cat funnies
Jeanie
The below document was found in a rare book store in New York.
Purportedly the curator of the store had purchased it from the "Cat
Lady" who was an eccentric elderly lady from the lower east side who
had over 100 cats in her eight bedroom home.
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it
is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside"
door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow,
or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.
HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping."
Following are the rules for "helping:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as
to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to
doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
to come up behind the newspaper and jump on it Humans love to be
surprised this way.
5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
across arms, helping the typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something
in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move
around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter
out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter
between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love)
thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a
treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face, turn around, and present your rear end to them. Humans
love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.