COOPERATIVE PARENTING: THE NUMBER
ONE PARENTING SKILL
THE
DO'S AND DONT'S OF COOPERATIVE PARENTING
DO
encourage your child to spend time with the other parent.
DON'T deny access to the other parent for no good reason.
DO let the other parent spend time with the child when you are not available.
DON'T purposely schedule the child to be elsewhere when you are not available
and you know the other parent is.
DO be flexible in making changes in the schedule. Children grow and change on
a daily, monthly and yearly basis. Be responsive to their changing needs.
DON'T tell the other parent that the child cannot come to the telephone when
you know he or she can.
DO encourage your child to telephone the other parent when he or she is with
you. The other parent will return the favor when the child is with him or
her.
DO talk to the other parent and work together to facilitate both parents'
time with the child. Be especially cooperative during holidays and special
times such as birthdays. Remember you are creating lasting memories for your
child; help ensure they are good memories.
DON'T fight over scheduling in front of the child.
DO speak positively about the other parent in front of the child; you can
always find a positive aspect of the other parent.
DON'T bad-mouth the other parent in front of the child; no matter what
personal animosity you have about the other parent. Children have an annoying
habit of loving BOTH of their parents! Your efforts to alienate the child
from the other parent may backfire on you when the child realizes what has
been done to his or her relationship with one of the two most important
people in his or her life. When you denigrate a child's parent, you are denigrating
the child, who is a product of both parents.
DO tell your child you love and cherish him or her, and reassure him or her
that this has not changed due to the divorce.
DO praise your child when he or she does well or behaves well. Do so in front
of the child and the other parent.
DON'T allow your child to denigrate the other parent. Encourage him or her to
speak positively about the other parent. If he or she is having a problem
with the other parent, help your child solve the problem.
DON'T discuss financial issues with or in front of the children. Do not allow
them to see court documents or overhear you discussing the legal case.
DON'T leave messages for the other parent on his or her answering machine
that might upset the child. Children often overhear messages, or may have
access to voice mail.
DO make an effort to stay geographically close to the child's other parent,
existing schools, neighborhoods and extended family.
DO keep a set of clothing, school books and supplies, and your child's
favorite things at each home. Facilitate the child's transfer of items
between homes when necessary.
DON'T be petty or possessive about things you have purchased for the child.
If you have given an item to your child, let him or her take it to the other
parent's home.
DON'T keep score on every little thing you pay for. Not every financial
contribution needs to be reimbursed or matched by the other parent.
DO exchange school records and information with the other parent. If
possible, ask the school to send duplicate information to each parent.
DO attend school conferences together, if possible. Teachers are usually very
pleased to see divorced parents attend the same conference. Make an effort to
attend as many conferences as possible. Talk to the teachers about your
child's progress, and frequently discuss this with the other parent.
DO coordinate the child's school work and projects with the other parent.
DO remain in close contact with the child's teachers, counselors and medical
providers, and keep the other parent informed of any information. Try to
coordinate appointments so at least one parent can accompany the child.
DO make an effort to meet your child's friends and their parents. It is
important to keep up on your child's activities, especially when the child
lives in two different homes. Let other parents know you are an active and
involved parent.
DO talk to the other parent about problems the child may be experiencing or
difficulties between you and the child. Children can be very adept at taking
advantage of conflict and lack of communication between parents.
DO be accessible to the other parent. Give him or her your work and home
numbers, pagers, voice mail, etc. If you don't like to talk to the other
parent, use letters, faxes or e-mails. Provide a list of emergency contacts
for the other parent and the child.
DON'T engage in game-playing in contacting or responding to the other parent.
Respond promptly when necessary. Be open and up front about issues that need
to be discussed.
DO encourage the child's relationship with extended family, on both parents'
sides. Be pleasant and cordial to the other parent's extended family.
DO involve each parent's spouse or significant other in issues relating to
the children. Step-parents are important members of your child's family: they
serve as an authority figure, role model, and friend for your child. And
don't get hung up on labels. If your child begins to call a step-parent
"mom" or "dad," don't be offended. Be pleased that your child
can form emotional attachments to other people and that there are more people
in the world who love and care for him or her.
DO coordinate with the other parent on discipline issues. Decide in advance
on acceptable methods of discipline, and which methods both parents will use.
Be consistent in both households. Present a united front.
DON'T undermine the other parent's authority with the child. If the other
parent has imposed reasonable restrictions or discipline on the child,
continue those measures at your residence. Let the child know he or she
cannot escape consequences of his or her actions by seeking shelter at the
other parent's home.
DO decide in advance on what extra-curricular activities the child will be
allowed to participate in. Both parents should support mutually agreed
activities. Both parents should attend the child's events and show mutual
support for the child.
DO decide in advance on how you and the other parent will deal with alcohol,
drugs, curfews, dating, driving, clothing choices, allowances, home safety
and security (latch-keys) and the child's independence and privacy. Don't
argue over these issues in front of the child; agree on the boundaries in
advance and stick to them. Agree to revisit them periodically, in special meetings
with both parents and step-parents. Older adolescents should be involved in
setting and re-setting limits.
DON'T discuss residual issues relating to the divorce, or dwell on anger or
disappointments either parent suffered. Focus on the common ground of raising
a healthy, well-adjusted child to adulthood.
DO discuss issues civilly and reasonably. Be cordial. Treat the other parent
with kindness and respect. If the other parent is not ready to do this, reach
out to him or her. Be the first to offer an olive branch. Children learn by
example. Be aware of what messages you are sending to your child about
dealing with other people.
DON'T make exchanges of the child a negative event. Don't simply drop the
child off at the curb in front of the other parent's house and speed away.
Make an effort to go to the door, exchange friendly words with the other
parent, and wish your child a warm goodbye. Don't telegraph real or imagined
agony over leaving the child with the other parent. Your child should never
be made to feel guilty about spending time there.
DO listen to yourself. Examine what you are saying and how this could affect
the other parent.
DO listen to the other parent. Try to understand where he or she is coming
from.
DO perform unsolicited good deeds for the other parent. You will receive
return dividends 10-fold. Occasionally exchange gifts, even if token, at
Christmas or other special times. The good will you create could last a
lifetime.
DO practice the Golden Rule: If you have majority time, don't abuse the
position. Treat the other parent the way you would want to be treated if you
were the non-majority parent. You may experience that role before your child
reaches age 18. Think carefully how you would want to be treated by the other
parent, and how it would affect your relationship with your child.
