PINOY'S CHRISTMAS JOKES

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

can anyone share some filipino x-mas jokes, for example:
attending simbang gabi, carolling or visiting ninangs and ninongs na
tago ng tago every x-mas time. This joke will be sent to all pinoy
bloggers worldwide, you might find your long lost friends. GOOD LUCK

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Praying for 10 Pesos
Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na
nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung
piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib
sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag
ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang,
narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito
at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at
muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo
sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong
pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

THIS IS COURTESY OF
__boy balakubak
London, UK

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Bakit daw bawal?
Noon (bago ika-11 ng Setyembre, 2001), bakit daw bawal gumamit ng kahit
anong may lubid, kahit sapatos na may sintas?

Dahil may TALI BAN noong panahong iyon.

HEHHEHEHE

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

OPEN-MINDED
PASYENTE: Doc, bakit ganito ang resulta ng operasyon ko sa ulo?? Halos
kita na ang utak ko!!!
DOC: OK lang yan! Yan ang bagong technique na tinatawag na
OPEN-MINDED!!!

COURTESY IF

edmonyo2000

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Erap's Dictionary
Erap defines Pathology as a study of ducks.

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Bakat Na

Isang araw nakita kitang umiiyak sa ulan......

Sumigaw ako at sabi ko "umalis ka dyan!"

Sabi mo, "wala kang pakialam! Dito lang ako!"

Tumawa ako sabay sabi,

"SHUNGA! IYONG DEDE MO BAKAT NA!"

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

DOING SEX BY PROFESSION
Doing sex by profession: Doctors do it in order; DJs do it by request;
Dentists do it orally; Medreps do it with samples; Nurses do it by
rounds; Accountants do it without losing their balance; but call center
agents are the best because they do it whenever you call.

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
The FINALISTS :

Miss America
Miss Spain
Miss Britain
Miss Philippines
Miss Iran
Miss India
Miss Japan

QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. AMERICA : Well, I would say that male organs in America are like
gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA : Because it stands everytime it sees a woman.....

(Applause!.... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. SPAIN : Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own
bullfight.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN : Because it charges everytime it sees an opening.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors
and Heroes.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance and because it
is buried alive.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. INDIA : Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a
labourer.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA : Because it works day and night....

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Japan, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MISS JAPAN: It's like an actor in a stage play....because it bows down
after every performance.

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, opcors, hihihihi...I can say dat male
organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in
our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS.PHILIPPINES : Ayy...Dyahe!!!!Hi hi hi hi hi hi...Kasi....I mean
because it passes from mouth to mouth..

(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

ay! napahiya... =p
Biglang umulan ng malakas habang naglalakad
si Alfred kaya't nakisilong muna sya sa
isang bahay. "Amang, mukhang gutom na
gutom ho kayo, bakit di ho muna kayo
kumain ng niluto kong kamote", sabi kay
alfred ng tinuluyan. Ayun nga, lumamon
sya ng lumamon. *burp* , tunog nya.
"Ito at tumila na ang ulan, maraming
salamat sa lahat." sabi ni Alfred.
Malapit na sya ng bahay ng kanyang matanaw
ang kanyang misis. "Honey, bakit ngayon
ka lang?, eh hindi na nga bale, halika
at meron akong surprise sa 'yo". Nilagyan
ni misis ng blinfold si Alfred. "Hwag na
hwag kang sisilip kahit anong mangyari,
kungdi ay lagot ka sa akin!" Pumasok na
silang dalawa sa loob at sinarado na ang
pinto ng biglang nag-ring ang telepono.
"O Honey, wait lang muna ha, sagutin ko
tong phone, remember, hwag sisilip!"
Naiwan na si Alfred pero biglang sumakit
ang kanyang tyan, siguro ito ay dahil sa
paglamon nya ng kamote. tinaas nya ang
kanyang paa at doon nilabas ang masamang
hangin, prrtttt....kasing amoy ng bagok na
itlog. Pinaypayan nya ito para hindi maamoy
ng kangyang misis. bratat tat tat tat tat tat....nautot na naman sya,
kaya sige paypay
na naman. sige lang at utot sya ng utot
dahil di nya mapigilan. "bye" rinig nya
galing sa boses ng kanyang misis, so
pinigilan na nya ang pag-uutot. "hindi
ka ba sumilip???" sambit ni misis.
"hindi ah!, hinding hindi". "okay then,
mabuti naman" (si misis uli). "Buksan mo
na ang blindfold mo"
binuksan na nya, at nandoon nakabulagta
ang sampung bisitang nakaupo sa paligid nya. "SURPRISE!!!!" sabi ni
misis.

