Emily: Wendy, let’s dive straight into a question that many couples wrestle with: Do you think it’s actually possible to turn an unhappy relationship around into a happy one?
Wendy: I absolutely do! Humans are incredibly adaptable, and if we tap into our will, we can decide to abandon the bad habits — like chronic yelling — that erode an otherwise good relationship. Yelling might appear to be a permanent problem, but it’s actually just a learned behavior, and anything learned can be unlearned. Most folks have control over it; for instance, they don’t yell at their boss, or else they’d be fired on the spot!
So the real question isn’t “can an unhappy relationship be turned around,” but rather “is change possible?” I say yes, but only if both partners are committed, intentional, and consistent with their behavior moving forward. A healthy partnership is a shared responsibility; if only one person puts in the effort, the toxic dynamic won't change. Everyone needs to do their part for things to go well.
Emily: That makes complete sense. You talk a lot about validation in your work. Why is getting consistent appreciation for what we do in our relationships so fundamentally important?
Wendy: Getting appreciation in a relationship is exactly like putting premium gas in a luxury car — it’s the fuel that allows the gears to run at their absolute optimum levels. Deep acknowledgment of our efforts is what keeps us providing for one another. Without it, we are essentially running on an empty tank, which causes resentment to build up fast and things to grind to a painful halt.
A lack of appreciation creates a massive deficit that makes us feel completely overworked and entirely unseen, which is the ultimate affinity killer. Over-providing without acknowledgment causes a toxic downward spiral in any good relationship. Turning that spiral around later is arduous and time-consuming — way more so than simply taking a moment to appreciate your partner in the first place!
Emily: In this course, you introduce a practice where you give us six specific questions to ask our partner every month. What is the significance of these questions?
Wendy: The six monthly questions offer an intimate, connective way to do some vital "light housekeeping" in a relationship. The truth is, there’s never a perfect time to talk about hurt feelings or negative situations, so they usually get swept right under the rug. We might claim it's water under the bridge, but these little "affinity thieves" stay there, collecting dust until we actively drag them out into the light together.
These targeted questions are designed to identify and clear away hidden misunderstandings before they grow, allowing couples to negotiate new deals so everyone stays on the same page. They get straight to the heart of a relationship by uncovering what each person truly needs and values. Ultimately, they help partners create the necessary space to genuinely appreciate the unique things each person brings to the table.
Emily: I love that idea of regular relationship housekeeping. Tell us a bit about how you structured your course. Is this program only helpful for people who are currently in a long-term, traditional relationship?
Wendy: This 10-day course was purposely designed for literally everyone, regardless of gender, orientation, relationship structure, or current status. Even though I mention partnership often, a huge portion of this work applies beautifully to single life or alternative configurations. After all, most of the work we do within relationships is actually the work we do on ourselves.
I first got involved in this field over 20 years ago when I was going through my own divorce and wanted to understand partnership better so I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes. My own journey showed me how important it is to meet people exactly where they are. If you want to level up your relationship skills and overall emotional intelligence, this can be taken as a solo journey, alongside a partner, or workshopped in a group.
Emily: That inclusivity is wonderful. To wrap things up, what is some of the most unexpected feedback you’ve received from students who have put these tools to work?
Wendy: While these high-level tools are primarily tailored for romantic partnerships, using them will radically improve all of your connections. Many participants take my workshops solely to build a better bond with their spouse, only to discover that their communication also dramatically improves with their siblings, difficult coworkers, or their teenage children!
I even have clients who use these six monthly questions to strengthen their closest friendships. I frequently get feedback from parents who are thrilled that they finally understand their tight-lipped teenagers better and are getting real conversations out of them instead of shrugs. When you learn to communicate with deep emotional intelligence, every single relationship in your life levels up.
