FW: INTRODUCING YOUR CHILDREN TO NEW PARTNERS/ web site layout ideas requested

[Marius Janse van Rensburg]

 

 

From: Asif Suleman [mailto:as...@medis.co.za]
Sent: 17 March 2008 12:40 PM
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: INTRODUCING YOUR CHILDREN TO NEW PARTNERS/ web site layout ideas requested

 

HI ALL I have written on the topic of introducing children to new partners before, but we have had lots of new members since, and I write in response to a recent query from a mum, about the introduction of her children to her ex's latest new conquest. I really felt that this dad who was never properly involved with his child , was behaving irresponsibly and advised that the mum facilitate the introduction, under special conditions.The sad part for me was that this mum encouraged contact at all times,whereas parents like us are actually denied contact, yet he seemed to be using his child like a little trophy, and there were also a few other concerns[ significant] This is only the third time that I have ever recommended limited /supervised access Personally I have found it impossible to move on myself I don't really want to introduce my child to anyone or to find myself having to be torn between my child and a new person i rather concentrate on getting my access sorted out and focussing my energies on my child....but thats me!!!   and i make lots of excuses not to meet anyone...but i do have lots of friends and i am comfortable in that space for now....move at a pace you like, not in competition with the ex or other divorced parents I cant find the article now, but I recall reading that it takes guys about 7 years to move on and ladies about 3   Your feedback welcome But just remember always do what's best for your children , as the gold standard to be followed So that it answers your queries the articles below are some of the better ones available If you have gone through a recent life changing event like the ending of a marriage, or a break up from a long term relationship, this in itself takes some adjusting to. Returning to the status of being single and rediscovering who you are as a single individual can be complicated in itself much less becoming accustomed to your new life and maybe being a single parent. If you and your former partner share children together hopefully things can be worked out for the best interest of your children. Remember your children are what is important in this. Both of you need to work together for the best interest of your children. But what do you do when your former partner is involved in a new relationship? A relationship where this individual is anything but cooperative, causes problems, is somewhat immature , and spiteful, and has a destructive behavior pattern? Maybe this person tries to cause as many problems and conflicts that they possibly can for you or just simply out to make things difficult for you. Well first thing is to look at the situation from all angles. You need to understand and know this individual may be jealous and intimidated by the fact that you shared together a past life and children that will bond the two of you forever. Like it or not, if you share children, you will have the bond as parents, and it is best if you can be friendly with one another, only if on nothing else but for the sake of your children. Try to remember children need both of their parents. Never try to make your child choose between you. In the event you have someone trying to cause problems in these relations try to understand what they are. Maybe they are jealous or intimidated like I mentioned earlier or maybe they have nothing better to do with their time, for whatever reason, you should try to remain quiet. Don't buy into their games. Try to remember the very old saying you "reap what you sew". What is important for you is to care for your children and make sure their needs are met and care for yourself. Don't let anyone play emotional games with your life. First try to ignore what they do and hopefully they will get tired of the fact you ignore them. If this does not work, my advice would be to keep a journal of dates, times, events along with things said, in doing this you are keeping a record that could aid you in the event legal issues arise.In certain situations a police report may be needed. Their spiteful tactics could play in your favor one day. My way of dealing with issues like this is to pray really hard that God touch their lives and touch their heart so that they see what they are doing. Again remember your children are what is important and if you continue to argue in such immature ways nothing good can come of it. Sometimes people have the need to make themselves feel superior to other individuals, think about this, it does not hurt you in any way to let them feel they are superior, when someone starts thinking they are untouchable, or superior, they start making mistakes, no matter who the person is. In extreme circumstances protective orders may be needed. These orders can keep harm from coming to your children or yourself. In the event of harassment keep everything and make copies. Their malicious , immature , and harassing behavior will eventually catch up to them and this will eventually play in your favor. You just remember to do what you know you are suppose to be doing and make certain you always do what you feel is right. Bad behavior on someone's part will always eventually come out. You just try your best to stay strong and stay focused on issues at hand. If you can help it at all do not have confrontations with the other party, this will only create more stress on your part. Two things to remember, there are no unresolved problems, there are only solutions waiting to be discovered, and stay nice, don't stoop to the other party's level in playing dirty, this will not help you. In doing this the right things will eventually prevail. Remember too the person responsible for creating these issues will eventually create a provable behavior pattern that