From: Asif Suleman
[mailto:medi...@medis.co.za]
Sent: 07 April 2008 11:50 AM
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: BEFORE LABELLING YOUR EX WITH A PSYCHIATRIC DIAGNOSIS
NARCISSTIC PERSONALITY DISORDERS
HI ALL
Quiet often I hear from individuals, Who say they did so much for the ex and it all ended up as nothing.. That they can not believe that someone they loved and cared for so much has started acting with such coldness and malice We all have our regrets In fact if the truth be told...none of us are the great saints Or angels we sometimes wish to be perceived as, in our marriages
REGRET is good if you learn from your mistakes,and have taken corrective steps GOOD ON YOU
The recent material sent out on children of narcissistic parents, and info on borderline personality disorders has evoked significant response Just remember that we all have multiple personality traits, and it is only when these traits manifest themselves in a pathological extreme manner that they me be labelled a disorder
In your trial or case if you do try to label the ex in such a manner, you may find yourself in a worse off position Make sure its a qualified specialist diagnosis, and not you playing DR PSYCHIATRIST
Another important aspect to bear in mind, I often write about co-operative positive divorce and mediation as a tool... ARE YOU ACTUALLY WALKING THE WALK OR JUST TALKING THE TALK
Remember, long after the divorce attorneys have walked away, and all the paperwork sorted...you and your family ex and kids still have to cope with the divorce....... BY ALL MEANS FIGHT FOR YOUR YOUR ACCESS RIGHTS BUT HAS THE MANNER YOU HAVE DONE SO MAKE YOU PROUD HAVE YOU ACTED IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF YOUR CHILDREN?
your children need both parents to be friends and I hope you can restore this friendship , wherever possible F4J members and supporters do tend to come from high conflict divorce situations and the practice of PAS is well documented in borderline personality and narcisstic personality disorders, so I understand that we definitely have a far higher prevalence in our group
SO READ UP ON THESE TRAITS.DISORDERS AND EDUCATE YOURSELF, THE FA, AND YOUR REPRESENTATIVES
The poem below was written in the 1600's, and tells of the love of a royal for a woman....there are many interpretations, and the author is anonymous
LADY GREENSLEEVES
My Love! you do me wrong To cast me off discourteously; And I have loved you so long, Delighting in your company.
"Greensleeves was all my joy, Greensleeves was my delight; Greensleves was my heart of gold, And who but Lady Greensleves."
I have been ready at your hand To grant whatever you would crave; I have waged life and land Your love and goodwill for to have
Narcissistic Personality Disorder While
grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research
evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a
grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life
experiences, and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is
defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal
relations.
Translation: Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) is a pattern of self-centered or egotistical
behavior that shows up in thinking and behavior in a lot of different
situations and activities. People with NPD won't (or can't) change their
behavior even when it causes problems at work or when other people complain
about the way they act, or when their behavior causes a lot of emotional
distress to others (or themselves? none of my narcissists ever admit to being
distressed by their own behavior -- they always blame other people for any
problems). This pattern of self-centered or egotistical behavior is not
caused by current drug or alcohol use, head injury, acute psychotic episodes,
or any other illness, but has been going on steadily at least since
adolescence or early adulthood.
Translation: Grandiosity is the hallmark of narcissism. So what is grandiose? The simplest everyday way that narcissists show their exaggerated sense of self-importance is by talking about family, work, life in general as if there is nobody else in the picture. Whatever they may be doing, in their own view, they are the star, and they give the impression that they are bearing heroic responsibility for their family or department or company, that they have to take care of everything because their spouses or co-workers are undependable, uncooperative, or otherwise unfit. They ignore or denigrate the abilities and contributions of others and complain that they receive no help at all; they may inspire your sympathy or admiration for their stoicism in the face of hardship or unstinting self-sacrifice for the good of (undeserving) others. But this everyday grandiosity is an aspect of narcissism that you may never catch on to unless you visit the narcissist's home or workplace and see for yourself that others are involved and are pulling their share of the load and, more often than not, are also pulling the narcissist's share as well. An example is the older woman who told me with a sigh that she knew she hadn't been a perfect mother but she just never had any help at all -- and she said this despite knowing that I knew that she had worn out and discarded two devoted husbands and had lived in her parents' pocket (and pocketbook) as long as they lived, quickly blowing her substantial inheritance on flaky business schemes. Another example is claiming unusual benefits or spectacular results from ordinary effort and investment, giving the impression that somehow the narcissist's time and money are worth more than other people's. [Here is an article about recognizing and coping with narcissism in the workplace; it is rather heavy on management jargon and psychobabble, but worth reading. "The Impact of Narcissism on Leadership and Sustainability" by Bruce Gregory, Ph.D. "When the narcissistic defense is operating in an interpersonal or group setting, the grandiose part does not show its face in public. In public it presents a front of patience, congeniality, and confident reasonableness."] In popular usage, the terms narcissism, narcissist, and narcissistic denote absurd vanity and are applied to people whose ambitions and aspirations are much grander than their evident talents. Sometimes these terms are applied to people who are simply full of themselves -- even when their real achievements are spectacular. Outstanding performers are not always modest, but they aren't grandiose if their self-assessments are realistic; e.g., Muhammad Ali, then Cassius Clay, was notorious for boasting "I am the greatest!" and also pointing out that he was the prettiest, but he was the greatest and the prettiest for a number of years, so his self-assessments weren't grandiose. Some narcissists are flamboyantly boastful and self-aggrandizing, but many are inconspicuous in public, saving their conceit and autocratic opinions for their nearest and dearest. Common conspicuous grandiose behaviors include expecting special treatment or admiration on the basis of claiming (a) to know important, powerful or famous people or (b) to be extraordinarily intelligent or talented. As a real-life example, I used to have a neighbor who told his wife that he was the youngest person since Sir Isaac Newton to take a doctorate at Oxford. The neighbor gave no evidence of a world-class education, so I looked up Newton and found out that Newton had completed his baccalaureate at the age of twenty-two (like most people) and spent his entire academic career at Cambridge. The grandiose claims of narcissists are superficially plausible fabrications, readily punctured by a little critical consideration. The test is performance: do they deliver the goods? (There's also the special situation of a genius who's also strongly narcissistic, as perhaps Frank Lloyd Wright. Just remind yourself that the odds are that you'll meet at least 1000 narcissists for every genius you come across.) [More on grandiosity.]