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Sex in Español
What is sex in Español? "Vamos tumba la cama, entrada mi picoy tu
fuerta, con atras abante; no pwersa pero sige rapido birada, cargada
cemilya todo discarga..ole!!

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Dngerous to your health
GOVT WARNING: Eating female's organ is dangerous to your health bcoz
its 5% urine, 3% acidic, 2% fat & 90% addictive. Hehehe. Eat
moderately.

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Pinoy Poem
Thing none knew see in die
Who bought, who bad
The hill key none taught see in die
Last fog see in die

Fog must done knew see who one
Thin knee tea gas sun
Cash sea see in die
Who bought, who bad
Bull ball money peace.

In knee love bus knee who one
Dean act money in die
Key knee league see who one
The hill be not tea knee in die
Knee love as son see who one
Be thin see in die!

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

grabe ang pinoy
ang intsik pag nangligaw sa umaga pero ang pinoy pag nanligaw di na
uuwi doon na na22log

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

pinakabagong salawikain ng pilipino
pinakabagong salawikain ng pilipino

*An apple a day... makes efren bata reyes and ronnie alcano cry
everyday.(they have NO TEETH)
*Aanhin pa ang damo, kung patay na c diego.
*Kapag maiksi ang kumot.. mura lang.
*Papunta ka pa lang... cge ingat!
*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal, tumatakas
*Kapag may usok, may mamamatay na lamok.
*Walang matiyagang lalake.. na manligaw sa mukhang binabae.
*Where there's a will, there's no place like home.(ano?)
*Kung walang magpapaloko... hindi tatakbo si gloria arroyo.
*Ang taong mainggitin, panget.
*Behind the clouds, are airplanes.
*Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, dapat ipatingin sa doktor.
*Pag may usok... bka nsa langit kana!
*Magkulang ka na sa magulang... huwag lang magkulang sa tubig habang
naghihilamos.
*Kapag bukas ang kaban, nakalimutang takpan.
*Kapag ang ilog ay tahimik, walang nagsi-swimming.
*When all else fails... buti nga bhelat!
*Sa larangan ng digmaan.. nakikilala kung sino ang bading!
*An apple a day... makes the fruit vendor rich.
*Pag may usok, mas maganda ang show dahil may special effects.
*Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan sana mga kagalit!
*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal... may paltos.
*Papunta ka pa lang, ako rin sabay na tayo!
*Magbiro kana sa lasing.. wag lng s bagong gising.(sobrang bad breath
non! siguradong hindi ka mag-eenjoy sa pagbibiro pag naamoy mo ang
mabahong hininga nya)
*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal, nasa moon.
*Habang may buhay... txt tayo!
*Kung pukulin ka ng bato.. tinapay ang iganti mo, na may lason!
*Ako ang nagtanim, ang nagbayo at nagsaing,
saka nang maluto'y iba ang kumain.. bwisit na pusa yan. amf!
*Huwag magbilang ng manok, kung duling.
*Better late.. than never txting!
*Kapag maiksi ang kumot... sa baby ipagamit.
*Kapag ang puno mabunga... maraming mapipitas.
*When the cat's away.. sabihin mo lang, wissss wisss wisss wisss. pra
lumapit s u.
*Magkulang ka na sa magulang... huwag lang sa pagiisip!
*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal, may rayuma!
*Ang iyong kakainin, sa kaldero manggagaling.
*Tell me who your friends are... and ill tell you who is cute!=)
*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal.. matanda na.
*If you cant beat them... i2yak mo nalang.
*Ang iyong kakainin, itatae mo rin.
*Magbiro kana sa lasing.. wag lng s matsing, dka mage2ts non!
*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal, nagtetext.
*Ang taong ngigipit.. lahat ng pwedeng utangan kinukulit.
*Kapag maiksi ang kumot... cute.
*Pag may usok.. kawawa ang may hika!
*Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal.. bagong tuli.
*Ang taong naglalakad ng matulin... magling sa walkathon.
*Ang taong hindi marunong lumingon sa kanyang pinanggalingan... adik sa
text.
*Laging nasa huli, ang pinakamatangkad.

