About "Me"... Or rather, who I have become
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empleh
Apr 10, 2009, 1:59:09 AM4/10/09
to Pain Killers Anonymous
I don't know how I stumbled across your website. I just started
searching, hoping that something would pop out at me and cure me from
this vicsious cycle. I decided to join because I know I am ready. I
want to tell my story because I NEED help and I am too ashamed to ask
anyone I know - they will be disappointed in me and I can't stand that
thought. I have worked so hard to keep up this act and I don't know
how to come back. I love and hate these pills... But, I hate what I
have become even more. So, here is my story... Its long but I hope
that someone will read it because THIS is my very first step in
becoming "ME" again.
Home from work, worried that I may not have enough pills to get me
through until my script is ready and even then, it only keeps me
"happy" for a few days. Because, as you know, it never seems to be
enough... I constantly think about how I can get more; I plan my life
around these nasty little pills - or what I call my life for lack of a
better term.
I am a happy, loving person... A wife to a wonderful man, the luckiest
Mama in all the world to a gorgeous 10 year old girl and the sweetest,
most handsome 3 year old boy you would EVER meet, and I am almost a
graduate in my dream career (I have worked so hard!). I feel that it
is all a big fat lie... Nobody knows that I get a pain script every 10
days... Nobody knows that when I take my purse with me into the closet
or bathroom, its because I can't let anyone see what or how many pills
I take... Nobody knows that if I say I can't join you for a movie, or
dinner, or even a girls-night, I am saying no because I don't have
enough pills to get me high enough to enjoy myself in the slightest
bit... Nobody knows that I don't really have that much pain anymore
and all the trips to the ER are simply because... I NEED PILLS.
I think about my life before these pills and even the 2 years in
between that I went off of them. I DID feel better... about
everything. I could smile and laugh and TRULY feel it inside - That is
gone. I can't remember a time in the last 2 years that I have felt joy
- true joy that warms me from the inside out. I feel guilt and sadness
- I am all alone because that is what I have created for myself... My
family does not know about my addiction and I don't know how to let
them down... AGAIN!
About 6 years ago, I was diagnosed with TMJ. I was grinding my teeth
so bad that my gums bled all the time and my face was 2x its normal
size. I couldn't sleep and didn't have the money to continue with the
very expensive treatments so, a friend had a tonsilectomy and had a
very large bottle of liquid Percocet 10/325 that she could not take. I
started taking half doses to sleep and it worked wonders. About 2
weeks into it, I got a late phonecall and was up very late. While I
was on the phone, I started to notice how good I felt, how happy I was
and the euphoric feeling I had. I was hooked... I don't think I slept
more than 4 hours a night after that because I loved staying up late,
reading, talking, smoking - everything felt so great! It became more
of a "me-time" treat than a form of pain-relief. When I ran out, I
never realized how much I would miss it but, man did I!! I would get
some every once in a while but it was not a big deal - at least I
thought.
About a year later, I started having some other medical problems and
my Primary Care Dr. was prescribing Lortabs to me like candy... After
a few months, he sent me to a Pain Management Dr and he prescribed
Norco 4x a day - that was all I needed. I lived for those appointments
each month. He was a nice Dr. but, he didn't seem to mind that I had
no real physiologic signs of pain and always upped my dose and
amounts.
I moved to Colorado and could not get my refills and went cold
turkey... The WORST 2 weeks of my life. I literally would have been
happier dead. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, no matter what
I did. But, after that awful time, I felt so awesome. I still had a
major mental & emotional addiction to the pills but I felt so great
that I could deal with it. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was so
proud of me for goin off of them that he finally made the decision to
propose to me and we were married. I was pregnant with my son, raising
my daughter, and trying to be the "perfect wife" - life was great. I
had to have my son prematurely and it was rather emergent so there was
a lot of recovery involved. My Dr. gave me the normal Percocet
prescription for after childbirth - I was scared to take them but I
did OK... I made sure that I only took them for true pain - I even
threw the rest away when I was recovered.
