FW: DADDY BE PATIENT/post divorce moving on
Marius Janse van Rensburg
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Divorced Dads - Patience is a Virtue
Ever since I was a little boy, I've been reminded of the phrase: "patience is a virtue." I still have no idea who coined the phrase, but they were spot on. It's one of those concepts that's simple, but not easy. Tom Petty says it best, "The waiting is the hardest part." So, what does patience have to do with divorce? Well, ah, Everything. If the concept of divorce is in the anger, threat, "I'm mad, but not serious," stage; patience is a vital tool. It allows you to walk through your challenges, address issues and look for solutions. If you're patient, it could enable you to reconcile. If, however, the proceedings have started, you better believe a lack of patience will devastate you. Talking to an attorney, talking to your wife, talking to anyone when you are not calm, puts you at risk. You can say things out of haste that will haunt you in the courtroom and beyond. And believe me, if there is anything she can use against you, she will. Shakespeare said it best, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Like I said, patience is not easy, but it's a vital for your survival. We men like to fix things. Take action. Don't wait for the dust to settle, create the dust, stir things up. These are all great attributes, and have enabled men to conquer fear, achieve dreams and build empires. But there is a time and a place for everything. And, if you have kids (chances are you do since the title of this article is Divorced Dads ...) the time to act is after the divorce is final. Be the dad you've always wanted to be, the one that you kept on the shelf because it might make her angry, uncomfortable, or scared. Just be you, love your children, with a genuine love; with enthusiasm. Show them the real you. They're kids, and that means they're perceptive. They will quickly recognize the real you. They will see her anger, and decide they'd rather be with your love than with her threats. But if you lose composure, if you become impatient, they lose, and so do you. Heck, for that matter, let her have the house, the car, the furniture. All of that can be recovered over time. Be patient. Let her get riled up. Let her make the threats. The kids will remember that, and possibly the neighbors. Let anger do what anger does best: fester. It grows like a cancer. It will drive her, comfort and console her. It will motivate and guide her. It will force her charming persona to be revealed for what it is, and offer you the chance no lawyer or court would provide: real redemption. Child Custody - Fathers Winning Custody
In years past it was customary for a mother to automatically get physical custody of children in a divorce. With most women now in the workforce that is changing these days and now more father's are seeing the courts decide in their favor when it is in the best interest of the child. While it is still accepted in most places that children would normally be placed in physical custody of their mothers more father's are making a strong case for physical custody. Divorce scenarios are different today than they were 20 to 30 years ago. No longer do we see stay at home mom's raising children while father's work outside the home and provide for the family. This is the single biggest factor in father's winning custody. A female can no longer be assured of getting physical custody of her children if she and her ex husband both have jobs outside the home. The courts are now looking more equally at both parents being able to care for their children and more father's are getting custody now than at any other time. Father's should still assume it will be an uphill battle to gain custody but it is not impossible. Some questions you will have to ask yourself will be who has a history of taking care of the children while the marriage was intact? If you as a father have not had any primary care for your child how could you expect to be granted custody? If you are attempting to gain custody so you can reduce or avoid paying child support you are not doing what is in the best interest of your children. Think about your motivation before you decide to make your case. Many states today consider any custody litigation as gender neutral. The playing field has been leveled considerably. If you can show you are responsible, caring, and have the best interest of the children through your behavior in the past and documentation when you go to court you will have a much greater chance at winning custody of your children. Don't forget to have an attorney who has won custody for another father on your side. Primary physical custody is your goal. If that is not possible you should at least get joint legal custody with the primary caregiver being the mother. Some type of shared custody, if it is best for the child, can be a good alternative. This will give you plenty of time with your children. You should never enter a custody dispute without proper documentation and preparation. Ignoring this alone has destroyed the chances of many capable, loving fathers winning custody of their children. Follow this simple advise and you will be a leg up. Be polite and be prepared Dating After Divorce - When Is It Too
