Faux needs? Body-Clarity test

[Conal Elliott]

Above all, I want nvc-evolves to serve as a live lab to find out what really works and what really doesn't work in for connection, compassion, and clarity.  So, here goes ...

I had a familiar "ick" (and heart-closing) response to Susan's "needs" expression below.  I'm guessing that my reaction is typical, and I'd like to check out my guess, for my own learning and to help us all distinguish faux needs from deep, expansive (heart-opening) expressions of need.  (Please see see http://evolve.awakeningcompassion.com/posts/distracted-by-faux-needs/ .)

For Susan, would you please try the Body-Clarity test on the faux needs blog post and let me know what you get.  And see what other needs surface?

For Gedding and others, what kind of initial reaction (before inner damage-control self-empathy and empathy for Susan) did you have to Susan's "needs" expression.  (For instance, inspiration, joy, expansiveness, or more like defensiveness, irritation, restriction.)

  - Conal

On Thu, Oct 2, 2008 at 8:16 AM, Susan L <su...@propeace.net> wrote:

[...]

It would provide focus and meaning for this discussion as well as meet
my needs for transparency and authenticity if you would provide the
context for which you are seeking this as-yet-unknown word.

 

[Lea]

On Oct 2, 8:58 am, "Conal Elliott" <co...@conal.net> wrote:
> For Gedding and others, what kind of *initial *reaction (before inner

> damage-control self-empathy and empathy for Susan) did you have to Susan's
> "needs" expression.  (For instance, inspiration, joy, expansiveness, or more
> like defensiveness, irritation, restriction.)
>
>   - Conal
>
> On Thu, Oct 2, 2008 at 8:16 AM, Susan L <su...@propeace.net> wrote:
>
> > [...]
>
> > It would provide focus and meaning for this discussion as well as meet
> > my needs for transparency and authenticity if you would provide the
> > context for which you are seeking this as-yet-unknown word.

I recoiled slightly, mostly at reading the phrase "this as-yet-unknown
word", more than at the phrase "it would meet my needs for ..."

[Angela Harms]

Hey, Conal,

I'm reproducing Susan's post here as a reference.

Gedding, it sounds like "conceptualize" might meet your needs.  I have
a concept "chair" that allows me to recognize new instances of chairs
without reviewing their characteristics.  In fact, if we look at the
diverse styles of chairs, it would be difficult to list
characteristics that all chairs share.  However, the concept "chair"
is not a part of my identity.

It would provide focus and meaning for this discussion as well as meet
my needs for transparency and authenticity if you would provide the
context for which you are seeking this as-yet-unknown word.

My initial response (first paragraph) was to take (ersatz) refuge in the jackal, then to translate that to noticing that this thread isn't bringing me much satisfaction. I found I was curious about whether other people were bored around this thread, and whether you'd be talking about whether it's on-topic.

I mention that to preface that my first reaction to the second paragraph was relief! And some jackaly glee (which I'm not happy about, mind you) about the use of "this as-yet-unknown word." I was like, "Yeah!" After that, some disappointment because I love warm connection, and I realized I was joining in a bit of a jackal dance.

Still, grateful about Susan's sharing my difficulties around this thread, and speaking about them. So, mixed feelings and needs.

And now, I'll add, grateful about your (Conal's) pointing out the faux-needs thing, because I hadn't really put attention to this post, separate from the thread as a whole, and I find I'm enriched by it.

Angela

[Gedding]

Yay! I got referenced by name! I am so happy about that! (needs;
inclusion, acceptance ?)

I will read you faux needs post straight away! This is important part
of NVC i think, and i am constantly getting from NVC people, authors
and trainers, "my need for respect".
Ick!
Respect is a word taught to us SOO much in society, not only as a way
of saying "do what i say!",
"you respect this house by doing the dishes!" "you will respect my
rules!"

But also it is used by people to defend what they want or need.
"Its ok to want what i want because its about respect."

Again, Universalisation of Preferences.

Bah! Im sure we have already talked about why "respect" is Jackal (i
know Marshal has in his books and DVDs) and would meet needs for
clarity to wipe if off the face of the needs list!

But which post of Susan's are you referring to that you want my
initial reaction to?

[Conal Elliott]

Hey there Gedding,

The post I referred to is from Susan as a reply to you, in the thread called "help finding a word!!".  Reading her note, what's your reaction to

... meet my needs for transparency and authenticity if you would ...

(BTW, I don't mean to single Susan out.  She just provided a recent example of something I hear often in nvc circles, and so I suspect results from widespread NVC teaching.)

Please do give the "Confused by faux needs?" post (and comments) a careful read, try it out, and let us know what you come up with.  In fact, I'd love for you to try it out with your pain and longing around getting referenced by name.  Test out your guesses of "inclusion" and "acceptance", which I'd guess are both faux needs.

I like your phrase "Universalisation of Preferences".

Take care, Gedding,

   - Conal