Nikki Coming Out As Trans
Catherine Rubeo
The pandemic changed everything. I genuinely thought we were all going to eventually die of COVID. In fear of the collapse of American society, I built a panic room on the top floor of our house, which included physical barriers to slow down intruders and a chain ladder for escape. I was terrified that I would be unable to protect my family from evil. One night, during a profoundly intense panic attack, I lay in bed shaking uncontrollably. I was convinced I would die but I found myself paralyzed, unable to ask for help. I came out of it shaken to my core but with new confidence in my path and realized this was finally my chance to examine myself fully. After my time working for hospice care, I saw many deathbed regrets and I knew it was time to pivot my path.
I moved out in January 2022 and started hormones for gender transition to female. I went alone and cried incredible tears of joy. It felt like the nurse had injected sunshine into my thigh, and I wanted everything it was promising me. July 10th I will be 6 months on hormones, and it has been the best era of my life. Becoming true to oneself is essential to honoring your soul and the best gift you have to others is being 100% genuine.
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Throughout their journey, Hiltz has received considerable support from their partner and fellow runner Emma Gee, who published a coming out story with Outsports in 2019. After Hiltz made their gender identity public, Gee posted a heartwarming tribute on Instagram:
As a visible out trans athlete, Hiltz realized there is power and responsibility in what they do, motivating themselves with the mantra: If you win, you will be seen. The camera follows the athlete in the lead, the interview goes to the athlete who wins.
American middle-distance runner Nikki Hiltz used the occasion of Transgender Day of Visibility to announce on Instagram they identify as trans and nonbinary. Hiltz had previously come out as gay while in college and has been a visible and affirming presence for gay athletes in the past. Now, she hopes her revelation will help bring greater visibility and affirmation to trans athletes afraid of living truthfully and openly.
The middle-distance runner with their eyes on the Tokyo Summer Olympics said sometimes she awakens "feeling like a powerful queen" while other times they are "just a guy being a dude." And then there are times they feel entirely outside the gender binary altogether.
"Posting this is both exciting and terrifying but I am and always will be a firm believer that vulnerability and visibility are essential in creating social change and acceptance," she explained. "So here I am, once again, coming out of a closet to be my true authentic self," referring to previously coming out as gay seven years ago at the age of 19.
While she experienced some negative comments from the public after that earlier revelation, the overwhelming response was positive. Plus, they soon learned that they were running for something greater than trophies and recognition, but to inspire and empower others.
"I was at a meet one time and this dad approached me right before the race and said, 'I want you to know that my daughter just came out to me and she said she saw Nikki Hiltz do it and if she can be out and proud, so could she,'" Hiltz explained via Team USA last year. "During that race I thought I'm doing it for more kids like that so more kids can see me. I feel like I have this superpower that none of my competitors have in that I have this whole community behind me and supporting me."
Hiltz placed that responsibility to the community front and center when her 2020 Olympics dreams were placed on hold due to the global pandemic. Rather than sulk, she instead used the downtime to organize a virtual 5k Pride run in conjunction with Golden Coast Track Club in San Diego where she trains.
"Today I can be visible because of the many Trans folks who have paved the way for me," Hiltz posted. "So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you and happy trans day of visibility to my beautiful and powerful trans family."
Hiltz came out as a nonbinary, transgender person right before the Olympic trials in 2021. They wanted to walk away from the sport in 2021 after expecting a weight to be lifted. But it was the opposite. Hiltz mentioned that they didn't set out to be an advocate for LGBTQ rights, but were forced into the spotlight after coming out as trans-nonbinary.
ABC NEWS: Mid-distance runner Nikki Hiltz is headed to the Olympic Games this summer in Paris, all while fighting an endurance race on another front. A forthcoming documentary about Nikki explains why.