could be used in your favor. With a lot of hope, praying, and waiting your time, do know your situation will work out in the long run. Just hang in there. Lastly, if you can help it all, don't let the other party involved get to you or should I say "get under your skin". Think of it this way, by laughing at their behavior or things they do,instead of playing into it, you make it easier on yourself and at the same time you are enabling them to have any power over the situation or you, at the same time you are saving yourself a lot of grief, stress, and the entire time building your case. So during their scams, lies, deceit , deviance, bad behavior, or whatever it is they are doing, you know you can smile and collect your evidence to aid you in your journey to a peaceful life again. Sometimes it is better to turn the other cheek and in doing so will pay off in the long run. Do what is right for your children and all other matters will work itself out. Sometimes on the other party there can be insecurities and extreme jealousy that make people react to situations the way they do. If your former partner's new love is giving you a hard time by causing you stress and interfering with your children's life in a negative way, there are things you can do. Make sure you keep all evidence and file the police reports. Keep in mind it takes two to dance, and sometimes it is better to sit a dance or two out. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  One of the most stressful things you can do as a separated father is to introduce your children to your new partner. You want everyone to like and accept everyone else - and you're really not sure what you'll do if that doesn't happen. There are no guarantees of course, but there are a number of things you can do to try and ensure everything goes smoothly. That's especially important for your children, who won't understand a lot of the dynamics, and who after all, are the most important things to you. What Type Of Partner Should You Introduce? The chances are you'll date a number of people before finding a serious relationship. Don't introduce your kids to every passing girlfriend. It will only confuse and frustrate them, and when you want them to meet someone with whom you're developing a serious relationship, it'll take them longer to trust her.  It's best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Give things time to reach stability, where you're comfortable with each other. Talk to her about your children beforehand, by all means, but try to avoid discussing your former partner. One thing you have to do, as the relationship develops, is make sure you still give plenty of time to your children, all the time you can. It's easy to become distracted in a new, major relationship, but don't do it at the expense of your kids. The First Meeting The first meeting between your children and new partner should be a casual, social occasion - say a trip to the park or the cinema. It certainly shouldn't be anything that involves stress; don't go to an amusement park, for example, where you might spend a long time queuing for rides with the children becoming restless. You want everyone relaxed. Introduce your partner as a friend, make light of it. Don't kiss her and hold her, keep everything light, and include everyone in the conversation. After a while, slip away for a few minutes so your partner can briefly interact with the children on her own. However, keep time for yourself alone with the kids during the visit, too, just as you normally would. Moving On You don't need to have your partner with you every time you have your children; in fact, it's a bad idea. They need time alone with you. But do have her join you regularly. For a while keep it as light as possible, still introducing her as a friend. In time, sit down with your children and explain about your relationship - obviously in terms they'll understand, depending on age. Remember, their reaction is important. Hopefully, by the time you do tell them, they'll have developed their own relationship with your new partner and accept her readily.   If you and your new partner decide to move in together, make your children a part of the process. If you're renting or buying a new place, let them make the decisions about decorating rooms that will be theirs - it gives them a stake in both the place and the relationship. If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your ex. She'll hear about it anyway from the children, but it would probably be best if you told her first, if only as a courtesy to prepare her. Problems Obviously, you can't force your children to get along with your new partner. What happens if they don't? Then you're left between a rock and a hard place, and there's no easy resolution. It's quite possible you'll have to make a choice between partner and children (and the same applies if your partner doesn't like your children). Remember, however, that your children are with you for life. Your responsibility to them will never end, and taking you on means taking them on, too - you're a package deal. At that point you're left with a painful decision to make, and whichever way you go, someone is going to be hurt. The best thing to do is everything in your power to make sure things go well. Don't rush anything - there's plenty of time. Describe the situation or problem. Someone new has come into your life. You enjoy each other and want to spend more time together. But first, you have to introduce your new partner to your kids. What advice can you offer? Take it slow. Many times children want their parents to get back together again and may resent a new person coming into their lives. Gradually introduce your new partner into their lives. Reassure your children of their importance to you and keep in touch with what they are thinking and feeling about your new relationship. Sometimes children may feel rejected or threatened; they need to understand that their feelings are important but at the same time need to be