Guardrails

[Wayne Thorn]

How do you make guardrails work when it effect others?

specially when it comes to family member?

They think we are not allowing them to be adults.

[Megan Carlson]

I think its impossible to establish guardrails for others when they are adults, even if they are your children. You can establish guardrails for YOURSELF in relationship with them but ultimately THEY must have the revelation that they NEED guardrails and must come up with their own specific ones.

The only thing you can really do is establish your own guardrails for your life and let your actions be lived out for them to see that guardrails ARE beneficial.

We can only reason so far with another person...teach them the importance, give some examples of healthy guardrails that might be applicable to their situation & then LET GO AND LET GOD. This is a challenge because we love them & don't want them to go down an unnecessary path of suffering but I've discovered that God must give them the revelations as He did with me.

Because really, even if you established guardrails for someone and they agreed with you and even put them into practice, there would eventually be a burn out/blow up because the change has not come from WITHIN, the change has just been behavior modification for them to please you.

I know most of the information I shared is likely not new to you but I CAN tell you that you're not alone in your frustration but I'm encouraged that as we keep bearing PATIENTLY with them in LOVE and STEADFAST ENDURANCE that change WILL come :)

[Todd Malvano]

I concur.

[Wayne Thorn]

That is easy to say, but when they are effecting your health and brings on feelings of being overweld and loss of control in your own house. It becomes even more of a problem.

[Nickel Cilia]

Well in an instance where you've genuinely put up good guardrails for yourself and the other person continues to push you over those guardrails I think it's time to exam the relationship and if that relationship needs to change or grow in a different direction. Like Megan said, it's impossible to set guardrails for adults, we can only set guardrails for those under our leadership. If you're having difficulty with them respecting your guardrails you've set for yourself and your own life two things could be in play: 1) The guardrails are ineffective at helping you avoid the behavior you're trying to guard yourself against or 2) the person you're dealing with is detrimental to those guardrails and the relational boundaries need to be examined. 

[Megan Carlson]

I don't know the details of your situation so its difficult to speak more directly. You're right...this isn't easy. You said 'loss of control in your own house,'...there ARE guidelines you can establish that those under your covering would be responsible to make an agreement with. If you are providing housing you can say 'These are the new guidelines and boundaries as part of living here.' Then THEY are free to choose whether/not to agree with you and make necessary changes.

I do not believe that God DESIRES for your health to be compromised or for your household to become out of control. Perhaps this could be one of those seasons where you are being refined/perfected thru testing and/or God is looking to reveal Himself to you in a new way & thereby manifest his strength in your weakness?

Again, I know this is a challenge and you're not alone.

[Wayne Thorn]

Thanks for your thoughts on the subject.

I know that the guardrails are for me but to put up those guardrails for my sanity will effect others lives as well.

This is a no win situation for everyone involved.

Thanks

Wayne

[Nickel Cilia]

I think it depends on how much each party is willing to bend their wills to make the guardrails work.makes it easier to swallow if the guardrails are beneficial to all involved, but that's not always possible either.

[Paul Cilia]

On Feb 17, 2012 9:31 PM, "Wayne Thorn" <cwtho...@gmail.com> wrote:

[Cecil Thorn]

Well, that's an interesting reply.

[Nickel Cilia]

I agree. I'm blown away!

[Paul Cilia]

My thoughts are simple.  In this case I'd come to the conclusion that I'm somewhat to blame for not setting up rails in the first place.  Second, just because you may have "created the monster" doesn't mean you must allow it to run rampant all over your time, finances and life etc.  For example if you have to watch the kids all day and you don't get your work done, whose looking out for your families welfare?  Again.. all things I know you know.  Ultimately, there comes a point you say ok ______, i know we've allowed xyz for this long.  However our relationship is in jeapordy due to how you act and allow your children to run amok.  You need to come up with a game plan to leave in ____ months.  During that time however you have to abide by _______ and if that isn't going to work than you may have to pull on other resources to make your current situation work for you.  Overall, you have to be in defense of your long term relationship.  Unfortunately... sometimes that may mean sacrificing the short term. 

[Me and I AM]

i think we may be missing the most important part of this... guradrails are for me! i can't build them for others. If i say that i am only going to talk about what i know then that is my guardrail. If anyone tries to get me to talk about what i think i have already determined to talk only about what i know so now all i have to do is manage my decision not make it again over and over. Now nobody can make me talk about what i think or what might be. Talking about only what i know means that i will talk less for sure but it will keep me from being foolish because the word says that there is much foolishness or sin in a multitude of words. To much me is too little God. Now others might hit my guardrail but i stay safe.

[Ann Marie Peterson]

You r exactly right.  Your own personsal guardrails will keep others from running over YOU! 

[Angela Schaefers]

There is always a 'win' solution for us individually as we seek God's
guidance. We must learn to live as God would have us live, first and
foremost. That is where the problem lies (and I have been there before
myself). We cannot control, protect or change others. Therefore our
actions go back to us and how we need to live the best we can
according to how God directs us. I have found that in the past when I
did not have my 'guardrails' in place, it was simply an excuse for me
to not do and be what I believe God wants me to be. It is a matter of
protected our hearts too... when others, including family cannot
respect us or see that they are hindering our well being, we MUST
choose to protect ourselves. Then we are able and free to do as God
desires for us. Simply, my opinion :)