Fr. Seraphim Holland
Fr. Nicholas Hadzellis
May His Memory be Eternal!!!
Father Christopher Constantinides
Presiding Priest
Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church
13555 Hillcrest Road
Dallas, TX 75240
972-991-1166
www.holytrinitydallas.org
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Seraphim Holland
Two days in.
Time has not stopped for me. I have been confused about time, but that is only a slight amplification of normal for me. I have grieved more than any other time in my life, and have felt the embrace of the Theotokos, more than any other time in my life. She has been with Daniel from before his birth (when Tim, his big brother, sang "More Honorable" countless times for him), and she prepared me for his passing, when I was at the Monastery, a month before his passing, the icon of her, "Surety of sinners", outside my door - the same one that is remembered on the day of my son's death and translation.
I did not know, but she did, and I would have done things differently, had I known he was going to die. I was not ready, but she was ready.
There have been miracles - the best kind - in human hearts. I have not cried very much today. Once in a while, I remember the water, and my son's face, which I wept over, and kissed yesterday, and I am terribly sad, but this is a sorrowful gladness, because all is as God desires. I do not know if this sadness will completely go away, but I know the gladness will increase. All we need to do is listen, and submit, and be available.
I will say this, and not be in danger of dislocating my shoulder, because it is true. Our family - our EXTENDED family - is full of people - every one - who have deep hearts and a great capacity to bear other's suffering and care, on the deepest level - in the deep heart. It is what we do, it is how we roll, and God will bring us more suffering souls, and we will completely understand now. We will pray more, and do some things less, and the Theotokos will guide us, and we will be instruments of God's mercy upon others. This holy "ustav", this rule of life, is already being followed, and we will never stop following it. It is the way of life, and it honors my son, as he lived in this way.
Not everyone I love is in this place of peaceful, but hard and painful sorrow, because there is still too much pain, and not enough gladness. I became a changed man yesterday, and for others, their time will come. In the meantime - we work, we cry, we notice, we pray, we do prostrations with groaning, we live in the shadow of grace - a shadow to our senses, but in a purified soul, it appears as it is, a light without shadow, that drives out all darkness.
Psalm 41:5 Why
art thou cast down, O my soul? And why dost thou disquiet me? Hope in
God, for I will give thanks unto Him; He is the salvation of my
countenance,
41:6 and my God. Within me my soul hath been troubled;
therefore will I remember Thee from the land of Jordan and Hermoniem,
from the little mountain.
41:7 Deep calleth unto deep, at the voice of Thy cataracts; all Thy billows and Thy waves have passed over me.
41:8 By day the Lord will command His mercy, and by night His ode shall be with me, my prayer unto the God of my life.
41:9 I will say unto God: Thou art my helper. Why hast Thou forgotten
me? And wherefore go I with downcast face whilst mine enemy afflicteth
me?
41:10 Whilst my bones were broken, mine enemies reproached me; whilst they said to me daily: Where is thy God?
41:11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why dost thou disquiet me?
Hope in God, for I will give thanks unto Him; He is the salvation of my
countenance, and my God.
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Priest
Seraphim Holland
Cell:972 658-5433
ST NICHOLAS ORTHODOX CHURCH => http://www.orthodox.net
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