General discussion

[Broken shackles]

General banter and release valve for your frustrations. Post it here.

[Broken shackles]

I am ok, because I have done the little bit that I am able to do. I
am just frustrated, bcause nobody seems to be willing to do something
about my ex's crazyness. Even though the family advocate's report
says nothing new, and gives a recomendation that states that I can
continue seeing my two younger children, and even though the social
worker's report plays straight into my hand when I want to pursue
access to my oldest child, I feel that it is the system that is the
biggest problem.

Nobody wants to challenge the system and would rather work inside it.
I am furious because it is so easy to destroy somebodies life with
just an allegation, so easy to destroy an child's life with hatred ,
how difficult it is to have justice and how difficult it is to
challenge the system. The Family advocate is weak in his
recomendation and evaluation. Everybody thinks of their own political
situation, their own jobs and careers. For them it is not about the
child, the true victime of PAS. It enfuriates me to know that my
child is being destroyed by these people within the system.

Nobody at this point involved in this investigation has bothered to
get my side of the story. To investigate the facts. People never
says it is to bad to be true. It is always to good to be true. Our
fight is against human nature, not only against the system.

Faith like Potatoes...

[Broken shackles]

Here follows a link to an older article I found on the web.

http://lifestyle.iafrica.com/hislife/fatherhood/273061.htm

At the end of the article the importance of a support group is being
underlined. As it is sometimes difficult to face people and
relinquish your anonymity, I believe that, with the technology
available today, this group has a great responsibility.

Regards

[Broken shackles]

Today's topic: Is Parental allienation a form of child abuse?

See this abstract from a book by J. Garbarino:

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL BATTERED CHILD
By J. Garbarino et al (1986; 1992)

Garbarino et al reported that the psychological maltreatment of
children is more likely to occur in families where the atmosphere is
one of stress, tension and aggression - a good description of what
happens in a high conflict divorce. They identified psychological
maltreatment as a pattern of adult behavior that is psychologically
destructive to the child and sabotages the child's normal development
of self and social confidence.

They identified five types of psychological maltreatment:

i) Rejecting - The child's legitimate need for a relationship with
both parents is rejected. The child has reason to fear rejection and
abandonment by the alienating parent if positive feelings are
expressed about the targeted parent and the people and activities
associated with that parent including the extended family.

ii) Terrorizing - The child is bullied or verbally assaulted into
being terrified of the target parent. The child is psychologically
brutalized into fearing contact with the target parent and retribution
by the alienating parent for any positive feelings the child might
have for the targeted parent. Psychological abuse of this type may be
accompanied by physical abuse.

iii) Ignoring - The parent is emotionally unavailable to the child,
leading to feelings of neglect and abandonment. Divorcing parents may
selectively withhold love and attention from the child, a subtler form
of rejecting that shapes the child's behavior.

iv) Isolating - The alienating parent isolates the child from normal
opportunities for social relationships. In Parental Alienation
situations, the child is prevented from participating in normal social
interactions with the target parent and relatives and friends on that
side of the family. In severe situations, social isolation of the
child sometimes extends beyond the target parent to any social
contacts which might foster autonomy and independence.

v) Corrupting - The child is missocialized and reinforced by the
alienating parent for lying, manipulation, aggression toward others,
or behavior which is self-destructive. In Parental Alienation
situations with false allegations of abuse, the child is also
corrupted by repeated involvement in decisions of deviant sexuality
regarding the target parent or other family and friends associated
with that parent. In some cases of severe Parental Alienation, the
alienating parent trains the child to be an agent of aggression
against the target parent, with the child actively participating in
deceits and manipulations for the purpose of harassing and persecuting
the target parent. This is particularly likely to occur in what Turkat
(1994; 1995) called "Divorce Related Malicious Parent Syndrome".

Psychological maltreatment can be mild, moderate or severe. The
effects on the child may vary according to the child's age,
temperament and ability to access social support. The more dependent
the child is on the alienating parent, the more likely they are to
exhibit a wide variety of significant psychological and social
problems.

[Broken shackles]

Go to http://www.brokenshackles.co.za/webwerf/bydraes.html for the
newest addition to the website. Sorry for the Afrikaans, English
translation will follow shortly for our English members.

Regards

[Broken shackles]

A little off-topic today, but let us not forget what is the most
important of all:

~~Daddy's Empty Chair~~
A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with
her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed
with his head propped up on two pillows.
An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old
fellow had been informed of his visit.

'I guess you were expecting me, he said.

'No, who are you?' said the father.