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

BINUBUGBOG
Misis1: Suko na ako sa mister ko. Lagi na lang akong binubugbog bago
niroromansa! Misis2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si
Inday ang niroromansa!

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Bati ng unang bingi: "Mamamalengke ka?"

Sagot ng ikalawang bingi: "Hindi, mamamalengke ako."

Sabi ng unang bingi: "Ahhh...akala ko mamamalengke ka."

Lumapit ang labindalawang taong gulang na batang lalake sa kanyang lola
at nagtanong.

"Yoya, batit ato buyoy?"

"Kasi supot ka pa, Iho, kahit itanong mo sa nanay mo," paliwanag ng
lola.

"Nanay, batit ako buyoy?" tanong naman ulit ng anak sa kanyang ina.

"Kasi supot ka pa, kahit itanong mo sa tatay mo," sagot naman ng
nanay.

Lapit ang bata sa tatay at nagtanong ulit.

"Tatay, batit ato buyoy?"

Nagbuntong-hininga ang tatay bago sumagot, "Kati tupot ka pa."

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Ibig sabihin ng girl sa boy, boy sa girl

She Says: "Bahala ka na."
She Means: "Pagsisihan mo ito."

She Says: "Sure, go ahead."
She Means: "I don't want you to."

She Says: "Hindi ako galit."
She Means: "Galit ako."

She Says: "I just want a stable future."
She Means: "I want to be rich."

She Says: "Hindi ka marunong makinig."
She Means: "Sumunod ka sa gusto ko."

She Says: "Mahal mo ba ako?"
She Means: "May ipapabili ako."

She Says: "Gaano mo ako kamahal?"
She Means: "May kasalanan ako sa iyo."

She Says: "Mataba ba ako?"
She Means: "Sabihin mo ako ang pinakamagandang babae sa balat ng lupa."

She Says: "I'll be ready in 5 minutes."
She Means: "I'll be ready in 1 hour."

She Says: "Nakikinig ka ba?"
She Means: "Sumunod ka na kasi sa gusto ko."

She Says: "Masarap ba ang luto ko."
She Means: "Instant yan."

She Says: "Magsine tayo sa SM."
She Means: "Magsha-shopping ako."

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Pinoy jokes 1
REPORTER: Hon. Pres. Joseph Estrada, What do you think about these
countries?

ERAP: What countries

Reporter: Iran, Iraq And Egypt

ERAP: Oh, Iran is the past tense of I am running, Iraq is the only kind
of things you find in the Japanese rock garden. Egypt naman is the
pambansang vehicle of the Philippines, which waits for passengers
anywhere in the streets!

Pinoy jokes 2
How do you know a filipino who lived in japan?

1. You take a taxi to go to a place even when it takes only 7 minutes
on foot.
2.You go first to the basement at the embassy to eat dinuguan before
submitting your application 10 minutes before lunch break.
3.You eat sushi with a fork.
4.You take miso soup from a rice bowl with a spoon.
5.You eat your fish with your hand instead of chopsticks.
6.You serve adobo in the caldero (pan).
7.You put the rice cooker in the middle of the table.
8.You are the only foreigner who orders pig's blood from the butcher.
9.You buy all the fish heads at the fish stall.

Pinoy jokes 3
Pinoy in an American Coffee Shop

Isang araw pumunta ang isang pinoy sa coffee shop sa LA.

Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?

Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!

Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?

Pinoy: Hameneggs.

Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?

Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.

Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?

Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.

Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried?
poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?

Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled
or sop boiled.

Waiter: And what bread would you like?

Pinoy: Begyurpardon?

Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? Whole
wheat?toast?

Pinoy: Pan Americano

Waiter: We don't have that.

Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.

Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.

Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?

Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time,
what would you like for breakfast?

Pinoy: Donut plis....
ngek..

