Queen Of The Damned T Shirt

[Oswalda Shutte]

Iguess he ODs on Aaliyah-blood because then Marius finds him passed out and is super pissed and jealous, either because Aaliyah let Lestat blood-suck her or because Lestat, a straight vampire, is wildly horned-up for Aaliyah. Possibly both? Anyway, he chains Lestat up and then fully peaces out with his catatonic vampire monarchs never to be heard from again.

The movie ends with Lestat and Jesse straightly walking away into straight vampire eternity or whatever. Rock on, precious mall goths! Never let anyone like me stop you from loving the terrible stuff what you love! Also, R.I.P. Aaliyah!

I wish I could tell you what happened in Hollyweird between Neil Jordan\u2019s macabre-gorgeous Interview With the Vampire and\u2026this. But I imagine it went something like: \u201CAAAAACCKKKK! TOO GAY! UUUUUUUGGGHHHHH! WHAT NOOWWWW?!?\u201D

Seriously, imagine for a moment the game of movie development hell telephone that gets us from Anne Rice\u2019s 1988 velvet-draped melodrama about a pansexual vampire who becomes a New Romantics era rock star to\u2026Korn lead singer Jonathan Davis, a white man with dreadlocks, who did all the music for this movie.

I mean, do I wish there had been a more direct sequel to the first film starring Prince of Dianetics Tom Cruise prancing about in his blonde wig? \u2026No? But\u2026this aggressively straight-washed, nu metal drenched ode to mall goths? I mean\u2026there are for sure more homophobic things that happened in the early 21st Century, so\u2026 IDK\u2026

The film opens with Lestat, an immortal not blonde anymore 100% straight vampire, voiceovering about how hard it is being alive all the time, so he had to take a nap, which is how I feel by 1pm basically every day, so that\u2019s very relatable. But then one night in 2002, he wakes up and decides to be in a nu metal band. Ugh! NO! Stay asleep through this, you hot green-faced dummy! Clearly, he didn\u2019t see those documentaries about Woodstock \u201999 due to being buried in a grave. Too bad he didn\u2019t wake up in New York and join the Yeah Yeah Yeahs or The Strokes or something. ALL OF THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED!

Right away he convinces some Hot Topic goths that he is a for real vampire with his cold green skin and by moving around real fast. He also impresses them with his cat noise making and they decide to let him \u201Csing\u201D in their band instead of murdering them all.

Immediately, they are world famous and having a press conference to announce their big rock music recital in DEATH VALLEY\u2014get it? Because they\u2019re super freaky goths who are total rebel death freaks? For some reason, instead of showing up, Lestat decides to just Zoom the press conference, looking even more green than ever, and all the serious rock music journalists are like, \u201CAren\u2019t you worried about all the other vampires being mad at you for putting all their biznass in your videos?\u201D

But Lestat is like, \u201CI just want all my murderer friends to come hang out with meeeeeee!\u201D See, Lestat is very lonely. So\u2026that\u2019s his plan: annoy all the vampires with his terrible music until they are his friends again.

Later, Lestat\u2019s doofus manager or whatever brings these two lady fans to Lestat\u2019s house for him, our supposed romantic hero, to brutally murder. Does\u2026the dumb manager realize he\u2019s enabling a sadistic murderer? Also unclear, but I have a feeling Lestat would not do well post-#MeToo.

Cut to Jesse, a red head lady who is sensibly doing her post-graduate degree in Paranormal Vampire Investigating with a concentration in early 2000s goth fashion at Talamasca University or whatever. Also, she has these recurring dreams about how she grew up in a temple filled with creepy dolls and also vampires. One of them is her Aunt Maharet, also a red head, who one day realizes that a nocturnal vampire cult is no place to raise a child, so she sends baby Jesse away forever to who knows where. But not before crying blood tears which baby Jesse completely normally wants to lick. I mean, whom among us as little tots wasn\u2019t like, \u201CLet me lick up your tears, adult caregiver! Oh, they\u2019re blood? Even better!\u201D

So one night, adult Jesse is watching MTV News ice queen icon Serena Altschul on TV and realizes suddenly that Lestat really is a for real vampire. The next day, she tells all her Vampire Studies advisors that she\u2019s found a vampire bar. But then David, the dean of the Talamasca\u2019s College of Dracula Arts and Sciences, is like \u201CNo no no, don\u2019t go to there!\u201D

But that\u2019s not all! Marius also owned these two mint condition statues of the ancient king and queen of all vampires. Except they\u2019re not really statues, they\u2019re Aaliyah and some guy she was married to (not R. Kelly!) and they\u2019re actually alive but too bored to ever move again. (Honestly, same.) One night, while Marius is out doing his painting on the beach, Lestat finds the statues and decides to play the violin that he recently stole from a Roma lady he murdered and knows how to play expertly all of a sudden. Aaliyah is like, \u201CHubba hubba, who is this random white boy green-faced gentleman???\u201D So, she offers him her wrist, which he bites and suddenly sees all this bad music video B-roll footage for some reason.