The minister told him his name and then remarked,

'I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up,'

! 'Oh yeah, the chair,' said the bedridden man.
'Would you mind closing the door?' Puzzled, the minister shut the
door.

'I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter,' said the man.

'But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used
to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it went right over my head.'

"I abandoned any attempt at prayer,' the old man continued,

'until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me,
'Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with
Jesus. Here is what I suggest.'

'Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in
faith see Jesus on the chair.

It's not spooky because he promised,
'I will be with you always'.

'Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right
now.'

'So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of
hours every day.

I'm careful though if my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair,
she'd either have a nervous breakdown
or send me off to the funny farm.'

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man
to continue on the journey.

Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the
church.

Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her
daddy had died that afternoon.

Did he die in peace?' he asked.

Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock, he called me over to his
bedside, told me how much he loved me
and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour
later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his
death. Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and rested
his head on the chair beside the bed.

What do you make of that?'
The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, 'I wish we could all
go like that.'

[Broken shackles]

Hi all

Our Forum members are made up of a group of people that has experience
of every side of divorce. We have members that are custodial parents
whom believe in the importance of the relationship of a child with
both parents; we have members that work with divorce from a legal
perspective, we have spouses of divorced husbands and so forth. We
need to remember that the problem that we are dealing with is not the
symptoms of high conflict divorce (like PAS or SAID or any other
symptom) but rather the actual divorce itself. The current systems
of divorce does not facilitate parents to manage the best interests of
their children. A lot of the symptoms of divorce could have been
prevented with proper counseling during the divorce. With counseling
I am not referring only to counseling to save the marriage, but rather
counseling given to help people with the adjustment of divorce. This
should take the form of some kind of trauma counseling for both
parties. I have found that the biggest problem causing my hassles at
the moment is the fact that there has been no opportunity for any
party to find closure on the divorce. Please let me know what you
think and let's discuss practical ways in which we can perhaps get
something like this off the ground...

Regards

[Broken shackles]

Hi all

On Sunday I returned from Cape Town after completing another phase in
the struggle to obtain proper visitation rights to my children. It is
easy to get despondent when looking at the uphill battle that still
lies ahead, but the support of my fiancé, my family and my friends
has been the cornerstone of my perseverance. The biggest reward and
motivator however was the joy of my two younger children when they saw
me. Their total acceptance of their dad, their recognition of the
fact and their open love has been uplifting to say the least. My ex-
wife still does not want me to see my older daughter, and although
there is nothing legally preventing me from seeing her, my ex-wife's
refusal will eventually result in another visit to the High Court. It
is disappointing that everybody's resources are wasted. Money that
could have been spent caring for the children, time to establish
proper bonds and consequently build their confidence, and ultimately
peace for the families involved are now wasted and put on hold due to
one person's inability to grasp the amount of damage that is being
done.

I have been at a crossroads recently. Some people that heard my story
has suggested that I drop it all and give up. They were of the
opinion that the battle that I am fighting causes a lot of stress and
conflict in the lives of my children. Giving up has been an inviting
thought, as the cost, both monetary and emotionally, has been great
and will continue to grow. However, when I see the love that my
children has for me, and at the same time look at how my ex-wife tries
to destroy every living memory that my eldest has of me, then I
realise that peace for my children does not lie with me giving up, but
is rather rooted in my continuous struggle to be a part of their
lives.

I will continue to battle and so will my fiancé. Her support and love
and understanding has been undeniably the driving force behind me.
Let us not forget the people that stands next to us during Valentine's
month. They deserve more than we ever will be able to offer.

Regards

[Broken shackles]

Good news for dads of children born out of wedlock!

Section 21 of the Children's Act gives a father of a child born out of
wedlock full parental responsibilities and rights if -

· at the time of the child's birth the father was living with
the mother in a permanent life-partnership; or


· he, regardless of whether he has lived or is living with the
mother-


· consents to be identified or successfully applies in terms of
section 26 to be identified as the child's father or pays damages in
terms of customary law;

· contributes or has attempted in good faith to contribute to
the child's upbringing for a reasonable period; and

· contributes or has attempted in good faith to contribute
towards expenses in connection with the maintenance of the child for a
reasonable period.

By denying a father his parental responsibilities (such as rights of
access) a mother will be unlawfully frustrating his automatic parental
rights. She would be misguided if she believes that it is up to her
to decide whether or not to give him rights of access.

