SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

[WayneSL]

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email
to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will
blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with an infected needle. ; ; ;

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car
to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from
12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I
know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...

Please try to have a wonderful day any way- WayneSL