Back in 2002, Jesse gets all dressed up like Inuit Bj\u00F6rk and sneaks into that vampire bar. Some mean goth vampires who are all into rubber are like, \u201CGet out of here NERD!\u201D But Lestat happens to also be there and saves her from getting gang murdered by them.

Back in L.A., Lestat voiceovers that no one was noticing how much murders he was doing due to how much murdering was already happening in the \u201Ccity of lost angels.\u201D Two things: 1) That\u2019s not what \u201CLos Angeles\u201D translates to, is it? 2) Crime stats for L.A. in 2002???

Then Marius shows up like, \u201CHiiiiiiii, old friend! I hear you\u2019re rich (???) and famous now!\u201D So, probably Lestat has to put him on payroll as his \u201Cspiritual adviser\u201D or whatever. Marius is like, \u201CI slept through 1950s due to how gay I always look and missed out on Elvis.\u201D Because ELVIS PRESLEY is 100% a thing nu metal mall goth vampires care about. Then later when they are sitting on some scaffolding in front of a huge billboard of Lestat\u2019s crotch, Marius is like, \u201COh BTW, Aaliyah is up and she murdered that guy she sat next to for a billion years, soooooo WATCH OUT!\u201D

Meanwhile, Jesse has raided a Hot Topic to disguise herself as a groupie and gets that dumb manager guy to take her to be murdered at Lestat\u2019s house. But instead Lestat just takes her out on a date? Turns out Jesse also has a big crush on Lestat and wants him to make her his straight vampire girlfriend. But Lestat thinks she\u2019s too precious as an alive person, so then he kills some random not precious at all lady (what is the criteria for \u201Cprecious\u201D exactly?) in front of her and she\u2019s like, \u201CYIKES! NEVER MIND!\u201D and Lestat flies away again.

The next night, it is Vampire Burning Man, and everyone is there! Every mall goth in the world, Marius, Jesse, Talamasca provost David giving big \u201CI brought my daughter to this concert\u201D energy, some vampire thugs who want to murder Lestat, plus Aunt Maharet with a bunch of \u201Cancient\u201D vampires who are supposed to be Armand, Pandora, Mael, and Khayman from the book\u2014but none of them get to do much of anything so they might as well be called Debbie, Mark, Stan, and Hugh.

While Lestat is lip-syncing for his life to some Korn songs, the vampire thugs attack him, so he and Marius\u2026do some vampire kung fu on them? (Do all vampires know kung fu?) But then Aaliyah spontaneously combusts all of them and flies away with Lestat.

She takes him to some island where she tells him that he has to be her king now, because he lives his life OUT AND PROUD as a straight nu metal rock star. LOL this movie is like STRAIGHT PRIDE! Then they have a bath and do lots of straight blood drinking sex. (Also, why does Aaliyah sound like she\u2019s talking through a metal pipe in this movie?)

Somewhere else, Jesse wakes up in that vampire doll temple, but this time it\u2019s not a dream. Aunt Maharet is like, \u201CGuess what, Aaliyah made me a vampire billions of years ago, but first I had a daughter and I\u2019ve been stalking her descendants ever since and you, Jesse, are one of them.\u201D Cool cool cool. No follow-up Qs. Then it\u2019s sunrise and Maharet is like, \u201CLet\u2019s put a pin in all that, bye!\u201D

Back on that island, Lestat wakes up and discovers that 1) there are no more shirts left on earth and 2) he can be in the daytime now because of drinking Aaliyah\u2019s blood. But also, she\u2019s been busy murdering everyone on that island, so maybe she\u2019s not so cowabunga after all?

Meanwhile, all the ancient vampires are like, \u201CSooooooo, what now?\u201D And Aunt Maharet is like, \u201CI guess we just wait around for Aaliyah to come over and then we suck out all her blood so she dies.\u201D Which is actually a great plan because literally the next thing that happens is Aaliyah and Lestat (still shirtless + jewelry) show up.

Then she tells Lestat to murder Jesse to prove that he loves her (Aaliyah), which he\u2026does? So much for her preciousness! As a reward Aaliyah lets him have a little slurp on her wrist blood. But TWIST! Lestat makes gay-bait murder eyes at Marius and all the ancient vampires start biting Aaliyah too! Some of them blow up in flames, but also some of them don\u2019t I guess because Aaliyah is dying? Then Aunt Maharet sucks the last of Aaliyah\u2019s magic blood, which makes Aaliyah get suddenly airbrushed black and her hair disappears and then she disintegrates and\u2026that\u2019s the end of her, the most powerful vampire ever.

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