Pain Without Love

[Diante Scharsch]

Iremained guarded until he gave me every reason to trust him. I opened up to him more than I had ever done with anyone in my life. I knew I was taking a risk by falling, but I felt like he was worth it.

The beauty is in the breakdown. There is light to be found in the dark moments. If everything was perfect, there would be no opportunity for growth. There would be no depth to our relationships without a bit of struggle. Love blooms in the cracks of our heart when we are hurt but we choose to forgive.

Relationships come and go so quickly today. We hold people to standards of perfection that are hard to meet. We expect them to always do the right thing and to always contribute to our happiness. If we experience any amount of pain, we assume they are not right for us and move on. This is only true if you choose to believe it. Every relationship grows stronger as people work through differences over time.

Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially.

If there is one thing in Christianity that most people would agree is very difficult to believe in, I think it would be the value of suffering. The world can agree with us about sentiments of peace and love. It can even recognize the value of forgiveness. But who could readily accept the value of pain?

And here is where most people would find Christianity very troublesome. Because Christianity, being a religion of love, is not about escaping. It is not about the absence of pain. Love is finding a way through the pain.

When we try to achieve a world without pain on our own, we end up escaping from the very things that could make us become better people. We can also go as far as eliminating life itself just to escape from pain.

Christianity gives both hope and meaning to life even in the presence of pain. It helps create a world where true love is possible and where we could look forward to something more valuable than the fleeting pleasures we find on earth.

As I sat with the other panelists in the opening session of my fourth TAPS National Military Suicide Survivor Seminar, and looked out at the sea of faces of those who had lost a loved one to suicide, I related strongly to the cumulative pain in the room. I often about the author speak about addictive behaviors as a way to numb pain, so I understand the idea that we wish we could escape from the pain of our grief.

Then, as I continued to look out at everyone in the crowd, I said that I also saw, and was deeply moved by, the abundance of love that was present in the room. That love made me aware of the presence of our dear ones who died. I believe the love and pain we feel are directly and profoundly connected. When people die, our immense love for them is often the source of our pain.

Understanding this causal connection affirms that pain following the loss of a loved one is a natural phenomenon. As odd as this may seem, it is true that just as a fever is a healthy response to an infection in the body, the pain of grief is a healthy response to the death of a beloved person.

This realization can empower you to give yourself permission to express the pain of the loss: to cry when you are sad, to pound the table when you are angry, to speak of your despair when you are distraught, to declare that you cannot live without your loved one when you yearn for him or her, to withdraw when you cannot be with people, to ask to be comforted when you are overwhelmed.

There is nothing wrong with relating to your pain in your own way. Everyone is different in how they express their emotions, unburden themselves and say what's on their mind. These behaviors may be difficult for you, and they may not be understood or supported by some people you encounter, but they are legitimate ways to mourn the dead. It is absolutely okay for you to respond to the pain you feel in any way that does not harm you or others.

The connection between your love for the person who died and the pain you feel in your grief can also be a window to finding meaning in your loss. In fact, because finding meaning in the wake of a loved one's death is not purely an intellectual task, the pain of grief can provide the "fuel" for profoundly heart-felt discoveries.

If your pain comes from the inability to physically embrace your loved one, then being close to loved ones may become precious to you in a newly profound way. If your pain is sparked by feeling your family will never again be the same, then you may search deeply for what matters to you about your family role. If your pain is prompted by losing the future you would have had with your loved one, you may gain a fresh perspective on finding composure and calm in an ever-changing world. When pain is tied to an overwhelming sense of feeling bereaved without your loved one, then you may see who you truly are in a different way than ever before.

These examples of finding meaning might oversimplify a difficult and complicated matter, but the point is that losing a loved one breaks your heart, and grief breaks your heart open. The pain of grief, as dark and terrible as it can be, can also open you up to seeing life in a new light.

This requires that you be supported in finding safe ways to express natural yet intense emotions instead of stuffing them inside of you. You also need safe places to privately "let it all out" without interruption. Lastly, you need people with whom you feel safe saying what you truly feel and need to say without being misunderstood or judged.

Everyone is different in how they express their emotions, unburden themselves, and say what is on their minds. There is nothing wrong with relating to your pain in your own way; some people are more outwardly expressive while others experience grief privately. Just because you aren't a talkative person doesn't mean you're stuffing your feelings. Grief expression may happen through stubbornly completing a strenuous task. Saying what is on your mind may show through your actions instead of words.

The pain of grief can be terrible, and there is no sure way to stop pain from unfolding in real time. Finding safe ways to process your pain helps you see beyond it even as you are in its grip. Reflecting on the connection between your pain and your love for the person who died helps you uncover meaning in your life that comes directly from the relationship you had - and still have - with your loved one.

By Franklin Cook, MA CPC: Franklin Cook, Boston, Mass., is a consultant, speaker and trainer in suicide prevention and postvention (responding in suicide's aftermath). He has worked in peer-led suicide grief support since 1999, and delivers care via telephone through his Personal Grief Coaching service. His father dies by suicide in 1978.

Before I landed at Crossfit Eudokia, I started swimming and indoor cycling, but something wasn't quite 'clicking'. It lacked coaching and a plan I could work with, but I was also missing intensity and consistency.

Now a year later, I have lost 12kg thanks to consistently going to the WODs and a few sessions of lifestyle coaching at CrossFit Eudokia.

Who knew I would absolutely love weightlifting! Especially when I think of the fact that I was incapable of carrying groceries without being in pain.

It's not some miracle program. You have to show up and work for it (in my case sometimes even crying, haha).

Unfortunately, there are gyms that fit the stereotype of bad coaching and machoculture. I was lucky to find a place that doesn't!

First, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you find yourself in such a nasty, uncomfortable and hurtful situation. I feel for you and where you are finding yourself. And I also applaud you for having the strength to seek answers, and choose personal growth as a way out of your pain. It takes a certain type of person to do so, and it also takes courage and some healthy self-esteem. So please pat yourself on the back for your fortitude, and ability to take positive action. You go, girl!

This group is for mono people in relationships with poly partners, poly people in relationships with mono partners, individuals who identify as somewhere in between mono and poly, and allies, support professionals and other interested parties.

We are here to explore how mono folks and poly folks can have healthy relationships together, and how we can each understand our relational orientation or ways of relating more fully. This is a support group, and will be moderated as such. This is NOT a place to debate whether mono/poly can work. If you insist on your right to criticize our relationship style as unworkable, you will be banned mercilessly.

I am addressing the polyamorous community now: kindly chime in here if you have any words of wisdom or encouragement for our friend here. She needs your help. Please take a few moments to offer your support, especially if you have experience in this arena.

My husband and I of 25 years are closer to the swinger end of the spectrum than the polyamory end. We were (almost) monogamous for many years. By (almost) I mean there was some cheating long ago, that very nearly destroyed our marriage. Fortunately, we were able to work through that. It did lead us to discover that having more, for us, could be a good thing. That is what led us to explore the idea of swinging.

It took us both many, many long, open, honest conversations to discover what works for us, and I know he will agree, we have never been happier or more committed to one another. And we continue to have open, honest communication about our needs. Your situation is different, but I think the same approach is needed. Open up to him, and ask him to open up to you about what each of you need.

This is just an example of what worked for us, and there are still many times when I feel worry, doubt, jealousy, etc, but because we have a system in place now, we are able to work through issues more easily. I am able to trust he is being open and honest with me and in turn I can be accepting of his choices. You have to figure out between you and your husband what works best for you, but it can be done if you both want to put in time and effort and a lot of it.

3a8082e126