hi
FATHERS
4 JUSTICE condemns violence in any form.
The
biggest victims of domestic violence are your children, and whilst the stats
show both men and woman are violent, i hope the article below helps you to
avoid getting caught in this horrid situation.
There
is a routine amongst alot of divorce attorneys to typically bring about these
charges, even where no violence/ abusive behaviour exists, and where there is
a definitive intention of keeping you away from your children,the DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE ACT , is the biggest abused weapon.
AT
ALL TIMES ACT IN YOUR CHILDRENS BEST INTEREST.
NO
VIOLENCE / ABUSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR PLEASE
DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE INTERDICTS: A TYPICAL CHARGE IN HIGH CONFLICT DIVORCES
Adapted from Presentation Given by Lisa Scott at the Father's
Rights Seminar, Sponsored by FR Investigations, August 4, 2004, Auburn,
Washington
Even though this talk is directed mostly at men, everything that can happen
to a man in this system can happen to a woman. Women should not be
complacent, or even gleeful, when these things happen to men, because they
could be the next to be falsely accused, suffering criminal arrest,
incarceration, removal from home and denial of access to children.
Women should not make men the enemy, any more than men should make women the
enemy. Women should stop and think, how would I react if I was taken away
from my children and told I should be happy to get to be with them every
other weekend?
Repeated studies show that children of divorce are most damaged by high
conflict between their parents. If parents would just call a truce and agree
to do what's best for their children, there would be a lot less fighting.
Unfortunately, the system tends to encourage custody battles, because the
winner not only gets the kids, but usually the house, and of course child
support. Plus, the parent who has the children most of the time has the most
control over what happens to them. As long as the winner is rewarded with the
goodies, there will continue to be wars fought over the children.
The first thing for
men to understand and accept:
GENDER BIAS IS A
REALITY IN THIS SYSTEM
Despite the fact that our family laws are generally written in a
gender-neutral way, they are often carried out by people in a system that has
been steeped in gender-biased stereotypes and outright lies about men and
women. Police, prosecutors, judges, social workers, psychologists, parenting
evaluators, counselors, et al, have been indoctrinated with propaganda by
certain women's and victim advocacy groups that men commit 95 per cent of all
domestic violence, are more likely to abuse their children, and that they are
little more than sperm donors who care not about their children but about how
they can get out of paying child support. If you think that sounds harsh and
unfair to these groups, I apologize, but it is my opinion based on 17 + years
of family law practice and 7 + years of family law reform activism.
So, whenever you put your freedom, your access to your children and your
property and assets in front of an authority in the system, you are
vulnerable to being treated in a biased way. Not everyone is biased, but it
is the norm for most players in the system.
That is why you are much better off staying out of the system, that is,
resolving your disputes through negotiation, and not letting yourself be at
the mercy of someone who knows nothing about you, and has a tremendous
tendency to treat you as a member of a group, not as an individual.
As I often tell clients, if you have to fight for your rights in front of a
judge, you've already lost.
Every man is vulnerable to getting run through the ringer in this system. Any
time you get involved with a woman, you are subject to court & legal
intervention. The only way to avoid it is to never get involved with any
woman, and go live the rest of your life in a cave. I'm guessing most of you
won't take that route, so I'm here to give you some tips on how to avoid
problems before they escalate.
The first thing to remember, is always be on your guard. Always be thinking
about how things can get out of hand, and how something you do can be twisted
around to make you look sinister.
There are many phases
of personal relationships, and different things to do depending on which
phase you are in. In general, there are three major ones:
Pre-Divorce:
(while you are still living together).
During Divorce:
(after separation, prior to the final divorce).
Post-Divorce:
(after the divorce, until all your children are over 18).
Some of these tips
apply to all three phases, while some apply only to one or two.
In any case, always be thinking of where you are, and what you want to
accomplish. Have goals and a plan on how to reach those goals.
The first thing you need to do is decide, what is it that I want with regard
to my children? Do I want majority time with them, shared parenting, or just
regular access? Men have to want to obtain shared parenting or majority time
before they have any chance to accomplish it. Gender bias is a reality in
this system, but sometimes GENDER BIAS BEGINS AT HOME. If a man is not
totally committed to getting the most time he can with his children, no one
else is going to fight for him. It's not impossible; in fact it is more and
more common for men to have majority care or shared care of their children.
Once you have decided what you want to achieve, don't let yourself be talked
out of that goal, or let things get out of control so you lose any realistic
chance of reaching that goal.
For example, I hear many stories of men who have been involved in a domestic
violence incident with their wives, where both people have engaged in an act
that could get them arrested. Or it is unclear who is the aggressor. 911 is
called, and the police say, well, we have to arrest someone, who will it be?
