When I started learning about passive aggression, one of the things that stood out for me was that wherever I looked, all the 'experts' were telling me that passive aggression cannot be cured, and that all they can do is hope to control it.
I'm not so sure that's true.
What are some of the common traits of passive aggressives? Procrastination, inefficiency, avoidance, blaming others....
It's very easy for a passive aggressive to continue the trend and find reasons why they can't be 'cured'. They may even use the diagnosis itself of being passive aggressive to justify why they can't change who they are.
I think that's a copout, however. Over the past two years, since I became aware of my own passive aggression, I've taken active steps to try and deal with it. I've looked at the traits of passive aggression, recognised where I'm doing them, and consciously tried to do exactly the opposite.
I think 'cures' for what we have can simply be the result of making a decision.
What helped me was the realisation that my passive aggression was only hurting ME, and preventing ME from realising my true potential or finding my true happiness. I realised that it's not up to someone else to help me cure it, or to understand and accept me for who I am.
It was up to me to refuse to accept my own intolerable behaviour. I was responsible for what I was doing, no one else. Sure, I could blame my parents all I wanted... But they're not in control of my life any more. I am. It was up to me to take control and stop blaming others for my behaviour.
Instead of being defensive, I've tried to listen to what people are saying. Instead of believing they have it wrong, I've tried to accept that they might just have it right.
The people around us are reflecting back to us the things we need to know. If we're being intolerable due to behavioural issues like passive aggression, then those around us will do the same thing back to us that we're doing to them. They won't realise this, but they're reacting to what we're provoking.
If we truly care about those we love, we will listen to them. We will stop engaging in behaviour that is sabotaging our relationships and our careers. We will look to forgive those we are angry with.
By forgiving someone else, we are also forgiving ourselves for being affected by them.
We will also be honest with our feelings, and our wants and needs. Instead of just agreeing with others in order to avoid conflict, we'll do only what we want to do. We'll look at how we feel about something, and take action to change things if we can, or move on from the things we can't.
I left my fiance a few months ago. We'd been together for just over 3 years. She helped me grow, and she helped me understand a whole lot more about who I am. I love her dearly, and always will. But she has her own issues which were holding me back. For the first time in my life, I separated from someone not through fear or anger, but because I realised that we just weren't any good together. Instead of growing together, we were growing apart.
I'm still extremely sad by how it's all turned out, but instead of being with her and being resentful, angry, passive aggressive, etc, I decided to take charge.
It was at a very bad time for me. My father had just died (February this year), and I was unable to find a new contract and had almost exhausted my savings. I was extremely stressed by everything, and then my fiance was adding on to the stress by being stressed about me not working. When she demanded that I stop grieving and get a job so she can feel better about our situation, I realised I was with the wrong person. I didn't have her support when I needed it the most.
So I made the decision to leave her, and we discussed it, and she agreed that it was for the best. We weren't fulfilling each other, and the entire three years had been a constant struggle.
A week after we split up, I got a new contract...
Her and I make better friends than partners, and we're still sharing a house and still very much in love with each other (not intimately any more). We just know that we aren't suitable for each other as life partners.
I know that if I was continuing to be passive aggressive, I would have stayed in this relationship - as I have done with most other relationships - until she got sick and tired of my bullsh*t and left me. Passive aggressives don't like to take charge, because then they become responsible for their actions, and they can't blame anyone else but themselves.... That's a no-no. They need to blame others.
So I took responsibility for my own happiness, and my own life. I discovered I needed to be single again in order to grow from this point and move forward. I don't know how long I'll be single for, but I know I'm not looking and won't be looking for some time.
A friend of mine is married, and has been for 4 years now. Both him and his wife are passive aggressives, and he can't remember the last time he was happy.... It's very sad. But he doesn't want to leave her, because he doesn't want to be alone. They argue all the time. She spends the money he tries to save, and then when he works longer hours to make up for the financial drain, she accuses him of not caring about her or his family (they have two small kids, one with downs syndrome). He has a car he loves and works on only every Friday night. She's told him to sell it to prove he loves her, and that if he doesn't sell it, then he obviously doesn't love her. So he's selling the car.
I spat the dummy at him! He's only allowing the continuation of her behaviour by agreeing to everything she demands. And she's making the demands of him because his own behaviour makes her feel that he doesn't love her. Neither of them are willing to change, however, and so they continue a life of unhappiness and misery, staying together 'for the kids'.
Sometimes, when you love someone you still need to leave them because it's the right thing to do for yourself, and for your own happiness and growth.
Deciding if that's what you need to do, or if you're lashing out with passive aggression can often be very challenging.
But anyway....
Sorry for such a long email, but I hope some of what I've said has been helpful. Basically, us passive aggressives have to stop accepting our own excuses and make some serious changes to get ourselves out of this stupid rut we're in. Take charge of our lives and actually do something proactive. We are responsible for everything we do and feel, and even the reactions people have to our behaviour. BE responsible, and make some changes. :)
All the best!
Alan
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Dear Mr. Nadmonk, Wow.....You are on the brink of the greatest battle for living a full life and that is Fear and Insecurity.....The worst and best fighters against freedom around.....I appreciate your honesty and forthright integrity in identifying your role in the ememies camp. I have been married to a PA for 25 years but left him over a year ago and he is just now learning his personal patterns and issues that are counterproductive to living in a healthy relationship with anyone. We have 4 sons, ages 23, 18, 17 & 15, Which I trained to take personal responsibility for their decisions by conscience and care for self and others....Not easy...all the while communicating one way on boundries and influence by repeated choices to change my husband.....I sent him your email yesterday (thanking you) so he will be able to break apart for himself...
I am angry and hurt for all those years invested toward growth seem to have been taken for granted, fallen on a deaf ear and all things that are good were taken advantage of and for years I allowed myself to be devalued...I believe there is hope for this disability in character..although, The effort and courage to fight for truth, light and life must be in the hands and responsiblity of the one who will take personal ownership..CJ --- On Tue, 8/5/08, nadmonk <nad...@gmail.com> wrote: |