polite and willing to get to know this new person in your life. Recognize that both your children and your new partner may feel threatened or jealous of the other. These feelings are not unusual and should be acknowledged and addressed. This is a new situation for all of you and there can be many conflicting interests and feelings involved. Trying to keep an open mind and encouraging everyone involved to make a "good faith effort" may be enough to work through the initial awkwardness and uncertainty. Moving on Family Your family may have changed but as the song goes, 'We are family!' Families come in all shapes and sizes and nowadays they may well be stretched over a wide area or you may be lucky enough to have relatives in your local area. No matter how you felt about relatives at the start of this journey, your attitudes have probably changed at this stage. We all need support and your family should be your first port of call. If your relationships have been suffering under the recent strain, now may be a good time to reach out once more and try again. We can only try. Many hurtful things may have been said in this process and not all may have been intended. Pick up the phone and say hello. Children If you have children, it is  better for them to maintain links with both sides of the family. Tempers may have been strained, but emotions may be calmer now. Grandparents and children can suffer dreadfully if contact is broken. Families may have taken sides in the heat of the moment but now everyone may be willing to consider what is good for the children. Aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents are all part of your child's make-up and sense of self-worth. If you have lost contact with your child, now may be the right time to try again. Communication with the other parent could be a good starting point - a letter, a phone call or a message via a friend or relative. Perhaps an apology? If finances are at the root of this problem, is there anything that you could do to instil some confidence into your ex-spouse? Any little extra money or gift with no ties could bring its own rewards as you start to trust each other again. Communication, as always, is the only way to go. Have you obstructed contact? If, on the other hand, you have obstructed contact, it could now be time to back down and start talking again. What is best for the child? He may be saying what you want to hear but you should know in your heart what he is really saying. You may not have read our Children/Teens/Parents sections. There is a site included for children, a large one for teenagers as well as articles for adults. Have a look and try to see things through the eyes of your child. There are many agencies to help in the Further help section including Parenting Plans. I still love my kids 'I used to wake in the night with a nagging pain in my chest or was it my heart? How could I get close to my kids again? I had made mistakes but I still loved them and wanted to help. The first step I took was to say I was sorry to my ex and kids with no strings attached. It has taken a long time but now we are all talking again.' John W. New relationships bring new joy but also new problems. Here we hear from Jill Curtis, a psychoanalytic psychotherapist working in private practice in London. She is a frequent broadcaster on family matters and has written several books. Jill even has time to contribute to this site as well as running her own family site. How to be a stepchild Today I received an e-mail from a girl, I will call her 'Alison', who told me she was twelve years old and wanted to ask me a question. She went on to say: 'Daddy is going to marry someone else and he is taking me to meet her on Saturday. Please tell me what to do?' A simple, direct question, but one which set me thinking. It made me wonder how many children there are who are thrust into the complicated arena of stepparents without any idea how to go about it. Or, indeed, what is expected of them. Has this happened to you? Look in any magazine, and on the internet, and you will find plenty of advice for parents and stepmothers and stepfathers. There are many organizations, forums for discussion, and conferences planned around the idea of step parenting. There are plenty of dos and dont's on offer for parents about how to 'deal' with stepchildren. And yet, you (if you are a child) may find you have been faced - sometimes without warning - with a parent's new boy or girl friend. They may even have been introduced, perhaps with a laugh, as "Your new 'mum' or 'dad'". Believe me; this happens more often than you might think. Perhaps the grown-ups should put themselves in your shoes for a moment. What do we all do when we don't know what is expected of us? What we do, especially when we are uncertain, is to look at the floor, fiddle with our hair, or answer in a monosyllabic way. All ways guaranteed to bring down the wrath of the adults. Perhaps you recognize this? The difficulty for any child of divorce (and by 'child' I do mean 'adult' children too) is feeling torn between the two people they love most. If on one hand you see mum or dad radiantly happy with a new partner, and on the other a depressed distraught parent, then it is hardly surprising that you view the outsider as the cause of all the family problems. That may not, in fact, be so. But what are you to do? By pleasing one parent, you are likely to feel you are twisting the knife in the other. A real crisis can occur when there is to be a wedding, just as in the e-mail I received: it had become crunch time for 'Alison'. How can it be that a twelve-year-old is so desperate to 'do the right thing' and that I am the only person she can ask? From speaking with many parents over the years, I would guess that 'Dad' is too busy setting up the meeting with his new partner to think just what it means for his daughter. And 'Mum' is the last person to give advice on step parenting 'etiquette', so 'Alison' is left wondering just what to do, and say, on Saturday. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Introducing a new partner? If you are a parent reading this article, and planning to introduce your children, try to remember that you have had time to know and to grow to love your new partner. Your child will have a very different perspective, and will need time to form a view of his or her own. So, too, will your new partner, who may be scared to death about meeting your child. If you are planning a wedding be extra sensitive to your children's feelings, even in the midst of planning a celebration. They may not feel like celebrating. So are their any guidelines on 'How to be a stepchild'? If you are old enough to be reading this article you should be aware that you mustn't be rushed into a step-relationship. This may, or may not, happen. Try to get to know your mum or dad's new friend as you would any new person in your life. Then you can decide whether you like them as a person, or not. Accept that by recognizing this new 'someone', you are not necessarily giving the union your blessing. It may be a bitter pill to swallow, but one reason for apprehension and antagonism is often because hopes that your parents will get together again, will be finally dashed. Whether you can allow your parents new partners to become loving members of your family - well, only time will tell. So, to all the 'Alisons', remember nothing you can do can repair the fact that your parents have divorced. If one of them is to re-marry wait and make up your own mind in your own time. So, you don't have to 'do' anything on Saturday. Just be yourself, no more, no less. No one can ask more of you. Question(s): Written by: Hanna Molander, psychology student at Linköping University. What is the effect of divorce on child/children? What could we do to reduce emotional stress for our children in case of divorce? This is a compilation of a lot of questions about divorce and new alternative ways of living. Answer: In the western world, the nuclear family still is the most common way of living together with other people, but more and more people are finding new alternative solutions. Families break up and new people move in together. The children work as connecting links between old and new family members. The family is no longer a closed entity. This puts new demands on our ability to create functional relationships with our extended family. Often this creates practical and emotional problems. How are we affected by these new structures and how do they change the roles of children and parents? Children are not born with conceptions of what life should be like. Therefore children adjust easier than adults do. A child brought up by parents who don't live together even though in a relationship or have two mums and two dads, don't think that is strange. Therefore problems only start to surface when the child gets negative reactions from other people who don't find is as easy to accept alternative lifestyles. Children usually don't suffer as long as their needs for love and safety are fulfilled. Grown-ups, on the other hand, have a conception of right and wrong, of what things should be like and have been like and therefore often find it much more difficult to adjust. Sudden changes howerver, like a divorce, are difficult to deal with, as an adult and as a child. A divorce is often a traumatic experience. No matter if you are a child, an adult, initiatied the divorce or not, you go through an emotional rollarcoaster of chaos, guilt, frustration and helplessness. All divorces are different but they've got one thing in common, they are all painful more or less and for a longer or shorter period of time. With the divorce comes a lot of changes. New routines replace the old ones. You might lose some members of your family and get new ones. Maybe you have to move out of your home and the financial situation will not be the same. One thing that does not change is the fact that a divorce is something that adults initiate. A couple's intimate relationship is now replaced with a parenting-relationship. This can be very difficult for a lot of parents who are so caught up in their own emotional processes, that the needs of the children are forgotten. It is important to tell your children it's not their fault. It's also very important that the children are not used in the battle. It is not unusual that children have to act as messengers between the parents. As a child you are very loyal to both your parents. You often feel guilty for spending time with one parent when you know the other one is on his/her own. As a parent you have to put your own needs aside and let your child know that you understand that s/he needs both her/his parents and that you don't mind them spending time with the other one. It is also very important not to say bad things about your ex-partner. A child knows s/he's a product of two parents. When criticising your ex you are also criticising your child. Children always react to a divorce. It is just a question of how and when. What the reaction looks like depends on the age, sex and personality of the child. It is common to show feelings of anger, depression and grief. If a child show no signs of reaction, they might need help to express what is going on inside them, otherwise they might suffer from depression later on. If you find a new love in your life, don't introduce him/her to the children too soon after the divorce. Most children have a secret mission to bring the parents back together. If you ask a child they almost always want their parents to go back together, even if it has been a very difficult marriage. They are prepared to do everything to get mum and dad back together. Therefore it is better to wait until the child has come to terms with the fact that the divorce is final. When children have accepted the divorce an introduction of a new partner will go smoother. There will be problems though. The child will resist the change and fight for his/her territory. Once again