Because I have nothing better to do...

[Brendon Desrochers]

...and because I think Nick Bakay is funny, here are the first annual NB's for the Northwestern Ultimate team:

 

Best Groans:  Jeff Henderson (wins over Tao, who gets no points for his groans)

Most Ambigiously Gay Duo:  Clay "Ace" Schelitzche and Justin "Gary" Reif

The award for "He's too short to go deep" (followed by curses by his toasted defender after he catches a huck for a score): Alex Louie

Best Layout into a Puddle of Crawfish and Bamboo:  Dave Cesa

Most Romantic Reader of Poetry (with a girl):  Yixing Tao

Special Dual Award...Best Flourish After a Catch and Biggest Fan of Himself:  Rich Neal

Most Likely to Be Confused with a Glacier:  Mike Scott

Most Likely to Be Confused with a 12-year-old Girl:  Jason Liu

Most Accepting of Others:  M. R. Stukel

Shortest Coach:  Mike Denardis

Best On-field Chemistry:  Gabe Yospin and Rich Neal

Strongest Ankles:  Me

Best Caravan Leader:  Andy Wade

Another Special Dual Award...Most Fouls on the Mark and Best Mark:  Prashant Ravi-Shankar

Biggest Play by Someone No Longer on the Team:  Keven Brown (with the one-hand, lying-down grab to beat Michigan (Pioneer High All-Stars) in October)

Best Temperament While Drunk:  Cy Hendrickson

Best Jaw:  Avi Feinberg

He Likes Spaghetti (no sauce, no cheese please):  Stukel

Worst Announcer in the History of Western Civilization:  Bill Walton

Best Throw to a Player Not in the Game:  Cy Hendrickson to Gabe Yospin

Best Baseball Slide:  Dave Cesa

Disproportionately Large Head: (tie) Mitch Brown and Alex Louie

Best Scrabble team:  Wade and Prash

"Yeah, drunk knucks!":  Mike Kinsella

Most Old-School Pitching Motion:  Jeff Henderson

So Late for Practice that He Missed the Entire Season:  Olisaemedua Chiedu Ojeh (Next year, Ojeh!!)

Worst Pull in a Practice:  Alex Louie (net gain of less than 10 feet)

Best Ex-Teammate in Same Region:  Crack Spackal

Worst Basketball Coach:  Roy Williams

Best Crazy Person:  Fred (edging Mike)

Tournament with the Nicest Fields:  (tie) Arctic Vogue, Mardi Gras (day one)

Longest Point:  vs. Carnegie-Mellon at Arctic Vogue

Best Traffic Jam:  Chattanooga

Best Video Game Tournament:  Bomber Man

Longest Wait for Breakfast:  Pancake Pantry

Coolest Island in Wisconsin:  Washington Island

Best Cheer:  Chili/Chilly

Worst Cheer:  Guac-amole, Guac- Guac-amole

 

Finally, people have been wondering all year who our best player is:  Chuck or Z, Z or Chuck.  Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape...

 

Height: Advantage Chuck

Height of Lady Friend:  Advantage Z

Callahan Awards:  Advantage Z

Backhand Huck:  Advantage Chuck

Forehand Huck:  Advantage Justin Reif

Pimp Impersonator (in our metallic silver jerseys): Advantage Chuck

Reason To Miss Mardi Gras:  Advantage Push (Midterms or Goaltimate (?!))

Disc Spikes:  Advantage Z

Cheers:  Advantage Chuck

Likely To Be Confused with Our Entire Team:  Advantage Z (because we ran into trees on our cuts before he got here)

Self-appointed Nicknames:  Advantage Chuck (Chucktown, Catchman, Captain Extendo, etc.)

Catch Phrase:  Advantage Push ("Ding dong in the butthole" and "Yeah, contest!")

 

So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically.  On a deep D and a backhand huck, the winner by a smidge is Chuck Kindred, but Z has a lifetime of co-ed pick-up to help him lick his wounds from this devastating blow.  Until next time, I'm Cranston reminding you the numbers never lie

[Anthony Tao]

Sorry Cranston, your list's not bad, but we all know

 

Best Scrabble team = Me and whoever's on my team

 

High Tide should have offered sufficient proof of that.

 

Scrabblemaster Tao

 

www.isc.ro/download.html 

 

Bring it, biznitch.