Speed 3 milliseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.
- Color Graphics Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 gigabits of high resolution pixels.
- Sound Chip 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
- Power Consumption 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
- Operating Range -30 to +45deg C (-22 to 105)
- Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table ! Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three ni! ghts; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be sorted.
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