the roles are changing and new routines takes place. It might become even more difficult to introduce a new step-brother or sister. It usually takes a lot of time and patience to make this work. When you have introduced your new partner, it's important to make time for only you and your child. This way the new relationship doesn't become a threat. A lot of children miss their parents and don't want to share their time with anyone. It's difficult to both stand up for your partner (who is also going through a difficult time) and look after the needs of your child. If your child only stays with you part time, make sure s/he feels comfortable and at home. Having a room of your own, a special place at the table, a mug with your name on in the kitchen cupboard are important details that manifest the place of your child in your new family. Being accepted by the children as a new grown up member of the family is not easy. The more the child is prepared the better. Try to create your own relationship with the child, rather that trying to be a new mum/dad. You might have to stay out of the way a bit in the beginning. Let the child approach you when s/he's ready. With a new family member comes a lot of other relatives. Avoid big family gatherings. Take one new relationship at a time. Just because all arrangements are done and the paperwork is signed doesn't mean the divorce is over. The emotional divorce is not over until you've let go of your partner. Ending a relationship brings about a lot of changes. Not only the intimate relationship is no more, but shared friends, parents-in-law, places you used to visit together, they all disappear or change. A lot of people go through a crisis when ending a long relationship. A crisis started off by a divorce is usually something you can work through on your own. There are phases in life when you are more vulnerable, times when you go through big changes in your life, for example when you become a parent or lose a job. If you go through a divorce during these difficult times of your life you are less likely to be able to handle the crisis without help. A person who is going through a crisis can be emotionally unstable, have difficulties concentrating and in other ways behave differently. This is why, when going through a divorce, a person might start to behave in an unpredictable way. You might not recognize yourself, your ex-partner or friend. For a person in crisis the support of friends and family is very important. As an ex-partner you can't provide support because you are going through your own grief and need time and space to deal with that. If you or your ex-partner need additional support to be able to handle this difficult time it is better to seek professional help or turn to the local community. Sometimes they offer support during your divorce Children and Divorce: Introducing your Child to your New Partner It has been a few years and mom and dad are ready to date again. When should the kids be introduced to the new man or woman in your life? Here are some tips for doing just that. Take it slow. Kids, depending on their age, take time to adjust. They may feel that the new partner is trying to replace the missing parent. Reassure your kids that this is not the case. Show them a picture of your new partner. Tell them interesting things about the person. Answer any questions that they may have regarding him or her. When the kids are ready to meet this person, choose a neutral place. Children may feel that another adult in the house threatens them in some way. They are ready for you to date, but not ready to see another potential parent figure in their home. Go to a movie that everyone can enjoy and have dinner afterwards. Each person gets to talk to each other and the kids get to know the new partner. As a parent, watch your partner with the kids. Observe how they interact and how they deal with different situations. The next day, ask your kids what they thought of the person. Take their feedback to heart when deciding on the next step in the relationship. Prepare your partner for some hostility when they come over to the house. You don’t expect the kids to act rudely, but they need to adjust to the new person. On the other hand, inform the children that your partner is coming over and what you expect from them. If the kids have any objections, during your conversation is the time to get those feelings out in the open so they can be addressed. To make the meeting not so formal, host a cookout at the house. Invite friends and family over so they can meet the new person in your life. Let the kids get a chance to interact with the new partner before the festivities begin. The kids get the opportunity to settle in with him or her but the cookout keeps the pressure off of them to spend the entire evening with your partner. Don’t force a meeting for the sake of the relationship. Tell your partner up front that your kids come first. You want the relationship to work but not at the kids’ expense. When the kids are ready to meet, then the meeting will take place. Along these same lines, if you have to break a date due to the kids needing your attention, schedule an alternate time. Don’t just let the date go by forgotten. If you value both relationships, be flexible in the scheduling. The kids will see that you do care about this person and them at the same time. Introducing your child to your new partner is important. They will become a part of the child’s life as well as yours. Don’t be impatient about the meeting. When the time is right, it will happen HOPE THIS HELPS DR ASIF SULEMAN [MbChB-NATAL] REGIONAL CO-ORDINATOR FATHERS-4-JUSTICE[KZN] 453 WINDERMERE RD,  MORNINGSIDE DURBAN   082 777 55 77 031-312 34 88 /032 944 3769 0865 165 915     INTENDED RECIPIENTS ONLY.F4J IS A REGISTERED NGO/NPO ACTIVELY PROMOTING A CHILDS BEST INTERESTS AFTER PARENTAL SEPERATION.PARENTAL ALIENATION IS CHILD ABUSE.LET OUR KIDS BE THE WINNERS AND NOT THE PRIZE

 

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