Trials In Tainted Space Tips
Kellye Tunks
I found this site maybe six months ago and found the posts really interesting and helpful but up til this last week have never posted anything. I thought my situation could be managed and resolved but now after 12 months of anguish it is clear it is out of control. Here is the start of my story - who knows how it will end?
Christmas 2009 was dreadful, she had been spending hours a day on the laptop and when I got home in December there were few preparations made for the celebrations and the decorations only went up in the nick of time on Christmas eve, so there were some cross words, in fact I was pleased to return to work overseas afterwards to get away from it. From overseas I could see when she was logged on to the internet, often for 12 hrs plus a day and she would still be on till 3,4 and 5 in the morning. When I came home again the house was a total mess and I watched her get up one morning go straight to the laptop and start gaming, she eventually got dressed late in the afternoon cooked the family meal around the game and the chat and was still playing at 4 the following morning - she was on 16 hours that day. At that time she had a small part time job helping a freind in an office once or twice a week with flexible hours and she was only going to work when she had to in the early evening for two or three hours, having been on evony most of the day and then coming home to do a meal at 9 or later whilst continuing the game. The children were getting very upset about this. We had several aEUrobustaEU(tm) discussions but it continued to rumble on despite her agreeing to moderate the time she was spending on line. She also started to sometimes hide the game and chat behind other windows when I came close by switching browser tabs.
Unfortunately things didnaEU(tm)t change much and this lead to a massive row where all sorts of discontentment and old issues were raised. She expressed strong views that I had been selfish and had neglected her over the years and now the children needed her less she had been looking for an interest and Evony just crept up. I could see how she felt and although I had some counter arguments I could not disagree. I apologised, said I knew that couldnaEU(tm)t put my past wrongs right but undertook to try to change by doing more around the house and being more supportive etc and she undertook to cut down her time on line. Things improved until I returned to work. Next time I came home we were back to square one, it was obvious that as soon as I left she went back to playing hours a day and little had been done other than evony in my absence. At this point I started to aEUsnoopaEU(tm) deeper and found she had emailed a player a fairly normal (clothed) picture of herself and in return he had emailed her several pictures of his penis! This obviously lead to another row, apparently she had responded in a complimentary fashion to the pictures as within the game she couldnaEU(tm)t afford to upset this fellow! She told me he behaved this way with all the women and I was over reacting. She did however moderate this type of behaviour as far as I could see after these discussions and concentrated more on the strategy of the game.
Now I am back overseas I know that she is back to playing evony at every opportunity and again into the early hours although since the row when she said she was quitting I have ignored it and not mentioned it again. How do I know? Because I have a reasonable computer knowledge and have ways of seeing what she is doing. I fear now that when I do return home after Christmas I will find the situation I have experienced so many times before. I was also concerned recently because whilst talking to her on skype (whilst she was playing evony) she had a massive row with our youngest child, from a remote position I saw how volatile she has become.
I never realised before researching this on the net and as a result finding this site how common this problem is but despite reading others experiences I am at a loss now as to how to resolve it. I am now at the end of my patience, it has been an issue for pretty well 12m and despite appearing to make progress we keep ending up right back where we started. I have suggested we seek professional help together - she refused, we cannot have a constructive conversation without her getting angry and accusing me of ruining her life and trying to deprive her of her one interest (which I repeatedly said was never my intention, I just wanted a balance). However the longer this goes on the more apparent it becomes that she is incapable of controlling her involvement, the real time nature of the game means she must take every small opportunity to check what is happening and plan strategy with her cohorts. If I question her she either evades the issue or sometimes lies to me, very convincingly, if I hadnaEU(tm)t seen evidence for myself I would almost believe her. I am finding I am becoming extremely stressed and suspicious because of the deception she now employs, as to what she is doing every time she goes near her pc. This has now gone on so long and despite my trying to convey my feelings as to what I think would be reasonable in terms of time she spends on it and the nature of her previous interactions on line (maybe I am wrong?) she feels I am being unreasonable. Because her status needs regular checking, even if we have been for a night out together she will check it as soon as she gets in before we go to bed, it has become a major issue for me and one I can no longer accept. This is compounded by the fact she cannot be open and honest about what she is doing even to the point of becoming angry if she thought I was stood behind watching her messages whilst making tea, despite the fact she has the laptop in the kitchen and I cant read the screen properly without my glasses!
