Submarine Adventure Oxford Reading Tree Pdf

[Tom Donahou]

Germany will sign," says an evening contemporary, "because theAllies hold all the trumps." They also hold all the Manchurianbeef, and are prepared, should the occasion arise, to export itmercilessly.

After knocking a man down with an iron bar at Shoreditch, andbeing asked by the victim why he did it, the assailant againknocked him down. Really this is carrying things too far. Afterall, politeness costs nothing.

"Single women," says a scientific journal, "live on an averageten years longer than married women." After reading this statement,an Irishman has issued a warning against the habit of marryingsingle women.

"The only cure for the caterpillar now destroying young oaks inDevon," says a morning paper, "is to remove the pest at once." Theidea of removing the trees does not seem to have occurred to ourcontemporary.

A dentist in a suburb that shall be nameless has a case ofsamples attached to the outside of his front door, with aninscription inviting people to choose a set of teeth beforeentering. Surely it is bad manners for anyone to pick his teeth inpublic.

Some distinguished players have declared in favour of largerholes for golf. Our own feeling, however, is that if there is to beany change in the hole it would be better to correct its absurdhabit of slipping to one side just as the ball is dropping in.

When Norman is alone with me he is natural and even interestingat times, but in company he is shy and self-conscious and a burdento himself and his neighbours. He is a young dentist with a largepractice, and is already a well-known authority on Japanese methodsof extraction. Using only his thumb and forefinger he can removelong-established teeth with so much ease and grace and such aquantity of sangfroid that it is a pleasure to watch him athis work. But to a social gathering he comes limp and infirm ofpurpose; he feels constrained to utter futile remarks with undueemphasis trailing into incoherence; he is dreadful to behold.

I did not see him until the end of the second dance. He was inthe ante-room and presented a good example of protective colouring.He was standing with his back to a dark screen, and his pale faceand light hair were indistinguishable against a background offlowers worked in gold thread. His attitude as he tightly graspedhis programme behind him was that of a wounded dove at bay.

I signalled to him, but, although I was only a few feet away, hecould not see me. He had apparently also lost all power ofmovement. I took him by the arm and led him to the buffet, and,although he never takes alcohol, I felt justified in forcing somebrandy between his lips. This revived him a little, and he said ina well-modulated voice: "The surface of the floor is excellent. Itis rather warm and oppressive (or cold and chilly). I adoredancing; it both exercises the body and refreshes the mind; butunfortunately I have not had many opportunities of indulging in theart."

A little later he recognised me and smiled. I examined hisprogramme and found that he was engaged for the next dance to agirl who could talk to anyone on any subject; I could see my wife'shand in the arrangement. I explained the situation, piloted him tohis partner and stayed with them a while. She made several openingsfor him in the conversation, which he immediately sealed up withmonosyllables, and when she allowed her fan to slip to the floor hestepped on it. She suggested that they should take the air on thebalcony, and as I left them he pulled himself together and began totell her, in a well-modulated voice, that the surface of the floorwas excellent.

Later I saw him with the same partner still on the balcony. Theywere both pale and silent and had apparently never moved. Theyseemed to be exercising an unconscious fascination on one another.My courage failed me and I went elsewhere.

"We are longing for work," said a young man who, after sufferingthe horrors of war for nearly four years in the Ministry ofSuperfluous Hotels and Hutments, has just been evacuated. "We haveprepared a list of billets that we are ready to take up at amoment's notice."

When Adolf Hans Pumpenheim, farmer, was brought up for trial asa civil offender it is not too much to say that a shudder passedthrough the members of the Summary Court, which consisted of MajorBlenkin and myself. This emotion was due not so much to theunprepossessing appearance of the prisoner as to the enormity ofhis offence.

He was charged upon two different counts: firstly, with being inillegal possession of two tins of corned beef and one cake of soap,the property of the British Government; secondly, with havingoffered a bribe of fifty marks to Second-Lieutenant Robinson inorder to escape arrest.

The charge was translated to the prisoner by an interpreter, whoin his turn appeared to feel the gravity of the occasion. Healluded with bated breath to the topic of corned beef; he slid, soto speak, over the soap; only in the mention of the fifty marks didhis voice ring out confidently, as though righteous indignation hadovercome the baser sentiment of pity. Pumpenheim listened insilence. When invited to plead Guilty or Not Guilty he made noreply.