ABC NEWS: Thanks so much for joining us, Nikki. You said after that race, you thought you were saying goodbye to your Olympic dreams. Then on Sunday you qualified for the Olympics in the 1500 meters, taking the lead in the last 60 meters at the finish line. You earned the second fastest time by an American runner ever. Walk us through that feeling. Walk us through this journey of yours.
NIKKI HILTZ: Yeah. I mean, you said it perfectly. It's, it's definitely been a journey. At the end of the last Olympic trials in 2021, I, like you said, I wanted to walk away from the sport completely. And, you know, I just, I just changed a lot of things in my life and showed some patience. And then, yeah, the hard work all paid off, and. yeah, that feeling was just joy when I crossed the finish line.
ABC NEWS: I bet you've said that you didn't really set out to be an advocate for LGBTQ rights, but were forced into the spotlight after coming out as trans nonbinary. Why is that visibility so important to you?
HILTZ: Yeah. I mean, I just feel so grateful for all the queer and trans people who have come before me. And so now it's kind of like, I want to be that for the next generation. And yeah, it's it's hard to be something that you can't see. And so I just think representation and visibility is what helped me so much growing up. So, yeah, I just want to do that for even just one kid who watches the Olympics, maybe sees themselves in me, like it'll be all worth it.
ABC NEWS: Representation certainly does matter. Now, if you can imagine a perfect future in which your sport and professional sports broadly embraces athletes of all gender identities, what changes would that require?
HILTZ: Yeah. I mean, it's just an ongoing conversation. For me, just a lot more inclusive language has been really helpful. You know, announcers, broadcasters using my correct pronouns, referring to, you know, people in my event as, \"Here are the athletes competing in the women's 1500\" instead of, \"Here are the women 1500 runners.\"
Just little changes like that I think we can all do, to yeah, just make spaces and sports just a safer place for all and allowing everyone to show up as themselves. Because when we can show up as ourselves, that's when, you know, our dreams can come true.
HILTZ: I would encourage people to educate themselves. You know, the guidelines that are in place now, a trans woman can't compete until they've taken, I think it's a year or more of HRT, which is hormone replacement therapy. And, you know, it's, I think it's a fair guideline. And, yeah, I think there's a lot of ignorance right now. As someone who has competed in women's sports my entire career, there's a lot of issues in it, but trans woman is not one of them, and I don't think that we need protecting from them.
HILTZ: Yeah, just focus on the next goal. And I think I'm really excited for the opening ceremonies. You know, I tried on all the Ralph Lauren stuff a couple of days ago, and, yeah, that just really got me excited to just be in Paris and and meet other members of Team USA across all the different many sports.
ABC NEWS: Such a wonderful experience. We are so excited to see you compete. We hope to have you back on soon. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and really best of luck to you in Paris.
You were sponsored by Adidas coming out of college in 2018 until earlier this year. Knowing that athletes depend on sponsorship as a way to have a more reliable income and to help with the cost of training and events, it's huge to nail that kind of partnership so early in your professional career. How long did you run unsponsored, and what were some of the challenges that came with that?
For me, representation is huge. The more I can be seen, the more trans kids out there can see themselves in a sport that maybe they love too. Lululemon using their platform to showcase me as a trans athlete will only help.
Jake Kulaw is a white transman born in Buffalo New York, who now lives in Portland Maine. His pronouns are he, him, his. Jake is a high school health teacher in Portland Maine, who is an activist and is involved in community engagement. He is passionate about teaching high school students on LGBTQ+ identities and safe sex. He talks first on his childhood and feeling like he was born in the wrong body. He had a lot of depression and turned to drugs and alcohol in high school and received substance abuse treatment in Albany New York. He talks on coming out as a butch lesbian to his mother and his experience feeling like he did not belong in the butch lesbian community. He has recently come out as a transman and has started transitioning. He shares his experiences with discrimination in the workplace as a former butch lesbian teacher from other staff and his superiors. He expresses concerns about the Trump administration and LBGTQ+ rights. He closes with advice for young trans people who have or may not have come out yet, highlighting building strong friendships.
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