If a mother disputes that the biological father has conducted himself
as described above (and that he does not enjoy automatic parental
rights) such dispute must be referred for mediation to a family
advocate, social worker, social service professional or other suitably
qualified person. If either party is unhappy with the outcome of the
mediation, he or she may have such outcome reviewed by a court.


As mediation is, by definition, a voluntary process, if the mother
fails to submit to the process the father will have no choice but to
apply to court for an order dispensing with mediation and granting him
parental responsibilities and rights.






18 Parental responsibilities and rights


1) A person may have either full or specific parental
responsibilities and rights in respect of a child.


2) The parental responsibilities and rights that a person may
have in respect of a child, include the responsibility and the right-


a) to care for the child;

b) to maintain contact with the child;

c) to act as guardian of the child; and

d) to contribute to the maintenance of the child.



3) Subject to subsections (4) and (5), a parent or other person
who acts as guardian of a child must-

a) administer and safeguard the child's property and property
interests;

b) assist or represent the child in administrative, contractual
and other legal matters; or

c) give or refuse any consent required by law in respect of the
child, including-

i) consent to the child's marriage;

ii) consent to the child's adoption;

iii) consent to the child's departure or removal from the
Republic;

iv) consent to the child's application for a passport; and

v) consent to the alienation or encumbrance of any immovable
property of the child.


4) Whenever more than one person has guardianship of a child,
each one of them is competent, subject to subsection (5), any other
law or any order of a competent court to the contrary, to exercise
independently and without the consent of the other any right or
responsibility arising from such guardianship.


5) Unless a competent court orders otherwise, the consent of all
the persons that have guardianship of a child is necessary in respect
of matters set out in subsection (3) (c) .





21 Parental responsibilities and rights of unmarried fathers



1) The biological father of a child who does not have parental
responsibilities and rights in respect of the child in terms of
section 20, acquires full parental responsibilities and rights in
respect of the child-

a) if at the time of the child's birth he is living with the
mother in a permanent life-partnership; or

b) if he, regardless of whether he has lived or is living with
the mother-


i) consents to be identified or successfully applies in terms of
section 26 to be identified as the child's father or pays damages in
terms of customary law;

ii) contributes or has attempted in good faith to contribute to
the child's upbringing for a reasonable period; and

iii) contributes or has attempted in good faith to contribute
towards expenses in connection with the maintenance of the child for a
reasonable period.

2) This section does not affect the duty of a father to
contribute towards the maintenance of the child.

3)

a) If there is a dispute between the biological father referred
to in subsection (1) and the biological mother of a child with regard
to the fulfilment by that father of the conditions set out in
subsection (1) (a) or (b) , the matter must be referred for mediation
to a family advocate, social worker, social service professional or
other suitably qualified person.

b) Any party to the mediation may have the outcome of the
mediation reviewed by a court.

4) This section applies regardless of whether the child was
born before or after the commencement of this Act.

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Some early signs of Parental Alienation:

Children perceive one parent as causing financial problems of the
other parent

Children appear to have knowledge of details relating to the legal
aspects of the divorce

Children show sudden negative change in their attitude toward a parent/
guardian

Children appear uneasy around target parent - they resort to "one
word" answers and fail to engage openly in conversations as they
previously have done

Children are uncharacteristically rude and/or belligerent to target
parent

Access time is not occurring as agreed upon or court ordered -
visitation is being unilaterally cut back by the other parent

Ex-spouse undermines the other parent or speaks disparagingly about
other parent in the presence of the children

Ex-spouse starts making reference to other parent as being abusive and
a risk to the children with no apparent good reason

Allowing children to choose whether or not to visit a parent, even
though the court has not empowered the parent or children to make that
choice;

Telling the children about why the marriage failed and giving them the
details about the divorce settlement;

Refusing the other parent access to medical and school records or
schedules of extracurricular activities;

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Target Parents Who Are Falsely Accused

An accusation of child abuse, especially molestation, can quickly cut
off an accused parent's access to his child, pending an investigation
(28). Because sex abuse is often difficult if not impossible to
disprove, the accused parent may spend months and even years trying
without success to refute the charge. Clear resolution of such
allegations may be impossible as a result of the accusing parent's
actions, poor training and technique of the investigators, involvement
of multiple agencies and lack of coordination between agencies and
different branches of the judicial system (6).

AMERICAN JOURNAL OF FORENSIC PSYCHOLOGY, VOLUME 15, NUMBER 4, 1997 /
57

Even if the charge is successfully refuted and the accused parent's
rights are reinstated, the parent has lost valuable time with the
child, damaging the parent-child relationship.

