Been Praying...

[empleh]

I have been praying that something would come along that would force
me to stop. I think that I got that today... Its embarassing and
shameful to be caught. I don't know whether to be happy, ashamed, or
sad because that life is on its way behind me. Does that sound stupid?
That I am starting to mourn the loss of my euphoric life and the death
of my super-pain-pill-self? I know that I don't really feel that way
anymore when I take the pills but that is, of course, what I will
remember about them, making it that much harder to stop and be pain-
pill free for good. I hate this next month... I hate that I will be
unbearable to be around and that I will feel that a shotgun would be a
more appetizing alternative to what's in store for me...

On the flip side, since having been through this before, I do have
something to look forward to... The 'free' me and that is what I hope
gets me through the next 4 weeks.

I will try to blog about my recovery - I can't make any promises to
anyone other than myself right now.

Thank you all for listening... I am really going to do this - It truly
can't wait anymore.