Fast forward to the present... Almost 2 years ago, I started having
some serious abdominal/female pain. I went to my Dr and of course, he
prescribed Lortab. I don't know what was different that time but that
first 3 prescriptions were so easy, and good... I fell in love all
over again - Starting with the "prescribed" dose of one every 8 hours
to now where I double up on the amount and take them about every 2-3
hours... I had a major surgery to try and correct some of the problems
and it was not successful. I honestly do have some painful medical
problems and I honestly do have SOME pain although it is not what I
make it out to be. Every time I call for my refill, I have a gnawing
feeling in the pit of my stomach that this will be the time they say
"no more". This time around, I honestly think I would not make it
through. I don't feel normal if I don't have my pills and lately, I
don't feel well unless I have a certain amount for the day. I really
do want to stop - i just don't know how. My husband doesn't know this
time around and I don't know how to go through the withdrawals without
him knowing what is wrong with me. I am so angry with myself. I have
accomplished so much and I am risking it all with this addiction. This
addiction has taken everything away from me that used to mean the
most... I can't smile; I can't laugh; I can't be on time anywhere
because I can't get out of bed; I can't even cry because everything is
numb. I long to be free of this addiction - I want ME back - I am SO
scared.
So, there you have it... The now "me" in a nutshell - the me that
needs help - the me that wants to be alive again because the only
alternative scares me. I want to read this post, someday soon, and be
proud of the "me" that I got back!
~Thanks for Reading~ All comments are MORE than welcomed... It truly
helps me to hear what you all have to say!
EN~
searching, hoping that something would pop out at me and cure me from
this vicsious cycle. I decided to join because I know I am ready. I
want to tell my story because I NEED help and I am too ashamed to ask
anyone I know - they will be disappointed in me and I can't stand that
thought. I have worked so hard to keep up this act and I don't know
how to come back. I love and hate these pills... But, I hate what I
have become even more. So, here is my story... Its long but I hope
that someone will read it because THIS is my very first step in
becoming "ME" again.
Home from work, worried that I may not have enough pills to get me
through until my script is ready and even then, it only keeps me
"happy" for a few days. Because, as you know, it never seems to be
enough... I constantly think about how I can get more; I plan my life
around these nasty little pills - or what I call my life for lack of a
better term.
I am a happy, loving person... A wife to a wonderful man, the luckiest
Mama in all the world to a gorgeous 10 year old girl and the sweetest,
most handsome 3 year old boy you would EVER meet, and I am almost a
graduate in my dream career (I have worked so hard!). I feel that it
is all a big fat lie... Nobody knows that I get a pain script every 10
days... Nobody knows that when I take my purse with me into the closet
or bathroom, its because I can't let anyone see what or how many pills
I take... Nobody knows that if I say I can't join you for a movie, or
dinner, or even a girls-night, I am saying no because I don't have
enough pills to get me high enough to enjoy myself in the slightest
bit... Nobody knows that I don't really have that much pain anymore
and all the trips to the ER are simply because... I NEED PILLS.
I think about my life before these pills and even the 2 years in
between that I went off of them. I DID feel better... about
everything. I could smile and laugh and TRULY feel it inside - That is
gone. I can't remember a time in the last 2 years that I have felt joy
- true joy that warms me from the inside out. I feel guilt and sadness
- I am all alone because that is what I have created for myself... My
family does not know about my addiction and I don't know how to let
them down... AGAIN!
About 6 years ago, I was diagnosed with TMJ. I was grinding my teeth
so bad that my gums bled all the time and my face was 2x its normal
size. I couldn't sleep and didn't have the money to continue with the
very expensive treatments so, a friend had a tonsilectomy and had a
very large bottle of liquid Percocet 10/325 that she could not take. I
started taking half doses to sleep and it worked wonders. About 2
weeks into it, I got a late phonecall and was up very late. While I
was on the phone, I started to notice how good I felt, how happy I was
and the euphoric feeling I had. I was hooked... I don't think I slept
more than 4 hours a night after that because I loved staying up late,
reading, talking, smoking - everything felt so great! It became more
of a "me-time" treat than a form of pain-relief. When I ran out, I
never realized how much I would miss it but, man did I!! I would get
some every once in a while but it was not a big deal - at least I
thought.