Translation: Narcissists cultivate solipsistic or "autistic" fantasies, which is to say that they live in their own little worlds (and react with affront when reality dares to intrude).
Translation: Narcissists think that everyone who is not special and superior is worthless. By definition, normal, ordinary, and average aren't special and superior, and so, to narcissists, they are worthless.
Translation: Excessive in two ways: they want praise, compliments, deference, and expressions of envy all the time, and they want to be told that everything they do is better than what others can do. Sincerity is not an issue here; all that matter are frequency and volume.
Translation: They expect automatic compliance with their wishes or especially favorable treatment, such as thinking that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they're doing to do what the narcissists want, and may react with hurt or rage when these expectations are frustrated.
Translation: Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the other people.
Translation: They are unwilling to recognize or
sympathize with other people's feelings and needs. They "tune out"
when other people want to talk about their own problems.
Translation: No translation needed.
Translation: They treat other people like dirt.
.
HOW MANY NARCISSTIC TRAITS DOES YOUR EX HAVE? NOW WHAT ABOUT YOU? "It is those we live with and love and should know, who elude us." Norman Maclean
1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment. Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies. 2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract
breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor
me' victim. 3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family
a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent
in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have
iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly
support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda.
Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to
rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to
others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal
conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further
their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them
holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom. 4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography,
masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young,
old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what
is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily
bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another
behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support. 5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and
circumstances. A master at projection. 6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist.
Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses
others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or
revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad
judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines
rejection and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and
push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make
you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no
remorse or regard for the rights of others. 7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets
separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic
and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and
discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his
objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and
cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially
dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in
to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his
proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall
or enjoys the performance he is directing. 8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his
over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant
gratification. Will want you to do likewise. 9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will
come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values,
interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect,
ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes
integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us
phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims
suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the
double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and
salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a
"new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our
"Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is
lengthy. 10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can, 11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is
watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal
cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His
pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target:
women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie. 12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a
severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be
intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and
confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He
seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming,
name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty
he will do so. 13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain
status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and
politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or
mentally weak. 14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor
impulse control is a hallmark. 15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of
exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if
he anticipates exposure or abandonment. 16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials
and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our
envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his
arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his
mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and
superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend - to those outside
his home. 17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He
has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left
numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now
remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions.
Those closest to him become objectified and expendable. 18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality.
"Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news.
This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls,
manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals. 19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may 'slip
up' revealing his nature saying "You need to protect yourself around
me" or "Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh
along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the
devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning. 20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll
go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking
forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of
his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks.
He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our
judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..."
We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting
attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow
him back in our lives. Enjoy life free of the Narcissist!! The male gender is used. Your abuser may well be female DR ASIF SULEMAN [MbChB-NATAL] REGIONAL CO-ORDINATOR FATHERS-4-JUSTICE[KZN] 453 WINDERMERE RD, MORNINGSIDE DURBAN
INTENDED RECIPIENTS ONLY.F4J IS A REGISTERED NGO/NPO ACTIVELY PROMOTING A CHILDS BEST INTERESTS AFTER PARENTAL SEPERATION.PARENTAL ALIENATION IS CHILD ABUSE.LET OUR KIDS BE THE WINNERS AND NOT THE PRIZE |
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