The evidence was brief. A corporal of foot police, afterexamining the articles produced in court, pronounced them to beindubitably two tins of corned beef and a cake of soap, and furtherdeclared that he had found them in the prisoner's house, no troopsbeing at that time billeted upon him. Second-Lieutenant Robinsondeposed that upon his arrival the prisoner had thrust a fifty-marknote into his hand, accompanying the action with gestures andgrimaces suggestive of bribery.

Here we all looked at Pumpenheim. His features afforded no signof intelligence or even of interest. For his particular benefit theevidence was translated. He was further invited to question thewitnesses or to call testimony on his own behalf. To these offershe responded with a shrug indicating that he waived all rights.

The court was therefore cleared, and Major Blenkin and Iproceeded to consider our verdict, with no other company than thedozen empty stools which had faced us during the trial, and whichrepresented the inalienable right of the civil population to attendthe court if they pleased. Custom forbids me to divulge the findingor the sentence. It will suffice to say that justice was temperedwith mercy. We were about to readmit the prisoner, his escort andthe imaginary public when my partner in the suppression of crimewas struck by an idea.

"The moral aspect," Blenkin went on, "is most important. Iintend to impress this fellow. I shall tell him that if he had beena French peasant and had offered a bribe to a German officer hewould have been put against a wall and shot. Do you agree?"

Blenkin bridled indignantly. It was on the tip of his tongue tocharge me with being a pro-German. He controlled himself and rang abell. "I shall hold to my own opinion," he remarked with someasperity.

The prisoner, his escort and the interpreter were marched in.Adolf Hans Pumpenheim created the customary diversion by turning tothe right on the command, "Left turn," and the sergeant-major madethe customary comments, undeterred by the prisoner's ignorance ofEnglish. The imaginary public filed in and occupied the vacantstools.

When this bustle had subsided, the finding and the sentence wereread by Blenkin and duly translated by the interpreter. Pumpenheimwas quite impassive, and maintained his composure throughout thesmall financial transaction which followed. He counted out hisnotes with an air of fatalism. Having obtained a receipt for thefine he made us a little bow and turned to leave the court.

Slowly a look of comprehension crossed the face of Adolf HansPumpenheim. It was like sunrise upon his grey and stubblycountenance, where three days' growth of beard had thriven in thesoil of the guard-room. He was not altogether happy, for he hadbeen found guilty and had paid a fine. But in the course of thisceremony, which appeared to him mystical and obscure, he hadencountered one familiar idea, one thought within his power ofunderstanding. Rectitude was a stranger to him, but corruption anold friend: He was not abashed; rather, on the contrary, he wascheered and encouraged. I could see that his heart warmed to me inparticular, and I believe that but for his respect for the Court hewould have paid me the compliment of a wink.

A few weeks ago there appeared in Punch, under the title"A Germless Eden," some verses sent in by an unknown contributor.The Editor is now informed that the original version of these lineswas the work of Mr. ARTHUR GUITERMAN, of New York, who publishedthem in 1915 with Messrs. HARPER AND BROTHERS in The LaughingMuse, a collection of his humorous verse. The Editor begs bothauthor and publishers to accept his sincere regrets.

"Oh, you know quite well what about Mlisande," saidAngela; "about her and Peggy playing so much together. Is it quitewise, do you think? I've been bothering about it for some days now;cats are such queer things and a cat with rabies would be sodreadfully dangerous."

"There I quite agree with you," I answered meditatively. "ThoughI have rather excepted Mlisande from the general rule Ihave always considered a cat an exceedingly dangerous animal, and acat with rabies is, of course, ten times worse; it simply oughtn'tto be allowed."

We were gathered round the fire, my wife, my daughter and I;Angela seated on what is known, I believe, in upholstering circlesas a humpty, while Peggy lay on her tummy on the floor, pencil inhand and a sheet of paper before her; she was chewing the pencilwith the ruminating air of one who awaits inspiration. I myselfoccupied the armchair.

"You know," said Angela presently, "I think Mlisande hasseemed worried about something the last few days. I do hope thepoor dear isn't bothering about rabies. One so often hears ofpeople actually producing a disease merely by thinking a lot aboutit. By the way, I'm told that one of the earliest manifestations ofrabies is a desire to bite inanimate objects; if we see her doingthat we shall know that the time has come to act."

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