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3. Negative self-talk. We all have a harsh inner critic at times, but enjoying your problems is about loving yourself through hard times, not beating yourself up. If you notice your thoughts are becoming meaner or more alienating, seek support right away. You deserve empathy, both from yourself and from others.
A few years ago, there was an incident that made me feel disconnected in my marriage to my husband. It bothered me enough that I brought it up the same day. At first, my husband's response made me feel like it was a joke. When I pressed further about how much it impacted me, he took it seriously and said that it wouldn't happen again. My husband is a good guy and I believed him. I still believe him, but there was something unsettling about how that conversation ended.
I bet you I'm not the only person to dread difficult conversations with my partner. Ever brought up a heavy topic and realized how hard it is to drudge through it? Or, it doesn't go well and you end up on a tangent about unresolved issues? Things get shoved under the rug, but never really resolved and the next time you argue, it's the same old, same old?
Now granted, this is meant to be a 2-way conversation and I've only given you one-side of the dialog. Considering that your partner is loving and supportive, hearing about your deeper needs would usually move them closer to you. And, if this sounds foreign, it is. But, this gets at the root of the matter, rather than staying focused on the content of what happened. Content changes, like hats, but at the core is whether two individuals feel like they're available, engaged and responsive to each others' needs.
Two months ago, I went back to him, yet again after an intensive EFT training. That conversation was heart-palpitating, armpit-sweating, and tears-flowing and I wanted to talk about everything else but that. But trust me, it was well worth it. I told my husband that this incident three years ago continued to bother me because I felt disconnected and hurt and that it threatened our relationship. I told him that I do trust him but I also needed to know that he loved me.
Husband was agitated, but softened up when he heard that I felt hurt. He's in disbelief that I wouldn't bring this up again a 4th time, but reassured me that he loved me and apologized that his actions hurt me.
I can understand why my husband would be in disbelief, but what he didn't see was a healing that happened with that repair. I felt lighter and closer to him. No further conversation is needed because that sense of safety and security is restored and deepened. What's more, when we feel safe and secure in our relationship, we can be vulnerable to share our deepest fears and longings. That same evening, my husband turned around and shared situations where he felt left out and I've since been mindful of how to better include him. Vulnerability begets vulnerability and it brings us closer together.
Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping committed couples who have grown apart find each other again. She's recognizing that during difficult conversations with her husband, she'd rather talk about the pretty skies or the crawling spider than the issue at hand. Yet, she's learning to stick with it. Seeing the fruits of that, she'd want to help you do the same.
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Someone's boyfriend dumped them, another person had a sick kid, and someone else was complaining about their car problems. Instead, I should have heard that someone closed a deal, another person completed a big project, and someone else was exploring ways to be more productive.
No one cares about what you did over the weekend, your family struggles, or what's happening at home. It only matters that you show up, push all those problems to the back of your mind, and get to work. Suck it up buttercup! There's no place for personal problems in a professional workplace.
We've all had those annoying coworkers who won't shut up about their personal lives. When people spend too much time complaining about their problems or oversharing about their lives, it pulls everyone away from their work responsibilities.
And personal problems do more than just distract people from their actual jobs. They also cost the company money. The average gossip session lasts 15 minutes, which results in 65 hours of wasted time per employee per year. That's more than the average person gets in PTO every year! Talking about your personal problems at work is really stealing from the company because you're getting paid for work that isn't getting done.
Another key is to stop talking about your problem. The more you talk about your problem, the bigger you make it. When you talk about something, you magnify it. I am not saying to deny or ignore the problem. Jesus recognized the problem, spoke to the problem and went on about His business.
We ignore little problems like power washing the mold off our house or flossing our teeth to take care of those sore gums. Now consider the ignoring we do about those big emotionally packed problems that arise in our life. Problems like: splintered relationships, abuses, hurtful words, misdeeds, misunderstandings, undeserved criticisms, bashed reputations, and fractured friendships.
Ignoring these kinds of problems gives them POWER OVER YOU and KEEPS YOU WEAK and in bondage to them. Since the problem has never been dealt with, negative emotions and feelings (anger, frustration, feelings of abandonment, feelings of unworthiness, depression) can rise up at their whim.
For years, I have believed that the way out of a problem, issue, or conflict is through it.I still believe this is true.The problem is that during those years, I didn't move through most of my problems, issues, and conflicts. I just rehearsed them over and over again in my mind, imagining the worst about myself and others. I assumed that all of the thinking, processing, and rehearsing was actually moving through it.It wasn't, and it isn't.For example, when you are conflicted with someone, you hate the idea how much work it will take to talk to them. So you imagine the conversation in your mind over and over, and it usually goes something like this:Her: You are despicably wretched; you ruined my life & I am completely, utterly, and totally disappointed with every part of you as a human being.You: I know you are but what am I?You might say you're a conflict avoider, but the conflict is there, exuding from your pores; you can smell it. You're not avoiding it at all.Or, you might have made a mistake, and you keep pressing repeat in your mind, trying to make sense of it, to see it from all the angles. What you're actually doing is simply repeating this mantra, over and over again: I am terrible. I am terrible. I am terrible. Of course, it is valuable to think about why you said or did what you said or did. The issue is that most of us dive all the way into our problems, and we get trapped there because of shame. We cannot solve anything while we're inside of a cage of shame.I was recently convinced that someone for whom I have so much love, and so much respect, was deeply disappointed in me. So I rehearsed our conversations, over and over again, asking, "What did he mean when he said that? What could I have done differently? He's not seeing the whole story. How can I make this right?"I was completely trapped inside of my problem, and thinking about it over and over again was not helping.So I decided to meet with someone who knows a lot about how our minds and bodies are connected. She explained what happens in your mind and body when you experience significant events:
- When you experience a significant event (a disapproving look or comment from your boss), it passes through the filter of your experiences, values, beliefs, pain, etc. Everybody has different filters, so everybody processes the same event uniquely.
- After the significant event passes through your filters, you assign meaning to it (I have failed at jobs before, I'm going to fail at this one, too).
- After you assign meaning to it, your body reacts to it physically by releasing the appropriate chemical to deal with it - seratonin for pleasure; adrenaline for fear (My boss is going to fire me, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO).
- This creates a behavioral response (exploding with anger at your boss, or retreating in fear and overcompensating by putting all of your energy into pleasing her).