According to Patterson, additional repercussions for the falsely
accused parent include damage to personal dignity, reputation in the
community, and depletion of financial and other resources needed to
defend the charge and to preempt the possibility of criminal action
(29). An unproved accusation alone is sometimes enough to have an
accused parent arrested and held in jail until a preliminary hearing
and beyond. A parent who is criminally tried runs a significant risk
of false conviction in the current legal climate. When sex abuse is
alleged today, the presumption of innocence is often set aside with
the justification that it is better to convict an innocent person than
to allow a real child abuser to go free. Patterson's article
references Gardner's book, The Parental Alienation Syndrome and the
Differentiation Between Fabricated and Genuine Child Sex Abuse.
Patterson concludes, " We can never serve a child's best interest by
denying him or her the love and affection of a parent who has himself
been victimized by a lie" (29; p. 941). '

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Dads DO matter: Why children brought up by BOTH parents are happier
and more successful
By JENNY HOPE - Last updated at 09:11am on 13th February 2008
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=513962&in_page_id=1774

Children behave better, learn more and are better adjusted if their
father is involved in their lives, a major study shows.
Researchers found that a good relationship between youngsters and
fathers had a positive effect that could last for two decades. In low-
income homes, regular contact was also seen to lead to less juvenile
crime.
Anna Sarkadi, of Sweden's Uppsala University, where the research was
carried out, said: "Our detailed 20-year review shows that overall,
children reap positive benefits if they have active and regular
engagement with a father figure. "We found various studies that showed
that children who had positively involved father figures were less
likely to smoke and get into trouble with the police, achieved better
levels of education and developed good friendships with children of
both sexes. "Long-term benefits included women who had better
relationships with partners and a greater sense of mental and physical
well-being at the age of 33 if they had a good relationship with their
father at 16. "It may seem obvious that what's worked for centuries is
good for individuals and society, but that's what we found."
She said the studies showed the value of the father's input as a role
model from babyhood to the teenage years. The review, published in the
latest issue of the journal Acta Paediatrica, looked at 24 papers
published between 1987 and 2007. The smallest study focused on 17
infants and the largest covered 8,441 people ranging from premature
babies to 33-year-olds. As well as examining research from Sweden and
Israel, the Uppsala team looked at large-scale studies in the U.S. and
the UK. They found that children who lived with both a mother and
father figure had fewer behavioural problems than those who lived with
their mother only.
Behavioural problems in boys, and psychological problems in girls,
were also less frequent. Intelligence, reasoning and language were
more advanced in children who had good contact with both parents. The
researchers said it was not clear whether living with a biological
father confers an advantage over living with a father figure alone.
"Our review backs up the intuitive assumption that engaged biological
fathers or father figures are good for children, especially when the
children are socially or economically disadvantaged," added Dr
Sarkadi. "Children who lived with both a mother and father figure had
less behavioural problems than those who lived with just their mother.
"However, it is not possible to tell whether this is because the
father figure is more involved or whether the mother is able to be a
better parent if she has more support."
Norman Wells, of Family and Youth Concern, an independent charity,
said the study showed that fathers were not an optional extra.
"Fathers and mothers complement each other and together provide a
richness of care within the family that you can't replicate in any
other setting," he added.
________________________________________
Jeremy Swanson
Fathers and Men's Rights Activist

[Broken shackles]

This extract from the Fathers for Justice Newsletter:

For those of you who despair in the face of the difficulties you
presently are forced to endure in simply trying to ensure a proper
relationship with your child(ren), see the poem below written almost
200 years ago by a father who, like us, were alienated from his
children. The allegations against him were atheism and immorality!

" I curse thee (the lord chancellor) by a parent's outraged love,
By hopes long cherished and too lately lost,
By gentle feelings thou couldst never prove,
By griefs which thy stern nature never crossed...
By all the happy see in children's growth
That undeveloped flower of budding years
Sweetness and sadness interwoven both,
Source of the sweetest hopes and saddest fears...
O wretched ye if ever any were,
Sadder than orphans, yet not fatherless!"

Percy Bysshe Shelley, 1817

[Broken shackles]

Who are willing to fight for what is right?

Are we going to be part of the evil of inaction - be passive
bystanders?

The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do
nothing.
-Edmund Burke

[W]e must learn that passively to accept an unjust system is to
cooperate with that system, and thereby to become a participant in its
evil.
- Martin
Luther King Jr.

What is a hero? A hero is somebody who can rise above situational
forces and stand up against the norm, the group, to fight for wat is
morally right. Do you want to be a hero, or an "innocent"
bystander?