Soon to Date After a Divorce? Making the choice to begin dating after divorce may cause lots of emotions for you. The thought can be exciting, scary, happy or even sad. But what about the feelings your kids may be having about it? One of the most important aspects to keep in mind when considering your children's reactions is how long you have been divorced. This has a huge impact on kids. Divorce research has shown time and time again, that kids take much longer to deal with all of the changes that come about as a result of a divorce than you are. By the time you're thinking about dating again, they may still be reeling from the divorce itself. Your dating makes this whole divorce thing much more real. Before then, you and their other parent just aren't living in the same house. From a kid's perspective that means there's still the possibility that things may change and go back to "normal" (even though you've told them hundreds of times it won't). Once they know you're going out with somebody else, it puts the finality of the divorce into much greater clarity. It's NOT just that you aren't in the same house now. It's that somebody else may "replace" their other parent. If this happens too soon, it can be overwhelming for kids. They are still grieving the loss of their old family and it feels to them that you're already trying to replace it with another family. Even if it's just a first date with someone, it will feel this way to kids. Another aspect that complicates things is whether an affair is what broke up the marriage. If you begin dating too soon, kids may start wondering if that was the reason for the divorce. This will not start you and your new partner off on the right foot with your kids. Because of all these reasons, be prepared for your kids to be upset to some extent about your dating. Does that mean you shouldn't begin dating? Not necessarily. But I will offer these questions to you if you're dating less than 4 months after your divorce is final (the keyword in that sentence is FINAL): 1. Why now? 2. What are you hoping for by dating again? 3. What have YOU done for yourself to help heal after your divorce? 4. How well are you getting along with your ex-spouse? If the answers to these revolve around fear of being alone, not really feeling the need to look back at the previous marriage and there still being a lot of conflict between you and your ex-spouse, then I'm going to suggest waiting awhile before dating. Not only are your kids not ready, but neither are you. Dating After Divorce - 5 Ways to Know
You're Ready to Date After Your Divorce The divorce has been final for awhile and now friends are pressuring you about getting "back out there" and dating again. You're getting all kinds of helpful advice about people they know who would be perfect for you. But are you ready? Is adding the dating scene to your life a good move for you right now? Let's look at 5 tasks that need to be accomplished before you seriously consider dating again... 1. You're emotionally stable - There's quite a roller coaster of emotions experienced during and after a divorce. Sometimes it can make you feel crazy. Those chaotic feelings should be over at this point. No more sudden crying or complete loss of temper for no reason. All of those strong emotions about the divorce itself should have passed by now as well. The death fantasies about your ex should have ceased to exist. 2. You see your ex-spouse as the other parent not as romantic partner - The reconciliation dreams have stopped as well. You have accepted that the marriage is over and there's no reversal of that. In fact, you may have a better perspective on how your marriage used to be now, and are grateful not to be in that situation anymore. A good way to know you've accomplished this is that you don't have a desire to "get even" or try to hurt your ex. You don't view dating as a race to see who can remarry quicker or show they are the happiest now. 3. Life has calmed down - The dust has settled on all the crazy changes that happen after a divorce. All the settlements are complete. You know where you're living and are settled there. Financially you know where you stand. There aren't all the loose ends hanging out all over the place and the uncertainties that are present everywhere when recently divorced. 4. You've created a family with your children as a single parent - With life settling down and you becoming less emotional, you've been able to really reinvest your energies with your kids. You've created an environment in your home that is a family. It's not just a bunch of broken people living in the same house. You've created new traditions and ways of doing life together as this new family unit. 5. Genuinely desire companionship - this is NOT being desperate to be in a couple. In that situation, you'll take anyone. No, now you feel confident in your ability to live your own life alone, but choose not to. It's about wanting someone to compliment the life you've created, NOT fulfill it. Your life is already fulfilling. Your desire now is to just add to it. This one is really the crux of all 5 tips. If you feel a panicky desire to get out there and date due to a need to be in a couple, pressure from friends or any other reason, the hard truth is that you're not ready. With that being your motivation, you're much more likely to wind up in a relationship with someone not deserving of you or your children. Your choosiness antennae won't be up and you'll grasp the first breathing body that smiles at you
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