Fwd: Federal Troops Arrive in Portland and Immediately Form Bands
Betsy Jeronen
Begin forwarded message:
From: The Borowitz Report <borowit...@substack.com>
Date: September 27, 2025 at 11:57:11 AM PDT
To: jerone...@gmail.com
Subject: Federal Troops Arrive in Portland and Immediately Form Bands
Reply-To: The Borowitz Report <reply+2w0jnd&4q484c&&67fcc465d4f22defbbe2f691e8cf07a0...@mg1.substack.com>
Tatiana Nekrasova PORTLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s latest use of the military against US citizens backfired spectacularly on Saturday after Federal troops arrived in Portland, Oregon and immediately formed indie bands.
Across the city, personnel who were until recently members of the military were seen at pawn shops, trading in their automatic weapons for mandolins and zithers.
Within minutes, Portland’s bulletin boards became plastered with flyers for such newly-minted bands as The Kristi Nomads and Hegadeth.
As the city’s sidewalks transformed into an obstacle course of harmonica-blowing buskers, one longtime Portland resident commented, “We didn’t need Federal troops, but we really didn’t need more bands.”
Flyer seen on the bulletin board of Matchagasm, a local establishment.
As corporate media continue to bend their knee to our senile wannabe dictator, I have never been more grateful that I don’t work for one of these craven companies. I work for you.
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© 2025 Andy Borowitz
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