[A Journey to Benin] I wasn't ready

[Andrew Searles]

Today I made the hardest choice that I’ve had to make in this country. It is incredibly hard to look at life here and say I’m not cut out of this. I can’t do it anymore. If I think about it there are many reasons why I want to go home. But each one, by itself, is not big enough to warrant this decision on its own. But with everything together I feel overwhelm. I have been hoping that things would work out, but I have been trying to change things and trying to keep things at a manageable level and I’m going crazy. I don’t want to be depressed for the next two years. One day I will try again, but right now I’m not ready.

The reason this is so difficult is because I feel like I’m letting a lot of people down. I feel like I promised you guys two years worth of funny African adventures that now I won’t be able to tell. Most of all, I feel like I’m letting myself down. When I graduated from college I wanted to do something with meaning and purpose. I wanted to achieve great things. I thought those things had to have big names and big titles and big roles. I thought that would be Peace Corps. I realize now that even some of the smallest unheard actions can be what makes a difference. It is amazing how a simple smile changes someone’s day. How laughing with someone about nothing can be the best thing in the world. I have cried more in the past three months then I have through out college and high school put together. I’m crying now.

So, I told my school, “I’m not ready” when they said they wanted me to teach three different classes in October. I cannot give a two-hour lecture in French after speaking the language for only three months. So, we changed it to one class starting in December. A little later they came back to me and said that I had to start in October because that is when the semester starts. I said, “I’m not ready.” But they said that I would teach two two-hour classes twice a week with maybe 30 something students. I thought this would be better. I could prepare for my class in the off time and rebuild my courage as I go. So I was to start teaching starting Oct. 23. Monday Oct. 22, I came to the school to figure out what time my classes where going to start, because they wouldn’t tell me sooner then that. I got my schedule and found out that my class had turned into two classes meeting three times a week with somewhere around 80 students. Wednesday being the first day I start teaching classes and it was a four-hour lecture. I said, “I’m not ready.” I told the guy in charge of scheduling that I can’t teach for four hours and that I can’t teach a night class. By the way one class got out at 7p.m. He said that he probably wouldn’t be able to fix it until a week or two in. I left there thinking, “I’m not ready, and this won’t work anymore.” I told them where I could stand and be happy, but they kept pushing and making me feel bad about not doing more. So, enough is enough. “I wasn’t going to be ready.”

With all of that said and my explanation of all the reason I’m leaving cut short. I promise you just go the abridged version. I have to stop. I’m won’t be happy within the next 4 or 5 months and I don’ think it will get better after that. I’m not going home because I think life will not be hard. I’m going home because at home I know how to deal with depression and cope with what comes along.

I promise that within the next week maybe two. I’m going to put up pictures of everything about my life here and I’m going to put up a movie about Cotonou. Things that will be feature are my apartment, Danktopa Marché, and the vampire cat.

Love you guys always and thanks for your continued support.
andy

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Posted By Andrew Searles to A Journey to Benin at 10/23/2007 08:33:00 AM