Any person capable of angering you becomes your master;
he can anger
You only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.
-- Epictetus (55-135 AD) Greek Philosopher
Post-Divorce Parenting
What does it mean to have
a child raised by two parents, in two locations, with two sets of ideas? Is
it better to pretend to agree or to disagree openly? How can they work
together when they are not together?
Probably the most
troublesome dilemma facing divorced parents is the continuing conflict
between the ex-spouses. Some examples of these parenting conflicts:
- Mother gets furious because ex-husband
introduces the children to his girlfriend.
- Father gets angry because ex-wife tells him
what to feed his son.
- Mother gets angry because ex-husband does not
feed her son the proper food…the ones he is not allergic to.
- Father gets angry because ex-wife does not
inform him when his child is sick.
- Mother feels guilty over having her boyfriend
sleep over when her child is with her.
- Mother and father NEVER talk to each other.
The common theme
throughout these examples is that divorced parents feel plenty of anger.
Well, why is that?
As most people know, the
first goal after legal separation is emotional separation. More often than
not, though, it takes a substantially longer time to accomplish than legal
separation. During this transition period, the ex-partners remain emotionally
entangled or enmeshed with each other partly because they hope this will
protect their children from the trauma of the divorce. However, it appears
that the greater the enmeshment, the worse the post-divorce adjustment for
both parents and children.
The anger and guilt that
continue after a divorce appear to be a direct result of this enmeshment. For
example, a divorced mother reported that she felt guilty and emotionally
upset because she did not want to agree to her daughter's request to have her
father come over for Christmas dinner. She did not want to disappoint her
daughter, yet she could not imagine having dinner with her ex. One way of
looking at this situation is that as one partner gets free and less enmeshed,
(in this case the mother), he or she begins to feel disloyal to the original
bargain of the marriage. The feeling of disloyalty leads to guilt over the
children. This, in turn, may lead to a sense of being angry and trapped.
Sometimes, children become
involved as agents of enmeshment. If one parent seems needy and lonely, one
of the children in the family may deliberately become aligned with that
parent, in effect she/he is taking the place of the absent parent. This traps
the child in an unhealthy and enmeshed relationship with the needy parent. In
one case, a father reported that he was extremely angry and upset with his
ex-wife over child support. He believed that he gave her more than enough
money, yet his son told him that his mother complained that she could not
afford to buy clothes for him because his father did not give enough money.
In both these situations, the children are go-betweens. Improved parent
communication is preferable to this.
The ultimate goal is to
have a relationship between the ex-spouses that is focused on the children
and their well being, without destructive and repetitive patterns or
behavior. For example, a father reported that his ex-wife was planning a
birthday party for their son. The father felt that this was a good idea, but
was concerned that it would be costing his ex-wife quite a bit of money, so
he called her up to suggest that he help pay for the party. She was pleased
and accepted his offer. Later, she called him back and asked if he would like
to stop by to attend the party.
There can be a
satisfactory outcome to divorce, although this is not accomplished overnight.
Once the emotional separation becomes a reality, both parties are more
willing to give up the enmeshment. The resulting peacefulness benefits both
parents and children
Overcoming Divorce Trauma
(provided by Kristina Diener, Psy.D.)
Foolproof Strategies for Maintaining Your Child's Equilibrium
As is typical in practically every divorce, your children are usually the
last know. Even when a marriage is fraught with discord, children generally
hold onto the wish that their parents will somehow manage to stay together,
or, like The Parent Trap, they can engineer a modicum of a truce. But in the
real world, acrimonious marriages generally end in equally contentious
divorces. When that happens, a constellation of emotions surface, feelings of
abandonment rage, psychological dysregulation, and immense anger are but a
few of the overwhelming feelings children experience. Divorce is never easy.
Even in the most civilized of circumstances, almost everybody is put through
the wringer, with children suffering the most. But what happens when you are
the cause of their pain? Even in the final stages of a divorce, many parents
still don't want to own it. They know that they must do something about their
child's anguish, but they're just too busy fighting the custody battles,
property settlements, and a host of other issues that need to be resolved.
Such parents are sometimes accused of putting their needs before that of
their children. The kids think their parents are selfish for not listening.
Who really loses? Do they feel they can express themselves? Read on for tips
on how to create a safe and contained atmosphere for your children to
maintain their self-esteem and emotional equilibrium.
The Trauma Trilogy
Trauma, masking as stress and anguish, are usually the first to manifest in a
child, causing them to feel despairing, hopeless, and lost. When the child
suffers such a devastating personal loss with the divorce of her parents,
depression and the erosion of self esteem is usually the first to occur. In
many cases, the child blames himself for the demise of his parent's union and
is overwhelmed with grief. Trauma experiences in children can produce
oppressive feelings of sadness, recurring anger, self-blame, and even
violence. A national study conducted by the Department of Health and Human
Services in the late 1990's concluded that:
- Children under the age
of 18 suffer 40% more anxiety as a result of their parent's divorce, and
that rate is doubled if the parent divorces multiple times;
- After a child is
diagnosed with depression, there is a fifty percent chance of recurrence
if the problem is not ameliorated; and,
- Three quarters of
children under 18 polled stated they would rather live with a relative
than endure the stress and trauma or another divorce or combative
parents.
Human
physiological response is not unlike animals. Born with survival instincts,
when we feel threatened or endangered, the sympathetic nervous system,
otherwise known as the flight or fight response, kicks in and ignites a set
of physiological and neurological mechanisms to confront the situation and
produce a stress reaction. However, in spite of years of extensive research
and clinical studies, the understanding of trauma and its aftermath is still
in its nascent stages. Though in 1966, trauma was characterized as "the
neglected disease of modern history," it is now is recognized as one of
the most enduring psychological problems. Only since 1980 did the American
Psychological Association include a classification for post traumatic stress
disorder, or PTSD, and is recognized as a forerunner to clinical depression.
Depending on the child's age, clinical depression and trauma may mask itself
as aggression or sadness, which many parents mistake as aggression as a
result of the divorce. "In this case," says Mary Cotchello, MA,
MFT, a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Omaha, Neb.,
"stressful situations are misdiagnosed, and the child is accused of
'acting out' and being aggressive for no known reason. Problematically, there
IS a reason, but it goes unacknowledged."
Emotional Casualties
Recognizing the difficulties in managing your child's emotions, and how
differently they manifest themselves is a challenge in itself. According to
Margaret Mearson, Ph.D., a family therapist who specializes in divorce cases
in Palm Springs, Calif., and an extensive lecturer on the subject of human
behavior, believes that children will respond to stressful situations in a
variety of functional ways. "Keep in mind that 'functional' is what the
child uses to cope. In some cases, they may act violent, other times, guarded
and silent, and in rare cases, they may actually tell you how they really
feel. The last, of course, is a novelty," laughs Dr. Mearson.
"Usually it's the other two." Some signs to look for in children
who are experiencing depression are:
- Loss of spontaneity.
"This is one of the first problems to occur, and one of the most
primary. Humans are wired for fun and adventure, and when your child
becomes morose, consider it indicative of a serious problem," says
Dr. Mearson.
- Excessive brooding. While
some children are able to bounce back after a divorce, others take
longer, but a child who has become gloomy for a long period of time is
probably not going to get better without professional assistance.
Withdrawal should not linger for months on end.
- Your child's grades have
dropped dramatically. "The difference in 'dramatically' is anything
from forgetting to do homework on a regular basis to seeing grades
drop," says Bryon Pierce, MA, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist
in Hartford, Conn., and author of the upcoming "Divorce Your Style:
Creating A Class Act," due out in November 2005.
- You suspect your child
is using alcohol or drugs. "Believe it or not, it's never to early
for them to start experimenting, and it's never too late for you to
discuss the subject with them," says Byron. "If you have any
reason to suspect this, do something before it's too late."
- Your child has lost
interest in his favorite activities. "Did he like to play soccer?
Paint? Did your daughter spend every other Saturday with her best
friend? A loss of participation in social affairs creates isolation, a
condition commonly seen in depression," says Byron.
- Your child becomes moody
and irascible, snapping at simple questions or not responding to
reasonable requests. "If you ask your child to take out the trash
and she flies off the handle, that's an extreme reaction," says Dr.
Mearson. "Take a good look at that."
Save your kids
before you divorce
The point of any sane divorce is to get the children through it with the
least amount of psychological harm as possible. One of the most damaging
aspects of divorce, according to statistics from researchers and family
courts, is open parental conflict. A study of more than 2,000 divorced people
in 1999 revealed that more than 50% still argued in front of their kids.
"Conflict of this nature creates a breeding ground for open warfare.
This is the worst thing you can possibly do," says attorney Rose Cohen,
a family law specialist in Woodland Hills, Calif. "Argue anywhere except
in front of your kids. This kind of discord is very disconcerting and creates
a more hostile environment. Children should never be within listening range
when their parents are fighting." Such altercations create serious
problems with kids, ranging from lack of trust to aggression. Exposing
children to conflict also places them in what psychologists call
"Loyalty Conflicts," forcing them to choose sides. According to
Catherine Lee, Psy.D., a psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles and
author of numerous essays on divorce and the emotional outcome on children,
Loyalty Conflicts "damage a child's self-esteem and sense of emotional
security. They feel they cannot be safe with one parent or the other. To whom
can they turn?" If you are not able to communicate civilly with each
other, consider doing it through your attorneys.
Establish a working relationship with your ex. "Even if it's
easier said than done. You may not be husband and wife any longer, but you
are still parents to your children," says Dr. Lee. "This is truly a
matter of the Best Interests of the Child. Make it your business to be a
class act all the time, especially for the children," she concludes.
"You won't be sorry."
Modify your expectations. Divorce brings out the ugly side of people.
Just ask Kate Fellows, a professional mediator in Trenton, N.J. Kate has
mediated more than two hundred divorces and says she cannot recall one single
episode where both parties did not try to control and exploit each other.
"By resorting to manipulation, and worst of all, lies, divorcing couples
are forgetting who they're hurting the most," says the exasperated
intermediary. "Remember, in the eyes of your child, you're also injuring
each other." Do the best you can to distance yourself from this kind of
volatile situation.
Try to be flexible. Who gets them on Christmas day, New Years Eve,
whatever, "remember that you're doing this for your child, above
all," says Dr. Mearson. Where children are concerned, nothing is
predictable. Try to understand your child's perspective and remind yourself
how difficult it is for them, and how you can teach them to overcome even the
toughest times. "This is a great time to teach your kids that they're
bigger than their problems," she says.
If you suspect abuse, do something about it immediately. "But
never use this a means to gain custody," warns Jake Meyers, a family law
attorney in Seattle. "That is practically a sure method of losing
completely. Let your attorney know about the suspected abuse and report the culprit
to your local Child Protective Services, and keep careful documentation of
all complaints from your child. Look for bruises, take pictures, and do
everything you legally can to keep your child from being abused again."
Remember the five psychological components: Acceptance, Guidance,
Understanding, Stability and Unconditional Love. "If you can give them
this much," says Dr. Mearson, "you're way ahead of the game."
Get Help
For yourself, that is. There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional
psychological assistance. An easy referral source is through your divorce
attorney or family doctor.
Kid Reassurances
- Assure your child the
divorce is not their fault. They'll need to hear this one repeatedly.
- Find them a support
system. Get them involved in after school programs, sports, a reading
class, anything that will keep them occupied and absorbed in a
constructive endeavor.
- Stop blaming each
other. It doesn't matter to your kids who did what to each other, only
that their parents are splitting up and the entire situation is painful
for them. Make it clear that, while you and your ex do not love each
other, you still love your child and will always be there for them.
- Make yourself
available to talk, reassure, comfort, and assuage their fears. Answer
their questions honestly without assaulting each other. Remember, you
had children with your ex, so find it in your heart to at least respect
that aspect of them.
Kid friendly
divorce movies:
Man of the House
A Chevy Chase film depicting a step-father who is reluctantly welcomed by his
step-son and promotes two important themes: divorced single parents can
actually develop an intense relationship with their step-children. A positive
impact film, especially for boys.
Paradise
The son of a single mother is left in a small town with a man and his wife
when his mother is pregnant. The child then tries to for his own nuclear
family with them, reflecting the tendency to seek some kind of solace in a
two parent family.
Recommended reading:
The Fresh Start Recovery Workbook: A Step-By-Step Program for Those Who
Are Divorced or Separated.
By Bob Burns and Tom Whiteman This book is one of the most definitive on the
subject, and highly recommended. Readers will discover most of their feelings
are nor uncommon, and will learn how to productively deal with the most
painful aspects. Very user friendly.
Aftermarriage: The Myth of Divorce
By Anita Wyzanski Robboy
This book explores the five types of marital bargains that become evident in
the unraveling of a marriage. This book is not only a roadmap to the divorce
process but an insightful exploration into marriage as defined by restrictive
laws.
The Visitation Handbook
By Brette McWhorter Sember, Attorney at Law A practical guide to navigating
your way through the cumbersome visitation process. Extremely useful and well
written.
Information provided by:
Kristina Diener, Psy.D.
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