The Real Story Behind Rudolph

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Daniel Brady

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Dec 24, 2010, 5:41:15 AM12/24/10

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There’s a song that starts with the words, “You know Dasher and Dancer; Prancer and Vixen; Comet and Cupid; Donner and Blitzen; But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?”

What a stupid question. If he is the most famous reindeer of all, then of course we remember him. That’s like asking someone if they know that George Washington was the first President of the United States. Only an idiot would not know that.

So it’s a just plain stupid question to begin with. But then there’s the fact that, with everyone singing this song and incessantly playing it on the radio, even if I wanted to forget said reindeer with the red nose, they won’t let me!

Which brings me to my next point. Has anyone ever stopped to consider why Rudolph’s nose is red? While all the other reindeer are out playing decent reindeer games, he’s back at the barn, boozing it up. Let’s face it, Rudolph is a drunk. Then, when he does decide he wants to join the rest of them, the only game he wants to play is “Pin the Antlers on Santa.” It’s no wonder the other reindeer laugh at him.

Speaking of Santa, this song of ours really makes him out to be a fool when you think about it. On a dark, foggy night, the last person I’d want guiding my sleigh is a drunk reindeer. Particularly when it has been reported that Rudolph already has 5 F.W.I.’s on his record. That’s right, F.W.I.—Flying While Intoxicated. And the last time, he was going the wrong way in a one-way flight pattern. He nearly ran into a 747!

Now, do you remember the song, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”? Guess who ran grandma over. That’s right. It was Rudolph. On that night, there was no fog, so Santa didn’t need him. He was sitting at home, with nothing to do. The elves had finished their work for the year and were having a party. They invited Rudolph. He got drunk and decided to go out flying around, just for fun. In his drunken stupor, he decided it would be fun to buzz a traffic control tower. When they called the FAA, Rudolph decided to take his little party to the ground. He went blindly running through the woods, across a couple meadows, and even down Main St. in a small Midwest town. Of course, he wasn’t watching where he was going. Then, all of a sudden…WHAM! He ran right into grandma. The poor woman never had a chance.

And I suppose you never heard about the sexual harassment case Vixen filed against him, either, did you? Apparently, on at least two occasions, when Santa had gone down the chimney to deliver gifts, Rudolph made a pass at her—while they were on the clock! There she was, the only female reindeer on the crew, trying to prove herself, and she had to put up with something like that. Rudolph may be the only one with a red nose, but all of the reindeer were pretty red-faced that night. I’ll guarantee it.

As it turns out, Rudolph and Vixen had been dating for a while earlier that year. However, she was getting tired of him coming home drunk all the time. Things got really nasty when he began to suspect she was seeing Donner on the side. One night, he came home in a drunken rage. He got violent, and she had to turn him in for Doe-mestic violence. Then on Christmas Eve, like I said, he made a pass at her, hoping they could get back together again.

I think what disturbs me most is that this all points to how liberal our society has become. Here we have this alcoholic, violent, womanizing reindeer, and what do we do? We’ve turned him into some kind of a folk hero. I tell you, it makes me just about as sick as an elf who’s had way too much egg nog!