patronizing

[Lea]

Hello people. I would like some help. In getting compassion for
"patronizing". People have often told me that I am "patronizing" them.
And there must be something to it, because I feel an unpleasant twinge
when I hear that. I have often been overly cautious and tried my best
to avoid sounding what I expected would be perceived as "patronizing",
but, as I was coming from wanting to avoid a particular reaction in
the other person, it didn't go over so well. Please help me see what
"patronizing" might mean from a less evaluative point of view. Thanks.

[Natalie Fialho]

Hi Lea,

I guess by patronizing people might want to tell you they feel they
are getting educated in some way and they might want to establish a
connection first...does that make any sense?

Could you maybe give an example dialogue?

Warmly,
Nat

[Lea]

Well, it's more complex than a single "A said then B said" dialog. It
happens in the context when I try to connect to and understand what
another person is feeling, but I guess without connecting with myself
first. When I try to reflect back to them what I understand them to be
feeling or wanting, somehow it comes off as a patronizing and detached
attitude, like I think I know better than they do. I've found that I
can actually give very accurate summaries of how people are feeling
and what they are needing, and they will confirm that it's all true,
and yet it does not feel like connecting. Maybe I just need to start
with "I don't feel what you do, and can't relate to what you are
saying right now", and accept that in myself, and accept that they
might be angry or disappointed to hear that.

I understand that the other person who thinks they are being
patronized, must be feeling disconnected and wanting to be seen and
understood and respected. I was really looking for empathy for myself,
what it is that I'm wanting when I come off "patronizing". I think at
some level I must be wanting to make them feel better, in order to
feel calm myself. I'm believing that it's not okay for them to not
have their needs met. So that's the edge of my exploration right now.

[John Mudie]

I found I was playing a show-off game called "See how well I can give
empathy" to meet my needs for self-esteem.
I was pretty good at it but it didn’t lead to much connection :(

John

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[david]

Hi,

I heard somebody in a conference call for NVC say that their kids told
them they were "compassion robots" when they were applying NVC. I
think this is in the same vein as patronization. I was talking with
someone the other day, and I just sort of did the process without all
the steps and specific language and it worked out just fine with good
resolution. So I think you could try stepping back from all the
canned verbiage and process of NVC but still do NVC and see how that
goes. I can't think of much that is specific to tell you. What I did
recently was just sort of express interest in the other person I was
talking to, and engaged in a little small talk. After that there was a
heart connection. From that point we delved into what the conflict
was between us. She had "flamed" me in an email over an issue--
something she wanted done that hadn't happened. I said something like
"so what you are wanting is so and so...." At which point she sort of
backpedaled for some reason with her demands (for a six month schedule
I hadn't completed). Anyway, something for you to think about.....