And the man volunteers to be arrested!! It may seem like the chivalrous thing
to do at the time, but it is devastating to your parental rights. Sometimes
the hardest thing to do is stand up for your rights as a father, and not be a
"good guy." In the heat of a custody battle, when have you ever
heard of the mother volunteering to be the one arrested?? Never.
SCARED DATELESS:
Now, before we go any further, let's talk about a phase not mentioned above,
but which all of you have gone through and probably will again: beginning a
new relationship. Many of you are divorcing, or perhaps divorced, and will be
getting involved with another woman in the future. Be smart and use common
sense in any dealings with a potential romantic interest:
1. Don't Get Involved With Someone Too Fast. It goes without saying
that the less you know about that other person, the more potentially could go
wrong if you get involved too quickly. For a man in this system, a bad
break-up can mean not only the loss of the children from the relationship,
but even if you don't have children with a woman, it can mean the loss of
your freedom. You can be falsely accused of domestic violence or stalking,
and be arrested and charged and incarcerated. DV allegations from a new
relationship are often used against you to take away children from your prior
relationship.
You can also lose your right to own firearms if you are convicted of any DV
offense, even a misdemeanor. Men who are police, security officers, gun
collectors or hunters be especially aware. If the woman knows you are an avid
gun enthusiast, or have to carry a gun in your career, a DV protection order
or charges can be highly devastating.
Even a few dates with a woman can form the basis of her getting a
restraining/protection order against you if she decides you did something
wrong. I often say, a man is only one date away from losing his liberty (and
children, career, home, etc.).
2. Watch Out For the Professional Victim. It is a major red flag if
she claims she was abused by a past husband or boyfriend (or father, or
mother, or grandparent, or sibling, or family pet). Maybe she was really
abused, or she wasn't, but used false allegations against the guy to get a
better deal. Either way, she likely knows the system and knows how to play
the victim for her benefit. Many men find out only later that the former
husband or boyfriend she claimed abused her did nothing of the sort, and that
the false claims she is making against you now are the exact same things she
claimed one or several former partners did to her.
Now, let's talk about some practical things you can do when involved in
divorce proceedings. Most apply to during, but some apply before and after:
DO'S AND DON'T'S TO
HELP YOU AVOID TROUBLE
OK, I lied, there aren't any DO's, they are all DON'T's! (almost).
DON'T EVER, EVER, GET
INTO ANY PHYSICAL CONFRONTATIONS.
Even if she hits, punches, slaps, scratches, kicks or bites you, do not
respond. Just shield yourself with your hands and try to get away. Even the
act of pushing her away, or holding her arms to stop her from hitting you,
can be chargeable domestic violence. Run, run away if she comes at you. Lock
yourself in the bathroom, the garage, or get in the car and drive around the
block. Do anything to de-escalate the situation. (If she loves the dog more
than you, hold the dog in your arms while you have a discussion with her.
This will probably avert a frontal assault).
EVERY SINGLE CASE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HAS MANY CHOICES LEADING UP TO IT THAT
ONE OR BOTH PARTICIPANTS COULD HAVE MADE TO AVOID ESCALATION. Don't let
yourself get out of control to the point where it involves physical actions
or threats or gestures of physical force. DV assault can be as minor as
blocking her egress from a room or grabbing her wrist to get her to stay and
talk. DON'T DO IT!
DON'T GET BAITED INTO
BAD BEHAVIOR.
No matter what she says to you, or screams, or does, do not respond in kind.
Do not argue, yell, raise your voice, get mad, swear, gesture, threaten, or
even glare at her. Don't leave nasty, angry or profane messages on her voice
mail (or anyone else's). Do not express any angry thoughts to anyone but your
attorney. Even counselors can be subpoenaed to testify about what you said.
Don't throw things, break things, hit things or even make movements as though
you are about to. DO NOT smash your fist into the drywall (ouch) even if you
are the only one hurt by it. This behavior can be considered domestic
violence (threat of imminent harm, malicious mischief). Even if it is YOUR
PROPERTY, do not do any violence to it. Even if you're not angry, and just
wanted to break something to see what happens, or find out what's inside,
DON'T. It can be used against you later to prove you are violent and out of
control.
Do not ever, ever, slap your spouse even if she asks you to. Some guys have
done that and learned the hard way she was hoping you would do it so she
would have justification to have you charged or get a protection order.
GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR
INNER WIMP.
I'm not kidding. You cannot show anger or negative emotions. Be a robot, do
not respond even if she hits you (literally or figuratively) below the belt.
Always be more willing to switch than fight. Your new motto is: "Yes
Dear."
If you truly have trouble controlling your anger and emotions, get help from
someone, before you do something irreparable.
STOP AND THINK WHENEVER YOU SEE THINGS GETTING OUT OF HAND. DE-ESCALATE AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY.
DON'T EVER let her or
anyone else provoke you into violence.
Stop and think, what would your attorney advise you to do (call and ask if
you can). Since you can't always call in every situation, I sometimes tell
clients: Think WWLD: What Would Lisa Do? (apologies to you-know-who).
If you are not convinced how bad it can get, read one of those DV brochures
and their lists of what they consider domestic violence. Such common
relationship attributes as jokes, insults, put-downs, disagreements, etc. are
listed as escalating all the way up to assault and murder.
If your spouse ever decides to go after you in DV/family court, she will have
an army of helpers, DV advocates, counselors, social workers, et al, to help
her with the "script" and the buzzwords to use to go after you.
Don't let her have any ammunition against you.
DON'T CALL 911 UNLESS
YOU ARE BLEEDING AND SHE STILL HAS A WEAPON IN HER HAND.
Too many men who have called 911 for help have ended up being arrested for
DV. Even if she has assaulted you, by the time the police arrive she can cook
up a story that you are the real abuser, and she was only defending herself.
Once the police are involved, you have lost all control over the situation.
Even if the police actually do arrest her (and in some areas this is
occurring more frequently) the prosecutor may decline to charge her. In which
case, she is now as angry as a wounded wild animal. Her next stop is probably
the DV advocate at the district courthouse, to file for a protection order
against you.
DON'T OPEN YOURSELF UP
TO CHILD ABUSE CHARGES.
Don't spank or use any corporal punishment with the children (possibly for
the rest of their minority). During divorce the spouse can use it to get a DV
protection order, and also after. Also the child can accuse you of abuse even
if it was reasonable discipline.
Don't sleep with them or spend more than the absolute minimum time helping
them dress or bathe. Make sure the children have their own beds and bedrooms
and be firm about them sleeping there. Don't let them fall asleep with you,
even on the couch watching a movie, or come sleep with you in the middle of
the night. Lock your door if you have to.
And get that kiddie pornography off your computer. It will come back to haunt
you when you least expect it. (Ha ha, just kidding, I hope). Get rid of
"regular" pornography. Even though it is legal to buy and look at,
it will be used against you in a divorce (she'll accuse you of having an
"addiction" to porn). Don't visit seamy internet sites, even just
out of curiosity. The other side will make you out to be a deviant pervert.
And be especially vigilant that the children do not get access to anything
inappropriate in your house or on your computer.
DON'T LET INNOCENT
BEHAVIOR BE TURNED SINISTER.
Don't play rough with the children, or with pets. Don't let the children do
so either.
Don't play rough with your spouse, especially in bed. Don't ever joke or talk
about rape or kinky sex. It will be used against you.
Even if your wife is a veritable Paris Hilton in bed, during the divorce
she'll channel Mother Teresa, claiming you forced her into all sorts of
demeaning behavior. (See Jack Ryan case; former Senate candidate who quit
after abuse allegations made by former wife surfaced during campaign).
Don't joke or even talk about violence, suicide, etc. These statements can be
quoted and made to sound serious and sinister in court filings.
If you are already separated, do not go to her residence alone (even if it is
the house you still co-own). Go with a witness only, or meet her at a neutral
location. Do not take her up on an invitation to come over. If you have to go
there, to drop off or pick up the children, or items, go only when she is
present, and only go as far as the front door, don't go inside. Don't drop
off something at her residence when she is not there, even if she has asked
you to. She might be setting you up for an allegation that you went there and
broke in, rifled through her things, or were spying on her or stalking her.
It should go without saying, but DON'T VIOLATE ANY COURT ORDERS, IN ANY WAY,
AT ANY TIME. If you are under court order to stay way from your spouse, take
extra care to follow the restrictions, even going out of your way to avoid
being near her home, workplace, or wherever she might frequent. Draw a map if
you have to, circle the sensitive areas, and stay out of the HOT ZONE! You
don't need to go to the same grocery store or coffee shop you always have.
Find a new area to hang out. If you do run into her, it will be her coming
into your area, not the other way around.
Also, never enter her vehicle, even to put something in it for the children.
Her vehicle is an extension of herself, and she can claim you were trying to
take her things or sabotage the car. Just think if she had a flat tire and
you happened to be in the area, she could claim you did it.
If after you have separated you still have a key to her car, give it back to
her and get a receipt.
DON'T ADMIT TO BAD
BEHAVIOR OR IMPLY YOU'VE DONE WRONG.
While being in a relationship often requires the ability to say "I'm
sorry," once things break down and the war has begun, the other side may
be waiting for the opportunity to get you on record confessing to various
malfeasance. If you have to apologize for anything, do it verbally, and in a
general way. Do not write a note or letter confessing your sins. Many a
divorcing guy has been served copies of his own heartfelt apology letter,
"proving" he did everything she accuses him of doing. Many times
the woman demands such a letter and the guy complies, having no idea she will
use it against him. If you need to get something off your chest, write
yourself a letter, then promptly shred it.
DON'T LET YOUR WIFE
INTERFERE WITH YOUR BEING A PARENT.
On many initial consultations for divorce, the husband tells me he wants to
be more involved with the children, but his wife won't let him. She even
hides soccer schedules, school parent-teacher notices, and doctor visits from
him, so she can go by herself and "prove" that he is an uninvolved
parent. If your wife engages in these tactics, don't confront her, just get
the information directly from the school, team, doctor, or wherever, and go
anyway. If you find out after the fact that she's taken the child to the
doctor or dentist for some treatment, schedule an appointment and go in and
discuss things with them yourself. When you do go in, with or without the
children, make sure the chart notes indicate you were there.
Check with the school that you are on the information/emergency contact card.
Fill a separate one out if you have to. Ask for duplicate copies of school
notices, homework information, etc. to be sent directly to you. Even if your
wife has already signed a homework assignment or permission slip, sign too.
Don't be an invisible parent. Let the teachers know your child has two
involved parents. Get e-mail addresses for the teachers and communicate with
them regularly about your child. Don't denigrate your wife or mention the
parenting conflicts going on, just find out what you can do and do it.
Remember, everyone you come in contact with during this process is a
potential witness, for or against you. Get and keep names and contact
information for teachers, counselors, coaches, medical providers, and other
parents, so you can get their statements if needed.
Document, document, document. The family court system is gender bias in
action. When the mother claims she is the "primary parent," no
evidence is needed. When the father claims he is the "primary
parent," or even an equally-involved parent, the courts demand
"where's the evidence?" It is not enough to BE an involved parent,
you have to PROVE it. Always be thinking, how can I document what I am doing?
DON'T LET ALCOHOL OR
DRUGS INTERFERE WITH YOUR JUDGMENT.
If you have a problem with either, get it under control.
Don't drink, smoke, chew, or use drugs. Even a social drinker can be made to
look like a drunk, so the prudent thing to do is not drink at all. After the
divorce is over, you can resume your normal drinking binges (ha ha, just
kidding, I hope).
DON'T SNOOP OR SPY,
BUT IF YOU DO, DON'T GET CAUGHT.
If your wife is having an affair and you catch her, that is one of the NUMBER
ONE triggers for false allegations of domestic violence.
Most states have no-fault divorce, EXCEPT IF IT'S THE MAN'S FAULT. In other
words, everything she does is OK, but anything you do is bad. Don't give her
any ammo for claims that you are "harassing" her,
"stalking" her or "invading her privacy."
If you happen to read her e-mail, listen to her phone messages, or overhear
conversations, just gather the most information you can, but don't keep
copies of anything. She may find it and use it to prove you are snooping.
Always observe good security measures for yourself. Have secure passwords for
your programs, and don't leave them on sticky-notes on the computer. If
possible, only use e-mail for personal communications at your office, not at
home (if your employer allows it). Be sure your voice mail code is not
something the other party has, or she could be listening to your messages.
Even if she moves out of the house, she could still be calling in and
checking messages on the answering machine/voice mail.
Always be sure to clearly terminate a call after you have spoken with your
spouse or left a voice message. Make sure your cell phone doesn't
accidentally dial or re-dial her number while you're talking to someone else
about her (or anything for that matter), and the entire conversation is
getting recorded on her voice mail. This has happened to more than a few
people, and when it happens during a heated divorce/custody battle, you will
greatly regret it.
Keep any and all documents related to the divorce at a secure, off-site
location. Keep a back-up set of copies in case one set gets lost or
destroyed. Give a set to your attorney for safekeeping.
DON'T KEEP GUNS OR
OTHER WEAPONS AROUND.
Store guns or other weapons at a secure location elsewhere besides the family
home. Get a receipt for all guns kept by a third party. If the guns are not
there, she will have a harder time claiming you threatened her with one (I
said harder, not impossible). She may also accuse you of turning the children
into gun-crazed wackos (just like you). It is best to defer firearms
handling, training and target practice until well after the divorce. And for
God's sake don't take the children out into the woods and kill small, cute,
furry forest creatures.
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE
HOW BAD THE SYSTEM CAN BE.
Don't make the mistake of thinking the "justice system" is about
"justice."
Don't make the mistake of thinking that if the truth is on your side, you'll
be OK. The truth may be out there, but it rarely matters in family court.
You must start well before the case gets to divorce court to have any chance
of reasonable success. Making too many mistakes in the process will be
irreparable.
DON'T ARGUE WITH YOUR
ATTORNEY WHEN HE/SHE TELLS YOU TO DO OR NOT DO SOMETHING.
Follow your attorney's advice. If you don't you'll regret it later.
If you feel your attorney is not giving you this kind of advice, then you may
need to change attorneys.