Conan The Destroyer Movie

[Bok Wykes]

Conanis commissioned by the evil queen Taramis to safely escort a teen princess and her powerful bodyguard to a far away castle to retrieve the magic Horn of Dagoth. Unknown to Conan, the queen plans to sacrifice the princess when she returns and inherit her kingdom after the bodyguard kills Conan. The queen's plans fail to take into consideration Conan's strength and cunning and the abilities of his sidekicks: the eccentric wizard Akiro, the warrior woman Zula, and the inept Malak. Together the hero and his allies must defeat both mortal and supernatural foes in this voyage to sword-and-sorcery land.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Grace Jones Wilt Chamberlain Mako Tracey Walter Sarah Douglas Olivia d'Abo Pat Roach Jeff Corey Sven-Ole Thorsen Bruce Fleischer Ferdy Mayne Angel Ashley Matt Conner Erik Holmey Juan Jaramillo Terry O'Neill Andr Roussimoff John Sabol Pablo Talamante

No masterpiece, but better than I remembered. DESTROYER actually doesn't make a great double feature with BARBARIAN; the first CONAN is a prehistoric melodrama with philosophical musings (plus graphic beheadings) while the sequel is much more of a children's adventure film with comedic interludes (plus graphic beheadings). When it's not being compared to BARBARIAN, though, I think it works pretty well. The action's solid, the fantasy elements are fun (and very comic book-y, no doubt because two of the CONAN comic writers, Gerry Conway and Roy Thomas, dreamed up the story), and the comedy is genuinely funny (Schwarzenegger's drunken acting is a particular highlight).

The DVD I watched tonight looked like garbage but this thing was shot by Jack Cardiff; I bet the Blu-ray is gorgeous. Plus, Wilt Chamberlain plays a guy whose sole mission is to protect the virginity of a young girl, which is incredible casting.

If Conan the Barbarian is a mythic landmark of swords and sandals sorcery, Conan the Destroyer is the Italian knockoff in spirit, the cash-grab, the kiddie adventure. Nothing wrong with that, although I can understand the initial disappointment. Shot by legendary DP Jack Cardiff and directed by Richard Fleischer, this is pure junky fun. Absolutely stunning to look at, and full of goofy sidekicks and ancient castles and crypts and a few beheadings for good measure. It's also integral to the '80s fantasy' aesthetic, possibly even more so than the first film. Now, that doesn't mean it's nearly as good, but it offers plenty of delights, mostly with its production design and cinematography, a memorable Grace Jones performance, and Arnold being Arnold.

conan the barbarian:

"Crom! I have never prayed to you before... I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom; so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!"

A big old spoonful of wacky sword-n-sorcery fun. It doesn't have the gravitas of the original, but it does feature Arnie killing WAAAAYYYYYYY more dudes with big swords, a booming Basil Poledouris score, three comedic sidekicks played by Tracey Walter, Mako and Grace Jones, tons of sloppily comped miniatures, solid direction by old workhorse Richard Fleischer, and some colourful cinematography by the legendary Jack Cardiff. I had always avoided it because people said it was neutered, but the on-screen decapitations, blood spurts and stabbings say otherwise.

This is the kind of stuff I pictured while reading the ACE paperback collections of Conan stories. Probably has something to do with the fact that the story was written by Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, who were the workhorse authors of the Marvel Comic CONAN books.

Conan the barbarian is free and out doing barbarian things when he is approached by the evil Queen Taramis. She makes him an offer that would return his love, Valeria, from the dead. The task? He is to accompany and protect her niece on a quest to obtain a mythical key guarded by a sorcerer in a faraway castle. He then must return both the girl with her virginity intact and the key. What he doesn't know is there is a sinister underlying plot that may very well lead to his death.

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