Pinoy jokes 4
A true Filipino

* You hang on the back of a jeepney when it is full, or sit on top of
it (like a pincushion).
* You pay lagay with lagay.
* You say "tsu" if a dog or a cat has to be chased away, and it is not
a half sneeze.
* You say "chit" if you want to pay in a restaurant or make the
rectangular gesture with your thumb and index finger of both hands.
* You beckon someone to come near with outstreched arm and move your
hands and fingers up and down, in a scratching manner (compare how mga
kano do it, quite the opposite).
* You prefer white skin over brown (again the opposite of mga kano),
and the mestizo baby is more admired.
* You think you are from a higher class when your Ingalog is better
than your Taglish.
* You are crazy about thropies, medals, ribbons and first honour.
* You are disappointed when a comedy series on tv doesn't end in a
slapstick like romp.
* You have a bell-nickname, Ding, Dong etc.
* You prefer to live, when abroad, in San Francisco, because of the
home like threat of earthquakes.
* You say you are a doctor, while in a matter of fact you are a
condoctor.
* You always write your names in fresh concrete when you get the
chance.
* You greet by asking: "Saan ka pupunta, " and greet back vaguely,
"Bayan!"
* You have the same name as a celebrity, Garcia, Ramos or Juan de la
Cruz, f.i., and you are always a relative.
* You carry water in a plastic container hung on a long bamboo pole
with one end over your shoulder and on the other end little wheels cut
out of slippers.

Pinoy jokes 5
A True Filipino Part 2

* You use a tabo made from a red plastic oil bottle of which you cut
the top to take a shower (also excellent as a bailer in a bangka).
* You pull the pukot for a meal of dilis.
* You believe in white ladies dwelling in a big tree (balita or
accacia).
* You comb your hair just before the ferry boat arrives on the pier.
* You swim with your clothes on.
* You "mano po" to the head of the family.
* You run for shelter when it starts raining with your hand on the top
of your head.
* You call to a kano: Hey Joe, what's your name? (And I answer: Hoy
pinoy, hay pinay, my name is Joe!)
* You ask impertinent questions to a kano like how often he does it at
night.
* You drink fresh tubo in the top of a palmtree with your friend out of
one glass.
* You carry an item, like for example a poundbag of sugar, on your flat
hand next to your ear.
* You can run fast on slippers and faster with the slippers in your
hand.
* You roll up your T-shirt when it is warm to show your belly (for
males only).
* You smoke a cigarette with the burning end inside your mouth (for old
ladies only).
* You drink with one glass from a pitcher, filled with Red Horse beer
and ginebra f.i., and eat pulutan with one fork when you are in a
company of friends.
* You lay down your bolo before entering a house.
* You have illegal handguns in the house or carry a small revolver in
your belt or underpants.
* You call somebody who owes you a lot of money and fails to pay an
"utang ina mo".
* You are a Dutch-Filipino if you think that the Philippines was named
after the bulbs manufacturer Philips

[Oliver Asinas]

gud pm, merry christmas, your name is quite familiar, saan ba tayo magkasama dati.  sorry to ask, tumatanda na kasi ako. god bless wait for ur response. kakalipat lang ng internet ko kya ngyon lng ako nka open.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

[Oliver Asinas]

gud pm, merry christmas, your name is quite familiar, saan ba tayo magkasama dati.  sorry to ask, tumatanda na kasi ako. god bless wait for ur response. kakalipat lang ng internet ko kya ngyon lng ako nka open.

"marvi...@hotmail.com" <marvi...@hotmail.com> wrote:

[RONALD CORTEZ]

>Merry christmas....
>Originally from bulacan graduate ako ng MHCHS.Then I
graduated from EAC in manila...Di ko rin sure eh...
>Thanks sa e-mail...

>ronald

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked
to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long,
when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I
was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the
best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when
I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling
out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a
refrigerator..."

hope you like it,
marvin27red

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

I have good news and bad news
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would
you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of
them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on
your slippers.

[Oliver Asinas]

gud pm merry christmas, and have many more new years to come, dto ako sa cambridge ikaw.

[marvi...@hotmail.com]

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVRYBODY, I HOPE THIS WILL BE A GREAT YEAR FOR YOU
AND YOUR FAMILY.