Communication tips

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Power of Positive Talk

I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young
age. Not
only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental
pictures,
but he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong
success.

One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a
kid, I
was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside
down
from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my
dad to
find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My
little
eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree could break or I could
get
hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so high.

My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on
the
first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also noticed
us at
the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind came
over the
tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin to
sway. I
remember my dad's voice over the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly."
So I
did. The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her
lungs,
laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.

I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell
and I
did not. Apparently, when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind, she
yelled
out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did... fall.

My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time
processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal
pictures
cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the
command of
not falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first imagine falling,
then try
to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my
eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal image of me hanging on
tightly.

This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a
habit
or set a goal . You can't visualize not doing something. The only way
to
properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for
what
you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I was thirteen
years
old, I played for my junior high school football team. I tried so hard
to be
good, but I just couldn't get it together at that age. I remember
hearing
the words run through my head as I was running out for a pass, "Don't
drop
it!" Naturally, I dropped the ball.

My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "self-talk."
They just
thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I'll never make it
pro,
but I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football player, because
all my
internal dialogue is positive and encourages me to win. I wish my dad
had
coached me playing football instead of just climbing trees. I might
have had
a longer football career.



Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends
the
power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it
to
them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them, "Okay, try
to drop
the pencil." Observe what they do.

Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor.
You
respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil.
Now
please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend
to be
in excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the
pencil.

The point is made.

If you tell your brain you will "give it a try," you are actually
telling
your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in my house and with
everyone I
interact with. Either people will do it or they won't. Either they
will be
at the party or they won't. I'm brutal when people attempt to lie to
me by
using the word try. Do they think I don't know they are really
telegraphing
to the world they have no intention of doing it but they want me to
give
them brownie points for pretended effort? You will never hear the
words
"I'll try" come out of my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a
seminar.

If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission
not to
succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the truth.
"Sorry
John. I'm not sure if I will be at your party or not. I've got an
outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be here.
Otherwise, I
will not. Thanks for the invite."

People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.

My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen
positive
statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is
true,
but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments to
offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.

These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.



Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how
many
criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We
all
have internal voices that give us direction.

So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you shortchanging
yourself
with toxic self-talk like, " I'm fat. Nobody will like me. I'll try
this
diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke, etc. etc."

If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong
statement,
imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with
your own
internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words.

Notice when you or other people use them.

Ø But: Negates any words that are stated before it.
Ø Try: Presupposes failure.
Ø If: Presupposes that you may not.
Ø Might: It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your
listener.
Ø Would Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually
happen.
Ø Should Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen (and implies guilt.)
Ø Could Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually
happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.
Ø Can't/Don't: These words force the listener to focus on exactly the
opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and
coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.

Examples:
Toxic phrase: "Don't drop the ball!"
Likely result: Drops the ball
Better language: "Catch the ball!"

Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television."
Likely result: Watches more television.
Better language: "I read too much television makes people stupid. You
might
find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books
more
often!"

Exercise: Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a
daily
basis or any Toxic self-talk that you have noticed yourself using.
Write
these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur
and
chan