I have over the period tried to talk to her about it, confronted her over it, written to her about it, texted her about it and threatened to leave three times now but in the long term it has made absolutely no difference to her attitude. I sent her links to posts on this site earlier in the year and she didnaEU(tm)t even acknowledge she had received them (although I know she did). She has admitted she is addicted but still considers her behaviour reasonable and rational!
Because she has said she will get it under control so many times now and has failed I do believe the only solution is now for her to stop it completely, delete the account and sever any communications with other players that may tempt her to return to it. Unfortunately this course of action does not sit comfortably with me as I have my own interests that take me away from the house for some hours at a time on average maybe twice a week. I do not wish to give this up, even though if I add up the hours I spend on them they are a fraction of the hours she spends on evony but I question myself is it a fair to continue with my interests which she has no affinity to and demand she stops the one thing she obviously enjoys? I cant see there will ever be a reason for her to stop playing it as she never spends any time of her own volition to do anything else or form any other interest and the game effectively has no end. She could continue to play it forever and never reach a suitable conclusion. A major problem is communication, she cannot have a rational conversation about it with me without shouting at me and her view is my objection to the game is now an obsession with me and because of my overbearing attitude she is always feeling criticised for enjoying herself. Even ordinary questions or conversation will be misconstrued as aEUdiggingaEU(tm) and result in angry responses and apparently it is MY obsession with her playing a game that is killing our marriage!
I know that what she is doing is not healthy for our relationship or for our youngest child who is still at school, the older ones are all at university and largely independent so are unaffected. Reading otheraEU(tm)s posts on this site both ex gamers and their families I also know my feelings of resentment towards this game are not unusual. However I question myself as to whether I am justified, my wife tells me she is only doing through her time on this game what I have done due to my work and other interests in the past and it is her only enjoyment. I can also see how I have possibly driven her to seek another outlet. But I also have to accept my realisation deep down that I cannot continue in this relationship whilst she continues with evony. It is not like a normal hobby or interest it is an ever present distraction right there in the house 24/7! What is it about a game that can suck someone in and suck the spirit out of them? I just want my wife back! Up til now I have never asked, suggested or demanded that she quit altogether although the day that I will is now very close. I have no idea how I will approach it yet or what her response is likely to be except it is likely to be very angry and loud!
Welcome to OLGA, Paul. This just seems so incredible, doesn't it? I mean, your wife's Evony playing is absolutely a full-time job... just reading about her schedule and the demands it makes on her makes me tired... and she's paying to do it rather than the other way around!
I read in your post a very high degree of self-knowledge and awareness. You clearly understand the situation 100% and there isn't anything people can point out to you that you don't already know. Try not to beat yourself up about the mistakes you've made... in 23 years of marriage we've all made some doozies, and it certainly doesn't sound as if you've been a terrible husband all told. When you've had to leave, by and large it's been to support your family, and you can't be faulted for that!
A couple of suggestions (only suggestions or insights, not advice!). It comes across that you believe that your wife should still be allowed to play "some" Evony, partly because she does like it so much, and partly because you do things for your own enjoyment and you feel she should have something as well. Unfortunately, addicts don't work that way. Your wife is at this point enmeshed up to her ears in her game... her responsibilities are manifold and the time commitment well-nigh total. You don't go backwards from there. The heavy alcoholic doesn't cut back to two beers and then home. The problem is, even if she does succeed in "cutting back" for a while, the demands of the game and her own addictive personality will mandate an eventual return to previous levels of playing.
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