About a year later, I started having some other medical problems and
my Primary Care Dr. was prescribing Lortabs to me like candy... After
a few months, he sent me to a Pain Management Dr and he prescribed
Norco 4x a day - that was all I needed. I lived for those appointments
each month. He was a nice Dr. but, he didn't seem to mind that I had
no real physiologic signs of pain and always upped my dose and
amounts.
I moved to Colorado and could not get my refills and went cold
turkey... The WORST 2 weeks of my life. I literally would have been
happier dead. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, no matter what
I did. But, after that awful time, I felt so awesome. I still had a
major mental & emotional addiction to the pills but I felt so great
that I could deal with it. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was so
proud of me for goin off of them that he finally made the decision to
propose to me and we were married. I was pregnant with my son, raising
my daughter, and trying to be the "perfect wife" - life was great. I
had to have my son prematurely and it was rather emergent so there was
a lot of recovery involved. My Dr. gave me the normal Percocet
prescription for after childbirth - I was scared to take them but I
did OK... I made sure that I only took them for true pain - I even
threw the rest away when I was recovered.
Fast forward to the present... Almost 2 years ago, I started having
some serious abdominal/female pain. I went to my Dr and of course, he
prescribed Lortab. I don't know what was different that time but that
first 3 prescriptions were so easy, and good... I fell in love all
over again - Starting with the "prescribed" dose of one every 8 hours
to now where I double up on the amount and take them about every 2-3
hours... I had a major surgery to try and correct some of the problems
and it was not successful. I honestly do have some painful medical
problems and I honestly do have SOME pain although it is not what I
make it out to be. Every time I call for my refill, I have a gnawing
feeling in the pit of my stomach that this will be the time they say
"no more". This time around, I honestly think I would not make it
through. I don't feel normal if I don't have my pills and lately, I
don't feel well unless I have a certain amount for the day. I really
do want to stop - i just don't know how. My husband doesn't know this
time around and I don't know how to go through the withdrawals without
him knowing what is wrong with me. I am so angry with myself. I have
accomplished so much and I am risking it all with this addiction. This
addiction has taken everything away from me that used to mean the
most... I can't smile; I can't laugh; I can't be on time anywhere
because I can't get out of bed; I can't even cry because everything is
numb. I long to be free of this addiction - I want ME back - I am SO
scared.
So, there you have it... The now "me" in a nutshell - the me that
needs help - the me that wants to be alive again because the only
alternative scares me. I want to read this post, someday soon, and be
proud of the "me" that I got back!
~Thanks for Reading~ All comments are MORE than welcomed... It truly
helps me to hear what you all have to say!
EN~
gcat333
Apr 17, 2009, 1:56:26 PM4/17/09
to Pain Killers Anonymous
Hey Erica...wow what a great post! I'm sorry it contains all that
pain! I think this is important for all of those people out there that
are suffering just like you to know that they are not alone! The guilt
and shame are not worth it and you seem to be at that point where
you're ready to take control of your happiness. When I got off my
Norco's I was amazed looking back at how depressed I was. I was using
the pills to create a false sense of relief but I was really just
making the other 22hours of the day miserable. Thanks for the
excellent post!
-George
www.Withdrawal-Ease.com
pain! I think this is important for all of those people out there that
are suffering just like you to know that they are not alone! The guilt
and shame are not worth it and you seem to be at that point where
you're ready to take control of your happiness. When I got off my
Norco's I was amazed looking back at how depressed I was. I was using
the pills to create a false sense of relief but I was really just
making the other 22hours of the day miserable. Thanks for the
excellent post!
-George
www.Withdrawal-Ease.com
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