Not so sure I like "requests," either.

[Angela Harms]

So I know I don't like making demands. I don't like people thinking I'm making a demand, and I don't like actually doing it. But something's been bugging me about making "requests," too, and I think I'm beginning to put my finger on it.

A request means I want you to do something. If I ask, "Would you be willing to... ?" I might tell myself there's an implication of "Could you do _____ with real, heartfelt joy?"  I'm afraid I might be asking, "Can you think of any objections that would get you out of doing _______, which is my agenda for you?" ACK! Isn't that horrifying?!

Today, I had occasion to issue an invitation, and I wondered it that was different from a request. I've decided it is. I've decided I want to try only making invitations for a while. *Offers* of ideas or involvement, if it's of interest, but no requests.

"So, now that you've heard about my itching, I wonder if you'd like to scratch my back?" (vs. "...would you be willing to scratch my back?")
"Would you like to work on a solution together?" (vs. "Would you be willing to work on a solution with me?")
 
I'm really excited about this, because I love figuring out things that were snagging for me. And I'm quite curious about whether that excitement came through, and whether it's exciting to anyone else, or even makes sense. Would anyone enjoy telling me how this is for you? <--invitation, but not request! :)

Angela
---
Life. Love. Food. www.lifelovefood.com

[Lea]

Hello Angela,

Yes, what you are saying makes sense to me, and I feel excited about
it to, it seems it's pointing to something important.

What I hear you saying is that requests mean I want someone else to
act in a certain way. And even phrasing them in the nice NVC way and
preceded by "would you be willing" sounds like an agenda, and a belief
that I already have a plan for how their actions will "meet my needs",
so their role is now set, they can either agree or decline. That's
kind of disempowering to the other person. I totally resonate with
your suggestion of working on a solution (strategy=request) together!
Making sure to know what the other person's needs are first, and then
offering involvement. That is connecting.

One thing that stands out for me is that "requests" are closed-ended
questions (yes/no), while "offers" and "invitations" to ideas of
involvement (where you seem to be going) sound to me like open-ended
questions and give the person you are communicating with, more freedom
to express themselves. Eventually a strategy would presumably be
worked out (let's do this yes/no), but with more participation by both
parties. I'd like to see more practical examples of what I'm talking
about, and I can't think of them offhand, but I will observe.

Also, I have heard NVC people insisting on finding what is "the
Request" in every NVC communication. That doesn't ring true for me.
There isn't always a request present or necessary. I don't like to
start with a model and try to apply it to life. I like to start with
life. What I'm after most of the time, is (self-)connection. And often
that happens without a request.

Where does a request come from? To me, that's the point, because I'm
sure that even an "invitation" can be made to sound like a demand.
It's not so much in the language as it is in the attitude you hold
while expressing it.

Lea

[Conal Elliott]

Hi Angela,

I really relate to what you've written here.  The word "invitation" reminds me that a "no, thanks" is no problem.  There are many other invitations to make.  It also reminds me that the inviter is giving a gift to the invitee.

  - Conal

[Holly Croydon]

Hi Angela, your thoughts on requests resonate with me.  :)  I spent more time than I care to remember habitually using the "would you be willing" phrase without really thinking through what it actually meant.  I did have some good results, perhaps because it is some kind of step up from your basic garden-variety demand.  :P

However, I feel a lot happier and freer when I'm deeply in touch with the sense that I *absolutely do not want* the other person to say yes unless they can do so with complete joy, meeting their own needs as well as mine.  "Would you be willing" does not fit in that case for me, for just the reasons you've laid out. 

If "would you be willing" is where I'm at, then I think I'd want to check my motivation -- I am probably harboring desires to coerce someone (albeit nicely, as Lea mentions) into doing what I want.  Eeeww!  Time to work on my attachments.

~Holly

On Sun, Oct 5, 2008 at 2:12 PM, Angela Harms <angela...@gmail.com> wrote: